04x33 - Ben Treats

[bunniefuu]

Hey dad, I'm home!

Hey, Ben, I'm in here.

I'm in here.

Well, that's what
separates us, just one room.

What do you got there?
Is that breakfast?

Yeah, I got...

The supermarket was closed,
so I had to go to, uh...

Tell me you didn't
go to Larry's.

Went to Larry's.

Ben, we... we...

Dad, if the supermarket's
closed, I can't...

Yeah, but Larry's isn't
the place to buy food.

Larry's is the place
to buy toilet paper, or...

There's not a big selection
there, that's the problem.

And you know,
everything's dirty.

Well, why don't you heat up
some of the Gatorade and we'll...

I'll join you for breakfast.

I heard if you heat it for,
like, ten minutes, it thickens.

I'm gonna make an omelet,
do you want one?

I think we're out of eggs, Ben.

I got some.

There was three left at Larry's.

Uh, then we should
be out of eggs,

because those are not...

You know what I don't
like about Larry's,

is that whenever you
get a carton of eggs,

some are taken out.

People buy eggs
individually now,

and that is disgusting.

It's, like, someone's been
in the carton I want to buy.

No, actually, you know,

you can get all kinds of
awful infectious diseases

from eggs that have gone bad.

I know, I love that.

Botulism, Salmonella.

What, do you want them
fried or scrambled or...

I would boil them and
then boil them again,

just to be safe.

So dad, I'll cook up breakfast
and you sit back and relax.

- You're king for a day.
- Okay.

What are you doing over there?

Nothing.

Come to daddy, oh, yeah, get...

Yes!

Yes!

Payday!

Dad, dad!

What's going on, Ben?

Dad, look at me!

I'm happy.

Wait, what... what are
you happy about?

I just won.

My scratch ticket paid off.



Let me see that.

No, you're...

Sir Pay-a-lot just paid.

That's amazing.

I don't even have
good fingernails.

But I won.

Oh, my god, this has
never happened before.

I've always lost...
Never won.

What do you mean
you've always lost?

You've done this before?

What, played scratch tickets?

Yeah, I do it once...

With whose money do
you buy scratch tickets?

I saved up from
when I was a kid.

Ben, is that...

Are you spending
your Bar Mitzvah money

on scratch tickets?

I gotta do something with
those Israeli bonds, because...

The bonds, unlike yourself,
matured ten years ago.

But dad, I... this is great,
I'm a winner, you know?

Why are you ruining it?

No, I'm not, I'm...

You look upset.

I can't really say I'm proud
of you, but I'm happy for you.

Well, I finally did
something in my life

and then you just sit
there like a lump.

I'm a big winner over here,

and if you can't deal
with that, then fine.

It's a mixed bag, winning
money scratching a ticket.

Why are you doing this?

I just don't want you
to gamble too much, Ben.

It's addictive and dangerous
and it can ruin your life.

Do you know that I'm
constantly treating people

for gambling addictions?

Really? Is that true?

Yes... people have won
a lot more money than you,

and it ruined their lives.

They can't stop gambling

and they lose their job,
their families,

their self-respect.

God, that's awful.

But, um...



Read 'em and sleep!

I'll tell you, this makes up
for all those wasted afternoons

trying to figure out the ponies.

Wait, wait, wait...
Did you say ponies?

I said ponies.

I am originally from Indiana,
and I know what you're thinking,

"Indiana, mafia."

Actually...

But the fact of the matter is
where I grew up, Dr. Katz,

there was something very
similar to the mafia: 4-H.

You didn't mess with 4-H,

unless you wanted to wake up
with a cow head in your bed,

that or a basket full of apples.

I love it when people lie about
where they're from, it's like,

"Where you from?"

"Me? I'm from
Chicago."

"Oh, really?
Where in Chicago?"

"Uh, outside Chicago."

"But where outside Chicago?"
"Milwaukee."

It's amazing how mean you can
be to your brothers and sisters.

I saw my brother at Thanksgiving
he pulled me aside, he goes,

"Jim, I think I got
my girlfriend pregnant."

And all I could think was,

"That bastard's
got my shirt on."

"Take it off."

"Mom said
I could wear it."

"Take it off!"

You want to tell me why you
left your last therapist?

Well, I've had...
I've had two therapists.

And they were both
nice guys, I guess.

But I had this experience where

each one of them fell asleep

during a therapy
session with me.

Mm-hmm.

So I find the idea of therapy
a little bit humiliating.

Well, were you going
on and on about something?

I-I... okay, you know what?

I have to go to the bathroom,

can you hang on
for just a second?

Hold on.

Uh, Dreyfus session 418.

Julia thought I was making
a joke at her expense and...

I thought I was trying to
let her off the hook.

She was right.

Hi, I'm back.

Hi, thanks.

I... I mean, yes.

I mean, yes you are back.

Okay, umm...

Last week, you were talking
about your older sister.

I feel like we were
making some headway

and then you just
sort of clammed up.

Well, I really didn't have more
to say about it, you know?

Yeah.

Unless you want
to add something.

Well, I think she's right.

I've...

No, I'm sorry,
I really don't wanna...

Just remind me, you have
an older sister?

And an older brother.

And an older brother.

So you are in fact
the middle child.

No, I'm the youngest.

The youngest of three.

You see, I mean if
you don't... I don't...

I don't even think you're
listening to you.

I'm sorry, you know what,

I just stopped concentrating
for one second...

So that's the thing.

And the next thing you know,

you're gonna be off in
dreamland somewhere.

You know there is
something to be said

for not being too
alert in therapy,

and just sort of allowing
your mind to wander.

Well, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Dr. Katz.

Hey!

Oh, you know what,
I was just thinking...

It's all right,
it doesn't matter.

Can you hang on a second?

I gotta go pee again.

Dreyfus session 418.

Things aren't going well.

Ten minutes in the bathroom
to one minute on the phone.


Not good.

And I'm not sure she's
really going to the bathroom.

You seem particularly
agitated today.

It's my dry-cleaner.

Julia, you know you can't
let the dry-cleaner

dictate the kind of
day you're gonna have.

It's not fair to him.

They've lost two of my pants,

which is bad because
I don't have very many,

I'm pregnant.

How can you lose a pair
of maternity pants?

Is that a riddle?

Really, I mean it.
You know, they're huge.

Oh, guess what?

I have to go to the bathroom.

That was gonna be my next guess.

Can you hold on?

You don't have a phone
in the bathroom, do you?

Uh, I do, but I don't want
to talk to you on the phone

in the bathroom.

Oh, you don't have to tell me

when you're going
to the bathroom.

You can just say that
you're going to the kitchen.

In fact, you can do the whole
session from the...

Hello?

Laura!

- How're you doing?
- Good.

Ben Katz...

The new Ben Katz.

I had a very, very good weekend.

Great.

I had a very good weekend.

Very good...
How was your weekend?

It was great.

Mine was better...
Mine was better.

You know what
happened this weekend?

Saturday morning.

I won money on a scratch ticket.

Really? That's great.

Yeah, I just... I played
it and then I won.

Wow.

It was amazing.

That's enough to keep
you going for awhile.

Guess how much I won.

$5,000.

Um, no.

No, not that much.

That's... that's
a lot of money.

$2,000.

No, $2,000 is really
a lot of money, too.

It's 500,
I won... 500,

not 5,000.

Oh, that...
That's great.

I just scratched
three times, I won $500.

That's huge.


why you said that.

That's rude.

What if we try it again?

And we can... I'll say
"Guess how much?"

And you say, like, five bucks.

So, can we do that?

What?

Note to myself.

I gotta redecorate
this office...

Put a live fish in the fishbowl.

That wasn't good enough...
Say, "One buck."

Guess how much I won?

A dollar.

No, $500!

You know what?
I'm still not happy.

Say, "a penny."

Do that one time for me, Laura,

and then you can go back
to doing your stupid filing.

Okay?

Guess how much I won on
the scratch ticket.

Say "a penny."

- Say "a penny."
- A penny.

No!

Five million pennies!

No, it's 500,000.



That's what I won.

It's a lot more
than a penny, baby.

Note to myself.

Appreciate the little
things in life.

Take the time to
smell the flowers.

Get some flowers.

I'm a very lonely man.

Note to myself.

How are you?

Who's your favorite
professional therapist?

You are, you bad,
bad Dr. Katz.

Hello?

I feel like I'm
not likeable, you know?

There's these old guys
in my neighborhood

that just stand on the sidewalk,

they'll say hi to my girlfriend
but just ignore me.

They'll be like,
"Hi, sweetheart."

And I'll be like,
"Hey, how are you."

And they'll be like,

why are people, like, in movies,
whenever they're thinking,

they're always chewing on
the end of their glasses?

You know, it's like, "If we
give the alien a cold..."

You know what they're
really thinking?

"This tastes like wax."

Dr. Katz' office.

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

- How's it going?
- Fine.

I thought so.

I'm still riding that high,
I gotta be honest with you.

It's like, I remember
that last scratch

like it was yesterday.

There was no better feeling

than seeing that
number nine come up

underneath my dirty,
little fat finger.

Do you know what
I did when I won?

What?

Nothing, I was cool.

I didn't react,
I didn't go "Whoo!"

Like some kind of an idiot.

It's not the first time great
things have happened to me,

it's not?

Great things happen to me all
the time... I'm cool about it.

I don't need to be all,
you know, stupid.

You know what I mean?



I'm anti-pita bread.

Were your parents
anti-pita bread?

Pita bread has this connotation
of, like, being so healthy.

You're like,
"Oh, it's in pita, it's okay."

Take a piece of cheese...
Bad for you...

Put it in a piece of pita,

"it's okay."

I don't know how when
I go out to dinner

how like bread and
butter is suddenly

such a delicacy I desire.

"Bread and butter,
stale crackers, ice water!"

"We've got to have
this at home!"

So, I'm thinking
I was gonna do something

a little more special
with the money.

Oh, really? Like what?

I'm thinking about taking...

I'm taking the closest
people in my life,

I think, right now...

As we speak, the closest
people out for a nice dinner,

a nice $500 dinner.

Wow.

That's nice.

And the closest people
in my life right now

are, my dad, of course,

and you.

Me?

Yeah, you.

Oh, that's so sad.

You ever stay in a hotel room,

you feel like you can do

anything in that room,
don't you?

I always blow my
nose in the comforter.

They give you two beds,

I feel like I should use one of
them for something, you know?

Where do you usually stay, Jim?

Laura, you, me, my dad in
a five-star restaurant.

I mean, what more
could you ask for?

That's fantastic.
You're gonna love that.

Let me repeat it for you...

You, me, my dad,
five-star restaurant.

I didn't say "four."

I said "five."

Bring your triple-a card.

Because you get ten percent off.

Do you have one?

Yeah.

Bring it.

Do you like French food?

Uh, I don't know.

You don't know?

Do you know what French food is?

No.

It's like American food,
but glazed.

You like the heavy
cream sauces, don't you?

I guess so.

I'm gonna get you a side
order of cream sauce.

You know what they'll said?

They'll say,
"That's $5, sir."

I'll say, "Add it on."

"Bring two."

You know what
I'm gonna do, Laura?

You're gonna get
your food and...

I'm gonna send it right back.

I'll say, "Take it back,"

'cause I don't like it.

I don't like the way
it looks, get another one.

Why my food?

'Cause I'm gonna eat mine.

Maybe what you need
is a vacation, Jim.

Well, I don't know.

I don't like going on vacation,

'cause then you feel like you
have to see everything.

Feel like you have to write
everyone a postcard, you know?

You can be like a genius,

you try and write a postcard,
you look like a moron.

"This city's got big
buildings, I like food, bye."

Well, you don't have to
write that postcard.

Recently, I got
a postcard of the manatee,

the manatee on there,
the sea cow.

You ever seen that animal?

Yes, yes, I have.

It's called
the "sea cow..."

that sounds like
an insult to me.

It's almost like it was
introduced to the ocean,

the other animals were like,
"Who are you?"

And the manatee's like,

"You can call
me the manatee."

The other animals were like,
"Yeah, right, sea cow."

- "Call me manatee."
- "Sea cow."

"Manatee, manatee,
please!"

The manatee kinda
looks like a guest

on "The Ricki Lake Show,"
doesn't it?

"Ricki, I can't get laid."

And then somebody
in the audience

would offer up the advice.

"Yeah, I'm gonna say something
to the sea pig."

"- That's sea cow."
"- Whatever.

You think you're all that

'cause you're a fat
seal and [bleep]."

"I don't think
I'm anything."

"Well, what you gotta do

is get yourself an
education and a job."

"I live in the ocean."

"You live in the ocean 'cause
you ain't got no job!"

"I don't know what
you're talking about."

"You're fat, you gotta
get Weight watchers."

"I have a layer of blubber
to keep me warm in the water."

"Whatever, talk to my hand."

I just think it's
so sweet of him.

You know, it's so rare that
he makes a gesture like this,

that he makes a gesture.

And he's talking about
a five-star restaurant,

you know that?

I went to a four-star once,

but there was an eclipse so
it seemed more like a two-star.

Yeah, yeah, okay, Dr. Katz.

I went to a one-star
restaurant four times

in one week.

I have to tell you,
Laura, this would be...

This would really pick
up Ben's spirits.

They've been really down
for the past eight, 12 years.

"I think what you want
to chat with me

is not 'a-light',
not a-light.

Oh, hi, Mrs. 'Donahee.'"

uh... "Hi, Joe."

Ahh... zasu, zasu!

Anyway, so he
wants to use this...

His winnings to take
us to dinner.

Really?

Excellent.

I'd love a chateau brignon,

if he's paying.

No, his version of "us" is
me and Laura, and him.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm sorry if
I mislead you there.

How 'bout a hamburger?

Okay.

I'm starved.

God, this is so...

Is this great, or what?

Elegant... this place.

You know, this is actually
a table for four, but...

I arranged it so that
the three of us could sit here.

That's great.

That's what you get for
putting in a reservation.

So, is this nice
enough for you, or...?

Laura?

It's almost too nice, for...

It's very nice.

You gotta keep it down, Laura,

'cause this is a classy joint.

It's nice to see you, Laura...

In this lighting,
you look so beautiful,

if you'll forgive
me for saying so.

Do you two want to
be alone, or is it...

No, I just... I'm not
used to seeing her in...

I'm buying, here,
so everybody talk to me.

Remember they served you
a bowl of wonton soup,

and there was
a human tooth in it?

And the waiter took it back,

and everything was on the house.

And then we went
out the next night,

and you put a dime in
your baked potato.

And the waiter brought
you another baked potato,

kept your dime.

Remember that?

What's my point?

I'm not gonna pull
that kind of stuff anymore.

Ow, my tooth.

You okay?

It was a drama,

an hour drama on
weekly television

called "The Millionaire."

The premise of
the show was every week

this wealthy guy would give
$1 million to another person.

And they'd just
follow the effects

that that money had on his life.

That was the premise.

It's so narcissistic.

Ooh, big word for an
expensive restaurant.

Is this the way you guys
talk all day, every day?

No, this is the longest
conversation we've ever had.

Am I right, Laura?

And it's not going well.

Not really.

I thought this would go better,
because I'm treating.

Where's the wine?

Did I remind everybody that
I'm paying for this baby, so...

I'm starting to sweat.

Hey, there's our waiter,
do you want to...

I'm gonna order.

Because I don't see why
we should waste time,

let's get out of here quick.

Laura, if it was up to you,

people would be washing
their hands constantly.

But washing your
hands doesn't help...

There's still gonna
be fecal matter.

You know, this is
a five-star restaurant,

I think they clean
the fecal matter.

She's right about that.

They can't even see it.

It's only trace amounts.

What a great date
you are, Laura.

I love to keep continually
talking about fecal matter

while I'm eating.

Is there any way you
can fire her right here?

Laura, look, look.

Whew, look at that.

Hey, you two better lay off
the wine and eat your dinner.

People are starting to stare.

Oh, Dr. Katz, why are
you such a fuddy-duddy?

You're a fuddy-duddy daddy.

Loosen up.

I am loose...

You two don't know that I took
my pants off 20 minutes ago.

What?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm having a good time,
don't worry about me.

Let me be honest with
you for two seconds, dad:

You have always bothered me.

I'm glad we got
this out in the open.

Come here, you.

Pow, pow!

You're gonna get dirt in your...

Actually, over here, sir.

If you don't mind,
I'm taking care of this.

Oh, my god.

What's that?

Well, this is a little
over $500.

The wine was a little pricey...

I had no idea it was gonna
be $350 a bottle.

Apparently, the reds
are expensive.

Okay, I'm just gonna move
out of here very slowly.

Act naturally, I'm just
gonna slip out the door.

And I'm gonna warm up the car.

All right, I'll follow you.

Laura, you pretend to choke

and I'll pretend to
have a heart att*ck,

dad, pretend you have
diabetes, okay?

Do you want me to put
the rest on my credit card?

Well, you know,
that's not necessary.

Well, yes, it is.

I'd like to say to you,
I don't mind.

You know what, why don't
we just split it now?

Because I can't pay for it
myself so I feel uncomfortable.

Laura, why don't
you kick in 350?