01x03 - McSnuff the Mystery Mutt

[bunniefuu]

Good. You're awake.

Just in time to meet
our guest of honor,

- your kidney.
- I've heard about you.

You're the...
[groans]

The Kidney-pper.
[thunder rumbles]

Kidney is such an interesting
organ, isn't it?

We've got two,
yet we only need one.

Kind of like the D'Amelio sisters.

If you ask me, Dixie can get
D'Ameli-outta here.

[laughs]

- Wait, are you trying stand-up on me?
- [scoffs] No.

Did you know the average kidney
is the size of a cellphone?

Hello?
Uh, he says "urine" trouble.

Okay, this is definitely stand-up.

It's not stand-up.
If anything, it's alt-comedy.

But no matter,
because I'm getting the light

- leaving your eyes.
- That's creepy.

Oh, good.
That's what I'm going for.

Blending these tones is a hard
needle to thread, you know.

- Ah, geez... Whoa!
- [laughing]

You're k*lling me.

- And I mean that both ways.
- Who's the comedian here?

[adventurous music]

♪

[glass shatters]

They say no guts, no glory.

Therefore,
the converse must be true.

More guts, more glory.

And guts are the Kidney-pper's
bread and butter.

[dramatic music]

- Who the hell are you?
- I am the Kid-napper.

- So then where are the kidneys?
- Oh. That's the Kidney-pper.

I'm the Kid-napper.
I abduct baby goats.

You know, kids.
Kid-napper.

Kang and Martinez took
the Kidney-pper case.

So I'm on the lame case?

No, sorry,
I get the big, splashy cases,

the ones on the front page.

I'd be lucky to make
the Odds and Ends section

with this case,
and that's assuming no one

grew a pumpkin that looked
like one of the Wahlbergs.

I kind of like this case.

Kidney-pper spotted on 3rd
and Nathan Lane, closing in.

That's nearby.

[handcuffs click]
Wait here.

We have a front page to ca...
I mean, a k*ller to catch.

What?
We can't just leave her here.

- What about protocol?
- Protocol...

and I am not saying this lightly...

- schmotocol.
- Uh, this one I'm gonna need

to take in for,
you know, evidence.

I'm gonna name you
Probable Cause.

♪

Drop it Kidney-pper.

[laughing]
[vocalizing]

I don't want
those cheap laughs.

Whoa, whoa!
[groans]

- Drop the kidney.
- Please.

[goat bleats]
I have been the Kidney-pper.

Tip your waitresses.

[grunts]

Agh!

- He got away because of you!
- Easy, Martinez.

I know you're Flute's
well-established rival,

but take it down a few steps.

I put you
on the Kid-napper case.

So instead of following my
orders, you went in search of glory

just to fill
that damn glory hole of yours.

And if you're here,
where's the Kid-napper, loofus?

That's "loser"
and "doofus" combined.

- Keep up, dooser.
- Oh, don't worry, I cuffed her to a pole.

Don't look at me like that.

I was told it's a myth
they can eat through wood.

Wait, no, that's tin cans.

Oh, and the males
are known to lactate.

Well, join the club.

Is there a baby nearby?

[bell rings]

Wow, can you imagine
being a Stable Boy?

[gasps]
They always look

like they've been
freshly-hugged by both parents.

[all laugh]
Except for that one.

Oh, somebody's
gonna start crying.

- [giggles]
- You guys, my mom says it was

- just an emotional affair.
- Jacket, Jayden.

[grunting]

[grunts]
Relationships ebb and flow.

- They'll be stronger for it.
- An opening in the Stable Boys.

This is my sh*t.

All I have to do
is make it seem like

my family isn't in complete
shambles, and I'm in!

I absolutely love that
for you obvi,

but Stanakin, be careful.

- B... uh, of what?
- I don't know.

Just seems like the right thing
to say to someone

before they start
a life of deception.

Look, Kang,
about this whole mix-up,

I just wanted to say
I apologize for nothing,

and this will
absolutely happen again.

Which is why I need
to teach you a lesson.

I'm putting you on... desk duty.

Desk duty?
You can't do that.

I'm the world's
most smartest detective.

That's how good I am.
I defy the rules of grammar.

I need to be
out solving crimes,

- not desking desks.
- Go ahead.

I don't even know
how to get into this thing.

Arms first? Feet first?

What, do you wear it?

Oh, Flute, since you'll be here
all day, tell anyone who calls for me

that I'm busy out in the field
solving cool crimes.

Aw, cool crimes!

- Getting free food at diners.
- I love comped coffee.

Sitting in a parked car
talking out the window

to detectives parked
in the opposite direction.

The squad car 69.

And would you mind processing
this paperwork for me?

[coughs]
Okay, that's it.

Whoo... ow.
[groans]

Caught the three-hole punch
on my one-ball pouch.

Let's go get you stocked up
on office supplies.

I hope you like ballpoint pens.

Everything you need
is on that shelf.

And don't do anything stupid,
got it?

Ugh, I hate when people
tell me what to do.

And I really hate when boxes
tell me what to do.

Mm. I remember McSnuff.

I bet this holds up.
Everything from the past does.

Hi, kids.
I'm McSnuff the Mystery Mutt.

And I'm here to show you
how to help me stop crime.

Ugh, how can I do that
if I'm stuck

in my stupid desk all day?

You may be asking,
"How can I do that

if I'm stuck
at my stupid desk all day?"

[g*nsh*t]

Crime doesn't play by the rules,
so why should you?

It's time to take matters
into your own paws,

even if you've been
specifically told not to.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This just might be purr-fect.

But, like, the dog version.

Grr... grr-fect?
Woof... woof-fect?

No, grr-fect. Yeah.

Grr-fect.

[goats bleating]
This came to me.

But I think it's fan mail for you.

See?
It says "Kidney-per."

Here, they keep sending me
your water bill.

[trash can clatters]

Hmm. Probably just some kid.

- Ooh.
- Not that kind.

Now, where were we?

[ominous music]

Well, that does it
for another day at work.

Time for casual mode.

[console beeps]
[sighs]

[both whimpering]

- Look at that.
- [gasps]

Looks like I argyled too soon.

Are we clear, boss,
at the crime scene?

This Burg needs a hero.

And you either die
a hero or live long enough

to see yourself dress
up as a former hero.

Wow. Now I wanna eat a hero.

Not the hero I need,
but the one I deserve,

- with extra banana peppers.
- Hey, man,

you're not the only vigilante
waiting to give a rooftop monologue.

Reporting live from downtown

where there's one word
on everybody's lips, McSnuff!

Who is he?
Where'd he come from?

- And is he "fixed"?
- And, McSnuff, if you're listening,

I'll be reporting later
from the reservoir,

which I'll have accidentally
fallen into

while wearing a necklace
made of Snausages.

What a bunch of Lois Lanes

all hot and bothered
for a masked vigilante.

[scoffs] They're not
serious journalists like me.

You know what turns me on?
Honest reporting.

You got turned on by
the report of the gas leak

- at the children's hospital?
- A little bit. A little bit.

Save me, McSnuff,
and then upside-down kiss me.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, hey, guys.
Is this seat free?

Why, has the financial burden
of maintaining two homes

because your parents divorced
left you unable to afford a chair?

[all chuckle]

Not sure if you heard,
but my dad's moved back in,

- and my mom's falling hard.
- Hmm.

A second-chance love story

would be a good addition
to the crew.

Sit. We were about to eat.

My parents made my lunch

with their arms
around each other as equals.

I have my parents'
leftover wedding cake.

They renew their vows monthly.

Mmm-mmm.

- And you, Stan?
- My parents didn't make me lunch.

Because we're intermittent
fasting as a family.

My family and I did
a juice cleanse last year.

Mother, Father, and I
have never been closer.

Consider yourself
under consideration.

You can almost taste
that jacket, can't ya?

And that'll have to do

because you have
no lunch whatsoever.

In case you all were
wondering where I was,

I was taking a dump.

But I heard
while I was in the bathroom

that McSnuff busted
another perp?

I'm just saying, he's solved
a lot of your cases.

Yeah, almost as many cases
as you've made extended poops.

Well, maybe you'd catch
a criminal too

if you weren't so busy
sliding into my BM's.

If you don't mind,
I've got stuff to do.

There. One paperwork.

Martinez, where are you at
on the teeth heist?

- Teeth heist?
- Oh, some real pros at the Dental Museum.

Then I gotta run.

- Yeah, where you running, desk bunny?
- I gotta go, uh...

take another dump,
a big one too.

And you know how people say,
"Don't go in there" afterwards?

Well, this is that
but in advance.

Don't come in there.

Because you will definitely
find a big dump and me.

[heroic music]

♪

[screams]

Not you, McSnuff!

Help me, McSnuff!

I'm Harmony Flute,
doing real reporting,

unlike some desperate hacks who
throw themselves into danger.

And I'm here in the Grimsburg
subway tunnels,

which were abandoned years ago
due to a hostile rat takeover.

[rats squeaking]
Uh, Harmony.

I think the rats are coming.
[train horn blares]

Oh, my God.
That is not what I pictured.

Aah!

[gasps]

So now you are doin'
the Lois Lane thing?

Good for you.
Let me know how it goes!

Bye!

[grunts]

♪ ♪

You... you saved me.

McSnuff, you're under arrest
for vigilantism.

- Whee!
- Cool.

- Well, use yours.
- Oh, yeah.

McSnuff did that.

We all saw it, right?
Yeah, we all saw it.

♪ ♪

Just so you know,
I'm not like the Lois Lanes.

I'm not gonna be all impressed
because you saved my life

and then took me on a roof

to show me a view of the city
I've never seen before...

oh, my God,
the town actually looks

kind of beautiful from up here.

World looks different
when you're on top of it.

Oh, your voice.
It's so... manly.

Oh, this old thing?
It's just how I talk.

[chuckles]
And what big eyes you have.

I actually see out the nostrils.

- I bet it's hot in there.
- Very.

And I think there are spiders
in the ear part.

Let me give you a ride home.

But if you're ever in trouble
again, text the Snuffline.

Standard messaging rates apply.

Thank you. Or should I say...

good boy.

Just think,
it'll be that but on a jacket.

You sure you have the shoulders
for a jacket?

Oh, look, there's Mom.
And McSnuff?

What are they do...

- Oh, my God!
- I know you always wanted a dog,

but not like this.

Or maybe like this.
Not judging, okay.

[dramatic music]

Dad, I-I-I saw Mom
kissing McSnuff!

- Pretty nice, huh?
- Nice?

No, I mean, nice for her, not me.

McSnuff is obviously a really
cool, brave, sexy, clever, cool,

sensual, heroic, funny, strong,

fast guy who's extremely cool.

Maybe this town and your mom
need a hero like McSnuff.

That dog has even got
my dad under his spell.

Well, I'm not gonna let some
stray tear my family apart

and ruin my chance
of becoming a Stable Boy.

Maybe what this town
really needs

- is a villain.
- And more bike lanes.

Check it out.
First he takes your job.

Then he takes your girl.
What's next?

Oh, wait,
you don't have anything else.

- Gotcha!
- Actually, I happen to have

a massive amount of credit card debt,

so not gotcha,
more like backwards gotcha...

"ahctog."

You sure are interested in McSnuff.
Anything you wanna tell me?

Uh, just that he's doing
great out there.

And I'm doing great
in here on desk duty.

You might as well call me
Miley Cyrus

because I've been sitting here
getting the best of one world.

- Don't you mean Miley Stewart?
- Why would you insinuate

I'm Miley Stewart, the
character that Miley Cyrus played

in "Hannah Montana,"
who is living life as a teen

while secretly being a popstar,

allowing her to have
the best of both worlds?

[gasps]

- How did you know?
- Because I set all this up.

I led you into the storage room

and wrote "Don't knock over"
on the box

because I knew that would
make you knock it over.

And then once you saw
the costume,

I knew you wouldn't be able
to resist

putting it on and fighting crime.

But as McSnuff,
you wouldn't be getting

any of the glory,
so you'd learn the lesson

that justice is its own reward.

But you never learned it,
so I have to tell you the lesson.

Flute, justice is its own reward.

Ugh, you could have
just told me that

- in the first place.
- A true mentor takes the longest route

to travel the shortest distance,

like a butterfly on a windy day.

Well, now it seems
like you're just making up

- sayings about mentors.
- Hey, who's the mentor here?

Starting to think no one is.

But I'm solving crimes,
and everybody loves me,

- including Harmony.
- Do they love you or the suit?

♪

Kang's right.

I do all the work,
but he gets all the glory.

It's time for me
to tell the world that I'm...

[sinister laughter]

Somebody there?

Follow the warm stream
running down your thigh.

No. Down here.

If you tell the truth,
it will ruin everything.

People don't love Flute.
They love McSnuff.

Especially Harmony.

[glass shatters]

Ha!
[grunting]

I'm taking you to the pound.

[phone beeps]

See? It's from Harmony.

She's in trouble,
so she texted me

on the Snuffline, not you.

♪

Oh, he was fighting himself,
like I was in the original Spi...

wait, is that the whole reason
I'm here?

Eh, it's good to get
out of the house.

[tires screech]

Harmony, I came.
Where is she?

"Where are you?"

No, not "whales are yummy."
That's not cool or true.

Damn these giant paws!

Ooh.
I deserve a treat.

In the words of The Bard...
ruh-roh.

♪ ♪

Oh, come on, Probable Cause,
that's not helping.

- But it would make a fun TikTok.
- Summers!

- Yes, Sergeant Yergunnawannaseedis?
- You're gonna wanna see this.

[remote clicks]

And we go now to a live feed

from an abandoned warehouse
downtown

where a crazed lunatic
claims to have captured McSnuff.

People of Grimsburg,

it is I, The Dognapper.

And I'm here to rid this town
of your favorite hero,

unless there is a bigger hero
who can save him.

Let's say
a mustachioed detective?

And then anyone who was falling
in love with McSnuff

would have to shift their love

to the new, better,
bigger mustachioed hero

who saved him
because that's how love works!

[laughs evilly]

Ugh, how did you
knock me out?

Did you slip something
into one of those 24 beers?

Shut up, you don't get
to ask the questions.

You get to sit and stay
until my dad comes to save you.

And then everything
will be right again.

- Ugh. I am your dad.
- Oh, really? [chuckles]

If you're my dad,
then when is my birthday?

- Uh... April-ish?
- Dad!

♪ ♪

Remember earlier
when I was like, "Be careful,"

and you were like, "Of what?"

And then I was like,
"I don't know"?

I think this might be it.

Oh, God,
we've gotta get out of here!

Hurry, I'm not supposed
to die like this.

I wanna die
in a road warrior battle

after the climate apocalypse.

Please, God,
all I need is five more years.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[grunting]

No time to rescue me and McSnuff.

Leave me. Take the suit.

Tell the world it was you all along.

- Get the glory and the mom!
- Smart kid. Save me.

The fact that I'm genuinely

not sure what he's going to do
is concerning.

- McSnuff!
- Hold on!

I'm coming in,
so you can save me.

[glass shatters]
What are they doing?

It's like you said,
those women aren't serious

if they let themselves get
all swept-up like that.

Maybe I was wrong.

You know,
it felt nice getting swept-up

in the moment,
whisked out of a subway tunnel,

saying "whee"
and really meaning it.

Who are we to judge them
for what they like?

No, if they wanna
overly spray their hair

and wear poly-fiber suit jackets,
I fully support them.

Oh, my God,
those women are so flammable.

[explosions and screaming]

You're a little turned on
right now, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

[crowd gasps]

- Where's McSnuff?
- McSnuff is... is...

Do it, Dad.
Tell them it's you.

♪ ♪

I am proud to say
that McSnuff is dead.

[all gasp]
But he'll never die.

[all sigh]
Well, no, I mean, he is dead.

[all gasp]

But he can never really die

because McSnuff
is inside all of us.

And I know that because, in
a way, I was inside of him.

- McSnuff was gay?
- We're totally okay with that.

I love CNN's New Year's Eve!

[cheering]

Why didn't you tell them, Dad?

You could have been the hero
and gotten Mom back.

Because sometimes
justice is its own reward.

Yeah, I taught him that.
Mentor. Continue.

And I guess
I don't need a jacket

to have a pretty awesome family.

No idea what you're talking
about, kiddo boy, no idea.

I've been meaning
to bring this up.

Does your dad
not know your name?

Because he hasn't said it in,
like, a while.

Prison is tough, though.
It is.

I miss waking up
and immediately seeing

the love of my life,

who's been sleeping
next to me all night.

Folks, I'm talking
about my phone.

[booing]

- Oof, Netflix will give anybody a comedy special.
- Marvin, the raccoons are back.

- And one of them has a switchblade.
- Coming!

[cackling]

- So what's up this weekend?
- Just... hanging around.

[cackling]