05x49 - Movies

[bunniefuu]

I wanna see "Love strings"
because everyone I've...

Oh, dad...
You know,

it's gonna be too fluffy.

What is "Love strings" about?

"Love strings" is about a man
who teaches college, and...

He becomes infatuated
with one of his students...

Dad, that's a chick flick.

It's not a chick flick, Ben,
it's a romantic comedy

and I don't like that phrase,
"Chick flick".

Dad, I think I'd rather
go see "Firepower".

Those movies, they rattle...

think about it,
firepower... firepower.

Well, I'm willing to
see this "Firepower" thing,

but I don't wanna see it
on a Tuesday night,

because I have a hard time
falling asleep

after all that v*olence,

so why don't we see
a matinée of "Firepower",

if you come with me tonight
to see "Love strings"?

Here's the deal, dad.

Do what I say.

Don't be an idiot.

We go see my movie,
it's a better choice,

I know what I'm talking about.

I represent the
youth of America,

you should tap into that!

I-I... Feel like

seeing a romantic comedy
would inspire

one or both of us
to go out and...

but that's the kind of movie

you'd want to
see with... friends,

if you had any.

So uh... I slipped
that in there, didn't I?!

I forgot about
the popularity contest

you won last week,
Ben, I'm sorry!

Hey, did I ever
congratulate you on that?

Oh, dear...

How many, honestly?

If you wanted to go...
To a movie...

With somebody...

Yeah?

That was not me,

who would it be?

Siskel and Ebert.

No, I mean not...

I mean realistically!

Siskel.

Ha ha ha!

I love the ladies,
you know that!

I looove the ladies.

I'll do anything
to be with the ladies.

I'll sit through
"The English Patient",

"Boys on the Side", "Nell",
"Carrington",

"Sister Act I", "Sister Act II",
"Hope and Glory"

any merchant ivory film,
"Moll Flanders"

and a 9-hour director's cut
of "The Unbearable",

and I mean "The Unbearable
Lightness of Being"...

Just to watch
the ladies make waffles

with their top off, alright?

What's "Carrington"?

I'm Patton Oswalt.

I have uh appointment in...
with Dr. Katz...

My appointment's in 10 minutes,

I just need to use...
it's a local call!

And all I'm gonna do is
I'm just checking my messages,

using your phone, to check!

Fine, what's the number?

I-I just,
I'll just dial it.

You can't reach!

It's unbelievable, Dr. Katz!

I can't even deal with it, okay?

I'm one bad relationship...
don't interrupt me!

This isn't about you!

It's about me!

I have problems, okay!

I am one bad relationship away
from being with a man, okay!

You're gonna see me
in the gay pride parade...

I'm here!
I'm not q*eer,

but at least somebody
pays attention to me,

so get over it, alright?!

What's the code?

I can't...

I'm not supposed
to give the code out.

I'll just enter it and listen.

You can't reach
the phone from there!

If I just... hhhh...

What do you think I'm gonna do,

call in for your messages?

Well, uh... ah...

Okay, but don't like...

Alright,
It's s-p-r...

S-p-r

f-l-y...

F-l-y.

Okay...

I need to listen
to them, though.

I need to listen to them!

No!

Ha ha!

Can I?

Let me just...

So, you feel like you can't
separate your real life

from... from movies.

Yeaaahh!

But that's not
such a good thing.

What is your favorite movie
of all time?

Star Wars!

Of all time?

Why is that?

That was my generation's
"Kennedy assassination".

How so?

That's where everyone my age
remembers where they were

when they first saw "Star Wars".

Well, weren't they
all in the theater?

You know who I found out
almost got the part of...

Han Solo was Nick Nolte.

No kidding?

But he lost out
to Harrison Ford.

Oh man! That would've made it
such a better movie!

Well, different!

With that gut
hanging over his p*stol belt

just not really committing
the whole idea of it... just...

"Aw hell, Chewbacca,

go fix the
damn hyper-drive...

Aahh... Jesus!

Ah, hell!

Luke, that's not
uh... space...

Arrgghh"

I'm gonna go to the bathroom...

You take the popcorn
and the drinks

and find the seats.

But you know what I don't like?

What's that?

When I walk in
from the bathroom,

I never know where you are,

because I can't see in the dark!

You know what I'll do?

I'll have one of
the drinks balanced

on the top of my head, Ben,

because, that's the
only way I can carry

this much stuff
to the seats, anyway.

Alright, fine.

Whatever happened
to... teamwork?

Whatever happened to father and
son helping each other out?

Alright, c'mon to
the bathroom with me!

I'm not bringing
popcorn to the men's room!

Why not?

Because then you gotta
share it with everybody!

You ask a movie critic,

if the movies are
getting better or worse...

And the chances are
they're gonna say uh...

"Please pass the popcorn".

Ha ha ha!

They're just like
everybody else,

they love the snacks!

Raisinets...

That's the best thing about
the theater, you think?

They used to try to
lump them together...

goobers and raisinets.

What was it called?

"Goobers'n'raisinets"!

Ha ha!

Hey, I know for a fact
that that's not so funny!

I know.

Sluurrrrp!

You know what I'm gonna do
with this drink, dad?

Put it right here
in the drink holder

save a little bit for later.

Those are great things.

I love these things!

That's a breakthrough, I think.

The only one
major problem there...

You know who invented those?

Who?

Michael Drinkholder!

I'm excited about this one!

I can't stand
the smell of popcorn

at this point in my life.

Dad, I got it for both of us!

I know, but I'm so...

This is our third movie
this week, Ben, and...

It's a lot of popcorn,
is what I'm saying...

Alright, you know what,

well... next time,

when we see a
movie tomorrow night,

which we will,

we'll get popcorn
without butter.

I'm gonna bring some...
Fresh vegetables with me,

because I feel like we're
slowly k*lling ourselves

eating this crap
every night, you know?

I think that maybe you're right,

I think they should provide

other types of food
in the theater,

I don't know why
they don't do that.

And especially in such
a competitive business,

you'd think that uh...
A theater that served...

thousands of people...

No! You
finish the thought!

Ha ha ha!

Can I finish the idea here?

You don't have to get snippy.

I just, you
constantly interrupt me.

First of all, I do not...
Constantly interrupt you

Well...

what I was about to say...

Was that, I assumed you...

why can't...
shut your mouth?!

Why do you have to yap?!

Constantly yap!

I think we're bothering
those people behind us.

Yeah?
Well, let 'em look!

What?! You've never seen
a father and son argue?

Sshhhh!

I've never been shushed
before the movie started!

I know, it's embarrassing!

Were we talking loudly?

I'm hungry!

But the thing is...

and don't take
this personally...

but I need an enemy.

I'm always looking for an enemy.

My life goes better,
not if I have

a good relationship
or a good girlfriend...

It goes better if
I have an "arch enemy"!

So what I've done is,
I've decided to hate you.

Right.

You're my enemy and
the only way to defeat you

is by getting better mentally,

so I don't need to
give you money anymore,

and then I win.

And... how
would I win?

Like, okay...

You know how when we're talking

and you'll make a
breakthrough and you go,

"Maybe, don't you think
that stems from this?"

And I'll go, "Oh yeah"

but if you could say that
with more of like a...

Triumphant sneer,

like a maniacal sneer... like,

"That was very
foolish, Mr. Oswalt!

You showed me
too many cards."

Oh, say that all the time,

"You showed me one too many
cards, Mr. Oswalt!"

I-I-I can
try but I...

try this, ready?

I don't do impressions!

Just do like this,

"Advantage, Katz!"

Like whenever I reveal
something about myself...

"Advantage, Katz!"

Ohh! Try that!

Okay, say something revealing.

Okay uh... sometimes
I think that

I-I-I sabotage myself...

To try to teach myself
not to be inconsistent

by sabotaging myself!

Advantage, Katz?

Now, you sound defeated!

You gotta be like,

"Advantage..."

You gotta lean...
"steeple" your fingers...

Like you're thinking...

this whole thing is new to me.

Is there a way to
strap me to this couch?

Uhh... no.

Let's try that again.

Okay ready?

Uh, I'm afraid of success
because of my low self-image.

Go!

Aye, laddie, you're
playing into my hands.

No-no, there's no Irish
super-villains!

Don't be Irish!

Just be evil?

Yeah, that or...
Austrian!

I'm just gonna make some
notes for myself here

so that next week
when you come in

I will be up and running!

Now Laura doesn't need any...
she's perfect.

She doesn't need
any prep at all.

No, she is ready to go!

You know that the
therapists in movies

are always portrayed
as bad guys,

and that, I find annoying.

Really?

Yeah, name any movie
with a therapist in it!

I don't know any movies.

"k*ller Therapist"

umm... "Night of
the Living Therapist"

"Therapist from Hell..."

"One Flew Over the
Therapist's Head"

"A Jungian and a Gentleman"

"He Came From
the Planet Freud."

Did ya see who just walked in?!

What's that?

Did you see who just walked in?

Oh my god, is that Laura?

Yeah...
With some guy.

It does look like uh...
Kinda looks like a guy.

She's probably on a date, Ben!

She's probably not on a date,

that's probably a relative,

a brother, a cousin,

or an uncle,
a really young uncle.

Maybe...
You might be right.

I don't think you are because...

alright, dad, that's enough.

If she is on a date,

I think we should
go over and ruin it.

I think it's our responsibility
to make sure that

that relationship
doesn't happen.

I think she can handle that.

Ha ha ha!

Believe me!

Yeah, but we might
want to help it along.

You wanna go over and say "Hi"?

I'm uncomfortable
doing that, you know?

If you wanna do it, go ahead!

Go ahead and say hi!

I don't think
we should separate,

we should both go over together

or not go at all.

Okay! Hold my hand
we'll go over there!

Maybe I'll just throw
some popcorn at her head

and then...
That will be that!

Okay!

Dr. Katz's office.

Morning, Laura.

Hi, Ben.

So, uh... Laura

Laura, Laura...

What did you do last night?

Go to the movies, perhaps?

Yeah, how did you know?

Well, I saw you.

Me and you were at the
same theater last night.

Oh...

Watching the exact same movie
at the exact same time.

Wow.

I was actually
five rows behind you.

Ben, what do you want?

Oh, nothing,
I just wanted to uh...

Know how your date went.

None of your business.

It's cool, baby!

I date a lot!

I was on a date
myself, actually.

With who, your father?

Yes.

Yeah, that's great!

How long have you been
going out with this guy?

Uh, none of your business?

That's cool,

I can totally
respect your privacy!

Good, good.

Did you sleep with him?

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, I'm so sorry,
I got cut off,

did you sleep with him?

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, I apologize
for being so blunt

I was out of line, you know...

Did you have sex...

I'm talking right now,
you want me to calm down?

Yeah.

You want me to be real
for a few seconds?

You want to see
if I can do it, right?

That would make you feel better,

you could walk out of here,

give yourself a pat on the back,

take Laura out for
a little cappuccino and go,

"Guess what?

Sam Brown calmed down
today for 5 seconds!

For 5 seconds we saw
a little window into his soul!

Little Sammy,
was cute little Sammy

before all the
bad happened", right?

Sam, I can measure the progress

that you and I have made
over the last few months.

Uh-huh.

I still feel like you
arrived with so much anger

and so much of this, I feel,
is directed towards me and...

No, don't take it personally,

I hate everybody,

you're just getting
it right now.

Well, that's very
kind of you to say that.

Yeah, it's not about you, okay?

Thanks for turning it back
to yourself, Mr. Selfish...

I just...

You find a way,
every-single-time!

I'm sorry, you're right,

I should not have done that,

that was not appropriate,

I wish there was
some way you could

harness that anger.

♫ Naah! Naaahh! ♫

♫ I have
bad feelings in-nnn.. ♫

♫ Out with the bad,
aaaahhhhhhh ♫

This is good,
this is really good.

Yeah.

Take it up an octave.

Okay,
♫ Ooowwooaahhhhh ♫

♫ Haaaaaaaa ♫

♫ Haaaaaaaa ♫

♫ Waaaaaaaa ♫

So you're gonna see this guy
again, or you're gonna...

is this gonna be
a regular thing?

None of your business!

Right, right,
I know, but I mean...

Are you?

I don't know.

'Cause to be honest with you,

I think it's a bad idea,
you know...

Why is that?

Well, that guy was...
Really good looking.

Yeah?

And that's gonna end up
disappointing you, later.

I mean... I think you should
set your sights lower...

And then get surprised!

Hhmm.

You know what I mean?

Ben, I'm not gonna
go out with you.

It's a coincidence that

they're playing movies
at that theater

even this weekend...

They run them every day there!

Really?

There's an Orson Wells
retrospective this weekend,

I don't know if you're into him,

I don't know who he is but...

did you hear what I just said?

What's that?

I'm not gonna go out with you.

Oh, go out with me?

Oh, right!

But... you know,
it wouldn't be a date!

Hmmm, yeah, no, Ben,
I don't think so.

I'll kick in for your ticket!

Oh, Ben.

I'm not begging here.

You're so pathetic
sometimes I just wanna...

I don't know...

Wanna what?

Pinch you.

I'll take it.

Oh, god.

I'm into it!

I'm sorry.

I like the weird stuff!

Oh hey, you know what,

I've got an extra ticket for the
ballet tomorrow night,

if either of you guys
are interested.

You wanna go?

And the world comes
to a dead stop.

Ha ha ha.

Come on!

No, I'm not saying
that I can't go...

I'm just saying that until
I've done everything else

in the world there is to do,

I'm not comfortable
going to the ballet yet.

So it wouldn't be tomorrow?

Tomorrow's not good for me.

That's the only offer
I'm making right now.

Really?

That's the only one
I'm turning down.

I'd like to know what it is

that you guys are
doing tomorrow night

if you don't wanna go,
you don't have to lie.

I can't go tomorrow,
I'm going to uh...

The other ballet tomorrow.

What other ballet?

Hockey.

That's not a ballet.

I heard... and maybe
this is just a rumor...

that all these
ballets are fixed.

Jon, why don't you come with me?

I actually have a date
to go to the movies with Ben.

Oh?

'Cause it's supposed
to get dark tomorrow night.

Yeah.

And whenever that happens,
we go to the movies.

Ha ha ha!

Ben, can I tell you
an idea I had for a movie?

Umm, if this is a pitch...

pretend that you're
a Hollywood producer

I walk into your office.

Who are you?

Dr. Katz,

I'm here to see Sidney...
Executive head...

I'm not great with this...

why does he have to be Jewish?

Can I pitch an idea to you,

first of all,

I'm a professional
therapist, so...

three words or less.

Okay, karate kid but with yoga.

Good, sold!

Boy, that was easy!

What about you
play the executive,

I'll come in...

Okay, okay!

On your mark, get set,
go, what's the idea?

It's a story about
a father and son

and the father...

So far so good!

The father in this movie

constantly squishes
the son's dreams

uhhmm...

And the father
is... a bad person,

he's bald and he's bad,

it's called "Endless Yapper"

and it stars you.

Next!

Oh, what has become of us?!

Aw, just shut up
and find a movie!

This is not normal, Ben!

We shouldn't be going
to the movies every night!

It's perfectly normal, alright?

We should just go for a walk

get a cup of coffee,
sit down and talk.

Oh yeah, that's
real normal, dad.

Why don't we read books instead?

Maybe because we're Americans?

No, we're not going
to the movies, Ben!

We'll rent!

No, we have to stop,
we have to be strong!

You know, you're right,

I do prefer the big screen
experience, anyway...

I think it's...
It's bigger!

We've lost the
art of conversation!

What is that mean?

Wawaa... wawoh?

Goo goo...

See, we haven't lost it!

I don't know who
I was thinking of.

Let's draw a bunch
of pictures of a horse

and flip them really fast

so it looks like
the horse is moving!

That's the most desperate idea

I've ever heard in my life!

Aww, man!

Put the newspaper
down, look at me!

You're my son, I love you!

Hey, is that from
"The Godfather"?

You're doing the thing...

can't we just talk,
not about movies?

Let's talk about you,
Ben, how are you?

Do it in Brando's voice.

Please, just do that.

Hahh... I can't,
I don't do impressions.

That was a good start though!

Haa-hahhh!

Hahhhh...

That's the way Brando
started every line!

Haaahh...

Ha ha ha!

Are you gonna be alright, dad?

You've won that
round, Dr. Katz!

You've won that round.

But I'll be back!

No, that's me!

I go,
"But I'll be back!"

Sorry...

Awww... man!

I can't even keep track of this!

This is too complicated!

No, it's so simple!

You're adding levels to this!

My garage mechanic
understood this, immediately!

When I told him,

"You need to be
Commander Demon Wrench!"

He made a cape, he had a mask,

he even got a hand puppet,

this little goblin hand puppet,

and he would use that
to insult me.

Yeah...

And he would have the other
mechanics in the garage

dress as ninjas,
when would I come in...

It was amazing!

But they're trained to do that!

But he went beyond the training,

Of course they're trained
to dress like ninjas.

You know what the music means?

But, right there! Right there!
That music...

we have to stop.

No, that's it, right there,
that's the problem!

That stinks!

The music is so tinkly,

I feel like
I'm in a toy store...

That needs to be
like organ like,

♫ Neeeeee ♫

and then you go,

"That spells
your doom, Oswalt!"

And then I go,

"In your dreams,
Herr doctor!"

And then I run out!

Why do you call
me "Hair doctor"?

No, you're not it's...
Herr doctor!

Oh, I'm sorry!

So, that needs to be like a big,

♫ Nenaahh ♫

I know what you're going for

but it's just not the way
I work, you know?

"Your time is ticking!
That spells your doom!"

How about "One Mississippi"?

No, that's...

Phbbbt... we're not
playing hide and seek!

No, you're right!

Or, are we?

Ooohhh... see?

See, I think this is
a very elaborate device

to avoid talking about you,

also to avoid leaving.

Y'know what you should do?

You gotta get that music

and then you gotta go,

"I've tired of you!

You no longer amuse me!"