02x17 - Henna

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Oh, hey, hi.

Julie, hold my calls, please.

Okay.

Boy, you're in a...
You're like.

Well, my...

Is there something...

My star is on the rise.

Is that an expression?

It's a medical expression.

I'm at the bus stop,

and this gorgeous, gorgeous

drop-dead woman
comes on to me.

She gives me one of these looks.

And says to me,

"Does the number three
bus stop here?"

Maybe she wanted to know

where the bus
was stopping, though.

Yeah. Well, it says
"Number three bus."

Yeah. Well, maybe
she'd had, like didn't...

You know, couldn't see it?

This was different.

She... she looked at me
a little too long.

You know what that...

What that's like, Stanley,

a woman looks at you
a little too long?

Uh... no.

You know, she was
undressing me with her eyes.

Yeah. And then what?

Then I put
a little something on.

So what happened?
Did she get on the bus?

Of course, she got on the bus,

sat down opposite me.

Yeah.
And, uh...

Then what?

Then, uh, we exchanged
glances, and I got off.

Yeah. And you got off?

You lost me here, buddy.

I don't know
what's going on here.

No, it's just a good feeling

when a young, attractive woman

lets you know that she
also finds you attractive.

Oh. All right.
Well, sure.

And you're saying, "Where's
the number three bus?"

In effect, does that?

It says,
"I find you attractive"?

When she gave me
that look, Stanley...

Ah...

That come hither, come yon.

Step lightly...

Step well.

Step into the night, young man.

Watch your step
getting on the bus.

Step to the back, please.

My only advice to you guys
is public transportation.

It's where it's at.

I had a bad day today.

I went to the one place
I don't fit in.

Where is that, Fred?

I was outside.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think
maybe all along,

I've really had a great life,

and it's my answering
machine has been broken,

and I didn't know it.

Like, there's great calls,

"This is Natalie Merchant.
I like you.

"I'm going to help you out a lot.

And be accepting to you.

I'll only call once.
Please call me back."

"Fred, this is God.
I made a mistake.

You're supposed to have
Christian Slater's life.

Come to third street,

and I'll make
everything better."

I don't know.

I've been trying to do things,

trying to get out there,
like you tell me to.

That's good.

I've been taking risks.

You know what I did today?

Yeah.

I drank milk
that expired yesterday.

I don't care.
I did that.

I went to mail
a letter to my friend.

I didn't put
my return address on it.

It may not get there.

And I didn't put the stamp
all the way in the corner.

I put it near the middle.

And then when I went to mail it,

I didn't jiggle the mailbox lid

to make sure the letter
went all the way down.

I walked the hell away.

You know why I take risks?

'Cause you could go any day.

Life is so short.

Look what could happen to you.

You know, a guy can throw

his dungarees out the window,

it lands on your head,
you suffocate to death.

Then won't you feel stupid.

For not doing
what you want to do?

Yeah.

Could I...
Could I check my machine,

see if I got any messages?

I hate those three-day
holidays because,

you know, I don't work anyway.

And I walk the streets,
and it's confusing.

'Cause it's Monday,
and no one's there.

Everyone's out doing something.

I'm not there.

They're barbecuing, they're
leaping, they're hugging,

they're doing fun things.

I'm walking the street
by myself,

going, "Is there mail today?"

"Why isn't... is there mail?

This is not a no mail holiday.

I want mail."

I have these friends.

Ah, they're useless.

Any time I have a problem,

they don't listen.

They give me some
stupid cliché expression.

Like I had a bad day,
my friend goes,

"Tomorrow's another day."

Wow, thanks,
I didn't know that. Really?

I was so scared.

I see the stores closing,
the sun going down,

I thought that was it.

You mean there's more?

I once did the TV guide
crossword puzzle in a pen,

not a pencil for erasing.

Not only that,
but I bought the TV guide

with just one day left
in the week.

People go,
"Wait for next week."

Get out of here.

What exactly are you
doing there, Fred?

I've got this jujyfruit
stuck in my tooth.

You know, jujyfruits?

Yeah, I do. I know.

The candies that get
stuck in your teeth.

Try pulling them out,
they don't come out.

Right.

So what are you,
what are you -

I'm putting another jujyfruit.

I'm sending him in
to rescue the other guy.

Like, you know, like
commando jujyfruit?

I'll do that. I'm nuts.

I don't care that
there's one in there.

I'm taking the risk that
he won't get stuck, too.

I can't really
endorse that, Fred.

Did I tell you,

I know this guy
who owns a laundromat?

Uh-uh.

I don't kiss his ass.

I treat him like everyone else.

I'm a rebel, you know.

People go, "Ooh, there's Larry.

Oh, Larry, I..."
You know what I mean?

And I think they like me
'cause of that,

'cause I'm aloof.

Yeah.

Like Kiefer Sutherland.

Hey, Ben.

Hi, dad.

Could you not sit there?

Because I got...
I need to use the table.

I sort of said,
"Don't sit there."

That's what I said.

Okay, okay.

So that when you move,
I could...

I need the room to sort here.

What are you... what exactly
are you doing here?

I'm just going through
my mail, you know.

What's this enormous pile
of letters?

I get a lot of junk mail.

Because I put myself
on a master list.

Yeah.

And I've been collecting,
and it's like a hobby.

I think...

I think that it's gone
a little too far.

The amount of mail that comes
into this house, I don't...

I think it's getting
to be an intrusion.

Big mistake.

But I think
you need to write them

and tell them to stop
sending you junk mail.

or talk to the post office.

I've been writing them,
but, you know,

they're mostly thank you
notes for sending.

What?

Please tell me
that's not true, Ben.

Yeah. Well, because,
you know what...

Nobody sends a thank you note.

Well, I've developed
kind of a, uh...

A fascination with the mail.

What is this?

One, two, three, four packets

of ultra henna...

Ultra henna bouquet.

They sent free samples.

Yeah, but why did
they send you four?

How does that work?

Well, I ordered one,
and then I re-ordered.

Oh, you ordered
under four different names.

Yeah... Ben Katz, Benny Katz,
B.Katz, B.B.Katz.

See, that's how it works.

That's very clever.
Same address.

Be very clever if
we wanted four packs of...

Well, you never know...

What exactly is this stuff?

It's for your hair.

It's henna for your hair.

It's a hair treatment.

What does it do for your hair?

I'm not sure.

I haven't read the brochure yet,

but I sent away for
the free samples and...

I don't think
you need it, either.

I mean, you have
a beautiful head of hair.

You think so?

I'd k*ll for a head
of hair like that.

I'm going to k*ll you.

Laura, can you come
in for a second?

Dr. Katz,
do you need something?

Okay, I'm going to go back out.

No.

Hey, wait, Laura, here's
what I wanted, was...

Do you notice anything
different about me?

Well, you've moved
your desk lamp

into an awkward position.

Anything more personally
different about me?

Um, no, no,
nothing worth mentioning.

Nothing?
Take a good look.

Take your time.

Well, your hair is bright red.

That's it. You got it.

I'm doing fine, I'm trying
to lose the weight.

It's not easy, Kevin.

I'm trying.
I'm constantly dieting.

I can't lose weight.

Yeah.

I retain everything.
I retain air.

I stopped going to the
all-you-can-eat restaurants.

All you can eat...
Think of that, Dr. Katz.

Yeah.

All you can eat.

You're not supposed
to eat all you can eat.

I saw this one restaurant,

it was actually called
"More than all you can eat."

Who goes to these restaurants?

Huge men go
to these restaurants.

"I'm not done eating yet.

I still have
a little bit more room.

Left in my esophagus.

Could someone

put their foot
in my mouth, please?

Step down on my throat.

I know I could get a couple
of more feedings in.

More sour cream, please!"

"Would you like the large fries,

the extra large fries,

or the valve closer
with that?"

"I'll have
the valve closer, please,

with the complimentary iv
of pork gravy."

"Assuming there's
no blockage in your colon,

would you like to take a look

at our dessert wagon?"

Doot, doot!
This thing is huge.

Teamsters are driving it in!

Doot, doot!
Cheesecakes here!

Cheesecakes here!

And that was never any
special kind of cheesecake,

except New York
imported cheesecake.

You ever see that
on the menu, Dr. Katz?

Imported New York cheesecake?

I grew up in New York.

I don't remember
when I was a kid,

"Hey, Billy, let's go down
to the docks!

The cheesecake boats
are in!"

You know, I was talking

to my aunt Rose not long ago,

and she was one
of my favorite aunts.

When I was a kid

she lived way up
in the mountains.

Was, uh...

Uh, what was the name
of the mountain?

It was...

I think you said
it was Iron Ore Mountain.

Yes, Iron Ire Mountain.

It was a beautiful mountain.

That had refrigerators
stuck all over it.

She had a metal plate
in her head.

Often you'd see her

flying through the neighborhood

towards the mountain.

"I'm going to the store
for goat's milk.

Does anybody need anything?

Oh, my god,
look at Kevin down there!

He's got a big old puss
on his face."

You lost me on that one,
Kevin, I'm sorry.

I don't know, Dr. Katz.

I'm just tired of
the same thing every day.

Sure, everybody...

Getting up and working

and not having the fun
that I want to have.

Yeah.

Why am I always screaming?

All day long,
I'm running and screaming

and trying to exhaust myself,

so when I finally hit
that pillow, I'll collapse.

I can't, I can't, I can't relax.

Do you have an active sex life?

Do you have sexual desires?

Do you have sexual fantasies?

I do have sexual desires.
I do!

I have to go
to the bathroom now.

Hello?

- Ben?
- Yes.

Hey, can you do me favor?

Can you check in my bathroom?

Uh-huh.

There should be one of
those ultra henna packets.

I just want you to get that
and read the back to me.

I knew you'd come around, huh?

To my way of thinking.

Well, I did something
so stupid last night.

What did you do?

Well, I tried it, you know,

and I left it in
there too long, you know.

Oh, you used it.

Yes, so...

That's not stupid.
I did it, too.

My hair's bright red today.

Yeah, that happened to me, too.

I think we both left it
in too long.

I think that's what it does.

Can you check the packet

and see if there's something
on there about undoing it?

Because I can't go
through life like this.

It's not, uh...

You know, you should
just live with it.

Yeah.
I'm going to.

But I think,
eventually, it fades.

Well, eventually...

You know, into a nice auburn
or a mahogany, you know.

I don't know, Ben.

You know what, dad?
I did my arm hair.

I don't believe that.

The chest and the back...

- Oh, god.
- Too.

I just think I got carried away.

But I wanted to be
a total redhead, you know.

I mean, a total...

So would you go
get the packet, Ben?

Just read this to me,
what it says on the back.

I got one right here.

'Cause I was
about to re-do it...

I don't think that
is a good idea.

Get this a little redder.

I think that is a not good idea.

It isn't red enough.
I'm going to...

I think we're barking up
a tree called danger.

Now it says,
it says rinse, repeat.

Well, you do
what you want to do.

I'm going to three-peat.

Just give me the number
or something I can call.

Would you do that?

Is there any information
about this?

Well, there is an ultra henna
bouquet hotline number here...

What is that number?

That we can call.

It's a 1-800 number.

Okay.



I'll be ready
in one second, okay?

Let's... when
I get home tonight,

let's call that number, okay?

Oh, okay.

And, you know, dad,
it says right here,

when you call the number,

you can talk to
the henna helper lady free.

Free of charge.
They don't charge.

But you know
why they don't charge?

Because she's laughing
so hard at us.

I'm nuts. Hoo-hoo!

Why do you say that?

I was reading this book.

In the middle of it,

without memorizing
where I was up to,

I slammed it shut
without a bookmark.

Yeah.

Bookmarks are stupid anyway,

now that I come to think of it.

I said that, I don't care.

I mean, is this a necessity?

You see some guy

running into a bookstore
with a book open.

"Oh, you have bookmarks.
Thank god."

I don't know,
but I do know. I do.

I have a CD discman,

and it has a button
on it called "Random."

Do you know what that is?

Yeah.

It randomly shuffles
the songs around,

and you never have to hear
them in the same order.

Ooh-hoo, it's nuts.

I'm always at the edge
of my seat, going,

"What song is next?
What song is next?"

I take nothing for granted.

I saw Billy Joel
on the street and I said,

"I'm familiar
with your latest CD,

but not in the order.

You want me
to be familiar with it."

And I met this girl last week.

I said, "Do you want
to go back to my place?"

This is true.

She goes, "You're not
going to k*ll me, are you?"

What kind of a question is that?

Like, if I am, I'm going
to be honest about it.

And go, "Yeah, I don't know.
I may k*ll you",

"I may not, I'm not sure.

I'm kind of tired.

I think
I'll just wound you."

I asked this girl out.

Mm-hmm.

She goes, "I don't think
that'd be a good idea."

Idea, like it's a theory
I'm working on.

My first blind date

didn't get past
the first phone call.

I'm talking to this girl.

Right away, she goes,
"I'm on the rebound.

My boyfriend hurt me."

She goes, "I thought
just to get back at him",

I'd sleep with some guy,

"But, nah, that
wouldn't hurt him."

I go,
"nah, maybe it will."

Worst thing is talking
to a girl on the phone,

I know the conversation's over,

she wants to get away from me,

in the middle of
a call she goes, "anyway."

You ever hear that?
"Anyway."

It's like, "Go to hell,
hope you die."

I'm so impulsive.
I'm nuts.

I was in a store.

Yeah?

I bought a pen for 79 cents.

I didn't even need it.

I just saw it, picked
it up, and bought it.

The pen was 79 cents.

I gave the cashier 80 cents.

I walked the hell away.

I said,
"Keep the penny."

I'll say it to her.

Right to her, I'll say that.

I went to a movie theater.

That was also impulsive.

I didn't even know
what I was going to see.

I just walked in,

and I even missed
some of the credits.

Then I bought some popcorn,

I ate it right there
in the lobby.

I didn't savor it
for the whole movie.

I live in the moment.

Sure.

I was on an escalator
the other day.

Yeah?

I let go of the handrail,

then I put my arms up
in the air. Yeeee!

You can't stop me.
Don't even try.

I'll take you down with me.

I have an older sister.

My parents finally told me

why they
like her better than me.

Why is that?

She's older, and
they've known her longer.

Oh.

When I was a kid,
this was very traumatic.

My father, he sat me down
for a talk,

and I knew right away
something has to be wrong.

Because he very
rarely talks to me.

He goes, "Fred, sit down."

"Fred, I don't know how
I'm going to tell you this.

Well, you're going to have
to find out sooner or later,

and I might as
well tell you now.

You're a h*m*."

I couldn't believe it.
I was shocked.

I said, "Why?"

He said,
"Because you're thin."

And how did you get along
with your mother, Fred?

There's not a lot
of warmth and affection

between me and my mother.
I asked her about it.

I said to her,
"Mrs. Stoller..."

But she bothers me all the time

'cause I quit college.

She's always going,

"When are you going to
go back, get your degree?"

I go, "What for?

What's it going
to do for me?"

This is her reason, she goes,

"You'll be able to say
you're a college graduate."

Like I'm not able to say it now?

What, like I try,
I go, "I'm a ca-ga-gagua."

I'm a college ga-gagua.

Damn, four credits short.
I almost had it."

Dad, whatever you do,

don't malign the product
because...

I understand.
I know how this works.

I'll try to be...

I'll try to handle
this delicately.

Because this a product
I believe in, and...

Hi, uh... I'm wondering
if you can help us.

My son, uh...

Hello. On the line.

Yeah.
He used your product

and didn't look at
the directions very carefully.

I love your product, by the way.

And, uh...
I love the product.

Let me handle this, Ben, okay?

And I'm just...
Go ahead.

I'm just wondering.

If there's anything
you can do to help him.

Because he really...

You know, I also want to get

on the personal care
mailing list, too.

Let's come back to that one.

He really could use
a little help,

and I'm wondering
if there's some way

that you can talk him
through undoing this process

in which he made
his hair much redder

than he had intended to do...

Well, we both did,
not that we...

We love the products,
and we both...

Look, lady, we look
like a couple of freaks.

You got to help us.

Hey, dad, come on, all right?
You know, tone down.

Yeah, no, we'll hold on.

Yeah.
Thank you.

Hey, you know what we could...

We could certainly do
other toll-free calls

after this one.

Yeah, I'm not sure
that's a good idea,

but I have enjoyed
this little time together.

Should I put on the TV
while we're holding,

get us a snack or something?

What?

We could share a bowl
of popcorn while we hold.

What could she be doing?

I don't know.

I picture her as kind
of a mad scientist type

with wild, red hair.

I wonder if that's
part of the job.

That they all have to
have this wild, red hair

that we now have.

You know, maybe we shouldn't

drag this Hannah the Helper
into it, you know?

"The henna helper."

"Hannah,
the henna helper."

Now, dad, you know, we have
something to do at night.

I don't know, Ben.

Maybe we should just relocate

and start life again
as redheads.

Dad, you can't turn down
a toll-free call

that's all there is to it.

Maybe we should leave
her out of it

and then just send them
a thank you note.

Let me write it.

You know, I don't like traveling.

Because every time I check
into the hotel room,

they're trying to get at me.

Nobody respects the "Do not
disturb" sign anymore.

They're still knocking
on the door.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

"Hello, housekeeping,
housekeeping.

Do you need more towels?

Do you need more towels?"

"No! I have
about a hundred towels

in the room right now!

"What man is going through
a hundred towels a day?!

I don't think
I could get any drier!"

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

"Hello, this is room service.

Would you like some chocoletes?

Come on, take a chocolete.

Take-a two,
take-a two chocoletes?"

"I don't want the chocoletes!

Leave me alone!"

If you're not in the room,

they leave the chocoletes
on the pillow.

I don't like that.

You come home late at night,

you don't see the chocoletes.

You're waking up,


"Oh, my god,
I've pooped the bed!"

I don't know.

People tell me, "You know
when you meet a girl",

"You know when it happens?

When you're
not looking for it."

When's that?

When I'm asleep,

they're going to break
into my apartment?

"Hi, I'm Debbie.

You weren't looking
for it, here I am."

I'm always looking for it.

What else is there to do?

Every thought's connected
to that frustration.

Like my uncle d*ed,
and I'm upset,

but I'm thinking,

maybe I'll meet
someone at the funeral,

maybe a cousin...
I don't care.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Women-schmimen.

One time, I said that.
I went, "Women-schmimen,".

And this woman
who heard me say it,

she goes,
"Don't say that. Boo!"

"Boo!" Like I'm sexist.

It's like they're going,

"We're tired
of being called schmimen.

We're not schmimen."

Whoops, you know
what the music means.

Oh, that reminds me.

I'm sorry.
Our time is up.