02x09 - Glasses

[bunniefuu]

Dad?

Why are you wearing
sunglasses in the house?

Well, they're prescription, Ben.

They're helping me to read,
actually.

Besides, my regular
ones aren't ready yet.

But I like the way these look.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, I think
they look... cool?

No, no.

I was just throwing it out.

Well, I think I look a little
menacing in them.

I think you should
take 'em off, you know?

And skip the reading
this morning.

Wait 'til you get
your reading glasses back.

Well, this...

I mean, it's kind of
embarrassing, you know?

Who is embarrassed here?

Well, you know, we both are.

Ben, have you seen my phone?

My cellular phone?

I gotta get out of here,
I'm running a little late.

I have seen it, yeah,
I've seen it.

Okay, can you tell me
where it is?

Ben, I'm running late, please.

It's around here, dad.

Well, do you see it right now?

I'm looking at it.

Well, could you please
tell me where it is?

I just looked at it.

Do you see?

Ben, this is not funny.

There I go again...
Saw it.

Am I getting closer?

Well, now, no, now I'm
looking somewhere else.

Now I'm looking at it.

I'm not enjoying
this even one bit.

Now I'm looking at it.

I'm staring at it.

I'm glaring at it.

Hand me my phone, please,
I can't see.

I'm leering at it!

Ben, what are you drinking?

Some cocoa.

It looks awfully thick, Ben.

Are you double-bagging it?

I put in three packets.

Damn, Ben.

It tastes better sweet.

I know, but you
get all cranked up.

And you don't know what
to do with yourself.

And you end up
playing these dopey games.

Now, just give me the phone
and goodbye.

You want some cocoa?

No, I don't want cocoa.

I want my cellular phone
and I want it now.

Hey, am I...
Am I the only one

that owns a rotary
cellular phone?

Have I been
ripped off one more time?

See, I found it when you
weren't looking at it.

Why didn't you tell me
I was right next to the thing?

That's not it, dad.

What is... oh, sorry.

Well, it's digital,
that's what threw me.

Yeah?

Hello... Laura?

Yeah?

Laura, how do you
answer the phone?

I knew it was you!

Come on.

Is there a reason you called?

Actually, I'm calling because
I'm running a little late.

I had to stop and
pick up my my glasses.

Okay.

So, uh, I picked them up.

They're in my possession now.

I have the glasses right on me.

So I should be
showing up any second now.

Fine.

And when I get there,
I will, uh...

You'll know it's me.

I'll be the guy
with the glasses.

Okay, all righty.

You know, this will
be the first time

that you will have
seen me in that condition.

With glasses.

Right.

Okay, just wanted to
brief you, you know.

Wanted to give
you a little notice.

You all right?

I'm fine.

I'll be in in
a couple of minutes.

But please answer the phone
correctly, would you?

Whatever.

Dr. Katz's office.

Okay, now you have
to work on the ending.

So the trip was okay?

It was okay, but, you know,
I can't sleep on airplanes.

Because nobody will
cuddle with me.

People don't
understand that I don't want.

Anything other than cuddling.

I can't sleep without...

Just a little affection.

Yeah, there's one guy.

I said, "Do you wanna cuddle
during the movie?"

Nothing... and that hurts, doc.

I'm gonna admit that hurts.

How come guys never tell
each other they're beautiful?

I mean, you know, women will go,

"Oh, Nancy, you look beautiful
in that dress!"

You know, two straight guys...

"Hey, Frankie, step
into the light."

"Marone, you look
hot tonight, Frankie boy."

Doesn't happen,
it never happens.

You never see two straight guys
dancing with each other.

You know what I'm saying, doc?

You never see, like, two guys...

"Hey, Al... excuse me.

Big Al, would you
care to boogie?

Why don't you come over here.

And wrap those construction
worker meat hooks.

Around my big, hairy,
mole-filled, musclebound back.

And spin me, Al...
Spin me like a top.

Spin me like the
little girl you know I am!"

You know what I mean, doc?
You never hear that.

Is something...

"Dip me like a doughnut," right?

'Cause men are not comfortable
displaying their affection...

I'm comfortable!

But you're not like most men,
I think, in that respect.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying you're different
than most men.

In what way?

Excuse me, doc.

Am I allowed to drink in here?

Probably not such a great idea,

but, you know,
there are no hard rules.

Nothing like coming to therapy
and having a cold brewski.

You know what I mean, doc?

You know, whatever it takes
to loosen you up, I guess.

Oh, boy, I could
never sit through this.

Without a couple of beers,
you know?

Oh, what's the point?

Can I ask you something, doc?

Yeah.

How long before I'm better?

I can't put a figure on it.

I think you could try to
put a figure on it, doc.

I mean, I'm spending
a lot of money here.

I'd like to know
how much it's gonna cost me.

To feel a little better
about myself, you know?

Well, is it money
that's the issue?

Because if that's...

Well, yeah, it's money, and
the issue is my mental health.

I mean, I'm just not
feeling that well.

My hands sweat all the time.

My neck is loose, I don't know.

I mean, I can't
seem to function.

Well, shouldn't
your neck be loose?

Oh, okay, yeah.

Can I have one of those candies?

Hey, Laura...

Can you come in here
for a second?

I just need your help for one
second in here, if you could.

Uh, not now, now's not good.

Well, I really need you now.

Now is not good.

Well, this is
the time I need you.

Now is really not good.

Okay, then let's do it later.

I'm gonna have to shut you off.

Okay, don't do that, though.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye!

Laura, what I was hoping
you could do is...

I've made a little eye chart for
myself, to give myself an exam,

because I'm not actually
sure I need these glasses,

so I'm just wondering...
If you could take this chart.

And stand on the other
side of the room.

And just hold it,
facing me, and test me on this.

Can you do that?

I'll do it, but it makes
me feel kind of dirty.

Okay, so we'll start at the top?

Yeah.

E-v-e-r.

Okay, could you do it a little
more clinically, Laura?

Just tell me to cover
an eye, point to a letter?

You've gotta be joking.

Well, I want this
to be a legitimate test.

All right, come on.

Let's just do this
and get it over with.

Could you read
the first line, please?

Okay, should I cover
one eye, or...

I don't know, should you?

I think I should.

E-v...

Is that right?

I don't know.

Come on, Laura,
you're not helping.

Dr. Katz, you wrote it.

You tell me if it's right.

Well, then check my grammar.

Something!

Could you read
the second line, please?

B-o-y.

Do you know why
I have glasses, Laura?

Why?

Because I had my eyes
tested at a place.

Whose only source of
income is selling you glasses.

Okay, well, I guess
you're all set then.

I guess I am, Laura.

You and your dad...
Did you do the classic...

The traditional father-and-son
stuff, you and your father?

Oh yeah, we
used to play baseball.

I was the catcher,
which I liked.

Until one day I saw
a game on TV, and I thought,

"Wait a second... how come
that catcher.

Doesn't have his
hands tied to his ankles?"

Do you spend the holidays
with your family?

There was always
some aunt, you know,

with a moustache and
a wart on her head,

and she gives you
a big sloppy kiss, you know.

You know, but...

When you try to
go further with her...

You know.

And I think that... do you
miss that warmth?

That sense of
security from those days?

Well, my mom...
She's quite nosy.

You know, the other day
I caught her.

Going through my socks
and underwear, and it tickled.

You mean, you were wearing...

Yeah, she doesn't
like to ask me.

She needs change,
she'll dig for it.

Yeah.

We have a close family.

I just bought
my grandmother a present.

You know what it is, doc?

No, what did you get her?

It's an authentic
Chicago Bears football helmet.

So she's a real Bears fanatic?

Uh, well...

The main thing is I don't
want her to be going on

about how I installed
her ceiling fan too low.

Right.

Put a stop to that claptrap.

We have time, tell me about it.

One afternoon, when I'm
walking home from school,

and I'm watching some man
building a new house,

and the guy
hammering on the roof.

Calls me a paranoid
little weirdo.

In morse code.

Huh.

Your turn.

Hey, Emo, I would like to...

And I know you have an
aversion to this...

But I'd like to try just
a simple word-association game,

because I know you...

Let's try it.

Okay.

So I'll just say a word,

and you say whatever
pops into your head.

Woodwork.

I think it would.

Uh...

Oh, you're doing it...
This is fun.

Uh, music.

Umm...

There's no right or wrong.

Just whatever pops
into your head.

You can't win anything.

Okay, music, umm, Peter.

Shutter.

Umm, house.

Memory.

How is memory related
to house, doctor?

Okay, you got me on that one.

Okay, let me
try a different one.

Uh, fisherman.

Seafood.

Very good, window.

Washer.

Very good!

I think I'm getting much better.

Yeah, you're great!

Yeah.

You know, unlike a lot
of the people I see,

you have a real talent
for looking inside, you know.

For exploring what goes
on inside the mind.

You know, doctor, I
used to think the human brain.

Was the most fascinating
part of the body.

Then I realized... well,
look what's telling me that.

Do you want some pretzels?

You want some peanuts?

Goldfish?

What?

Goldfish?

Don't push me.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you think that
you could find yourself

attracted to a guy with glasses?

Oh, yeah.

A bald guy with glasses?

Mmm, yeah.

Actually, you know,
if it's the right guy,

it could be very attractive.

Toothless?

Am I pushing it?

Yes... why are you
asking me that?

Well, turn around for
a second, would you?

Okay, now turn back.

I'm sorry... wow.

Well, thank you
for your support, Joy.

Anybody you want me
to scare for you?

So I don't understand
with this glasses thing, Katz.

First of all, I think
you're assuming a lot.

By assuming this
is a case of A.I.E.D.

What is A.I.D.E.?

It's the age-induced
eye deterioration.

I mean, it could be
some other systemic pathology.

Like what?

What do you mean like what?

I'm just checking
the spelling on the A.I.D.E.

No, A.I.E.D.

Age-induced eye
deterioration.

I mean, it's a common thing,
but you're assuming you have it.

I don't know if you
should do that.

I'm right on target.

Right at the age
where the eyes start to go.

Are your pupils distended?

Well, supposing they were...

Is that the funniest
thing in the world?

Don't you hate when people
ask you questions.

You don't wanna answer?

A friend of mine says to me,

"Hey, Dom, do
I look fat to you?"

I say, "No, not to me,
but to everybody else.

To me you're
just big-boned."

I love that big-boned cop.

"I'm not really fat,
I'm very big-boned."

Oh, isn't it
amazing how you have.

Those big fat bones
in your butt?

"That's a pretty
big bone you got.

Hanging over your
belt there, Benny.

You know what you need?

A marrow reduction!

That's what you need,
you big tub of lard."

I don't mean that in a bad way.

Don't you hate when people
ask you questions.

When you love them, doc?

People that you love...
You don't wanna hurt them.

My cousin Louie says to me,

"Hey, Dom, is my head
too big for my body?"

Now, what am I gonna say?

"Hey, look at the bright
side, Louie...

A lot of people you can't
even recognize from 800 yards.

But you...
It's like a closeup.

Every feature, crystal clear.

Here, let me swing
from your jowls.

Nerve endings don't
go that far, do they?"

Let me show you another
option you have.

With a question like that.

You be... is it
cousin Louie?

Yeah.

And I'll be you,
you ask me that question,

and I'll show you another
way you can approach it.

Okay, all right,
Dr. Katz?

No, no, no, I'm Dom now.

Oh, okay.

Dom, you're looking
very handsome today, Dom.

Thank you, cousin Louie.

Uh, does my head look
too big for my body?

No.

See, that's another
route you can go.

And then?

Yeah, but then
you're holding it in.

It backs up on you.

But you don't have to be candid
with everybody all the time.

That's my cousin Johnny.

He's always saying the wrong
things at the wrong time.

He's the kind of guy that
goes, "Are your teeth real?"

"What stinks in here?

Something die
in this room?"

I say, "Hey, John,
we're having dinner."

Then he won't let it go.

He goes, "Oh, I don't
mean that in a bad way."

"It's like a good stink.

It's like a good, musky, kinda
wanna-get-to-know-you stink."

"Let it go, John."

"No, you know how some stinks
are really funky and vile.

And make you gag?

Well, other stinks
aren't as bad.

Like earwax.

Earwax is not that bad
a stink as stinks go, per se."

Then he says "per se", doc.

Like he thinks he's smart
'cause he says two Latin words.

You know what I mean?

And then I'm the
dumb one in the family!

You know what really bothers
me about the whole thing?

Nobody will listen to me.

Yeah?

I mean, they say that I have
attention deficit disorder.

Are you listening to me?

Hold that thought.

Hey, dad, if you can't see,
put the glasses on, all right?

There's no reason to
walk around blind.

I can see.

Let me help you.

Didn't this chair used to be

over on the
other side of the room,

or am I losing my mind
as well as...

Let me help you sit down, okay?

I don't need any
help, thank you, Ben.

And I have something
to tell you.

I've decided not to wear
glasses, and I'll tell you why:

I don't need them, I don't like
the way I look in them,

I do just fine without them.

So what I would like to do is.

Just drop the
whole subject of glasses,

and why don't we sit down and
have something cold to drink?

Okay, help yourself to a chair.

Okay, where are they?

What's that?

Where are they?

They're right there.

Okay, would you mind putting
the lights on?

They are on.

Well, that light, the overhead
light is not working properly.

Ben!

If this is your idea of a joke,
I think it's really not funny,

because I'm not
finding a lot of comedy here.

In the growing-old
department.

I just moved the chairs into
the other room because...

Because what?

As a joke.

Oh, I get it, I get it.

The old man's blind, so let's...

Well, no, not really, dad.

Let's see if we can find his way
around in his new surroundings.

Well, it was also that
I had nothing to do today,

so I moved stuff around.

Oh, and I also put 20-watt
light bulbs in the sockets.

Why is that, Ben?

'Cause it's a joke...
You can't take a joke?

That's all I did today,
I made up a joke.

You spent... your whole
day was designed...

I'm gonna move the furniture
back when the joke's over.

It's not over!

How will I know when it's over?

When you sit on the floor.

Ben, what is so
funny about growing old?

Memory loss?

What else?

I don't know, the way they walk.

Are you through?

I wanna tell you why
this isn't funny.

Your timing, the delivery...

And there's nothing
funny about growing old.

You tell a lot of jokes
about older people.

What about like aunt beedee,

when you made fun of
her peeing in the diapers?

Well, that was different.

She would wear the diapers
over her clothes.

And that's...
That's funny.

That is.

No, I don't, I don't think
the old are funny, I don't.

I just think you have
to have a sense of humor.

About getting old,
and you don't.

I mean, I think you're too
worried about getting old,

and I think you're doing fine.

I think you should wear the
glasses and the diapers.

I can still control
my bladder and my bowels.

Thank god.

One or the other.

Well, one out of two ain't bad.

That's right.

You can control one.

Who's counting?

Doctor, I had
the weirdest experience.

I'm walking here and
I say to myself,

"My gosh, that's Jimmy Peterson.

I haven't seen him
since I was nine."

And I walked up to him,
and I slapped him on the back.

I said, "How's it going,
you old rascal?"

And he starts crying, you know.

And I'm thinking,
"Wait a second...

If that's Jimmy Peterson,
he would have grown up, too."

Sure.

Yeah, well, now it's obvious.

In the cool, reflective
atmosphere of this office.

Whoops... you know
what the music means.

Yeah, the Peanuts
special is on now.

So, Ben...