04x26 - Das Sub

[bunniefuu]

In the criminal justice system,

there are two separate
but equally important groups:

the police and prosecutors

who apprehend
and try the offenders

and the idiotic defendants,
who take up the court's time

with their
self-serving blather.

These are their stories.

Now, Judge Keaton
gave us special permission

to observe his court today,
so best behavior, okay?

So, she hit the switch
and sent a million volts

to the leprechaun's pot of gold.

There was smoke and cool sparks,

and the little creep's head
went ka-pow!

But in Leprechaun 6,

we find out that
that was a lepreclone

and the real leprechaun...

Mr. Duckman,
you've now acted out

five Leprechaun movies,

six Puppetmaster movies

and nine Maniac Cop movies!

Yeah, yeah, I know. There were
ten Maniac Cop flicks,

but real M-Cop fans
don't count number eight,

which totally violated
the integrity of the series!

What does that have to do

with the land fraud charges
against you?

Bottom line? In a world
of psycho zombies

and pumpkinheads
and k*ller puppets

who drill your eyeballs
with their little screw hats,

am I really such a bad guy?

Just 'cause a few
of my customers

got buyers' remorse
over the houses I sold them?

I still believe in a place

where overcrowding
is never a problem.

I still believe
in a town called Chernobyl

and in a planned community
called Chernobyl Vista Heights.

I find you guil...

Put that peeve on pause, M'lud.

I have proof that I'm innocent.

[whistles]

Letters!
Thousands of them--

all addressed to a guy
who'd never commit fraud: Santa.

Delivered by the United States
Postal Service to me

proving that I am Santa.

[spectators murmuring]

Order!

Even if this were relevant,
which it isn't,

these aren't addressed
to Santa, you idiot!

They're addressed to Satan.

Stupid post office.

Your Eminence, please instruct
the jury to disregard...

For the 19th time,
there is no jury.

[chuckling]

Wow, I knew I was drunk,
but I must be drunk.

Hoo-hoo!

Regrettably, my liege,

a jury of decent, hardworking,
system-hating African Americans

was essential
to my defense strategy.

So, I must take a mulligan
and officially change my story.

I now claim
I was rendered incompetent

by a known medical condition:
NHL fever.

[yelps]

If this state's
three strikes law

hadn't crammed our prisons
full of shoplifters,

I'd still be able to send
murderers and felons

and you to jail,

but... I can't.

Yes! I'm going to Disney World!

♪ Neener, neener,
neener, neener! ♪

DUCKMAN:
♪ You put your down, down

♪ And thrust your pelvis, huh!

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh!

♪ Thrust your pelvis...

Freeze, you degenerate lout!

Huh?

You've shown galling contempt

for this court, for me,

but worst of all, for the law

in front of some Malthus High
honor students that I invited.

What must they think
of the law now?

What lesson
did they...?

Judge, F.Y.I, Singled Out
starts in 20 minutes,

and I'm way across town.

That's it!

I'm making an example of you.

I hereby sentence
you to 5,000 hours

of community service
at Malthus High School

starting today.

We're adjourned.

Bailiff...

if he's not gone
in 15 seconds, k*ll him!

[nervous laugh]



That's 45 minutes!

Actually, it's
about seven months.

What?!

Damn metric system.

Please, I hope
you kids understand

that what
that man did... ow!

Someone call
an ambulance.

Wow, Malthus High.

That school is located
in a ghetto cesspool

full of crime and
poverty and despair.

Oh, Malthus.

That's half a block
from my house.

Yeah. The commute's
a breeze.

Sweet.

[siren blaring]

[brakes screeching]

Good thing I know
how to handle street kids

with their corduroys
and lip gloss and pudding.

Duckman, it's possible
your perceptions

of high school
may be a little off.

Wrong, Coronary.

I learned all about
high school from movies--

To Mr. Tibbs, With Love
and Les minds Dangereuses

and The Blackboard Diaries.

Movies have taught me
how to handle a classroom.

From Jeff Belushi to Goose
Gossett Jr. to Tom Berenstain,

movie guys know the best way
to deal with these punks

is to b*at the crap
out of them!

Then when one of them
molests the pretty lady teacher,

that's the one you k*ll!

Hmm...

I forgot the name of the teacher
that I'm subbing for.

He got hit in the head
at the courthouse.

Salgado. Right, right.

Thanks. Good-bye.

[muffled]:
Hello.

Uh... hi.

[nervous chuckle]

Uh, no air here.

Hello?

I... help. Hi.

Name's Duckman.

Checking in for my
community service.

Where do I go?

Oh. Yes.

Yes?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes.
Yes?

Yes?

Hollind paunda noo-rip.

Yes. Hi.

Where do I go?!

Community service?

I'm Duckman?

I used to have rough sex
with your mother?

Truck drivers
would pay to watch?

Hi.

Great. Unless
Commander Mumbo

from the planet Jumbo
goes to Berlitz

on his lunch break,
I'm screwed.

Stupid judge, sitting
so high and mighty

in his courtroom.

Who's he to
pass judge...?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Courtinroom, yes!

Salgado, ow!

Salgado, ow!

You substitute.

Substitute.

One-four-one. Hi.

One-four-one.

Yes. Room 141.

Yes. Thank you.

"Substitute." Belly of
the beast, huh, judge?

Probably thinks this sweltering
cesspool of dr*gs,

g*ng v*olence
and irresponsible sex

will be more than I can handle.

Sounds kind of appealing,
actually.

Well, since our substitute
is late today,

maybe we should review the list
of positively charged radicals

in the hydrogen cycle.

Ahh!

Whoa! Are you all right?

You got hit pretty hard.

Back offa that, homey!

If you on the pipe,
maybe I give you the pipe.

Anybody else want some?

I just popped the freshness seal
on a new can of buttkick,

so all I need's an excuse,
you fly?

[karate yell]

[groans]

Mm... hmm.

"Duckman"? Hey, you're that guy
from court this morning.

The one we told you about

who played the judge
like a vintage Steinway

and talked his way out
of some serious jail time.

[twitching]

Man, are you all right?

I don't like being talked about.

You're lucky
I never hit a lady

who makes
my Noam Chomsky.

Degrading sexist remark noted.

Oh... yeah.

Who's real now,
huh, Dexter?

This scene is real gone, baby.

I am into it all, dig?

Oh-ho-ho, very hep,
very... hep.

Do you need a sh*t of insulin
or something?

I don't do that crap.

I'm clean.

What are you into, hmm?

Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos?

Calestogan canoe wax?

Sinuvian swampweed?

Ladder-batter?

Budbugs? Spot-foxys?

Or is booger sugar your lady?

Look, we just want
to study hard,

get good grades
and go to college.

Ooh, easy, kitten.

I don't know
what all that is code for,

but keep back, 'cause I am am
what it am not, dig?

'Cause I am...

[agonized cry]

Ooh!

[crying]

I got a feeling this guy
ain't gonna be taking us

through the hydrogen cycle.

...is lust in action

and till action,
lust is perjured.

Duckman!

For the last few days,

I've been doing
everything I can

to try and get through
to you kids,

but you were too busy

boosting your
grade-point averages,

researching your
end-of-term projects,

and volunteering
for school outreach programs.

Now, as the final insult,
I find this.

You kids disgust me!

Look at you-- frittering away
your formative years

on good citizenship
and improving your minds

when you should be out
stripping BMWs

and learning the rudiments
of credit card fraud.

Eww!

Biology...

calculus...

Calcu-losers!

I submit that you kids

don't know the first thing
about the real world.

Are you serious?

We're all at the top

of the state percentiles.

Oh, yeah? Let's say
I got five apples here.

Maria asks me
for 20% of my apples.

How many apples do I have left?

Oh, that's easy--
four apples.

Wrong! The answer is five.

No one gets 20% of my apples

unless I see some
sort of kickback.

You wash my back, I wash yours--
which, incidentally,

is a lesson I plan to cover
with the girls next Tuesday.

Please do the reading.

Mr. Duckman, that is not
how we do things here.

Yeah. We're laying
the foundation

for some fast-track careers
and big-time opportunities.

Why should we listen to you?

[chuckling]:
Careers...

[snorts]
Opportunities...

Don't be ridiculous, girls.

It's men who have all
the real power in this world.

You just sit there
and look pretty.

But Mr. Duckman,
women are valuable

and equal members
of our society.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

You're so whipped.

You don't even realize
that the other kids

would be scared stiff
if you'd only use

your physical size
to intimidate them.

From now on, your new
threatening bully name

will be Skunk.

He doesn't need
some equivalency school dropout

messing with his self-esteem.

Ah,Luis!

You're the ringleader.

If I can reach you,
the others just might follow.

What'll it take,
mi hermano?

Bootleg cigarettes?

Fake ID?
Eight tracks?

Why are you even here?

I'm here because
I'm concerned
about your welfare.

All this fancy book-learning
is setting you kids up
for a sucker punch.

What happens when you
finally hit the mean streets

with your diplomas and find out
the only jobs available

involve dressing up in
frightening plastic clown heads

taking burger orders
at a local drive-through?

So, you got
a better idea?

I just might. I want you kids
to follow the simple principles

that made this country great.

Why did the founding fathers
fight for their independence

as soon as taxes got too high?

Why did we force the Indians
onto worthless tracts of land,

only to kick them off onto

even more worthless
tracts of land

as soon as the first drop
of crude oil was discovered?

And why did our own government
trade arms

for hostages for narcotics
for hostages for arms

with the very same drug cartels

they're supposed
to be fighting?

Anyone?
Skunk!

Because the American system

may be bad,
but it's the best we have?

Quaint notion, but wrong!

Because we're keeping
the world safe

for freely elected...

Blah-blah-blah,
whatever you said.

Damn it, kids!
Quit thinking rationally

and open your eyes.

I've got to
make you kids understand.

[heavy sigh]

Are you saying
that the big g*ns

go where the big money
sends them,

and that afterwards,
the dudes that win these wars

get to write
the cleaned-up history

we read in these textbooks?

[bell dings]

Actually, I thought

it had something to do
with defective breast implants,

but your answer's good, too.

People, take out your textbooks
and turn to chapter one...

and tear out those pages.

Tear out
the confusing squiggly marks

that cover those pages.

Free your minds!

Your butts should follow.

Kids, you've taken your first
steps into a much smaller world,

but there's still so much
you need to know.

Hence, I forged
your parents' signatures

on some permission slips

so that a few
of my most remedial students

can hit the town
for a little

down-and-dirty,
real-life experience.

You're in my classroom now.

[snaps fingers]

[background crowd noise]

[crickets chirping]

I had a really great
time today, Mr. Duckman.

The rewards are
all mine, kids.

But we lost
a lot of time today.

We were supposed to be studying

for the college boards
next week.

That's right.

We'll have to make it up

with some serious cram time.

Damn it!

Haven't you kids
learned anything?

Studying is
for suckers.

How the hell are we supposed
to pass the test

if we don't study?

The old-fashioned American way.

[whispering]:
Duckman, I found
the answer sheet.

Yes! We're going
to Disney World.

[loud crashing]

[alarm blaring]

Let's get out of here.

Gangway!

Whoa!

[body thuds,
Duckman groans]

LUIS:
Mr. Duckman,
throw the rope up.

Sorry, son, that would cost me
valuable seconds of escape time.

Think of this
as your final lesson.

And remember,
when you arrive in prison,

attach yourself to the biggest,
most dangerous con you can find.

You don't want to end up
as just anyone's bitch.

Hasta luego.

[g*ns cocking]

[squeaking]

GUARD:
One-two-seven on the gate.

This school takes detention
very seriously.

Wow! You're Cornfed,
Peru's legendary forward!

You powered that team
to three World Cups.

Four World Cups,
but then the hamstring went.

Now I mainly work
as Duckman's partner.

He sent me
to get you out of here

and to assure you
that he will do anything--

anything at all--
to clear you.

He'll admit
the break-in

was all
his idea?

Some good news:

I met with the vice-principal,
Dr. Aconian,

and he agreed to release you
until the hearing.

Unless Duckman confesses,
that's all I can do.

Man, that duck
is one big rat.

No one da'st blame this man.
No one.

He's... complex.

It's hard for him to separate
his craven, cowardly side

from his disloyal, selfish side.

Hmm. If that's true,
I may have a plan.

DUCKMAN:
Cornfed, come in.

Quickly.

Well, did you...?

They're in
a lot of trouble.

Well, that's bad--
of course,

that-that kind of trouble's
just the worst possible--

but they, uh, they
made their own bed.

I had no idea they...

But they say
you knew--

you knew
because you planned it.

Well, that's, uh, no, no, no,
I never knew, I couldn't know.

That would be wrong, against
school rules, it's just...

We know you didn't know,

but they're liable
to say you did

to make... accusations.

And that's just it--

y-you know I did it,
I know I did it,

but that jerk Keaton
doesn't know. No one knows.

No one... could...

...know... they could...

They look at you and see
what they want to watch.

They look at me and know
it's the wrong channel.

Pray with me, Cornfed.

[crickets chirping]

What would Lucas Tanner do?

Or the White Shadow?
Gabe Kaplan?

Or Karen Valentine?
Or, uh... uh...

LUIS:
Matt Waters?

Montel?

Who's there?

Oh, you.

You disagree with me,
I suppose

about the way thing...
with the break-in.

You mean the
one you planned?

The one you made us do?

Well, yes, yes, I-I...
planned it, yes.

But they, they, you see,
wouldn't understand.

Hey, you know I did it,

but that jerk Keaton
doesn't know. No one knows.

I can't confess.

I just don't want
to get in trouble

unless it's trouble
with honor.

Sorry.

God bless you all!

...Then, in the movie
Living Dead 8,

we, uh, learn
that the government

is infecting people
with the zombie virus

and turning them into flesh-
eating special forces units,

which... whoo!
[gavel bangs]

KEATON:
Mr. Duckman,

as President
of the School Board,

I can't tell you
how pleased I am

to be presiding
over the termination

of your community service.

Before I send you
back to my courtroom,

and the criminal conviction
you so richly, richly deserve,

do you have any evidence

that doesn't relate
to some gory splatter flick?

Only the example and guidance
I've tried to provide

for this great bunch
of young people, Judge.

Right, kids?

DUCKMAN [on tape]:
You know I did it,
I know I did it

but that jerk Keaton
doesn't know. No one knows.

Is it too late
to take another mulligan?

Duckman,
what you did to these kids

was beyond reprehensible.

You're a danger

to the moral health
of this entire community

and as such, I...
LUIS: Wait!

Your Honor,
may I speak?

I object! Your Honor,
this boy is underage,

and hence, any
testimony he gives

about me cracking
open a parking meter

to give him change
for a condom machine

is completely
inadmissible!

I'll allow the testimony.

Your Honor, everyone knows

that Duckman
is the lowest brand of scum.

Objection!
Not everyone knows that.

Please interrupt again

so I can have you
bound and gagged.

But Your Honor,
who has Duckman actually harmed?

Not us.

In fact, no one else

has ever helped us
quite like Duckman.

This man taught us to make
the most of every opportunity

to cover our butts
at all costs

and finally, to tape
an incriminating conversation

and use it
to betray those dearest to us.

He showed us
how the educational system

does little more
than prepare its graduates

to work the deep-fry station
at a burger joint.

But he did more
than open our eyes

to the uphill battle
we have ahead of us.

He taught us that no matter what
horrors lie in store for us,

we don't ever, ever
want to be like him.

Your Honor,
Duckman taught us these things

because he cared for us,

and I say that
if caring for kids is a crime,

then pronounce
Duckman guilty.

But no matter
what your decision,

he'll always be
a hero to us.

STUDENT:
Whoo-hoo! All right!

STUDENT 2:
Yes! All right!

STUDENT 3:
You said it!

In light of the new evidence,

I declare Duckman not guilty
on all charges.

[students cheering]

[gavel banging]

But to ensure that Duckman never
sets foot near this school again

I'm terminating

the remainder of his
community service

and ordering him

to maintain a distance
of at least four Miles

from all students.

[students groan]

Your Honor, I leave here
with more than

the hundreds of dollars
in school supplies

I've stuffed in my briefcase.

I leave here

with the love and respect
of a great bunch of kids,

and I promise them

that the lessons they taught me
will remain in my heart forever.

God bless you all!

Mr. Duckman?

[car horns honking]

[clapping]

[clapping continues]

Will you shut the hell up
and go home?!

I've called the cops!

DUCKMAN:
Friggin' hoodlums.

[helicopter overhead]

OFFICER:
Please disperse.

[all screaming]

[music a la
theme from Law & Order plays]

DUCKMAN:
k*ll the puppets
who drill your eyeballs

with their little screw hats.