01x06 - Family Car

[bunniefuu]

Hey, dad, two more box tops,
and this baby's mine.

That's exciting, Ben.

I'm proud of you.

You think you need another one
of those little figurines?

What is that, exactly?

Well, it's part of a collection,

and, y'know, I collect them,

so, yes, I guess I do need
another figurine.

And what happens when
the collection's done?

Will you stop eating breakfast?

Well, no, I go on to a
different set of figurines.

I don't know.

It just seems like a little
piece of crap to me...

You'll pardon the expression.

What does this word say, dad?

Gen... it says
"genuine article."

Genuine.

Genuine article.
Yes.

I rest my case, okay?

It's not a piece of crap.

So this is not an
imitation piece of crap.

This is the real...

That's genuine.

Why do you
say genu-wine?

Why do you say that,
genu-wine?

It's genuine.

Ben, I'm working on
my first cup of coffee,

and I'm really not up for.

The cross examination thing yet.

You know...

You know what, dad?

I got a question for you.

Okay.

Would it be all right if
I borrowed the car today?

You know I love you.

Yeah.

And you know that there's only
one thing in the world

I love more than you,

and the thing that you're
interested in borrowing...

The car.

Of course I'm gonna
lend you the car,

but I just need... I need some
kind of reassurance from you.

That you'll act responsibly,

so just say
something to let me know.

Dad, it's me,
it's Benny-boy!

I know, I know.

I need some kind of...

Are you bonded?

One of the things people
use a car for, Ben, is...

Very often they'll use it
to go from their home.

To their job.

Right, like you do.

I do that, right.

Yeah, you know, people take
the bus, too, to work.

Which people, Ben?

The poor people, dad.

No, I love the poor.

You are the poor.

I am.

Well, the...

Well, my parole officer
thought it.

Would be a good idea.

You know, they encourage
any kind of program.

Where you can talk instead of
picking up a pack of matches.

Where did you grow up?

Um, I grew up in a little town
called Gladys, Virginia.

A little tobacco
farming community.

And let me tell you, if you
have one year left to live,

move there, 'cause every day
goes like a freakin' eternity.

Small town?

Small town.

So there's not
a lot going on there?

Mm-mm.

Anyway, I was just
home recently,

and I saw my
family at Christmas,

and my family is so ugly.

And when I think of all
the products available to us,

I wanna tell them,
"don't give up.

Just mix and match some..."

I think the whole world would
be a better place to live.

If everyone just knew about

clinique 30-minute
turnaround cream.

The products are out there.

That's all I'm trying to say.

Clinique 30, is that what...

And it's $19.95,
for goodness' sake,

and if you don't have hair,
you should go buy some.

It's at the store.

Are you the youngest?

No, I'm one of the middle ones.

Who else is there?

You have brothers and sisters?

Yes, I have a sister.

My sister's big boned.

Nothing wrong with that.

Shut up, she can't help it!

Oh.

I have a mother.

Let's talk about her.

She throws a little
Christmas party.

And each year, me and my
two brothers and my sister,

we have to visit her, 'cause
we're scared of her.

On a one-on-one basis,

so last year
at the Christmas party,

my mother put a microwave
in the bathroom,

and no one could figure it out,

and, you know, my mother's
on medication,

so she's always happy,

so I'm like, "mom,
what's the deal with."

The microwave in
the bathroom?"

And she's like,
"what's the deal with what?"

"What's the deal, you know,

"with the microwave in
the bathroom?

I don't get it."

And she's like, "we got a
bigger one for the kitchen."

So that didn't work out?

No, she was originally
from Ireland.

You know, she was an
illegal alien over here.

She wasn't registered
or anything.

Irish woman.

And I don't know what happened,

but she broke up with me, so I
reported her to immigration.

I was like,
"I'm sorry, sweetheart,

"if we can't be together,

you have to get the hell
out of my country."

Dr. katz...

Dr. katz, you're not
listening.

I am listening to you.

Don't you think you should
face me when we have sessions?

I can face you, Anthony.

Can you?

Stop tapping your shoe.

Sorry, that's just a habit.

What are you writing?

It's a poem.

♪ my baby yeah

♪ that girl's got studio ♪

♪ she likes the funky stuff ♪

♪ she...

Whoa, got, got me!

Whoo, take it!

Hello... hello?

Hello, hello?

Ben?
Hello?

Ben, can you hear me?

Where are you?

I'm in the car, dad.

That's where you called, right?

It sounds like...

I don't know...

I'm not exactly
sure how to work this.

Do I take it off the receiver?

Just hold it up to your ear
like a regular phone.

Dad?
Yeah.

Oh, you're there.

But it's not
coming off the thing.

Just yank it off.

I gotta also watch the road.

I'll watch the road.

You yank off the phone.

Okay, well, hold on.

Wait, I'm gonna
put you on hold, dad.

Okay.

There's no hold button, Ben.

What?

There's not a hold...
Can you hear me?

Yes, I got it.

You're breaking up
on my end here.

I just took a turn.

Oh, man, I'm going
the wrong way now.

Okay, I'll call you back.

All right, call right back.

Ben?

Yeah, dad, same problem.

Oh, just... the trick is,
when you drive...

Ben?

Okay, I'm fine.

I'm on a straightaway.

Okay, look... driving...

Maybe I should pull over, huh?

Yeah, maybe you wanna pull off
onto the shoulder while we talk,

because it's a skill,

driving and talking
at the same time.

Dad, did you just call
to tell me how to drive?

No, I just wanted to make sure
that you were okay.

You know, dad,
actually, the car is...

It seems to be running
a little rough.

Have you...

I haven't had
that experience, Ben.

Because I find that when you
push down on the pedal...

Yeah?

The gas... it's very
difficult to...

What's difficult?

You have to push very hard...

Well, then you're probably
doing something wrong.

Which foot do you brake with?

Uh, the left.

No, Ben, you brake
with the right foot.

No, you brake with the left,

and then you push
the gas with the right.

No, see, that's why you're
running into trouble.

You're braking
and gasing at the same time.

You shift with your
left hand, though.

You don't have to
shift in that car.

It's an a*t*matic.

Oh, god.

Have you been shifting, Ben?

Have you been shifting?

I've been
pressing the horn a lot.

And going "woo!"
To the ladies.

Pronto.

Qui parla?

Giovanni, come stai?

Bene.

Veramente.

Laura.

Shh!

I just need the...

Oh, Giovanni.

I just...

Laura, just... I just
need the folder...

Please!

Sorry.

No, no.

Should I...

I'm on the phone to Italy.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Was there something you
wanted me to do for you?

Yeah, I got it myself, Laura.

Thanks.

Oh, okay.

Is there anything else you need?

I'll tell you
what would be great,

is if you could get me a cup
of coffee with milk, and...

Oh, Dr. katz, you k*ll me.

Seriously, I would
appreciate that.

A cup of... very rarely
do I ask you to do that,

and if you could just do
that for me today,

it would mean so much to me.

God, who says you're
a big square nerd.

With no sense of humor?

I... who says that?

I do.

Hi, Laura.

Hi.

Do you... this is, like,
weird for me to ask this,

but does he mention...

Does he talk about me at all?

Why?

I come to the sessions, and I
dress kind of casually.

I don't wear,
like, a dress shirt.

Or a blazer or anything.

And do...

Mr. kindler, could you
please sit down.

Until I call your name?

Oh, all right.

Uh, Mr. Andy kindler?

Yes?

Very good.

Just testing.

But here...
This sums up my family.

My family just lives
in complete fear.

I showed my mom one
of those 3-d art books.

I said, "see if you can see
the 3-d picture."

My mom looks at
it for a couple of seconds,

and she goes, "do you think
this is good for your eyes?"

I guess what I'm saying
is there aren't a lot of.

Mountain climbers in my family.

What else are you afraid of?

I'm very scared of
being arrested.

And if I ever arrested,

I hope they don't play
good cop, bad cop with me.

I don't want them to play
good cop, bad cop.

I'm hoping they play
good cop, really good cop.

So the first cop says, "would
you like some coffee?"

And the second cop says,

"how about a nice
pastry with that?"

Andy, show business was
a choice that you made.

I'm sure it's not always easy.

I went on an audition,
and the guy says...

I start... he says, "slate."

Y'know, say your name, y'know.

And I start to
talk and fool around.

He goes, "look, don't
be schticky."

What is...

You know what that means to me?

"We hate the Jews."

"I hate you,
and you're a Jew."

That's how I took that.

Well, that's...

"Don't be schticky, Jew."

Hi.

Hi.

How's it going?

I'm here to drop off
my dad's car.

Okay, good.

Yeah, is he with a patient?

Yes, he is.

You know, I guess I'll
leave the car keys...

With me.

With you.
Mm-hmm.

So actually, I'm, you know,

I'm here a little late,
so he might be a little mad,

but I parked the car
right out front.

Right out front?

Yeah, right in the front,
right there.

Oh, right, okay.

Yeah, that's a great place,
'cause there's that big sign.

That says "absolutely no
parking any time."

I think that'll be fine, right?

Mm-hmm.

Do people usually park there?

Oh, yeah.

You know, those signs are
mostly just suggestions.

I don't think
they're, you know...

Yeah, it's just that it
kind of deters the people.

Who are easily scared,

and leaves a space
open for the bold.

You know it.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Good for you.
Thanks.

You got guts, kid.

Right on, sister.

Give me the keys.
Woo!

I'm sure that
your style of comedy.

Doesn't appeal to everybody.

Actually, I did...
We did some focus groups,

and we found out that
my target audience.

Is men my age who are me.

That seems to be
the group of people.

That are most into
what I'm doing.

You know, I've finished
every magazine here.

I'm gonna get going.

Unless you wanna
talk or something.

No.

Hey, hey, hey, come here.

You wanna see something cool?

Yeah, sure.

Look!

It's my dad's car.

Yeah.

It's being towed!

Yeah.

But you said
it was okay to pa...

That's... okay.

Sir!

Excuse me!

No towing!
Ben?

Don't tow!

Ben.
Don't tow, sir.

Ben, shut up.

No tow-tow.

You shut up, you shut up.

This is serious!

Fine, I was just
gonna offer to help.

Tow bad and Benny unhappy.

Doctor, um, it comforts me
to call you doctor.

I find it a little
comforting myself, actually.

You know, I was watching
the three stooges,

and I finally figured out.

Why women don't like
the three stooges:

They're not funny.

That's why women
don't like them.

And I had to get
her up to the doctor.

And I just didn't...
I just didn't care.

But now I have to take
her home and take her.

To get her medicine!

How am I gonna get Nana's
medicine without my car?

Thank you.

My mom is very
supportive, though.

I'll go out for a part,
you know,

and I'll call
my mom, and I'll say,

"I didn't get the part."

And she goes, "well, Andy,
it's their loss."

"Oh, really, mom?

Well, they seem to be
taking it quite well."

You have to remember,
she's your mom.

You know, she's just totally
devoted to you, it seems like.

You can't do any wrong
in her book.

But she still
wants me to be a surgeon.

You know, she says, "why can't
you be a surgeon?"

Of course, I'm
obsessive-compulsive,

so I'd be saying things like,
"I'm still washing.

I'll come soon."

You know, let me give you
another example, doctor.

I leave the house...

Right?

...i gotta go back
to the house now.

Why?

Because maybe I left a piece
of paper on a counter,

and maybe I left
the window open a little bit,

and then the wind blew
the piece of paper.

Directly into
the pilot light on the stove.

Now I have a fire on my hands,

'cause I wasn't careful.

You know what
I would recommend, Andy,

for this particular problem?

Is a paperweight.

Um, this is totally...
I know that you've...

I don't even know
what made me ask this,

but when I leave,
a lot of times...

Like, I'll say, "goodbye,".

And Dr. katz
will say goodbye,

but he says it in
kind of a weird way,

and, like, I don't know
if I'm supposed to do this,

but am I supposed to tip?

Mm-hmm.

A guy came in last week, Julie,

he says, "my problem is,
Dr. katz",

"I think I'm a pup tent.

"I mean, I'm a tepee.

I'm a pup tent,
I'm a tepee."

I said, "you know
what your problem is?"

You're two tents."

Do you not get that joke?

I don't get that joke.

Let me try it again.

A guy comes in last week.

He says, "Dr. katz, my problem
is I think I'm a pup tent."

"I mean, I'm a tepee."

"I'm a pup tent, I'm a tepee,
I'm a pup tent."

I said, "you know
what your problem is?"

You're two tents."

You're two tents.

What is that, like, a
therapist joke or something?

It's going around.

Uh, knock-knock.

Who's there?

The interrupting cow.

The interrupting...

Moo.

That could be the one.

That's the one.

I like that one.

Hey, if it's not
out of your way,

could you just drop me off
on the way home?

Where's your car?

It's in the shop.

Oh, maintenance?

Mmm... well...

You didn't have
an accident, did you?

No, I had a son.

You had a son?

Yeah.

Ben borrowed the car today.

What'd he do?

Well, apparently it's
what he didn't do.

He didn't release
the emergency brake.

Ooh, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ow.

Yeah, he drove the car
for about three hours.

With the emergency brake on.

You know what that can do?

That can strip the kishkes.

And he claims...
The kishkes?

Yeah, the universal kishkes.

It can strip them,
and you have to.

Replace the whole thing.

You know, my problem
is if he would just.

Own up to what he did...

But he's claiming that everyone.

Has their own
definition of emergency.

Hm.

So, Ben, what's
the first thing you do.

When you get in the car?

Dad, let's not go over
this again, okay?

Just tell me the first thing.

Emergency brake.

Okay.

Just wanted to hear you say it.

Okay, I will not
bring it up again.

How many times am
I gonna apologize?

You know I made a
mistake, and...

Benny, are you gonna take
a shower before you go out?

Because you are ripe, my friend.

What do you mean, ripe?

Well, you stink.

What did you...

I don't stink,
that's a natural...

Can you just cr*ck
the window a little bit?

Because grace is coming over.

I think... you know,
it's not fair to her.

What?

That she has to
clean a house and...

Well, grace doesn't
smell great either.

You're a healthy


Grace is a 73-year-old
woman who...

You know, dad, in Europe it's
considered obsessive to bathe.

To bathe.

What I'm really
leading up to, Ben,

is do you ever think
that maybe someday.

You might wanna
have your own car?

Well, no.

I mean, there's no reason.

Why is that?

Well, I have your car.

I can use your car.

Why would I...

Well, I just thought
it's something you.

Might wanna think about,

because a lot of
the car manufacturers.

Are now offering automobiles.

In exchange for money
that people have earned.

You know, there's
a concept, dad...

People like your father,
people like your cousin Paul.

Yeah, I'm familiar
with those people.

People who get up in
the morning, go to a job,

you know, work all week,
get a paycheck...

But dad, you know,
there's a little thing.

Called sharing, all right?

Yes.

Familiar with it?

Are you saying I'm not a sharer?

Well, I'm saying, like,

we have a car, you don't use it
all the time... we share.

Wait, wait, who has a car?

Who has a car, Ben?

We have a car, the family.

The family car.

Ben, Ben...

The American dream!

God, do I stink.

Well, it sounds
like a good job, Tony.

Why is that bad news?

Well, it just
involves so much travel,

and I don't like the bumping.

When you go through the clouds
on the airplane.

The bumping.

Because on the last flight,

we were hitting all these bumps,

and the stewardess
comes over, and it was like,

"Mr. Clark, you have to
wake up.

"Sit up and put
on your seat belt.

We're experiencing
turbulence."

And I was like, "well,
thank god you woke me up",

'cause I'd have slept right
through that."

So what kind of scam
are you talking about?

Well, while we were in Italy,

this woman walked up
to my friend,

and threw my friend a baby.

And when my friend caught
the woman's baby,

her other kids ran up.

And took what was
in my friend's pockets.

So let that be a tip
for you, you know.

If you're ever in Italy
and someone throws you a baby,

SWAT it to the ground.

SWAT it to the ground
and scream,

"I don't think so!"

Hey, good for you, Tony.

I'm just trying to take
a bite out of crime.

That's right, that's right.

What do you mean you're losing
respect for stand-up comedy?

They... I hate when
a comic has a joke,

and the premise is incorrect.

Like, I work with this comic,

and he opens up his act with,

"I went to the store, and I
saw sugar-free chocolate.

Who's this for?"

It's for diabetics,
that's who it's for!

"I walk in a hospital,
I see Insulin.

What's that
all about?"

Who's that for?"

I see what you're saying.

All right, then.

What did you do before you got
into show business, Andy?

Before I got into comedy,

I had a lot of
horrible day jobs.

I actually sold door to door
for two years,

and I learned a
very valuable lesson,

that people don't like to
be disturbed at home.

My mom only somewhat gets
what I'm talking about.

She gets half
the story, and then she...

It's like... and then the worst
thing was in college,

she'd always try
and involve me in.

Whatever discussion
was happening.

Or whatever
situation was going on.

Like, we'd be at Thanksgiving,

and she'd go,
"are you listening, Andy?

"Your cousin Michael's
going to college.

"You majored in
English literature.

"Do you think that would
be a nice subject.

For your cousin Michael?"

I get the idea.

So she would make you...

"Aa... Andy."

So her...

"You played the violin
in college."

Right, so she...

"Your cousin Michael
is looking to play.

Some kind of an instrument
when he gets to college."

Okay, Andy...

"Would you recommend the violin.

To your cousin Michael?"

Mrs. kindler, can you
turn the floor back over.

To your son, please?

"Or would you suggest that
he plays some kind.

Of a wind instrument?"

Okay, so you wouldn't...

"Andy, you were a bartender.

♪
why don't you fix your uncle
Sandy a scotch and soda?"

Oops, you know what that means.

Our time is up.

This has been a presentation
from comedy central.

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