05x59 - Waltz

[bunniefuu]

Dad!

Dad, wake up!

Dad!

Dad, it's me, Ben!

I know who you are, Ben!

You're the only other
guy who lives here!

Yeah!

I just heard a noise,
outside... at the window.

Well, you know what that is?

That's one of the millions of
people that lives in the city!

No, no!

I'm telling you, I heard someone

who's trying
to break in, I think.

You know what, Ben, you're
probably having a bad dream...

Dad, I'm tellin' you,
I heard it 4 times in a row...

Just listen.

Yeah.

You never get it
when you need it!

I just heard something.

Yeah, do you hear that?

Yeah, it was metal on metal.

Sounds like someone's trying
to get the window lock open.

First of all,
are all our doors locked?

Yeah, but it's the window,
that's the problem.

That's a good point.

That's probably why
they're using the window

'cause the doors are so locked.

I don't want to die, dad!

Maybe we should
call 911, is that it?

Uhh, that's information.

No, 411 is information.

Okay, call 911.

I'll call 411.

Okay, but let me
do all the talking.

Wait a second, I think they're
actually in the apartment!

Oh, my god.

Boy, I certainly have...

I have no regrets about not
owning anything of value!

Dad, why are you
talking so loud?

I just want to discourage
them from looking around.

It's a good thing
they haven't passed legislation

about a*t*matic weapons
in this city!

Man, it was a long hard
day on the police force today!

- You're not kidding!
- Whoooof!

I'm gonna go to bed, lieutenant!

Oh, man, it's almost
like it's pretend!

Yeah!

That we're wearing these
uniforms for no reason!

Just because we're crazy.

Why do I sleep
with my revolver on?

Oh, my huge g*n!

Did that work?

I don't think so.

Let's make them some coffee.

Let's just get robbed.

Okay.

The hell with it!

Help yourselves!

Take whatever you want!

Just lock up when you're done!

Oh, dad, uhh...

Yeah?

Now, call 911!

I'm telling you, Laura, it's
just very scary when you realize

that someone was actually
trying to get into your home.

Dr. Katz, are you
overreacting?

I don't think I'm overreacting,
I think I'm reacting!

I think that, umm, somebody
tries breaking into your home...

Did they break in?

They weren't able
to actually get in.

Well, that's good.

But that's only because
Ben and I acted with such speed

and we're both so vigilant.

No, what really happened?

Ben woke me up in the middle
of the night, he heard a noise...

Dr. Katz, you've
never been robbed?

No, I've never been
robbed in my entire life!

Really?

Yep!

You seem like
such an easy target!

Thank you for saying that

but apparently
I don't appear that way

to the criminal community.

Well...

To me, it's just
totally humiliating...

The idea that they could've rifled
through my personal belongings.

Yeah, but they didn't!

Yeah, I like that part.

Hmmmm.

Doctor, you know, I don't know
very much about you at all,

I mean, but I guess
that's part of your...

That's part of
the whole therapy game

and I use the word
"Game" instead of "Scam".

What do you have
a wife and kids?

Well, you know what, my family's

really off-limits
in this session.

I see, sure, that's fine!

Do you have a son?
You look like you have a son.

I do have a son.

Yeah, I can tell
by the bags under your eyes!

How old is he?
How old is your son?

He's grown.

How old?

He's 25 years old.

So he's sleeping
through the night, huh?

Such a cute age.

My parents now... it's weird
to watch 'em get old.

Uh-huh.

My mom, she's getting pathetic.

How so?

She's so embarrassing...
We'd go to restaurants

and they're calling everybody's
name the other night,

and every single name they
called, my mom's said,

"Lew, Lew, go find out
if that was us!"

I said, "We'll be able to
tell if that's us, mom.

They'll use our name!"

Of course, that's
like the law of nature.

The longer you wait
for a table in restaurant

the more everyone's name
starts to sound alike!

As the blood sugar level drops
your hearing becomes affected.

After 45 minutes, they say
"Clark, party of 4, Clark."

Right away there are


"Excuse me, did you
just call Dumbrovski?"

They're not listening.

My dad's big on
using everybody's name.

He believes in
making people feel important

by using their name.

So if someone comes up
to our table at a restaurant...

"I'm Don,
I'll be your waiter."

"Okay, Don!
Hi, Don!

Could we have more butter, Don!

I'm gonna
don my sweater, Don...

See I used it
in another context."

I guess I shouldn't make
so much fun of my parents.

I'm a parent too, I have 3
children and it's just amazing.

When you have that first kid

and it's just magical,
and you think, "Oh my gosh!"

It's the most important
thing in the world.

And then, the second kid
comes along and you panic...

"How am I gonna love someone as
much as I love that first one!"

And then, of course, the second
child's born and the truth is

you love that second child
almost as much as the first.

I mean it's really close!

It's almost negligible!

But you know,
the first one's real special.

Right.

The third one is, uh...
The third one is, ummm...

You hope the third one's
easy to clean!

Ben?

Are you on a secure phone?

Am-am I on
a secure phone?

Yep.

Just want to make sure no one's
listening to this conversation.

There's a good chance I might not
listen to this conversation.

Have you taken my advice
to change the locks?

I called the locksmith.

Uh-huh.

I got the locks changed.

Right.

Then I called another locksmith.

Uh-huh.

Got them changed again.

That's good thinking!

Did you put on
an extra deadbolt?

There's 3 locks
and a chain lock now.

And what about
bars on the windows?

I think that's going a little
too far, don't you think?

And I want to call
a "Home security" company

I want them to
put an alarm system.

And I'm only gonna give
the code to me and to you.

I'm not even sure if
I'm gonna give it to you.

But dad, I mean, honestly,
even if the guy'd gotten in

I think I overreacted
last night.

Yeah, when you wrestled
me to the ground?!

Yeah, I had to wrestle somebody!

I was thinking today, dad,

that maybe the best
thing we could do,

beyond locks and bars
on the window,

would be get a pitbull.

You know, that's not
such a crazy idea.

Yeah, because...

Maybe instead of a pitbull

we can just get a recording
of one of those dogs barking.

Because in that way,
we wouldn't have to walk it.

Yeah, that's true.

And we wouldn't... well,
we'd still have to name it.

You know if we don't
get a pitbull, though...

Poodle?

Hmmm, I wouldn't
mind a hamster, again.

I know it won't help
to deter criminals

but... they're
so loveable!

Hi, Dr. Katz,
how are you?

I'm okay, how are you, David?

I'm okay, I'm a little anxious,
a little harried...

One thing that I remember
from the last session was...

I think it's kind of a bad sign
when your therapist says,

"That's a little bit more
information than I wanted to know."

Well, I think you misconstrued

what I was saying
when I said that!

Well, that is...

What do you mean,
that's what you said!

Wait, wait, how did
you interpret that?

That maybe I was...
Giving you more information

than you wanted to know?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Oh!

So, you're the youngest of 5,
if I'm not mistaken.

Uhh, no,
I'm the oldest of 3, but...

Well, being the oldest, David,

has in many ways
shaped who you are.

Really?
In what way?

Many ways.

Huh...
Okay, noted, noted.

Last week you started telling me
about the new business

before we ran out of time.

It's called
"Dave's Classy Pizza".

And how does that work?

Oh, well...
For an extra $50

you get your pizza
delivered to you

in a limousine.

Right.

Yeah, and that's the tag line...
"It's limo fresh!"

And then, you know
a butler comes out, and...

"Your pizza, sir!"

That's the Australian guy and
then the English guy is like,

"Hello
gov'nor, 'ere's your pizza!"

It depends on what...
You can pick it...

And there's like a French maid...
It's up to you, it's...

You think there's
a market for that?

Oh, yeah!

Because people
like stuff delivered

and they like
classiness... you know.

And I thought of combining
the two... "Classy Delivery"!

I think it's a wonderful idea!

Yeah! Yeah!
I hope it works...

I mean, in the future...
It hasn't worked so far.

I actually lost a...
Significant amount of money.

But, I'm keeping
my fingers crossed.

I think you're onto
something with that idea.

And this thing is gonna
pay off big, Dr. Katz.

Big!

Listen, listen, listen...
Big!

Dr. Katz's office.

Hi, Laura, it's Ben.

Uh-huh.

Yep, hey, Laura?

Yes!

Have you noticed anything
strange about my dad?

Could you be a little
more specific?

Well, ever since
the break-in,

he seems to be
really paranoid, you know?

The attempted
break-in.

Right, but I call it
the "break-in".

Okay.

I just skip the
"attempted" part.

Well, he's been acting
a little bit weird.

I've never seen him
this paranoid...

I mean, it is kinda funny

but I don't think it's really
healthy for a guy that age.

Well, maybe you
should talk to him.

Talk to him?

Yeah!

That's your advice,
"Talk to him"?

Uh-huh,
you're welcome.

You know, Laura, there's
hundreds of people

that I could've called
for advice about this.

Oh, Ben, you're absolutely
right, I'm so sorry.

Apology accepted!

I should be grateful

that you even considered
calling me at all!

Is this sarcasm?

You know what?

I'm so disappointed with myself.

I don't even deserve to be

on the same phone line as you.

Yep, that was sarcasm!

Hey, Laura, let me
ask you something?

Yeah?

Do you ever carry a fake wallet

or hide your money in your shoe?

Fake wallet?

Yeah, just in case.

What is a fake wallet?

You know, a fake wallet
is something that

if you get robbed...

Yeah?

It's a way of
making the burglars

feel like they've done their job

and at the same time,
saving some money.

Where's the real one?

The real one...
You keep in a secure spot!

I know what
you're doing, Dr. Katz,

but you can't live in fear!

Yes, I can!

You're letting this
attempted burglary thing

get the better of you!

I'm just being cautious, Laura!

It sounds like
you're being paranoid!

Well, thank you,
that's good advice,

but what I really
need to know is:

Where can I hide my real wallet?

How 'bout shovin' it up...

Hey, hey, hey, never mind!

You know who I hate?

Give me a hint, Lew.

My... grandmother.

And why is that, Lew?

She's old and
uninteresting to me.

Uh-huh.

No, I don't really hate her,
you know what it is?

My grandmother is really... she,
she... well, you know...

She's very spry,
but her eyes are getting bad

and the best way to
negotiate her territory

is to treat her
like a rhinoceros.

If you're upwind, stay there.

Because she will charge
if she smells you!

Uh-huh, but you
were telling me that

she still loves to have the family
over, cooks dinner for them.

Ugh, every time we eat there...

Sometimes I do have
this feeling...

'Cause she is
a pretty good cook.

I say, "If I don't get really
sick later, this was good!"

What was your relationship like
when you were a child?

She used to bribe me
for correspondence.

If I sent her a letter,
she would send me a dollar.

And it was classic, you know
how when you're a kid

you'd always break open
your piggy bank...

"$19 boy, I wish
I had $20!"

"Dear grandma, how are you?
I am fine... bye!

Love, me.

Mom said that I had to
make this a whole page"

and then I'd write
"Whole page" really big

so it takes up a whole page.

Ummm...
What else?

Do you know that in this country

one home is broken into
approximately every 15 minutes.

So since I've been here

approximately one home
has been broken into...

Which's not so bad!

It's not bad!

I have a neighbor
who doesn't lock her door

and she doesn't do it because
it just doesn't feel good.

That's crazy!

What's her address?

You've probably treated patients

who've been victims of
some kind of criminal act.

So, how do you deal
with that, what do you?

No, I do treat people who
are traumatized in some way.

What would you say to them?

Get over it!

Uh.

Did you actually see the guy?

Well, it was like seeing him,
I heard the tapping sound.

When you hear this...

At 3:00
in the morning,

believe me, it's like
seeing a guy with a mask!

Did Ben see him?

Ben heard a different sound.

He heard like this...

Ha ha ha!

Maybe the guy was having
coffee on the fire escape!

I can't believe I called 911

and they said it
was the wrong number!

How wrong can you be?

Huh.

Did you dial like,
n-i-n-e one-one?

That might've been the problem!

Okay, you win!

You're the stupidest
guy at the bar!

Ha ha ha!

Hello?

Dad, open the door!

And who's there?

It's me!

Let me ask you this then...

If you're really
who you claim to be...

And... I'm sorry...
Who did you claim to be?

Dad, it's me, open the door!

What's your
mother's maiden name?

I'll be back in an hour!

Ben, did you get the sweet-and-sour
pork like I asked you to?

I did.

Did anyone follow you?

Dad, when are you gonna relax?

When this beer kicks in,
is when I'm gonna relax!

Oh, man!
This is crazy!

Dad, why don't we just sit
and eat, and you know what...

There's no possible way that
we're gonna get robbed again.

I'm thinking about maybe
moving to a gated community.

You know, see,
that's the problem.

You get paranoid about this

and then you can't live your
life normally ever again!

The cops suggested to me
that it might be an inside job.

So, how well do you know me?

It could've been you?

It's possible.

Hmmph.

I'm thinking about getting a
second peephole put in the door,

waist high.

Just in case someone
small comes calling.

Hmm, that's a good idea.

You know for a minute I thought
you, uh, you're going too far!

Why don't we get the phone book

and we can just keep
the peephole we have!

You're afraid of small people,
now, is that it?

Well, every scary movie
I've ever seen

involves a midget that kills!

Like what?

Name any movie!

Ummm...
"Midget K*llers"?

They've got 'em.

Yeah.

"Too Small to Let You Live"!

"I'm Small and You're Dead"!

"If You Lift Me Up Again,
I'll k*ll You"!

There's a million of them!

"Look Down, Now You're Dead"!

Dad, you know, the attempted
robbery was like a week ago.

Look at this, they have 8 different
kinds of pepper spray, Ben!

Really?

Yeah.

Can you put it on food?

I think.

'Cause I like the hot stuff!

There's one with
a grounded pepper spray!

Ha ha ha!

That would be
a good way to do it...

You pretend you're putting
some of this grounded pepper

on their food...
The burglars...

Then you whack them over
the head with a big thing.

Yeah, they have to have food
in order for that to work.

Oh, that's right!

We'll put out a spread.

I can't go on living like this.

Maybe we should,
go to the other side.

You know what I mean?

You talkin' about starting
a life of crime?

I think a life of crime would be
rather romantic, don't you think?

What kinda criminal
do you see yourself being?

You know you watch all those
movies, like Butch Cassidy...

Yeah, that's what I was thinking,
I'd like to rob a stagecoach.

Yeah... they
still have those?

No, that's my point,
we're already out of work!

What do they use now to transport
people back and forth?

Umm, airplanes.

We should rob one!

But, I really want to be in a
situation though, dad, where...

We pull a heist...

Uh-huh.

And I got sh*t, right?

Then you have to take me
to one of those...

Guys who aren't really a doctor

but who could sew me up
like across the border...

A seamstress!

A tailor!

A guy who has to bring me to his
back room with no anesthetic

give me a slug of liquor
and then sew me up...

And then I'd die.

Alright, bad ending!

But...
Interesting life!

Sure!

Let's go to bed and we'll
leave the windows wide open!

You gotta be crazy!

You know, as long as
they're gonna rob us

we might as well
get some fresh air!

Yeah, you're feeling
better now, though?

Yeah.

Why don't you give your
old son a good-night hug!

Come here!
Get over here!

I got you!

Okay, now put me down!

Now, what's this...
I stole your wallet!

Oh, man!

You suck!

Check, look inside that wallet!

What?

Fake wallet!

Ahhh, you got me!

When you're good, you're good!

Oh, Dr. Katz, I was
in the Seattle airport...

Uh-huh.

And as you're walking
into baggage claim

they have this 9-panel depiction
of a magic act... it's painted!

I mean, magic is
already boring... live!

Y'know, even if the guy's
right there in front of you,

the most you're gonna get is...
"Oh, wow. That is my card.

Yep, you did it!"

Yeah.

But, to paint a magic act,
it didn't make any sense to me

but, it works actually
on some weird level.

You do get emotionally
invested in it.

Because you start off
and the first panel is...

The guy dressed as a magician

and he's got
the disappearing box

and you see his assistant

and then you progress
down the wall there

and you see the guy gets in
the box and there are no wires

and he turns the box,
and the next panel

the box is being turned again

and then the very last panel...

The box's been opened up
and they guy has disappeared!

And you find yourself
really fascinated, like...

"How did they do that?
That's amazing!"

And you run back really quickly
and you watch it again,

"Okay, he's getting in,
clearly, there are no wires

and I don't see him..."

And you get there,
and it's like,

"Yeah, the guy's gone,
he did it!"

So Dr. Katz,
I had a great Easter.

And I was thinking,
it's celebrating

the ascension of
Jesus into heaven.

And I was wondering, if, when
Jesus was rising up to heaven,

if you had grabbed on to his
leg, could you go up to heaven?

Hhmmm!

And you could be up in heaven.

You'd be the
first guy in heaven!

And Jesus maybe
would shake his leg

but if you had a firm grip,
you'd be right up in heaven

hanging with Jesus and god!

And walking on clouds,
they couldn't let you go...

You'd be up there,
it would be so neat!

That's what I would've done
had I been an apostle.

You know, I was wondering when
Jesus was ascending into heaven,

uhm, do you think
his ears popped?

Good chance.

But also, what if you were
on the ground

when Jesus was ascending

and then you suddenly remembered
that he had your keys?

That would've...

"Jesus, you have my keys,
throw down my keys, please!

Jesus, listen!

Before he's going too high,
he's got my keys!

My keys, my house keys!

Awwwww!"

Y'know, doc, I'm
so self-conscious

one time, I was with a person...
You seem to be great at this...

People come and tell you
all kinds of boring things

and you never even
yawn or anything.

I was listening
to someone talking

and I was having lunch
with this guy

and I got so bored, and I yawned

and then we'd just
started the lunch

and I had to pretend that
that was how I talked...

Ahhh-yeahhh-
good salad.

So now he thinks
you're alert but an idiot.

Yeah, every time he calls,
I have to go...

Welll... anyway.

I wish I could be more confident...
You know who I admire?

Who?

The 6th grader who had
sex with his teacher!

Ahhh.

That kid must've have a
tremendous amount of self-esteem!

I mean, I wouldn't even
look at my teacher in the eye!

Can you imagine this kid...
What confidence!

She says, "Do you want
to stay after school?"

I'm sure the kid says,
"I dunno, depends.

I'm supposed to play soccer but
I can move some stuff around.

What do you
have in mind?"

It's weird... in terms
of development...

Every month is critical.

Like a 6-month-old can do things
that a 3-month-old can't

a one-year-old can do things
that a 9-month-old can't...

You know what the
truth is, doctor?

You never make up
that difference!

That's right!

My friend Steve, he was born in
April and I was born in July...

He's a little bit
better reader than I am.

Oops. You know what
the music means, Lew?

Our time is up!