03x30 - Big Fat Slug

[bunniefuu]

Look at this guy.

You know, he wanders off,
and you wonder why.

He's gonna get eaten
in about three seconds.

You know, that's part
of the whole...

- The whole...
- The cycle of nature?

- Yeah, there you go.
- Yeah.

Just once I would love to see,
you know, the roles reversed.

The wildebeest that strays
from the pack...

He's rewarded
in some way by the lion.

- Instead of eaten?
- Yeah.

That would be
the right thing, dad,

but the world doesn't operate
according to your crazy rules.

The wildebeest eats things too.

They don't show that.

Yeah, but the wildebeest
is a plant-eating animal.

Yeah, but they don't show that,
all those plants get eaten.

Yeah.

That's my problem with nature,
is that there's not fair play.

I hate to keep coming back
to the wildebeest.

What does it have on its side?

It's edible.

You know, that's all
it has going for it.

It's really yummy.

Well, dad, you know, maybe
you could go to your room.

You have a TV in there,
go watch it.

Not that the wildebeest can't
hold my attention for a while,

but I just worry that there's
so much else on right now.

Like?

Well, we could just change the
channel one way or the other

and there's gonna be
a great show.

I'm not ready
to take that chance.

Come with me, dad,
on my journey.

Go ahead.
Look at that.

Holy moly, it's another
wildebeest show!

All right, maybe I was mistaken.

- Hi, Laura.
- Hi.

Is Dr. Katz ready?

Uh, no, he's not.

Okay, are you having a good day?

Could you sit over there?

You know, bossy pants,

maybe this isn't
the best job for you,

working with people
all the time.

What do you mean, you're in
denial about being in therapy?

I've just convinced myself

that there's a friend
that I see once a week,

and then I lend him $150.

Hmm.

When my best friend had a baby,

she gained 80 pounds.

Oh, don't think
I wasn't photographed

next to her every day.

I've never been thinner
in my entire life.

And it's so pathetic,
she was really in denial.

She was like...

"Do you think here's any chance

the baby could weigh up
to 80 pounds?"

I'm your best friend.

I'm gonna have
to go with 45, tops.

Are you starting to feel
the pressure

of your biological clock?

You know, I do.

I desperately wanna have a baby.

Everything I do in comparison
seems really inconsequential

to all my friends,

who go through
these labor stories.

Like, my best friend
was in labor.

She's like...

"Well, you know,
I was in labor for 36 days

and I didn't use an epidural.

I had the baby
out in the woods,

and now I'm back at work
full-time and breast-feeding."

And I'm like, "Well, I bought
the cutest skirt!"

You know, I'm the youngest.

And both my sisters
make so much money,

it's embarrassing,

and so on mother's day
last year they said...

"Well, I don't know.

I don't know, maybe this year
we should send her on a cruise

or, you know, buy her
something really nice

like a gold watch."

Then they just look
at me and go,

"And you just make
another really nice card."

- And my boyfriend
and I broke up.
- Sorry.

Well, "broke up."

It's amazing
how you rewrite history.

When I was thrown from the cab.

I was completely in denial
about that too.

I just lay
by the side of the road

as the car drove away,


I was screaming after it,
"Don't ever call me again!

We're through!
I mean it this time!"

Hmm...

You know, every time
I see my old boyfriend,

he's a little balder than
he was the last time,

and it makes me realize
something very important.

Voodoo works.

You just have to start
from the back,

and one hair at a time,
it'll k*ll him.

He was very sweet,
he used to call me "Cutie,"

which is short for "Chronic
urinary tract infection."

Have you ever fallen in love

with one of
your friends, Dr. Katz?

Maybe, uh...

Well, you know, it's just like
you're friends with the person

and then one day
you look at them,

and you're like, "Rrrr!"

You know, that feeling?

I was totally in love
with my friend Mark,

and he would always say to me,

"Oh, Caroline, you're such
a good friend,

and I was like,
"Oh, shut up and do me."

Well, you know what?

When you meet the right person,

you'll know it.

Yeah, and I'll meet
his lovely wife.

Yeah, you'll know that too.

You're a little home wrecker,
aren't you?

You're not supposed
to call me that!

That's not helping.

Then change your bumper sticker.

Ben, is that the TV that
I hear in the background?

Well, dad, it's on,

but that doesn't mean
that I'm watching it.

It's just on for atmosphere.

And then when
you're not looking at it,

what are you looking at?

My tummy.

Hmm...

How about we call a moratorium
on watching TV in the house?

You know, I saw
a show on that once.

Any good?

In the town, they banned
television for a week,

just to see
how the kids would react.

How did they react?

They k*lled their parents.

Um...

You think TV affects...

Influences the way
people behave, dad?

Yes, I do.

What about me?

Do you think I'm a product
of what I watch?

I do, I think...

Or do you think
it's the other way around?

No, in fact, remember
your favorite show

when you were a kid?

Remember the one
I'm talking about?

Which one?

"I'm a big fat slug"?

I hate you.

I just worry that
you watch too much TV.

Dad, you know...

And too much crap on TV.

Let me answer to that.

Okay, you wanna deal with these

as if they're separate issues?

- Go ahead.
- Exactly.

Okay, that's easier.

The first issue:
I watch too much TV.

- Mmm-hmm.
- No.

Let me play along for a second.

The next issue is that the stuff

that you choose to watch is crap

and it's not good for you,
and it's rotting your brains.

Okay, let me play
devil's advocate.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Laura, I've had
a little time here,

and I've written this letter.

I've written this letter...

Laura, I've had
a little bit of time here

and I've written
this letter for you.

Um, Laura, I've had a
little bit of time...

Laura, I've had a little
bit of time here,

and I've written
this letter to you.

It has a lot of
my feelings in it

and a lot of what I'm about

and hopefully maybe what
you're about too.

- Hey, Laura.
- Hi.

Hey, remember me?

I've been sitting over there?

Anyway, no, it's...
All right.

So, all right, I know
your sign and your rule

about not talking
to you and everything,

but I wrote you this letter,

and it's... open it up.

You might wanna open it up now.

And then I'll go in there,
and then when I come out...

- Let me see it.
- You can...

All right,
well, I'm gonna head in.

So just read it.

You know what?
Don't even read it.

I was kidding.

It's a joke,
it's part of a prank.

Just throw it away,
just, you know...

- Let me just...
- Can I see it?

Oh, okay, that's
actually probably rude.

Dr. Katz's office.

- Hey, Laura.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Fine.

- Guess who.
- Ben.

Um... right.

I was just checking in,
you know,

sometimes,
I will be not so busy.

Mmm-hmm.

And I will call you up
and call the office.

Good, that's a
good activity for you.

We're sort of having
a conversation here.

I kind of like that.

- Did I just ruin it?
- I have to go.

Yeah, I figured I did.

Okay.

Hey, listen...
Actually, before you go,

wanna play "I'm thinking
of an animal?"

No.

I have a lot of fur,

and I'm very big and I eat fish.

- Ben?
- That's right, me.

See, I told you
you'd get into it.

You wanna play
"I'm thinking of a disease"?

Ben...

If I eat a whole tub
of raw chicken,

you might get me... hmm?

Good for you!
Bye!

No! Salmonella.

Hello?

So your parents must
be so proud, David,

of your recent success.

My mom's the kind
of woman that...

You know that parable

where Jesus turned the water
into wine at the wedding?

She's really
like the kind of lady

who would have told him
to turn it back.

Just yelled at him
in front of everybody

and kind of embarrassed me
and used me as an example.

"You turn that wine
back to water.

It's noon.

And we're not all trying
to get a buzz on here.

I have kids.

It's hot,
turn it back!"

Dr. Katz's office.

I make you feel all shivery
and weak and sweaty.

Hmm? Laura?

I think that was an odd thing
that Jesus did, anyway.

It seemed unnecessary.

And if you had that
kind of super-secret power,

think of all the better
things you could do.

Although he might have
been kind of inundated

with a bunch of guys going...

"Oh, dude, man,
I have a bunch of sage here.

If you could turn this into
weed, that would be awesome.

Jesus?

Come on!
Turn into some weed, man!"

Mmm-hmm.

Although I don't know
that people talked

like that back then.

I don't know
what they talked like.

I guess we don't know, really.

Yeah, for all we know,

Jesus could have sounded like
an effeminate Southern man.

That would have
been interesting,

if Jesus was running
around going...

"Y'all, I just got back
from Lazarus's tomb,

and pee-yew,
did it stink or what?

I'm serious.

I moved that boulder away.

It was just like poo,
right in my face.

And I'm sorry, but it
just stunk to high heaven.

Hey, Luke!
Hey, Mark!

Y'all come on in!

Oh, I'm so nervous
'cause tomorrow's

my big sermon on the mount.

I'm so nervous it's gonna make
or break me as a Messiah.

This is so important,

and I just don't know
what to do or say or wear.

Luke, does this robe
make me look fat?

Oh, lord.

Oh, that's me!

How many times
have I done that today?"

I'm constantly buying
stupid products.

Mmm-hmm.

And I bought this
"Perfect nipples" kit.

That was a waste of money.

And you know what?
It hurts.

There are just so many products

that are unnecessary and
that we just buy blindly.

We accept their need.

Like the beer company's
coming out

with these
large-mouth cans.

I mean, who...
I don't understand...

Who's having trouble drinking
out of their beer can?

Like, the only people
who could possibly benefit

from this are giants,

and they haven't existed
for over 200 years now.

Mmm-hmm.

I recently attended a
pro-drug rally in my basement

and it was good.

I gave myself some literature,
learned some things.

And, for instance, I think
marijuana should be legalized.

I really do.

Not everybody should be able
to smoke whenever they want.

You know, I wouldn't want
my doctor getting high,

right before he operated on me.

That's a good example of when
it's a bad time to "boke" up.

The last thing I'd wanna
hear before I went under

would be...

"Nurse, come here!
Give me one of those...

The, uh, the pointy..."

Scalpel?

"Yeah, the scalpel
is exactly the name of it.

Yes, okay.

Um, hi, how you doing?

Okay, so we are doing
what here, again?

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

"Okay, let give it a sh*t.

All right, ready?

Let me dig in.

Oh, I'm sorry, yes, anesthesia.

Whoops, okay, whoa, I'm sorry.

She told me..."

- Laura?
- Yeah?

Do you ever watch
the nature films?

Sometimes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Did you know a lioness will
roll around in elephant dung

just to make herself more
desirable to the lion?

Mmm-hmm.

Just because that
fragrance, she thinks...

Not like I'm second guessing
her, but, apparently,

the fragrance is
attractive to the male lion.

What do you make of that?

No, I guess I didn't know that.

Did you know that
most of those nature shows

are actually taped in front
of a live audience?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, they sweeten it up.

That's funny.

You're in good form
today, Laura.

Oh, shut up.

Dr. Katz, have you ever
been sued by a creditor?

Pursued, you mean?

- Sued.
- No, I haven't.

- Pursued?
- Yes.

Every day I get this
phone call from Mr. Gomez.

A man has never called me
this much.

It's the biggest commitment
I've ever had in my life,

and he wants money,
every time...

"Um, hello?
Is Caroline Rhea there?

This is Mr. Gomez with a very
important banking matter."

"Uh, no, I'm sorry,
she's not here right now.

Don't ever call back."

Click.

Other, I'll put
on some really bad scot...

Oh, no, she's not here anymore.

But she's gone back to Edinburgh

and she's never coming back.

All right, then,
never call again.

Bye-bye, bye-bye,
never again.

And this is the advice
my mother always gives me,

'cause she's a 1950s babe,

so no matter what I ask her,
whatever the problem is...

I go, "I'm being sued
by a bunch of credit cards

and it's really scary
living in New York,

and I don't know
what to do."

"Darling, just put on
a little lipstick."

You know, I have creditors
banging at the door.

"We're here
for the furniture!

Oh, just a second, please.

Are you gone yet?"

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura.

What's that screaming
in the background?

Oh, I'm watching a movie.

It's one of those
screaming movies,

where the woman
goes, "Agh!"

And the guy's scared too.

Sounds good.

You'd better get back to it.

It's funny you bring that up,

'cause my dad... he thinks
I watch too much TV.

And I do.

That's pretty much it.

Boy, do I really have
nothing to do.

My managers are Australian.

The way they talk,
everything sounds really good

'cause they go up at the end
of every sentence,

but they're
the most tactless people,

so they're constantly
insulting me

with this really lovely tone.

Like I'll call them up
after an audition,

and I'll go, "Well,
did you get any feedback?

Yeah, yeah.

We talked to the guy and
you didn't get the part!

No, they thought
you were fat!"

You know, it's so pathetic.

And then I went shopping
the other day for this dress.

And this salesgirl...

First of all,
she was incredibly mean.

I go into the dressing room,

and she pops her little head
over the curtain and says...

"Does anything fit?"

"Oh, yes, I was able to get
the dressing room curtain

around my hips."

And then there's this, like,
perfect, skinny, little girl

in the dressing room next to me.

And she comes out.

She's trying it out in a size 2,

and I'm trying it
on in a size 12.

So, basically,
I just looked at her

and I was like...

"I'm six times bigger than you?

Argh!"

And then this stupid salesgirl
comes around the corner again.

"Oh my god, can you believe
that's the same dress?

It looks so different!"

I feel like I walk
out of the house,

and the second the
door closes behind me,

the TV goes on

and it doesn't go off
until I come home.

It's not healthy.

Maybe he just shouldn't
be watching so much TV.

Yeah, but how can you limit it?

I think it's important
to set limits

and to actually take a firm
hand with your offsprings.

Well, I don't like
to honk my own horn,

but I went home and I said,
"Ben, enough is enough.

You know, we've gotta
draw the line somewhere."

Firm hand.

Yeah, I think that's
really what a kid wants,

is boundaries.

So what was his...
What did he say?

I don't think he heard me.

See?

Well, the TV was on,
it was too loud.
Too loud.

But just getting it off
my chest felt great.

What is the lesson
that we've learned tonight,

watching this show?

We're better
than the wildebeest.

We're different.

We're smarter.

This is why I
want you to watch this,

because we learn so much
from these shows

about our own nature.

Do you know what
the average number of hours

people watch TV
a day is?

No, I don't.

Like, 3,5 hours a day.

How much do you watch?

I watch considerably more.

So you're bringing up
the average.

Well, I don't know
what to make of that,

but that's your job.

I just sit here
and watch TV.

Remember that thing I used
to do with my finger,

where it made it
look like I was...

- Taking it off?
- Yeah.

Remember the first time
I did that, what you said?

I said, "That's
an optical illusion."

That's right.

That was the first time

I heard you use
the word "illusion."

I can't do it.

You know what the difference is?

You haven't invested the 350
hours that I invested...

Practicing that?

You have to be
double-jointed, don't you?

You know who's
double-jointed.

Come here.

I'll show you who's
double-jointed.

Ow, ow!

I'm gonna get up and I'm
gonna go to the bathroom

and when I come back,

I'm trusting you
not to change the station.

How long are you gonna be?

I'll be back before
the next commercial.

Well, take your time.

What are you gonna do?
One or two?

I actually was thinking
of doing a combo.

To be honest with you,

dinner tonight is sitting
a little heavy.

Well, that's why the good
lord created two bathrooms.

Yeah.

- Hey, dad?
- Yeah.

You're missing this here.

You're missing this.

Well, this has gotta be
more interesting.

You know, all this nature stuff

is starting to seem
a little unnatural to me.

I can't hear you, what?

I said, "Your mother!"

I can't talk to you
like this anymore.

But all I'm trying to say

is you're missing
some great TV out here.

Just slip it under the door.

- Hurry it up!
- Yeah, okay.

You gotta get out there.

You have to do things for you,
you know, and enjoy yourself.

I'll do some things for me.

Like the other night
I rented Schindler's list.

And I gotta be honest
with you, not that funny.

Where were you sitting?

Hi, Ben.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

- How's the day been?
- Fine.

Same here.

Okay, bye.

- My dad's in, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, good.

Do you wanna talk to him?

No, no, I mean,
I've had enough of that.

Okay, then.

How many times can you talk
to your dad in one day?

Right.

Without getting sick of it?

I hear ya.

Hey, listen,
actually, before you go...

A quick question.

Do you watch
a lot of TV?

Not a lot, no.

- You have a TV,
I assume, right?
- Yeah.

- Cable?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Me too.
- Great.

How many channels does
that baby get over there?

Oh, I don't know, a lot.



I'm thinking
about getting the dish.

Wow.

That's pretty impressive, huh?

Great.

How much TV a day
do you watch, Laura?

I don't know.

How many in, like, in hours.

I don't know.

- Well, how many hours?
- I don't know!

What's the average?

Two?

Break that down to minutes.

Bye.

Dammit!

- My mother's obsessed
with playing bridge.
- Really?

Aliens could land at the door

she wouldn't care less,
she'd just say...

"Oh, come on in, inv*de later.

We've got a good hand going.

You be dummy this hand.

Hey, hey, hey, quit sucking
the life force from the dog

and pay attention.

This is not
an easy game, mister.

All right...
Lemon square?"

It really is disgusting

how, like, men think
it's perfectly okay

to say things to you
as you walk down the street.

Well, not all men.

Most of the time, actually,
think they're complimenting you,

but the other day...
This is so pathetic...

I was coming home from the gym

and I'm walking along the street

and this man passes me
and says, "Hello, fatty!"

I just wanted to k*ll him.

Now, it is disgusting, though.

You're walking down the street,

really innocently,

and some construction
worker is like,

"Sss, Maria, mmmm!"

So what do they think
I'm gonna do?

Run over and go,
"Tony, is that you?

It's me, big Hooters, hi!"

It wouldn't even gross me
out or bother me so much

if they could show me
one marriage

that has come from this
kind of an introduction.

"Mommy, how did you
and daddy meet?"

"Well, dear, I was walking
along the street one day,

and your father screamed the
most disgusting things at me!

Oh, something about wanting
to eat his lunch off my ass."

You know...

"I fell in love,
and the rest is history.

Now clear the table."

Our time is up,
and we're gonna have to...

I just wanna ask you
one more thing.

...come back to this.

No, one more thing.

Sorry, no.

- If you ask...
- No.

- What if...
- Ah!