03x29 - L'il Helper

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Joseph one,

Joseph two, Joseph three, Joe...

Hey, Joe.

Ow!

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Is that you?

I need you in here.

Is that you?

I need you!

All right,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, god.

Dad!

Dad?

Ben?

You're just inches away
from the shoe.

If you just reach
a little more...

No, my back...

I threw out my back
and I'm in a lot of pain, Ben.

I don't know what's
going on here.

Do you want me to push you
over or something?

Oh, god.

Is that better?

Oh, man, this is so bad!

Well, you shouldn't
go bending down

into places where you...

No, you know what it is?

You get to a certain age,

you can throw your back out
doing anything.

Yeah.

And I'm at that age.

That's why you've gotta be
careful what you're doing.

You gotta think ahead.

Okay, well, let's think ahead
for a second.

I have some pain K*llers
in the medicine chest.

Now, dad, don't throw dr*gs
at the problem.

That's not
the first thing you should do.

Well, what should I do?

You should throw money
at the problem.

Okay, I will pay you $20 to
bring me those pain K*llers.

That's the right attitude.

Okay... you know
what else I could use?

Is a hot towel, and, um...

You're not giving birth.

It feels like I am
and I feel like it's twins.

I wish you would,
I'd love a brother.

- I mean,
you're in the position.
- Yeah.

All I have to do
is lift your legs,

and maybe something
will come out.

I'm not saying
it's gonna be a human being.

Here.

Okay.

Oh!

Give me the other one.

- All right.
- Thanks.

Just swallow, don't chew.

I might as well take one
with you while I'm here.

Ben...

Not even gonna k*ll me.

No, somebody has to be alert,

and I nominate you.

You know what's good
for a bad back?

What?

You don't know how to make
hash browns, do you?

What?
Hash browns?

You know, when I hurt myself,

I want all this comforting food.

Dad, I'm not gonna cook for you.

Oh, that's right, I forget...

The union won't permit that.

Make me a egg!

Don't make me come over there!

I'm standing right here,
come and get me.

Argh!

I don't think it's a good idea

for you to even dispense therapy

while you're on
heavy medication, y'know?

Well, that's why I'm gonna
take it really easy today.

You know, just gonna do
the classic "uh-huh."

Don't push yourself.

And maybe once I'll throw in a,

"Did you hear what
you just said?"

But that's it.

I'm not gonna
take it any further

because I'm not in
that kind of condition.

Hey, Ben, can I give you
some advice

about the passing lane?

Yeah.

It's not a good place
to do all your daydreaming.

Dad, I happen to be a pretty
fine driver, you know?

Just smooth and easy.

Yeah, like this.

Ow, that's the thing
you don't wanna do.

Don't slam on the brakes.

Exactly, like that.

Or take any hard turns.
Oh!

Coming through.

- Hey, Laura.
- Hi, Laura.

How are you?

I'm gonna put you down
right here, dad.

Okay, this is perfect.

- How you doing?
- You okay?
- Yep.

Everything all right?
I'm gonna let you down gently.

Watch your back.
All right.

There you go,
lean against the desk.

Laura, you're gonna
have to give us

a couple of minutes here.

I just gotta get my father
set up.

He hurt his back today.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like a
puppet dictator, you know?

Dad, don't talk!

You're right,
I'll try to pace myself.

So, Laura, I mean, I guess...

I'm gonna turn
this over to you now,

so it's your responsibility

to take care of my dad
for the rest of the day,

'cause I gotta go do what
I have to do today,

and then I'm gonna come back.

But that means that I'm
gonna give you this list,

and he needs his back pills.

Three every two hours, right?

No, two every three hours.
Okay, whatever.

And just make sure
there's not...

If there's an excessive
amount of pain he's in,

you give me a call immediately.

And what are you gonna do?

I'll field that call.

- Remember Moby Grape?
- What?

The band Moby Hrape?

How many pills has he had?

They really had such
an unusual approach

to rock 'n' roll.

He's had a couple.

That's my motto.

I don't know how effective
he's gonna be today.

Yeah, I think maybe he should
just take the day off.

I'll call your patients

and I'll cancel all
the appointments.

I can do that,
I do it all the time.

I think I might
actually enjoy seeing

some of these people today,
for the first time, you know?

It's gonna be like
a whole new job for you.

Can I have some of those?

It's Ken Rogerson
to see Dr. Katz.

It's nice to see you again.

Mmm.

Could you take a seat, please?

Well, you know,
I'm doing a little better.

I'm getting over the fact
that a lot of people

don't like to talk to me.

Thanks.

Well, I recently got divorced.

Mm-hmm.

I knew there was
gonna be problems.

I'm part Irish

and I married
a woman from England,

and that accent's real cute
for about a week.

And, you know, I mean,
that whole Irish-English thing

hasn't been working out
that well.
- No.

For, like, 900 years now.

You know, once every six months,

I'd blow up her car.

And she would
take that personally?

Yeah, you know, and I like
hockey and football and beer,

and, you know,
she liked the opera

and going to those flea markets.

You know what I'm talking about?

Those yard sales, garage sales,

you know, those
trash for cash things?

And she would buy stuff
'cause it was a dollar.

- Right.
- No other reason.

"Why'd you buy that?"

"It was a dollar."

"Yeah, but it's broken."

"It was only a dollar."

"Well, I see your logic.

One can never have enough

cheap, broken
stuff around the house."

Yeah.

"Say, pass me that
cracked ashtray.

Why don't we give
the cordless lamp a whirl?"

Hey, Laura, how's the patient?

He's with your father.

Hmm?

No, no...
Oh, no, I mean, my father.

How's his back?

Okay, I guess.

He was in a bad way.

Mmm...

Well, everything's okay.

I mean... his back...
Was not good.

Right.

Everything's okay now.

How does a guy like that
get a bad back?

I mean, he doesn't do much.

Well, I think
that's probably how.

But how do you hurt your back
from doing nothing?

I mean, I thought you hurt
your back from heavy lifting.

If you do nothing enough,
then it...

- Then something's
bound to happen.
- Yeah.

It's my philosophy of life.

I don't worry about death.

I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna die in my sleep.

What really makes me angry
is I know right before I die,

the alarm will go off.

You know, I could have slept
straight through, but, no.

I was thinking about
being cremated when I d*ed,

but I think the thing to do
if you were cremated

would be to have
your friends, you know,

and the people you love

just, you know,
take big handfuls of you

and throw 'em at people you
hated while you were alive.

You know, that creep at work.

"What the heck
is that?"

"Ken says see you!"

I came here to drop off
some stuff for my dad

to help with his back problem.

I brought him
a box of chocolates

and a gift certificate
to a record store.

Thought that would cheer him up.

Okay, well, you can
just leave it here, and...

I brought a hot water bottle.

You might have to heat it,

because I, you know,
I came from home.

Mm-hmm.

But I tell you something...
It felt good on the way over.

Last Thanksgiving,
I sh*t my own turkey,

which I didn't think
was gonna be fun,

but, you know,
it was pretty fun.

There's something about it.

You know,
that shotgun going off.

Blam, blam!

Everybody at the supermarket
just staring at me.

Yeah.

And, boy, I'll tell you what,

when you're in a supermarket
and you're carrying a shotgun,

you rarely wait in line.

Ow!

Lordy mama Mia.

My back!

Ah, it'll be all right,
woo, it's just my back.

You know, the sympathy pains.

Sympathy pains?

Oh, yeah,
I get 'em all the time.

It's because of
my caring nature.

Oh, man, I could use
a little help over here.

But I do have no luck, no luck.

I was in las Vegas.

Oh, that must have been fun.

Oh, I don't know,
I'm not a real good gambler.

Y'know, I can't play any game
where you have to add fast.

Yeah.

You know, I'm at
the 21 table, going...

"Hmm, nine and seven."

You know, and they're
just scooping my chips

off the table.

And, boy, you gotta watch out
there, huh?

'Cause in Vegas,
you know, food is real cheap

and booze is free.

Boy, they want you
strong and wasted.

After a while, I was sitting
there, going, "Hit me!"

"Sir, this is
a roulette wheel."

Oh, it appears
I've wandered off.

I bet they're looking
for these babies

at that other place!"

It's so weird to me.

You know, these people
come in here...

They come in here to talk
about their psychological pain,

but they don't notice the fact

that I'm sitting there
in enormous pain.

I'm not looking for
their sympathy or anything.

I just... it's weird
that nobody

has mentioned
anything to me, you know?

The only one who's been
at all sympathetic

to this pain is really you.

What?

Hi, dad, I called to check in.

I'm actually feeling
a little better.

Did you use
your hot water bottle?

I did, but you know what?

It sprung a leak.

Oh.

But I have been doing
some stretching,

and that's really been helping.

I'm thinking about
going back into yoga,

and, you know,
I used to compete.

I could do a full lotus for


Wow, that's a record.

I came in third in the state.

I didn't know that was
a competitive sport, yoga.

Oh, yeah... it's vicious.

- I can imagine.
- Vicious!

Some of these guys
get so relaxed.

I have this
reoccurring nightmare

that I'm gonna have a kid

and then leave it on top
of my car.

You know, it's 25 below zero,

and you have to go out
to your car,

and you have your coffee in one
hand and your kid in the other.

Right.

And you have to set both things

on top of your hood
to get out your keys.

I mean, what are you
gonna go for first?

But, you know,
you can't drive off

with your kid on top
of your car,

'cause if you do, then
everybody cries child abuse.

Glass houses!

Yeah.

How's the job hunt going?

I actually tried
to work in an office,

and I just don't understand
how people

can work
in those office environments

with those really perky
office people.

I've heard about those people.

That woman
who just is really upbeat

and sort of organizes

all the extracurricular
activities for the office.

And every time you get
to work Monday morning,

she's just in your face.

"I've got the birthday card
for Vickie.

It's Vickie's birthday,
everybody sign the card.

I made brownies in the back
room... shh, it's a secret!

Shh, shh!
It's a secret!

Shh, it's a secret!

Really, we're gonna
have a baby pool!

Super Bowl!
Pick your team!"

It's like...
You know what?

Vickie quit.

You gotta get a life.

I'm doing
a one-man show of

"The life and times of
Clarence Birdseye

and the invention
of frozen foods."

It's a musical!

Mmm.

Yeah, I wrote all the songs
and everything.

I'm from the old school

so I took tap and ballet
and voice.

So I can do it all.

Really?

♫ frozen foods frozen foods ♫

♫ my eyes have seen the future
and it's frozen foods ♫

♫ frozen foods ♫

If you want your kids
to abstain from sex,

yet you want them to have
the knowledge about sex...

Right?

The answer is simple:
Use reverse psychology.

Because I know if I was
in junior high school,

if my mother
would had sat me down one day

and said...

"You know, Lizz,
your father and I love sex!

God, I can't stop mounting
your dad!

He's a beast!"

I would never stop throwing up.

And then there's, like,
a fast-talking agent

who's trying to get
Clarence's word to the public

and it takes place in the '40s
so he's very...

There'll be this great scene

where they see a piano
being raised

into somebody's apartment,

just like they do
in those old movies.

And I'll be like, "Hey, fellas!

You mind if I use
the piano for a minute?

I gotta show my boy
a little something!"

♫ tan tan tan
tan tan tan... ♫

and then there's a big
dance number,

like in Fame,
outside in the streets.

But it's all me.

You know, so I have to...

That's the part I'm having
difficulty with.

Mmm...

I was gonna make it
a one-person show,

but if I can get this guy,
Elvis Costello,

I'm gonna have him
sing one of the numbers.

Yeah, it'll be like...

♫ Oh what am I to do
now the recipe is gone ♫

♫ they've stolen
my food recipe ♫

♫ and I'm so...
I can't go on... ♫

something like that,
you know, I mean...

You know,
Dr. Katz is telling me

that I should really give it up

and get real
and get on with my life,

because it hasn't worked
after all these years,

but this is
so encouraging from you.

Really?

You're the only one
who understands me.

Are you seeing anybody?

Hello?

Boy, I feel so stupid, you know?

Why do you feel stupid?

Just hurting myself like this.

You know, I should know better.

Well, how'd you hurt it?

Doing something I should not
have been doing at my age.

Oh, I know what that is!

I wish.

How do you know what that is?

'Cause I'm his age.

There's nothing kinky
involved, believe me.

Well, what were you doing?

Sports related.

Sports related?

Well, it's not a sport
as much as a game.

It's a game I play with myself

called "How many socks can I
pick up in 30 seconds?"

Hey, Stanley, thank you
so much for the ride.

I really appreciate that,
you know?

No, it was my pleasure.

That's what friends
are there for.

I mean,
you would do the same for me.

Well, let's play a game.

This is called, "How far
would you go for a friend?"

- Okay.
- Oh, I like this.

I like this.

Let me give you
a scenario, okay?

Okay.

I'm choking on my own vomit.

Right now?

No, wait, let me start again.

If I told you I needed $20,000

or the mob was gonna
rub me out...

Uh-huh.

...would you guys
be there for me?

Yeah, I would do my best.

I would try to raise
that money and...

Do they take, like, discover?

Mmm...

What about...
Let's say we're in a boat,

we're in a rowboat,
we're stranded at sea,

and we're taking water.

We're going down?
We're sinking?

We're going down and
somebody has to abandon ship.

Stanley, would you help me
lift Julie?

I'm kidding.

Julie, I am,
I'm kidding.
I'm leaving you.

I don't care how
many Percocet you've had.

I'm leaving the boat.

I hope you guys make it back
and tell Ben I loved him.

Ben, what is this shiatsu book
doing out here?

Well, you know,
I read up a little bit

on maybe how to help your back.

Yeah, I mean,
I appreciate your concern,

but I think you've got
the wrong approach here.

Dad, I'll tell you something...

The eastern techniques,
even though they're ancient,

they still pack a wallop today.

Well, you know,

I have western stress-related
lower back problems.

Right.

That's why, really, I think
the right choice for me

is a more traditional narcotic.

But, dad, you don't know
until you've tried this.

I don't like the idea
of being your Guinea pig.

Well, dad, you won't be
a Guinea pig on this.

I tried it, actually, on myself,

and it was damn good.

Okay, I'll give you 10 minutes.

I think the first thing
that I have to do here

in order to center your energy,

is I gotta stick both my fingers

in your ear, all right?

- Wait, wait...
- Just stay still.

Stay still!

Okay, go ahead, go ahead.

All right, you're a big idiot.

- I can't hear you.
- You're a big idiot.

I can't hear you.

You're a big idiot.
I can't hear you.

- You're a big idiot.
- I can't hear you.

How did that feel?

It didn't feel bad, you know?

- Shut your eyes.
- Okay.

I'm giving you the finger.

- I heard you, Ben.
- Sorry.

Okay, why don't you
tell me what you're gonna do

before you do them?

We'll go through
the major points of...

Okay, so you do the sheetsu,
the shiatsu.

The shiatsu.

And then we take a break,
we have a big dinner,

and then we get
right back into it

for the next stage,
which would be aromatherapy.

And that means I use certain
herbs and aromas

in order to clear your head.

- Oh, that sounds okay.
- Yeah.

Why don't we start there?

'Cause I don't think you could
do that much damage with that.

All right, smell this.

Whoo, I take it back.

That's just to wake you up.

- Smell this.
- Yeah.

We should do some laundry!

I'm sorry.

If you were here
two hours ago, dad,

while I was reading up on it,

you know, this would
have worked out fine.

Would you mind getting me
a couple...

A couple of pills?

No, dad, come on.

We'll work this through
before we hit the pills,

but we're gonna hit
the pills.
- Okay.

Well, I'm doing
a little better now.

I cut down on my drinking.

I mean,
I used to live in Boston,

which is really
a drinkers' town.

There's just
so many reasons there.

Like the weather.

"Hey, what's
the weather out?"
"Sucks."

"Well, let's drink, then."

"All right!"

I mean, there's so many reasons.

Like the Boston marathon.

I mean, really...
When I first moved there,

my friends would go, "Hey, do
you wanna go over to the house

on Monday and get
real drunk?"

I'd go,
"Yeah, what's going on?"

Oh, some guys are
gonna run by."

Well, I'll do that...
Is there a lot of 'em?"

I'm doing
some community service now.

I have to go around
and do these little talks

about drinking and driving.

And I don't preach about
the drinking and driving,

but I speak from experience.

I got in a car accident
about 15 years ago.

I hit a lake.

Whose fault?

Yeah, I thought
the road seemed slick!

I'm thinking, "Woo, they've
had some rain here!"

I don't care
how good you can BS

You're really not gonna
talk your way out

of an accident of
this nature, you know?

State troopers sloshing up
to my car.

And the cop, god love him,

he asked me,
"Have you been drinking?"

I'm thinking, "No, I ran out
of gas.

I think with a full t*nk
I could have made it across."

You know, I don't know...
These cops,

they make me a nervous wreck.

I always screw those
tests up, you know?

Finger to the nose.

"Oops.

You weren't real specific
on that."

I mean,
I have trouble with cars.

I think that goes back
to my father, again.

You know, Dr. Katz?

He was a mechanic.

I don't know anything
about cars.

You know,
and he would always ask me,

every time I would go
to his house...

To this day he'll ask me...

"How is the car
running, Ken?

Running good, dad.

How is it doing
on oil?

Well, the light
hasn't come on yet.

Get your car ready
for winter?

Oh, you bet, dad.

You know, I put some hot
chocolate in the radiator

and taped up the window."

Well...
people tailgating...
i can't stand that,

'cause when I'm not in a hurry,
then they shouldn't be either.

A lot of people slam
on their brakes,

which is so foolish,

you know, try to get
the people from tailgating,

get 'em off their back.

No, I carry a stuffed dog
in the car.

People get too close,

I just roll down the window
and toss him out.

Oh, they hang back after that.

Ken, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.

Well, music means
so much to so many people.

I think the music means
I'm not cured.

I feel like
a kid again, you know?

Yeah.

It's like the "Elephant
on the toe" theory

that your mother used
to tell you all the time.

You know, why it feels so good

when an elephant
steps on your toe?

Why?

'Cause when it gets off...

It feels so much better.
Yeah.

Well, that's the way I feel.

I feel like
I've been born again.
Yeah.

My back is back, the kid's back.

You know, I think I did
a pretty good job

helping you out over
the last few days.

You did, you did.

I mean, maybe I could
do it professionally...

I mean, not just for you,
but for a couple other people?

You mean be
a professional masseuse?

Well, I think maybe one of
the helping professions.

Some kind of caregiver?

What do you have to do to be
in the helping profession?

Help people.
Forget it.

Okay...

I didn't know that,
I thought it was rhetorical.

Yeah, so...

I think with
a little more reading up

on how to give a proper massage,

I could do it for a living.

Who's stopping you?

I think the sky's the limit.

I mean, just on you...

- Because I don't wanna
touch anybody.
- Yeah.

You know, but I could
give you one once a day.

You know, 60 bucks a session...

That's how much a year?

I can't do
the math either, but...

I think that's over $30,000
a year, tax-free,

'cause, I mean,
it will be off the books.

No, I'm gonna have to declare
that as an expense.

Dad, give me a break,
I'm starting a new business.