05x47 - Fanny Pack

[bunniefuu]

Hey, um, Julie?

Do you think you could

fall in love with a guy

who wears a fanny pack?

Yes or no?

And don't think about it.

Well...

See, already you're
thinking about it.

You're disqualified.

Let me try
a different angle -

a pair of identical twins

ask for your hand in marriage.

One of them wears a fanny pack

and the other doesn't...

Which would you go with?

♫ Dum-dum
dum-dum... ♫

what do they call it
when someone gets

fixated on a particular thing?

Annoying.

I'm sorry, I have a dilemma

because I need to carry

my beeper, my cell phone

my electronic organizer...

I just need some way

of transporting
all this stuff...

How about a mule?

That's not the craziest idea.

Have you tried wearing it...

On the back or on the side?

I like to wear it
sorta like a holster.

So if the phone rings,

y'know, boom!

Just off to one side?

Yeah, but I think
it's not so much

how you look in the fanny pack,

it's how you feel about

wearing a fanny pack.

Just becoming comfortable

being the kind of guy

that wears a fanny pack.

I am not that guy yet

but I hope to become that guy

because it's so convenient.

I think they're hideous.

I do too.

I'll give you some time
to think about it.

Do you want syrup on this?

Yeah, yeah.

Guess how much this cost, Ben.

Dad, I don't like
the new you at all.

I wasn't thrilled
with the old you,

but uh...

In this thing, I don't just
have my cellular phone,

I have my digital organizer,

I have my voice recorder.

I have um...

You haven't checked
in awhile, have you?

Why are you wearing
that, really?

I think what this says
is that I'm in touch...

You're hooked up.

I'm hooked up, I'm accessible,

I'm tuned in...

But, who needs to get
in touch with you?

Well, that's the issue.

That is the issue,
that's why I asked.

I'm responsible for
the mental health

of more than 30 people
at this point, Ben.

What is it that you do?

I'm a mental health
professional.

That must be rewarding work.

I think that maybe you're
going a little overboard.

Why do you need to keep
everything in one unit?

Because all my electronic
things are team players.

So if I have my cell phone

and not my digital organizer,

which has the numbers in it,

my cell phone
is rendered useless.

And without you, all these
things wouldn't be.

I'm a key player in this mix.

You're part of the team.

That's right.

I like to think I'm the captain.

Of "Team loser."

Anyway, try to guess how
much this thing cost.

It's 100% rawhide.

I would say 50 bucks.

Down.

$49.99?

No, go down.

Ummm, 2 bucks.

It rhymes with
"Date-teen."

You paid $15.00
for that?

What happened to your mind?

You paid how much for that, dad?

I paid $18.00.

Rawhide ain't cheap!

Would you say one
nice thing about it, please.

Fix your hair.

Hi, I uh...

I'm, uh, here to see the doctor.

Okay.

Excuse me?

Got it!

Right, I'm sorry,
that was stupid.

Should I just,
uh... sit down.

Um-hmm.

Please don't smoke in here.

He usually lets me
smoke in the office.

Oh good.

Could you please
not smoke in here?

I have great kids,
I like my kids a lot,

but they uh...

It's like a rodeo
clown car pulled up,

and 15 of 'em got out
and they're running around

and you can't catch 'em.

It's like there's
monkeys on acid.

They're just hanging from
lights in the ceiling,

and you can't get 'em,
"Come down!"

And there's certain things
kids just don't

understand the concept of,
like the phone.

It's a completely
foreign object to children.

I don't know what age
they figure it out at,

maybe it's when
they start dating

and they have to use the phone
to contact other kids...

But at this age,
my kids just have no idea.

It's always when
you're on the phone

that they wanna talk to you.

You're on the phone
talking to a distant relative,

it's probably 17 million
dollars a nanosecond,

and that's when
they walk up and...

dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

I'm on the phone!

Oh... okay.

Dad, dad, dad,
dad-dad-dad...

I'm on the phone!

How many times do I have
to explain this to you?

Are you gonna be


running around going,

boss, boss, boss?

What?

Can I have a cookie?

The main piece of advice
I can give to people

who are thinking
of having kids -

and this is a hard
and fast rule -

don't buy the toys
that make the noise.

That's the key thing.

Because if you buy a toy that has
a button on it that makes noise,

the kids are gonna press that
button over and over again.

That's the whole game for them.

"Ahn-ahn-ahn-ahn
ahn-ahn-ahn."

They'll invite their
other friends over,

there'll be 15 kids
waiting in line -

"Ooh that's cool,
my turn!"

"Ahn-ahn-ahn-ahn
ahn-ahn-ahn."

And I warn you, here's the worst
toy that makes noise, ever!

Okay.

The "Darth Vader bank."

I dunno if you've
seen this toy, doc.

It's.. Huge!

And here's the gig with the toy:

He's a bank!

So the kids put
the money in his mouth

and here's what you hear:

"I am your father, Luke."

For 15 minutes at a time!

One coin, 15 minutes
worth of noise.

I have kids lined up again

putting coin, after
coin, after coin.

I've had hours of -

"...Luke!"

On the third day,

the mechanism that
makes the voice, breaks.

Um-hmm.

So now, the toy
doesn't need money.

It just goes off randomly
in the middle of the night!

So I find myself at age forty

in my underwear
creepy-crawling

to get to the bathroom,

hoping that I won't
walk too loudly

and set off
James Earl Jones' voice

in my kid's bedroom.

And when I raise
the toilet seat,

that little "click"
as it hits the top...

That's when I hear -

I'm on
again, come in here and turn me off.

It's not right...
I'm almost naked,

I'm 40, standing,
giving the finger

to James Earl Jones
in my kid's room!

It's not right.

Ben, I have a big favor
to ask of you.

I need you to call my office
at exactly 11:35.

And tell Laura that
you need to talk to me,

that it's an emergency.

That is so easy,
and it's a shame,

but I'm not gonna participate.

Ben, I ask so little of you...

that is the irony.

And I get less in return.

So wait a minute,
you want me to call Laura

at exactly 11:35...

and tell her it's an emergency.

But isn't that alarming?

That wouldn't be right.

It would be alarming
if you got it right.

But, can we synchronize
our watches?

I have
exactly 8:24.

I have...
No watch.

In that case, I'm gonna
take off my watch

and we'll synchronize
our wrists.

Ha, ha!

I have...
A hairy wrist.

Me too.

So call Laura -

I'd better write this down.

Call... who?

There's pen ink all over me!

Anyway, I appreciate
your help here, Ben.

Why is it so important

that I call
at 11:35?

Because at 11:35,
I will be at the bank

when she will place that call,

which I will hear
because the phone

is in my fanny pack
and turned on.

So can I count on
you, this time?

Definitely not.

Hi, I'm here
to see Dr. Katz.

Could you take a seat, please.

That's okay, I'd rather stand.

I'd rather you sat.

I can stand all day.

I stand for


I'd rather you didn't.

Are you sure he's in there?

Pretty sure.

Have you heard any noise
come out of that room

in the last hour?

Maybe.

Want me to go check?

No...

I could just run in
for a second...

No!

I'll be with
you in one minute okay?

Uh, he's in there,
he's in there.

Great!

So...
You're shopping,

and tell me again what happened?

I caught this guy who was...

Comparing apples and oranges.

So I walked over and said,
"Hey, you can't do that."

And he said,
"Why not?"

And I said, 'cause that
would be like... comp...

forget it.

I like to go to
the bowling alley

and bring a little
black marble with me

and put it inside that machine

that they use to
polish the balls,

then just call the manager over.

During the summer
I like to go to the beach

and make sandcastles
out of cement...

Then wait for kids to
run by and kick 'em over.

So your trip did not begin well.

Yeah, I was sitting
on the plane, and...

The stewardess comes
running out of the cockpit

and said, "The pilot
just passed out.

Can somebody
fly the plane?"

Nobody else raised their hand

so I figured I'd
take a sh*t at it.

It took me almost four hours

just to get it off the runway.

Finally the right wing
catches on fire,

so I'm panicking
and looking around.

I see this little button
that says "eject,"

so I hit that and...

This little cassette pops out.

Laura, I'm just gonna
run out to the bank.

All right.

And I'm gonna
leave my cell phone on,

so if anyone calls, or
if there's an emergency...

You have that number, right?

You mean the number
you've given me

every day for
the last two weeks?

Yeah, and even if
they're reluctant

to say it's an emergency...

Well, what qualifies
as an emergency?

Uh, if it rings more
than three times.

I don't think I have the number.

Can you give me the number?

Yeah -

just kidding!

Dr. Katz's office.

Dr. Katz's home!

It's Ben, Laura.

I know.

Uh, please note
that I called at 11:35.

Okay.

It is 11:35, right?

Yeah.

Wait a minute,
hold on a second...

Will you hold on?

Yes.

Okay, hold on...

Yep, it's 11:35.

I'll make sure
he gets the message.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

No offense, doc,
don't take this personally,

but one of my problems
with this therapy thing

is I just think
it's a... you know...

It's crap!

Why is that, Denis?

The way I was brought up,

two men sitting
in a room face to face

discussing things is...

Interrogation...
That's what that is.

I'm Irish, so we have our own
way of dealing with feelings.

So basically we just
keep it bottled up...

Until you explode.

You just keep it completely
bottled up and then one day,

you just snap and you scream

and you b*at up a cab driver,

then you go home and take a nap.

That's basically how I operate.

It's a series of outbursts

and then after outbursts, nap.

Venting, nap.

Full-blown
psychotic episode, nap.

That's the way I look at it.

My family's fairly big
by our standards.

There's about 4,000 of us.

If you go to Killarney
which is where we're from,

there's 4,000 of 'em
who look just like me.

Some are adults,
some are old, some are young

and they're everything,
cops, bartenders...

Just a sea of...
My face.

I saw a book in the bookstore

called "Irish cuisine,"
and I laughed my ass off.

It cost 75 dollars,
a big coffee table book,

"Irish cuisine."

You know what we're famous for?

Putting everything in a pot

and boiling it
for 17 hours straight.

That's not a cuisine,
that's penance, doc.

"Bless me, father,
for I have sinned."

Cook everything in a pot
and then...

Suck it up through a straw.

That's how we
have to eat our food

'cause it's so watery,
everything piles together

and you go
And eat it through a straw.

"Here's breakfast!"

"Thanks for dinner, ma."

"Is that dessert?"

Thanks.

So it's no so much
about the heat,

it's about the clothing.

It don't like shorts, anyway.

I don't think people
should wear shorts.

I don't think the
leg should be exposed.

I think men's hairy legs
should be covered up.

With two or three
pairs of long pants.

That's my uhh...
That's me.

I see those guys
swimming in the Olympics

and I'm like,
"You gotta be kidding me!"

Never in my family has anybody

worn a bathing suit that size.

When we go to the beach,

we go in... giant shirts,
long overcoats and pants.

We sit down, we drink a beer,
smoke a butt, we go home.

It's a day at the beach
in the Leary family.

That's kind of an
Irish thing too, I guess.

'Cause twice a year
in Ireland they look up,

the clouds break,
the light comes through

and they go, "Wow, there's
that big yellow ball again!

What is that thing?"

Hey, dad.

Ben.

You're all strapped in again?

It makes you look thinner.

I think, 'cause I
have it so tight now.

It's like a combination
fanny pack/girdle.

Right... I'm sorry
the thing with Laura

didn't work out as well.

It just goes to show you that

none of those items you have

really help you in any way.

It just complicates everything.

No, what happened
was that there was

human error involved.

And I can even see the human

that was involved in that error.

I'm not upset about your
instruments of technology.

I'm most upset about

the way you carry 'em around.

It's gonna wreak havoc
on your life, dad.

You think it's gonna make
it easier but it ain't!

Shhh, listen to me!

You put it on for one second.

No, dad, I'm not
trying yours on.

Just tell me how you feel...

it's not hygienic.

Maybe you're the kind of guy

that's comfortable wearing it.

Just try it on for one minute.

Alright...

And I'll call you...

let me turn on the phone.

I can't get this
strapped on, dad...

And I'll put this back
in the fanny pack.

I'll open the antenna
just a little bit...

This baby ain't
an "x-x-x-l"...

You're gonna
experience a feeling

that you've never felt before.

Oh, dad, you're freaking me out.

Yep.

What do you, hook it
around the back, here?

Any way you feel
comfortable wearing it.

Is around the thigh okay?

I guess.

I think that's how they used to
wear them in Sherwood forest.

They had arrows in 'em.

So the phone is
in the fanny pack?

Yep.

I think it's ringing,
so just unzip the uh...

I don't hear nothing.

You don't hear it ringing?

I hear it ringing.

Well, that's in the fanny pack.

You've got to take it out...

Oh...
Zipper's stuck.

No, it zips on the other side.

Is that a zipper?

Can I just rip this thing open?

Here we go.

Hello?

Ben?

Hello?

Hello?

Ben?

Dad?

Yeah!

See? Now tell me
that isn't the best.

Hello?

Ben?

Hello?

Hello?

Yes, it's Ben.

Tell me this isn't
the coolest thing

in the world.

This-is-not-cool.

Pretend that I was at the office

and you had locked
yourself in the bathroom

like you did last week.

You know what, to be honest...

Yeah?

We didn't need the
fanny pack for that.

But I don't always remember

to bring my phone with me.

But if they all "live"
in the fanny pack -

click!

I just hung up on you, dad.

Hello?

You know what?

You're boring!

Why does it smell like
broccoli in here -

like a baked potato?

Did you put this in my pack?

Yes, I packed your lunch!

You've got to put foil around it

'cause you got sour cream
all over my phone

and my digital organizer...

Well, next time.

You try and do a nice
thing for somebody and...

You try and do a nice thing

that cost me
a few hundred dollars

worth of repair work.

Why don't you
give me the fanny pack

and I'll hose it out,

and I'll give it back to you.

No, don't get it wet!

That'd be like pouring salt...

no don't pour that salt...

on your wound.

You know how that
expression started?

How?

Some guy poured some
salt on an open wound.

Liar!

No, I'm serious.

Shut up...
It's not that easy.

But you know the expression

"Don't throw out the baby
with the bathwater"?

That's good advice.

How did that one start?

Don't even ask...

That's such a sad story.

Hey, dad?

Yeah?

I have a little
surprise for you.

I love surprises.

Should I close my eyes?

I think you should
close your eyes

and take off your fanny pack.

I'll close my eyes.

Keep your eyes closed.

Turn your head to the right.

Okay.

Cover your mouth when you yawn.

Sorry.

Now turn around.

Yeah.

Now open your eyes.

Okay.

Here we go!

Wow, Ben, it's beautiful!

What is that exactly?

It's a bag, a plastic bag.

You're not gonna
suffocate me, are you?

No, don't worry about that, yet.

What is that
uh... for?

This is for all your stuff!

You'd give that to me?

I'm gonna give this to you.

Do you know why?

'Cause I can't stand
the fanny pack!

And you think I'll do better

walking around with
a bag full of...

you bring this to work

and maybe you graduate
to a regular gym bag

or a backpack or a briefcase.

No.

Dad, you're a man.

You think I'm gonna walk to work

carrying a plastic shopping bag?

How come nobody walks around

with a stick with
a bandana anymore?

That I would do
in a flash -

the hobo look?

That's a good look.

Go to work with your phone

and all your
electronic devices...

I wouldn't have to drive,

I'd just hop a freight train.

Exactly!

We gotta bring that back!

This is kinda strange,
doing this... sitting here.

Well, it is an "Unnatural
situation therapy."

It kinda reminds me
of the first time

I got undressed
in front of a woman.

It was horrible,
she started screaming

and uh...

Then they kicked me off the bus.

When I was in high school,
I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Actually, I didn't
get her pregnant.

I just really, really
pressured her

to adopt.

That's different, but similar.

Yeah.

I went to a restaurant
the other night,

ordered a huge meal
I couldn't pay for,

and they sent me
in the kitchen to wash dishes.

Right.

I broke ten plates...

Then I had to go back out
and eat more food.

I went to a food fair,

they had food
from colonial times.

Right.

It was all stale.

I'm sorry, I have to get that.

That's my pants.

Hello?

Ben...

I know I left the bag at home.

No, I love the bag.

No, this is not a good time.

No, listen, I cannot talk now.

I'm with a patient.

I'm not getting snippy.

I'm not raising...

I am not raising my voice!

Look, this is not
the time to do this.

I am not mad at you.

No, I don't hate you.

I am not-

okay...
Love you, too.

Very much!

Bye.

I think if we can find
the source of your anger

and then approach it
from that angle...

I think if you saw what it is

that makes
you so angry-

I think it comes from
this black rage

that I have inside.

There's a big cloud of black...

My job is to help you

shed light on
the black-

what do you do
when you get angry?

I think what's more important

is why you're interested in
what I do when I get angry.

As an angry person,
I'm interviewing people-

let's say I'm writing a book.

And let's say
I'm writing a book.

Okay.

Called, "It's not important
what I do when I'm angry."

Okay, I'm writing a book called

"It is important what Dr. Katz
does when he's angry"

by Dr. Denis Leary, okay?

Okay, I reviewed your book...

Yes?

And found it not very
insightful or helpful,

and referred the author
of your book to my book.

Well, I've reviewed your book,

already, without
even reading it,

and since you reviewed
my book so badly,

you know what I say?

I think your book sucks!

Oops, Denis,
you know what the music means.

No, I don't know
what the music means.

Well, it means
we're gonna have to stop.