So, dad... no,
I can't do it tonight...
Oh, god.
Dad, will you get off
the phone, please?
No... one second.
No, no, I gotta...
No, promise me that...
Promise you won't try to
do it by yourself...
Hey, dad, dad...
Hold on one second, dad.
Get off the phone.
Get off your high horse,
young man.
No, you get off the phone.
Hold on a second, dad,
Ben's on his high horse.
I'm afraid he's gonna
hurt himself.
You just have to
get off the phone,
because I gotta make
a quick call.
Okay, Ben needs
to use the phone.
Okay, bye, bye-bye.
Ben, when I'm on the phone...
Hello, am I the...
Grandpa, hang up the phone.
No, you're all done.
Okay, okay, bye, grandpa.
God. Just basic
manners, Ben, are so...
Yeah, yeah, you, too.
Hello, yeah? Who are you
calling that's so important?
Am I the tenth?
Who are you talking to, Ben?
Really?
That's great!
- Yeah!
- What's going on?
W-F-E-N, it's fen!
Is that on the air?
Crazy Jake in the morning,
of course.
Okay, I'll hold
for the information.
I didn't win.
What didn't you win?
A contest.
So to congratulate you would
be inappropriate then, right?
No.
Well, congratulations, Ben.
Thank you very much.
You've not won again.
It's the 23rd time this week.
What exactly is the contest?
What were you calling in for?
I was listening to W-F-E-N,
which is fen!
So if I called,
and I was the tenth caller,
I win a free helicopter ride
on the traffic copter.
But the thing is,
I was the runner-up,
and should anything happen
to the winner,
I would be the guy,
I'd be the winner.
Remember when we were watching
the Miss America contest
a couple weeks ago?
Yes, yeah.
And remember what you said
when they showed
the first runner-up?
Big loser.
What's your favorite
radio station, dad?
W-F-E-N, fen!
I think... I don't even
know what that means.
You need a new role model.
Besides this Crazy Jake guy.
No, dad, he's the one.
You know why you
like these guys so much?
Because come 10 A.M.,
their day is done.
That's why you
admire them so much.
Good morning, Laura.
Dr. Katz, what are you
doing here?
I work here.
But I thought you
were already here.
What?
I already sent a patient
into your office
about 15 minutes ago.
See, that's why, Laura,
you should always buzz me
before you send patients in.
No, that's why you should
always get here before I do.
You know what makes
me nauseous, doc?
What's that?
The word "eggs" in the morning.
I mean, I can eat 'em,
but I used to remember my
mother would come at me
like just big,
like a fish-lens camera...
"Hey, Dom, you want
some eggs?"
My mother used to
drive us nuts with food
when we were kids.
"Don't eat the mayonnaise
if it's been out in the sun.
Salmonella, salmo, salmo..."
I didn't even know
what Salmonella was.
'Til I was 12 years old,
I thought
Salmonella was some guy
who used to go around and dip
his butt in chicken salad.
That's the kind of
stuff that stays with you.
You know what I mean, doc?
I'm in an airport
in Atlanta... true story...
I say, "Can I get a chicken
sandwich?"
The lady says,
"Do you want mayonnaise?"
I said, "I hate mayonnaise."
She says, "You want it
on the side?"
I said, "Why would I want
it on the side if I hate it?"
"To remind me how much
I hate it?
How glad I am
I don't have to have it?"
Then she says, "You want
potato salad or coleslaw?"
I said, "Are you not
listening to me?
Don't they both come in a
mayonnaise, curdy-soup gel?"
I'm still trying to be
nice to her.
Do you know what I mean, doc?
I'm trying, I'm trying.
I see her name on her lapel.
I say, "Give me a small coke,
please, Edna."
She said, "We don't have small.
We just have medium
and large."
I says, "The smaller one."
She says, "We have
medium and large."
I said, "Look,
you see the big one?
Not that one."
Now, do you ever
think that maybe performing
is not what you're ultimately
gonna end up doing?
Well, look at me.
First of all, I'm an actor.
- Yeah.
- I can act.
Listen to this.
"Why don't you come
over here, Sonny, and..."
That's good, don't you think?
Or look at this.
"I fear it is true, madam.
I have many sources
of information.
I will do all in
my power to aid you."
You see, I can act.
That's fine, that's good acting.
I can dance.
♫ Dr. Katz think I'm
falling hard for Dr. Katz ♫
♫ Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha,
cha-cha-cha ♫
Doc, does it bother you when
I touch your face like this?
- A little bit.
- Is that inappropriate?
Is it inappropriate for me
to hold my hand there
for the rest of therapy?
Nope, it's not
appropriate at all.
Do you feel awkward?
Try and get me off,
try and get me off.
Please don't do that.
You know what, doc?
Is there any chance
you brushed in the last,
say, 30, 40 days?
Because all I'm gonna
say to you is
every time you open your mouth,
it reminds me I haven't been
to the elephant house
in the zoo for awhile.
And I don't mean that
in a bad way.
A friend of mine
who went to clown college,
right, flunked out.
How sad is that?
Do you know what it's
like when you flunk out?
All the other clowns taunting
you with their horns.
So sad.
Sad face of a clown.
How do you tell
your parents that?
You can probably go:
Are you, uh,
are you supposed to go now?
Are you a patient?
I'm actually not here to
see the doctor.
Well, I mean,
I'm here to see the doctor,
but I'm not a patient.
I'm his son.
It doesn't really get out
who's been here, does it?
Is there kind of a buzz about
who's been here?
Who's "Ben" here?
- Yeah.
- Like me?
No, I'm...
I'm Ben.
Yeah.
- Oh, you mean "been."
- Yeah.
- Who's been here.
- Who's been here.
You pronounce it "Ben."
It's "been."
Who's been here.
Where are you from, Europe?
You think he's gonna
ask me about sex?
'Cause that's...
I'd kinda like to just bow out
if sex is gonna come
into this, y'know?
Yeah, that's a tough issue.
It'd be good if it was like
when you order ice cream.
You can say, "I want it",
"Y'know, a swirl
with vanilla and chocolate,
but no sprinkles."
Like, you have control.
I would like it if I could say,
"Yeah, I would like therapy.
I would like it if the issue
of sex never came into it."
You know what I mean?
Do you think that's possible,
that I could ask for that?
Well, I'll tell you this,
I love ice cream.
What the hell was that?
I don't know, you mentioned it.
Yeah, okay.
I feel like you're
not even listening to me.
I hope your dad is a little
better at this than you...
Not at all.
It's strange 'cause people
don't know that I'm very tall.
I sit down for a living,
I sit behind a desk.
I actually...
The chair has been lowered.
So that I'm less threatening
to the guests.
And that bothers me,
because, I think, on TV,
I come across as
a very small person,
pasty white,
kind of insignificant.
That comes through.
Yeah, but people don't
know that in real life,
I'm pretty virile...
And overbearing.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you see it.
I have a disproportionate body.
I have the legs of someone
who's about 7'2" tall,
and I have the torso
of an 8-year-old boy.
So that's always been
kind of a problem.
When I take my clothes off,
a lot of times, women...
They just spend a long
time looking at me,
and saying, "Are you okay?
Is there someone
we should call?"
I say, "No, this is how I look.
This is just, y'know,
I have really long legs."
And after awhile,
they call me a cab.
Have you heard the news?
You must have, huh?
My dad told you about it.
Naturally, I'm sure he...
Was the first thing that
came out of his fat mouth.
You're moving away?
No, no, I'm gonna be riding
in a helicopter Saturday.
A chopper, a whirligig,
a super chopper,
a chopper-dopper.
I'm doing the traffic report
for the W-F-E-N traffic.
I won a contest.
I sort of won,
but I didn't quite win.
I was almost there.
It was like right before
the winning.
You know that level
right underneath win?
Lose?
No, it's not quite lose.
It's that level right above
lose and right under win.
The other lose.
But, no, I was runner-up,
and if the guy who won.
Can't be there for some reason,
like he explodes in a bloody
mess all over his house...
Little Benny, big chopper.
Hey, that's a good
name for a TV series.
And are you close to
your family now?
Well, I speak to them,
mostly through lawyers,
which I prefer,
because then
everything's on paper.
- Do you see what I'm saying?
- Sure.
It's just a system that works,
and I can access those files.
As adults, now do you get along?
Well, we have a hard time
being honest about
how we feel with each other,
so we use a lot of sarcasm
in my family.
Maybe sometimes, you know,
I'll say to my sister on
her birthday or something,
"Hey, happy birthday.
I really love you."
Which seems to work pretty fine.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
And if I seem tense,
I want to apologize.
Well, how do you relax,
how do you unwind?
It's hard, 'cause there are
limitations.
There are a lot
of things I can't do.
For example, I can't go
to the beach.
'Cause I'm so pale.
I'm genetically engineered
to live in a bog
in northern Ireland.
So it's just such a big
production to go to the beach.
I have to wear a shirt
and long pants,
and actually, shoes.
I have to wear big black shoes
when I go in the water.
I have to put on a really
powerful sunblock.
I have to wear
this big, floppy hat
that makes me look like
Rose Kennedy.
Hey, it worked for her.
It's hard.
I'm not one of those guys that
can just take off my shirt
and run down the shore
like David Hasselhoff,
because I'm very skinny
and very white,
and when I run,
it looks like I'm fleeing.
Some kind of incarceration.
I look like
someone who was locked up
in some kind of a cell,
and I broke out, and I'm
escaping down the beach.
Ben, why are you doing that?
I'm at the corner of
Washington and Fairbanks,
and we have an abandoned vehicle
causing major backups on the...
There goes...
The bridge just fell,
and we have a huge
situation here
with the bridge
going into the river.
Ow, I think I lost a nipple.
When you're ready to have
a conversation with me,
call me back, okay.
Dad, just play along.
Okay, what's up, Ben,
what's going on?
Here we go again...
Ready?
Ow.
People are now out of their
cars at the intersection.
It's like a God [bleep]
parking lot out here.
There's a [bleep] backup.
Ben! You wouldn't even
believe this [bleep].
Traffic is like a big cluster...
Hey, what do you
think of this African outfit
I have on today, huh?
Jambalaya!
- I have to, have to...
- Guess who's here?
You really...
You put a lot of work
into how you come dressed.
Well, first of all, I love
the way I dress normally,
and I love my
hat on backwards and all,
and I love my sneakers
and my butt.
I also think,
"Why not go a little crazy?"
Why does Halloween have to be
the only day you dress up?
I say dress up
everyday but Halloween!
Am I right?
I can't hear you!
Yeah, I wish that you cared
as much about therapy
as you do about your appearance.
I care about a lot, doc.
I care about you.
What do you say we go get a
little grub after this, huh?
Me and you, Dr. Katz,
Dom Irrera... come on.
Come with me!
It changes everything.
Maybe it makes it better.
Is it so wrong to be
a friend, too?
Once we cross over
that line, Dom, that's it.
There's no turning back.
So we don't turn back.
We walk forward, like two men.
Two manly men.
Two men who are so secure
in who they are.
That they can sit
and watch a movie and cuddle.
What is wrong with that?
- Hey, Laura.
- Hi.
I wore my button-up
for this.
- How do I look?
- Constrained.
Good... that's the look
I'm going for.
Can you breathe?
Not well.
Hey, Laura, is there a roof key?
Mm-hmm.
So can I get that from you?
'Cause I've gotta go up
to the roof.
I'm not supposed to
give the roof key out.
Well, I won't say anything.
I can't do it.
Why don't you come up
with me then?
I can't just go up to the roof.
I'm working.
- Look, it will take 15 minutes...
that's it.
- No.
- Like, a half-hour.
- Uh-uh.
All right, an hour,
but that's it.
All right.
Doc, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Will you be my...
My friend?
I don't think I can be
the kind of friend
that you want me to be.
Can you, can you
imagine how lonely I am,
the depths of loneliness,
for me to have to ask
you to be a friend?
And I say that with
all due respect, doc.
Let's face it.
See, I think that
that's an aggressive thing.
For you to do, to ask me...
No, no, this is
an aggressive thing.
Better duck, big boy!
Whoa... ow!
Sorry, doc.
Who's ticklish?
Who's ticklish?
Come here, come here, come here!
Don't do that!
♫ Dr. Katz
cha-cha-cha ♫
♫ I think I'm a... ♫
Come on, let me spin you once.
Anytime it gets a little too
scary for you emotionally,
you strike out
physically or you tickle me.
Made you look.
I didn't look.
I'll tell you, a bird's-eye
view of this world...
You know, people say it's great.
It's not.
When you get up high
like this on the roof,
and you look down and you see...
You really see how
little everything is.
Yeah.
Then when you're down in it...
- It seems bigger.
- It's all big.
Yeah.
It's the lie that we live.
Laura, take a look over here.
That abandoned vehicle
right there.
That's gonna cause a tie-up.
Oh, wait a minute,
that's parked.
Those are all parked cars.
- See that parking lot over there?
- Yeah.
It's almost full.
I would not go to that mall.
Not today...
Too many people.
See that bald guy?
Get a wig.
I've never had you
snap at me like that.
That's the first time
you ever...
- Well...
- But you know what?
That makes me feel
like you care.
Well, just like with the...
No, stop, please.
Please, stop.
- Dom...
- What?
Y'know, just like
a child needs limits...
Limits?
Hey, guess who's ticklish?
Guess who's ticklish?
Come here, come here, you,
come here!
Stop!
Hey, who's got your nose?
Don't, don't, don't...
I hate that, I hate that!
Look, look, look, look!
Okay, it's you...
You have it!
All right, here it is,
here it is.
♫ Dr. Katz cha-cha-cha
I think I'm fall... ♫
Come on, just go with me.
♫ I think I'm falling hard
for Dr. Katz ♫
Now dip a little.
Perfect, thank you.
That's all I needed...
Thank you.
Now can we get back
to the business at hand?
Yes, we can.
I'm sorry.
Because if you're
gonna pull this stunt
every time you come in here...
It's not a stunt, per se.
Hey, what do you
think of my Latin?
I feel like with you,
I take two steps forward...
And don't interpret this as
an invitation to dance.
♫ Cha-cha-cha
come here! ♫
♫ Ra-ta-ta-ta Dr. Katz ♫
♫ Cha-cha ♫
Hello?
No, no, this is his father.
Can I tell him...
Oh, yeah, sure,
hold on one second
he's been expecting your call.
Hold on one second.
- Ben, it's...
- Who is it?
It's the traffic guy,
Jerry Braggins.
Jerry Baggins.
Is it Jerry Braggins
or Jerry Baggins?
It's Jerry Baggins.
- Jerry Baggins.
- Yes.
Why are you talking like this?
That's how I get excited.
"This is Jerry Baggins."
I've never seen you
this excited.
He's the traffic guy!
All right, just give me
the phone, all right?
Hi, Jerry, how ya doing?
I heard you yesterday.
I loved the show,
that was great.
Boy, three jams in one day.
That's payday, my friend,
in this business.
Yeah, I mean, that was...
Not even some of the major
freeways were held up,
even some of the side roads.
That's exciting.
I know you don't have
time to talk, I just...
Oh, right, uh-huh.
Okay, that's great.
Give me a call sometime
when you're... hello, Jerry?
What's going on, Ben,
what happened?
The guy, Michael, is doing fine.
So I'm out, I'm not going up.
I'm gonna have to return
that helmet I bought.
I'm sorry.
Really, you know,
you really did your homework.
You know what, to be quite
honest with you,
it's a big, steaming load.
Remember when I said to you
there are no losers
in this contest?
Yeah.
Thanks, dad.
Laura, can you tell Conan
to come in now?
I'm sorry, we'll have to
pick this conversation up
a little later.
I just feel... I mean, I'm not
someone who likes to be naked.
It's just... it's the way
I grew up.
Well, you've inherited
your parents' shame,
which they
inherit from their parents,
and which you will
hopefully pass on
to your children someday.
I'd like to leave
them something.
But the human body, Conan,
is really a very
beautiful thing.
All people are beautiful
in their own way.
See, I don't agree that every...
I mean, come on, not every
human body is beautiful.
I mean, go to the beach
some day and look around.
Well, that's different,
because the lighting there
is superb.
And you can see all the flaws.
I'm talking about in
a dark nightclub.
Let me ask you this:
Do you have any recurring
dreams, Conan?
I dream about the show a lot.
I go out in front of
the audience,
and the entire audience
is comprised of my parents.
And they're saying, "Boo, boo."
"You're not good enough.
We don't love you
enough."
Well, it's always the same dream.
And it's always your parents?
There are about 20
duplicate sets of my parents,
which means there are
empty seats.
Those are filled with
various dictators from history.
There's... Qaddafi's in there,
and Idi Amin.
h*tler has, like, six seats...
He brought friends.
And is Idi Amin sitting
behind your parents?
He's sitting behind
and to the right,
and he keeps leaning over.
And whispering something
in my dad's ear,
and my dad will laugh
and say, "Now, that's funny."
I have this dream a lot.
You want the approval
of your parents.
You think that's it?
Do you think that's
what it means?
No, I'm not talking
about the dream,
I'm talking about what
you said to me last week.
Oh.
When you said you want
the approval of your parents.
Well, I would like to know...
I've been in therapy
now for... what's today?
Today is Tuesday.
That will make it 21 years.
Okay, and I really
would like to know:
When I am gonna get better?
Well, Dom, that's...
I mean, I'm still agoraphobic,
and I still don't
know what it means.
Well, agoraphobia is, uh...
Yeah, let's come back to that.
You know why
I feel great about myself,
and I'm never in a panic,
never in a rush to go anywhere?
- Why?
- Adult diapers.
Look, can't see nothing.
No, I don't mean to be rude,
but as we were talking,
I was relaxing...
If you know what I mean?
Ahh!
Plus, it's deodorized.
Now I'm hungry again.
Dom, you know what
the music means.
C'est la vie.
I really feel better, thank you.
Thanks a lot, doc.
Hey, thanks, doc.
Thanks for nothing.
I never paid for nothing before.
It's great.
Let me dish out some more
money for this nothing.
I never go into a store.
And go, "Here's some money,
I'll take nothing."
But yet I come here
every day and I get no help.
Why do I come back?
The odds are
someday you'll help me.
Just by random.
04x42 - Chopper
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A therapist struggles with problems of his patients, while dealing with the ones in his personal life.
A therapist struggles with problems of his patients, while dealing with the ones in his personal life.