03x21 - Blind Date

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, dad, how you doing?
- I'm okay.

Can I get your ear for a minute?

You got it.

- Can I tug on your ear?
- Be gentle.

You got a second, right?

Listen, I'm wondering,
tomorrow night

I've set aside some special time

for the two of us to have a...
Maybe a private time,

a dinner, perhaps, maybe a
slight celebration of sorts.

What exactly are we celebrating?

- You don't know?
- I'm looking at my calendar.

I don't see anything in there.

- Think ten years back...
- Oh, that's right.

...from tomorrow.

That's when your voice changed.

No, dad, it's the anniversary
of your divorce

and the breakup of our family.

So tomorrow I'm
thinking of planning a dinner,

and I'm gonna start today.

I'm gonna start cooking
a nice stew,

and then I'm gonna ruin it.

Oh, as sort of a symbol.
Yeah.

Or maybe I'll make a nice soup

with all the fresh
ingredients, very organic,

and then I'll ruin it!

Hey, you are one
sentimental kid.

Yeah, well, it's just a thought.

Do you wanna do this at home
or would you rather go out?

I think it would be more
symbolic if we do it at home,

sit at separate tables.

I see what you mean.

So you're on...
It's a date.

I appreciate it.

I think it'll be fun.

We don't... wait a minute,

we do spend a lot of
time together.

Hey, Laura, right?

What?

Yeah, I'm a little early.

- How's it going?
- Fine.

New earring...
I like your earrings.

Hey, y'know, have you ever...

I mean, you model, right?

Ah-ha-ha.

Could you sit down?

All right, I'll just wait.

Look, my sister just
had a baby, doc.

Check it out... I just
became an uncle. Cute.

He's such a beautiful kid.

I went to the store... I wanted
to get him a little present...

He's six months old,

so I got him a little
blue sailor's suit,

y'know, like kids wear,
with the shorts and the ribbon

and the little blue
sailor hat, right?

And I'm paying for it
at the counter, right?

Lady behind the counter
puts it in a box.

She looked at me,
and she actually said to me,

"Is this a gift?"

"No, I'm gonna wear it out.

Yeah, I got a job
interview in an hour,

so hurry up before I make
doodie-caca in my diaper,

you freak of nature."

You told her.

I love kids so much, man.

My little cousin Matthew is
the cutest kid in the world.

I took him out to lunch
the other day.

I said, "Matthew,
how old are you now?"

He goes, "six."

I go, "If you could be any age",

what age
would you be?"

He goes, "seven."

I go, "Why only
six or seven?"

He goes,
"It's the only ones I know."

I go, "What about
eight or nine?"

He goes, "What the hell
is your problem?"

Oh, man, I'm getting old.

I went to try
to buy a new needle

for my record player.

I might as well have said,

"Excuse me, do you
guys sell cannonballs?

"I'm fresh out of cannonballs
for my cannon outside.

Can you make it quick?

The British are coming,
the British are coming!"

I love music, man.

I used to go out with a girl

who worked for a record company.

That is the coolest job
in the world.

After our first date,

she sent me a whole bunch
of new CDs in the mail.

Oh, great.

Now I just have to take
her out three more times

in the next five years.

When we stopped last time,

you were starting to tell me
about your grandfather,

about growing up with him.

Yeah, my grandfather
on my mother's side.

Yeah, he was a nut.

My grandfather
actually raised me.

We were best friends,
we were very close.

But you ever notice this?

Sometimes when you live
with older people,

they kinda have
a language all their own.

You have to translate
all the time.

I remember watching
TV with my grandfather.

He's like, "Put on that show
I like, Oscar and Bunky."

"Starsky & Hutch?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

So it was two single guys
living in a house together.

I once made the mistake of
letting my grandfather

fix me up on a blind date.

You ever been on a blind date?

Yes, I have.

The worst night of my life.

I get all dressed up,
I pick this girl up...

Heinous.

That was her name, Heinous.

I get to her building
and she opens the door...

I took one look...

I did like a buckwheat,
you know?

I'm trying to be
nice, make conversation.

I'm like, "So, Heinous,
I was just admiring

that infected fingernail."

She had this mole with
hair growing out of it.

It was, like, talking to me
the whole time, y'know?

"Wa bah!
Wa bah!

Wah!"

Tell him, tell him, tell him.

No.

Stan, I'm not...
I don't know if I...

First of all, I don't even
know if I want it...

Now is a good time...
Go, go, go, go.

No!

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, hey, hi.

What's up? There's something.
Nothing.

Stanley's just...

Julie has something she
really would like to impart.

- Go ahead.
- No, I don't.

What is this all about?

All right, all right, all right.

A good friend of
Julie's came to town,

and, you know, I think there
might be a little

quelque chose
between the two of you.

You might wanna give her a buzz.

What between the two of us?

Something, y'know, a little
feeling, a little "rawr."

Wait, wait, wait a second.

First of all, let's start
with the basics.

What's her name?

- Her name's Beth.
- Beth.

So what's she like?

Hey, now you're talking,
that's the spirit.

Well, she's smart and she's cute

and she makes
all her own clothes.

I met her earlier today
and she's great.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

I gave you a terrific buildup,

so you're preapproved, if you
hear what I'm saying.

Well, that was nice
of you, Stanley.

I also... I told her your
nickname was scootch.

Why would you do that?

I panicked, y'know?

But she liked it...
You're in.

She's cute.

She makes all her own clothes.

Have we mentioned that?
Yeah, a couple of times.

I've known her for a long time,

and, I guess, I just was
thinking nice dinner somewhere?

Does she wrestle?

Hey, listen,
I have some bad news.

You know the plans we made
for tomorrow night,

the little celebration...

Yeah, I'm looking
forward to it... I can't wait.

Well, I'm afraid
we're gonna have to

push that back to another night,

because I actually
have a date tomorrow night.

Date?

- Like, with a woman?
- Yeah.

- Get out!
- No, I'm serious.

- Get out!
- Serious, Ben.

Move over, kittens,

the cat man is back on
the prowl, huh?

Rawr!

Ben, it is one date...
Calm down.

So who is she?

- Is it Sarah from the bakery?
- No.

Susan from doughnuts,
doughnuts, doughnuts?

No.

Andrea at the pastry palace?

Ben, I don't know
any of these women!

I'm just making them up.

Dad, I just love bakeries.

But she's a lawyer,
makes her own clothes,

sounds wonderful.

- Makes her own clothes?
- Yeah.

What does that mean?

It means that rather
than purchasing them

at an outlet or a store,

she actually gets the fabric.

That's a lie.
It's a skill.

What do you mean she
makes her own clothes?

Is that code for something else?

No, it's just
what it sounds like.

She goes to the store,
buys fabric,

comes home, and turns it into

this wonderful garment,
supposedly.

What do you mean
"She goes to the store,

buys fabric, comes home,

turns it into a wonderful
garment"?

Is that code for something?

I guess it's code for something

'cause nobody does that.

So what you're
really saying is...

Got a drinking problem.
Gotcha.

I had a good day today.

What is a good day for you?

When I'm doing my laundry

and I get that
lint screen off in one piece.

Right.

Doesn't that feel good?

I have to run
and show my neighbor.

"Look, look!

Don't touch...
It's very fragile.

It's thick... I did
towels today.

I live next door."

So, you know, Thanksgiving...

I don't think I can go home
for it again this year.

Last year was
just too upsetting.

I just have too many
upsetting memories.

You know, my mom
used to save everything

from Thanksgiving for weeks.

I mean, she threw out
none of the food.

I remember she used to
send me to school wearing

a Turkey-carcass vest.

It was so humiliating.

She saves everything.

My mother saves aluminum foil.

She actually
washes out aluminum foil

and hangs it up to dry.

Her laundry room looks like
darth vader's house.

Well, that's... that stuff
you can save forever.

It was embarrassing.

I was in school... all the
other kids had lunch boxes.

My sandwich was in a
PanAm air sick bag.

It makes it tough to
trade food with your friends.

Anyway, he's a dad.

My boyfriend's a dad
and he has two kids.

They're have Swedish
and half Norwegian.

They're see-through.

I have never seen
blonder children in my life.

Last time you were talking about

how much you loved kids,
being with kids.

Um, I used to substitute-teach
the second grade.

Those kids were horrible.

That's a tough age.

All day they're saying to me,

"Susan doesn't do it
that way."

"Susan lets us play."

"Susan lets us
chew gum."

"Susan's prettier than you."

"Oh, really?

Well, Susan's dead.

Nah-nah, nah-nah-nah."

Laura, I need your honest
opinion on something.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, on second thought,
you could sugarcoat it.

What do you think
of this sweater?

I mean, is this good?

Is this a fun look for me?

Well, it's fun for me.

Better in or out?

Oh, in, definitely in.

One more thing... could you
pick out a restaurant

for me and this
woman to go to tonight?

Someplace romantic.

I mean, if somebody
was gonna ask you out...

Please, Dr. Katz, no more.

I just need a recommendation
for a nice restaurant.

No idea.

Well, could you look one up
in the yellow pages?

Could you help me
find a good restaurant?

Mmm.

What are you doing?

Calling my lawyer.

Dr. Katz, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

I don't think I've ever seen you

lying on the couch like that.

Well, you know what...
I'm just...

I'm just trying to
reflect on something here.

Does it help to do that?

When I'm on the couch,
I sort of get in the same mode

that my patients, hopefully,
get in.

Do you want me to sit
in the chair

and doodle a little
and pretend to care?

Yeah, thanks,
I think that would help.

My sister, who I love dearly,
has a doberman pinscher.

I love dogs...
You should know that, okay?

But I hate her dog 'cause he
snaps at me all the time.

He's as mean as can be, right?

So now whenever my sister goes
to work during the day,

I call up her answering machine,

leave the dogs messages
to make him crazy.

"Come on, boy,
wanna go for a walk?

Where's the leash?
Come on, baby.

Who's at the door?

Go see who's at the door.

Meow.

Ruff.

Sit!"

So, doc, every time
I call up your office

and your receptionist...
What's her name?

Laura.

When she's not there,
your answering...

What's with your message?

"Leave your name
and number."

Doc, does anybody
not know what to do?

Are people leaving other
data instead?

"Hey, doc,
call me back right away.

My address is 1535 Broadway,
my favorite food is corn."

How about this...
You ever hear this one?

"Speak clearly after
the tone."

I used to let my grandfather...
'Cause we lived together,

so I used to let him make
the answering-machine message.

You ever hear an


make an
answering-machine message?

"How the hell does this
thing..." Beep.

He played high-school
football, my grandfather,

back in the days of leather
helmets and no face mask.

- Remember those guys, doc?
- Sure.

He was so proud.

He used to tell me
these stories all the time.

"I was starting fullback
for the Newark Maulers."

"Couldn't afford
uniforms back then."

"Used to shave our numbers
into the hair on our backs."

"We were the toughest team
in the league."

"Our motto was
'Mottos are for sissies.'"

so it's just not gonna
work out tonight,

because something
came up at the last minute,

and my apologies to Beth,

and my apologies to you,
because you had laid...

Done the legwork.

Wait, slow down a minute.

You know, I'm not
gonna lie to you...

It's okay, it's okay.

The truth of the matter is

I'm having surgery tomorrow
and it's...

- Jon.
- Yes.

It's okay, because,
you know, Beth...

Just a procedure
that I wasn't anticipating.

Are you really having
surgery tomorrow?

I'm having my bangs removed.

Dr. Katz' office.

Yes, who am I speaking with?

Hi, Ben.

Hey... who am I
speaking with?

Ben, what are you doing?

- It's a nice day, huh?
- Um-hmm.

Is it?

I haven't looked yet.

I'm curled up in a ball

in the corner of
the kitchen, crying,

so there's no way for me to see

what's happening outside.

Well, then I better let
you go then.

But I've been thinking
this thing through, Julie,

and what's the best thing
that could happen?

She lives in the Midwest.

You know, I'm not...

It's, it's... and I'm just
leading her on.

This is nuts.

I think you should
just take it easy,

'cause Beth actually called.

She can't make it.

Tonight doesn't really
work for her, I guess.

She can't make it
is what you're saying.

Right, she can't make it.

Something must have come up
at the last minute.

Yeah, I don't know.

She wants to keep her options
open, play the field.

I thought you said you
couldn't make it, though.

I mean, what do you want here?

You wanna go
or you don't wanna go?

That's what I'm saying...

I wanna go, I don't wanna go.

I'm torn, I'm conflicted,
but, uh, what...

Let me ask you this...
What time did she tell you?

She just called about
five minutes ago.

So technically, I had
already decided

I didn't wanna
go through with it,

so she didn't really
blow me off.

Will you give her my apologies

for canceling on such
short notice?

Yes.

Listen, Laura, I have just
a quick question for you.

Would you be at
all interested in

maybe going out on a
blind date with me?

On a blind date?

Yeah, a blind date with me...
M-o-i, me.

Ben, how can I go on
a blind date with you

if I already know who you are?

Um, because.

Oh, okay.

What if we just
don't go out on...

We don't call it a date,

but we'll go out and get a
couple of haircuts together.

What do you say?

I mean, we could sit
next to each other

in the barber chairs.

We could talk to each other
through the mirrors,

and then it's not
an actual date, but...

And in the end, I'll pay,
you tip.

What do you say?

No.

- Dr. Katz?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna be leaving
a little early today.

Y'know, maybe if you need to
leave early today,

which is okay with me,

maybe you could
make up for that time

by coming in a little
early tomorrow

or staying late tomorrow,

just so it sort of evens out
by the end of the week.

You put in the 40-hour
week that I pay you for.

That's my only concern.

But if you... Laura?

Laura?

You know, dad,
I have thought of a good way

to meet women, though...
- How's that?

...for you,
if you're having trouble.

Open an inn.

Well, meeting women
is not the issue.

It's meeting them again.

The truth, Ben.

This, to me, is a much
better evening

than the one I had planned.

You say that now
because you're here, but...

No, I actually am...

I've been looking
forward to this.

What happened to the...

I called it off because
she lives in the Midwest.

I don't wanna get involved
with somebody

who lives 2,000 miles away.

You don't want a long-distance
relationship. It's not fair to her.

Dad, maybe you're just...

Maybe you made too big
a deal out of it.

It just could have been a date.

You were thinking bringing up...

No, it's never that simple,

because I know the way
my mind works

and the way that my heart works.

Essentially, the heart pumps
blood to the head.

I don't want this talk again.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

Let's have a toast.

A toast to you and mom
and what could have been.

I'll drink to that, Ben.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To the pain, dad.
- What pain?

The pain I felt in
the pit of my stomach

every day the first three years

after you and mom split up, huh?

Oh, oh, that pain.

Ben, maybe we should
slow down on the toasts.

You don't have to drink every
time, dad, you know?

You can just do the toast,

click the glasses, don't drink.

I'll try that.
All right.

To you and mom splitting up.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You could have
not toasted to that.

Dad, to the United States Navy.

They do a hell of a job, huh?

I'll toast to the Navy.

Cheers.

To you and mom...
You gave it your best sh*t.

Well, that's beautiful,
Ben, thank you.

And here's to you...
A great son and a nice date.

That's nice.

Hey, is that your foot?

So I know this might
come as a shock to you,

but I'm getting married
this year.

Hey, great.

I can't wait to tell him.

You've gotta tell him, Cathy.

And I'm Jewish, you know.

Right.

A lot of people don't
think it's a good idea

to be in a mixed couple.

I think it's... you just
have to love each other.

I think that's what's important.

That's true, you're right.

Yeah, and, I mean,
everybody has arguments.

We do, we have our share,

and they always
start the same way.

I always say things like,
"We never go out anymore."

And he always says things like,

"The holocaust
never happened."

You know how couples pick.

I'd like to get married in
St. Patrick's cathedral

just to annoy my mother.

I just wanna see
the look on her face

when I eat that wafer.

My father would be asking
for seconds on the host.

"Mmm, this is good.

What is this?
Host?

Get some host when
you go shopping next time."

My dad's a C.P.A.,

and like every
C.P.A. I know,

he's the most factious,
meticulous,

a**l-retentive person.

Really, if you ever meet my dad

and you wanna t*rture him,
this is what you do...

You tie him
against a wall like this,

and then right in front of him,

you refold
a road map incorrectly.

He just twitches a little bit,
and then he passes out.

My aunt is always,
like, Hawking me

to go out with
Jewish women, you know?

And it's like every time she
meets one of my girlfriends,

she wants to know
if she's Jewish,

but she doesn't wanna come
out and ask me, you know?

She's, like, more subtle.

She's like, "I didn't
catch her last name, dear."

Well, Jeffrey, this is
what old women like to do.

They like to fix people up.

Her friends in the building,

the old ladies who live there,
they're so adorable,

her little
card-playing buddies.

They're always like...

It's a harsh word,
but it fits...

They're always pimping off
their granddaughters on me,

you know what I mean?

"You should meet my Angela.

She's a law student
and beautiful!"

I'm like,
"What do you mean, beautiful?

Describe her to me."

"Well, she's not
a hunchback."

Sometimes they get desperate.

They give me
the hard sell, you know?

"Oh, you should meet my Marie,

not much to look at,

but she'll bop on
your schmeckle, boy."

Doc, I'm kind of embarrassed.

I wrote a love poem.

- Can I try it on you?
- Sure, go ahead.

It's a poem about a guy
who gets dumped by a girl,

and he just can't seem to
get on with his life.

It's called,
"Either she screens her calls

or she hasn't been home
since 1985."

Hmm.

"Hello, pick up the phone.

I know you're home.

I'll just
call back later."

What do you think?

Whoops... you know what
the music means.

You hear music?

I thought that was in my head.

Oh, thank god.