01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

good morning mr. Warren may I say to

begin with how very much like Robert

Redford you're looking this morning

no no I never fall for that one he knows

as well as I do it looks like Roland rut

morning mr. Warren cards on the table

I'm here to lick your boots

mr. Warren leave him alone look I don't

know why you're so worried he's only a

bank manager if that supposed to make me

feel better what time's your appointment

quarter to ten richard has offered to

give me a lift there for moral support

and then when it's all over you'll

return here with what's left of them

share mum look you've got a good place

explain to Warren calmly and rationally

that you're taking on two lodgers you're

about to get a third and that for the

first time in living memory you'll be

giving him money instead of vice versa -

no you're right you're absolutely right

and the beauty of this scheme is you'd

probably be so surprised he dropped it

about the third lodger mum mmm well you

see in couple of kospi Jesus afternoon

Ryan why don't we take both of them

because we've only got room what no not

if we have vicked Chris baked Chris got

a week of them now mum it's been seven

days too many I mean don't you find it a

little claustrophobic living with an ego

the size of Everest but at least it

doesn't leave his lady shave in the B

day no no Chris is okay deep down he's

just a nice normal ordinary

alien morning bonus now it's no secret

that I'm a fairly amazing guy but what

you're about to see is epic by any

standards on the count of three I shall

drop this blanket if you're a flasher

Chris consider yourself evicted one it's

a fair description too no way this could

be the best laugh about all year

what do you reckon my initial reaction

is one of immense relief that you're

wearing anything there's nearly 15 feet

of wiring in here have you ever seen

such a tasty looking ring me did you

make it yourself did you have it run up

by a comedian at the electricity board

do you mind this is all my own work it's

little touches like this make me a

legend in Huddersfield tonight no I

thought to go to test goes in it of

course I'm planning to wear it tonight

tonight's my big break the first booking

you realize what this means I was hoping

it means you'll be able to pay your

second week's rent

well there's that's of course but I was

thinking more in terms of the global

implications this is an historic moment

tonight marks the first step on my

speedy path to fame and fortune Monica

said this before and I'll say it again a

bit of adulation from you at this stage

in my career will pay dividends when I'm

a megastar you being booked for a gig at

the Hippodrome the reality is somewhat

different is it not we are in fact

talking about the annual dinner dance of

the Kilburn Flat Earth Society could be

some influential people there oh I know

a lot of influential people are mad

Wow now here's the lady with case tickle

you're not wrong

Chris temple hit town and I don't care

who knows it

who squashed your briefcase the special

fashion design for our end-of-term

project well this is absolutely real I

was gonna say weird it's my vision of

what we'll all be wearing 50 years from

now 50 years eh that's the relief cause

frankly I'm in no rush to climb into

this what do you reckon mrs. hatten do

you reckon woolly baby grows for adults

or catch on not with me they won't the

whole point is that in 50 years time

we'll probably be in the middle of a new

ice age it's not very alluring though is

it Carol more an earring than frostbite

well I'm glad we got 50 years to think

about it but I can tell you now I feel a

right wallet collecting my pension in

that Christmas tree

well I think I'll just go and slip into

something else try the river

hello Rick how's it going two points

firstly the name is Richard not Rick

never has been Rick and one our power in

my body and never will be Rick second

why are you dressed like a tarts boudoir

mind this is my working gear I've got my

first gig tonight tell me honestly what

do you think I think it's time you ask

yourself whether this disc jockey boom

this is really a suitable job for a

grown men ah a human I'm a Richard well

what do you think of the lads gear

apparently you see nothing like it since

it was last in a tarts boudoir anymore

jives like that chummy and you're on

course for a painful short-circuit

come on girls you be late the courage by

Richard by Richard well what do you

think very smart so difficult to know

what to wear into battle against the

bank manager and Marks and Spencers were

fresh out of armor

I'll tell mr. Warren you're here thank

you I've just confessed them here

relax Sheila I can't this is worse than

having your legs waxed glad to help

doesn't that contravene the trades

descriptions act they ought to put

posters up in here that tell the truth

such as if you borrow one penny of our

money we'll make your life a living

nightmare

well I'm not sure it would pull in the

customers necks honest though can't pay

your bills

try su1c1de you are getting this whole

thing out of proportion thinking of

opening an account here you must need

your head examined

now listen to me Sheila it is vital that

you are psychologically geared up to

present your case to its maximum

advantage at the moment you're radiating

all the confidence of a soggy sponge now

there is a well tried method of cutting

pompous figures of authority down to

size be they politicians or bank

managers and I suggest you use it well

I'm listening

imagine him naked

was intimidated by Juarez pinstripes the

trick is to imagine what a laughable

sight he must look in the past I mean

Thank You Polly take a seat mrs. hatten

I have before me or file

makes Fanny grizzly reading

Sorry Sorry Sorry

let's told us you find the situation

amusing mrs. heaven y'all had to face

some fairly stark reality

please grant me the courtesy or serious

attention I'll try and be brief

yeah as I see them I'm a bear

I heard this joke this weekend and then

another Scot sorry I'm fine now fine

really really fun when your husband d*ed

18 months ago I like to think we weren't

unsympathetic to your plight you were

faced with substantial mortgage

commitments so we extended your

overdraft facility

all we ask to return is that you've sold

your house as soon as possible and move

somewhere a lot cheaper ah now you see I

have the solutions please let me finish

we don't go in for trendy slogans here

this is heaven we're not the action bank

we're not the listening man

we're the bank that likes to get his

money back

yes now you made that abundantly clear

in your thread in your letters I had our

Chairman has pinpointed bad debts is the

primary cause of his ulcer your lies

last year our profits fell by 169

million pounds

that can't be all down to me no you see

I have the solution so drops a lot of a

solution could there possibly be not

just three lodgers now their combined

rent would be 105 pounds a week which I

will deposit here against my overdraft

now I know you were hoping for a lump

sum a lot her opinion system system yes

but this way if you think about it

you'll get more interest think of the

profits I mean you'll be laughing all

the way to the bank a hundred and five

pounds a week I know what you're

thinking you're thinking christmas has

come early this year

Sheila how did it

I think I've sprained my wrist ouch can

I help I don't miss a doctor almost yeah

a medical student let me have a look oh

that's very kind

yeah oh it's my pleasure it makes a nice

change with dissecting frogs how was

Warren Oh huge you're seething mass and

barely suppressed v*olence I hate to

think what it gets up to when there's a

full moon but did he like your proposal

not much I've got my third Lord you

didn't help much neither did the fact

that I kept seeing him with his little

loofah in his hand anyway let me know

tomorrow excuse me does that hurt yes

does that hurt yes do that

oh I'm sorry all that I should be

directing my anger at the Dan fuller

left a parcel there oh you are crippling

the cause of science Amy was sorry

you could have look where you were going

well as usual Sheila I only had eyes for

you

you'll have to drive I'm afraid you

really want to get that bandit you know

I barely do happy to do it

oh how can we ever thank you but

actually there might be away me Henry

I'll just see if the kettles boiled now

this is a bit much Schuler a man causes

me GBH and now you're offering in the

roof

oh stop grumbling or I'll put bromide in

your coffin so at least he's got a

worthwhile career lined up more than I

can say for our young friend upstairs

his only contribution to society would

appear to be an impersonation of the

Blackpool Illuminations Oh what I

particularly like about it is there's no

medical students down there I'm sorry

but I'm sharing a flat with four of them

at present you see that's why I want to

move they're always talking shop and

well for some reason I'm one of those

people who finds it very difficult to

cope with in-depth discussions of

intestines over dinner I don't think

you're alone if I'm honest I find it

hard to cope with intestines at any time

of day hate the sight of blood

effect I'm really rather squeamish if

you may have chosen the wrong career Oh

frequently my father assures me I'll get

used to it but I'm not so sure is your

father a doctor yes and his father and

his father that's the trouble you see so

much is expected of me sometimes wish I

could just call it a day and be a

lollipop man well I think you're tired

terrific bandage Henry my advice to you

is to stick it out as the actress said

to the bishop Chris this is Henry hi

hello Henry may be staying with us Chris

already is so you may wish to reconsider

come on forgive and forget a what I'm

assuming that'll think was inspired by

our dust-up at the front door earlier

water under the bridge as far as I'm

concerned

sorry I'm just popping up some spare

batteries from a costume prime candidate

for a lobotomy when you've got a spare

moment yes I know oh he's gonna let me

know tomorrow how can we let you know

today because he likes his customers to

have insomnia anyway the good thing is

if he does say yes I think I found our

third lodger nice yes very nice as a

medical student his name's Henry is he

sexy is the sexiest medical student

named Henry I've met in a bank this week

nothing you like him alone you have to

wear trousers for Carol to like him and

not necessarily now look guess we're

journey I'm expecting the first of my

two potential lodgers about half an hour

again what a Vegas start what about

Henry

well Henry can't let me know until

tomorrow so I might as well see the

other two about time

mr. stick yes come in

did you have difficulty finding us no we

did say 5:30 did we have fascinating and

I have got somebody else coming well

bully for them no number one laundry

laundry is how often do you do my dirty

washing approximately never never no we

have a little motto here at number 20

man who wants dirty washing done legs it

to laundrette number two garlic garlic

yes I have very strong views on garlic

ah what a shame because here we

absolutely thrive when it can't get

enough of it love it love it love it

sorry to avoid you journey

very very interesting I adore God

damn damn pyro

number three but state of and roaches

for just fifteen fairly personal items

right I think I'll see my room no I'm

sorry it's gone gone gone yes yes it was

it was here this morning and then

suddenly hello

I'm mr. McAlpine please call me Hamish

oh hey Mitch do come in go by mr. Stokes

do go out I shouldn't bother if I was

you the whole place is a firetrap

she's got practice not any longer I

haven't Los Angeles Jenna Hong Kong real

no there can't be many places in the

world that I haven't touched down once

or twice but much as I enjoy being an

airline steward it isn't some respects a

bit of a dead-end job in what way

well the promotion prospects are limited

I mean however many duty-free yourself

there's no way they'll make me a pilot

ISTA yeah but I have an ambition this

has happened a dream and that's to open

a very own restaurant oh good for you

I'm very excited about it because I

think I've spotted a gap in the market I

mean London's chock-a-block with Italian

Chinese in Indian restaurants but we are

on the Scottish restful team

I'm off to k*ll them now well I gotta

set up the gear do a sound test check

the balance there's a lot of work

involved many other bests Chris this is

Hamish he's an airline steward

hello good gig keep on flashing all

right Hamish you're the ideal economy

can't move in mind you if we don't get

the thumbs up from that Mussolini clone

at the bank tomorrow we'd all been

moving out I know how Chris is getting

on Oh we'd be willing to his second

flash dance pan out the Kilburn flat air

society's probably gone into orbit

yeah I think that one they'll have

jumped off the end

there's there's no such thing as the

kilburn Flat Earth society's just a

front they used to book the hall I'm

talking about 150 Hells Angels didn't

stand a chance

I've tried to get the path to spirit

rolling by putting on some early Elvis

and they showed their appreciation by

acting a party Pipkin over my head

not only did that destroy the two hours

work I put it on my hair this afternoon

it's also fused to my lights and then as

an encore they smashed all my equipment

I'm a ruined man please the police the

rest of the population of children

hiding I'm lucky to be alive I think

I'll just pop upstairs and k*ll myself

if that's a Hells Angel I'm not in oh

I'm really sorry Chris sure truly you're

probably loving your socks off well I'm

not I'm genuinely sympathetic I don't

believe in kicking a big egg when he's

down

that's the nicest thing you've ever said

to me something I could do there is what

stay here and comfort me till dawn

oh sorry Chris my thoughts will be with

you but I'll be taking my body next door

in that case could you send up Carol

any news yet Oh

mum's taking an obscene phone call from

Warren as we speak oh and Henry called

earlier you likely Ramat things work out

yes oh hang on one moment please

you realized this I can only afford 105

times a week so naturally he wants 120

still I think I might be able to manage

that horrible feeling our rents about to

go up he also wants a guarantor

guarantor a well here I am

Oh would you mind very much not at all

I hate to ask but you're the only rich

person I know hello mr. Warren 120

pounds it is and I have my guarantor

commander Richard Beamish yes I thought

you'd like that

Oh No thank you what's a guarantor me it

means I'll be guaranteeing Sheila's

weekly payments or to put it another way

I'll be making damn sure you both pay

your rent on time oh well done mom thank

you ticked on one small point

are you planning to find the extra money

ah simple Christmas yes how would you

feel if I offer to reduce your rent by a

third doesn't your maths a bit up a

spout issue guarantor trust me well it

would make all the difference between

survival and going under because in all

the excitement last night I somehow

forgot to ask the held angels for my fee

well there is one condition though

condition yes you have to stay down in

the basement and you have to share oh

well I think we can manage that so you

Carol Carol with Hamish

very nice boy he was so disappointed

that Henry saw the room first but he

said if ever the opportunity arose would

be very glad to share with you

yeah he's abroad most of the time so

it's not as if you be on top of each

other well I know that but does he

nothing

well let's settle then shall we go and

cr*ck a teabag penny Fordham I was just

thinking at such hopes when I left

others field look at me now my careers

in ruins my likes are fused and I'm

about to move in with Mary Queen of

Scots oh I've had many ambitions in my

life but I didn't remember landlady ever

being one of them do you think I've done

the right thing knock once for yes and

twice the No