03x31 - New Phone System

[bunniefuu]

You know, dad,
what I'm gonna do now

is I'm gonna stop eating
and let's do something else.

We can either talk
or we can watch TV.

Well...

Or we could have dessert.

Let's talk.

What do you say?
We don't do that enough.

How about pick up the phone
and dial my office,

and you're in for a real treat.

You want me to pick up the phone

and call your office?

You'll be proud of me when you
hear what's on the other end

is a new phone system.

You have a new phone system
at the office?
Yes.

Well, that's great, why call it?

It's just a phone, right?

I want to show you
what it can do.

Well, what can it do?

Get ready to dial in
some options, because...

I can't do two things
at once here,

listen to you
and listen to the ring.

But just poise yourself for
some real serious options here.

I can't wait,
this is gonna be exciting.

I'm just afraid that the choices

are gonna paralyze you,
you know?

It hasn't picked up yet?

No, sir.

- You sure?
- Pretty sure.

Because are you sure you
dialed the right number?

Hello.

Hello?

- Ben?
- Laura?

- Ben?
- Laura?

- Ben.
- Laura.

- Ben.
- Laura.

Why do you keep
saying, "Laura?"

How did you get this number?

My father told me
to call the office

to check out the new phone.

Jeez, I... Ben!

Oh, wait, hold on a sec, Laura.

Can you hold on?

Tell Laura it's my fault
that you called her at home,

that I had the calls
forwarded from the office.

Oh.

And that I apologize
for waking her up.

Oh, dear, Laura?

Yeah.

Hey, it's Ben, how are ya?

Listen, this is
sort of a mix-up.

My dad told me to call the
new phone system at the office,

but apparently all the calls
are forwarded,

and if you don't know
what that means,

it's a system by which
if I call the office number...

- I know what it means.
- Right.

Just tell her the part
about my being sorry, Ben.

Oh, right, my dad also
apologizes for this.

For not mentioning it to her.

So, sorry about that, I
apologize, I didn't mean to...

I'm hoping
I'm not disturbing you.

What are you wearing?

I don't know if you're talking,

but I can't hear you.

Oh, you can't hear...
Can you hear me now?

Hello?

Laura, can you hear...

Can you hear me,
Laura? Laura?
What?

Are you there?
Hello?

I can hear you fine...
Can you hear me?

Ben, she's teasing you.

- What?
- She's teasing you.

Don't you know that?

You're gonna have
to talk louder.

I can't hear you, dad.

I said, she's teasing you!

- What?!
- I can't hear you.

Dad, will you tell...
Dad?

Laura?!
Hello?

Just hang on,
I'm gonna put my dad on,

he knows a little something
about the phone system.

What?!

Dad, pick up the phone!

Please speak up,
I can't hear you!

You take the phone now,
dad, from me!

Dad, here's the phone,
talk to Laura!

If you're saying
something I can't...

I can, I can hear you fine,
you can't hear me!

Why are you yelling?!

And there's another
neat little feature,

- something called
"Bill tracking."
- Yeah.

And this tells you
who you called,

and how long the call was,
how much the call cost.

- So now...
- Is that new?

It's... well,
it's new in the sense

that you can just push a button

and it prints out a little
report immediately.

For instance, look,

it says here yesterday that
someone from this system

placed two calls to Prague.

Well, I could have
told you that.

Yeah, well,
now you don't have to.

That's the beauty of it.

Laura, I'm trying
to practice being upbeat

no matter what people say to me.

So you wanna try that with me?

All right.

I like you very much, Laura,
you're a wonderful person

and I'm glad that I've gotten
to know you over these years.

Could you please
take a step back?

Ha ha ha ha!
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Please take another step back,

because I can still smell it.

That's not nice,
but I'm very glad

that you pointed out
that there may be an arom...

Could you just face
the other way?

Yes... yes...
What did you eat?

There's no problem at all.

What do you mean you feel
ill-equipped for life?

I'm not prepared
for any emergency at all.

I don't know how to help
a choke victim,

I don't know CPR.

The only thing I know,
I learned from watching movies

when I was a kid,

that if you fall into quicksand,

don't struggle.

That's right, you're
not supposed to struggle.

I have never seen any quicksand
in my adult life, ever.

And in every movie
I'd watch when I was a kid,

all there was was quicksand.

It was on the road
going to the village.

People were dropping like flies

into the quicksand.

And I watched so many movies,
I became an expert on quicksand.

Like, I would see a movie
and I would go,

"That is way too oatmealy."

"What are they trying
to pull on me?"

When I was a kid,
I used to chew gum

and, then, like when the flavor

would go out of it,
I'd go in the kitchen,

and put some table
sugar in there.

And then I would go out
and play for about 15 seconds,

and then I'd run back
in the kitchen,

I'd put some more
sugar in there,

and then after
a couple of years,

I woke up one day and I said,
"Do I really need the gum?"

I guess what I'm
really trying to say is,

"Is the gum really
necessary?"

Or a third version
would be, "Why the gum?"

I don't think you need
a third version.

Hey, Dr. Katz, help me out
with this new joke

I'm working on.

Just give me a noun.

- Uh, pencil.
- Okay.

The guy who invented Mad libs

is laughing all the way
to the pencil.

And my entire family
is nonviolent,

but nonviolent
to the point of panic.

What do you mean?

When I was in 7th grade,
this kid said to me,

I had an argument
with this kid, he goes...

"I'm gonna kick your ass,
Kindler.

Three o'clock on the playground,

you'd better be there too.

Three o'clock
on the playground."

Not only did he want
to b*at me up,

he wanted me to make
an actual appointment

to get my ass kicked.

"I... at three o'clock,
let me see.

Ralph's kicking
my ass at 2:45,

that could run
a little bit over.

How would 3:15 be?"

I actually got in a fight
for the first time

in my life last year,

although, I don't know
if it was a fight

because I didn't
hit the guy back

or anything like that, so...

So what happened, exactly?

I came out of a bar.

At two o'clock in the morning,

this guy comes up and hits me
in the ear as hard as he can.

But I used
my self-defense move on him,

which consisted of
holding my ear

while back-pedaling furiously.

Yeah, and I just want to go back

just for one second
to this Prague issue because

I want to make sure...

It would comfort me to know

that these calls
are business related.

That's what I'm assuming.

Well, then they were.

That's comforting.

If you're not comfortable
talking about it,

it's really none
of my business, you know?

But I'm just assuming
that if you were gonna

have a relationship
on the phone with someone

in an eastern-European,
slavic nation...
- Yeah?

That you would, in fact,

assume responsibility
financially for those calls,

and would reimburse me.

I don't want...
I don't want to

back you into a corner,
but just be a little respectful

of the notion that I pay
the bills around here.

Okay?

I don't know what
I'm talking about, I'm sorry.

Can I buy you lunch?

Hi, Laura.
You're early.

I'm always early,
that's why I get the worm.

- What?
- The worm.

The early bird gets the worm.

What are you talking about?

- It's an expression.
- Oh.

It's an expression.

You know how sometimes people
take the humdrum,

day-to-day thoughts
and words of their lives

and try to transform them into
the poetry of human speech,

you know what I'm talking about?

You mean cliches?

He must be a lot of fun
to work for, I'm guessing.

Guess again.

He must be
a little fun to work for.

I'm gonna give you
one more guess

and then we're gonna
stop talking to each other.

Do you understand?

- Yes.
- Good.

You're very strict,
I like that about you.

Thank you.

You should be in the other room

and he should be out here
answering the phone.

Hmm, I've suggested it,

but he just never thinks
it's a good idea.

Well, I'm not part of that camp.

Because I think you're aces, I
think you're the cat's PJs

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

That's weird, 'cause I never
really liked you much,

but I kind of do now.

Yeah, oh, good.

It's good to meet somebody
with an agenda.

- Mr. Mamet?
- Yes?

Are you just blowing
smoke up my ass?

What do you mean, "Just?"

You know, I have to tell you

that I've only used hypnosis
on two other occasions...

Uh-huh.

...as a therapist, and I'm
not proud of either of them.

Yeah.

So it's really your call.

- Hey, listen,
I'm here to get better.
- Yeah.

- And whatever it takes.
- Okay.

Why don't you close your eyes

and listen carefully
to what I say.

Okay.

And as we get into this,

you will find yourself
becoming more and more relaxed.

Mmm-hmm.

If you pay attention
to your right foot,

you can feel the muscles
in it relax.

Feel the muscles
in your right lower leg relax.

The right upper leg
is now relaxing.

Now on the left side,

concentrate on the way that
your left foot is relaxing.

The left leg...

- Can I stop
for a second, doc?
- Yeah.

Is there a difference
between relaxing

and getting bored
out of your mind?

I think getting bored
is part of the process.

Okay, well,
I'm with you then, hit it.

Next, you'll be able to feel

the muscles of
your right hand relaxing,

the right lower arm and the
right upper arm relaxing.

Did I do...
I did your left leg, right?

I think so, I'm not sure.

I should really have
a checklist here.

Are you planning to bill me
for this session?

How's it going, Laura?
How are you today?

Fine.

Dr. Katz is getting me more
in touch with my feelings,

and I think it's very important
that I say how I feel.

So I just want to let you know

that I'm uncomfortable
around you.

'Cause Dr. Katz
says, "Get it out."

"You've got to get it out!

You've got to put it
out there."

Now, when you sigh,

that says to me that you're
uncomfortable with me.

I don't like that.

I don't like that, Laura.

I don't dislike you,
I don't like "it."

Sorry.

Sorry doesn't pay
the therapy bills, Laura.

- Who does?
- Um...

Because you come here a lot.

I have a trust fund.

Oh...

- Benny boy.
- How are you?
What's up?

Nothing much.

Just wanted to call
on the new phone system.

Ooh, that's great, dad.

This is about the third time
you've called today.

Well, I can
double-check that

because it'll display

how many times
I've actually called you.

Well, you don't have
to check it, dad.

Three times.

Don't you have
any customers today?

You mean "patients"?

Whatever.

I do, in fact, I've
already seen a few people,

but I just wanted to
take a few minutes...

- Ben, okay, let me tell you
the real reason I called.
- Okay.

You're on a conference call.

Get outta town.

I'm serious.

- Who's on the line...
- Laura?
- No.

The White House?

The White House...

No, I'm calling the phone
system's customer service...

Laura, I'm trying to work more

on my conversational
style with people.

Yeah?

So I was wondering
if you would do

a little role-playing
with me?

And you could be like someone

who would be having a nice
conversation with me.

- So how's
everything going?
- Fine.

What you been up to?

Not much.

Boy, the weather seems to be
changing on a seasonal basis.

You said it.

Hey, dad, I gotta be honest
with you here for a second.

Uh-huh.

- Your hold music?
- Yeah.

It sucks.

That's not my hold music,

no, that's the customer
service hold music.

Oh, because we're on...

And I also don't think
it's so bad, that's...

That's "The water music."

Is it Handel or Schubert
who wrote that?

Oh, who cares?

It was 200 years ago.

- They flew by, though,
didn't they?
- Yeah.

I think it's muzak, dad.

Not... not Handel.

I know, it sounds to me
like the real thing,

like a recording of
chamber music or something.

I always thought chamber music
was a bunch of chambermaids

getting together
and just jamming.

Then I'd go see a concert.

I'd take you.

Laura, am I
your favorite comedian?

Yeah.

What's funny about me?

You wouldn't say I'm funny

'cause I'm
funny looking, though,

would you?

Uh, I don't...

Because people always say
I look like horshack

from "Welcome Back, Kotter."
- Yeah?

- I've had that
my whole life.
- Yeah?

No, you're definitely heavier.

Please hold.

Right, is this guy
ever coming back, or...

I'm so glad you reminded me.

I'd better remember
why I called them.

Yeah, why did you call them?

Well, I'm having
some problems...

One of the things is
that calls would disconnect

in the middle of nothing.

Ben?
Hello?

I'm here, dad.

No, but, I mean,
is my nose that angular?

Do I have like a
horshack nose to you?

No.

Or is my nose
in proportion to my f...

Is my nose ethnic?

Would you know right
away I was Jewish?

Or might I be Italian?

If you didn't think about it.

Um, yeah.

So what do you think?

What do you think of
the conference call?

Eh, I could do without it.

Honestly.

- Honestly?
- Yeah.

I could do without it.

Please continue to hold.

Ben, I hope you've enjoyed this,

I better get back to work.

Well, I'm glad you...

I'm glad you included me
in your first phone game.

I feel honored.

It's not a game, it's...
Well, it's a game.

Okay, so let's move away
from this quicksand area.

Okay, but in the old movies,
I'm telling you,

if you moved away,

you'd fall into
another batch of quicksand.

You couldn't help it.

Why... why were they always
holding their hands

over their head
when they're going down,

what were they reaching for?

Uh, a vine?

I'm sure it's a vine.

Or a vine-oriented item.

I always end up doing
these corporate gigs

and they're
very, very depressing.

First of all, the people
don't want to be working

for the corporation, right.

And, secondly of all, they
don't want to be at an event

where the other people of
the corporation are there.

Understandable.

And, thirdly, they don't
want to have to focus

their energy on you,

and whenever I play
these corporate gigs,

they always have
a special request,

they always say,

"Hey, can you come
and dress as a table,

and we'll eat off of you
for a couple of hours,

and then you pop up
and do a couple of minutes?

Would that be okay?"

"Could you come in dressed
as a plumber,

and say you're here
to fix the pipes,

and we'll make a microphone
that looks like a wrench,

and then you can do


"Can you come in waving
a g*n and sh**t it off,

and as people scatter
towards their cars,

you can do a few minutes?

How about that?"

So these are not good... good
gigs, is what you're saying.

And they always want you to do

something about the people
who work at the company

but they never
give you information,

and they always say
like, something like...

"Hey, can you do something
about Bob?

Because he's from Chicago.

Maybe you could do something
about the fact

that he is from Chicago."

"Oh, yeah, all right, I got it.

Don't worry about a thing,
I'll take it from here.

Wait 'til you see me
during the show tonight,

you're gonna love it.

I'll give you the little okay
sign during my Chicago chunk.

Where is windy-city Bob?

Where is the man
who enjoys deep dish?

Where is the man who
occasionally likes

to stroll down
Michigan Avenue?"

You know, I have always
been the most resistant

of all of the three of us,

I would say,
to new technologies.

Absolutely.

But I finally am on-board,
I made the plunge,

and you know the expression,

"You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't
make him drink?"
Mmm-hmm.

- Now they can
make him drink.
- Wow.

But it's just... it's so
amazing what they can do now...

Boy, oh, boy.

With the... with... you know,
my dad had surgery last year.

Yeah.

And they were able,
using fiber-optic cables...

Mmm-hmm.

...to look inside
his lower intestine

while I'm on the other line.

You know?

They can look in there?

You know, through sprint
or something,

I don't know who's doing it,
but it's unbelievable.

You know what they found
in his lower intestine?

I don't wanna to know.

I don't wanna know that, either.

Ben used to think when roz and I

used to say the line was busy...

Yeah.

When he was a little guy,

he used to think we were
saying the lion was busy.

- Ooh.
- He was so stupid
in those days.

No.
No.

Because both of us
over-articulated,

if anything.

How many times has it rung?

That's five now.

Five rings.

I think it picks up after...

Now we're in between.

...after seven rings,

or if it gets to a certain heat
in the room, it'll pick up.

You know,
but I'm one of those guys

who's always said
that technology

doesn't make our lives simpler,

it makes our lives
more complicated.
Yeah.

I've come around
to the other side.

I'm now a believer
in technology.
Yeah.

- It hasn't picked up yet.
- No?

I think it picks up
by the eighth or tenth ring.

Remember the rotaries, dad?
Remember the rotary?

The rotary phone,
oh, don't get me started.

Am I the only guy
that actually owns

a rotary cellular phone?

Those are the days
when you had to put

some work into making
a call, you know?
- Yeah.

Now it's just, like,
it's similar,

but it's a little easier.

- Hey, dad.
- Yeah?

Remember the old phone system
you had in the office?

- Oh, that was great.
- Jeez, I miss it.

- It used to pick up.
- Yeah.

No, no, this, um...
You know...

How much did you drop
on this new system?

Because this is the tenth ring.

- Well, remember
graduate school?
- Yeah.

That's out.

You know, I heard
a terrible story.

You know, the worst thing
in show business,

people always want yo
to do things on spec,

you know?

"Do this on spec,
do that on spec."

Turns out the guy who did
Mount Rushmore did it on spec.

Well, that's got to provide
you with some comfort.

- You think?
- I think.

I used to write for
a greeting-card company.

I don't want to name them.

I mean... and I don't think
I did all that well,

I mean, I was supposed
to write condolence cards,

and the first thing
I came up with was,

"Heard you d*ed."

So you didn't really
understand the concept?

That's what they said.

Didn't you also write
another condolence card

that actually caught on?

The "Who d*ed
and left you boss?"

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that.

Really...
Do you really like that

or are you just saying that?

No, no, I think that's catchy.

Because I know that
you're kind of caught

between traditional
psychoanalysis

and straight-up,
pat-on-the-back,

that'll-be-58-bucks-
get-out-of-here therapy.

So it's hard for me to
know if what you're...

Where can you get
therapy for 58 bucks?

That's the part...

Oh, that's true, isn't it?

That's where you lost me.

No, I was taught to believe
that a little enthusiasm

is not inappropriate
in a therapeutic environment.

So give me a "d"!
"D"!

Okay, that's plenty.

- Oh, that's all right.
- Yeah.

But how can I believe in it?

Because, basically,
I'm paying you to say that,

I mean that...
Aren't I?

Or am I?

Not at all, not at all.

That's not what
you're paying me for.

What am I paying you for?

- I'm not sure.
- Okay.

My favorite town to
play is Las Vegas...

Oh, I love Las Vegas.

I go there every time
I'm booked.

That makes sense.

Sometimes the crowds
aren't that good,

but you know what?

No matter what, I give 20%,
no matter how I feel.

And I was on the...

I flew to Las Vegas
and they have one

of these shuttles

that you can save
a couple of dollars

on the taxi by taking a shuttle,

and it only takes
about seven hours

to get to the hotel.

And you will get luggage back

that looks very similar to
the actual luggage you brought,

in other words, if you bring a
duffel, you'll get a duffel.

Bring a valise, get a valise.

I heard these two guys
talking on the shuttle,

and they were from New York,

and the one guy says
to the other guy, he says,

"Hey, this guy told me he parks
cars over at Circus circus,

makes $100,000 a year.

Even if he's lying,
he's making $75,000."

I love the fact that this guy
buys anyone's premise.

He just thinks all he has to do

is bump it down by 25%,
that's all.

"That guy over there tells
me that he's Jesus Christ.

Even if he's lying,

he's John the Baptist,
for crying out loud."

But doing these jobs,
these engagements, you know,

it must be satisfying
in some way,

or you wouldn't keep
doing it, am I right?

Here's my impression
of me every time I go

on the road and perform.

Please allow me to proceed.

Come on, now, stop it.

You know what the music means,
Andy, I'm sorry.

Our time is up.