Hey, dad.
What do you... what do you
think of these pants, hmm?
Too tight?
Well, they're not
tight around the ankle.
I'm just thinking about a
change of style, you know?
Yeah, do you have a plan?
I mean, you wanna...
You wanna change?
I think it starts with the look.
It starts with the clothes.
Then you can go
underneath the clothes.
Yeah, but I think you should
make a choice about the pants.
You should either get 'em
all the way on
or take 'em off,
because this half... this
open-at-the-waist thing...
It's kind of a style
in itself, dad.
Y'know, half on, half off.
Is it uncomfortable to
zip them all the way up
and button them?
Is it too tight?
- Yeah, it's a little
bit tight.
- Yeah.
Dad, I know you're gonna
think it's superficial
to use accessories
to develop a personality,
but you gotta start
somewhere, y'know?
What about a cane, hmm?
- A walking stick?
- I don't think so.
A white linen suit, hmm?
- A white linen suit is nice.
- Really?
But it's seasonal.
You can't wear it
before Memorial Day.
Why all the rules?
That's the thing about fashion.
There are all
these rules that...
That's the thing...
I'm gonna break the rules.
I'm gonna wear linen
off-season.
What about just a nervous tick?
- Just like a twitch?
- Yeah.
What if I just developed
really bad allergies, huh?
Always had an inhaler
and a drippy nose?
Yeah, those are all gimmicks.
Those are all contrivances,
those are...
Maybe a parrot and a peg leg.
I could be very popular just
in this neighborhood.
And I could walk around
and call everyone "Cap'n."
Morning, cap'n.
That's not a good idea.
Good morning, cap'n.
Yeah, did you wanna see me?
Yes, Laura, I need your
opinion on something.
Oh, Dr. Katz,
I really wish you didn't.
Well, I was thinking about
rearranging the furniture,
and I thought that
you might have some ideas.
No.
Well, tell me what you think
if I was to put
the couch over here
and the desk over there.
Just see what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Well, I think that it's good,
but when you open the drawer,
you're gonna hit
the patient in the head.
You know what...
You're right.
But that could be good.
Hi, I'm Kevin Nealon.
I have a 2:00
with Dr. Katz.
Mm-hmm.
Is he usually pretty busy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, thank you very much.
I know I'm a little late.
I was caught in traffic
out here and, uh...
Could you take a seat, please?
Okay, do I need to
fill out any forms?
I don't know.
- He has them?
- No.
Okay, 'cause I never
filled anything out.
Maybe your last therapist
sent them over.
I've never been to
another therapist.
Maybe he got it from my dentist.
Maybe.
So he has my dental charts?
Yeah.
That'll help.
Oh, yeah.
I've been married six years.
You know, I got married
after a two-year...
I wanna say argument...
Engagement, engagement.
But I had dated enough,
and then I finally met that
miss right, you know?
Miss always right.
And I thought that was the one.
Yeah, it's difficult.
I met my wife at a
costume party one Halloween.
She came as a slinky.
That was her outfit.
And I remember
the first time I saw her.
Oh, she was coming down
the stairs, y'know?
She was amazing.
She was like taking
two at a time.
She was pretty good.
And we got to talking, and it
turns out that she works
as a stunt woman in Hollywood,
which is very
convenient for me...
Like after a date, when I went
to drop her off,
I didn't have to
stop the car or anything.
Y'know, right by her house
and she was gone.
The trip to Hawaii
was just fantastic.
Great.
Stayed in this cute
little hotel.
They even put me in
the honeymoon suite.
It was the only room available.
I was staying with
a nice couple from Nebraska.
I got some good sh*ts
on that trip.
Good pictures.
And I found this
beautiful beach, too.
It was, like, right on
the water.
Sounds wonderful.
Oh, it was just incredible.
And I went out on
a whale-watching boat.
The captain even let me
steer the ship.
That was fun.
I wasn't crazy about
sitting on his lap,
but I did okay.
I like cold weather.
In the winter I like to
sleep with my windows open
with a lot of blankets.
That's cozy...
I like to do that.
And then in the summer I like
to crank the air conditioner
all the way up,
open up the windows,
and then sleep out in
the backyard.
You get that draft
coming out of the house.
Oh, baby, that's nice.
I like the winter.
I tried cross-country skiing
last winter.
That is a tough
sport right there.
Here's a little tip, if you're
gonna try it:
Start off with a small country,
and go the width,
not the length.
And Chile's
a good beginner's country,
'cause it's only
about this wide.
I get older...
I don't know what it is.
I don't have the drive
I used to have.
I don't...
The big thing in this country...
You've gotta be number one, man.
Everybody's gotta be number one.
"Woo, number one!
We're number one!"
I don't know.
It's just gotten to a point
where it's ridiculous now.
You watch a football game...
There's always the camera on
some big fat guy in the stands,
drinking a beer, sticking his
finger in the camera.
"We're number one!"
Well, you're a little confused.
See, they're number one.
You're fat and drunk.
Do you see
the difference at all?
I don't wanna be first...
I don't.
I tried to be first.
It just didn't
work out for me, so...
You know what I wanna be?
I wanna be next.
Yeah, I wanna be next.
I like the feeling
of being next.
- Do you know
that feeling?
- Sure.
When the guy
in front of you in line
suddenly moves up,
and you realize,
"All right, I'm next!"
Hey, Laura.
Take a sweet look at sweet me.
Sweetie, how are you, sweets?
- Don't say that.
- I'm sorry.
It's a new way of talking.
Just add "sweet" to everything.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm trying to
perk up a little bit.
I think sometimes I'm a downer.
Plus, it's, y'know,
the nervous tension here.
Phew... I screwed up, huh,
didn't I?
Is there a reason
why you're here?
I just stopped by to
show myself off.
I'm like a thoroughbred.
I need to be seen.
If it were the old days,
I'd be brought around
in a train, in a cage.
- I'd be...
- Ben, Ben...
I'd go through all the cities
and a guy would bring me out
with a collar and a chain
and I'd be half nude,
and he'd say,
"Look at the freak!"
No, I'm kidding.
Do you have kids, doctor?
Yes, I have a son.
Yeah.
My... y'know, my wife and I
waited to have the kids,
and so we...
So my wife and I had a plan.
She wanted to do natural
childbirth, natural.
Our plan was she was gonna
go into the delivery room,
squat in the corner,
have the baby, then go finish
her shift in the rice fields.
That was our plan.
My wife was in labor
for 30 hours... 30.
At the end of the 30 hours,
the doctor came to me and said,
"Jack, we had a problem."
"Really?
Yeah, 'cause I hadn't figured
that out myself while I was
watching the Today show
for the second time."
And he decides to do
a c-section after 30 hours.
A c-section... this doctor who'd
been so laid-back for 30 hours,
saying, "Let her have the baby."
"It's a natural process,
let her have the baby."
Now he starts screaming,
"Get a surgeon on the phone.
Prep her up here.
Book an operating room.
I want her
downstairs in a half-hour."
He whips around to me,
and he says, "You!
Put on a surgical gown!
Meet us downstairs!"
"Me?
What, are you,
like, one guy short?
What, did somebody
call in sick?
I'm a comedian!"
Then they cut her open.
They cut my...
I watched them cut her open.
I've never seen this.
I've known my wife for
- Never seen her cut open.
- Right.
She was lying down.
She had a little white curtain
in front of her face
she couldn't
see what's happening.
I could see both sides.
Here she's smiling at me,
here they've cut her open.
She keeps saying to me,
"What are they doing?"
"I'm not gonna tell you
what they're doing."
They pulled it out,
and the doctor said,
"It's a boy!"
And I said,
"Honey, it's a boy!"
And then I looked, and I got
confused for a second
because of that umbilical cord.
I thought, "Whoa!
That's no boy!
That's a man!"
The second one's easier.
That first one, I was a mess.
The second one...
Boy, I'm relaxed.
The second one's completely
different.
The second one's
in the car right now.
Yeah, I cracked a window.
I'm going out right
after this... he's fine.
The first one, I actually
signed up at the hospital
for a class on how to
give the baby a bath.
Yeah, the nurse came in
and said,
"We're gonna give
a class on bathing the baby
down in the nurses' lounge.
Better hurry...
Space is limited!
Okay."
I said to my wife, "Sign up,
sign up for the class."
I signed up... we went.
It was like they
sucked the brain
right out of my head.
It never occurred to me
that I've taken
several thousand baths myself,
and I could just apply
that knowledge to the baby.
My wife is totally into
the breast-feeding...
Completely.
She got one of
those nursing bras.
Have you seen those?
- I have, yes.
- Yeah.
It's got a snap on the cup.
Yeah, the cup...
Pop... opens right up.
Hey, where have these been?
I spent 17 years with
my hand behind her back.
What is that?
A button, a staple?
A little help here!
For him...
Enjoy yourself!
Oh, that's fair.
Anyway, do you notice
anything different about me?
No.
That's kind of why I came here.
I wanted to... I have sort of
a new image today.
I'm constantly changing.
I'm like a chameleon.
So I wanted to see
if you noticed.
It's pretty obvious.
- Do you want me to
step closer?
- No.
Here, let me turn
sideways for profile.
Ben, just tell me what it is.
Look at the ear,
like around the ear area.
Are you wearing an earring?
Yes! Huh?
What do you think?
Pretty sexy, huh?
There's something covering it.
What is that?
That's the tape.
The tape?
It's a tape-on.
Oh, a tape-on.
Yeah, they don't make
clip-ons anymore.
- Wow.
- You gotta do it yourself.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey, Ben.
How you doing?
Um, Ben, you got
tape on your ear.
Oh, that's... you noticed.
Yes.
Well, it's not just tape, dad.
It's partially tape.
And take a closer look
underneath the tape.
What is that?
Is that an infection?
It's an earring!
It's a... yeah.
Hey, you're not
rebelling, are you?
Against what?
Ha... that's true.
I don't have time for that, dad.
This is just a look
you're experimenting with?
Remember we were
talking this morning
about finding a new image
for me, your son, Ben?
And this is until you find one?
This is part of a
new-and-improved Ben,
a Ben for the people.
I like the old Ben.
I want my old Ben back.
I thought the old Ben
was all right,
but I'm telling you...
You gotta change
with the times...
Can I be...
Can I be brutally...
Do you want my honest opinion?
Um, is that the one where
my feelings get hurt?
I'm afraid so.
Well, what other sort of
opinions do you have?
Any real softer ones?
I just don't know if an earring
is the right look for you.
Remember how you felt when
we went out to a restaurant
two, three years ago,
and I had the rug?
Yeah, that bothered me.
Because your father
was trying to what?
Compensate for having no hair.
Yes.
And now my son
is trying to what?
Compensate for having no ears.
You're a grown man.
I just don't
know why you wanna...
Why you wanna sabotage
yourself this way.
Dad, I've got my hands up here
and that means stop.
I'm gonna get the earring,
and I'm gonna
get it tomorrow morning.
Appointment at 9:30 A.M.
Yeah, remind me to
set your alarm for 10:00.
I'm not gonna sleep through
this one, dad.
You can't pull that trick on me.
Okay, I'm putting my hands up.
- No, it doesn't mean stop.
- Oh.
A different meaning,
same gesture.
What does it mean?
Look how clean my hands are.
Oh, okay.
I really don't like
confrontations,
so I avoid them at all costs,
and I always give the benefit
of the doubt.
Like the other day I was
stopped at an intersection
and a car came up and tapped
into my bumper.
And like I said,
I hate confrontations,
so I gave him the benefit
of the doubt.
I thought, "Okay, he just
tapped into my bumper."
Sure.
Well, the next thing I know,
he's pushing me
through the intersection,
and I thought, "Okay,
he's just pushing me
through the intersection."
Well, we get about
and I thought, "Okay, we're
just 5 miles down the road.
That's all right."
But you can go through
your whole life like that
and never take a stand.
So this is why I've made
these moral decisions,
and I think I'm
a better person for it.
Hi, Laura, it's...
I know who it is.
The calls are coming
closer together.
Yeah, same guy, different booth.
- How are you doing?
- Fine.
- Hanging in there?
- Yeah.
Hang in there, baby.
Do you wanna talk to your dad?
- Yeah, is he available?
- No.
He's with a patient.
He'll be out in about an hour.
Do you wanna call back?
No, no, no, I can stay and chat.
I'm at the mall.
I've got my appointment to
get my ear pierced
and I'm just... there's a...
There's a brief hold-up.
Where did you get yours pierced?
I'm just wondering...
Maybe I should...
I'm just starting
to get second thoughts
about this particular outlet.
'Cause it's
called "Bloody ears."
That's not a good sign.
And I'll tell you something...
That's no way to advertise.
But I spoke to the manager,
and he seemed to be
very reassuring.
Okay.
What was his name?
Dr. Festerpus.
Yeah, I have four cats.
I did have a dog once,
and I was going to send him
to obedience school,
but he said, "No."
But the cats are...
I take 'em with me
a lot of places,
and I'll smuggle
them onto the plane,
'cause you're only allowed to
bring one on, actually,
so I have four,
so I'll smuggle them on,
and it's uncomfortable.
It's stressful.
What I do is I put them
in a balloon
and I swallow them,
and then I crap 'em out later.
So it's stressful
for me and for the cats,
but it's worth it.
Are you getting cold feet?
- About the piercing?
- Yeah.
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
That's it...
Take it back right now.
Y'know, I'll hold.
Ben, you're stalling.
- I'm not stalling.
- You're stalling.
What does that expression
mean... "stalling"?
That's a silly thing too.
I got my ears pierced
when I was 10.
Did you go south of the border?
- No, pediatrician.
- Is that legal?
Yes.
That's a little early,
a little premature to get...
And, y'know...
Well, you know,
it's a cultural thing.
Where are you from, the islands?
I gotta go, Ben.
Ben told me that he wants
to get his ear pierced.
Oh, boy.
Oh, I think that's great.
- You think it's great?
- Yeah!
He got it pierced already?
- He has it taped on.
- Oh, boy.
Well, Jonathan, he's just a kid.
I mean, you were young once,
and you probably did
some crazy things, right?
Oh, sure, when I was in college,
I had my tubes tied.
But that's... y'know,
everybody was doing it then.
Yeah... no, but didn't you...
Katz, didn't you
go to Woodstock?
That was the plan,
but I was worried about
the parking.
Oh, yeah.
Well, what about all
the, y'know, all the sex?
Yeah, and all the dr*gs?
I was worried about the parking.
Why?
Are we talking about
the same Woodstock?
Hey, Ben.
Hey, dad.
Hey, hey, I'm looking...
I don't see any earring.
Oh, you... oh, yeah,
yeah, you noticed.
What happened?
Well, I didn't...
I was down at the mall
and I sort of got caught up
doing other things there.
I didn't quite have enough time
to get the earring put in.
Is that really
what happened, Ben?
No, no.
Is it "Why didn't
I listen to you
in the first place, dad" time?
I think you might have put
some ideas in my head
and you made me think twice.
Maybe I planted a seed,
but you watered it.
It grew in your garden.
I helped it grow.
You nurtured it.
I talked to it.
- You nourished it.
- I gave it the necessary
sunlight.
- Hmm?
- Yep.
Y'know, but just because
I didn't get the earring
doesn't mean I'm not gonna
change my image.
I mean, I did get this.
Hey, looks great, cap'n.
It's a raccoon cap!
Ben, that's seasonal.
Man, it itches.
Yeah, I'm allergic to raccoon.
But, y'know, when I take it off,
it leaves a great rash.
What do you think
I wear this around?
Do you know how many
raccoons d*ed
to make that one hat?
- Do you know that?
- No, I don't.
One raccoon.
Oh, really?
Yeah, that's no so bad a ratio.
I guess that's true.
It's good business sense.
You know how to tell if a
raccoon is rabid, by the way?
Um...
Poke him in the eye.
Oh, no, that's how you make
a venetian blind.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, dad.
No, they shouldn't
be out in the daytime
unless they're sick.
That's right,
unless you're wearing one.
I don't go out in
the day either.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm a creature of the night.
I can tell I'm...
You know how I can tell
I'm getting old?
Getting out of bed.
I can't get right out of bed
in the morning.
I used to be able to get...
When I was 18 or 19, two steps,
two steps to getting out of bed.
You throw back the covers,
you're out of the bed.
Now there's three steps.
Have you noticed
this in your life?
Yeah, now there's like
a middle step inserted.
I throw back the covers,
and then I actually sit
on the side of the bed
for a couple of minutes,
just kind of thinking,
"Whoo, whose house is this?"
You know, wow.
And I wake up sore.
I'm sore from sleeping.
That's a good sign, huh?
Boy, that laying in
one spot for eight hours...
That'll wear you out.
Did you ever wake up and you
move your head around
and there's stuff
snapping in your neck?
What's that?
'Cause there's gotta be a
finite number of those things.
When's the last one gonna snap?
You're just gonna...
Boom.
"Oh, jeez, oh, that's great.
I think I stripped it."
That's why I like coming to
your office, doctor.
'Cause it's not
like a regular...
When I go into
a regular doctor's office,
it's intimidating.
They like to
intimidate you... they do!
They leave you in there
a long time.
That's why I like
when I come here,
y'know... boom... I'm in,
you're there, we talk.
They leave you in that
doctor's room a long time.
You notice you never get
all the way naked?
Have you ever noticed that?
You always leave your watch
and your socks on.
You don't want the doctor
thinking you're hot for him.
You ever play with
the equipment?
You ever try to give yourself
that blood-pressure test?
No, I never have, no.
Do you ever get up to that
thing on, strapped up,
and pump that?
Get it all pumped up,
then you can't figure out
how to release the pressure?
"Agh, hey!
Hey, a little
help in here!"
You have a big purple,
bulging appendage.
"Help me, help me!"
Uh, boy, you know,
I gotta tell you...
As I get older, I'm glad that
I was born in this era,
because I'm kind of
a wimp, you know?
I mean, I don't wanna fight.
There are still guys
my age that wanna fight.
If somebody cuts me off in
the car on the street
and I beep at 'em, they're
going, "Come on, come on!"
They wanna fight me.
Like that's gonna fix it up.
I saw that Braveheart movie.
- Did you see that?
- Yeah.
They're all fighting
each other with sticks.
They would line up
hundreds of guys,
thousands, and then
thousands on the other side,
with sticks and paint.
You know what I thought while
I was watching that movie?
I would be so far back
in that pack of people.
I would be the guy in
the back, going,
"Go ahead, 'cause I'm
gonna get coffee ready,
'cause when you're
done hitting,
you're gonna be thirsty.
Go!
Did I drop my keys?
Did I drop...
Go ahead, fellas.
Because when I get up there
with my stick,
I want the last guy
on the other side standing
to look add me and go,
"eh, eh, forget it."
My father, though, was...
I've always got along
well with my father.
That's great.
Sometimes he'd lose his temper,
and he'd get very angry,
but he would control it.
He would just
slowly count to 100.
Then he would lift my head up
out of the water.
I went to see a
professional basketball game,
the first one I've ever been to,
not too long ago.
And you know they
play full court?
Yeah, the professionals, sure.
Yeah.
I read that a long time ago
basketball courts
used to be carpeted,
and then somebody found out
that there was some
beautiful hardwood floors
underneath the carpeting,
so they fixed 'em up
and left them that way.
Yeah, it's a much
louder game now,
but a little more exciting.
Less rug burns.
But it takes me a while,
when I get up in the morning...
It's like a computer.
You have to be booted up.
I think people should
wake up normally, naturally,
and that's when they should
show up to work or school.
And if they're late,
it's no big deal, y'know?
Or they should have an
alarm clock
that wakes you up gradually.
A human voice that maybe says,
"Come on, buddy, get out of bed.
Come on, you got
the whole day ahead of you.
You're looking good.
Come one, get out there.
Come on, it's beautiful out.
You get out of bed.
You get out of bed now
before I kick you out of bed.
I'll kick you out of
here so fast..."
and then you hit
the snooze alarm.
"Okay, buddy... sorry, pal.
Come on, buddy, get out of bed.
You're looking good."
You know, something like that.
I just feel like I'm getting
older, you know?
My gums are
starting to recede now.
You can't tell now 'cause
I comb 'em forward.
But... so it's
tough just finding out
where you stand in life
sometimes, y'know?
But as you get older,
you start realizing that
life is very short.
One minute you're here
and then the next minute...
Y'know, you're still here,
but I live every day like
it's the last day of my life.
Every morning I wake up
real early,
I spend maybe
three hours on the phone,
making funeral arrangements,
and then I just sit back
and I wait,
'cause you really don't
know what's gonna happen.
Whoops... you know what
the music means.
Our time is up.
03x23 - Earring
Watch/Buy Amazon
A therapist struggles with problems of his patients, while dealing with the ones in his personal life.
A therapist struggles with problems of his patients, while dealing with the ones in his personal life.