01x02 - Pretzelkins

[bunniefuu]

No, dad.

No, dad, you don't understand...

That's not it at all.

I actually enjoy playing bingo.

I just don't
wanna schedule bingo.

I don't wanna see
the word "bingo".

In my date book on Saturday.

"Saturday night...
Bingo."

You know what I'm saying?

Not yet.

Ben?

Yeah.

Don't get Froot Loops
on my bed, please.

Sorry.

I would like you
do me a favor...

Bring grandpa to
the urologist today.

Would you do that for me?

To the...
To the what?

To the urologist.

The urologist?

The urologist.

Would you do that for me?

Come on, dad.

You can't just spring
this kind of thing on me

at the last minute.

You know, I have a life,
and I've got things to do today.

Well, Ben, that's why
they invented the VCR.

Oh, that's very funny.

No, what do you
have to do today?

Well, um... I have to, uh,
return some calls.

Mm-hm.

I have to get my resume
into shipshape.

You can take my car.

I have to, uh, bring
grandpa to the urologist.

Thanks, Ben.

I appreciate it, believe me.

I don't have to go
in there with him, do I?

No, but remind him to put
his pants back on.

Right, 'cause last time...
Is there a problem?

They have to do
a cleaning process.

Let me explain to
you what's involved.

They put a tube...

Yeah, but!

Uh, I don't remember.

Did I show you the latest
picture of my twins?

You tried.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.

You're not into kids.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Dr. Katz's office.

Yes, he is.

It's your wife.

Wife?

Can I take this one here?

Mm-hm.

Hi, honey.

Yeah, all right.

Go ahead.

Four cans chunky
in spring water?

Large box honey nut cheerios,

push that, number two,
right there.

Say "Dr. Katz's office."

Number two, right there.

Dr. Katz's office.

No, no, this isn't the doctor.

I'm, uh... well,
I'm a patient.

You too?

Yeah, that's nice.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, it sounds like
you're doing great, yeah.

Look, do you want to
leave a message or something?

Can you hold on a second?

Sorry, honey.

Okay, variety pack of cereal.

Uh-huh,
maple syrup.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, I thought there
was a whole other thing.

In the thing there.

All right, no, you're right.

You're right, I didn't check.

Look, I'm sorry.

Dozen cran-apple
juice boxes.

Hold on.

Dr. Katz's office.

No, I didn't abandon you.

I didn't, I put you
on hold for a second.

Take it easy.

Look, look, pal, I'm sorry
if I hurt you, all right?

Mr. Romano?

Hello?

Mr. Romano, the doctor
will see you now.

Thank God.

My three year old...
I'll tell you what,

that's the way
to be though, doc.

Sure.

That's a wonderful age.

I always thought if
I could go back in time,

I'd wanna be a teenager,

but you don't get
happier than three.

I watch my daughter...
It's incredible.

The other day, she's
staring out the car window.

For 15 minutes,
with a smile on her face.

Just smile, nonstop smile.

I couldn't get over it.

Finally I just turned
to her and I say,

"Alexandria, what are
you thinking of?"

"Candy."

Candy, candy.

When's the last time you
could daydream about candy?

You ever have that nice a day?

Whenever you have a free moment,

can you fill it with candy?

No, you can't,
'cause you're an adult.

There's too many other
things now.

"Oh, who am I, why am I here."

Am I gay?

"What's
that lump?"

There's no room for candy.

Well, you're an adult now, Ray.

You have responsibilities,
you know.

You have lumps, I assume.

You want one of those?

I have to go to Canada
next week to work.

Have you been to Montreal, doc?

Yeah.

The French people,
they kind of annoy me.

Not that they're annoying...

They just won't speak
English to you.

Right.

They're all bilingual.

And they have an attitude
with the English.

You know what amazed me?

I went into a Burger King
in Montreal...

The Burger King employees
are required to be bilingual.

Just think about that, doc.

I don't know if you've been to
Burger King here in our country.

They're not even
lingual over here.

You have to draw your food.

I want a hamburger.

Hamburger.

Hamburger.

I don't want a pie,
put the pie down.

I see the pie.

I want a hamburger to go.

I'm gonna go.

Here, I'll draw little
feet on my hamburger.

See?

It's self-explanatory.

You know what I think your
problem is, Jonathan?

You spend too much
time with unhappy people.

It's starting to rub off.

So you think I should
just treat the cheerful?

You know what I'm saying.

That would be, Julie,
like me telling you

you're spending too much time
with thirsty types.

No, listen.

That's just the way it works.

That's what I do.

I see people who are unhappy.

That's how I make my living.

Can somebody see you even if
they're not, like, depressed...

Borderline?

Yeah.

That happens all the time.

People come in...

People aren't always depressed
when they arrive.

Like, they might
need to talk about

a particular problem
that they're having?

Yeah, there are people who
come in with a specific problem.

I think I'm overqualified,
in a certain way,

to treat those people.

I think very often what they
need is like a smart ant.

Well, a friend of mine
told me something,

and I think she would really...

It would help her a lot if
she had somebody to talk to.

Well, you know what?

Let me give you
my number at work,

and maybe she can call me.

You know, if she wants
to talk about it.

Well, that's a good idea.

Okay, here.

It's on the back of my card.

Well, this is nice.

Tell her...

This is a cute card!

Tell her to mention
when she calls.

That she's a friend of yours.

Who's this little
person in here?

What do you mean, the cartoon?

Yeah.

That's supposed to be me.

Oh, yeah!

You don't think...
It doesn't look like me?

Well, what's in your hand?

That's a pencil in my hand.

Oh, yeah.

What'd you think it was?

I don't know.

Just sorta...
That looks like a pencil.

That looks like a pencil.

I'm feeling very feminine
right now, Dr. Katz,

'cause I got my period today.

Mmm.

And most of my friends
got it when they were 13,

so I guess
I'm a little immature.

This germ phobia of yours...

Where do you think
that comes from?

My mother.

She's so neurotic.

She puts down toilet paper
on the seat.

Even at our relatives' house.

At the dinner table.

And if that's not crazy,

I don't know where else
I got it from.

No, no, that's crazy.

Hey, are you going up?

Yeah, I thought I would,

since we're on the ground floor.

Oh, right, right.

Aren't you getting out?

No, no, I'll stay in.

I'll ride up with you.

How about that?

I'm in no hurry.

I got really nothing planned.

Hey, you remember me, don't you?

Yes, yes, I do.

Yeah, I'm Ben Katz, Dr....

I said I remembered.

Right, Dr. Katz's
son, Ben Katz.

I said I remembered.

That's who I am.

You look well.

You have, like,
a peachy look to you.

Peachy?

Yeah, you've got a good
shimmer of your skin,

like a shine, you're all shiny.

I went to the zoo the other day.

And I love the monkeys.

Aren't they so cute?

And the little giraffes.

They're so cute.

And my least favorite
are the, you know,

with the little heads...

Um, the kids.

Ah.

Those... they're always
screaming and crapping.

Mmm.

Kids are cute.

If they belong to your sister
and you can leave,

but sometimes
I take her to Disneyland,

and I don't like it there at
all, because I don't like mice.

Okay.

This is some elevator, huh?

This is the slowest elevator
I've ever ridden on.

Yeah, don't you
find, though, that...

Are we stopped?

Hey, just think...

Someday this elevator
will be mine.

I'll own it.

Wow.

I'll rent it...
I won't own it.

I'll lease it.

With an option to buy it.

It'll be my elevator, sort of.

Hey, have you had lunch?

Uh, no.

Neither have I!

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Why is it so hard to
not hear you?

Wow, that is not what
I was expecting to hear.

So you don't...

You wouldn't wanna have lunch?

Is that what you're saying?

I mean because I...

I'm in my own private hell.

Am I echoing to you?

I am in my own private hell.

You're not here.

Hmmmmm...

You know, I get the feeling
we're not connecting.

I hate dating.

I am never myself on a date.

I never eat as much as I want,

and I have to speak in
that British accent.

Maybe I'm old fashioned,
Dr. Katz,

but I like it when a man pays.

Mm-hm.

For sex.
Oh.

But I've been getting
much more spiritual lately.

I read the Bible.

That guy can write!

No, Mrs. Liebman,
and even if the doctor knew.

What Wendy wanted for
her birthday,

he wouldn't be able to tell you.

It's called patient
confidentiality.

Well, it's the law.

I'm sorry.

All right, bye-bye.

Dr. Katz's office.

I'm still fine,
Mrs. Liebman.

Mrs. Liebman, I told you...

The doctor does not sell
gift certificates.

I don't know what's
wrong with me, Stan.

I seem to be stuck
in this middle-aged,

"this is my life,
get used to it" rut,

and I don't like it.

I don't like the way it sounds.

Yeah, look...
Katz, Katz, listen...

Yeah?

We both know what you need.

Which is?
Which is?

Which is a little
zoom-woo!

Oh, you're talking about
some nyeck-nyeck-nyeck?

No, no, no,
I mean some serious zavoov!

Oggidy-oggidy-oggidy.

Hey, but, look, even if
I wanted some zavoov,

oggidy-oggidy-oggidy,

where would I find any?

You know what
I'm saying, in my life?

I don't know, I don't know.

Think about it.

But, uh...
You must meet.

A lot of desperate women, right?

Stanley, you know I'm not
allowed to fool around.

With my patients.

You know, I took an oath.

An oaf?

Not an oaf, I took an oath.

An oath?

Oath.

See, that was your big mistake.

You should never take an oaf.

Well, it doesn't seem
to be a problem for you.

Of course not.

I mean, women just, you know,
they gravitate towards me.

I mean, I don't understand.

I think I have a certain
kind of magnetism.

So you think my problem with
women might just be electrical?

Yes.

Yes, that's possible.

I mean, I've done what I can.

I mean, I've...
Remember last year?

I invited you to
the office party.

Please, let's not...

You had, like, 10, 15 women.

That you could have chosen from.

Yeah, but, Stanley,

if you introduce me to them.

As "the loneliest guy
in the universe"...

I'm trying to help you.

Well, give me some advice.

Something I can use, you know.

Even a line.

You know, that thing
you gave me last year,

"do I seem feverish?"
Works, but...

You know what it is?

Shoes.

You need to upgrade your shoes.

What are you talking about?

It's the first
thing women look at.

They look at the shoes?

Yeah.

But flats is the right
move, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, you don't
wanna wear heels,

but you want something cool.

Women like...

In addition to shoes,
they like smiles.

They feel less
threatened by a smile,

even though a smile is
an act of aggression.

In and of itself,
which I'm sure you know.

Yeah.

But they like...
If you smile at them,

just a nice, warm smile.

I wish... you know
I don't smile easily.

'Cause I'm self conscious
about my teeth.

You know what works?

Just a drop of vinegar on
the roof of your mouth.

Will give you a nice
big smile for about two,

three seconds.

Is that right?

But won't they see you
applying the vinegar?

Turn around.

You turn around
and... wow!

It's a big smile.

Look, my point is that
when I was a kid, we were poor.

Very poor, but my parents
never let on.

My mother used
to make a dish for dinner...

Dad, you know how many times...

That consisted of one
piece of American cheese,

two peas for the eyes, a cherry
tomato for the nose,

and a piece of
celery for the mouth.

Mm-hm.

You know what she called that?

As a matter of fact, I do, dad.

She called it "clown"
Ben, and we loved it.

Clown.

We looked forward to it.

Mm-hm.

Dad?

Yes, I'm sorry, what?

Can I ask you
a question, quickly?

Yes.

Why do these pep talks.

Always have to be so depressing?

I don't know.

I guess it's my training.

Your training.

Well, this is what
I'm hearing you say:

It seems like you
have a hard time.

Maintaining relationships
with men.

Well, just my last boyfriend.

We were incompatible,
to say the least.

I mean, I'm a night person...

And he didn't like me.

Hmm.

And he was married.

I don't know if I should
mention that.

I was married, a long time ago.

I was too young when
I got married.

I got married
right after college.

It was terribly messy,
the divorce.

It was so messy, because
there was a baby involved...

Him.

Do you think that you
deliberately sabotage.

Your relationships?

I don't know.

I just wanna meet
a sensitive guy.

You know, a man who will cry.

When I hit him.

No, I would never hit a man.

If he were sober.

Can you validate
my parking stub?

Your what?

Well, the valet guy
said you'd validate.

The valet guy?

We don't have a valet.

This is a laundry ticket.

What are you saying?

I'm saying this
is a laundry ticket.

I'm saying that you seem
to have given someone your car.

For a laundry ticket.

I don't see the humor in that.

Well, it's very subtle.

Should I talk about
my neurosis, now?

Nothing would make
me happier, Ray.

You're faking it.

No, I mean it.

I would like to
get into that area.

That's what this is all about.

The big thing is
I can't watch the game anymore.

The holidays...

Yeah?

The holidays are the hardest
time for me and sports.

I don't like that they put
football on on Thanksgiving,

because it just starts
fights in my family.

The men wanna watch
the game, the women don't.

You know what they do?

They compromise, the women.

They put the TV on
without the volume.

Which never works,
'cause then you have to pretend.

Like you're paying attention
to your family.

Ah, grandma, could you
pass me the gravy, please...

Pass it!
I'm open!

Get rid of it!
Pass the gravy!

Oh!

You suck.

I'm not gonna shut up.

We shoulda got rid of her
last year.

Look at her!
She's a loser.

Can't watch a game.

Oh, Ray, Ray, Ray.

What am I gonna do
with you, laddie boy?

Fix me.

Oh, man.

Hey, dad, will you pass
the snack things?

Oh, yeah, the...

What are they called,
pretzel bits?

Pretzelkins, pretzelkins.

Who makes these things?

Aren't they good, though?

They're filled
with the cheesy thing.

Hey, uh, dad...

Yeah?

Are you sticking
around here tonight?

Well, I thought, you know,
I rented a movie.

I thought maybe we could...

Yeah, well, actually,
I rented a movie too, so...

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, we can watch 'em both.

You know, why don't I just
let it get cozy here.

Should I get
that comforter in the...

No, no, no.

Oh, come on, Ben.

When was the last time
you and I just...

Were under a comforter?

I don't think cozy
is a good thing for us...

Come here, snuggle up with
your dad for one minute here.

Dad, stop talking like this.

Who's your snugglebunny?

That's...
Huh?

You're making me uncomfortable.

I mean, this isn't...
This is, like...

I thought you were maybe...

You should go out.

You should actually go...

What are you saying, Ben?

I'm saying I can't see you
anymore, dad, like this.

I can't...

What, are you just gonna
drop it on me like that?

Well, I feel that honesty.

Is the best policy here,
because...

You met someone else,
didn't you?

Well, I met...

I actually was
thinking of having.

A friend over, maybe, tonight,

that's okay.

And I rented
a couple of movies...

And they're probably movies
that you wouldn't like,

and, uh, so
I was thinking that...

No, that's all right.

I have a little work
to do anyway.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't mean to be...
I mean, this is your house.

Don't worry about it.

No, Ben, you do what you, uh...

You and your friends
watch movies and enjoy.

Well, thanks.

You know, I just
feel bad, because...

You seem to...

I think that you spend
a lot of time here with me,

mm-hm.

And that you should maybe go
meet some people your age,

go out and have fun.

Okay, let me see.

Does this mean that we're
not going dancing tomorrow?

You know what frightens me now,
actually, doc?

Is I'm forgetting things.

Forgetting things
that aren't normal.

Forgot my own phone number.

I forgot... I was trying
to tell this guy my number,

and all I could remember was
the first three numbers,

and then you try to give
your brain a running start.

You know, like, "hold on
a second... 457... augh!"

Yeah.

I could see the four,
the five, and the seven,

and then the rest of the numbers
were, like, taunting me,

and ring around the rosy,

and other
numbers went flashing by.

My old high school gym locker.

And then I had
this memory lapse...

This one really scared me.

You're in your shower,
and you're daydreaming.

I'm daydreaming,

and then I can't
remember if I shampooed my hair.

I had to backtrack in
my own shower.

"What did I do?"

Let's see, all right,
I got in the shower,

I sang 'piano man'...
I always sing 'piano man'.

"And then what?"

You know what I do now, doc,

is I actually bring
a checklist into my shower.

I just check it off
as I go along.

All right, I did that,
all right, I'll do that next.

All right, I'll... oh, not gonna
have time for that.

I don't think I have
enough soap.

I think you know what
I'm talking about, don't you?

Every man... every man knows
what happens in a shower.

Oh.

Not ashamed of it.

We were given the gift,
and we use it.

And I know why
we do that more than women.

It's obvious...

I think god gave man the ability
to create these fantasies.

It's not our fault.

It's entrapment from god.

I know women can
fantasize, but, oh,

they have no idea what
men are capable of.

We have a cast
of thousands in there.

There's too many.

There's people in there you
don't even want half the time.

Mom!

Security!

My mother got in,
who let my mother in?

Who let my fat mother here?

Oh, that'll... that sends me
right to therapy,

when my mother makes a cameo.

Ray, you let her in.

It's your fantasy.

It's my mother's fault.

She's, um...

Whoops, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.

Augh.

I... 10.

G...



G... 13.

N... 5.

N...