04x38 - Sharon Meyers

[bunniefuu]

I got your memo yesterday
for a sick-and-tired leave.

Yeah?

If you wanna take
a couple of days off,

that's fine with me.

Just... you don't
have to be so dramatic.

- Dr. Katz?
- Yeah.

Can I take a couple of days off?

What are you?
Nuts?

No, it's actually...
Just pencil it into my...

What is this over here
in the book?

Dr. Katz,
Sharon Meyers called.

Sharon Meyers?
Is this a joke?

If it's a joke, it's not funny,

and if she called,
it's really not funny.

I thought that she understood

that this relationship
was not working out,

that she would have to
see another therapist.

Well, I don't know.

Did she call for an appointment,

or did she call just to say hi?
- Yes.

She wanted to set up
an appointment.

Let me put together
a list of referrals

and see if there's somebody

who I think would be a good
match for her, because...

Doesn't she have
an "x" next to her name

in the patient file?

Yeah, but that "x" is silent.

I should call
her back just to...

What does that mean?

Well, in this particular case,
it means that...

Extra crazy?

No, keep going.

Excommunicated?

Well, it's kinda like that,

because there was just
too much going on there

for either of us to handle.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, Laura, you see
me as a therapist

and as your employer,
but I am also a man and...

Dr. Katz, you're...

It's just that
Sharon was drawn to me

in a way that made both of us
uncomfortable

and therapy impossible,

and what complicated
this thing further

was that I found her
incredibly attractive.

Dr. Katz, you shouldn't
be telling me this.

You shouldn't be listening.

You worked as a substitute
teacher for a while?

Oh, yeah, New York City.

Yeah, that must have been rough.

That's a crazy job.

First of all, they call you
up at 6:00 in the morning.

They wake you up,
then they ask you

if you'd like to
come in to work,

and you're allowed to say no.

My first year of
teaching I made $72.14.

I had to work that one day

to show my dedication
to the children.

Did my voice just cr*ck then?

- Nope.
- Good.

'Cause sometimes I get misty
thinking about the kids.

I tell you,
you never stop hearing from

your college once you graduate.

They track you
down wherever you go.

Sure, well, now with
the Internet.

I gotta a call
recently... "Hey, Todd.

This is the university
of Florida calling.

We're putting
together an alumni directory.

What do you do for
a living now?"

I told 'em I'm
a child p*rn.

They were so disappointed,

they stopped calling
for two days.

♫ Do do do do do ♫

you ever go out to eat
in a big city,

like New York or Boston
or any other big city?

You get a little leftover food,

what do you do with it?

I'll tell ya...
Give it to a homeless person.

Then you feel like a hero
for the whole night.

Guy comes up to you, he's like,

"Hey, can you spare some
change for some food?

Change for some food?

Tonight is your
lucky night, pal.

We are skipping the middle
man tonight.

Honey, hand me the bag.

Sir, look what I got for you:

Two ice-cold,
leftover chicken wings."

Hi, it's me, Bobby Slayton,
here to see Dr. Katz.

Remember me?
Bobby Slayton?

No, not really.

He'll be with you
in five minutes.

All right, I gotta
work on my voice exercises.

Could you wait outside
the door, please?

You see, the thing is

is that if Dr. Katz is
gonna understand me,

I have to slow down.

I'm also seeing
a speech therapist

who tells me that I've gotta
go, "Hum, um, um, mum."

Hum, um, um, hum.

Eee, eee."

Am I bothering you?

Yes.

All right.

My wife says to me,
"You gotta go see a shrink."

She's always saying to me

I gotta be
sensitive to her needs.

And women always say,
"Tell me the truth.

Tell me what you're feeling.

Let me know what's on
your mind."

And every time I do that,

I just get myself in more
trouble, every time!

Like, the other day,
she tries on a pair of pants,

and says, "Does this
make me look fat?"

"No, your fat butt
makes you look fat.

Why are you blaming it
on the pants?"

"It's the fork and the
refrigerator and your mouth.

It's nothing to do
with the pants."

She's always
telling me how angry I am.

You're telling me how
angry I am.

Of course I'm angry!

All these morons out there.

People think Roger Moore's a better
James Bond than Sean Connery.

Of course I'm angry.

Hey, dad.

Hey, Ben... you know what?

Can you call me back
in a couple of minutes?

I can't tie up this line
right now.

I'm expecting an important call.

All right, fine.

Hello?

Hi, dad.

Ben, please, I asked you
not to tie this line up.

I know this is annoying, but...

Okay, Ben, I've gotta
keep this line open.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

I wanna keep this line open
for a patient.

Is she good-looking?

You betcha.

Pretty woman?

Well, yes,
as a matter of fact...

A very pretty woman?

Yes!

A very, very pretty woman?

Yes, Ben, she's very,
very pretty.

A movie star?

No.

All right, that was a bad guess.

Let me start over.

A pretty woman?

Ben, I really have to go.

Don't t*rture me like this.

I haven't seen you
in four weeks,

and I just think it ruins
the continuity a little bit,

and it's because
I haven't been...

I've been busy,
and it's hard to reschedule.

Well, y'know, we've tried
to accommodate you.

I know, I know,
it's just that...

Something that I should tell
you is that when I call

and I talk to your secretary...

Laura.

Laura...
She can be very, um...

What's the word... curt.

It's just a little irritating,

which is why it
would be nice if...

- What's her name? Laura?
- Laura.

Laura would be
a little bit more responsive

and a little less curt.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura, how you doing?

Fine.

What's... you sitting?

- Yup.
- Me, too!

What a coincidence.

Are you working, too?

Well, I'm... y'know,
I'm doing some paperwork.

Mmm...

Well, it's just... the point is
is that now it's been... what?

Five weeks or so...
I can't even keep track...

And before that, it was like

we're catching it,
like, as catch can.

We're actually
gonna have to stop now,

because our time is
just about up.

Well, let's at least try
to schedule for next week.

Okay, okay,
so I'm looking in my book,

and what is good for you?

I got... sh**t.

Thursday:
my son's playing soccer.

I can't... I've missed almost
all his soccer games.

I mean, this is
something we've discussed

about how to be a good parent.

So I'm not gonna be able
to come in on Thursday.

Can you do Thursday morning?

I'm just making a note here to
talk about parenting issues.

Well, how about
Thursday morning?

Thursday morning
doesn't work for me.

So, Laura,
can I ask you a question?

Sure.

I assume you know a lot
about my father's patients.

Yeah.

'Cause you have access
to all the files.

Are you sworn to
confidentiality,

or it's just him?

I've never actually been
officially sworn.

So you go around
and tell everybody.

That's a lot of power.

I guess so.

But a lot of
these people are here

because no one else
is interested.

Friday...
Can you do, like, 7:30?

Could you get in a little early?

I can't do that,
I can't do Friday.

Over the weekend?

I'm gonna be here
during the weekend.

I hate to do that,

'cause it's when I spend
time with the kids, but...

I also have a life, Alan.

Yeah, I understand.

You know what would be great

is if you can leave a couple
of painful memories

on my voice mail.

It's so hard for us
to connect physically.

Maybe this is the way
we need to work.

Recurring dreams, any kind
of medication you're taking.

If you could leave that
stuff on my voice mail,

at least when
we do get together,

I'll have a running start.

I just called to say that

I changed my mind
about the movies.

I think we should go tonight.

I don't think we
should see just one.

I think we should go and we
should do that thing

where we stay in
the theater for a while.

See, as it turns out,

maybe tonight is not
such a good night.

Well, why not?

You were the guy who asked.

Things are starting to happen
around the office,

and I may have to
work late tonight.

What do you mean?

Hey, there's a double feature
right down the block,

which we could
see tomorrow night.

It's just that,
dad, you were the one

who made the plans
about the movies.

Now you're retracting the offer.

I think you're doing it
just 'cause I said no,

and you know better
than to act like a baby.

This... I'm not being
vindictive here, Ben.

What do you have?
A date?

No, it's not a date.

In fact, it's quite
the opposite.

What... you have to
work late?

It's kind of work...

What do you mean,
"kind of like work"?

I don't know if you remember
a couple of years ago... nah.

I do remember...

I mean, well, I have pictures.

So it's kinda work,
but it's kind of a date.

Is that it?

No, it's not a date.

Do you remember
a couple of years ago,

I told you about a patient?

She was a dancer...

Right, she was a... right.

And I was treating her
for maybe six, ten months.

She was very attractive.

Well, if you believe
the pictures

that I have
plastered all over our house.

No, she is a very
attractive woman,

and that became an issue
in my treating her.

You mean her looks?

Yeah, it just became
too distracting for me and...

Yeah, well...

And my looks became a little
too diverting for her.

When looks clash like that...

Yeah.

So she called me, and I'm
just waiting for her to...

Dad, this was a woman
you were attracted to,

it's probably not
a good idea to...

Well, I just wanna remind her

of why we stopped seeing
each other.

That's all I'm planning to do.

It just may take a few hours.

What kind of reminder is that?

I'm gonna hand-deliver
the reminder to her, I think,

against my better judgment.

It's probably not
a good idea, huh, dad?

Didn't I just say that?

I think that maybe if
you give up your license,

tonight's the night!

- Y'know?
- Yeah.

All I'm saying is, y'know,
the job ain't worth it...

Well, that's...

She was a rockette.

You don't pass up
that opportunity.

I mean, that means
she can kick her own face

with her own leg.

That's amazing.

Have you made any progress
on the marital front?

It seemed to me like...

It's like I said to my
wife the other night...

She wants to be more romantic,

and I'm thinking, "I don't
know what you wanna do."

We've tried candlelight dinners,

and it's hard for me, 'cause
I can't see the food.

I tell her, "Put on the TV...

Get some light over here."

She wants to take
a bath together.

She lights
candles around the bathtub.

It's like a sacrifice.

One night, we take
a shower together,

and it seems to me that women

always like taking
a shower together,

'cause they're the ones
under the hot water.

I'm standing
there all shriveled up

with soap in my face, I got
shampoo in my eyes...

"Yeah, this is great, honey."
Well, that's a...

I'd like to continue... I have
no more feeling in my jaw.

You have a self-inflicted
speech impediment.

Sometimes my brain is
faster than my mouth.

Just can't keep up, man.

As long as they meet
back at the house

at the end of the day.

Yeah, okay.

I think part of your...

Charm?

I was gonna say "dilemma."

- Can we come back to the charm?
- Sure.

I think part of your dilemma
is that you speak so fast,

unlike myself, that you
find yourself with all this...

With a few hours at
the end of the day

which you don't know what to do.

Um, it's sorta like...
Yeah, it's kinda like that.

There's an exercise we can do

which might help you
decelerate your speech.

Really?

Yeah, it's called
"slow talking."

I was gonna go out and see

a double feature
with my dad tonight,

but he canceled on me.

Oh, wow, that's really sad.

So do you like
the motion pictures?

Sure.

Me, too.

Did you ever go to the movies

and eat a whole
jumbo pack of Junior Mints?

No.

Oh, god...
It's a good feeling.

Yeah?

It's total freedom.

Well, good morning, dad.

What are you talking about,
"Good morning"?

It's only...
I know, it's 11,

but isn't that what you'd
say when you're angry?

"Good morning."

"Well, look who's
here... good morning."

You mean like "good gracious"?

"Goodness gracious"
or something?

You shut your mouth
and you go to your room.

It's 11:00... it's pretty late.

Yeah, I should have called.

Y'know, I got...

It would have been nice.

There's phones everywhere.

So did you hook up with
that woman tonight or what?

We went for a drink,

and I just needed to
remind myself and her

that there was a good
reason for us

not to pursue the patient...

What's the procedure
I go by to press charges?

How do i... do I fill out
a form,

or do I call
the police now or...

What do I do?

Just bring me downtown.

I'm gonna make
a citizen's arrest.

I'll get the rope.

Okay... you don't need rope.

Ben... wait, wait,
Ben, Ben, Ben.

Easy, easy, easy.

What... hey, hey,
don't manhandle me, Ben!

I'm still a person!
Hey, hey!

I still have some rights!

Hey, shut up, all right?

I'll do the talking here.

You just keep your hands
behind your back.

Dad, if I'm gonna
make a citizen's arrest,

you could put up a fight.

I'll give you a head start.

Okay, go.
Ugh, forget it.

See that's the thing,

is you're too lazy
to arrest your own father.

I'm more like a detective.

I let the uniforms
do the job, the chasing.

But I don't think I did
anything illegal or immoral.

In fact, I don't like to
honk my own horn.

Would you come over here
and honk this thing for me?

It's just common knowledge

that you've gotta draw
the line there.

You're not supposed to be

seeing your patients
on a social basis.

That's what I did tonight:
I drew the line.

I just...
We met for a drink.

But isn't that officially
crossing the line,

if you meet your...

Well, she's not a patient
that I'm treating now.

I just was reminding her why...

Yeah, but, dad, you gotta know

that you have a lot of...
You probably still have

a lot of power over this woman.

No, I don't think this is
an abuse of my power,

to meet an
ex-patient for a drink.

Did you mess with her head?

A little bit.

Great.

You gotta occasionally
cross the line

just to know
it's there, you know?

Well, you're kidding,

but I think there's
something to that.

You gotta test the waters.

You're kidding again,

but I think there's
something to that.

You gotta put the baby
before the bathwater?

Is that it?

You can't throw out
the baby with the bathwater.

You can't throw out the baby
with the bathwater.

And even if you could,
where would you put it?

Yeah.

What about Tuesday?
Tuesday at 2:00?

Tuesday at 2:00...
Hang on one second.

Hey, Laura, can you switch
Mrs. Kowalski?

See if you can
get her on the phone,

if she can switch
Tuesday at 2:00

to later that day
or earlier that day.

That would be great.

And just pencil in
Mr. Franken for me.

Okay, let's move on.

I understand what it is
that you're upset about,

but let's move on.

Okay, it's just that, you know,

I'm not making
much progress in here.

I really am not, because...

You know what... I feel like
we're making progress.

Even though this is
what we're focusing on,

I feel like this is some
kind of progress.

I don't.

Am I hearing anger
in your voice?

Do you feel that
I've done something

that's unkind or not...

No, it's... I...

You're certainly allowed
to be angry at me.

There's nothing
that you can't...

Well, then I'm angry at you.

Okay... how come?

Because of the...
I can't get in here!

I can't...

Whenever I have to change
my schedule and I call,

it's frustrating.

I gotta deal with, uh...
What's her name?

- Laura.
- Laura!

And every time I need to
change the schedule,

we go through this thing,

where it's four or five
different times.

I pencil them in.

You can't make it,
I gotta hear a voice mail.

Okay, what are you
really mad at?

This... I think this
is what I'm angry at.

You think I'm angry at
something else?

Well, I think this is a very
easy target for your anger.

It's good that you're
displaying this anger.

This is a good thing.

But I feel like, still,
it's not about scheduling,

it's about... see, I think
that you, in some way,

want my approval.

No, I don't...

I think I used to
care about your approval,

but now that I've gotten to
know you, I don't care.

Uh, I actually think
it's a good thing

that you're not
looking for my approval.

I think that's a healthy thing.

Well, I'm not.

I approve.

Prostitution's still a crime...
That's kinda weird, huh?

It's so out front.

They advertise in
the yellow pages, they do.

Look in the yellow pages,

you see ads for escort services,

massage parlors,
and they have slogans

just like any other business.

I saw one that said,
"We give the best service.

No hidden charges."

What kind of hidden charges

are you gonna get
from a prost*tute?

A guy's gonna get his bill...

"All right, $100 for sex,
$50 for rust proofing?

Whoa, sunshine,
can you come here a second?"

New York City is
a sick place, man.

You know what I saw
there recently?

I saw a guy masturbating at
an a*t*matic-teller machine.

Yeah, I was grossed out
too, at first.

But then I realized,

hey, there have been times
I've checked my balance,

and I find, wow,

I've got a little more money
than I thought.

And you wanna celebrate.

Just take a couple of
deep breaths, count to ten,

and move that party to
a different location.

I just walked into my friend's
tiny, new apartment.

He's got his bed on
a loft 400 feet in the air.

That's gotta feel great

being a 35-year-old
bank vice president

who's still climbing a ladder
to get into bed at night.

He's all proud.

He's like,
"Hey, man, look what I did!

I lofted my bed, I put my
desk underneath!"

"Wow, this is a mansion.

This is like the Taj Mahal.

I got an idea for you.

Why don't you loft
the desk also?"

He's like,
"I will loft the desk.

You know what... I'm gonna
loft the cat also."

You ever have sex in
one of these loft beds?

Yeah... no.

I almost did.

By the time we got to the top,

she said, "My judgment is
no longer impaired.

Suddenly, I'm not into this."

I said, "That's all right, baby,

'cause I got a nose bleed."

Right.

I sleep on a futon myself.

These things are horrible.

What is the selling point
behind a futon?

"Well, in the daytime,
it's an uncomfortable couch,

and at night, it becomes even
more uncomfortable bed."

"Wow, both those
things in one unit, huh?

Wrap that baby up."

"Roll that baby up."

Whoops... you know what
the music means.

"Fold that baby up."

Our time is up.