04x41 - Wild Weekend

[bunniefuu]

- Dad?
- Yeah?

What would you say,
if I said to you...

Mm-hmm.

Bike trip, Nova Scotia.

Bike trip, Nova Scotia, how
would we get to Nova Scotia?

Bike trip.

I don't mind
going on a bike trip,

and having Nova Scotia,
even, as our goal,

as our destination, as long
as we agree with each other

not to be disappointed

if we don't leave
the city limits.

What if I make a sign...
"Entering Nova Scotia."

And you ride by.

Tell me again
why we need to do this.

Dad, we need a weekend to
ourselves, you know?

We need to get
away from the grind.

Ben, what grind?

What about a fly-fishing
weekend?

You always said
you wanted to do that.

It's at a stream.

In the mountains, we camp out,
there's a guide who guides us.

Is there plumbing?

You just hold it.

Yeah, but what if you gotta go?

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Where do you
think the animals go?

Yeah, that's true.

Let me rephrase that question:

Where do you think
the animals go?

Oh, you actually
want me to answer that.

Well, you know, I've often
wondered about that,

because, in the city
is littered with dog poop.

Yeah, I know.

But you get into the wilderness,

and you never see
any animal droppings

or animal corpses.

Have you ever been to
the wilderness?

I've seen footage.

You just can't
see it in the footage.

They take it out.

Oh, you think they touch it up?

Well, let's go to one
of those places

that have already
been touched up.

Let's just watch a nature
film and get this over with.

But your mother and I,
on our honeymoon,

I wanted to go
to a resort hotel,

and just sort of get pampered.

Right.

Your mother
wanted to go camping.

So you got divorced.

No... so we went camping
in the Catskills.

In the Catskill Mountains.

Right.


a rustling in the woods.

And she's scared, I stick
my head out of the tent,

it's shecky green.

Well, dad if we take a trip,

I don't think it's worth it
to take a comfortable trip,

I think we should be miserable.

You know, we should get out
there and we should take a...

You know that you can
do sort of a...

I mean, when's
the last time you took a trip

that required you to
challenge yourself?

When we went on that walk for
the heart-lung association.

That wasn't really a trip.

That was a, well...

It was a walk.

Yeah, but it was
a good hunk of the day.

I guess we did go through
the woods at one part.

The toughest guy on the block
happens to be mother nature.

I don't care what anyone says.

She can kick our asses
any time she wants.

That is so true.

The things that you discover
about yourself and each other

when you're pitted
against great odds.

Exactly.

And I'm talking about
the wilderness.

I'm talking about
survival, really.

You know, dad,

the thing about getting
out into the great outdoors

is that I think you learn
a lot about yourself,

and I think we'd learn
a lot about each other.

Yeah, I think that's what
I just said, isn't it?

Yeah.

But I... look, I'm not
resisting the idea.

I'm just saying that there
is a way to do this carefully.

And to plan it so that we
don't find ourselves...

Dad, I don't...

You ever hear the expression,
"withered corpses"?

No.

That could be the lead line
on a story about you and me

if we don't play
this thing right.

Who do you think
would last longer.

If we got stuck in the
wilderness: Me or you?

I figured it out, and I can
live off my own body fat

for 3½ years.

Go.

You make me open up...
I feel loose with you.

Well, that's good, Don.

I feel close to you.

Well, that's the whole idea.

You make me feel like
a whole person.

Okay, you want to
sit down for a second?

Yeah.

I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but help me.

I need to keep some kind of
perspective on your problems.

At least... so the six feet
would help me with the...

Between here and the couch.

What you're telling me
is you need more space.

That's all I'm saying...
Just a little more space.

So the couch back to the...

Back to the couch.

It's not... don't think of it
as a setback, you know?

Well, that's
the way I'm looking at it.

You just had me opening up now.

And now you want me
to close down again.

No, I don't want you
to close down.

I just want you
to open up from there.

Did you get that seafood salad
downstairs, it smells like?

Yeah, you could tell?

Well, you develop like...
It's like a...

I was gonna say a sixth sense,

but it really is the sense of
smell I'm talking about.

One of the old senses.

Yeah, one of the original.

They're great, aren't they?

Maybe we should do this
before lunch next time.

I know it's painful,

but you don't talk about
your family at all.

I mean, just
anything would help.

You grew up with a big... you
have brothers and sisters.

Yeah, that's usually
if you have a big family,

that's what... that's one
of the main sources.

Okay.

Were your parents affectionate
with each other, Don?

We had a big family,
so you've got to figure.

At least those few
times they were.

There were no outward
signs of affection, though.

A high-five
here and there.

Your father take you to the
ball game once in a while?

Yeah, but never take us back.

He'd take us to
the game and then leave.

That was the bad part, yeah.

You still in touch
with your siblings?

I don't know, we communicate,
but mostly by rumor.

It's... I don't know,
it was always so crowded.

It was an Irish background,
everybody lived together.

My grandmother lived
with us right 'til the end.

Mm-hmm.

She didn't die, we just went,
"Get the hell out."

I get pulled over
by the police a lot.

Why is that, Don?

A lot of times I like to sit in
the back when I'm driving.

That's a red flag
for these troopers.

Have you ever been pulled
over by the police,

and you didn't think
they were pulling you over?

Sure, I've had that experience.

You hear the siren
and you see the light,

you're with
somebody else, and you go,

"Somebody's in trouble."

And then you go, "It's us!"

"Let me talk to them,
I'm good at this.

Here, hold my drink."

Don, if you get your...

You could get your license
revoked, you know?

I have had it revoked...
You mean get it back?

You have a driving record, then.

Well, I'm not a... I'm not
a particularly good driver.

I'll admit that.

Last year, I was
in 11 accidents.

I came in fifth in the state.

A lot of them were not
my fault, I don't feel.

Mm-hmm.

I don't pay any attention
to driving, I read.

Yeah, so you don't
really feel responsible

for most of these accidents.

- No.
- For instance...

All right, last year,
I hit a guy.

He was in his living room.

We've all done things
we're not proud of,

and this is a strictly
confidential situation here.

There's nothing you
can't tell me.

Mmm.

So please don't feel
like you need to hold back.

I robbed a bank once.

Holy...!

I'm not proud of it,
but I can tell you now.

It was actually a cry
for help, too.

I wanted to get recognized,

and so I did it from
the drive-up window.

I figured even if
it was not successful,

it should make the papers.

Right.

I was serious about it...
I rented a g*n.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm in the line,
and I wrote a note.

I said, "I have a g*n,
give me all your money."

And finally, it was my turn...
That drawer opened,

and I put the note
and the g*n in the drawer.

How'd it work?

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, how are ya?

- It's Ben.
- Yeah.

What are you up to this weekend?

Are you busy, are you...

Yes, busy.

What do you usually do
on the weekends?

Um, I'm busy.

Really? How do you keep
yourself occupied?

Um, I just...

What do I do?
I'm glad you asked.

Because I like to go, get out,

go out there into
the wilderness and...

Really.

Okay, great... so I'll
talk to you later?

Actually, um, my dad and I,
we're going away together.

You know, it's been a while
since we've had a family trip.

And I decided, hey, you know,
we should go away again.

Tee-riffic.

You know, not just
a typical family trip.

I figured we could go
somewhere different,

make it interesting.

Go to, like, um, up north.

Yeah.

Just go north.

Keep driving 'til
we hit the ocean.

The arctic ocean?

We're gonna go hiking.

We're gonna climb up
and fall down.

We're gonna hurt ourselves.

We're gonna get helicoptered
to a hospital...

On one of those
red cross things.

Oh, great.

When you're strapped and

you can't move,
and the guy's panicking

like, "Don't move
your neck!"

We're gonna be like,
"Ow, I moved my neck!"

I was thinking last night...

I was lying in bed thinking
that... wouldn't it be fun

to just go to the airport,
travel light,

pick any city,

just, like, a fun city
and spend the weekend there,

check into a really nice hotel.

Yeah, but, dad...

Room service,
spectra-vision.

Didn't we have
this discussion, though?

That we weren't gonna
go to a city,

that we were gonna
go to the wilderness.

What is that called, that
dessert, something brûlée?

Crème brûlée.

Crème brûlée
sent up to the room.

We could go to a city.

And the weird thing is,
I'd like to go to some city

that's not a city
that most people

associate with a vacation.

Someplace like Pittsburgh, or...

You know, I did read
in magazine,

there was the ten
worst cities in America.

If we go to one of those...

That's what I'm thinking.

You go to a city
like Bridgeport,

which is a depressed city.

Exactly.

And they would go crazy if
they saw some American money.

Yeah.

I was thinking this would
be fun, every year...

And we'd get to see the country,

we'd go to a different
state capital.

All right, all right,
that's a good idea.

You know what the capital
of New York state is?

Uhh, New York City.

No, that's what most
people think... it's Albany.

Albany, New York, a place I've
always wanted to visit.

The capital of Nebraska,
I think, is Cedar Bluffs.

Man, I don't wanna
travel with you.

You're the most
boring man alive.

We have 30,000
frequent-flyer miles.

Really?

So we get a free domestic, or...

A free domestic.

A free domestic flight.

No, we get a free domestic.

I'm talking about some
household help.

That's illegal.

No, we can get either
one free trip, round trip.

Right.

Or we could each get upgraded
to first class,

but we can't get home.

You know what
would be kind of cute?

- What's that?
- Going to Cuba.

I would just like to yank on
that beard of his one time.

Who are you talking about?

Castro.

Oh, don't mention
his name in this house.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura, it's me...
Benjamin Daniel Katz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or should I say
Benjamin Daniel Boone Katz.

No, you shouldn't say that.

Well, listen, I just called
to ask if I could borrow...

Do you have a video camera?

Yeah, I do.

Because we are going
on this trip.

Oh, it's gonna
be amazing, though,

you're not gonna want to
miss all the stuff.

I'm gonna be eating
nuts, berries, plants, herbs.

I'm gonna be pooing green.

That doesn't sound very safe.

Well, you know, we can
take care of ourselves...

I meant for the camera.

Hey, Laura, you know, after
this trip, you know,

it's gonna be a full weekend.

You've never seen me with
a two-day growth, have you?

My hair will be all mussy.

And my clothes are
gonna be all tattered,

you know, from the hunt.

Wow, sounds great.

You know what?
Take the camera.

Really?

It's gotta be worth
at least one good guffaw.

I think I am ready to assume
my place in nature

as one of the animal kingdom.

Where exactly do you fall
on the food chain?

I'll eat anything,
if that's what you mean.

I feel bad for women.

They're constantly bombarded
with these stupid commercials.

"Suzie, how could you work
eight hours a day

and look so young
and fresh and vibrant?"

"Stay-free maxi pads."

"Yeah... did you hear the
question I just asked you?"

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

Tell me what you think.

Do you think I come by too much,

or do you think I call
too often... or both?

Both.

Both... I was gonna
say both, too.

Anyway, I'm here.

Yeah.

I'm here to pick up the camera.

- This is it?
- This is it.

It's just I thought
it would be bigger.

No.

Is this, like, a bad one
or something?

No.

This is, like, a little nothing.

How much did you pay for this?

$800.


For this little thing?

Yeah.

It looks like it came out
of the candy machine.

Can I show you how it works?

Um, I'll figure it out.

Just let me show you.

I've worked these before,

so I know, basically,
how to do it.

There we go.

Hello, Laura...
Say hello.

Ben.

Say some more...
Say something interesting.

Say something that would be
worth being put on tape.

Go ahead.

Laura?

Ben.
I'm right on you.

Wait, hold on,
let me zoom in here.

Holy God, that's too close!

Oh, Ben, please just
take it and go.

Let me get a better angle here.

You're late again today, Don,
is there a reason for it?

I'm not even sure if I
need to be here at all.

Well, you're here.

You made an appointment with me,

and you showed up


Right, well, I went to
see a shrink on the way in.

A second opinion kind of thing?

Actually, he figured his
would be the first opinion

and you would be the
second opinion.

Well, that's
adding insult to injury.

That's like putting salt
on an open wound.

Any other clichés you
might want to throw my way?

That's like... I was gonna say
it's like a stitch in time,

but that doesn't apply.

No, it does not.

But let's bury the hatchet.

Okay.

Okay, Ben, let me just
remind you, though,

that not everything
is interesting to watch.

You don't want to just
tape everything.

There's the Mr. Coatrack.

I mean, that's the first
thing that people do.

When they get
a video camera is just...

They tape everything and
they don't realize it...

There's the corner of the room.

And they narrate it,
which really baffles me.

As though people wouldn't
know by looking.

Panning out, panning in,
panning out, panning in.

It's all out of focus here...
Wait, hold on a second.

And focus,
and there's the plant.

If you guys want to do
something really exciting,

I think you should go to
a spa for a weekend.

But isn't that where
you just get pampered?

Not necessarily.

Not that I am not up
for a good pampering.

Yeah, well, that's...

One of the things
with the spas is they...

I think they give you a morning
massage and an evening massage.

Do you get massaged by a
masseuse or a mes... meshuggah...

Man or a woman?

That's the thing... I always
feel slightly sleazy saying,

"And can you make sure that
the masseuse is a woman."

You always say that?
You always request that?

I always request a woman,

because I'm not comfortable
being massaged by a man.

Yeah, I think they call it
h*m*-mysogy...

Mysogy-h*m*.

It has nothing
to do with h*m*.

No? It's just fear of being
touched by a man.

No, that's h*m*.

I didn't realize this couch
opens up all these years.

But this is fun, lying
in bed, on our own couch.

It's not exactly the wild
weekend I pictured.

Yeah, it's gonna get wild.

When we try to close
this thing up, though.

It's gonna get wild, believe me.

Well, you know what I say we do?

We'll sleep on it.

When's the last time you
slept in the living room?

When you had
your tonsils removed,

because I couldn't
stand the crying.

I wish we were
the type of people

who could get out there and
experience the outdoors.

Yeah.

As opposed to
what we're doing here.

Well, we shouldn't
rule that out.

Just because we weren't those
kind of people this weekend,

last weekend,
and every weekend before that.

Doesn't mean...

It doesn't mean
that we're not gonna

become those kind of people.

Yeah, so if we
work our way up to it.

So you thinking what
I'm thinking?

Mm-hmm, you betcha!

Order more food.

Salsa, please...
Pass it.

You know what?

Oh, dad, let's eat 'til we die.

Whichever happens first.

Yeah.

I'm willing to try.

Hey, dad, when we watch
the videotape I made

of us sitting
around here tonight


be great memories.

Oh, God, why wait?

Yeah.

Hey, food fight?

Seriously?

What the hell?
The place is a dump anyway.

You clean up.

No, Grace is coming in tomorrow.

All right, food fight.

I have a friend
that scuba dives.

He goes, "Oh, you know what
you're supposed to do

if a shark's
bothering you?"

"Bothering?"

This guy needs
to look in a thesaurus.

"You know, it really bothers me

when you shear my
legs off at the hips."

Mm-hmm.

"I find it very bothersome
to get back to shore

without my legs."

He says that when
the shark's bothering you,

you just punch him in the face.

Yeah, and when
that doesn't work,

you poke him in the eye
with your stump.

Mmm...

Punch a shark.

What if he wasn't
going to att*ck you?

What if he's just curious,
and he's swimming by,

and you go...

"Hey, what was
that for?"

"I thought you were
going to att*ck me."

"Yeah, I'm going to now."

"I was gonna let you go, but
the other sharks are watching.

It doesn't look good now."

You know what really bugs me
about plane crashes?

What's that?

When you watch the news,
and they say the people

have to be identified
by their dental records.

Well, if they don't
know who you are,

how do they know
who your dentist is?

Right, right.

I saw a crash on CNN,

this Piper Cub
crashed in a field,

and the news guy's standing
out there and he said,

"The plane crashed over
here, decapitated the pilot.

He's apparently dead."

Yeah, wanna double-check?

Maybe the head's
still alive by itself.

It's gonna be going, "Over
here, behind the bush!"

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I can't
feel my legs."

I saw an ad for
a Time-life book.

A guy jumped out of an airplane.

He fell 30,000 feet,
his chute didn't open,

and he lived to tell the story.

You know, I would have
loved to hear that story.

What made you
decide to go on a diet?

I realized I was not in shape.

I realized that when I
got winded in an elevator.

That's a bad sign.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't gain all
the weight in one day.

Like, there's indications.

If your socks are tight,
that's not a good sign.

I got to be honest,
I realized I had a pot-back.

And that was bad, you know?

Yeah.

Do you try to stay
in shape? You exercise?

I tried lifting weights,
but, boy, those are heavy.

There should be
a warning on them.

Yeah, I think there should be.

But I'll tell you one thing,
you look healthy.

Maybe some of your
habits are not good,

but you must be doing
something right.

I'm trying, I'm trying, doc.

I'm a vegetarian now.

Good for you.

I eat meat, too.

Well, that's good.

Hi, Laura, how're you doing?

Fine, how was the weekend?

It wasn't as wild
as I had expected.

Oh, really?

Probably as wild as I expected.

Well, you got me.

You know the part
about going away?

- Right.
- We didn't do that.

But we stayed in, and I
videotaped some stuff.

It's all on there.

I also dubbed off 12 hours
of British television.

Great.

You know, even though
I didn't take a trip, Laura,

I did learn a lot this weekend.

What was that?

If I spend another second with
my dad, I'm going to explode.

Now, Don, this was
a really great session.

Great, better than great.

You don't know what
you've done for me.

Well, I'm getting a sense of it.

Well, I'm telling you,
you have done a lot for me.

I don't really shake hands
with my patients,

but you've got
a good grip, you know.

Can I have that back now?

All right, well, I gotta...

I'm telling you,
I really appreciate it.

- Okay.
- And thanks.

I'll be putting this
in my pocket now,

if you're done with it, okay?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Sometimes, I forget that
I'm holding your hand.

But you know what?

Now it's time to
let go and just move on.

Because, I know you don't
like to hear this,

but I'm seeing other patients.

Ooh.

And, you know,
this is a problem with us.

You have to get used
to that notion.

So that reaching out
and touching someone is...

Well, you're hurting me.

Oh.