[duck quacks]
[snoring]
[ringing]
Uh... lunch!
Uh... lunch!
Wait till you see
what I brought today, Corny.
They've got everything
in it I love,
and they sell it right there
at the gas station:
artificial cheese wipe,
something that looks like meat
and two fuzzy green crackers.
[small shriek]
Do olives squeal?
What kind of slop
you got to force down?
Just a little something
I threw together
as I was leaving the house
this morning:
salmon in a pastry shell,
sun-dried tomato and scallop
salad on baby greens
and crêpe suzette.
Yeah, but I bet
yours doesn't come
with the Surgeon General's
warning.
Would anyone
care for a glass
of freshly made
lemonade?
I told you two dust mites--
juice pitcher on the left
side of the fridge
specimen pitcher
on the right.
Mr. Duckman, that was
all-natural lemonade
made exclusively
from lemons
that d*ed of
natural causes.
We waited until
these lemons
were in the
advanced stages
of decomposition
before using them.
All right!
Cameo's over!
You know, maybe this
would taste better
on the rocks.
[grinding]
[both shrieking]
Oh, yes.
Ice is nice...
Brrr!
Brrr!
[screaming]
...but steam is keen.
[chuckles]
[inhaling deeply]
Freeze, duck!
We got a complaint
from the sn*per's
nest next door--
something about k*lling
your pink and blue
secretaries.
Officer, please.
k*ll?
Fluffy and Uranus?
Why, I'm shocked, shocked that
you'd think I'd harm a hair
on their little
chinny-chin-chins.
[coughs]
Oops.
No. No! No!!!
I can't be going to prison!
Where's the justice?
This is America, damn it!
A country where
you can m*rder your parents,
slice and dice your ex-wife,
desex your husband
and still get a drawn-out,
six-month trial
at the taxpayers' expense,
complete with
a rush-to-video highlights tape
before the jury's
even reached a verdict!
And yet that kangaroo court
didn't take ten minutes
to give me ten years!
This can't be happening.
It can't! It can't! It...
Mmm-moo!
I never can resist that.
Uh, h-here already?
L-Look at me.
I-I'm, I'm such a mess.
I can't go out there like this.
Pardon me while I slip into
something more comfortable
say, uh, Argentina?
[grunts]
Listen, punk, name's Wanda,
aka God.
Play by my rules,
and you just might live.
Get cute, and I'll
introduce you to... Bruno.
[stuttering]
Bruno? I know a Bruno--
yea tall, a little fey,
works miracles
with hair tint
and a curling iron.
Ooh!
This is Bruno.
Look, no offense.
If I wanted to get smacked
around by some tattooed,
sex change waiting to happen,
I could have stayed home.
What kind of prison is this
anyway?
Oh, boy!
Hold the phone.
Talk about your
bureaucratic bonus.
Those red tapeworms
accidentally sent me
to a women's prison.
Cut the crapola, sister.
It won't wash here.
Duckman, huh?
Strange name for a broad.
No Shinola, Sherlock.
Open your eyes.
Just take one look
and you'll see I'm a mmm...
[very feminine
grunting]
ALL [gently]:
Ahh... ahh...
I'm a mmm...
Ahh... ahh... ahhh...
I'm a-mmm-mazed
at how this place
will reform and rehabilitate me.
And wait till
my fellow inmates find out
I'm a hot-oil masseuse
and semiprofessional
bikini waxer.
Want to play some
naked volleyball?
I'd rather do
nude weight lifting.
Mm, naked volleyball.
Nude weight lifting.
Naked volleyball.
Nude weight lifting.
Volleyball!
Weight lifting!
Stop it!
[both grunting and squealing]
[yowling like cats]
And that's just
a little taste
of what's in store
for you here.
The system really does work.
[giggling]
You know, Wanda, a job like
yours in a place like this
must keep you so busy.
If you ever need
any help at all
doing bed checks,
body searches
or watching those
endless security
monitor video tapes...
Listen, stool pigeon.
I'm getting tired
of that mouth.
Time for Bruno
to shut it up again.
Wanda!
[whip cracking]
You're not going to
hurt the new arrivals.
Hurting them is...
my job.
Oh. Warden.
[chuckling]
You're looking
dominant today.
Good Lord!
You're the warden?!
Can this hen pen get any better?
Silence!
[cracks whip]
Forgive my manners...
please...
come.
[moaning
and groaning]
[sighing
contentedly]
How does one stay
so supple, so feminine?
It's amazing what years
of self-abuse and atrophy can do
if you just put
a little effort into it.
[cracks whip]
No matter!
You must learn
that we have rules here.
In this facility,
bad behavior
will be met with
strict discipline!
While good behavior...
[cracks whip]
will also be met
with strict discipline!
Have I made
myself clear?
Perfectly, Bert Warden,
although I am
the very definition of a...
[chuckling]:
hardened criminal.
I promise to make you proud.
Trust me, my pet.
You already have.
[chuckling]
Ow!
Wait outside.
Wanda will escort you
to your cell.
She's perfect.
Perfect?
Look at her--
lithe, coquettish,
seductive--
and I mean that in a totally
non-lesbian manner.
She'll make a fine addition
to our little...
club.
[door buzzes open]
[suggestive chatter]
[inmates howling]
Hey there, hi there, ho there.
Love you.
How you doing?
So great to be here
at Gal-catraz.
I'm shacking you with
one of our old-timers.
She'll show
you the ropes.
Not to worry.
I'm no stranger
to the old bind
and boink.
I trust you
use velvet here.
I get such a rash
when hemp gets wet.
Aah!
Watch it.
Wanda can be a real
loudmouth-battle-axe shrew.
It's okay.
I've got the
home version.
Tough customer, eh?
Name's Betty.
Welcome to cellblock double-D.
The first night's
always the worst.
Listen, if you're scared...
I'll be fine.
I'll be glad to hold you.
Why, oh why, oh why
am I in this snake pit?!
It ain't fair,
I tell you!
You'll feel better
after a shower.
Shower?
You mean you?
Me?
Us?
We all shower together.
That way we can help
each other and soap those...
hard-to-reach places.
Shall we?
[laughs weakly]
[thud]
[giggling]
You always faint
when you hear
the word "shower"?
[muffled talking]
Don't worry.
You'll get used to it.
We have 30 group
showers a day.
That's a great way
to keep clean
and build morale
in a totally
non-lesbian
sort of way.
This can's a powder keg.
Everywhere you look,
there's a mud fight
or a pillow fight
or nude wrestling.
Yeah, I'm scared straight.
[grunts]
All right, hellcats, it's
time for another shower.
Not you, daisy.
You have visitors.
But-but-but...
Or would you like
to meet... Phil?
Hi, family.
Great to see you.
Living hell.
Don't try to get me out. Bye.
WOMAN:
Ooh... ahh.
It's so steamy in here.
Ooh...
Incoming!
[sobbing]
[sighs]:
What's going on?
Carpet party.
Carpet party!
In the big house,
you get tired
of having cold stone
under your feet.
So, once in a while,
someone has a big
area rug smuggled in.
We dance on the rug,
and for one night,
it's like...
it's like...
we're free!
Go, girl.
Go, Betty.
Go, Betty.
♪ Oh, there's a place
you've got to go ♪
[snapping fingers]
♪ The swingingest swank soirée
I know ♪
[snapping fingers]
♪ The wildest party
in the world ♪
[snapping fingers]
♪ Even though it's only girls ♪
[snapping fingers]
♪ It'll get you higher quicker ♪
♪ Than any bad old drug ♪
♪ So lose the beer and liquor ♪
♪ Right there on the rug ♪
♪ We'll have a carpet party ♪
♪ Lots of bee-bop, fun ♪
♪ I love a carpet party ♪
♪ Won't stop till it's done... ♪
All right!
INMATES:
Whoo! Yeah!
Hey, I get it now!
Huh!
♪ From your head
down to your feet ♪
♪ From a-top to bottom
it can't be b*at ♪
Huh!
♪ From your head
down to your toes ♪
♪ From a-hair to shoes,
knee to nose ♪
♪ Well, the people
who love jammin' ♪
♪ Find it's in the bag ♪
♪ So get the girls and cram in ♪
♪ Right there on the shag ♪
♪ We'll have a carpet party ♪
♪ Dancing ever faster ♪
♪ I love a carpet party ♪
♪ Good thing ♪
♪ It's a good thing ♪
♪ It's the master. ♪
Doesn't have what
it takes, huh?
Have her there
tomorrow night.
[growling]
Where do you think
you're going?
The... showers?
Change o' plans, princess!
This is cruel and unusual
punishment!
Put this on.
You're going out
to a little get-together
where you'll be doing men...
how you say... favors?
Yeah, you said it right--
favors.
No, sugar walls.
Favors.
[party conversations]
[cheering and whistling]
Aw, please, don't make me dance!
Has it come to this?!
Capering in front
of degenerates!
Humiliated!
Reduced to a pitiable creature!
Sacrificing dignity
and self-respect!
And for what?!
What?!
Oh. Is that a finski?
You put your down down
and thrust your pelvis! Huh!
Thrust your pelvis, huh!
Thrust your pelvis,
huh!
Thrust your pelvis, huh!
Thrust your pelvis,
huh!
[big band music playing]
[music fades out]
Where do you want
your steam room?
Second level,
behind the pasta bar.
Ahh.
Ahh.
[phone ringing]
The Duckman.
A conjugal visit?
Is it Scooter,
that dreamy consul,
or that ginchy ambassador Chip?
Ah... Cornfed Pig.
Ask for Chip, get chitlins.
Okay, girls, take a breather.
Oil up and I'll be back
for our 2:00 party sandwich.
[Duckman grunting,
Cornfed giggling]
[bedsprings bouncing
and creaking]
DUCKMAN:
Aah! Ohh... aah...
Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!
Oh! Yeah!
[laughing and whooping]
Whew!
If you ever get out,
Hemple's Department Store
has two new trundle beds
with our names on them.
Sorry to get down
to business,
but you're
in danger here.
Danger?
What kind of danger?
It's suspicious
if we're quiet.
The only way to
see you alone was
a conjugal visit.
We have to keep it rocking
so no one comes a-knocking.
I've been working
to get you out.
Get me out?
Over my dead body stocking!
In here, I'm the Grand Damme,
Double Dutch Diva,
Glenn Close-to-perfection.
My investigation
turned up
a lot of scams
in this prison--
prostitution, extortion,
counterfeit
Simpson's merchandise--
and the money trail
leads right to the warden.
This place is dirty,
Duckman,
and it's gonna
make you dirty, too.
Hey, can I help it
if I haven't gotten
into that shower yet?
Besides, the warden
cares about me.
Don't you see that any
popularity you have now
is because they can
profit off you?
When the inevitable
fall happens,
you'll be as forgotten
as Jesse Jackson
after a Democratic
presidential victory.
Guards!
Guards!
One hug before I go?
[snaps fingers]
You don't know nothing!
I'm Duckman, damn it!
Duckman!
It's never going to end
'cause there's no one here
better than me!
Duckman,
meet Susie.
[yelling]
[grunting]
SUSIE:
Hello, Betty.
Morning, Duckman.
Oh, look at
that little sweet tart--
that fake cheeriness,
those obvious hair extensions,
those playfully
mischievous breasts.
Oh, why are my hips
so large?
Well, she may think
that she's Miss All-That,
but I'm here to tell you
she... is... not.
What the...?
But the warden
only chucks me
in that sensual,
yet non-lesbian manner.
You'll feel better
after a shower.
Don't say that word!
I'm sorry, Duckman.
I know what you're
going through.
I was once
exactly like you.
Three kids,
dangerously slanting house,
a restraining order
from Anna Paquin?
What I meant was I was once
the warden's favorite.
Welcome to the former-
flavor-of-the-month club.
Silly Betty,
you probably think
before I came to prison,
I was rich.
No.
Famous.
Not really.
Educated at the best schools.
Never occurred to me.
My point is,
I don't have much in life.
I'm just another dime-a-dozen
gynecology school flunky.
Now, for the first time,
I am somebody.
I'm getting praise, respect.
So what if it's
'cause I'm a boy-toy
for slavering, disgusting men.
They'll drag me away
by my press-on nails
before I give up this gig.
Tonight, I'll reclaim my throne.
It's time to put on the dog
and scoot that pooch
back to the pound.
[chamber music playing]
[lively party chatter]
[music stops]
[music and chatter resume]
Duckman.
I'm so glad
you made it.
This seems like
so much fun.
Well, well,
apparently Halloween
came early this year.
Love those
fishnet stockings.
Oh, excuse me.
Those are your veins.
I'm sorry?
Fascinating jewelry.
Me? I stay away from
the home shopping stuff,
but it seems
to work on you.
Kind of highlights
your roots.
I don't...
By the way, still working
on that speech impediment?
All the men tell me
you can't say no.
[chuckling]
[laughing]
You are so funny, Duckman.
Thanks for
making me laugh.
I'm so nervous, this being
my big debut, and all.
[screams]:
Debut?!
I guess you're
my opening act or something.
I really wish the warden
would gave me some advance
notice on these things.
Okay, just hold your bit
under five minutes
and don't mention Vietnam.
I do a POW thing
during my tap dance routine--
sort of a tribute.
[drumroll]
Gentlemen,
it's time to present the person
you have all come to see.
Please welcome...
[rimshot]
Miss Susie.
[men cheering]
But I...
I'm prettier than she ever was!
Where you going
with that stuff?
It's mine. I earned it.
So I can't get
the "A" clubs anymore.
So what? That crowd
at the flea market loved me.
Wait! You're not taking
my three-speed foot soaker
and my nubs-begone
electric shaver?
Oh! No! No! No!
You can't take my
remote-activated shoe tree!
[sobbing hysterically]
Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
Ooh! Ya! Ugh!
[Wanda laughing]
My, my.
Just when you thought
she couldn't get more pathetic.
You! This is
all your fault.
Believe me,
it was my pleasure.
Well, get ready to mix
your pleasure with pain.
Baby, my pleasure is pain.
Then I'm going
to pain your pleasure
like it's, uh...
I mean, I'm going to pleasure
your pain till you...
uh, give me a sec, would you?
I'll get a handle on this.
Ahh!
[women chanting]:
Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Wait! Come back here!
She sucker punched me.
Look, I can still dance!
Look at me. Look at me!
[grunting and groaning]
Intense pain in my lower back,
buttocks and hips,
especially
along my sciatic nerve.
Wait a second.
I had lower back pain, too,
ever since
that last mud fight.
Me, too.
Hey, all this
gratuitous mud fighting
has given us sciatica.
Sciatica! Sciatica!
[all chanting]:
Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica!
Sciatica! Sciatica!
Sciatica! Sciatica!
Sciatica! Sciatica!
[grunting]
[grunting]
[glass shattering]
[groans]
Attention, ladies, this prison
is hereby being shut down.
You are all free.
For those of you with sciatica,
chiropractors
are here to treat you.
[inmates cheering]
[inmates whistling and cheering]
You two are under arrest
for price-gouging
on vending machine sodas.
Oh, and we're pretty sure
that dance ring stuff
was illegal, too.
Blessed Corny, how did you know
what was going on?
When I came for our
little, uh... visit
I planted a wire on you.
Really? I thought you
were just copping a feel.
Before that.
Thanks to the wire,
we overheard everything
and I mean everything.
Oh. Uh...
[chuckling]
That Swiss bank account of
undeclared agency profits--
that's, uh, in
both our names.
[women sobbing]
I'll miss you.
Good-bye, Duckman.
Buzz off, skank!
[grunting]
I probably deserve that.
You-- I'm going to
miss Most of all.
I'll never forget you,
Duckman.
Nor I you, uh... uh...
old pal.
[chuckling]
Eh, always wanted
my own riding crop.
Mr. Duckman, Mr. Duckman!
We're reconstituted again,
and all is forgiven.
[both screaming]
Yessiree! This'll
come in real handy.
Duckman,
being free,
you no longer have to
keep wearing that dress.
You know, you're
absolutely right.
[whistling]
Aside from your
new fashion preference,
I wonder what else
you've learned as a result
of your incarceration
in a woman's prison.
Cornfed, old friend,
I've learned, as Henry
Amadeus Thoreau said
that walls do not
a prison make,
that exploitation
of women
is wrong and hurtful,
but that dancing for men
is fun and profitable
that detective work
is boring and passé
but the right
undergarments
can make you
feel so alive
and that with the
slightest lifestyle
adjustment,
you, too, can know
the wild abandon I feel
every time I look
in the mirror.
Let's say
we go talk about it
over some tiramisu
and cappuccinos.
My treat.
[Duckman and Cornfed grunting]
[bedsprings bouncing
and creaking]
04x03 - Aged Heat 2: Women in Heat
Watch/Buy Amazon
In a universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals coexist, the series centers on Eric Tiberius Duckman, a widowed, lewd, self-hating, egocentric anthropomorphic duck who lives with his family in Los Angeles and works as a private detective.
In a universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals coexist, the series centers on Eric Tiberius Duckman, a widowed, lewd, self-hating, egocentric anthropomorphic duck who lives with his family in Los Angeles and works as a private detective.