04x08 - Ajax and Ajaxer

[bunniefuu]

[duck quacks]

[ticking loudly]

[ringing]

[inhales deeply]

[sighs]

Blessed oxygen.

Ow!

I just had a thought.

Good Lord, I'm glad
that doesn't happen very often.

Now, what was it again?

Ow! A question.

A question
which needs answering.

Brother Brethren,
I have a question.

Sorry, Ajax.

We're too busy
to interface.

Using
VRML-enhanced
software,

we've constructed

a virtual reality
simulation

of this very
environment.

Incredible.

It's as if
I'm actually walking

inside our room.

Yes, yes!

I see
our Einstein poster.

Now it's like

we're standing right
in front of it.

Yes, yes!

Aw, yes!

Well, I can always count on Dad
to answer my questions.

Actually, I can never count
on Dad to answer my questions,

but luckily,
I always forget that.

No, no, no, I'm late.
Your money's on the dresser,

plus a quarter
for bus fare.

And don't go dipping
into my penny jar, señora.

I counted those.
There's 14,

including
the counterfeit ones. Ha, ha!

Hey, are you conscious?

Hello, Dad.
Yaah!

Ajax,
what happened to that bell

I told you to wear
around your neck?

I swallowed it.

Any good?

Fruitier than the others.

I told you never to mention
my high school nickname.

Listen, anything
you just saw,

don't worry about it
or remember it

or ever mention it
to a living soul.

No one got hurt in there.

I mean, not
emotionally.

Dad, I have a question.

Good. Then all you
need's an answer.

Unfortunately, the Slap Happy
Pappy's late for work.

But, Dad,
you don't work weekends.

In fact,
mounting evidence suggests

you don't work weekdays.

No time, big case,
talk later, maybe June.

[thud]
DUCKMAN: Oh!

[woman screams]

Ajax, were you just talking
to your father?

Uh, yes.

Did he ignore you or insult you
or cruelly dismiss you?

Uh, yes.

Well, that certainly was...
inappropriate of him.

Aunt Bernice, since
you're avoiding insulting Dad

because we agreed
to be more sensitive

to each other's feelings,

did you really
want to say that Dad

is a walking
advertisement
for decapitation?

Yes! Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Did you want
to ask me something?

I'm afraid it's something
only a man can tell me.

It's about squirrels.

Perhaps, like
so much in life,

I can find an answer
in the good book.

Hello. May I please speak
to Maestro Griffin?

Yes, it's Ajax again.

How long will the meeting be?

Another three years?

No problem.

I'll hold.

[brakes screeching]

Okay, so where's
the strontium-smoking,

"my IQ's over 50,"

let-him-ionic-bond-with-my-butt,
science geek

we're supposed to meet
this morning?

A-hem, Duckman, this
is Dr. William Blais,

the eminent
neuropharmacologist.

Oh... Dr. Bluh.

Let me get right to business.
I want to hire you.

Cha-ching!
Ha, ha.

What? I was
only saying

what we were
all thinking.

Mr. Duckman, I run a top-secret
research laboratory.

My associates and I

are currently conducting
experiments

on the transients
of intelligence.

Oh, you think transients
are intelligent?

Living on the street,

stealing sour mash bottles
from your garbage,

trying to stiff you
when you sell them

your sister-in-law's
underwear?

Hmm. I believe that one
of my colleagues

is stealing data.

So, I want you to set up
surveillance at the lab

and tell me if you
see anything suspicious.

Sur-vay-lance?

Yeah. Well, me and d*ck Junior
will buy one of those

and set it up right away.

So, let's talk drachmas, Doc.

I trust you're aware

we're no longer accepting
magic beans in lieu of cash.

I'm sorry, but that's
strict office policy.

Oh, don't worry, Duckman,
you'll be well compensated

because for this job,

you're the best detective
in the world.

[chuckling]

[mad laughter]

[laughing]

[laughing and whooping]

[all laughing uncontrollably]

You know, Duckman,

I have a funny feeling

that Blais isn't telling us
the whole truth.

Duckman?

Would you shut up?

Your talking distracts me
from my new high-tops.

Duckman, I wouldn't be forced

to use this
comically antiquated equipment

if you didn't always
spend our fee

on shiny trinkets and baubles.

And your point is?

Perhaps it's time to set up

the surveillance equipment.

Sur-vay-lance?

[music a la Mission Impossible
theme playing]

[screams]

Let's look around
for evidence.

Ev-uh...

Shh!

Huh. 290 Kelvin.

Is that high?

You probably shouldn't
touch anything.

Oh, now you tell me!

My God, do you know how
many years I've been...?

I meant anything
in the lab.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Uh, got any business cards?

[bawling]

Just to reiterate,
you prob...

Hey, that was
surprisingly easy.

Why, I'd bet a kid,
thinking I was a role model

and wanting to imitate
my behavior,

could easily steal sodas
from a vending machine, too.

Do it! Do it now, kids!

Stick it to the man!

[evil laughter]

[laughter continues]

"But, of course,
that would be wrong."

Look at this--

a get-smart potion
and a get-dumb potion.

Yeah-huh, sounds good.

Duckman, no.

Can you imagine
what would have happened

if you had drunk that?
Phew!

Well, you deserve a drink
for that, partner.

Hmm?

Oh, my God!

No!

What?

Uh... nothing.

Did you just hand me
the get-dumb potion?

No way.

In fact, that's
the opposite of
what happened.

I drank
the get-smart potion?

Okay, maybe
not opposite.

Maybe exactly.

It's ridiculous.

Such a chemical compound
is completely imposterous...

i-impoundable...

impiniculabudringulubrum...

Hey, there's a word I know.

Quick. Ask me
the square root of 38,000.





Ask me how the pyramids
were constructed,

who invented language,

what's Ruth Bader Ginsberg's
home phone number.

Ask me!

How about Jenny
McCarthy's number?

Or how her pyramids
were constructed?

Of course,
it's highly improbable

that a simple elixir
could reduce me

to an addle-brained drooling,
knuckle-headed dumdum.

[gasps]
Dumdum!

I haven't said dumdum
since preschool.

Next I'll be saying
pee-pee and caca.

[gasps]
I said pee-pee and caca.

Aah! I no smart no more.

I not right in head.

I, uh, oorg... gaa... duu...

gi, gi, ga, ga!

[gasping]

[sighing]

Well, you sound
fine to me.

That's why he's worried.

You're probably wondering
why I did this.

Huh?

Ah, no. I was still
on Jenny McCarthy.

You wish.

You see, since giving

my untested get-smart formula
to a human

would be morally reprehensible,

I hired
an irresponsible imbecile

who I assumed would drink it
accidentally.

So where do I come in?

Luckily, a brilliant
mind like Cornfed's

being subjected to
the get-dumb formula

will serve just as well

especially since
he's proven it works.

Don't you see what this means,
Duckman?

I'll be rich
beyond dreams of avarice,

beyond limits
of good and evil,

beyond the boundaries
of human imagination!

[mad laughter]

You know,
something about that guy

doesn't sit quite right with me.

[eating noisily]

And then Corny drank
some weird thingy,

and this guy came
and said some stuff,

but it had lots
of syllable, so we left.

Let's see, you left
your best friend and partner,

knowing he might
have been poisoned

because otherwise
you might have been forced

to listen to syllables?!

Ajax, why is your head
like that?

I was on hold for Merv
for eight hours

before getting disconnected.

In retrospect,
it might have been nice

to have someone to suffer
this serious nerve injury with.

MAMBO:
Uncle Cornfed,
are you okay?

We heard you drank
something strange.
How do you feel?

Usually with my fingers,

though sometimes toes are fun,
especially with Jell-O.

Whoa.

Synchronicity.

What's that mean?

It's got a "t" in it.

Maybe it's about...

Drinking.
Drinking.

Whoa
Whoa!

Cornfed, it's almost
as if you and I, um...

Yeah, it's like we, uh...

Think alike?
Think alike?

No. Think alike.
No. Think alike.

[laughing]
[laughing]

This is horrible!

Drinking some
evil scientist's

formula has made
Cornfed stupid.

Say, this amusing development

could be just
what my relationship

with the old Cornbone needed.

Now he'll know what it's like

to be with someone
of superior intellect.

Cornfed, my man,
pass the linguini.

It is delicious, especially
when eaten in a perambulator.

Ha, ha, ha! He's got no idea
what I'm talking about.

Neither do we.

Uh-oh, maybe
it's contagious.

Well, this has been funsies,
but it's time

for me to go home
and wake up.

Hmm. Interesting
variation on the old

exit-into-the-closet gag.

This is terrible!

Cornfed can't
function on his own!

Perhaps Uncle Corny
could stay with us.

Uncle Corny, come on out.
Uncle Corny!

Come out!
I'm going to get in.

Come on out, partner.

You're gonna stay right here
with us until you're better.

Hey, just a peepshow
minute here.

Where's the Cornseed
going to sleep?

There's extra space
in the doghouse,

but I'm not sure Gecko's
really over his bowel trouble.

Welcome to Casa Ajax.

Whoa. Walls and
a ceiling and...

you have a floor.

Just got it.

Over here, I keep
my Merv Griffin scrapbooks,

my Merv Griffin photos,
my Merv Griffin calypso records

and my collection
of exotic meats.

It's beautiful,
like a sunset.

And over here is where
I keep the bunk bed.

[bedsprings bouncing
and squeaking, laughter]

[laughter]

[bedsprings bouncing
and squeaking, laughter]

Whee, this is fun.

It's cool finally
having a friend,

someone who thinks
just like I do.

Cornfed?

Do you know what you should

give a pet squirrel to eat?

Barbecue grills?

That's what I thought.

Do you have a pet squirrel?

No.

But maybe I have a friend.

[imitates engine revving noise]

This one looks
just like
Dad's car.

[imitating
car engine]

Yipe, yipe, yipe.

[imitating car engine]

Beep, beep.

Get out of my way,
you stupid people!

You think you own the sidewalk?!

Rant! Rant! Rant!

[laughing together]

Cornectomy,
time for work.

Um, Duckman,
Ajax and I were talking,

and, well, we wondered

if maybe I could go
to school with him today.

Sorry, fella, but I've
planned a full day

going to everyone we
know and showing them

how much smarter
I am than you.

Thank you.

Velcro can be tricky.

On the other hand,
maybe a little second grade

would be good for you.

DUCKMAN:
Will you kids knock it off?

Don't think
I won't pull over.

[horn beeps]
Get out of my way,
you stupid people!

You think you own
the sidewalk?!

Rant! Rant! Rant!

Gravity isn't just a law,
it's also a good idea.

Everyone sells
reversible screwdrivers,

but nobody sells
reversible screws.

I only mind the voices
in my head

when they don't speak English.

I went to an arcade
and won a free game,

so I took a pinball machine.

The Indianapolis Speedway
doesn't have any crosswalks.

You always just have
to run across.

[sighs]

[birds chirping]

I bet it feels just like this
when you're rich.

[laughing]

[Ajax and Cornfed
grunting and laughing]

All right, you just
earned yourselves

a time-out.

Ajax, go stand
in that corner.

Cornfed, over there.

Charles and Mambo,
go to your room!

What did we do?

Nothing.

God! The power
is so invigorating!

[horns honking]

Uh... lucky guess.

I still prefer Velcro,

the fabric of a thousand uses.

Observe.

Yeah, Velcro's, uh, bitchin'.

Do you know where I put
my other sneakers?

Um, no. Would you
like to wear mine?

Sure.

Um...

they're attached.

That's okay.

I'll go barefoot.

We're so alike.

Under these sneakers,
I'm barefoot.

Class, who can finish
this phrase?

"To be or...?"

Ajax.

Um... "from Venus"?

[students laughing]

Close.

Cornfed?

"To be or not to be."

Excellent, Cornfed. Who else...?

"...that is the question.

"Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind

"to suffer the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune

"or to take arms against
a sea of troubles

and by opposing end them."

[horns honking]

Where the hell's Cornfed
and the other kid?

Ajax and
Cornfed went

to the playground.

DUCKMAN:
Cornfed!

And the other kid.

Wow, everyone!

Guess what Cornfed got
on his book report today.

Bird droppings?

And an "A."

Not bad, Corntoad.

As a reward, I am raising your
weekly allowance by 25 cents.

'Course, since I'm no longer
paying your salary at work,

it's pretty much a wash.

Maybe the formula
is wearing off.

According
to a recent study

in the American Journal
of Evil Scientists,

the effect
of get-dumb formulas

is often transitory.

Ajax,
you're so quiet.

He's upset 'cause
he never got a call back

from Marv Albert.

It's Merv Griffin.

Doesn't anybody listen?

[crying]

[belching loudly]

Sorry,
did I miss something?

Ajax?

I'm going to lose you,

aren't I, Mr. Shoelace-
Tying-Able-To guy?

Yes.

The one friend I ever had.

I'll still
be your friend.

But it won't
be the same.

No.

I wish I had a squirrel.

Ajax, is there something

you've always wanted
to do with a friend?

Something special?

Yes.

Can you guess what it is?

Yes.

[fanfare playing]

[growling]
[growling]

Mr. Griffin, there are
two people outside to see you.

I think it's one
of those make-a-wish things.

One guy told me the other one
"doesn't have long."

GRIFFIN [over intercom]:
How unfair is this world

that some must perish
while others prosper.

Of course,
send them in right away.

Ah!

Ooh!

Eee...

It's so sad.

He's going fast.

He's in shock.

It's been his dream
to meet you.

I must say,
I'm surprised.

Oh, that tacky stuff outside
is just for the tourists.

I love beautiful old furniture.

Or just old.

It's okay.

Still usable.

Can you speak, son?

Are you all right?

Uh...
yesterday I got up

on the wrong side
of the bed.

The inside.

You're the kid
who calls me every day.

Ajax, right? Ooh!

I'm going to miss
not talking to you.

I only pray that
you die quickly.

I mean that in the
good way, of course.

But, Lord Griffin,
it's not me.

It's my friend
whose time is up.

Everyone likes
the smell of syrup,

but no one wears it
as a cologne.

This is so-o-o touching.

It's a magical,
magical moment.

So, uh...
you're not dying?

I'm going to keep getting
those hourly phone calls?

Well, you know,
just to make sure

there's always
a working line between us.

Gotcha.
Gosh, I'm sorry

but our time is up.

It's been super
meeting you, and you

and if you
ever are dying,

this can count
as our special time, okay?

Okay, Your Mervship.

Ajax, what's wrong?

What you said back there
about the cologne...

did you mean it?

You're smart again,
aren't you?

What does being
smart really mean?

If I knew that,
I would be.

I can tell you.

It doesn't
mean anything.

What's important
is being sweet

and kind and loving.

What you are, Ajax.

What anyone would be
proud of in a friend.

And I hope you know
I'll always be your friend.

By the way, remember
you were asking

about what a pet
squirrel would eat?

Well, why don't we find out?

It's a squirrel!

Oh, thank you, Uncle Corny.

I think I'll call it...
A Squirrel.

Here you go, A Squirrel--

a yummy barbecue grill.

Isn't that cute?

It's breaking its teeth.

DUCKMAN:
Oh, my God! No!