04x14 - Duckman and Cornfed in 'Haunted Society Plumbers

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Rodney, darling.

Thank you so much
for coming.

I wouldn't miss
tonight for the world.

It should be
an unforgettable evening.

Oh, I do hope
you're right.

I would be mortified
if anything went awry.

Dear Auntie,
I'm here.

Your loyal Huntz is here.

The wealthiest people
in the city are here.

What could possibly
go wrong?

♪ We're plumbers,
we're plumbers ♪

♪ We're plumber-umber-umbers ♪

♪ We're plumber-umber-umbers
and a-plumbing we will go ♪

♪ We're plumbers,
we're plumbers... ♪

Well, you got to admit,
Cornelicious, we
landed on our feet.

Getting thrown
out of our office
for nonpayment

of rent, phone
and utilities was
pretty humiliating.

Whereas now we've got a job
where we spend hours each day

with our hands in human feces.

And more. Thanks
to my clever ruse

putting us first
in the phone book,

someone actually called.

♪ ...We're plumber-umber-umbers
and a-plumbing we will go ♪

♪ We're... ♪

Couldn't we have been first
with only one "A"?

'Scusi. The careful
driver always signals.

[all gasping]

♪ We're plumbers,
we're plumbers ♪

♪ We're plumber-umber-umbers ♪

♪ We're plumber-umber-umbers,
and a-plumbing we will go ♪

♪ We're... ♪

[ringing doorbell]

Hum-an-a-hum-
an-a-ha-wha.

If those puppies
are for sale,

I want the one
with the brown nose.

I love that gag.

As do we all.

Ah, the butler.

Can I call you "the butt"?

[laughing]:
Another classic.

I'd hate to choose
between them.

I am Huntz.

May I help
you, gentlemen?

You betcha, Heinz.

We're from A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 Plumbing.

You're from A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 plumbing?

Yes. We're from A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 plumbing.

Oh, are these the men

from A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-1 plumbing?

Yes. They say they're

from A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
A-A-A-A-A-A-A...

All right. Come on,
we don't even have
a plot yet.

Didn't you say
you would be here

between 8:00 and 12:00?

Oh, you thought I meant A.M.

[laughing]

Gentlemen, you may do your work,
but you must be discreet.

Huntz, show these men
to the toilet.

Hey, look. The perfect place
to hide body parts

you've had
in your underwear drawer

since that lawn-mowing accident
in '92...

if, uh, you had to worry
about that sort of thing.

You are to stay away

from this case.

It contains
a priceless diamond

recently obtained

from the South African mines
at Sharon.

The Sharon stone?

I'd love to get
my hands on that.

Well, you won't.

You won't go near it,
get it?

Don't dent the
down, Huntzala.

Isn't there some kind of legend
about the Sharon?

Legend?

I don't think so.

Oh, I suppose you could find

some peasant who would say
the diamond is cursed,

that its very presence

can unleash the ghastly spirits
of its former owners,

all of whom d*ed
in unspeakable terror and agony,

vowing to return to earth

to torment any who dared
to possess it.

[thunder crashing]

Now we got a plot.

The diamond will be unveiled
at exactly 9:00 P.M.

But for you gentlemen,

I have a different
unveiling in mind.

Do-ee-ew!
Do-ee-ew!

Are you certain
you're experts

in the sanitary arts?

Yeah. Sure.

Now, run along
and buttle something.

Everything's under control.

[door closing]

What the hell
do we do now?!

Luckily, when I was dating
Ivanna Tr*mp last spring,

she paid for me to take a course
in home repair.

I did her wainscoting
at Mar a Lago.

Would you get your mind
out of the gutter?

We got a job to do.

Say, uh, what's
this doohickey?

It's the lever you
use for flushing.

Flushing?

[water gushing]

Somebody call a plumber!

The water's going in a circle!

You'd better go
to the basement.

Find the control
marked "water"

and turn it off.

Whoo!

Ooh!

[screaming]

Plumber coming through.

Move aside. Big, stinking,
plumbing emergency.

Move aside there.

Out of my way.
Emergency plumber.

Stand aside.

Whoo-hoo-oo-ee!

Ugh!

Serves you right
for being there.

That's why they give you people
special parking spaces.

Now, where would I find...?

Hello.

How's about we sneak a peek

at the family jewel?

Move aside.

Plumber doing something he
was specifically told not to do.

Out of my way.

Oh.

Gone?

Vanished. Kaput.

Disappear-a-mentay.

Absent-a-la-moochi.
Zipparoo.

This is terrible.

We have to tell
Mrs. Worthington-Ford

before anybody
else finds out.

Move aside. Ironically
genuine-this-time emergency.

Watch where you're going.

We're looking
for Mrs. Worthington-Ford.

I am Rodney Ford-Taurus.

What do you wish with my aunt?

I'm sorry. It's confidential.

Something plunger-related?

Something the-Sharon-stone-
has-been-stolen related?

Egad!

No one must
learn about this.

Do you hear me?

No one.

But what about

Mrs. Worthington-...?

Ford.

My aunt
is in the frailest of health.

The shock
could k*ll her.

We can't call
the police either.

We must investigate
on our own.

Actually, we're not
only plumbers.

We're detectives.

And we're not even
plumbers. Ooh!

Excellent.

If you find the
priceless diamond,

I'll give you
a reward of $25.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like you've got $25.

We'll take
the assignment.

So, how do we start?

Carefully.

If the thief
finds out we know,

our lives
could be in danger.

[gasps]
What?

I thought I
saw a ghost.

Maybe the curse
is working.

It seemed like the eyes in
that painting looked at me.

The danger's real enough.

Let's not imagine it
where it doesn't exist.

Come on.

Thieves could be anywhere.

Must stay alert.

All my senses heightened...

alive... ninja-like.

CORNFED:
Uh, Duckman?

Except the soles of the feet--

every ninja's weakness.

So, did you check outside?

No footprints in the soft earth
under the windows

and no tire tracks
in the gravel driveway.

Whoever stole the Sharon stone
is still here.

We have to check out
the guests.

Okay. When's
check-out time?

Will you cut it out.

Remember, everyone is a suspect,
so be careful.

If we blow our cover,
the crooks might come after us.

Big deal.

They might get tough
with us.
Let 'em.

They might k*ll us.
See ya.

Say, are you
a man or a mouse?

I'm more of a flea.

Flea?

If you say so.

Just yanking you.

Okay, let's go.

Not in these coveralls.

We have to get
evening clothes.

But where?

You! Society plumbers!

I am Count Andre von Steiner

und zis is
Baron Fritz von Braugher.

No butler met us
at ze door.

Zis is an outrage.

Look! Jews!

Huh?
Huh?

[grunting]

Hey, you wear
cartoony boxer shorts,

you're begging to have
your clothes stolen.

Shall we?

The thief may still
have the diamond.

Check everyone.

But no cavity searches.

We've got to get
the Sharon stone
back in that case

before Mrs.
Worthington-Ford
unveils it.

Now, spread out.

Hello, hello.

Nice to see you.

Charmed.

How's it hanging?

My goodness.
What an appetite.

Oh, yes, well...

Holdover from my days
in the m*llitary, eh, what?

Infantry?

No, we were adults.

Whatever are you doing
in my purse?

Please to be forgiving, madame,
but was for your own safety.

Was merely checking bag
for, uh, volves.

Volv...

I mean wolves?

Ridiculous.

Maybe is ridiculous in U. of S.

But in my country,
is eat or be eaten.

Volves is number one pest.

Must always look all over
for volves

for is always many volves.

Volves to right, volves to left,
volves in the mid...

Yes, yes, all right--

a lot of wolves.

Not just a lot!

You're not listening!

Is thousand of volves
everywhere!

At the drop of a hat,
you will find volf in hat!

We are lousy with them.

We talking
major volves here!

Yes, all-all right.

Unhand me!

Whew.

So I grabbed the savage

and I'll tell you, Count,

I gave him
a good caning, I did.

Well, listen, I'd
love to hear more

about that w*r
you were in...

Boer?

You certainly are.

So got to go.

So I sneak with g*n,
looking for volves.

I check every corner of forest
for hidden volves.

I check every hiding place.

Check twice,
and I check again and again!

[trumpet plays fanfare]

And then I went home.

Kind of petered out
at the end, huh?

Psst!

Excuse me for a moment,
my little pita pocket.

Keep the motor running
till I get back.

We've got a problem. Look.

If we don't do something, she's
gonna make with the unveiling.

Remember last year's

Duckman Detective
Agency employee
talent competition?

Sure do.
We should've won,

but that damn Uranus
just becomes Liza.

Atencion!

It is finally time

to meet tonight's
real guest of honor--

one of the most
exquisite treasures...

What the...?

I wouldn't say exquisite,
but who am I to argue?

Thank you, folks.

Thank you for coming tonight

to honor a lovely lady,
Mrs. Worthington-Ford.

[tittering]

Before she unveils the diamond,

I'd like to do a love song
just for her.

[people laugh]

You screwed up, huh?

Me? Exactly what
are you doing?

I'm playing the drums.

Boy, the way you do
it, that ain't play.

That's work.

Oh, yeah?
I know how to play Tiffany.

You mean "timpani."

You play what you want...

BOTH:
I'll play what I want.

Hey, get over here.

Hi, Bob.

We're trying
to do a love song

and you're banging away.

What's all that banging
got to do with love?

Never mind.

Maybe we should just sing.

I thought you'd never ask.
Hit it!

♪ Like r*fles and skeet ♪

♪ Cement and concrete ♪

♪ Like trick and treat,
buck and wheat ♪

♪ Dunn and Bradstreet,
that's us ♪

♪ Buddy, that's us ♪

♪ Like apples and jacks ♪

♪ Like caddies and shacks ♪

♪ Like hay and stacks
and hunch and backs ♪

♪ And turtles and wax,
that's us ♪

♪ Buddy, that's us ♪

♪ We always go together ♪

♪ It's just how we belong ♪

♪ No matter what the weather ♪

♪ Right or wrong ♪

♪ We get along ♪

♪ Just singin' our song ♪

♪ Like fiddle and sticks ♪

♪ Like mocha and mix ♪

♪ Like ice and picks
and lip and sticks ♪

♪ And contra and dicts ♪

♪ That's us ♪

♪ Buddy, that's us ♪

♪ Like Gaza and Strip ♪

♪ Potato and chip ♪

♪ Like roach and clip,
"Q" and tip ♪

♪ Skinny and dip, that's us ♪

♪ Buddy, that's us ♪

♪ It really is ♪

♪ Like witch and hazel ♪
♪ Post and nasal ♪

♪ Back and sliding ♪
♪ Cock and fighting ♪

♪ High and mighty ♪
♪ Gal and Friday ♪

♪ Egg and timer ♪

♪ Opp and heimer... ♪

"Opp and heimer"?

Eh...

♪ That's us ♪

♪ That's right, baby,
that's us ♪

♪ It really is ♪

♪ That's us ♪

♪ Buddy, that's us. ♪

[trumpet plays]

[gasps]

[gasping]

Do-ee-ew!

Look, it's those
society plumbers.

They've stolen the Sharon stone.

No. We're detectives
working for Rodney.

Tell them, Rodney.

I've never seen
these men in my life.

They must have
stolen the diamond.

That's a lie.

I wouldn't steal
that diamond.

I wouldn't even touch it,

'cause I'd be too
afraid of the, uh...

uh... what do you call it?

[disembodied voice]:
The curse of the stone!

Yes, thank you very...

Well, I've said it before
and I'll say it again...

[screams]

[all screaming]

[echoing demonic laugh]

[pounding]

Let me out! Let me out!

Or send the debutante back in!

Trapped inside
the mansion

because of some
so-called curse?

This is preposterous!

Worthington-Ford Manor
harbors many a mystery--

one of which is why you lied
about hiring Duckman and me.

Oh, that was simply
a lark, a prank, a spree.

He's such a scamp.

Come, Huntz. Let's see
if there's some other way out.

Good luck.

Don't let
the ghostulas bite.

Corny... I'm scared.

These old mansions are full
of secret passageways.

Maybe if we look around.

You can play detective
all you want, Cornbone.

Me? I'm digging a tunnel

the size of Rosie O'Donnell's
lower intestine.

[gulps]

Say, I haven't felt
a metal mama

since I had to strap one on
during my honeymoon. I...

C-C-C-C-C-Corny...

Cor-ny!

Yes.

Cornfed!

I thought you morphed into
some sort of futuristic

flesh-craving metal man.

Duckman, have you been
sticking the caulking g*n

up your nose again?

No, I'm serious!

I just turned around
like this...

and when I turned
back, you were...

[gasping]

Corny... you in there?

[wheezing]

[wheezing]

May I help you?

[falsetto shriek]

[shrieking continues]

Listen to that
little fellow scream.

[gulps]

For the last time,

there are no such
things as curses!

There are, however,
such things

as emergency exits.

Perhaps if we split up.

[floorboards creaking]

I don't know about you,
but this place gives me

a first-class case
of the creeps

with a side order
of heebie-jeebies.

I'm telling you,
Corneptitude,

this place
is evil, vile.

It's worse than Bernice's
dirty clothes hamper itself.

Whaaa!
Whaaa!

Shh! I'm scared.

Hold my hand.

Your hand's so soft.

Have you been
moisturizing?

Say...
you're not Rodney.

You're not Cornfed.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

And I'm right here.

[maniacal laugh]

From the timbre of it's wail,

I'd say it's a phantasm
from the netherworld.

What do you think,
Duckman?

I think I made
in my pants.

But you're not
wearing any...

Ew.

Return the Sharon stone
to its rightful place

or all will die!

Th-th-th... the what?!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Sure he does.

He does, you know.

Boy, does he ever.

I do not!

In any case,
the curse does not exist.

Ghosts do not exist!

[sinister laughter]

All right, I took it!

I stole the diamond!

[gasping]

Oh, Rodney!

How could you?

How couldn't I?

When those society plumbers
showed up,

I knew they'd make
the perfect patsies

for a crime
we'd already committed.

But now I've put it back,

so everything
can return to normal.

And I'll simply throw on
a fresh ascot

and prepare
for a rousing weekend

of lawn croquet.

I guess there's
no more need for this.

Thanks for the confession.

You mean to tell me
that you were behind everything?

I knew when you put
Duckman in charge

of the diamond's
disappearance,

that you were either stupid,
insane, or criminal,

so while I pretended to go
outside to search the property,

I snuck back in
and rigged up my equipment.

But, Cornectomy,
where'd you come up

with all those weird, Ray
HarryHamlin-type gizmos?

To be honest,
I didn't think

our new, uh, vocation

would be the most lucrative
career path,

so I planned
to supplement my income

by designing fun houses
for amusement parks.

Everything you saw tonight
will be on display

starting in June
at Six Flags over Laughlin.

And the reason you didn't
let me in on the secret

was that you needed
my hysterical weeping

and screaming
and soiling myself

to make the haunting seem
more authentic, right?

Uh... yeah.

[g*n being cocked]

Don't roll
the credits yet!

Excellent work, Huntz!

Shut up!
Hands up!

If murdering all of you

is the only way to get
the Sharon stone,

then that's the price
I'll have to pay.

I've worked and slaved
in this house for too long

to watch it all go
down the drain.

"Down the drain"?

Uh... I just remembered...

What? That you left
the water running?

Yes.

Oh...
Oh...

My...
My...

God.
God.

[gasps]

Oh!

[yelling]

[siren wailing]

Thank you, gentlemen.

While you may be
dreadful detectives,

you are
extraordinary plumbers.

For the return
of my diamond,

it is only right
that you receive a reward.

What would you say to...

a delicious box
of doughnuts?

Doughnuts?
Doughnuts?!

At least there's one thing
we can be grateful for:

There's no such thing
as ghosts.

Oooooh!

BOTH:
Ya!

[crashing]

Heh-heh-heh.

The perfect crime.

What the hell
are you staring at?!

[mix of The Simpsons and
Duckman theme songs playing]

DIRECTOR:
Okay, Homer, it's just

"What the hell
are you staring at?"

Okay? Take 38.

HOMER: What the hell
are you looking at?

I mean staring... D-ohh!

Okay. Good, good, but could
we try one where you say

"What the hell
are you staring at?"

Take...?
ENGINEER:
39.

Thirty-nine.

HOMER:
What the hell are
you looking at?

D-ohh! Staring...at.

Close, very close.

Okay, show 4457,
take 40.

What the hell are
you looking at?

D-ohh! Staring.

Terrific!

DUCKMAN AND CORNFED:
Do-ee-ew!