03x17 - Exile in Guyville

[bunniefuu]

[door creaks open]

[whistles]

[quacks]

[engines droning]

Well, Jimmy, I bet

I know which bedtime story
you'd like to hear tonight.

Duckman! Duckman! Duckman!

What the hell
are you staring at?

He's funny.

And educational.

Hard to believe,
but there was once

a time when Duckman
was virtually ignored

by the general public,
which had not yet discovered

the brilliance
of his complex,

moral-laden misadventures.

Sadly, most of those people
became sterile

from years
of watching Larry King,

but that's another story.

Ah, here's an old favorite.

"Once upon a time, there was
a clinically insane duck

"and his monotonic pig partner.

Apparently, it was just
another day at the office."

Duckman, have I ever hurt you?
Shamed you?

Caused you great pain,
suffering and/or humiliation?

No more than anyone else,
Cornilicious. Why?

No reason.
Quit trembling,
Corny!

A few more hems and haws
and my latest kramdenesque
moneymaking scheme

will be unleashed upon the
flesh-craving public:

"Fashions by Duckman."

'Cause no one knows what a man
likes better than another man.

Well, you know
what I mean.

And now, the crème
de la résistance.

"D" cells inserted
into the "D" cups

to keep things
de-sirable,

not to mention
stimulating.

Duckman, this isn't
a good...

grin... idea.
[buzzing]

People, even women...
chuckle.
[buzzing]

May find this somewhat...
[buzzing]

titillation... offensive.

Relief.

I'm sorry, Duckman, but as
the only person in town

not currently in
litigation against you,

I must warn you that this
outfit is lewd, sexist,

and worst of all,
it makes me look fat.

Pu-lease. When the babe-inos
see my creations on TV tonight,

they'll snatch 'em up faster
than my dedicated team

of highly paid professionals
can slap 'em together.

Hey-hey!
No break-ee, Charlie.

Just one question:
How do you plan

to get these garments
on TV tonight?

Like all the great
designers do.

Go to some local disaster
and hawk them on camera

when those heartless, immoral
media maggots show up.

But how can you guarantee
there'll be a local disaster?

[sustained evil laughter]

[siren wailing]

Burn, baby, burn.

Yeah, yeah, lucky
it's just a boring,

old, abandoned
warehouse.

Guess again, beak boy.

That's the old
abandoned warehouse.

This is the fine
arts museum that--

due to NEA budget cuts--

merely looks like an old,
abandoned warehouse.

Oh, no! No!
Was anybody hurt?

Was anybody k*lled?

More important, were
there any witnesses?

Relax, the volunteer
fire department's got

everything under control--

although the stress may
be getting to the chief.

I didn't have
time to change.

I can't believe it.

In my reckless lust
for an audience,

I've risked humiliating
my family,

caused millions of dollars
in damage,

placed countless lives
in danger,

but like them Buttafuocos say,

"Ain't no such thing
as bad publicity."

[clearing throat]

[grunts]

Ladies, I'm standing here,

in front of some
smokey holocaust or whatever,

to introduce
"Fashions by Duckman."

Whether you're putting out fires
or starting one of your own,

there's nothing hotter than
our sexy springtime ensemble.

Here we see Cornfed wearing
the revolutionary brassiere,

which forms cleavage not only
in front but also in back.

MOTHER:
"Duckman's vaguely satanic
fashion show

"captured a larger audience
than the Mars landing

"and the Major DadReunion
combined.

"This, of course,
led to the sh*t heard

round the world."

Duckman, you
animated sweat stain!

I was happily enjoying
Australian rules
step aerobics

when it was preempted
by your felony of the week.

You have any idea

how belittled your fashion
freak show makes women feel?!

Boo friggin' hoo!

Like I'm supposed
to take women

and how they
feel seriously?

You want to be accepted
for your minds,

but you throw
a hissy fit royale

if someone isn't saying
you look great 30 hours a day.

You say you want a nice guy,

but you only give it up
to the creeps.

You get to stay home,
not go to w*r, live longer

and have sex whenever you want.

So remind me again.

Exactly what is there
to complain about?!

Men! You say
we're irrational,

buy at least we think with
the head on our shoulders.

Left to yourselves,

you'd have blown up years ago
from a horrific blend

of gunpowder, diesel fuel
and Aqua Velva.

Your idea of commitment

is not yelling someone else's
name during sex!

MOTHER:
"And then something strange
happened.

You know, honey,
she's got a point.

And another thing--

you never share your
innermost feelings.

It's always sex,
sports and pizza.

But those are my
innermost feelings.

If you don't start thinking
about your feelings,

I'll scream!

If you don't stop thinking
about your feelings,

I'll scream!

I hate you!
I hate you!

I have always hated you!

No one could hate me
worse than I hate you.

Your mother was right!
I should have...

[voices trail off]

MOTHER:
"Something about Duckman
and Bernice

"struck a chord within
the country's consciousness.

"Maybe it was
the tenor of society,

"some primal awakening
of the human psyche.

"Maybe it was just the cheap
and barely believable device

"of a desperate writer,

"but whatever detente existed
in the battle of the sexes

"went the way
of the dodo bird

the Edsel and
professional baseball."

Professional what ball?

An even sadder story,
Jimmy. Anyway...

"The Duckman-Bernice
controversy swept the country.

"Breakups and divorces
skyrocketed,

"and things got so out of hand,

they had to be settled
in the U.S. Senate."

Without us,
you wouldn't have anyone

to fix your flats,
find your G-spots

or tell you
you're not fat...

which, uh,
by the way, you are!

[all gasp]

All right! Yeah!

Without us, you
wouldn't have anyone

to clean your wounds,
to pick out your socks
or tell you your...

Uh... feet...

...are huge.

Which, by the way,
they're not!

[all gasp]

Yeah! That's right!

Well, if living with us
genitally challenged bogeymen

is such a sucky thing,

maybe you should just
go live by yourselves!

Maybe we will!

Fine!

Fine!

Fine!

Fine!

[all yelling]

[glass shattering]

[yelling and screaming
continues]

"And so it came
that men and women

"could no longer live together,
and the nation

"was divided in half.

"The East, known for culture,
went to the women;

"the West, known for cattle,
went to the men.

"People were needed
to guard the border--

"those who were
sexually confused.

[both screaming]

"Throughout the country,
there was shock

"as people realized
there was no turning back.

"And, as always,

it's the children who suffer."

[sobbing]

"Painful as it was,

"mothers said good-bye
to their sons,

fathers farewell
to their daughters."

Hear ye, hear ye!

Two minutes until the
closing of the gate.

I want you
boys to know

that I'll always
love you.

It's not your fault
you were born...

that way.

But, Aunt Bernice,

if you go to
the other side,

you'll be
leaving us with...

Turn off them
waterworks, chill'uns.

I'll give you
the love and guidance

you've never
gotten before.

But first,
here's five bucks.

Go buy me some
beer and b*ll*ts.

And bandages!

Are you sure
you're a woman?

No penis for me, thanks.

Yes, this
isn't Ajax.

It's, uh, my
niece, Ajaxina.

Duckman, please.

The twins can fend
for themselves,

but I've got to
take Ajax with me.

Who's going to feed
him, clothe him,

remind him to blink
and swallow?

Me. I'm going
to look after him

as if he were
my own son.

Thanks, Dad.

[in unison]:
The gate is now closing.

I guess
there's nothing
left to say...

Except...

Good-bye.

Hasta la vista, babies.

Don't let the gate hit
your butts on the way out.

[cheering]

Never forget.

We're men, and men
are stronger, smarter

and self-sufficienter
than women.

We're not just h*m* sapiens,

we're h*m*...

uh, superior.

Yes, we're going
to make it after all,

and we don't need women!

[cheering]

Honey,
have you seen my shoes?

[screaming]

Banishment of women,
arson, electroshock bras?

Mom, how come Duckman seems
more kindhearted than usual?

This is one of the early
Duckman stories, Jimmy.

He didn't blossom
into a full-blown psychotic

until much later.

Back in the old days,

Duckman didn't even
say [bleep].

No [bleep] way.

[bleep] yes.

But let's keep
reading, sweetie.

"The iron door swung shut,

"and the separation of the
sexes was now complete.

"The men were tentative--

suddenly fearful
of their newfound freedom."

I'm horny.

I'm hungry.

Anyone know how to cook?

I made pancakes once.

The stove exploded.

No, wait-- that was an episode
of Home Improvement.

[others laugh]

"But one person
was completely happy."

This is the life.

No more nagging
from Bernice.

No more having to bathe.

No more awkward moments
getting caught urinating

on the neighbor lady's
car tires.

What? It's a natural
human urge.

Come on, loosen up.

Shed that dried-up,
button-down exterior.

Get rid of that damn tie.

[grunting]

Won't come... unclipped.

It's as if it's tied
around your neck.

You know, Duckman, I agree
with something you said.

[gasping]

This could be truly liberating.

Maybe this is the springtime
of our souls.

The birth of a new ethos.

An opportunity to let
our inner selves shine forth.

I feel naked.

Exactly.

Hey, everyone, look at me--
I'm naked.

Come on, everyone get naked.

Whee!

ALL:
Whee!

[laughing]

"At first, the women
were also unsure.

Why hasn't he called?

I knew he didn't
really love me.

Who can I play
mind games on now?

How am I supposed to spend
my evenings

without tragically abusive
one-night stands?

[angry shouting]

Wait! Stop!

We didn't win our freedom
from men overnight.

It was a long, hard battle,
you hear me?

Long and hard!

Okay, bad choice of words.

The butch chick is right.

We've earned our freedom.

[cheering]

"By the end of that first week,
the women were ecstatic.

"The men exhilarated.
[air hissing]

"The women soon had
their own restaurants.

"The men theirs.

[men shouting and hooting,
glass breaking]

"Certain movies were popular
on the women's side.

"And others on the men's.

"Of course, one thing still
thrivedon both sides.

"Yes, everyone was happy
and fulfilled.

"Bernice settled comfortably

into a house
with eight girlfriends."

Chocolate blackout cake
for breakfast?

Isn't that fattening?

ALL:
Who cares?

[laughing]

"While the men's leaders
settled into a handsome home

designed and built
by Duckman himself."

[tires squealing]

Wow! Check out
that hog!

Top of the morning,
Corn-Guy.

You know, I was just
thinking-- to the extent

my around-the-clock drunkenness
allows me to think--

we should have done this whole
separation of the sexes thing

years ago-- specifically
three years ago,

before all those
sperm-in-the-reservoir

paternity suits
I had to settle.

Thanks to you, I still
can't drink tap water.

It's amazing how things
got so good so fast,

but where there's a will,
there's a way.

'Course when Betty here is
willing, there's several ways.

[screams]

I have to admit, these past few
weeks have been liberating.

Now that I'm free
from the constant distractions

of women salivating
over my macho intensity,

I've discovered a serum
that inhibits the aging process

a formula for infinite energy

and just how good a pair
of chaps can make a man feel.

You know, Corn Silk, I can
barely remember the old days

when we lived side by side
with not-men.

Life was harder then.

It used to take five quarters
to make a dollar, you know.

Cars were steam-driven,
as I recall.

[sniffles]

Well, I'm just glad
my kids will grow up

with a better life
than I had--

joyful and carefree,

able to enjoy the simple,

innocent pleasures
of boyhood.

[screaming]
[drums pounding]

[grunting]

[girls giggling]

Huh?

[giggling continues]

[theme from Beethoven's
Pastoral Symphony playing]

More. Tell me more.

How did Duckman
screw up next, Mom?

Actually, he didn't.

Duckman realized he was wrong,
apologized sincerely and became

the sweetest, most wonderful
person the world has ever known.

[gasps]

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Did I scare you?

I was just joking.

Of course,
Duckman screwed up

and this time with
his own children.

You see, that night,

Charles, Mambo and Ajax
went to report

the strange creatures
they had seen.

They're beautiful, Dad.

They're soft
and sweet.

And b*ll*ts bounce
right off them.

Wait. No.

That's reinforced steel.

And these breasted men,

I suppose they also had wings,
and they were spewing fire.

Begone. Such monsters
do not exist.

They weren't monsters.

They were girls.

I won't have language
like that in my castle.

Dad, it isn't right to
make us go through life

without a long-term
emotional connection
with a woman.

Hey, I never connected for more
than a couple of minutes,

and that's counting time

for the sleeping pill
to knock them out.

Trust me, kids, you're better
off without the love cops.

We all are.

SPORTSCASTER:
Stay tuned

for our exclusive coverage
of preseason ice basketball

here on CNN,
the all-sports network.

Meanwhile, Bernice had
her hands full with the girls.

But, girlfriend Bernice,
they didn't seem like

disgusting
muck-swilling insects.

Girlfriend Emily,
you have much to learn

about the three-legged ones.

Look around you.

Without they who
pee standing up,

we have truly made

the women's collective
emotional state

a democratic sisterhood
of love, trust,

generosity and kindness.

Can you believe
her hair?

All I see is
a pair of thighs

holding up some
overstuffed leotards.

[both giggling]

Yes, although men and women

pretended to revel
in their newfound freedom

their worlds were falling apart

and soon took on the feel

of an endless, dateless
New Year's Eve.

[film projector whirring]

[wolf howling]

But, unknown to the adults,
underground bands of youth

secretly engaged
in forbidden activities.

[laughter]

Mmm... mmm...

Weeks passed...

and then...

Dad?
Dad?

Dad?

DUCKMAN:
Over here, son, by the...

What is this stinking lump
of garbage?

CORNFED:
Hey, ho.

[belching]

Dad, we'd like
to brush our teeth.

But we can't find
the toothpaste.

And I can't
find my teeth.

Hey, what do you
want toothpaste for?

You plan on using your mouth
for something

besides chewing, chugging,
smoking or belching?

ALL:
Why, no, Dad.

Well, okay, then.

Girlfriend Bernice,

I wonder
if I could take a bath.

I'm afraid not.
Spiders crawled into the tubs,

and we're all scared to go in.

But I thought women
could do everything.

We've been astronauts,
heads of state, soldiers...

You don't understand, dear.

These are spiders.

Why would you want
to take a bath?

Oh, uh, no reason.

None shall pass.

Unless you're
a registered hermaphrodite.

Drat, what would Dad do
in a situation like this?

[screaming]

Those scamps
get more like

their father
every day.

[women giggling]

Ajax, would you like
to kiss me?

Kiss?

What is kiss?

It's when you press your lips
against someone else's.

Lips?

What is lips?

BERNICE: Girlfriends,
I think it's time

we talked to the men--

uh, for the sake of our
children, of course.

[murmurs of agreement]

Well, you know,

maybe we could
just talk to the women--

not 'cause we need to
or anything.

It'd just be for the kids.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yes.

[all gasp]

So, what the hell
do you want?

What? Listen,
we just want

to talk about
our feelings.

What?

Clearly, the riff
between the sexes

has affected your ability
to understand each other.

Allow me to translate.

We missed you.

Did you miss us?

Only when we ran
out of batteries,

but then we got
rechargeables.

Yes. We were so lonely.

Listen, we don't care
if we ever see

you cellulite
collection plates again.

We've thought about
how terribly we acted,

and we're sorry
we hurt you.

Up yours, you bony
bag of buzzard barf!

We accept your apology.

You want to come
crawling back?

We'll let you.

We love you.

[all clamoring]

And so, at last,

the wall came down.

[grunting]

[screams]

[cheering]

Uh... hi.

So I guess
we're all back together.

Yeah.

You know, we only came back
'cause of the kids.

We certainly didn't miss

you balding, beering, boring,
breasts-on-the-brain blowhards.

Yeah, if it wasn't
for those whiny shrimps,

we could have cared less
about a bunch of

hairy-lipped-legged-and-lapped
lipo-lovers.

["Clair de Lune" playing]

TOGETHER:
Good to have you back.

[cheering]

Oh, dear, look
at the time.

Aw, can we read the one

where Duckman becomes
the antichrist?

That's enough
for tonight.

Mom, that story's
so incredible.

Did it really happen?

More important, did you
learn something from it?

Something about how
we all need each other?

Are you kidding?

No offense, mom, but boys
don't need anything from girls.

Maybe you're right.

Good night.

Wait.

You forgot my hug.

Maybe I did learn something.

Maybe I learned
that we should listen to

and respect everyone whether
they're boys or girls.

That's right, Jimmy--

everyone except the Irish.

DUCKMAN:
Look at me! I'm naked!

Whee!