06x68 - Ben's Partay

[bunniefuu]

Ben, who is it that calls here

at 1:00 in
the morning?

Did that wake you up?

Yeah.

Well, that was Bruce Tempkin.

Do you remember Bruce Tempkin?

Bruce-call-at-1:00
in-the-morning Tempkin?

Yeah, sure.

He called last night.

He's in town.
For the long weekend.

Ah, you guys gonna get together?

Well, I was hopin'
we would, yeah.

And I had mentioned that maybe
we should get together

Saturday night, because
Danny Rellon, remember him?

Danny Rellon, sure.

And Howie Benotovitch.

Howie Benotovitch.

They're also in town,
so I thought that maybe

all three of us
would get together.

Remember the time that
Howie convinced you

that he was lord Benotovitch?

Yeah.

He did act kind of like
he was royalty.

He was weird.

Yeah.

So actually though, dad,
I kind of thought maybe...

If these guys are all in town

that maybe I would
have a party here.

Ok.

In fact, you know, if you like

I'll get out
the guitar and uh...

No-no-no-no, no.

Y'know it's nice to have
some live music at a party.

No, y'know they're old friends

and they're in town
and this is a one-time deal...

You're not putting me out
by asking me to do it, Ben.

No, I'm just putting
you out for the party.

Oh!

'Cause I don't think
you should be here.

I mean, I haven't had
a party here, ever, have I?

I think it's a good idea
that I stick around

just to make sure things...

No no, dad?

Yeah?

I'm saying on that
particular night

it would be beneficial
to me and my guests

to not have, you know,
my father walking around.

A lot of your friends
enjoy my music.

I don't remember
Bruce, Howie or Danny

ever enjoying your music.

Well then, they are extremely
polite young men

because they sat through


"Someone left the cake out
in the rain."

Well dad, that was the worst I've
ever gotten beaten up after that.

Ha ha ha.

So Laura, do you have any
plans for the long weekend?

Are you going anywhere?
Doing anything special?

Um, not really.

Oh, 'cause I'm thinking about
coming into the office

and tackling that file cabinet
that I always want to do.

And uh... sounds
like a good idea.

Oh, great! So, I'll pick up
the donuts and the coffee

and I'll meet you here,
let's say, uh...

Meet me here?

Yeah!

No.

Well, I thought, maybe
you wanna come in and uh...

I mean, I was thinking that
if you and I did it,

we could turn it into
a little party.

Are we still
talking about this?!

Hi, it's Al Lubel... here
to see Dr. Katz.

I'd like to uh
do my song now, if I could.

♫ Well, I'm Al Lubel,
I'm Al Lubel-lll ♫

♫ I'm Al Lubel,
I'm standing here ♫

♫ I'm standing here
I'm standing here ♫

♫ I'm standing, I'm standing,
I'm standing, I'm standing,

♫ I'm standing, I'm standing,
I'm standing, I'm standing, ♫

♫ I'm irritating...

♫ I'm irritating,
I'm irritating ♫

♫ I'm irritating
I'm irri-ta-ting ♫

♫ I'm irri-ta-ting, I'm
irri-ta-ting, irri-ta-ting ♫

♫ I'm annoying annoying ♫

♫ I'm annoying, annoying,
oying, ohhh... ♫

Ahhhhh!

Aaahhhhh!

And my mother, whenever she
worried about me getting sick

her voice always sounded
so maniacal.

And I figured out why it had
that maniacal sound.

'Cause she had 2 emotions
in her voice

at the very same time.

Anger and fear, were in my
mother's voice at the same time.

She took,
"Button up your jacket"...

That's the anger.

And "Button up your jacket"...

And that's the fear.

And combined them into,
"Button up your jacket.

Button up your jacket, Alan.

You gotta button it up
all the way to the top, Alan."

"Button up your jacket."

And because my mother
was such a big influence on me

my voice had anger and fear
in it also.

"Button up your jacket."

"No, mom, I will not
button up my jacket."

The thing is... about being an
only child...

My mom gave me
too much attention.

My father, hardly gave me
any attention at all.

I used to wake him up early
in the morning to play catch.

And I'll never forget the
three words he'd scream at me

whenever he'd really
got frustrated,

'cause he'd always go "5 more
minutes, 5 more minutes"

but when he really got frustrated,
I'll never forget those 3 words.

I'd go, "Dad, let's play catch"
he'd go, "Get ouuuuttta here!"

I'm not exaggerating, he'd go
"Get ouuuuttta here!"

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura!

Hi Ben.

How are ya?

Fine.

Good, me too.

So uh, what does a gal like you
got planned for the weekend?

Why does everyone
keep asking me that?

Well, you're, you know,
you're a young, vibrant woman

and people must be curious

what a gal like you does
over the weekend.

Well, I have a couple of things

that I'm gonna do.

Oh, well that sounds... what are
you doing this weekend Ben?

You know it's funny
you should ask.

Umm-hmm.

Friday night I'm probably
gonna just, you know

play it cool, hang out
spend some time alone.

Saturday morning I'll
probably get up early

and get supplies for...
The biggest, greatest party

ever to be had at my place
on Saturday night.

Um-hmm.

Well, I'm... havin' a party,
I mean it's a whole party,

I mean, a serious uh,
a big party.

Great! Have fun!

I mean, there'll be
people and food.

I told you, I have plans.

This isn't gonna be
your typical party, Laura.

Number one there will be
free food and an open bar.

I don't think I've
ever been to a party

that didn't have
free food and an open bar.

Right, but this party
will have better food,

like, I will have
free lobster, y'know?

Why do you keep saying "free"

like people charge
for food at a party.

Well, normally you charge
for food at a party, right?

Ben, have you ever
been to a party?

Yes, I used to...
I would always pay.

Do you know that you
probably were the only one

being charged for food?

You mean, you're not supposed
to pay in the front?

No.

Oh.

Uh hi, I uh, I...
Actually my name's Tom.

I lost my datebook,
so I just came right over

in case I have an appointment.

Oh... well you do!

Oh man!

I nailed it on the first doctor!

I fondly remember
my wedding day.

I mean, besides getting married,

that was part of it, too,

but you get all those presents,

you get a giant pile of presents
which you're excited about

and then you unwrap them
and it's a bunch of crap.

What did we get?

We got the big "Louisville
Slugger" pepper mill.

Right.

And what happens
with this thing...

Is I fill it with
the whole peppercorns,

the whole peppercorns,

and then I twist the top

and it drops the whole
peppercorns onto the food

and I don't get pepper
in every bite, of course,

but when I get one it certainly
makes up for all the ones I missed!

Ok, I think the
bottom-line difference

between being single
and being married is this:

When you're single, you're
exactly as happy as you are.

And when you're married,
you can only be as happy

as the least-happy person
in the apartment.

I'm not sure what you mean.

Ok, here's a visual
to drive that point home.

Like here's a married couple

and here's the
scale of happiness

from "1" all the way up to "10".

Let's say this married person
is "3" happy

this one is "7" happy,
this "7" one comes home...

♫ Dee-doo Dee-do
Dee-do... ♫

"Hi dear, I'm home..."

Ben, look what
just came in, buddy...

Susan Anton workout tape.

Really?

Yeahhhh.

Did I want that one?

You did want that one.

I've seen the Susan Anton one.

Part two?

No!

Listen, I uh, I actually came by
not to even rent or get candy.

Wow!

Yeah, I'm actually havin'
a party Saturday night.

Oh, really, Saturday night?

Saturday night.

Man, I'm goin' to the
theater on Saturday night.

Can you do this on Friday night?

No, I mean, I planned the party
on Saturday night.

I can't have the party Friday.

Oh, my friend
Joseph got the lead in.

"Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat".

He's playing Joseph.

Yeah.

I realize how funny that is now.

That is a coincidence, huh?

Yeah.

Why are you lying?

I mean, if you don't want to
come my party just say, "Ben...

No, I would love to
go to your party but I...

Well, don't lie again on top of
the dumb theater lie.

Ben, I'm not lying to you.

Where's the show playing, Todd?

It's at the Royal Oak Theater.

The Royal Oak.

Yeah.

Where's that, in England?

It's on, um, Oak
Boulevard, I don't know.

It's on the ticket,
which I don't have.

Umm-hmm okay,
so you're not lying.

No, I would love
to go to your party.

Because it doesn't
sound like you're lying

it sounds like you're
telling the truth.

You have a friend named Joseph

who is in a play called "Joseph"

playing at the Royal Oak Theater

and it's on Oak Street.

So Ben is having a party
this Saturday night.

Some of his old college friends
are in town.

Your Ben?
Ben has friends?

I mean from out of town?

Actually Ben went to high school
and college with these guys.

Huh.

Oh, so they were close.

Yeah but after, they went on
to graduate school

and Ben went into his room
and locked the door.

They kind of lost touch.

Hey, guess who's not
invited to the party?

Uh, the good doctor?

That's right.

Geesh!

I have been asked
not to be there.

Aw.

Do you guys have any plans?

Because I would love
to do something that night,

take my mind off the party.

Maybe we could go
to a show or something?

Or...

I... uh,
actually have plans...

Oh, sh**t, I do too.

Well, that's okay, I'm not
giving you much notice.

Maybe we'll do it
some other night

because that would be fun,

the three of us
just to go out somewhere.

Go bowling, do you bowl?

I love bowling.

I'm one of the
best bowlers around.

Well, I assume that.

Julie?

Yeah, I would go.

Also, the blood bank
is coming to town!

Positive?

What happened to
all my stuff on the table?

Where is it?

What are you talking about?

I had a whole bunch of
stuff on the table.

I put everything in boxes
and I put it under the couch.

Where's the couch?

In my bedroom.

Ben, you can't just
move furniture

you can't act unilaterally
in this situation.

You know it's your party
but I still live here.

Well dad, I had to
make a move, I mean, uh...

How many people are you
expecting at this point?

Well, I did invite Laura.

I invited Todd from
the video store.

I think you know him, right?

Umm-hmm.

All the guys.

And Bruce called
yesterday and he said

he had told a lot of
people about it so.

You know, this house
really is not designed

to accommodate that many people.

Well, I told the super
about the party.

Ok, but I want an
understanding with you,

forget about the super...

Dad, I really just deal
with the super now.

I cleared it up
with him and I...

Let's just say I greased a couple
of palms at the fire department.

Hmpf!

And they will not be coming by.

That's great.
Checkin' on this party.

Ben, you know maybe I'd
better stay and chaperon.

I'll wear a disguise...

You can say I'm your
wacky neighbor Johnny.

They'll never know.

Dad, I thought we'd agreed
that this would be

my time with my friends.

Well do Johnny for me see if...

Hey, bring on the chicks.

Dad.

Are you gonna finish that?

Dad!

Hey who wants to ride
on Johnny's knee?

No, y'know, no
Johnny should not come.

Ok, I could be Pierre.

Your French cousin
with no grasp of English.

Wanna hear my Pierre?

All right.

Say something to me.

Hey Pierre, thanks for coming.

I don't understand.

You don't understand what?

I don't really understand
what you say to me.

What do you mean
you don't understand?

It's a language problem.

But you're responding to
everything I'm saying.

I don't really
understand, though.

So every time I say something.

Where are the chicks!

Johnny get out.

Johnny, not now,
I'm talking to Pierre.

This guy's all over me!

Y'know, you never
see anyone, anymore

with the little h*tler mustache.

No, that's true.

He ruined that look forever.

He was that bad a guy...

That whatever facial hair
configuration he chose

would have been sh*t
for all eternity.

Mm-hmm.

And it's just good that he
chose such a lame one,

'cause, like,
who wants that anyway?

I mean, imagine if
instead of the mustache

h*tler had gone with the
big Elvis sideburns.

Right.

The tragedy there would be that
Elvis couldn't have had them

and he might have gone with
the little mustache.

I guess my biggest problem
is that I think too much.

Mm-hmm.

I think way too much.

But then I think,
"How can I be sure?"

How do I know I think too much?

How do I know I don't think
just the right amount?

Has anyone ever set
the right amount to think?

Is there a right amount?

What if I think
just the right amount?

Or what if what if I was
thinking just the right amount

but this very thought
just put me over.

I think too much but
not as... much as some people.

I was walking down the street...

This guy walked by me he was
talking to himself.

Now that's thinking too much
when you're talkin'...

He was blatantly
talking to himself.

He was thinking out loud.

Yeah, thinking out loud.

And as he walked by me I went

"That guy's a lunatic"

when I thought,
"Who am I talking to?"

I was thinkin' this...

One time I used one of those
change machines.

I put a dollar in,
I got 4 quarters back.

I was thinking,
the owner of this machine

at the end of each day
must be like,

I broke even again?

I need more machines!

Dr. Katz, I can't
do impressions...

But I'd like to
give this a sh*t.

Okay, okay, I'm game.

My first time
I've ever tried it.

My impression of the late, great
actor Jimmy Stewart...

"Leelah... leelah,
vocee, vocee tah

boca Lee, boca Lee desa bavalah

desa balava, keesen bobala,

casse moda tee seevah"...

Yeah.

"Casse mah tee visima
Cale vosto, Cale vosto."

That's it.

This is Jimmy Stewart?

This is Jimmy Stewart,
the actor?

You're scaring me, Al.

Ok, stop it now.

Zorbo lah!

Hey, Ben.

Hey, dad.

Why are you calling?

It sounds crazy
in the background.

What's that?
I can't hear ya.

What's goin' on?
Is the party going okay?

Let me turn the music down.

Okay.

Hey, dad.

Is it going okay, Ben?

Well, it's weird.

It's a little after 9:00 and
I've had no arrivals as of yet.

At 8:00 Mr. Warren
did come down.

Oh...

What time did he
leave his apartment?

Well, he fell
on the way down, too

and that was not good.

So he hurt himself
and I had to...

It's part of his
old world charm.

But uh, I'm ready and waiting
in a holding pattern.

What's you been doin'
for the last hour or two?

Well, I've had
a couple of drinks.

Mm-hmm.

I got loose.

I went pee-pee.

Oh dad, somebody's here.

I gotta go.

Ok Ben, have a good time.

Todd!

Ben!

What's up man, look I made it.

Wow, congratulations.
I thought you were...

Still dressed for the theater.

Yeah, looks it.

So you weren't lying, huh?
You went to the theater.

Yeah, I did go to the theater.

So you went to see "Joseph".

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joseph's gonna come by
with the whole cast.

Oh really?
Yeah, they're comin'.

They're taking their makeup off.

Well I'm glad you came,
come on in.

You're actually...
Number one to arrive.

What's goin on
with your hair, man?

What do you mean?

What is that "dep" or somethin'?

In it?

Yeah.

Yes!

Anyway, Todd?

Yeah?

This is exciting.

You should'a been here,
my neighbor from upstairs.

Mr. Warren, he's 88,
was here.

He came down.

Why did he leave?

He fell.

He fell?

Ok, well... do you want me
to take your coat and uh...

Ah, thank you.

You can come into
the living room and sit and...

Thanks man.

You want something to drink or?

Yeah.

I got food,
there's food on the table...

You gotta put the
music on though, man.

Oh, I'll put it on.

Because this is just turning
into me coming over your house.

What do you like to hear?

You like slow jazz or...

Slow jazz, no.

I'll just put this on
I hope it's all right.

Do you have any candles?

I don't, I thought
about that, though.

I'd like some candles.

Yeah, this isn't a date, Todd.

This is a party.

Oh... I know that.

Although... you'd really
have to make a case for it.

Yeah, well I'm tellin' ya people
are bound to show up any minute

and if not, uh...

Hey Ben, I hate to
break up the party but...

Why do you have two VCRs?

The two VCRs are for...
'Cause I...

The one on the right
is broken, so my dad got...

They're hooked to
each other though.

Well, that's 'cause
we were trying

to get power off
the other one to get to...

Jump-starting it?

What are you talking about?

What's the, wait,
what's this, what's this?

What are you talking about?

These are videotapes...

These are Vic's
house-brand blank tapes.

Right, I get those
all the time from...

But there's labels on 'em

with all the videos
that you've rented.

Ohh, my god, Todd!

My dad!

Your dad what?

My dad did that.

That's your handwriting.

How awful.

I recognize your handwriting.

My dad made me write that!

Hello?

Dad!

Ben, can you keep it down,
I'm in self-help.

Where are you?

I'm in a bookstore.

I'm in the
self-help section.

Oh, really?

How is the party going?

Dad, it's happening.

It's all happening.

That is great.

There's probably about


So, I'm in the kitchen.

Sounds like a great party.

Hey did Bruce and
those guys make it?

Oh, they're here, yeah.

Hey can I say hi
to Bruce for a second?

Well he's in the other room.

Oh, that's right I forgot
there's no way for him

to get from the other room
to this room.

Well, there's kind of
a lot of people

in between me and
the other... people...

Hi, yeah it's my place.

Yeah, don't
touch that, no don't.

Who are you talking to?

Yeah, no it's fine,
everything's going fine.

Don't touch, put it down!

Ben, who are you
talking to and what is he...

Y'know when people
come to a house

they think it's their own.

And then they take liberties.

What's the glass
I hear breaking?

Oh, that is glass breaking.

I'm on my way home.

No, no, dad,
don't that was just...

One guy dropped the thing,
the China cabinet.

Oh great.

So that's nothing,
I'll clean it up.

And Mr. Warren is fine,
he called from the hospital.

Oh great, great.

And he's doing fine,
he's in stable condition.

We should send him a
fruit basket or something.

I don't think that's necessary.

It was his fault.

What do you mean, "his fault"?

When he fell.

Yeah, but still it doesn't mean
we can't be sympathetic.

Screw'im.

Ok.

Dad, listen to me.

I gotta go
'cause I'm at a party.

Ok, Ben, have fun,
don't drink too much.

Dad, don't read too much.

Ok.

Dad.

Ben, how's it goin'?
How's the party?

It's uh, it's going.

Sounds crazy!

Yeah, more people have arrived.

Anyone you know?

No, no, a lot of people
I don't know.

What do I hear in the background

it sounds like, the cops.

No, that's the uh...

I'm outside on the fire escape.

Ben, please!

Have you been drinking?

No, I'm fine.

Please be careful
it's not a very safe.

Are you still at the bookstore?

Yeah, I'm still
at the bookstore.

Is everything okay, or?

Yeah, things are good,
things are good here.

Yeah, I was just checkin'
the party's actually fine.

No, no I've
seen that already, thanks.

Who are you talking to?

Actually, I just
bumped into Laura here.

Where, at the bookstore?

Yes.

Laura's at the bookstore?

Yes.

Wow.

In fact, she's standing
right next to me right, now.

Oh really, that's funny I...

You wanna say hi to Ben?

Laura!

Hi.

How come you're
at the bookstore?

Weren't you supposed to
come to the party?

No, I said I wasn't
coming to the party.

What are you guys
doing at the uh...

Hey, Laura, look at this.

Oh my god, look at that.

Can you believe
the size of that thing?

Sounds like you're
having fun at the bookstore.

No, we're just looking
through books together.

If you guys want to
leave the bookstore

and come to the party,
that's fine too.

Dad, now it's getting
a little later

and there's no reason for you...

No, that's okay, Ben, but
thank you for the offer.

Have fun and I'll see you
in a few hours, okay?

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Hello?

Let me talk to Laura again, dad.

Hang on one sec.

Laura!

Hi.

So you guys are havin' fun at
the bookstore, you and my dad?

Oh, it's okay.

What a weird thing that you
would be goin' to the bookstore

and my dad's there.

Yeah.

I'm havin' a huge party...

In my house...

And I know
no one... At it.

What did you expect?

Oh man, Laura I gotta go.

Bye.

Hello?

Can you, can I get in here?

No, it's my party.

No, I...

No, it's my apartment,

don't walk away!