03x20 - Monte Carlo

[bunniefuu]

I'm a little antsy
tonight, forgive me.

Yeah.

You know, I get this way,
well, I guess I am this way.

Oh, yeah.

Know who I bumped into today?

It was a guy who
used to terrorize me.

In grade school, Tommy Calagna.

Tommy?

And every day,
this kid, for five years,

would come up to me.

And shake me down
for my lunch money.

Bastard.

And then finally, one day,
I come to school,

and I'm trembling,
because I see him coming,

and there's no change
in my pockets.

So he comes up
to me, and he says,

"Katz, where's your
lunch money?"

And I said,
"I don't have any money,".

And he said, "Okay."

Wow.

What do you think of this, dad?

Is that clear to you?

Take, like, ten steps back,
though, and see if you can...

Ow!

"Piccups celebrity
limo service."

It looks like
a semi-professional sign.

Well, I made it myself.

Do you like the letters.

In all the different
colors like that?

Yeah, leaps out of you,
sort of captures your eye.

Cut 'em out from
different magazines,

so it looks like a ransom note.

That was my concept.

Is it a project
you're doing for...

Dad, you don't understand...
I'm starting a business.

I'm working
through the initial...

Oh, I see, and what
kind of business, Ben?

It's a celebrity
limo pickup service.

It's called "piccups,"
like "hiccups."

You need a catchy
title for a business.

That's the most important thing.

And do you think
there's a market for it?

Oh, yeah, celebrities are coming.

In and out of town all the time,

and they need rides,

and that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna pick them
up at the airport,

bring them to their
press junkets,

their hotels, their restaurants.

The list goes on.

I think I'm on to
something, though, really.

I do, too.

You don't seem excited.

No, this is me excited...
Don't you remember?

But, Ben, unless
I'm missing something,

you're gonna need a car,
am I right?

Got one, rented one.

It's a Monte Carlo,
like the count.

That's "Cristo."

Like the oil?

No, that's Crisco.

Like the count?

No, that's "Carlo."

Like the car.

Well, just very realistically,

you're gonna have
expenses, like the car.

How are you gonna
pay for the car?

Credit card.

Whose credit card?

Your credit card.

Didn't we have
a talk about that?

I gave you my credit card
in case of an emergency,

and this does not
constitute an emergency.

Well, dad, I mean,
things happened so fast.

The business needed to
be set up so quickly,

and the idea came so quickly.

Well, I understand that,
I understand that,

but I wish you could reassure me.

That if you're gonna use my card.

In a situation
that's not an emergency,

you'll clear it with me first.

I'm gonna use it again today.

Dad, I gotta say,
I'd love to stay and chat,

but I've gotta pick up
the car right now.

Wait, hold on one second.

Let me play the devil's
advocate for one minute.

No, dad, don't, please?

I don't like the devil's
advocate thing.

You're too good at it.

What about duck, duck, goose?

Okay, you got a deal.

It's just so hard
to know, you know?

It's like, I did this
thing in my act about.

Something about vietnamese
people eating dogs, right?

And this woman comes up
to me, and she goes,

"You know, that was
really unnecessary.

You know, you're pretty funny.

You don't have to
resort to that."

And I go, "What?"

And she goes, "Well, you know,

making fun of
other people's cultures.

That's pretty low,

and after all,
what is the difference.

Between one culture,
where they eat a dog,

or here in the United States,
where we eat a cow?"

So I go, "I don't know, lady",

"I guess the difference is that
eating a cow is correct,

and eating a dog is
completely screwed up."

Based on my rule,

which is that any animal
that can catch a frisbee.

Is not food.

That's how I divide
the animal kingdom.

Throw 'em a frisbee.

If it bounces off
his head, he's lunch.

You know, I know it's
not scientific,

but it works with most of
your better-tasting animals.

If you throw a frisbee
to a Turkey,

boom, right over his head.

"Sorry, I don't play sports,
I'm a Turkey."

Well, what are you doing here?

"Well, you know, I don't know.

"I have a lot of white
meat and drumsticks... hint!

"If you wanted to k*ll me,

"I'm not really good at
flying away... hint! Hint!

I know only one word,
gobble... big hint."

I went to the Red lobster.

They just have
that look, you know,

that "Any word from
the governor?" Look,

but I eat 'em anyway, you know?

Because all you gotta do
is have four or five drinks,

and then you don't really care.

Once you add some drinks,
you're just sitting there.

With that emperor-
of-Rome attitude now.

The waiter's going,
"Can we help you?"

And you're like,
"yes, bring me the brown one.

"He amuses me.

The impertinent one on
the right, seize him!"

"Would you like
a beverage?"

"Wine, bring me wine!"

It's just odd... it's like,
why are they the only animals.

That have to put up with that?

You go to a steak
house, no cow t*nk.

They don't bring your cow over.

"What do you
think of this one, buddy?

With a baked potato,

I don't think
you'll go wrong with him!

Say the word, I got a g*n.

I'll blast the crap
out of him right here.

He's... hey, put
your head up.

What the hell's wrong with you?

There's a customer here!"

There's the cow... "Why don't
you have the lobster?"

He's in the t*nk,

"Why don't you mind
your own business?"

This is awfully
nice back here, Ben.

It's roomy, huh?

That's why I rented it.

It's heaven.

You got your seatbelt
on back there?

Yep.

Safety first
with "Piccups."

Nope, I'm strapped in.

Hey, dad, I see you.

How you doing? Just making
sure the thing works.

All set back there?

I'm fine.

Still see you.

Hey, Ben, please watch
where you're going.

I'm sorry... I'm not
looking at the road.

I should really do that.

Okay, you can let me
off right here, Ben,

because my office is
right around the corner.

And I appreciate the lift.

It's no problem... I'm happy
to give you a ride.

I mean, one, it's my job,
and two, it's on my way anyway.

To?

To your office.

Where?

Where I'm going.

To?

To do my day's work.

Which is?

I can't keep talking
like this, dad.

It's like you had a stroke.

So, Laura.

Yeah?

Here's the deal... Ben...

Do you want me to explain?

No, that's okay,
I can handle it.

You sure?
Yeah.

Ben has started
a little company,

and he needs a place to
take calls for the day.

Okay, so you're gonna take
him out looking for a place?

No, he's actually gonna
share the office with you,

just for the day,

and then we'll find some
other kind of arrangement.

No, really?

I'm gonna stay out of your way.

So I know this is not
the ideal arrangement.

Honestly, it wasn't
ideal to begin with.

Dad, where do you
want me to set up?

Why don't you set up
as far away from Laura.

As you possibly can get and
still be in the office?

Okay, so why don't
I just move the coat rack.

And do it right over there?

That's okay with me.

Is that gonna be okay
with you, Laura? Lo-lo?

Don't call me that.

What?

Whatever you just said,
just don't say it again.

Lo-lo.

I said not to say it again.

That's what I call you in
the office... hey, lo-lo.

I need to know that I can go
into my office and work.

And know that the two of you.

Will behave like young adults.

This is not gonna be
disruptive at all.

I'm here to do my business...
I assume you are, too, Laura.

And Ben, what's
important, most of all,

is that my business
runs smoothly,

without any
interference from you.

Dad, that's your problem.

I mean, you gotta
run your own ship.

It could become your problem
very quickly, young man,

if you don't...

I don't like that
tone of voice with me.

I'm sorry.

Don't get snippy, because
this is my first day,

and I got enough
nervous tension.

Okay, look, I want
this to go well for you.

I want this to work for you.

I just don't want you to
make Laura's job impossible.

Dad, we're gonna be fine,
everything's gonna work out.

Laura and I are gonna
be like office mates.

We're gonna be office pals,
gonna be office buddies.

Isn't that right,
Laura? Buddy up?

Okay, kids.

See you at the coffee counter.

Wash your mug, 'cause
germs, germs, germs!

You seem a little
distracted today, winona.

No, I'm fine...
It's just, they're...

Yeah?

You know, there's nothing
you can't say to me.

You understand that.

I know, I just...

Yeah?

If you... do you
have any kleenex?

Sure, help yourself.

Maybe you should...

No, I'm good, thanks.

Oh, right, right, oh.

Has that been there.

The whole time
we've been talking?

Because this...
I apologize.

See? That's why
I'm still hungry.

I know very little
about your parents.

How did they meet?

My mom and dad?

My mom was wearing a miniskirt,

and my dad followed
her to a softball game,

and they met.

Where is she from?

She's from Minnesota.

"You know,
she talks like that."

She's got a deviated septum?

And my dad's got a heavy
Brooklyn accent.

"You know,
talks like that."

Good septum.

How you doing over there?

I know, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to startle you.

I gotta get myself
"orgasmi-sized," huh?

Okay, that's the kind of thing
we don't say in the office.

That's an office thing,
an office expression?

Okay, I'm done with
this conversation.

I was raised in San Francisco,

but then we moved to
this commune for four years.

With no electricity
or running water.

My parents thought, "Oh, we're
taking them out of the city",

"And we're gonna raise them
in this utopia, this nature.

They won't have to be
afraid of anything."

But they didn't know.

That there was
wild boar up there,

and that it was terrifying.

There was no way
to turn on a light.

When you were scared.

You had to grope for matches.

And find a candle
or a kerosene lamp.

Groping for matches
already doesn't sound safe.

Even without the kerosene.

You know, Laura,
this is a big day for me,

because it's my grand opening,

and I assume I'm gonna
be getting a lot of calls,

you know, for business,

because I am open for business.

I mean, the point is so that...
You know, I was wondering.

If you could maybe
just say, "piccups,".

When you answer the phone,

and not play up the whole
doctor thing,

unless it sounds like
a really troubled person.

I remember everyone always
claiming they saw a UFO.

I remember one of
the older kids saying,

"If you walk like an alien,
they won't abduct you."

So when we would
have to be out at night,

we'd walk like aliens,

or how we thought
aliens would walk.

How'd you do that walk?

That makes sense.

My mom would get us
up every morning.

Before school, like, two hours.

Before we had to leave,
and make us meditate.

And then she'd make us do
the salutations to the sun,

this yoga thing, over and over
and over again,

and we had to honor
the earth all the time.

Let me see if I have this right,

you'd honor the earth.

And then you'd do
a sun salutation?

Yeah.

And is that a conflict
of interests?

I don't know that much about it.

So you know, we broke up,

and I haven't
spoken to her since.

Hard to believe that
was 18 years ago, huh?

I mean, I bet she'd be surprised

to hear that I'm
running my own company now.

Wow, that's really fascinating.

There's a lot you
don't know about me.

I like that about you.

Dr. Katz' office.

Is not.

Is.

No, is not, Laura.

I know you're not... I know
I'm not paying your salary,

but the least you could
do is answer the phone.

What is it?

It's "Piccups."

No, what do you want?

Oh, I was just checking in.

I'm driving, and I have a phone.

Okay, well, everything's fine.

You know the problem?

Okay, bye-bye.

Wait, hold up, 'cause I
just have a quick...

There's a weird
smell in the car.

And I think it's me.

Hey, Richard, have you
ever considered marriage,

that maybe there's a Mrs.
Jeni in your future?

No, I've never even
been drunk enough

to get a tattoo.

Right.

I think you just never
know what's gonna happen.

I mean, the proof
that nobody knows.

What's gonna happen,

is that women are now
smoking cigars.

Who could have ever predicted...

Now, I don't personally have
anything against it.

I think... whenever I'm in.

An intimate situation
with a lovely young lady,

I want her to remind me.

As much of Edward G.
Robinson as possible.

I want a woman in
a nightie and a pushup bra.

With a big stogy going,

"All right, here's the
way it's gonna be, buster!

I don't want any foreplay...
I'm a busy girl, see?

I don't wanna
get pregnant, see?

So at the end, you get out of
there... b*at it, scram!"

Huh.

I don't know...
It's just hard to decide,

'cause when you first
fall in love,

you know, it's easy, right?

Because when you're in love,
there's nothing like it.

You take some love and some sex,

and you mix 'em together.

It's almost like
a rocket launch.

You're taking off your
shirt in that boudoir,

and you can almost
hear the NASA guy going,

"T-minus four, three, two..."

But if ten years go by,
and you're not in love now,

it's not exactly a rocket.

It's more like a crappy
commuter flight.

In a little
puddle-jumping plane.

You're just in the bedroom
taking off your shirt,

hearing this guy...

"Folks, we're, uh, gonna get
underway here in the sex.

We should be hitting
the climax right on schedule,

just about four or five
minutes, maximum.

Got a slight tailwind,

could get us in just
a little bit early.

Those of you on
the right side of the bed,

point of interest,
closet door's open.

You might wanna start.

Picking out your clothing
for work in the morning.

Please remain in position.

Until we've come to
a full and complete stop."

People say that marriage
should be forever,

but when they made up that rule,

"forever" wasn't
that long, you know?

I mean, when they
made up that rule,

there was just a guy going,
"yeah, I'll get married.

Hey, come on, I don't
wanna be 19 and alone."

You never know what's gonna
happen with a marriage.

Sometimes you
turn on the TV,

and there's Willard Scott going,

"These people have been
married for 140 years."

Then you flick another channel,

and there's someone going,

"A Milwaukee woman
has crazy-glued.

Her husband's
butt cheeks together.

While he was sleeping."

I mean, that really happened.

I read about that.

I always wondered if
they stayed together...

The couple, I mean.

That's, you know,
it's gotta be weird.

The guy wakes up, and he
comes down, and probably,

you know, you can't really
accuse the wife right away.

You gotta go,

"Honey, did you, uh...
Glue my butt cheeks together.

While I was sleeping?"

And she's there going,
"all of a sudden,

"You're Mr. Observant.

You didn't notice when
I changed the curtains!"

What do you want?

Just gotta tell you, gotta be
totally honest with you...

Hydroplaning... fun!

I'll tell you something,

I would never do it with
a client in the car,

'cause when the client gets in,

that's when I turn
on Mr. Business.

Is there something
I can do for you?

That's when I
turn off Mr. Fun.

I'm hanging up.

My mom was dragging
me to church every week,

not a good one, you know,

like St. John the Divine or
St. Mary the Immaculate.

We used to go to
St. Phil the Reliable.

You know, he's not a miracle
worker, but he's there.

It was boring!

All priests, they have
this weird...

Can you say
the word "lord?"

Try and say that.

Lord.

See, you can't be a priest.

You have to have
a certain tone of voice,

a very clipped, just caught
my privates in a car door,

borderline Kermit the frog...

"Lord!

Oh, lord, lord, lord.

Lord, as I must do each week,

let me repeat
things over and over.

So as to bore everyone
and fill up an hour.

Whoa, you're a holy,
holy, holy guy, lord.

You are ten pounds of holy
in a five-pound bag.

Lord, you are... ".

And I'd be back there,
what are you, rain man, padre?

Pick it up!

"Lord, let us read from
the epistle of the apostle,

Roman seven, Leviticus three,

paragraph nine, section
eight, 25, with six to four.

Chicago, seven, St. Louis, two,
bottom of the eighth,

runners at
the corners... lord!"

Yeah, I don't know.

People always tell me

I shouldn't make fun
of church and stuff,

and I always think, like, "well",

"God knows everything, right?

So God knew I would
do this, and he let me."

That's the way I look at it...
You know what I mean?

'Cause I don't
know who your lord is,

even if you're not catholic.

You can't have a lord going...
"I was not aware of that.

How could that have happened?

Here I am, the supreme being,

and I don't know what
the hell's going on."

You know, on any given Sunday,

more people watch auto racing.

Than go to catholic church now.

And auto racing is
pretty boring, too.

I don't know why.

I think the only difference
is that auto racing,

unlike church, has really
exciting radio commercials.

I think if the church had them,

they'd probably do better.

"Sunday, Sunday!
Attention church fans!

At the church of the
independent suspension,

see big daddy monsignor Murphy
take on the devil himself!

That's right,
the priest from the east.

Versus the thunder
from down under!

It's all happening at 12:00
mass this Sunday, Sunday!"

Hey, Ben.

Dad, let me explain
right off, okay?

Airports are very confusing.

There's a lot of
on-ramps and off-ramps.

And different places,

and driving around here
is not what I'm used to,

and I think that was
the major problem.

Look, I'm just glad
that you're not hurt.

Dad, I'm putting up
the out-of-business sign,

'cause this is ridiculous.

Well, I'm not mad at you, Ben,
if that's any comfort to you.

I'm a little disappointed.

I think it was a great idea,
but you know what?

Maybe it's something
you can come back to.

At a different
time in your life,

when you figure out this whole.

Departure/arrival thing.

Well, you know,
I blame myself, I do.

It's not that I blame others.

I mean, I failed at this.

You had one bad experience,

and is that any reason to
give up on a business?

That is the mark...
It's just a bad omen,

and I'm not gonna
start a business.

Based on bad energy.

You know, dad, maybe you
just didn't give birth.

To a business-minded son.

You didn't give me
the mind for business.

Just don't give up on
yourself so quickly.

That's my only thing.

I think I was born
to not own a business.

Well, in that case,
you're doing great.

Did you ever just get nervous.

When you're in your line of work.

That you're not
doing a good job?

Absolutely... every day,
I feel that way.

Every day, I ask myself,
"Am I a good therapist?"

And I've learned to
stop asking out loud.

You know, and I
tried to get into shape,

but it just takes too
long to workout.

I just don't have the time.

It's just faster to not
walk by a mirror.

When you're naked,

'cause as long as you've
got your clothes on,

you can go,
"I look pretty good."

Then you see yourself naked
in a full-length mirror,

and go, "whoa,
if I saw this in a forest",

I'd sh**t it and run
back to the car."

But to be honest
with you, I just...

They get you to join
these health clubs,

'cause they always
have these signs up,

like Heather Locklear,
half-naked... "Join up!"

And I never met
a beautiful girl.

You know who is meet?

Is, like, these naked guys
in a locker room,

and for some reason,
guys in a gym locker room.

Are, like, casual naked guys.

"Hi, I'm Bob, I'm naked.

This is Bill, he's naked.

This is Buck, Buck naked.

Let's stop by the steam
room and chat nakedly."

So I go, you know,
in the steam room,

and, man, I always sit
across from some guy.

With his knees in
different time zones,

chatting like nothing
unusual is going...

"Hey, it's hot in here."

And I'm like,
"Hey, hey, hey!"

At one point, years ago, I was
in a group therapy session,

and they were going
around the circle,

and everyone had
to tell their problems,

and they were telling these
terrible, terrible problems.

Of being abused and
being this and that.

And when they got to me,
and my problems was,

"Well, I'm really successful,
and I'm really rich,

and I'm really famous,

and I just... I don't know
how to deal with it."

And everyone hated me,

and I basically got
kicked out of the group.

Huh.

You're in a tough spot...
Who do you trust?

Everybody wants
something from you.

Do you trust me?

Not really, no.

See, I think that has to be.

A starting point in
our relationship,

and there's a very
simple exercise you can do.

I want you to stand
up in front of me.

With your arms
out at your sides,

and I want you to
fall backwards...

What?

Into my arms... in the process,
I will earn your trust.

Oh, the trust fall?

I actually learned
this game in college.

I was in what they used to
call encounter groups,

and there was a woman in
the group who never spoke,

and the instructor finally
asked her why,

and she points
to me, and she says,

"I don't trust him."

He says, "Look, there's
an exercise you can do."

"I want you to stand
in front of Jonathan,

and I want you to fall
backwards into his arms.

In the process, he will
earn your trust."

Did you catch her?

Well, actually,
about six years later,

she wheels up to me
at a convention...

Whoops, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.

Okay, bye.