02x12 - Drinky the Drunk Guy

[bunniefuu]

A guy goes to Europe
on a business trip,

and he finishes up early,

so he sends
his wife a fax saying,

"Honey, I'm coming home
tomorrow."

He's coming home a week early.

He gets home, and walks
in the house,

and he catches
his wife in the act.

Yeah.

Doesn't even say anything,
he's devastated.

He slinks out of the house.

Goes to a shrink, tells the
shrink what happened.

The shrink listens
very sympathetically.

And says, "Maybe she didn't
get the fax."

Yeah, that's a really good one.

It's not a great joke.

It's not?

It's really about the
limitations of technology.

Hey, guys, how about a toast?

Okay.

You with me?

What are we toasting?

What's today?

Today's, uh, Thursday.

To weekdays.

To weekdays in general?

That's a little thin, Katz.

Well, think about it:
Without weekdays,

the weekend would
just be the end of the week.

So to weekdays everywhere.

It's the thinking
man's weekend, the weekday.

Definitely.

If you put it that way.

You smell good.

I do?

No, it's me.

Yeah, they're identical.

I'm glad they're identical,

'cause you save money
on photographs.

That's what I like.

"There's my little boy, and I've
got another one just like him.

All right?

So I don't have
another picture.

I have two of these.

You can't tell 'em apart.

No one can tell
'em apart."

That's the annoying thing.

You know, my mother will
come over to baby-sit for us,

and it frightens her that
they look alike.

She's neurotic, my mother.

She's afraid.

My mother's actually afraid.

She's gonna keep feeding the
same on over and over again.

She's psycho.

We can't leave them with her.

We're afraid, we're
afraid to go on vacation,

'cause there'll be a big fat
baby when we come home.

"Oh, nice job, ma.

Beautiful, nice going.

Look at that... I'm gonna need
two pictures now.

Are you happy?

Come on, look at my children.

They're Siskel and Ebert!"

You mean they both
used to be Siskel?

She'll put...
You know what it is?

'Cause my wife dresses
them alike still.

My mother will put, like,
nail polish on one of 'em...

Really?

...anything to
distinguish them.

One day we came home and she
told us she had no problem.

Because one of 'em had
a little scratch on his nose.

She's happy for the scratch.

It helped her,

which was fine with me,
and then it frightened me,

because I didn't remember
the scratch being there.

When we left the house.

Oh dear.

That's right.

That's a horrible thought, but I
wouldn't put it past my mother.

She panics.

She's, "Oh, have a good time."

"Okay, I'm all right,
oh, hi, boys."

"You're Matthew, that's Matthew.

Matthew has a scratch and
he's a crybaby."

Mr. Romano,
your account is past due.

Oh, yeah, all right.

What is it, what's the number?

Well, you haven't paid for
the last three appointments,

so that comes to $450.

All right, I got this one.

No worries.

How about a round?

A round of mental health for
everyone in here, all right?

I'm buying.

Don't even think twice,
put your money down.

Your money's no good here!

There you go, all right?

You are one crazy guy.

Okay, Ben, say when.

That's plenty, dad, thanks.

Dad, the rice... you have
really outdone yourself.

The rice is great.

Well, thanks, Ben.

That really means a lot to me.

Dad, the rice is perfect.

I mean, it's moist,
it's perfectly cooked.

You timed it right.

So tender, but it's not mushy.

It yields to the bite.

But not without a little
struggle, you know?

You gotta still open
your mouth and chew it.

It's not that it just
goes right in.

Well, it's not
gonna just bite itself, Ben.

I know what you're saying.

But thanks for
the compliment, Ben.

That means so much to me,

when you just take
the time to notice.

And I'm not a great cook,
you know that.

But I'll let
you in on a little trick:

You're not cooking a bunch
of individual grains.

You're cooking the rice.

It really works,
if you think of it.

"I'm gonna cook the rice."

Your maternal grandmother
told me that before she d*ed.

You know, it's funny.

I don't even remember grandma.

Did I ever meet her?

Well, she used to baby-sit
for you until she d*ed.

And then
we said, "Enough!"

We cut her off cold.

You know, you should maybe call
it quits with the wine, huh?

You know, just a thought.

You're getting a little silly.

No, I just...

It's nice at the end of the day.

I've had a rough day, and to let
your hair down a little bit.

I figure I
should let my hair down.

Because it let me down.

Yeah, that's rich.

Yeah, you're doing
all right, dad.

How about a glass
of water or a cup of coffee.

And then you can call
it quits for the day.

And start
drinking early tomorrow?

You know, why don't
you just put a...

You know, I've noticed lately.

That you've been drinking
more than usual.

I'm wondering
if that's a problem.

I think the problem is you've
been noticing it more.

I'm drinking the same, and
you're looking for some flaw.

You're all bloated, dad.

I feel a little puffy!

When you're done, do you wanna
watch TV or something?

What's that?

What are you gonna
do after dinner?

I was thinking
I was gonna watch TV.

There's a special on a really
drunk guy who drinks a lot.

You should watch that.

What's that called?

It's called, "Drinky guy
who's drunk all the time."

Drinky the drunk guy?

Yeah, whose name is my dad.

Ben, very sweet,
this concern of yours, but...

It's not as much concern as...

Enough already, come on!

Well, dad, you know, hey.

I like to have fun as much
as the next guy.

Not if the next guy is me.

You don't like to have
fun as much as me.

No, you like to
have fun with the juice,

with the booze, with the sauce.

Yeah.

I'm saying cut it, dad.

I swear to god...
It's k*lling you.

Yeah, I'm going down
the tubes, Ben.

Hi, I'm Janeane Garofalo.

I'm here
to see Dr. Katz.

Garofalo, how do you spell that?

Like the animal.

So you blame yourself for
a lack of romance in your life,

for the lack of a lasting
relationship?

I mean, when it comes
to sex and stuff, I totally...

Whenever anyone spends
the night at my house,

come 2:00 A.M.,
I'm like a bartender.

It's like, "All right,
people wrap it up."

You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here."

There's a side of you that's
very nurturing and soft.

And could bring a lot
to a marriage, to a family.

I just think you need to
keep an open mind.

Well, doctor, an open mind
is why I don't get married.

What about these people.

Who marry their high school
sweethearts?

That's just like throwing
a blanket over your head.

And sitting Indian style on the
floor for the rest of your life.

And saying, "all doors that
are open shall now be closed."

"I'm going to stay with
the person.

Whose locker happened to
be near mine when I was 15."

I don't think
you should be allowed

to get married 'til
after you're 35.

I'm not so much
disagreeing with you, Janeane,

as much as I'm... I guess, I'm
agreeing with what I said.

I don't wanna get married,
'cause how am I gonna...

What am I gonna do?

I was such
a straight-c student.

I can't help my kids with
their math homework.

I'll be like, "Honey, just
look in the back of the book.

That's where the answers are.

That's what your
father and I always did."

You know what you have
to offer a kid?

Not necessarily
what you know about math.

But a certain playfulness
that you could bring.

To a relationship with a kid.

You're a playful person.

You are.

No, you are.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hi, Laura, it's Ben Katz.

How are you?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, doing well?

Yep.

Good... I can hear it
in your voice.

It's nice and crisp.

Why are you afraid of me?

I'm not afraid of you, Janeane.

You're always looking down at
your paper, and I just...

It just seems
like you're afraid.

No, on the contrary.

I'm just very secure
with my paper.

It's not that I'm afraid of you.

I'm just very comfortable
with the paper.

Do you like me?

Do I, do I like you?

Why do you wanna know that?

You're a bottle rocket today.

He's the same as ever?

Yeah.

You think he's on an even keel?

Maybe a little more so
than usual.

But the same.

But the thing is...
You know,

last night, we sort of
had a little run-in.

He seems to be drinking
a little bit more than usual.

The booze, you know?

Liquor.

Ben, don't let your hypochondria
extend to your father.

Well, that's not
hypochondria, is it?

Liquor?

That's alcoholism.

If you think that you're
an alcoholic when you're not,

that's hypochondria.

No, that's denial.

No, denial is when
you are an alcoholic.

And you don't think you are.

Okay, so what's
hypochondria again?

It's when you don't have it
but you think you do.

Right, okay.

You don't have it,
you think you do.

Your father has it even less,
and, uh, you think he does.

God, I could use a drink.

Okay, bye-bye.

I don't enjoy the moment,
I don't go for the gusto,

I don't grab
the bull by the horns,

I don't spend money on anything
other than designer coffee.

I spend, like,
$1,800 a day on lattes.

That's an expensive habit.

You shouldn't have to pay
that kind of money.

What is the street value
of a latte?

Speaking of drinking,
would would you be interested.

At all in a drink tonight?

And I hold
my nose when I say that,

deliberately.

Why?

I don't know, I'm just
pressing on it.

Okay, well, the answer's no.

About the drinking?

Yeah.

Would it help if I asked
you without the nose?

Wait a minute...
It's the same.

I press my nose and
I don't press my nose.

I have the same voice.

It's a nasal voice.

I can't help it.

Bye.

What about that drink?

I'm sure that must have been
a terrifying experience.

Getting mugged was one of.

The worst experiences
I've ever had,

and what's terrible is the
violation, as you know,

and they got my
wallet, with a really good.

Driver's license picture.

What are the chances
of me duplicating that?

Slim.

Slim to none.

To none.

And I don't understand why,
in the animal kingdom,

they have so many
devices of protection,

where in the human kingdom.

We don't have any of those.

Biological imperatives
that protect us.

Why couldn't I be walking,
and then the muggers come,

and then it's like
"See as Janeane.

Blends into the Geo Metro."

And they have to move on.

It's not just your things,

not just your belongings.

But they, really, in the end
end up taking a piece of you.

They stole my pride.

They stole my sense of rhythm.

They stole my whimsical
good nature.

You shouldn't leave all
that stuff lying around.

So are you guys eating?

Are you guys
gonna eat something?

Stan, you wanna share something?

Yeah, you got any of
that brownish-reddish meat

you had yesterday?

Yeah, I'll have a piece
of brownish-reddish meat.

On whole wheat?

Yeah, I got whole wheat.

Give us just a study in khaki.

A plate of earth tones, yeah.

I don't know how to buy food.

I screw it up when my wife...
That's kind of our defense.

Just screw it up so bad
they'll never send you again.

That's what I do.

"Oh, honey, they were
out of celery,

so I got a hammer."

And that works?

She gave me a list
and she gave me coupons.

Why do they do that
to us, doctor?

That's what puts us in therapy.

We can't handle coupons.

There's no man that secure.

No man.

There's no man who's
that secure with himself,

where he can look a register
girl right in her eye...

"Look, I believe it's


Slow down, lady.



I'm having a coupon problem.

Mind your business.

Your milk is leaking,
you shmuck."

We can't do that.

Men, we're idiots, we're stupid.

We're insecure, and we know it.

We have that macho image.

You can't even hold the door.

You ever watch that?

You ever watch a man, when he's.

Holding the door
open for a woman,

and then another man is trying
to get in right behind her?

Eeeh!

Can't do that.

Can't hold it for him.

The most you can do is give him
that little "There you go" flip.

Here.

I'm not gonna hold it,
I'll get you started.

Get away from me, you weirdo.

You wanna talk about my wife?

Okay.

It's our anniversary coming up.

Hey, congratulation, Ray,
how do you celebrate?

Do you do something special?

It's less and less every year.

It's just a card now,
that's all.

Really?

A card.
I heard you.

We're just too tired.

I like when I have
to buy a card for my wife.

Because then the men usually
like that,

'cause the card can
express things that we can't.

That's how I shop for a card.

I read it, and if I can say
it, I'm not gonna pay for it.

I look at the card, "I could
say that if I had to.

Oh, if I was drunk,
I would say that."

When we drink, we get
a lot more demonstrative.

Yeah, cops could give a drunk
driving test that way.

Just pull the guy over...

"Sir, how's
your marriage?"

"I love my wife."

"You're under arrest,
son, that's all.

Put the balloon down."

Dad?

Yes, Ben?

Dad, you know
I love you very much.

Love you, too.

Well, I'm not gonna
b*at around the bush.

I'm not gonna mince words here.

I am here for a
specific reason, and that is...

Wait a second, let me guess:

Did I forget your allowance?

No, no, no, it's not that, dad.

It's actually
more serious than that.

This is an intervention, dad.

I mean, I don't wanna
make any bones about it.

I'm here to tell you...

Can we do this later?

Sure.

'Cause I'm almost
done with this chapter,

if you hold on one sec.

Well, why don't I leave
and come right back?

'Cause I didn't think I got
a good start on that anyway.

I've never done this before.

Well, it's not easy,
take your time.

I just... I read a pamphlet.

Nothing worse than
a bad intervention.

Yeah, that didn't
come off right.

Okay, so try it again.

You know, the truth is, Ben...

You might find some
comfort here...

Is that I don't drink a lot
for a guy with my body weight.

Really?

How does that work?

Well, there's a formula you can
use, depending on your weight.

For instance, a guy
my size can have two beers.

And not really feel the effects,

but a six-year-old,
who's much smaller...

Yeah, I've been there.

Cannot put them away like that.

Yeah, that's true.

Dad, take off the mask
for one minute.

Ben, I appreciate this,
you know, your concern.

It's very sweet.

Dad, I will
never give up on you.

But, you know, this has
really gone far enough.

I've been very patient.

I blame myself, I blame mom.

You know, we should have seen
the handwriting on the wall.

Ben, most American men
and women who work for a living

will have an alcoholic beverage
at the end of the day,

and any medical
expert will tell you.

That's actually a good thing.

It prolongs life.

Dad, you call this living?

Walking around in a stupor?

Reeking of liquor, sinking
deeper and deeper into debt?

Okay, I'm gonna read.

What you see as
my drinking problem...

The drinking!

The drinking, yeah?

I see as my drinking hobby.

So it's a hobby?

It's a hobby in the broader
sense of the word,

because a hobby
really implies something.

You do to relax, to enjoy
yourself.

Yeah, but drinking is bad, dad.

You shouldn't have to do it
all the time, like you do.

I don't have to do anything.

I don't have to drink.

Well, you do drink,
though, every day, right?

Well, I have to drink.

That's what I'm getting to.

No, what I have to do
is I have to relax.

I have a...

I'm just saying:
If you can get to that point.

Where you can relax without the
use of alcohol, I think...

How about if I say
this: Point well taken.

And we leave it at that,
you know?

You've made your
point, and my point is.

You're coming from a 24-year-old
vantage point.

I understand, I'm a younger man.

And when you're 24 years old,
relaxing could be, for you,

just, you know, lying down
and feeling your own manhood.

I don't know why I said that.

All right,
I have a problem, too.

That's another question
I had for you:

Is it a bad sign when you can't
tell if you dreamt something.

Or if it actually happened?

Like what, Ray?

Like you know what I mean?

It'll be a few days later, and
I'll have to say to my wife,

"Did we see my
aunt a few days ago?

We did, okay.

And was her face
made of pudding?

It was... it wasn't?

All right,
that's where... okay."

You ever have that dream...

You know what I like
is when I know I'm dreaming.

Like, I'm seeing whatever
I'm doing,

and I realize it's a dream,
and so I know all rules are off.

You know what I mean?

Right.

You just go that extra step.

"Fat free my ass!"

Sure, go for it.

That's what
the kids would say, right?

Whoops, you know
what that means.

Already?

I'm sorry, Ray, our time is up.

I want the extended
version next time.

I can't get it all in!

You gotta go.

Ah, I feel a little better.

You are the youngest of six?

No.

I'm sorry,
let me check my, uh...

Okay, so you are
the middle child,

classic middle child syndrome.

No, I'm the youngest of three.

My next guess, okay.

And the only female?

No.

You're not making this easy
for me, janeane.

I have a sister who is
three years older than me.

And a brother who is six
years older than me.

Classic, uh, stacking
every three years syndrome.

Good memories?

Oh yeah, all good.

That's why I'm with you today.

What is your earliest
childhood memory?

And take your time,
because sometimes...

I can't think of any.

No, well, what about
adolescent memories?

It's dinner time, you're home.

With your sister
or your brother,

your dad's just gotten back
from an out-of-town trip.

Nothing... not working?

Your mother's had
a couple too many, maybe?

Not ringing any bells.

Let's back it up, you're ten.

The braces are about to go on.

I never had braces.

You're holding back, janeane.

You know what, I think
I'm just gonna go.

Well, we still have a couple
of minutes, janeane.

Why don't we keep working here?

Yeah, I really feel
done, though.

I feel like
it's just... it's time.

Yeah, so go with that feeling.

I will go with that...

No, don't go with that feeling.

I mean, just...

Why don't I just take
the feeling to my car.

And sit with it in my
car and drive home with it,

and if I feel that
it's appropriate.

To come back with the feeling,

I'll bring it on back to you?

Hey, you know, our time is up.