06x77 - Radio Katz

[bunniefuu]

I-I don't mind when the
people who handle food

wear those gloves.

Right.

But it's the surgical masks

that make me nervous.

Well, 'cause this is a
medical-themed restaurant, dad.

Oh.

That's why.

Yeah, I guess, I'll have
the yogurt, then.

And it's also because of
the enormous popularity

of shows
like "E.R.",

these medical shows.

That people think

that people want to have
lunch at an I.C.U....

I see you!

Oh, dad!

So you don't have to be sick

to eat hospital food anymore.

It's great.

It's the best of both worlds.

I'll tuck you in.

Oh, man.

Hey, I actually want...

I got some exciting news.

Guess who called today?

Who?

Carlton Campbell.

Oh my god.

That's right!

- You're kidding.
- Nope.

Carlton Campbell.

Mm-hmm.

The rich industrialist?

Nope.

Carlton Campbell's a
colleague of mine...

Oh.
It's hard to say.

Carlton Campbell.

And he has a show called
"Campbell's couch",

a call-in radio show.

He's gonna be out
of town Friday night

and asked me if
I would cover for him.

I've never heard
of this radio show.

Uh... well,
it's on am radio,

from 10:00 to 1:00

and, it...

Y'know, people
call in with problems,

and he tries to give them advice

on the air and it's, uh...

So he's a therapist, too.

He's a therapist, but,

y'know, he's in
show business and he...

'Cause he's a radio personality?

Yeah.

That's not show business.

Well, you know he's on the...

The fringe.

The fringe of
show business, yeah.

Um, so he
asked... You?

Yeah, he thought
I would do a good job

hosting the show one night.

Does he... does he
know you well?

Uhh... yeah.

'Cause you're the-the last guy
I would picture

being on the radio show,
I wouldn't...

Now why is that, Ben?

People who are on the radio have, uh,
spent, y'know, they... they're experienced,

it's broadcasting.

Ben, what's the, uh, big deal?

Somebody will call up
with a problem,

and I'll either
help them or not.

You know, I don't like

the idea of those shows anyway.

You know, the people
call in for...

With their problems.

Yeah.

The calls that come in

are all those, y'know,
they're all those...

It's just a gimmick.

It's a scam.

I think you can get

genuine help on the air.

I think it's just a coincidence,

but I think it could happen.

Dad, you also have
to be very careful,

'cause radio attracts,

um, a fringe audience.

Is that right?

Yeah, yeah.
You know, don't, um...

Don't piss off the skinheads.

- Right.
- Okay.

I'm writing that on
my hand right now,

"Don't piss off
the skinheads."

In fact, Ben, maybe you would
like to come down and...

And see how one of these
things is thrown together,

these shows.

I have been to a radio station.

Yeah.

And, um...
But I would be...

But I've never seen a show,
actually, uh, taped.

I bet it's really exciting

to see a guy sitting there.

Behind a mic.

Taking a phone call.

Yeah.

You're being sarcastic, Ben

but what you're not seeing is
the hundreds and thousands

and possibly millions of people

glued to the radio, listening...

Clinging to my every word.

Dad, it's not the '40s.

People are watching TV now.

You're not FDR.

People aren't tuning in

especially to hear
your radio show.

There might be, like,


All very sad.

My hands are sweating so much

that "Don't" came off the
"Don't piss off the skinheads."

It just says "Piss off
the skinheads," now.

Now I'm screwed.

I'm screwed.

Hey, Laura, guess what?

What?

A colleague of mine asked me...

This guy, uh, Carlton Campbell,

if I would host his
radio show Friday night.

He has a call-in
radio show.

And...

This is the weird part,
I said, "yes."

Really?

It's on from


Oh, that's a good time slot.

Well, I guess, that's when
people are sort of more

reflective and pensive

and, uh... home.

Right.

And I thought it might be fun

if you come down
with me to the station.

Well, why?

Well, we could do, uh...
You could screen the calls,

we could do a little
banter, maybe, on the air.

Mmm.

"You look
great today."

"Oh, stop."

Might be fun.

I don't know.

I'll say things to you like, um,

"Is the caller
there, Laura?"

"Yes."

"Thank you,
put him through."

"Okay."

"How's it going
out there?"

"Good."

You know, and things like that.

I can do that.

Yeah, y'know,

you could be my, uh, producer.

I like that.

Y'know, there'll be
products to plug

and you could...

Well, do you think it's ethical

for a therapist to be
pushing products on people?

Ethical?

I look at some of these guys,

these athletes...

When they let themselves go,
the body, it's...

Do you remember Buster Douglas?

'Member, he...

Oh... yes, I do,
the boxer.

Well, he b*at
Mike Tyson, 'member?

Right.

And then I see him,
he fights Evander Holyfield.

He had like a beer belly,

and he had, like,
those big "Buddha" tits.

His nipples were pointing
straight to the ground,

isn't that a bad sign?

I'm not a boxing expert,
or a nipple expert,

but when you're about to
climb into the ring

against a world-class
heavyweight,

your nipples better
be kinda perky,

y'know what I mean?

You better have two little,
rigid "raisinets"

jettin' outta your chest.

That's all I'm sayin'.

I couldn't agree more.

I love my uncle.

Bad kisser, but a good guy.

This is...
Aunt Iola's husband?

Yeah, my uncle Tony.

Yeah.

And he was a guy that, uh...

He hated everybody,
he hated Julius Erving.

He hated "The doctor".

He said, "The doctor,

what the hell'd
he ever cure?"

He said he was
"The doctor of my ass,

that's what he was
the doctor of."

And I always try to get
that image out of my mind.

Of Julius Erving
working on my uncle's ass.

Hey, Dom, I-I-I
I wish you wouldn't

bring food into my office.

It's not fair to me,
or to the other patients.

Doc, you know I have
low blood sugar.

The reason I eat like this...

Is so that I won't get anxiety.

Mm-hmm.

You know... you want
half of this?

What is that?

Mmm, it's good.
Don't bite where I bit.

Why not?

W-what's wrong
with where you bit?

Because I'm gonna
cut out where you bit.

'Cause you got a thing

that looks like it's
happening on your lip.

I don't want it
happening on my lip.

Looks like a sore.

Here, taste that.

That is dee-licious.

Mmm, isn't it?

Yes, um, but you know what?

I guess, you're
allowed to eat, then.

As long as it's delicious.

Dom, look, you're getting
food on the couch,

you're getting food
on the floor,

y'know, this is...

Well, let's just finish this,

then we'll get back to work.
All right.

Ben!

Hey, Todd,

keep it down.

Ben!

You don't wanna
wake the customers.

I know, I never greet you
with any enthusiasm.

I just thought I should
start doing th... Ben!

It's like a spiritual...

Yeah.

You're doing, man.

Hey, Todd, uh...

Yes.

My dad is filling in
for this talk-radio show

on, uh, I think it's am 620.

I love talk radio.

Do you know, uh,
"Campbell's couch"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You do?

Is it "Campbell's couch,"
the, the...?

The therapist.

Yeah, that radio therapy,

over-the-phone
thing, yeah.

That's right,
you call in, you talk...

You call in.

Well, my dad's gonna do it.

Oh, that's a good
thing to do, man.

He should be proud
of that as a therapist.

Well, Campbell,
apparently, is...

A lot of people
listen to that show.

It's like therapy
without all the privacy.

Well, that's right,
'cause it's...

You're trying to help more
people than just the person...

Privacy always stops a person

from really letting their
problems pour out.

I'm saying, Campbell
provides a free service

to people who call in,

they don't have
to pay for therapy.

But, uh, I'm a little worried

that my dad is not gonna
get a lot of callers

'cause, y'know,
he's a fill-in.

It's like having
a substitute teacher,

y'know, nobody pays attention.

Yeah.

So, I'm soliciting
people to call.

Really?

On Friday.

So here's the number.

You want me to call on Friday?

Well, I wouldn't mind...
You know, yeah.

Yeah, but I...
What am I gonna call?

I got, you know, I'm normal.

I got nothin'.

Problem-wise, I got
nothing going on.

Really?

Nah, I don't have any problems.

Well, Todd, that is a problem.

Why don't you call?

Oh, I'm...
I'm gonna.

But I just want...

I want other people to call,

'cause I don't want
my dad to look dumb.

On the air, y'know...

How's he gonna look
if I call and go,

"hi, I'm normal, but your
son told me to call?"

Well, Todd, maybe if you
call up and say you're normal,

he could find out what's
really behind that.

Behind my normalcy?

Well, I don't think
you're normal.

Really?

Yeah.

I've had very few...
Especially as an adult,

I've had very few problems.

Really?

Just, you know,
a few childhood traumas,

but we don't need to
talk about them anymore.

Well, maybe you do,

maybe they still...
Still eatin' at ya.

What happened when
you were a child?

Y'know, there was a bad
birthday party when I was six.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

How bad?

My parents hired a clown
to entertain ten kids.

Ohh, one of those
bad clown stories

where the guy showed up drunk...

No, he was great.

'Til the heart att*ck.

All of us kids thought
it was part of the show.

We were still
dancing and singing

"Here we go 'round
the mulberry bush".

While my father
did CPR on the guy.

That's a pretty funny sight.

CPR on a clown.

I laugh about it now.

Dr. Katz?

Ben?

I think my man
is cheatin' on me.

Ben, I know what
you're trying to do...

Dr. Katz, stop
callin' me Ben.

My name is... Benna.

Okay, now is this your
husband, or your boyfriend?

It's my boyfriend.

He's s'posed to be
comin' home... every night.

But on three nights a week,

I don't know where he is.

Is this just...

This just three nights
out of the week?

You did not do well, dad.

Well, Ben, first of all, you can't
just call me out of the blue.

You gotta give me some warning.

Try it again, and, um...

Let's try it again.

So I have to call back,
or I can just...

No, call me...
Call me back.

Hello, is the caller there?

Dr. Katz?

What can I do for you?
This is Dr. Katz.

Sitting in for Carlton Campbell

on "Campbell's couch".

Jeez... that's great, dad.

That gets it off
on the right foot.

They like to know
who they're talking...

You should tell them right away,

"I'm filling in, I'm
not qualified at all."

Well, that's not...

That's only in your mind,
that suggestion.

You should just add that
you're not a therapist...

And you're not qualified,

you're just a friend
of Carlton's who...

I'm fixin' Carlton's couch.

"Happened to stop by,

and he wasn't here,
so I did the show."

So, Julie, what
I would like you to do

is to... try and...

Just to close your eyes,
get comfortable,

and try to think of your
earliest childhood memory.

My earliest childhood memory?

Yeah.

Okay, why don't we
shift gears and just...

Anything that
pops into your head.

You could talk about
your parents,

you could talk about your, uh...

I went to see my mother.

She's walking around
her house with a screw,

looking at everything
in the whole house.

And you have no idea why.

No, I followed her around,
and I'm like,

"What are you doing?"

She said, "Julie,

I think this has
fallen out of something."

Yeah.

So, being tall has always
been an issue for you.

I've always been...

I have always been really tall.

When I was in first grade
I was five feet tall.

The teachers had to always stop
the other little kids

from playing "Gulliver" with me
out on the playground.

"I can't help it, I'm a giant,

behemoth child."

I always wanted to be
a ballerina.

But I can't be a ballerina,

'cause they don't make
toe shoes in size eleven.

Well, they do,
but they call them "boots".

I go into shoe stores
all the time

and I'll say to them,

"I'd like this shoe
in a size 11."

They'll be in the back, wetting
themselves with laughter.

They'll come out,
"How 'bout a '5' and a '6',

we'll staple 'em
together?"

But y'know, he's a...
He does it on the air,

so it's a... he's sort of
crossed the lines

between therapy and
show business.

Ohh, and it's not
just entertainment,

these people are
really calling in

with their problems?

Well, it's pretty entertaining.

Doesn't that seem
a little strange?

That people would
call up and do that?

It does, but he asked me...

He has to go to a wedding,

and he asked me if
I would cover for him.

Ohh.

And, um... y'know,
I'll take calls...

Uh-huh.

So, ehh, but this is
new for you,

you're gonna, like,
solve people's problems,

like, on a... ten-minute
phone call, that's...

Well, I don't think anyone calls
up with that expectation.

Yeah.

What do they call for?

But, um, aside from that,

I would love it if you
guys would listen,

and if no one else
is calling in,

if you could just...

Call in and,
pretend to be, um...

You mean, call in like a...

Like a guy
with a problem, just...

Like a setup?

I don't know.

Well, because,
you know, I don't...

Otherwise there's just dead
airtime, and I have to talk.

You guys know what that's like.

Julie, why don't you
try placing one call?

Can you make things up?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Yeah.

Anything.

Is the caller there?

Uh, yeah, hi.

Hi, what can I do for you?

This is Dr. Katz,

sitting in for Dr. Campbell
on "Campbell's couch"

um, I feel a little
silly doing this, actually.

That's okay, everyone feels
silly the first time.

Well, I have this thing where

I'm sort of afraid
to go out of my house.

Mm-hmm...

Silly!

So, Laura, just give me
the cue and as soon as...

You give me the signal,
I will, uh...

Okay, well,
alright... ready?

Mm-hmm.

Go.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is
Dr. Jonathan Katz,

sitting in for Carlton Campbell.

I will be filling in
for Carlton tonight

and, uh, we'll be taking calls,

and the lines are open now,

and we're gonna be here
until 1:00 in the morning,

so call in, and, uh...
You can confide in me

the same way you
confide in Carlton.

We have the same
kind of training,

the same approach to therapy.

And also with me here tonight

is my wonderful
co-producer,

the very lovely and talented
young Laura.

Co-producer?

Laura, you're on the air.

How are you?

Fine.

Any calls coming in?

No.

Well, it's interesting
that you mention that.

Because that's one of the things

about the radio and phone calls.

I always wonder what happens
when no one calls in.

Well, you're livin' it.

I guess, my wondering days
are over.

But guess who's
living it with me?

Umm... me?

My charming co-host.

Co-host?

Yeah, all of our
phone lines are open,

so please call in...

All of them are open.

Anything you want to
talk about... we're open,

we're taking all calls,

uh, I am a professional
psychotherapist,

and I'll be taking calls

about any range
of emotional problems,

personal problems...

Dr. Katz, we got a...

We got our first call!

Oh, that's great!

Hello, is the caller there?

Yes, hello!

Yes!

Where's Dr. Campbell?

Dr. Campbell
is not here tonight,

can I help you?
This is Dr. Katz.

I'm sitting in
for Dr. Campbell.

What can I do for you tonight?

Yes, I'd like to speak
to Dr. Campbell.

Yeah, Dr. Campbell's
not here tonight.

Oh...

Uh, Dr. Campbell will be back
on Monday night.

Okay, bye-bye!

Oh, man.

I guess, he has a very loyal
following, Dr. Campbell.

Hi, "Campbell's couch"
with Dr. Katz.

What would you like
to talk about?

- Laura.
- Ben?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Listen, get me on.
I got a good one.

Ben, this isn't a joke,
this is a radio show.

We're trying to do a
show here... no, no, no.

I've been driving around
listening to the show,

it's a joke.

It's going okay.

No, you've had one call...

No, we've had a lot of calls.
Or two calls,

and they're all asking
for Dr. Campbell.

My dad is eating it.

Now let me get on there,
I can save this thing.

I don't think it's
a good idea, Ben.

Laura, I'm telling you...

You guys are in deep trouble.

All right!

Patch me in.

Dr. Katz.

Hi, is the caller there?

Your show sucks!

Ooof.

Um... wh-where
you calling from?

You suck!

'Cause it sounds
like you're s...

Oh, man!

I can barely understand
what you're saying,

but it sounds like... you suck!

Like you're not
enjoying the show.

Buh-bye!

Oh, okay... bye bye, you suck!

Folks, sometimes
when people call in,

th-they're angry,
they're hostile,

and sometimes it's just because

a lot of what they hear
is too painful.

Let me just apologize
to my listeners

for that rude interruption,
that happens sometimes.

Dr. Katz,
we got another call.

Is the caller there?

Hey, good show so far,
Dr. Katz.

Thank you very much, you know,
I'm new at this, so I...

No...

Okay, put another call through.

Yes, is the caller there?

Yes, I'm here, how ya doin'?

I'm okay.

What's your name, sir?

Name's Ben.

Ben, what can I
do for you tonight?

Um, I am,
uh... whew,

man, I'm winded.

Hey, dad.

Hello, Ben.

- How ya doin'?
- Good.

That's a huge window,

this whole thing is wide open.

You know there...
There is an elevator.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why did I take the stairs, then?

'Cause you didn't see
the elevator, I guess.

Whew, I just did
fourteen stories.

Did you see Laura out there?

Is this all on the air?

Yeah, we're on the air.

This is my son, Ben,
I'm talking to, folks.

Hey, everybody.

And this is not
exactly, uh, therapy.

'Cause it's not really
entertaining.

But it is live.
Umm...

Dr. Katz,
there's a real call.

It's not Ben.

'Cause I'm right here.

Okay, hi, this is Dr. Katz,
is the caller there?

It's me, actually.
I'm on the cell phone.

Oh.

Yeah.

But take it.
I mean, why not?

Gimme the phone.

- Sorry... dad?
- Yeah?

At this point, because
nobody's calling in,

maybe what we should do
is turn it around.

Maybe you should call out.

Oh, we call them.

Yes, as a twist.

Yeah, it doesn't really...

Doesn't really work
that way, Ben, in um...

I mean, it's totally
inappropriate,

but I think, um,
maybe not such a bad idea.

Okay, Laura, place a call...
See who's home.

Here's my book of patients.

Alright.

See if I can catch someone in.

Uh... hello?

Dom? Did I...
Did I wake you up?

Uh, no, no, that's all right,

I was just...

Lookin' at the back of my
eyes for about six hours.

First of all,
I hate to call you at home.

No, it's no problem, uh...

But you're on the air.

Who is this?

This is Dr. Katz,
and we're on the air, live.

My Dr. Katz?

That's right.

You're callin' me?

I'm calling you because
I'm hosting a radio show

called "Campbell's couch"

and, I thought
it would be interesting...

For the audience to hear
the voice of an actual patient.

And to hear
the sound of therapy,

and people...

Give 'em some of
the other sounds.

Because people who've never
experienced therapy...

You're gonna what!?!

Well... I learned

a very interesting
lesson tonight.

Well, dad, like...
You know what?

It's 1:00 A.M.,

and you've just had a bad
radio show for three hours,

it's late and
you're a little loopy.

That was the lesson I learned.

Yeah, you should do
a morning show.

I don't think that
I'm cut out to speak

into a microphone.

You know?

Well, you definitely shouldn't
be doing late-night radio.

Because, y'know,

I'm not good under
that kind of pressure,

being on the spot.

And some of these people
really needed help.

Laura, you were good.

Yeah, Laura,
you did a great job.

Thank you.

You have no...

Nothing to be ashamed of.

And Ben, you...

You kicked in nicely,
too, I thought.

Well, once I found the studio,

I think I really saved the show.

Right, Laura?

Well...

When do the ratings come out?

Check the papers tomorrow.

See if it's still on the air.

Yeah, well, there'll be
a big article about...

Your show, tomorrow.

I'd be curious to see how, um,

what's the guy
who's on after me?

Oh, uh, f-f-father O'Sullivan.
Father O'Sullivan.

Yeah, I'm curious to see
how he does tonight.

Yeah.

I wonder if he can follow
my show, y'know?

Maybe we should call
father O'Sullivan now.

Ask for forgiveness.

I hope that I haven't cheapened
what I do, in any way.

Oh, you definitely have.

Okay.

Let me hope for
something else, then.

I hope nobody got hurt.

I also went out
to the Grand Canyon,

which is a really good time,

except I wanted to take that
Brady Bunch burro ride

down to the bottom
of the canyon.

But I couldn't,

because there was a weight
requirement for the burro,

which I exceeded...

Which totally bummed me out.

That I flew 2,000 miles

and I'm too fat to ride
a beast of burden?

And I hate ventriloquists.

Mm-hmm.

I hate ven...

That is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen

a ventriloquist,

and you know what bothers me,
doc, that really get...

Is the people that
get mad at the dummy.

How stupid are they,
that they're like,

"Yeah, that dummy.

Boy, that dummy's
got a foul mouth."

And they watch the dummy,
and they go,

"The ventriloquist
seems like a nice guy,

couldn't he get
a nicer dummy?"

I mean, ventriloquists
never get women.

Never ever get women.

You never hear a woman goes,

"I went back to this ventriloquist's
house the other night,

and he had me on the bed,

and he had a Spanish voice
comin' out of my butt,

it was
incredible."

They disgust me.

You like 'em?

No, I-I don't really
enjoy ventriloquists.

I think...
I think, Dom...

And I have never
laughed at a clown.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

That's all right.

I'm just feelin' it today, doc.

I just feelin' it...
A lot of anger towards,

uh, performance artists.

You've never laughed at a clown.

I never laughed at a clown.

I don't think clowns are funny,

I don't know anybody who goes,

"Did you see that clown,
he was killin' me.

With that thing, with the horn,

and the pie,
boy is he funny."

Imagine the wife of a clown.

You're tryin' to hide yourself
in a new neighborhood,

you move in,
"What's your husband do?"

"I don't wanna
talk about it."

"No, what's he do?"

"He's an entertainer."

"What's he do?"

"Alright, he's a clown,
he's a friggin' clown!

You know what it's like ironing
those hoop pants every night?

You know what it's like rinsing
out that spongy red nose,

I can't get his shoes
under the bed, hardy har har?"

Oops, you know what
the music means, Dom.

We're gonna have to stop.

Our time is up.

We really need to, uh...
To wrap this up.

I'm just glad I have
a therapist that says, "oops."

- What's that?
- Oh...

Oh, hey, hey!

Works every week.

Yeah.