03x25 - Guess Who

[bunniefuu]

Does this look
familiar to you, Ben?

Oh, wow, Guess who?

That's right... you and I,
we used to play this...

- Guess who? Wow.
- Yeah!

We used to play this when
you were a little guy.

Where'd you find that?

Found it in the linen closet.

When was I a little guy?

Well, briefly.

Since when do we have
a linen closet?

We've always had
the linen closet.

Where the hell am I?

You wanna play one?

Okay... you wanna go first?

Okay.

You remember how this goes?

Yeah, dad, I kinda...
I have a vague memory

of not liking this game.

Just one game, Ben, please.

All right, you pick,
did you shuffle?

I shuffled...
I shuffled, I picked.

You pick a card now.

I picked.

Okay, don't let me see it.

Is your guy... does your
guy wear a hat?

No... you know,
now I remember

why I hated playing this...

All these faces staring at me.

So you know what I'm doing?

I'm flipping down all
the guys with hats.

I know.

Okay, so you go.

Does your guy... is your guy
wearing a hat?

No, my guy isn't
wearing a hat, either.

Okay, flip, flip.

Okay... well,
somebody is ahead.

Does your guy wear glasses?

No.

Why did it take you so long
to answer that question?

Well, because there's
a possibility

he's wearing contacts,
or he needs glasses.

Well, that was not the question.

Okay, he's not wearing
glasses at the moment.

Okay, does your guy have...

Wait, I get to ask.

Oh, that's right,
I'm sorry, I forgot.

Is your guy...
Is he wearing glasses?

No, my guy is not
wearing glasses.

Okay, not wearing glasses.

Also not the greatest question.

Ben, is your guy Franz?

You're just going for the win?

Yeah... have I, in fact,
guessed who your guy is?

You did guess.

Okay.
It's Franz.

Another game?

No... how did you guess,

because there was only two
questions, and all your...

I know, but you
play this for awhile...

It's like a sixth sense,
you know what I mean?

That's not fair,
guessing like that.

Well, what's the name
of the game, Ben?

Guess who?

So I think, without
consulting the rule book,

that I did nothing wrong.

That's the part of
the game I don't like...

The guessing, and the questions,

and the way the board's set up.

Do you like
the flipping them over?

I guess so...
I like the sound.

Admit it.
All right.

Laura, Ben didn't call, did he?

No, Dr. Katz,
he did not call.

Okay.

Do you want me to tell you
when people don't call?

Because I can do that.

No, I was just wondering.

So we'll stick
with the old system.

Okay, as soon as he does call,
will you interrupt me?

What?

If I'm with a patient
or anything,

will you interrupt me?

- For what?
- To talk to Ben.

I know, I'm just kidding.

You like to kid around
with me, don't you, Laura?

I do, I like to have fun.

You okay?

Yeah.

'Cause that sounds
like a nasty cough.

How long have you had that?

A few days.

Well, take care of yourself.

Maybe I should...
Maybe I should go home.

Don't panic, just take care
of yourself.

So, yeah,
I'm Jewish, not serious,

not a serious Jew, obviously.

I don't wear the protective
religious headgear.

Lot of Jews wear that.

My brother actually
wears a yarmulke.

He has a yarmulke
that's knitted...

He's so proud of it... "My
girlfriend made it for me."

That's great... you ever think
she was making you a sweater,

and just thought, "Screw it"?

I travel... I like to travel.

I went to Israel,
which is... I tell you,

boy, they're cocky there...
God was born there,

so there's no
talking to those people.

I mean, I'm from Jersey,
we got Springsteen,

so it's a different thing.

But you get off
the plane in Israel,

and immediately, they're like,
"Welcome to Israel...

The holy land."

I'm like, "Great, I'm from
America, home of the whopper."

It's discouraging,

'cause it's not like
regular Jews over there.

It's not your let-me-help-you-
fill-out-your-tax-forms Jews.

It's the will-you-
hold-my-machine-g*n

while-I-take-a-leak Jews,
they're very tough.

You know, I think the
reason that Jews are bitter

is we have to sit through
all those TV shows

around Christmas, and
they're always the same.

It's always the same show...

"Sorry, Billy, doesn't look like

there's gonna be a Christmas
this year, but wait!"

You know, Jews have holidays.

We've got holidays.

I stay home sometimes,
and I don't even know why.

I just stay home, you know?

We have great holi...
Yom kippur?

Jewish day of atonement.

You don't eat for one day,

all your sin for the year
is wiped clean.

b*at that with your lent...
Is it 40 days?

Even in sin,
they're paying retail.

Yeah.

Bargain with the man...
He's a reasonable man.

I used to remember passover
when I was a kid.

I went to an elementary school

that was all Italian
and Irish, you know?

And I'd show up on passover
with matzo

and a boiled egg
on spaghetti day, you know?

Fitzpatrick twins would be
sitting across from me like,

"What do you gotta eat
them crackers for?"

All I could think was,
"Years ago,

my people were slaves
in the land of Egypt,

and Moses came forth
unto pharaoh and said,

'Let my people go,' and then
we fled through the desert

to the promised land."

"Yeah, what do you gotta
eat them crackers for?"

So, finally, I just, I told
them I had stomach cancer,

and couldn't
have anything spicy.

Last night, I'm playing
this game with Ben,

a board game...

Yeah.

That we used to play
when he was little,

and he was winning,

and then I happened
to see the card

that he was concealing from me

reflected in the TV set, so
I guessed the winning card.

Wait, wait, wait...
What are you telling me here,

you "guessed" the winning card?

You just said you saw it.

I knew it was information

I wasn't supposed
to have quite then.

What are you saying here,
you cheated?

I cheated him at the game,
and I won.

You cheated your son
at a board game?

Yeah, can you keep
it down a little bit?

You cheated your son
at a board game?

Take it up a notch.

You cheated your son
at a board game?

No, really...

Wait.

You saw it and you used it?

Did I just hear you say
you cheated?

You cheated Ben?

Well, what you heard was Stanley

repeating what I had
told him in confidence.

Yeah, but you said it.

Can one of you play
the part of Ben,

so I can rehearse the
confession scene with him?

Sure, I mean, I'll try
my best... go ahead.

Hey, Ben.

Hi, dad.

Uh, you know that game
we played last night?

Yeah.

I cheated.

That's good.

I meant to tell you, I cheated.

I saw the reflection
of your card in the TV.

What are you saying to me?

I'm saying I cheated at
the game, and I'm sorry,

and I hope that you
can forgive me...

Good.

And that I haven't, in any way,
destroyed your trust in me.

My world is crumbling.

I don't think my world
will ever be the same again.

I think I'm gonna k*ll myself.

I think you're being too...
That's too much.

I'm just trying to give him
the worst-case scenario,

you know, 'cause
he's worried about it.

Julie, you wanna
take a s*ab at it?

I don't like his
interpretation of Ben.

I didn't think you would.

Hi, Ben.

Hi, dad.

Ooh.

Son, what an incredibly
sultry voice you have.

Ritch Shydner here for a 1:00
appointment with Dr. Katz.

Mm-hm.

Let me ask you a question.

Does everybody
come through here,

they look nuts?
I mean, do I look nuts?

Could you take a seat, please?

Can I pace?
Is it okay if I pace?

Would it bother you
if I just pace?

Slightly.

All right, go out in
the hallway and pace?

Would you come yell for me
when it's my time?

No.

What do you think?

I'm not sure how to
live with myself now.

I feel terrible...
I really, you know.

Well, let's find out...
Let's approach that.

First of all, what's
going on in your life?

Why did you suddenly get
it into your mind

to play this game,
and playing the game,

why did you have to cheat?

I just... there was the winning
card glaring right at me,

and I just blurted it out.

To be my own
one-man support group,

think of all the
wonderful things

that you've done for Ben.

I mean, Ben is a real pain
in the ass!

So I should just sit down?

Mm-hm.

All right, you mind
if I tap my foot?

Mm-hm.

Okay, can't tap my foot,
and I can't pace, huh?

Uh-uh.

This is a tough waiting room.

It's tough love.

Do you think there's
something to be gained

by coming clean and telling him

that I won the game by cheating?

I would think that honesty
is probably the best policy.

I think you gotta tell him.

I'd feel much better.

All right... I'm constipated.

Dr. Katz,
you're bald, right?

I'm "bald-ing."

Yeah, see, I admire the fact
that you went bald,

and just let it go bald.

I feel bad...
Something I can't change.

I had hair transplants,
and I was 27,

and I had hair transplants.

Now, it's, like,

'cause I went in there,
and the doctor's, like,

"Hey, don't worry
about these hair transplants.

We're gonna put 'em
behind your hairline,

so no one will ever actually
notice them."

What he failed to tell me
was five years later,

my hairline would not be there.

Now I'm walking around

with a picket fence sitting
on top of my head.

I want to go back in to the guy,

"Why don't you put
a couple little houses,

little trees up there?
Let's do a whole thing."

I know that I'm getting older,

and my wife got pregnant
with our second child,

and we had to
go out and buy a minivan.

It's all over for me!

Dr. Katz,
it's all over for me!

You get a minivan,
there's no turning back.

You get a minivan, they just
strip you down, hose you off,

and throw you
out of "Coolville,"

'cause you're never gonna be
back there again.

It was different...

Even though we had
a four-door Ford Taurus,

every once in awhile, I could
be all alone in the car,

I could take
a turn a little tight.

I could still fantasize...
"Yeah, I got a sports car."

But I'm driving around
the road in that minivan,

I'm like, "doot, doot, doot,
doot, doot, doot."

Hey, Ben.

Hey, dad, why the call?

Just checking in,
just a father...

How'd you know I'd be home?

I've had good luck the last
eight, ten, 12 years,

catching you in.

Well, it's just coincidence.

No hidden agenda...
Just a dad calling up a boy,

saying hi.

Not just any boy, right?

No, of course... his boy.

Oh, dad.

Yeah, 'cause we didn't
get a chance to talk

after the game last night.

I feel like there's something...

I don't have a whole heck
of a lot of time here, dad.

Something that I need
to say to you about it.

Dad, it's a game for kids,
you know?

I don't like
always winning at games.

Well, you don't always win.

No, I do.

You do?

Yeah, you're not great
at the board games.

My question was, as a kid,

I guess, playing that game
last night brought up some...

Issues?

Some issues... it's that when I
was a kid, you never really...

You didn't play
real games with me.

I mean, not like physical games.

Like, we didn't play catch.

Well, that's because
neither of us

really like to sweat that much.

I guess that's true.

No, dad, I just wish
that maybe, you know,

that you had been more
athletically active with me.

Well, we used to go
camping once a year.

I'm talking about catch, dad.

You know what that is, right?

Catch always seemed, to me,

the most pointless of all games.

I have a ball...

Yeah.

I'm prepared to give it up,
so I toss it to you.

Right.

What happens?

I catch it?

You catch it...
Throw it back.

And immediately, it becomes
my responsibility again.

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

Ben here, how you doing?

Fine.
Yeah.

You look well.

Can I help you with something?

Hey, you know, as a kid,
Laura, as a kid,

did your mom and dad,

did they take you
to a lot of games

and do a lot of stuff
with you, like play catch?

I'm just wondering,
'cause my dad...

I've been thinking back,
and I'm realizing,

my dad never even
took me to a ball game.

Did you like baseball?

No, no.

What's your point?

Wanna go to the ball game?

No.

I'm just saying
that most of the games

I did play with my dad
were indoors,

you know, like, board games.

Right... well, you're kind of
an indoor kind of kid.

I'll tell you,
you know how hard it is

to find a good pickup board game

with the guys nowadays?

I mean, I'm 24 years old.

Right.

And it's not
the most popular request.

You got a point there.

I don't mean to
take up your time.

Yes, you do.

You can hang up at any time,
and I'll keep talking.

Okay.

All right, fading out.

It's so hard...
You hear people complaining,

like you hear people, like
the Queen of England

will be complaining
on the TV, you know...

"I've had a horrible year."

And you just think, well,
you live in a palace.

Any year you live in a palace,

that's a pretty good year,
isn't it?

I mean, I live in
a one-room apartment.

I can sit on my toilet,
turn on the TV,

and shut the
front door without moving.

I don't think Americans
understand royalty.

I just think... you
know, if a British person

sees a man wearing a crown,
they think,

"Oh, it's the king,"

whereas if an American person

sees a man wearing a crown,
they think, "Jughead."

What is the changing
of the guard?

It's people getting off work.

That's the Americans
running down to the school.

"The new janitors
are in at 4:00!

Try and make them smile!"

I watch The Weather Channel,
constantly.

It's very soothing,
but it's really...

These guys are
too excited about it,

and they're saying, "The
historic winter of '96,

You'll be able
to tell your children

and your grandchildren
about it."

Yeah, I can't wait for that.

There's nothing
that kids love better

than weather stories
from old people.

"Grandpa, tell us again about
the time it was cold!"

"Oh, your grandmother
and I had to wear hats."

I like living here in the city.

I feel safe here,
'cause I got that chain

that goes from the wall
to the door.

You put that on at night,

and that just says to criminals,

"Hey, you're not getting in here

unless you push
with your hand."

So, Ben, some waffles?

Um, is this morning?

Yeah, this is morning.

You know, sometimes, I can't
even tell anymore, dad.

You wanna play "Let's have
dinner for breakfast" today?

Or how about another round
of Guess who?

Oh, come on, dad, I don't
wanna play Guess who?

I'll play
one more game, if you want.

Dad, I know you will,
but you know,

but you've been
playing too much.

- You're all...
- I'm hooked on it.

I'm all played out,
to be honest with you.

It's like the old days.

Yeah, but you know what?
I'm not a kid anymore.

I don't have the energy.

If you want,
I'll play another game.

I can't play another game, dad.

Why is that?

I broke my half of the board.

I took apart the board,

and I broke it up
into little pieces.

I just don't want you
to think that...

I'm not gonna go out and buy
another copy of Guess who?

If you're gonna break it.

I won't break it again,

I just don't want you
to think I'm a sore loser.

I just broke it because...

You know how I like
to break things

and then put them back together?

- Oh, is that what
you were trying to do?
- No.

So you cheated that first time
when you picked Franz,

and that was cheating?

Yes.

How did you cheat?

You were sitting
in front of the TV,

and I saw the reflection...

- Off the TV.
- Off the TV set.

Good, good, good.

You know how to
cheat really well.

You can hate me, if you want,
but in fact, I wish you would.

I don't hate you, dad...
I'm bigger than that.

It's only childhood.

I just can't believe that you
would cheat on your own son.

I mean, not only
did you cheat...

Well, there was
no one else around!

Yeah, you should have
had more kids.

Spread the pain?

You know, Ben, I am
so disgusted with myself.

If you want me to stay
somewhere else tonight,

I understand totally.

I think that maybe
that might be...

That it might be hard for you

to look at the man who did
this to you tonight,

because you may not wanna
see me face-to-face tonight.

As a matter of fact,
after what I've learned,

I'm thinking that maybe
that's a good idea...

We should stay apart for awhile.

You know what, tonight is
not a great night for this.

But if I can make this offer,
if you would extend...

Give me a little leeway here.

You want to stay out
tomorrow night, maybe.

If that would work for you.

Yeah... well,
tomorrow night, actually,

is the night we usually
watch TV together.

Maybe Saturday night.

You'll stay out of the house?

I'll stay out all night.

Where are you gonna stay?

Probably at the Hilton.

I love the Hilton,
you mind if I come along?

Not at all.

We'll stay in
the same hotel room.

Okay... you're not making
this easy for me, Ben.

I understand, dad,
but I have to be hard on you.

After what you did to me?

Let's make it a whole weekend
at the Hilton.

Okay, I deserve it.

And we'll have that special
Sunday brunch you love.

All you can eat for 1,500 bucks?

Everything's changed.

When we had kids,
everything changed.

You know,
I'm nuts about money now.

I was never nuts about
money before.

What happened?

My wife became pregnant, I
instantly turned into my dad.

I found myself walking around
the house,

turning off light switches.

"Anybody in this room?

Anybody coming
through this room,

or are we just lighting up
the whole neighborhood here?

'Cause I got a 75-watter
up there,

but I can drop right down to 50

if you people can't handle
responsibility."

What happens...
I got married, my wife...

What is it?
I'm supposed to have never

have gone out with
another woman before?

Everything's supposed to be
wiped from my memory?

I mess up once in awhile.

You know, like I call her
the wrong name.

I do that,
you know, I've done it.

I go, "Hey, Sarah,"
she goes, "Sarah?"

I go, "Yeah, 'Sarah' another
soda in the refrigerator?"

Like I try to cover,
it's ridiculous.

I should just say,
"Yeah, you did suddenly

remind me of a woman
I used to date."

What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with that?

Dr. Katz,
what's wrong with that?

Is there a discount
if I have to wake you?

My wife wants me to go shopping
with her after this.

Yeah.

I don't understand that.

I mean, why does she
want me to go shopping?

She knows that I'm no good
shopping with her.

She's gonna do stuff
like try different things on.

Right.

I mean, as soon as she
comes out of the dressing room

with the first thing on, to me,
it's like a bank robbery.

"Let's go, that's the one,
let's go, get in the car!

Come on, it's double-parked
and running!

Let's go, let's go!"

I mean, it's totally different
for guy shopping.

I mean, here's how a guy shops:

He's standing outside,
he goes, "I'm cold."

He goes in the store,
buys a coat, walks out...

"I'm not cold anymore,"
shopping's over!

I love the summer,

but it makes me nuts
driving around my wife,

because she can
spot a garage sale...

She can see a 3 x 5 card
tacked up on a tree

three miles up ahead.

Next thing I know,
we're heading for

somebody's yard full of junk.

It never happens
with my buddies.

I'm never driving around
with my buddy, and I go,

"Oh, Ritch, look,
look, garage sale!

Come on, go back,
looks like they had

a pair of shoes back there
that might fit you!"

I used to be really afraid of
nuclear w*r, when I was a kid,

but now I feel kinda safe,

because I figure
we'll all be saved

by the
emergency broadcast system.

Yeah.

So I'm not as worried about it.

What kid of piece of crap...
Who came up with...

If you're not watching TV
or listening to the radio,

do they just come to your door?

You know what

the emergency broadcast system
is a test of?

Uh, is this a test?

Your remote control.

I just think we, as a country,
we need a new enemy.

You know,
we were so much happier

when we had communism
to blame things on,

and then S*ddam Hussein
for that weekend.

You know, everything
was just so much better.

We need a new enemy...
I was thinking Canada.

You know, they're kinda
pussies, they're nearby,

and if they don't think
we'd b*mb them...

I mean, we bombed Somalia,

a country without copper wiring.

That's true.

That's our legacy, you know,
smart bombs, stupid children.

In the next w*r,
we'll probably...

The bombs will be
way too smart and valuable,

we'll just have to drop
illiterate school children

on the country we're fighting.

I was in Canada... the people
there, so annoying...

This woman, she's from Winnipeg.

She kept asking...

"What do Americans
really think about Canada?

No, really, you can tell me.

What do Americans
really think about Canada?"

And I was just like, "We don't."

"Until, you know, we run
out of natural resources,

you guys are pretty safe."

Of course, when
that day comes, you know...

"Hey, Canada, I don't know
how to put this.

We're out of wood...
Get out."

Jon, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.

Mmm... I'm smoking
a cigarette, relaxing.

You can't do that right now,
because our time is up.

Oh, I'm sorry.