06x72 - Snow Day

[bunniefuu]

...but actually,
I gotta wrap up here.

- So, I'm just gonna...
- Oh, okay.

So that means I can't
pour your coffee.

I'm just thrilled that you've
got something to do today.

How do you know I've got
something to do?

Well, why are you in a hurry
otherwise?

I got something to do today.

Okay.

I gotta run up to the roof.

Why are you going up
to the roof?

Well, I have a job this week.

What are you talking about?

- Well, you know Mr. Graham, right?
- Mm-hmm.

- He's going away for a week.
- Right.

And, I'm taking care of
his pigeons on the roof.

Huh. Well, you know
those pigeons...

Mr. Graham,
he's a very sweet guy

and since his wife d*ed...
Since his wife left him,

those pigeons are his life.

She did die.

No she didn't, she left him.

She flew the coop.

But do you know anything
about pigeons?

Because he'd be devastated

if anything happened
to those birds.

Well, I mean,
Mr. Graham gave me,

you know, a basic idea of
what they are.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't know until he told me.

But, umm, they are,
they're mammals...

Ahh, I really think you
should think twice about it

because, first of all, you may
not be qualified to take...

How many pigeons does he have?

I think there's twelve.

Twelve pigeons.

It's a big responsibility, Ben.

That's all.

Dad, they're pigeons.

I mean, it's not like I'm taking
over day care center or something.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I'm going to be getting
up early every morning...

Yeah.

You know, like 6 A.M.

I mean it's going to be
more along the lines of

a farm lifestyle for me now.

Mm-hmm.

You know, because I...
I got birds to feed.

So I, you know...

Yeah.

You can help, or you can
get in my way.

I would prefer you help.

Can't I do a little of each?

Do you have something on,
like, an upper deck?

'Cause the lower deck is...

It's too...

Laura?

Yeah, I'd like to reserve that.

And, ahh, could you overnight...

Hey, Laura?

Excuse me, Laura,
where's the Wyman file?

Could you hold on a second?

If you could just point to it.

Could you point to the file?

I'm trying to work out some
business stuff.

I'm sorry, Laura,
but just point...

Okay, go ahead.

Umm, I'm gonna have to
call you back, okay?

I'm so sorry,
okay... bye.

What?

No, I-I-I need
the Wyman file, that's all.

I'm sorry I interrupted you.

I didn't realize that you were
on an important call.

Well, you know, I'm trying to
make plans for my vacation.

It's hard to, you know,
to get good stuff

at the last minute like this.

When are you planning
to go away?

Probably...
Tomorrow night.

Y'know, my recollection is
that you don't have

that many vacation days
coming to you.

In fact, I think you're
overdrawn right now.

Well then, what's five more?

You can't go.
You can't...

First of all, you have to
give me notice.

You can't...
I'm not quitting.

I just would have appreciated
some notice, next time.

Well, I didn't know until now.

Now you know that next time
I appreciate notice.

Where you going?

Well, we're going on a cruise
in the Caribbean.

Who's we?

I'm going with
my college roommate.

Ahh, that sounds great.

Yeah.

Would you send me a card
from the Caribbean, Laura?

I'd love that. I'll be
back before you get it.

Would you bring me something?

- All right.
- Thanks.

What do you want?

I don't know.
Something Caribbean.

You know, like salsa or, umm,
some kind of Caribbean garb.

You want Caribbean garb?

Yeah.
Or salsa.

Okay.

Salsa picante.

- Dr. Katz...
- Yeah.

- I've got work to do.
- Okay.

Tell me something about
your childhood.

Tell me something
about your parents.

My dad is a third... one two... yeah,
third generation Irish-American...

Mm-hmm.

- Grew up in Boston.
- Right.

I don't know if you know
anything about

the working-class Irish
of the industrial East.

Well... he's not here
to judge anyone...

Be you white and catholic
or catholic and white...

Can't we all just get along?!

But you still spend time
with your parents now.

When I was living
in Los Angeles,

I had my parents come out
to visit me from Boston.

I would always go back there
and finally... you know what?

I'm tired of always
going out to see them.

I'm going to have them
come out and see me.

♫ Mistake! ♫

Don't you wish you had
that guy in your life?

Uh-huh.

Who lived in your closet...
Tuxedo and a top hat.

Every time you screwed up,
he'd just pop out.

"I'll just cut my own hair."

♫ Mistake! ♫

So my parents came out and
it was me and my parents

and my girlfriend and
her parents...

My girlfriend's parents are like


Ya know, they're teachers,
they're very intellectual.

Right.

You know, but everything was
great until, you know,

my father finally let go
with his opinions

and got a little hammered.

Well, I should have known
he got drunk, he turned red.

Let's see: You're Irish,
you get drunk, you turn red.

Physiological signal we
developed years ago

in case there's a sudden
insurrection against the British,

we know who not to give
loaded firearms to.

"I'm tired of the oppression.

We're charging the palace.

Shamus!

Urghh, you're red.

Kelly!

Urghh, you're red, too.

Screw it, we'll
do it next week.

Give me a guiness!"

What's up, Ben, because
I've got about two minutes here.

Yeah, I just, uhh,
I've been, uhh,

reading up on pigeons.

And I'll tell you something,

there is a lot of beautiful
history behind the bird.

Okay, Ben, tell me one thing
I don't know about pigeons.

Did you know that
in World w*r I,

pigeons served
the allied forces.

They actually had rank.

You know, there was, like,
lieutenants, sergeants...

There was even a colonel.

You know, uhh...

But I'll tell you something.

One of the most well-known
m*llitary pigeons was G.I. Joe.

- Is that true?
- That is true.

Because, if it's not true,

you're, you're going to
embarrass me

with that information.

No, I, first of all.

I'm going to blurt it out
at a cocktail party.

Yeah, don't do that.

I'll tell you, there is one
pigeon Mr. Graham has, Duke...

- That's his name?
- Yeah.

And that's a great bird.

Is he, like, the ring leader,
you think, of the pigeons?

Well, I think he's probably
the smartest, maybe the oldest.

Mm-hmm.

And he has some
special qualities.

Oh yeah?

Well, Duke is the only pigeon
I can really let out

that will come back.

Mm-hmm.

He's like a boomerang.

You know there's a pigeon
on my ledge right now!

k*ll it.

Ben, did you check on
the birds this morning?

What birds?

You were supposed to feed
Mr. Graham's pigeons.

Who's Mr. Graham?

Ben, this is not...
You're not...

Dad, relax.
I'm kidding.

I was already up there,
they're fine.

Okay. I'm just checking.

I mean, hey, did you read about
the big snowstorm coming?

No.

They're expecting as many
as 24 inches.



That is an enormous blizzard.

This is, this...
Yeah, that's a big storm.

I remember when you were little,

you used to get in bed with me

and we'd listen together,

mm-hmm.

For the school cancellations.

That's right.

And sometimes
I'd fall back asleep.

Mm-hmm.

And you would just tell me
school was cancelled.

I remember putting on, like,
so many layers, Ben,

that sometimes
I couldn't find you.

Right, right.

You know, we'd put on
a tee shirt,

we'd put on a sweatshirt,
we'd put on your snow pants.

And the snow pants you loved,

because you could fall over
and it wouldn't hurt.

Yeah. Those were
exciting days.

Ben, this could be an
exciting adventure for us.

I don't know why you're
so cranky about a storm.

We love storms!

We're storm people!

I don't know how to deal...
If there's a huge snowstorm,

what do I do with the,
with the birds?

Ben, the birds will know
what to do.

They're, they're not
new at this...

This "being outdoors-in-a-coop"
business.

You think I just
leave them be while...

If it's 2 feet of snow
they won't...

You know, they'll do fine, Ben.

What about heavy wind?

They can't calculate
the wind chill factor.

Well, what if it sleets,
and tiny pellets k*ll them?

Yeah, uh, Ben, you can get
paranoid about it, or you can...

Well what if, umm, what if
the electricity goes out?

And, what if people loot, and...

Take the pigeons?

Yeah.

You know what
could be the most...

A very elegant and simple
solution to this problem?

k*ll Mr. Graham.

I was going to say cardboard,

but I think, I think your
solution's much better.

Thank you.

Why can't we k*ll him
with cardboard?

Ha ha ha, alright.

I'm trying to remember, Meryl,
who referred you to me.

Well, I have a lot of friends
who've been to see you

and they all really,
they really respect you.

Or, they've at least been
to see you twice.

Right. So, what is it that
brings you here

and brings you to therapy?

Well, I worry that I'm not spending
enough time with people...

I'm spending too much time
with my dogs.

I have four dogs.

Right.

And I... I pretty much...
I live in a herd.

Yeah.

I'm sort of like Jane Goodall,

only without all that
irritating research.

Mm-hmm.

A lot of people don't want
to come visit me

because I have four dogs.

Especially my one dog, Louis.

The thing about him is
he's got what I refer to as

a "greeting disorder".

Mm-hmm.

His welcoming ceremonies can go

up to, and including,
maybe an hour and,

and that's just the injury part.

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, can you hear me okay?

Yeah, I can hear you.

I'm out here with, uhh,
my new friends

and I wanted to introduce
them to you, one-by-one.

So, uhh, hold on and say
hello to cr*cker.

cr*cker... say
something to Laura.

Do that little noise.

- Cute, isn't he, huh?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna put biscuit on...
Hold on one sec.

Biscuit, say hello to Laura.

Sounds like cr*cker but,
hold on...

Wafer, wafer!

Actually, I had a pet psychic
come to my house

to talk to Louis and find out
why he was doing that.

And the pet psychic couldn't really
give me any insight to Louis,

but she did explain to me that my
littlest dog, winkie, is a healer.

Yeah.

Which was sort of
a surprise to me

because the only thing I see
winkie doing on a regular basis

is walking really slowly

from one side of the house
to the other

licking the floor.

Ummm...

My little dog Winkie is...
Got a weight problem really.

If he was a human,
he would be like four feet high

and weigh 200 pounds.

I think one of the problems

that's apparent to me
with your dogs

is that often you start a story
about your dogs

with the phrase
"If he were a human".

Yeah, isn't that sad?

That's not sad, it's telling.

Yeah, I'm not sure
they aren't humans.

But, that would be really sad

because my dog Louis then
would be a 56-year-old guy

swallowing tennis balls.

Would that be so bad?

I took, uhh, a group photo
of the pigeons.

I put little ties on them.

It's like a class photo.

I'm actually up here right now

'cause I'm just securing
the coop, because of the storm.

Have you heard the storm's
coming through?

Yup.

Yeah, and it's
gonna be here tonight

and I'm a little concerned,
actually, 'cause

it could affect the pigeons.

Well I'll be long-gone
before the storm

because I'm leaving
for a cruise.

- I heard you're going on a cruise.
- Yup.

Y'know, there's a
good chance that uhh,

your flight will be canceled.

Ben, don't piss me off.

So they dictate the tempo and the
pace of your life, these dogs?

Well, they've been moving
mealtime...

Every day they move mealtime
down, another half an hour.

Mm-hmm.

It used to be at like


and now it's at


and they're trying
to move it to 7:00.

It's like the early-bird
special, I think.

That's what they're looking for.

I think they think,

that if they keep moving it
a little bit each day

earlier and earlier,

there's some sort of a
quantum physics moment

where all mealtimes meet and
it's all one continuous meal.

Yeah, Laura, why are you
going on a cruise?

I mean, are you going
with your grandparents, or?

No. I'm going with
my college roommate.

How old is she?

My age.

A cruise is typically
something that, you know,

either newlyweds go on
or older people.

No, it's not, y'know,
it's like being at a big resort.

Yeah, but you're on a boat.

It's awful, you can't get off.

It's like prison.

And then you stay
in little rooms,

and you eat bad food

and then you see
bad entertainment.

And, Laura, whatever you do,
don't do any skeet sh**ting

because, clay or not,
those are pigeons.

Hey, Todd.

Hey, what's up man?

A lot's up.

What's going on?

Well, I've been working hard
this week, y'know?

I'm a little tired.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What have you been working on?

Well, there's a guy in my
apartment building

Uh-huh.

He has a coop on the,
on the roof.

Do you know what a coop is?

A pigeon coop?
Yeah. No.

So, this week he's away...

And I'm, looking after
the pigeons.

Really?

Well, people scoff at it, Todd,
and they're wrong.

Well, enjoy the cleaning
of the pigeon sh...

Y'know, there's going to be
a big storm, Todd...

Yeah, I know.
Coming through.

I know.

Are you going to close the uhh,
the store down or?

Close the store down?

Yeah, I mean, I hear there's
going to be two feet of snow

and there's going to be
heavy, high winds.

Hey, toy stores don't close
around Christmas, do they?

Is this a riddle?

'Cause I'm not good at them.

Snowstorm equals
"Let's go rent a movie".

There's a mob of people who
want videos for the storm.

Well you know, Todd?

If you look around...

- Yeah.
- The store now.

And then look around again...

Uh-huh.

Unless people are hiding,

right.

There's no one here.

Storm's a-comin'.
Storm's a-comin'.

You know, here's the other
wrench in the plan:

I've never seen anyone here.

And I come here
pretty much daily.

You're hurting my feelings.

No, you know, I'm not
making fun of you.

Oh no, no. I-I don't know why
I thought you were.

You know what,
don't take it personally.

If I were making fun of you,
I would say other stuff.

I wouldn't talk about
the video store.

Right.

I'd talk about your personality

and how you dress funny.

Really?

And stuff like that.

And how you're, you're
kinda weird and

yeah.
A loner type.

And who knows what you do
on your own time?

I mean, I would say
stuff like that.

Really?

I wouldn't talk about
the video store.

I think this is probably
the best aspect of your life.

- Really?
- Yes.

So I don't need, like,
an exciting pigeon hobby

to keep me going?

And one thing that I see when
I travel, that kills me, is

teenage panhandlers.

Right.

It infuriates me.

And it makes me feel old

that I get angry at that stuff.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

There are people on the street
that need help,

that should get help,
that don't get help.

But then, there are these


in front of the record store,

"Got any change?"

Right.

$500 leather jacket,
$200 leather boots.

"Got any change?"

I mean, I don't mean to
seem insensitive,

but, I thought it took time
to become a bum.

I didn't know you could
rocket right into it.

I mean, I've been a comedian
for a long, long time.

And I always used to complain,

"It's so stressful.

It's such a stressful job.
It's so stressful."

And then I thought:
You know, grow up.

Is there any job that
isn't stressful?

I mean, what job out there

doesn't stress you
out of your mind?

And then one night
I was actually performing

and one guy shouted out,
"Bingo caller!"

And I thought, okay yeah, there's
one... bingo caller... one.

Right.

And then I thought,
no, wait a minute...

Bingo caller?

Every day you go to work

and have the hopes and dreams
of countless, helpless,

and elderly people
resting on your every move?

"I-7, I need my medicine."

"N-3."

"I hate you!"

I don't think we're going
to get that much snow.

I don't believe them.

They're always saying that
and they're always wrong.

They never know.

Well you know why they say that?

It's big business.

That's so stupid!

No, weather has become
a major industry.

- Oh yeah.
- It's pathetic.

It used to be just
the guy saying

it's going to be cold tomorrow,

or it's going to be
a little big muggy.

And now, they have like,
logos and music

and they get the whole
world pumped up

over a few inches of snow.

- Can't wait 'til it snows.
- Me, too.

Well, it's already snowing.

I love it, I'm so psyched.
I am pumped!

Yeah.

There is something about a storm

that makes people drink more

and feel...

There's a certain
sense of desperation.

Oh, it's an amazing time.

Yeah, it's very weird.

I always notice
a difference in here.

Do people drink more
during a storm?

Oh yeah, people are weird.

It's sort of,
it's like a full moon.

- Awwwooooooo!
- Yeah.

It's like, it's liberating us
in a certain way, I think.

What do you mean?

Well, you know,
the storm is coming.

Certain choices that you
ordinarily make in your life

are going to be
made for you by nature.

It permits you to do almost...

Why don't we holdup
a liquor store just for fun?

You know, birds are
creatures of nature.

They're built to survive
this kind of storm.

I'm just not sure I-I-I've
secured them well enough.

I mean, one major gust of wind
could blow that whole coop out.

So maybe you want to, uhh,

maybe you want to go up
and secure the coop.

I'm not going out there.
It's freezing.

Well, you can't have it
both ways, Ben.

Well, all I'm saying is maybe
I should go up there right now

and bring the birds in here.

I mean, would... bring
them in with us?

Would you allow me to bring
the birds into the apartment?

Until the snow clears?

No, I would not...
I would not permit that.

Because, they carry all kinds
of disease, birds.

Dad, I've touched them all week
and I don't have anything

yup.

Except these sores.

I'd like you to get
a check-up

when this whole thing
blows over.

Yeah. I find it hard
to believe

that you wouldn't
take in twelve birds.

Especially Duke, who has...

I think, a superior
intelligence.

Well, why don't we take in
Duke and see how that goes.

Well, we'll put them all
in the den.

They won't... and we'll
shut both doors

and they won't get out.

You know what, Ben?

Try to relax.

Enjoy the storm,
enjoy the night.

Mm-hmm.

In the morning,
we'll go up together,

we'll look at the birds

and I'll bet you
they'll be fine.

Alright. Well, you know,
I hope you're right.

Let their frozen blood be
on your conscience tomorrow

if the worst happens, okay?

Okay.

So, that's okay?

It's okay with me.

I will have frozen blood
on my conscience.

Yeah, okay.
You let their rigid bodies

and their "xs" for eyes,

you let that be on your
conscience.

Okay. It's a deal.

You're gonna to go to bed?

Yes.

Even though with the
dead bird thing?

I can sleep through "dead bird".

Mr. Graham's only things
in his life that he cares about,

you're willing to
take away from him.

So, let Mr. Graham be on your
conscience tonight, too.

Good night.

Good night.

You're going to
go to bed with that?

I'm going to bed with...

Let Mrs. Graham, who d*ed...

No, she didn't die,
she left him.

No, she d*ed.

Can I just review the things

I'm taking to bed
on my conscience?

Fine.

I got some pigeon blood,

frozen pigeon blood.
Frozen pigeon blood.

I got some frozen pigeons
and Mr. Graham.

And you have a
deceased Mrs. Graham.

No, she's not.
She's fine, Ben.

She's having
the time of her life.

Good night!

Dad, check it out.

They look fine, Ben.

Well, yeah.
I mean, I think it's...

They look like they slept
better than you did,

although it's hard to tell
a well-rested pigeon

from the rest of the pigeons.

Well, you know Mr. Graham
can't complain.

I mean, I did my job.

Do you feel reassured that
they can survive on their own?

I suppose, although, there
wasn't as much accumulation

as I first thought
there was going to be.

Yeah.

But dad, isn't it...
It's nice to be up here.

We, first of all, we've never
spent a lot of time

on the roof together.

It's really
beautiful up here, Ben.

You can see, you can see...

You can see
the whole city, really.

Yeah.

And, and, and the snow
is now softly falling.

And the pigeons are purring...

"Prrrrrr."

I do a little impression
of them.

You had me going.

You know dad?

Yeah.

Maybe you should think about
taking the day off,

staying up here with me,
we'll... you know there's...

We'll sit out, we'll...
There's nothing I'd...

We'll feed the pigeons, we'll...

There's nothing
I'd love more, Ben.

But just like you have a sense of
responsibility towards the pigeons

I feel the same sense of
responsibility towards my patients.

Yeah, but you know,
I bet you, you know,

people are gonna be getting
a late start anyway, today.

'Cause of the snow build-up.

So maybe you just
stay in for the morning?

Well, but can you imagine
somebody digging

their way out of their driveway,

traveling in the snow
to my office,

getting there and I'm not there?

Yeah.

The other thing is
I bought 30 loaves of bread.

Yeah, I really should
go into work.

The other thing is Laura,

Laura is not going to be
in there.

So, I mean...
No actually, she is.

Her flight got canceled,
so, she is coming in today.

Ah-ha!
Ha-ha-ha!

I told her so!

Yeah.

Ben is right... a lot.

You know, dad, though,
if you're going to leave,

I really wanna show you
my prize bird, before you go.

Okay.

You see the big bird
right there?

That's Duke?

That's Duke.

He's a good-looking bird.

He's a beautiful bird.

Yeah.

But let me show you how,
how amazing Duke is.

Okay.

Alright, Duke?

Are you ready?

And... fly!

And Duke will...

Where's it?

Duke will turn around
and come back.

That's...

I mean, this bird is like,
hones in on the coop.

Duke!

He's uhh, he's definitely
flying way out there now,

but he'll...
Yeah, I don't think...

Uhh, he, yeah...

Well...

Duke!

Did you do anything that
might have pissed him off?

Well, I... maybe if we...
Wave our hands, dad.

Give him a target.

I think what's important is that
you remember him at his peak.

Duke was definitely
Mr. Graham's favorite bird.

It's gonna be
an adjustment for him.

Now this doesn't bode well.

No.

Duke!

I'm sort of just a permanent
loser at love,

is what I feel like.

Well...

I've never really had a
successful love relationship.

I sort of,
when I see happy couples,

I feel like I turn into
Margaret Meade.

I just sort of stare at them
and I think,

"What are they doing, exactly?"

Did you say you were
a loser at love?

Yeah, I'm a very big loser
at love, yeah.

I think a better way
to say it, is

that you haven't been
lucky at love yet.

That's... yeah.

I think it's important, Meryl,

that you use language
that doesn't exclude hope.

Well there's no hope
for the past.

- Well, that's true.
- Right.

I'm not going to
nickel-and-dime you on this.

No.

I've been going out with my
girlfriend for three years now.

And now...
I'm getting hit on.

Right.

When I was single and could
do something about it...

Nothing!

Yeah.

And they... I guess they say
it's that confidence factor,

if you're not
looking for something?

I mean, maybe that's true.

Apparently I don't even
realize it,

but I'm walking through
nightclubs like Cary Grant.

"Hello, darling,
good to see you.

No, I don't have time
for drinks,

but why don't we
brunch on Sunday?

And what do you mean
you won't look fantastic?

You always look fantastic
because you are fantastic.

I'll see you on Sunday."

But the same club,
the same people,

but you're single...

Suddenly you're climbing
through a hatch in the back

like Vincent Price.

"I couldn't help noticing you
sitting alone at the bar.

Why don't you look at me
when I'm speaking to you?"

Oops!

You know what the music means,
Dana, our time is up.

Uhh...

Yeah, I know but, see I don't...

I actually feel worse now
than I did when I came in.

Are you listening anymore?

Umm...

Boy!