05x50 - Ticket

[bunniefuu]

Officer!

I never even noticed
that stop sign

until I heard your siren go off.

Thank you... so much, for
pointing that out to me.

Okay!

Here's my license,
me when I was younger.

You know what they're doing now
at the motor vehicle place?

They're doing group photos!

I had to argue with the woman
just to get my own sh*t!

I don't know why
I'm trying to make you laugh.

I'm trying to
change the mood here,

'cause you seem so
intent on this whole...

Ticket thing.

You know officer,
we're both professionals,

I am a psychiatrist,

you enforce the law.

Can't we...
Work something out here?

By the way, that is
a great color for you!

But dad, you're a therapist.

Why didn't you
play with his mind?

I used reverse psychology,

I didn't play with his mind.

You used it on yourself?

Oh, no!

You're an idiot!

There's so many things
that I could've said to him,

I just wasn't thinking.

At the time, you get
nervous, you panic.

The trick is to put them
on the defense, you know?

"Why haven't you caught me
other times, officer?"

Ha, ha, ha!

I've been going through
that stop sign for 5 years,

but you don't
think of that, then.

Starting a day like that...
It's humiliating.

It's what it is.

It's just a ticket.

It's a ticket, but...
I'm on display.

Everyone sees me,
they're driving by,

they're laughing,
and pointing...

Dad, that's not because
you're getting the ticket.

You don't think?

No.

What could it possibly be?

Honestly?

Yeah, and this might be the most

important thing you ever say.

Well, I'm pointing
and laughing now.

The thing is, you're
guilty until proven innocent

when you get a ticket.

People are looking at you,

their assumption is that
you've done something bad...

Well, you violated
the traffic law.

No, I contend that I
couldn't see the stop sign.

It was obscured by the tree.

You've never stopped
at that stop sign?

If I have, it's
just been a coincidence.

It doesn't look good.

I mean, if we go to court,

if we contest this ticket...

I'm not gonna spend
a day of my life

contesting a $75 driving ticket.

But do you know what a ticket
does to your insurance?

It ups the premiums by, uh...

Hundreds of dollars a year.

Is that true?

Um-hmm.

Can I wear this?

You know, I'm just, I just...

I don't know, Dr. Katz...

Just tell me
how to be, that's all.

I come here,

I just want somebody
to tell me how to be.

Well, Jann...

Some people have
their act together.

I went to these
people's house and

they had picture frames
with pictures in them.

They're just flaunting it.

They had Sushi wrappers
and they made Sushi,

they invited me over for Sushi,
and they made their Sushi!

Well, you can do that, Jann.

All I have is
a Kn*fe that I stole

from "Houlihan's" 10 years ago.

When's that part
of my life gonna start,

when I have it together?

I think that part
of your life will begin

when you return the Kn*fe!

Nothing helps, even
ginkgo biloba doesn't help me.

I love their work you know,

but, uh...

I'm not giving up,
though, Dr. Katz,

'cause I've been to
so many different therapists,

I think that's a pattern too.

You know, leaving people,

abandoning situations and
not giving it enough time.

Don't you think?

Dr. Katz,
are you listening?

Yeah.

But it doesn't
seems like you care.

What I'm looking for
is conviction...

Point of view.

Maybe I need a cheerleader.

Do you know any cheerleaders
that are now therapists?

I know they were
heading in that direction.

I don't know if they
made it all the way.

But what kinds of experiences
have you had in therapy?

Well, I had this one therapist,
this French therapist,

he said to me,

"You can have sex
with whoever you want!

You can have sex with
whoever you want!"

And I said, "But Pierre,
does that mean you?"

"But of course!"

And I go, "I don't know!

But I shouldn't
pay for it, should I?

This doesn't seem right!"

And then he says,
"That's the best part!"

It was kind of sick,
don't you think?

I stopped going to that guy.

That'll teach him.

I was driving,
running a little late...

Yeah.

And I see a sign that says

"Caution, small
children playing"

so I slow down,

and then it occurs to me

I'm not
afraid of small children.

Yeah?

That's funny!

Dr. Katz?

I would love to sit here and
listen to your jokes all day,

but I have to go.

Why do you have to go?

I have to go to the dentist.

This is 3 times in one week.

I'm a little concerned,

is there a condition that's
requiring this much treatment,

is there anything I can do?

No.

Is he doing some serious work?

Umm... no.

'Cause you don't seem to be
uncomfortable or in pain.

Well...

Do you have a...

Sweet tooth for
the dentist, maybe?

That's such a
corny way to put it...

Oh my god!

Do I hear the pitter-patter
of little "hygieneses"?

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'm glad that you're
cultivating this relationship,

it's sounds wonderful.

But, I wish you wouldn't do it

during office hours,
I guess, is concern.

Why do you see him
only during the daytime?

Why don't you guys...

I don't know!

I've been wondering that myself.

I think you have
the right to know.

I think I have
the right to know!

What are you talking 'bout?

This is the classic symptom
of the married man.

This is a guy who's...

Who's got family and kids
in the suburbs, and...

Dr. Katz, you
don't know that!

I just don't
want you to get hurt!

Dr. Katz, I can
take care of myself,

I don't need you
looking out for me.

Laura, I enjoy
looking out for you.

I've taken you under my wing
from the very start.

Granted, it's a little
damp under there, but still...

Dad!

Hi, Ben!

I went to the stop sign,

and it's partially
obscured by leaves!

I told you.

So, I took a photo,

and if we can get
ourselves a good lawyer,

you... can get out of
this ticket, no problem.

I'm not gonna hire a
lawyer for a $75 ticket.

Dad, you don't even
need to get a lawyer, honestly.

What do you mean?

I will take this case myself.

I don't think I can afford
your services in this situation.

Dad, look,

you don't have to
pay me unless we win.

I can put you in a
retainer or something?

No, if I take a commission...

Oh, you'll get
a piece of the 75 bucks?

No, you don't get 75 bucks,

but I'm also gonna
throw on a civil suit.

That's very, very
civil of you Ben, but...

Well, I mean, I'm gonna sue
the police officer for, uh...

Emotional distress?

Emotional distress
and future earnings.

We got a case
against these people.

They harassed you!

Yeah?

Did he touch you?

He didn't touch me,
but he looked at me funny.

You know, this is gonna be
no problemo then for me.

I-I-I don't wanna
do this, Ben.

I'm sorry.

Hmm, that's too bad.

That really is too bad.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm disappointing you.

Nah, you don't have to
keep apologizing, you know?

You're doing it.

I'm not!

You are, I sent in the ticket.

Did not!

Yes, I did,

and I checked off
on the back of the ticket

that we'll be going to court.

Can't we go to a movie
or something, instead?

After!

My parents
are always performing...

Around the house.

They were a comedy team.

They would go off
into this other room,

my sister and I would sometimes
hear them arguing,

yelling and screaming,
calling each other names.

Then they'd come out
and they'd be laughing,

the sketch went very well,
"The angry sketch".

I'm sure it was very confusing,

not knowing where the...

Comedy ended and
the reality began.

There were no boundaries,
that was the problem,

there were no boundaries.

I heard you.

So it was confusing
for you, I'm sure!

They weren't around a lot
'cause they were out doing

"Courtship of Eddie's Father"
episodes

or something like that.

In the summertime we'd go out

and hang out
on the sets of TV shows.

And that was kind of traumatic,

because these young
actors were very, uh...

Combative and they were really
not nice... a lot of them.

Like that kid from
"Courtship of Eddie's Father."

Uh-huh.

Eddie?

I had a candy bar,
so he came up to me and

he just knocked the
candy bar out of my hand.

Like in the show of...

I'm sure that child actor
is very territorial.

Territorial, very

and then just walked away,

and made it clear that
you don't mess with Eddie!

I think that is clear,

you don't mess with Eddie!

Uh-huh.

So they were not
traditional parents.

They made my sister and I...

They kinda pushed
our performing instincts

out to the forefront,

like, they gave us
a lot of lessons...

And she was older than I was,

so she kinda
had a lot of advantage,

plus, for a long time
she used to tell me

that she was a witch!

And I believed that, for years!

She would do things like,

she'd sneak in my room
in the middle of the night and

cut off a lock of my hair
and paste it on a rock

that she'd drawn
a smiley face on.

Oldest trick in the book.

We both took violin lessons.

The trade-off
for the violin lessons was

when my parents would co-host
the Mike Douglas show,

they'd bring us on,
and we'd play "Chopsticks",

on the Mike Douglas show,
on the violin.

"Chopsticks" on the violin
sounds very difficult.

It's hard to play
anything on the violin...

Yeah.

Especially when you're 8, okay?

And you're not
musically inclined.

It's not a good memory.

Everybody, regardless of what
kind of background they have,

has memories
from their childhood

that are unhappy.

But most people don't have
their bad memories on videotape.

Now, they do, actually.

They're just not
on "Nick at nite".

I bought a pair of
fake glasses today for court.

Why?

It looks good
when you're, umm...

In the middle of
grilling the police officer

when he's on the stand...

Yeah.

I take off my glasses

and I slowly wipe the lenses
with my shirt

and that is the sign
of a lawyer...

With confidence.

Uh-huh.

Then I would put them back on

and watch that guy
cry like a baby.

Yeah.

Tonight, when you
get home, after work,

we're gonna have to go through

exactly how you're gonna respond

in a courtroom situation.

You wanna try
a little right now?

Yes, hit me with the
worst possible question

I might be asked.

Then I'm gonna hit you hard!

Go ahead!

Isn't it true,
Dr. Katz?!

Isn't it?!

Ha, ha, ha!

Answer the question!

Yes or no?

Uh... I...

"I-I..." What?

What do you have something
stuck in your throat

'cause you're a liar?

I don't understand the question.

You don't understand?!

That's correct.

Your honor, he
doesn't understand!

Okay, Ben...

Ladies and gentlemen
of the court,

he doesn't understand!

You don't...

- Hey, Laura!
- Hi!

- How ya' doing?
- Fine.

You notice the, uh...
Confident posture

that I now have?

Not really.

You don't notice the way
I'm holding myself?

Chest out, thighs out, feet out,

everything pretty much out.

Uh-hmm.

It's confidence, Laura.

I realized walking around
the city today,

that... if you
look confident...

Um-hmm.

People think you're confident.

Ever hear the expression,

"You've got to fake,
it to make it"?

I don't know.

When you exude confidence,

people believe you.

Like, for instance, right now...

Uh-huh?

I came in with
a lot of confidence,

I walked up to the desk
with a lot of confidence...

No, you didn't.

Then I look...
Confident...

I look the part.

No, you don't.

Baby, let me finish.

You and me are gonna
go out tonight...

No, we're not.

We're gonna go out.

No, we're not.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take you
to the movies.

No, you're not.

I'm gonna take you
to dinner, afterwards.

And then after that?

Who knows.

But we're gonna go out.

You know what I'm saying?

Nope.

Really?

Really.

Is that true?

Yes.

Is that, uh...
You really mean, "no"?

Yes, I do.

Let me, uh...
Let me come back.

See, I just wanna
be more aggressive

and it's hard to be
a woman and be aggressive,

unless you're
a basketball player.

Like the women
basketball players,

they can be really
tough and aggressive.

In fact, they have to be!

You can't play
basketball like a girl

and expect to win.

You'd be in the
middle of the game...

"Tina, I'm over here!

Pass the ball!

Ow, god!
It was too hard!

Huh? Nothing,
I'm fine, let's just go!"

But those
basketball-player girls,

nobody ever criticizes them,

everyone's just like...

"Yeah, I slam-dunked
that!"

And they're like,

"Oh, wow,
she's really tough!"

But I act like that
and they're like,

"Oh, she's too aggressive!"

I would love to talk about

the power of your false
confidence all day...

Well, the only reason...

But I have to go.

You gotta leave?

Yeah, I'm going to the dentist.

Who's your dentist?

Umm... why?
Do you know him?

No, I'm just asking.

Why are you being so defensive?

'Cause I can't
remember his name right now!

The only reason
I asked is 'cause,

the dentist that
my dad and I see is senile.

Yeah?

He keeps filling
the same filling,

I don't wanna say anything.

Hmmmm.

Take a look at it, it's huge.

And my dad says,
"You know, Jann,

I don't remember that
you had such a bad childhood,

I don't know what you're
complaining about.

I took you to baseball games.

I bought you ice cream.

I laced up your shoes
that one time,

and then there was
a graduation of some sort.

I don't know what you're
complaining about!"

- Nothing!
- What's going on?

Nothing, I just can't really...

We just had lunch
a couple of times...

Do you like him?

Yeah, he's okay, I don't know...

How many times have you
seen this gentleman?

Four...

Four times?

That's a lot!

It's not that much,
it's just lunch,

I don't really know.

You only see him during lunch?

Oh, uh...

Why would you only
have lunch with the guy?

I've been busy!

But Laura, it just
strikes me as odd.

You've been out
with the guy four times,

it's only been lunch,
what does that mean?

Don't you have anything to do?

Four lunches and no dinners yet!

Ben, how many lunch dates
have you had, this year?

The point is, Laura,

if I went out with a woman...

Let's say, I had two lunches.

Is this all in one day?

Let me finish.

I go out for two lunches
with a woman, right?

The next one, the third,

I'd say, "Let's have dinner".

If I said,
"Let's have lunch again"...

Yes?

Awkward.

Something's wrong.

I am suspicious.

God, why does everything
have be an investigation?

Do you know what I'm saying?

I don't wanna
talk about it anymore!

I have to go!

Fine, if you don't
wanna talk about it!

Bye!

We should have lunch!

Laura!

We'll do lunch, lunch, lunch!

I'm just so tired of exercising,

don't you think
if you do it enough times,

it should stay?

I think 5,000 sit-ups should be,
pretty much, permanent!

Sure, that's plenty!

Do you belong to
some kind of health club?

I belong to a health club,

but I don't like going there,

because they always have
those big weightlifter guys.

They always act like you
don't know what you're doing,

they come up to you and...

"Hey, I've been checking
you out over there

for... quite some time,
let me ask you something,

where did you learn how
to do all those exercises?"

Then you're gonna go,
"Well, I don't know,

my boyfriend was a weightlifter,

and I looked at a couple of pictures
in the magazines and stuff, hhh...

I don't even know
how I got here!

Will you
buy me something?"

I noticed you haven't
been going to the, uh...

Dentist lately, Laura.

I'm just wondering
if that means things are...

That all his work is done?

Well, my teeth are great...

If that's what you're wondering.

Just wondered if things
didn't pan out

the way you were hoping.

Well, I didn't really
have any expectation.

Sometimes that's the best way

to go into a relationship,

because that way you
can't be disappointed.

Hmmm.

Were you disappointed?

No.

See what I mean?

I'm sure it's difficult

to be in a relationship
with somebody where...

They're not available
to you 100%

where they have, um...

What's the expression
I'm looking for?

Wife and kids?

Dr. Katz,
that wasn't it.

No, what was it?

It's just that he always...

He really liked my teeth.

Sure, he did.

He always was...
Asking me to smile.

Not the guy for you...
That's all.

Umm, no.

You can always tell

how long somebody's
been in a relationship

by how much they can move
their mouth when they talk.

You know how at first,
you're all happy and free...

"Ahh, I'm just so...
It's so fun to be around you!

Ha, hah!

You're funny
and you're so sweet!

Ha, haa!"

And then month by month,

all the muscles in your body
start contracting and...

They work their way up
through the neck into the jaw.

Pretty soon you
be talking like this,

"I said I wanted
a sandwich!"

My parents have been
together for so long

and there's so much built-up
hostility and resentment.

They can't even chew!

They just sit in their
"La-Z-Boy" chairs

with straws in their mouths.

And my mom could
barely get her words out...

"Your father and I have
been together for 40 years.

And we have worked very hard
to spread that joy on to you."

I'm on my own now.

I'm single,
which is good for me.

The last break-up went through
so many different ups and downs

the last time, she went off
with a stuntman.

What am I supposed
to do with that?

Well, I think...

I direct movies,

I have to deal with these
people, all the time.

So I found myself
just resenting these men.

And they're all
like a fraternity,

like a secret association,

where they all hang out
and break beer bottles

and wear jeans and stuff.

Yeah.

The last movie I did,

I think I really took it out
on this one stuntman,

I made him jump off of
this 100-foot tower.

And that wasn't in the script!

Maybe, maybe it's
time to let go.

I just want to have a really...

Healthy relationship
with myself... first.

I was reading
this book that said,

the person who I'm gonna
spend the most time with

for the rest of my life,
is... hello?

Over here?

That's a long title!

I feel like I come in here and
say the same thing every week,

week after week, after week!

Oooops!

You know what the music
means, our time is up!

I don't hear anything!

I didn't hear anything.

Hit that thing over there
couple of times.

Ahh... there,
there it is!

Yeah, phew!

This is our moment
of truth Ben, you feel, uh...

I feel alright!

I have to tell you,

I'm a little anxious
about this whole thing!

Because they throw all this
legal mumbo jumbo at you...

I will take care of that!

Oh, god!

Dad, relax!

I cannot!

This is gonna be fine!

I'm on the verge of hysteria,

I'm afraid I'm gonna
start laughing in there!

Ha, ha, ha!

That'll be so bad!

You can't do that!

If there's one thing you have
to have for the court...

It's respect.

Believe me, I got
plenty of that.

I think we have
enough here to go on

to win this case!

I have over...


of the stop sign.

Now, when the jury deliberates

short time good, long time good?

I can't remember which is which.

In this kind of case,

I think short time
is good for us.

There is no jury,
you idiot, in traffic court.

I'm sorry, I didn't
realize there's no jury!

I have to be hard
on you now in the car

before we get there and
you start making mistakes!

Okay, don't make me cry
in front of the judge.

You know what, actually
it's not a bad thing.

Can you cry on cue?

Yeah.

Lets see it.

Dad!

Dad!

Don't cry like that in court!

Okay!

What about one of these!

Waahh!

Ha, ha, ha!

I don't think that would
work either!

And then I'll pull out
a bottle and feed you.

It will look weird,
but it might work!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

We will plead insanity!

That's what we'll do!

We'll get away with it!

They'll just say
"Get out!"

Dad?

Pull over!

You gotta be kidding.

No, just let me do
all the talking, please?

Oh my god, I forgot my wallet.

Dad, I don't have my license!

Tell me that's not true.

Dad, switch with me!

I'm not gonna do that,
then he will see us

and we'll both be in trouble!

He won't see it!

No!

Duck down!

You'll crush me!

Well, go low!

No!

Dad, I don't have my...

I'm screwed without the license!

Tell him that you thought
I was gonna be driving...

Give me your license!

No!

Hello, officer!

How are you?

Don't try to explain...

What you don't do is
whisper in front of him.

Can I do all the talking?!

No, nothing, this is my dad!

Good morning officer!

Hi, how are you?

Dr. Katz!

What I don't have,
officer, is my license!

I do have a license,
but I just didn't bring it

'cause I don't...

I meant to get
one of those wallets

with the chain
connected to the belt...

But haven't got the time
to get that yet...

Tell him that you weren't
planning on driving.

Yes, and I also...
'cause my dad got nauseous...

About a minute ago,
so we switched.

Look at the poor guy!

That's right officer,
I'm feeling a little nauseous!

- Look at how old he is!
- Yeah.