04x04 - All About Elliott

[bunniefuu]

[duck quacks]

[indistinct chatter]

[overlapping chatter]

"Let's go to the local college

and find an intern
for the agency," you said.

"You'll really get something
out of giving back

to the community," you said.

Well, so far, the only thing
I've gotten today
is a sore butt!

You know, Corny, you pulled
some real boners in your day...

and now it's my turn.

[woman screaming]

Greetings, sir.

I've come to inquire

about your intriguing
offer of internship.

Is this some sort of
fraternity hazing stunt?

[laughing]:
I just love your voice.

You're like the white
Barry White, aren't you?

But no. Rest assured that
since I was a young lad,

being strolled about town
in Nanny's pram,

I've found that there's
no greater profession

than that of a gumshoe.

Um, you realize we can't
pay you, of course,

and that putting our agency
on your résumé

could actually cost you jobs,
and that several people

who have used our bathroom

contracted three
different strains of...

Please, it matters not.

To intern for your agency,

I would gladly walk
across the hot coals of hell

in a pair of open-toed shoes.

Then I guess
our next step

would be setting up
an interview

with the president
of our company.

And I take it he's
the delightful scamp

hiding underneath
the table.

Good news, Corn.

This exquisite
exchange student

has agreed
to become our intern.

She's from Bally.

I think you
mean Bali.

Bali?!

Forget it!

Duckman, I'd like
you to meet...

Elliott-- humbly applying
for the position

of intern/manservant.

I don't know, schlummo,

you're not exactly
what I had in mind,

i.e., young, female,
non-repulsive...

Duckman, I think
you should make
your decision now.

The students
are protesting

your presence
on campus.

There he is.

Don't let him get away!

Come on! Got you!

Did... I... do... okay?

You did great, kid.

Nobody's ever taken
a tomato for me before.

I took a b*llet
for you once

and a Kn*fe
and a gin bottle

and a three-ton
tractor-trailer...

Quit wallowing
in the past, Corn.

Elliot, welcome
to Team Duckman.

And now for our first
order of business...

[all clamoring]

Let's get the hell
out of here!

Ah, to attend a public function
with Duckman

and leave using the door.

[whistling]

[grunts]

[gasps]

Good morrow, Mr. C.

Morning, Elliott.

Um, I'm afraid you're
sitting at my desk.

My, a tad territorial,
aren't we?

Actually, since I've already
set up shop here, you know,

picture cubes, carbon paper,
that sort of thing,

I was wondering if you wouldn't
mind being a flower drum song

working over there for a bit.

Um...
Thanks.
You're a dear.

Now, tell me--

what time does that nice
Mr. Duckman come in?

Usually as soon
as bail is posted.

Now, then, since today
is your first day,

I was thinking we should
go over the Detective Manual.

If you have
any questions,

please don't
hesitate to ask.

"Chapter one..."

Um, Elliott?

What are
Duckman's dreams?

Last I heard,

a Poconos hot tub weekend
with Loretta Swit.

Now, then,
"Chapter one..."

Elliott?

Will Duckman
ever remarry?

He probably couldn't
pass the blood test.

Now, then...

Forgive me if
I'm misreading you, Elliott,

but you seem
somewhat obsessed with...

Duckman!

What to do?
What to do?

Yesterday, I used you
as a living dart board,

the day before, I tossed you
in the trash compactor...

Perhaps I would make

one teensy-weensy,
bite-size suggestion.

[whispering]

Elliott, you're a man-child
after my own heart.

Ow!
Ow!

[loud chewing
and swallowing]

They think
I've tortured them before.

Wait till they experience

the horrors
of my digestive system.

[rumbling]

Enjoy the ride, kids.

Since today's
my first day

under your
rather...
[sniffing]

aromatic wing,
I thought I'd show

my appreciation

by tossing together
a little smorgasbord.

Whoo-hoo!

Bon appétit!

But, Duckman,
you promised

to watch
your cholesterol.

Oh, I also brought in
a few periodicals

to spruce up
your waiting area.

I hope none of you
are offended

by the risqué.

Women's Babe Daily!

Better Hose and Garters!

Seventeen Inches!

It's a regular p*rn!

Whoo-hoo! Check it out, Corn.

Pop-ups.

Blush.

Well, I guess
Elliott and I
should carry on

with our detective training.

Well, actually,
I think I'd get more
out of studying

under the master
instead. Don't you?

Duckman, what do you
say knock off early

and head to this
go-go place I know

where we can have a
serious, sober discussion

of the intricacies of
private investigation.

[chuckles]

Lap dances on me.

Last one in the car
mops up the vomit.

Actually,
a sparkling
apple cider

would kind of
hit the spot.

Cornfed, aren't you
forgetting something?

It says in your
appointment book

that you're volunteering
at some sort of...

geriatric hospital
this morning.

Mm, you're right.

I best hurry over.

Well, Elliott,
it was certainly nice

having you here today.

What did you say?

It was nice
having me here? "Nice?"

What are you trying to say?
That I'm cute?

Some sideshow geek to dance
for your amusement?

Is that what you want,
little pig man?

A little shimmy?

A little shake?

Does that
make you happy?

Does that make you
feel like a man?!

No. I just meant
it was nice having you here.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't hear right.

Waxy buildup.

Ha, anyhoo...

bye-bye now.
Come again.

This little piggy
thinks he's so smart.

He thinks he's so funny, eh?

Well, let's just see
who's laughing now, shall we?

[chuckles]

Let's just see
who's laughing now.

[evil laughter]

What are you people
still doing here?

Don't you have a little
psychic friends commercial

to watch or something?

[crickets chirping]

[Duckman retching]

Elliott, tonight was the
greatest night of my life.

And you, my friend,
made it all possible.

What did we do again?

[laughing]

No. I'm serious.

Well, let's see.
What didn't we do?

Strip clubs,
table dances,

uh, triple-X
double features,

beer bongs, flaming
sh*ts, tattoos...

Tattoos?

[gasps]

Yes, the infection
that's setting in

lends a nice graphic
relief quality,

don't you think?

[laughing giddily]

You know, Duckman,
I've been thinking

that since we've had
so much fun tonight

and would hate to
see said fun end,

well, I have a
proposition to make.

Proposition?
Sorry.

This duck don't
splunk in the bunk

if you know what I mean.

Though, maybe
after another drink.

[laughing]

Ooh!

Shh, shh, shh.

We don't want to wake
that beast Ber...

[smoke alarm beeping]

[screaming]

Ahh! Ooh! Ahh!

Ahh!

There isn't
any fire.

It's just dad.

I can't decide
which is worse.

You mean we hosed
Grandma-ma down
for nothing?

How many times
do I have to tell you

no more work-release convicts
to do our yard!

Duckman, I didn't know
you had a daughter.

You must be mistaken.

I'm Duckman's sister-in-law.

You're Bernice?

Ha, when Duckman described you
as kvetching

I'm sure he meant "fetching."

Mm-wha.

[tittering]

[clearing throat]
[clearing throat]

Don't worry. I've got plenty
of hugs and kisses for you too.

Papa has told me
so much about you.

Mm-wha.
Mm-wha.

Oh, they're darling--

just like the Olsen Twins
only much less eerie.

But forgive my manners.

My name is Elliott--

a college student,
hyphen, aspiring detective

under the tutelage
of your dear, sweet father.

In fact, we have
an announcement to make.

Should you tell them,
or should I?

Since I have absolute
no idea what you're
talking about,

perhaps you should.

In order to focus
my studies better,

I was hoping to move
into your humble abode

and become an
honorary member

of the delightful
Duckman family.

Sure. I understand.

You're happy
the way you are.

You remind me of my family,
right before they were k*lled

by that experimental gasoline
space heater back in '87.

Go ahead,
toss me out into the street.

I'm sure a nice religious cult
will take me in--

just as long as I shave my head

and put on
some really ugly sandals.

[sobbing]

[sobbing]

I feel just... awful.

Of course you can stay
with us, Mr. Elliott.

That's Uncle Elliott.

Come on, boys.

Let's fix up
the guest room.

We got a guest room?

We do when you sleep
in the car. Ha!

From now on-- a new
era in decadence.

As much fun as we
had this evening,

I promise ten...
no 11 times more.

All the rich food

your bloated belly
can handle,

all the bodacious babes
your lazy eyes can ogle,

all the pleasure
one body can stand.

I... I don't think anybody's
ever been as nice to me,

ever understood me
as much as you do.

Thanks, Elliott.

Aw, come here, you
big sour-smelling galoot.

In the words of that
sassy chanteuse,

Ms. Dionne Warwick,
"That's what friends are...

...for."

[whistling
"Old MacDonald Had a Farm"]

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Duckman, what are you
doing here this early?

Don't you claim to be legally
blind until at least noon?

No time to sleep,
Pork Barrel.

There's just too much
fun to be had.

Why waste two to three minutes
waiting

for morning coffee to kick in,
when I can just inject it

directly
into the old bloodstream?

I thought
you'd given up caffeine

since it was making you
break out in those long,
alliterative rants

about the injustices
of modern-day society

that we were all pretty much
getting sick of.

God, you'd think he was
your mama or something.

[giggling]

You know, it's funny.

When I went
to the hospital yesterday,

I found I wasn't supposed
to volunteer until next week.

That's never happened to me
before.

Gee, that is funny.

You should go
on Star Search.

Duckman, you keep up
with your, uh, research.

I'll throw some slugs
in the candy machine
down the hall

and come back
with every gooey

glucose sugary snack
known to man.

Breakfast is after all the most
important meal of the day.

Elliott, you the man!

Duckman, does Elliott strike you
as a little... odd?

Oh, cut him some slack, Cornfed.

You know these college kids--

always looking for someone
to believe in

some sort of role model.

Ugh! Damn ringworms.

I guess you're right.

[ringing]

Duckman Detect...

Yes. This is Cornfed.

[muffled yelling on phone]

But that's impossible, Doctor.

It says in my appointment book

I don't donate my kidney
until three...

[muffled yelling]
Oh, that's horrible.

Please tell the family I'll go
halfsies on the headstone.

[ringing]

I'm sorry, Warden, but according
to my appointment book,

I don't sing to the inmates
until next Thursday.

How many
have been taken hostage?

[g*nshots, line disconnects]

[dial tone]

Something very odd
is going on here.

Cuckoo.

He, uh, must be
going through

the change of life
or something.

Your candy, sire.

Oh, can't.

No more room.

Ah, but you're
forgetting...

[whispering]

That's right!

Fluffy and Uranus.

Can't wait to see
the look on their faces.

Neither can I.

[ringing]

Duckman's Agency.

[muffled voice on phone]

Uh, Cornfed?

One moment, Sister Aloysius.

I'll see if he's in.

[falsetto]:
This is Cornfed Pig.

[normal voce]:
No, that's not right.

[Italian accent]:
This a-is a-Cornfed Pig.

[normal voice]:
That's close.

[coughing]

[imitating Cornfed]:
This is Cornfed Pig.

The orphans are waiting
for me to read to them?

Who am I? Their parents?

Yeah, I got a million of them.

Listen, sister,
I've been meaning to tell you,

it's a good thing
you're married to God

'cause no man
would ever want you.

Ha!

What?
I've offended you?

Then go have a stigmata. Ha!

[dial tone]
Hello. Hello?

Check... and mate.

I don't even know how
to play chess,

but that sounds so--
you know-- goldfingery.

Extra! Extra!

Pig's hateful words hurt nun!

Orphanage to close!

Orphans to be sold to science!

[mob screaming]

Fluffy, Uranus, where's Duckman?

BOTH:
Please don't eat us.
Please don't eat us.

Please don't eat us.

My world has been turned
upside down.

I don't know what's
happening to me.

I'm changing appointments
I don't remember changing.

Hurling insults
I don't remember hurling.

How can this...

Look, Piggy,
or Oink-Oink,

or whatever the hell
you call yourself.

If you're going to have

some kind of Mansonesque
ooga-booga breakdown,

do it on your own time.

We're trying
to work here.

I may be losing my mind,

but I'm sane enough to know
that you're trouble.

Get away from him, Duckman.

He waits on you
hand and foot,

gives you
everything you want.

Oh, and that makes
me trouble. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense.

"Duh, I'm Cornfed.
I'm a detective.

Duh, look at me,
everybody. I'm dumb."
[laughs]

[laughs]
Ah, you got to admit,
the kid's got you down.

I'll have you know
that Duckman and Elliott

go together
like peanut butter and jelly

spaghetti and meat balls.

Air show and disaster?

[whining]:
You take that back right now.

[sniffles]

[sobbing]:
Anybody got a hankie?

Preferably a Puffs Plus.

I chafe so easily.

Well, lookee, lookee-loo.

What do we have here?

Cornfed!
How could you?

Duckman, it's obviously
a forgery.

First, I would never wrest

control of your agency
away from you.

Second, I spell
my name with a "C."

I don't want to hear
your excuses!

I don't care if you screwed up
your charity work.

I don't care if you make
the kid weep like a woman.

I don't even care if you make
prank phone calls to nuns--

which, by the way,
is my domain--

but when you try taking away
my business--

something I worked so hard
to form as a tax write-off

those many years ago--
that's where I draw the line.

Pack your trough, Corny.
You're through.

I'll have a real friend
show you to the door.

Get him out
of here, Elliott.

He makes me sick.

No sooner said than done,
your eminence.

Uh, Duckman,
please...

Um, nope.

Go, you.
[straining]

I'm still
your friend.

I need your help.

[grunting]

Please.

[sniffles]

And thus, my fall from grace
was complete.

For reasons
I still can't explain,

I've broken appointments and
promises, hurt a lot of people

and in turn,
betrayed an entire city.

[snarling]

But it's not me, I swear.

It's... it's...

[man grunting]

[distant police siren wailing]

Elliott. All this started
as soon as he joined the agency.

He could have forged that
letter, changed my appointments,

captured my dulcet
yet virile tones

when that nun called...

but why? Why?

Why, why, why would Elliott
be behind this?

[wind whistling]

Sadly, not even the urbane
insights of Marmaduke

can bring a smile to this face.

Gasp.

[thunder crashes]

[men hooting]

Whoo! What a fantabulous
celebration

of our new partnership.

More chocolate-covered
pork jerky, Duckman?

[squishing]

[gulping]

I wonder where
that waitress is

with those grain-alcohol
enemas I ordered?

Elliott... I'm never one
to poop on a party

unless, of course,
it's one of those parties,

but I haven't slept
since I met you.

Maybe we should...
you know, go home.

Come on, Duckman!

One more lap dance.

It's not going to k*ll you.

[snaps fingers]

[rimshot]

[audience gasps]

Yeah!

[laughing]

[erratic heartbeat]

[thunder crashing]

[glass breaking]

Cornfed!

Here's a Hamilton, baby.

Buy yourself a new hat.

Duckman, come back.

[groggy mumbling]

I'm afraid your little
experiment is over, Elliott.

Or should I say,
Dr. Remus Elliott?

You... I... me... her...

How did you find out?

By being the only person
in the world

who will actually read
a college newspaper.

You're no student,
nor were you ever

interested in
becoming a detective.

You were merely
using Duckman
as a pawn

in your sick
research
experiment

to see if you could k*ll
a man with pleasure.

Okay, Mannix, you nailed me.

The second I saw him
on intern day,

I knew Duckman would be
the perfect specimen

for this project.

His total lack
of restraint

self-control,
willpower, class--

let's face it, the guy's
a friggin' mess.

[mumbling feverishly]

But why discredit me?

Try to ruin my life?

Oh, I could say
you represent

the yin
to Duckman's yang--

that your stable influence
is the only thing

that's kept him from getting
to this state years ago.

But the real reason I tried
destroying you, Cornfed...

was that I just
never cared for you.

I don't know, there was, like,
a wall or something between us.

We never really connected.

You've done enough harm
for one lifetime, Doctor.

The next paper
you'll be writing

will be your resignation
letter to the college.

Dream on, Pinky.

When I finish my experiment,
I'll get my thesis published,

thus accomplishing
my greatest achievement ever:

tenure!

Come on, Duckman.

We're going home.

Oh, no, he's not.

The Duckman
belongs to me now.

Duckman, come here.

Here, Ducky.

Duck-Duck, Ducky, Ducky.

[grunting feebly]

Duckman, it's me, Cornfed--

you know, Corn Pone...
Corn Husker... Cornicles.

[whimpering]

Cornfed doesn't know how to have
a good time, Duckman.

You said so yourself.

[whimpers]

Duckman, no.
You've got to be strong.

Do it for your family.

Charles, Mambo, Ajax, Bern...

Gecko.

[grunts weakly]

Look like it's time to break out
the big g*ns, so to speak.

I'm sorry.
Did I forget to mention

that our sultry, seductive
sexpot was also

a sextuplet!

Come to me, Duckman.

You know you want it.

You're better than that,
Duckman.

He's trying to k*ll you.

Please. You're my friend.

I need you, I... love... you.

[whimpering]

[glass breaks]

[gasping excitedly]

[heart b*ating faster]

[laughing excitedly]

[gasping groan]

[heart stops]

Damn you!

Damn you!

Damn you!

I win! I win!

But more importantly,
you lose! You lose!

Say, He-man! How's about
we blow this testicle stand

and head to another
place I know?

Togo A-Go-Go-- them
Bantu broads sure
know how to shimmy.

What?

You're back?

You're alive?

You're... you're...

indestructible!

Guess all I needed

was that little
catnap-slash-coma

back there to flip over
the circuit breakers

and now I'm ready
for more, more, more!

No! No! No!!

[crying hysterically]

CORNFED:
Good going, Duckman.

Pretending
you wanted more

of his self-destructive,
decadent lifestyle

was the only way to
get Elliott out of
your life forever.

Congratulations
on a brilliant plan.

Plan?

CORNFED:
Let's go home, Duckman.

Uh, Corny...

what happened
back there...

it, uh...

I-I tried. Uh...

Thanks, Corny.

That's what friends
are for, Duckman.

That's what friends
are for.

DUCKMAN:
Ugh! Damn ringworms.