[WHIMPERING]
Go get them, Petey!
[BARKING]
Petey! What's up, pup?
BOY 1: Get it, Stymie, get it!
- BOY 2: Hey, man, where's your mitt?
- STYMIE: Don't worry about it.
BOY 2: All right! Good catch!
[BARKING]
Hello, Petey.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[HOARSELY] Be back later, Mom.
- Got anything, Porky?
- Not a bite, Buckwheat.
Hmm.
[GRUNTS]
- I got something! I got something!
- Me too! A big fat one!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Whoa!
[EXCLAIMING]
Whoa!
Whoa!
Yo, Petey, come here!
- Thanks, Petey!
- Whoa!
BUCKWHEAT: Hey Porky, look! A note.
PORKY: What's it say?
We got to learn to read.
[BARKING]
[BOYS SHOUTING]
FROGGY: You okay?
You're okay.
You're all right.
Go on in. You're okay.
Go on in.
What's the "Hi" sign?
Go on in.
You're okay.
Wrong sign, Porky.
Okay, go on in.
You're okay, Elmer.
[RAZZING]
BUTCH: You little creep.
Sit down.
Gentlemen and gentlemen, I give
you our president, Spanky.
[BOYS CHEERING]
BOY 1: Hi, Spanky!
[BOYS APPLAUDING]
BOY 2: How's it going, Spanky?
Nice to see ya, Spanky.
- BOY 3: Hey, Spanky, what's up?
- How are ya?
Good to see ya.
Your fly's undone.
- Welcome!
- All right, Spanky!
- BOY 4: Hey, Spanky!
- All raise your right hand.
Your other right hand.
- I...
- ALL: I...
- Stymie...
- Stymie...
member in good standing of the
He-Man Woman-Haters Club...
member in good standing of the
He-Man Woman-Haters Club...
do solemnly swear to be a He-Man and
hate women and not play with them,
or talk to them unless I have to,
and especially never fall in love.
And if I do, may I die slowly and
painfully and suffer for hours,
or until I scream bloody m*rder.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
do solemnly swear to be a He-Man...
[BOYS CHATTERING]
- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', Woim?
- Yeah, Butch.
What are we thinkin'?
How much fun it's gonna be to
stomp those guys in the race.
Painfully, and suffer for hours,
ALL: bloody m*rder!
- Ready to take down the minutes, Uh-Huh?
- Uh-huh.
As you know, today I called
an emergency meeting,
for a very important reason.
But first, any good stories?
- Me!
- Buckwheat.
Yeah! This morning my sister
left the toilet seat down.
[BOYS EXCLAIMING]
- Women make men miserable.
- Froggy.
[HOARSELY] Yeah, there's this girl
who moved in across the street,
and she came over 'cause
she wanted to play.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
- But don't worry, I got back at her.
- ALL: What'd you do?
- What'd you do?
- I whipped out my lizard.
Humph!
[ALL CHEERING] ALL: Yeah!
Good job, Frogman.
- Are you gettin' this, Uh-Huh?
- Uh-huh.
All right, men, let's talk
about the pride of our club,
the Blur.
The Blur has never been beaten,
since the beginning of time,
five years.
This Sunday, we defend our honor,
- our undefeated streak and our trophy.
- BOYS: Yeah.
Best of all, this year's trophy,
will be presented by
none other than the famous,
Indy race car driver,
A.J. Ferguson.
Wow! He's the best driver
in the whole world!
- Men, can I have an "Azuga"?
- BOYS: Azuga!
Azuga! Azuga! Azuga! Azuga!
- Hey, nice Azugas.
- BOYS: Yeah.
And now the reason
for the emergency meeting,
the choosing of the driver!
BOYS: Yeah!
Our driver should be
a man who's all He-Man.
A He-Man so manly,
that if he fell off a building,
he'd go out of his way
to land on a girl.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Gentlemen, this year,
our driver's name is,
[ALL GASP]
none other than my lifelong chum,
my best buddy
in the whole wide world,
the one and only Alfalfa!
- ALL: Yeah!
- Otay!
Say, where the heck is Alfalfa?
[SINGING] You are so beautiful
to me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
to me
SPANKY:
There he is, you guys! Come on!
BOY 1: He's with a girl.
Quiet, Petey.
- BOY 2: They're together.
- SPANKY: Oh, no!
This is awful.
Buckwheat, hand me
your fishin' pole.
Oh, Darla, we're two hearts
with but one b*at.
Two brains with but one thought.
Two souls with but one...
shoe.
Then how can you belong to
that silly Woman Haters Club?
You know, I'm a woman.
- Sort of.
- Let me tell you something, Darla.
I'm not like those guys.
I'm a sensitive male.
[BOYS EXCLAIM]
I'm into sharing, caring,
feeling and healing.
- I'm in touch with my feminine side.
- How nice.
It's worse than I thought.
You know Alfalfa, the big talent
show at the fair is coming up,
and I was sort of wondering if
maybe you'd like to sing with me.
You mean it? I'd be honored.
Hey, I've got an idea. Let me
take you on a picnic tomorrow.
- DARLA: Excuse me?
- The way you feed my soul,
I can...
feed your face.
Cool! And to prove
you're proud of me,
why don't we have our
picnic in your clubhouse?
No!
Tomorrow? Tomorrow?
Swimming day. Sure!
Oh, Alfalfa, you're a sweetie poo!
[BOYS GRUNT]
- All right, Woim, ready for the test run?
- Ready, Butch!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Look! There goes our bumper!
All this work for nothing.
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Everything's working out perfectly.
The guys are at the swimming hole,
and I'm at home with a toothache.
Nothing can possibly go wrong.
[BOYS SCREAMING]
- Hiya, Butch.
- Shut up!
When's the last time
we b*at you up?
Let's see. Today's the 10th.
Thirty days has September,
April, June and November.
It's not a leap year.
- Yesterday.
- You're due!
Look!
- I don't see nothing!
- Come on, you doink!
Let's go! He can't run very fast.
- Come back here, you ugly little squid!
- No!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
[PANTING]
I've come a-courtin'.
These are for you.
[BARKING]
[SCREAMING]
Fifi!
Good doggie.
I hope Fifi didn't startle
you, she's so playful.
Forgive my effrontery,
but you, miss, are a rare rose
in a garden of weeds.
You have the sophistication
of a woman of 12.
[GASPS]
My name is Waldo Aloysius Johnston III
- I'm Alfalfa!
- Yes, I'm sure you are.
- And I'm Darla.
- We just moved into town.
My father bought the oil refinery.
- That explains why you're so refined.
- Yeah, and so oily!
Watch it, bud.
I hope to see you again soon.
That could be arranged. I'll be
appearing in the talent show coming up.
Yeah, the two of us,
we'll both be singing
a duet, together.
- How redundant.
- Thank you.
Well, I shall be going now.
Whoa!
What a hunk!
He's smoother than a baby's bottom.
JANE: And he smells better too!
Oh, you're so nice
for bringing me here.
- I can't see, I can't see.
- Move over.
A candlelit lunch! I'm dazzled.
[FARTING NOISE]
Excuse me.
I seem to have a little fahrvergnugen.
DARLA: No problem.
- Grape soda?
- Yes, please.
To us.
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
This tastes like somebody
poured it through a old boot.
Actually, it's a sneaker.
Must have been a bad year.
Maybe we should
strap on the old feed bag.
- DARLA: Which sandwich did I bring?
- This one.
Why don't we swap?
What's yours is mine,
what's mine is ours.
You know just what to say
to take a girl's breath away.
This'll take her breath away.
[WHIMPERING]
Porky, you sure know
how to make a "sand... wich."
That wasn't sand,
that was kitty litter.
Don't worry, it's pretty fresh.
[SNICKERING]
- You made a delicious sandwich.
- So did you.
Very crunchy.
Maybe we should move on to dessert.
It's a surprise.
It's beautiful!
I had to eat six boxes
of cr*cker Jacks to find it.
It's a symbol of
my undying affliction for you.
I love diamonds!
[EXCLAIMS]
I was wrong about you, Alfalfa.
You're not embarrassed
by the woman you love.
Darla,
would you think me forward
if I asked you for a...
a big wet one?
- What?
- A kiss?
Okay.
[GASPING]
Oh, man! Gross!
I can't take it anymore.
Get outta there!
Open up!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Why, thank you, Alfalfa.
Open up!
In my hurry to eat,
I forgot to give you the tour.
Here's the wall,
here's the other wall and...
here's our closet.
- Have you lost your mind?
- Do you wanna go in there?
- Just as I thought, you are ashamed of me.
- I'm not ashamed of you.
- I'm proud of you.
- BOY 1: Open up!
I just don't want anybody
to see you.
- Well, that does it, mister. I'm out of here!
- BOY 2: One, two,
three!
BOY 3: It's about time.
Hiya, guys! You're back early.
How's the toothache, bub?
- Yeah!
- Dentist pulled my wisdom teeth.
So that explains why
you're acting so stupid.
Well, we're going
inside the clubhouse...
No, you're not! It's such a
nice day outside, isn't it?
Nothing's going on in there.
- Hey, what's that noise?
- Whoa!
[GASPS]
Darla!
- BOY 1: What's the matter?
- BOY 2: Fire! Fire!
- You two, call the fire department.
- Yes, sir!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SIREN WAILING]
BOY 1: Ready, fire!
We're gonna need some more help.
Get more people.
BOY 2: Fire!
[BOYS CLAMORING]
BOY 3: Put some more in the bucket.
[BOYS CLAMORING]
Quick! What's the number for 911?
How do I know?
Let's go!
OPERA TOR: If you'd like to make a
call, please hang up and try again.
Here's the hose.
Turn it on when I tell you.
[BELL RINGING]
Spanky, over here!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Faster! Go even faster!
Wow! That is fast.
Hey, b*at it, pal!
Stymie, let 'er rip!
Whoa!
- Wow!
- Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
I'm never going to speak
to you as long as I live.
Tell him when he comes to, guys.
Goodbye! Excuse me!
WALDO: Hi, Darla.
I thought that was you.
- Bye!
- How about a ride in my father's Bentley?
And then, over a Belgian croissant,
we might talk about performing
in the talent show together.
Sounds great!
I had a hard day.
SPANKY:
The clubhouse is fried crispy.
Our lives are over.
And it's all your fault!
[EXCLAIMS]
- BOY 1: That's right.
- BOY 2: It sure is.
FROGGY: All rise for Judge Spanky.
- BOY 3: I think Spanky's going to find him guilty.
- BOY 4: Big time.
- How do you plead?
- Like this.
Please, oh, please,
have mercy, please!
Hmm! Pretty good pleading.
Would you like to make a statement?
Just that,
I never knew likin' a girl
could lead to all this.
I let my pals down,
I let the club down,
and I let my best friend down.
Alfalfa Switzer,
I hereby sentence you
to execution... at dawn!
- Yes!
- Uh-huh!
[EXCLAIMS]
Your Honor, may I suggest, this
court rules he be put on probation.
As terms of the probation,
he alone will be responsible
for guarding the go-cart.
Day and night.
[GAVEL THUDDING]
- Court agrees.
- BOYS: Yeah.
Do you mean you want me
to spend the night here?
All alone? Out in the open?
What about the wild dingoes?
- BOY: Too bad.
- Deal with it.
As another term of his probation,
that he may never again talk to, see
or even think about Darla, or else...
[SNARLS]
BOY: Yeah!
And I'm makin' it my own personal
business to see that you don't.
BOY: Yeah! All right!
Oh!
You are so beautiful to me.
DARLA: I love you, Alfalfa.
I want to die in your arms.
- You do?
- Of course, not right away.
- BOYS: March! March!
- I'm off to join Sir Spankus.
How's the toothache, bub?
But you're my boy-toy!
I won't let you go!
You must choose between us.
- Yeah, you must choose between us.
- Sir Alfalfa, haul butt!
Maybe this will help you
make up your mind.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SNARLING]
- Tell me you'll never leave me.
- I'll never leave you.
That's it, traitor! We must slay
you before your forbidden love
destroys our manly bond.
BOYS: Choose or die! Choose or die!
Choose or die! Choose or die!
[SHUDDERING]
[SCREAMING]
[BOYS LAUGHING]
Ease up, pal. It's just us.
- We came to keep you company.
- BOY 1: Yeah.
BOY 2: Yeah.
Well, why am I soaking wet?
Don't worry, Alfalfa. I used
to have the same problem.
[BOYS LAUGHING]
There's just a hole in the tent.
[BOYS LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
[ALL SHRIEKING]
You're not thinking
about Darla, are ya?
- No, of course not.
- Good!
I wonder if she's
not thinking of me too.
Why are boys such jerks?
You're not thinking
about Alfalfa, are you?
Oh, no, no, no, no way!
BOTH: Are you sure?
Babes are like a bad song.
Once you get them stuck in your
head, you can't get them out again.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Yeah, that's right.
[ALL SHRIEKING]
- Why do they have to be so...
- Different?
[EXCLAIMS]
Girls get along with each other.
Boys stand up for themselves.
- Girls care.
- Boys take what's theirs.
Boys won't listen.
All they wanna do is talk.
- BOTH: They like to moon ya.
- No, we don't!
[ALL SCREAMING]
- Gigglin' and gossipin'.
- Fighting and farting!
- Barbie's and bracelets.
- BOTH: Boogers and bugs!
- Ice skating.
- Bungee jumping.
Synchronized swimming.
[ALL LAUGHING]
And try to get 'em to sit still.
GIRLS: Boys...
[ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST]
BOYS: Girls...
[ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST]
And the worst thing of all...
- BOYS: They smell...
- GIRLS: Weird!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Howdy, mister.
Me and my buddies
have to build a new clubhouse.
We need to buy some lumber.
- What kind?
- Wood!
We took up a collection.
Get us all the wood you can
for this much, please.
Paper or plastic?
$450 for lumber?
Where are we gonna get
that kind of moola?
I don't know. You know what they say,
wood doesn't grow on trees.
Hey, you guys, come here!
All in favor say,
"Yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy!"
ALL: Yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy...
BOY: Thank you, my good man.
Six kids, hardworking father,
honest and trustworthy.
Loan denied.
Hello, my good man.
Gentlemen, have a seat.
- [WHISPERING] Can we sit down?
- Are you kidding?
We can't sit down, my good man.
- What may I do for you?
- We want to take out a hefty loan.
Of course, of course. Do you
have an account with us?
And how!
And what is your account...
- number?
- Seven.
Seven?
Seven...?
- Try eight?
- Eight?
Heard enough.
Ouch!
If you were my kids,
I'd punish you!
If we were your kids,
we'd punish ourselves!
Leave the premises posthaste!
You can't treat people
this way, mister.
You're not people.
You're kids.
- Thank you.
- Good luck.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
She loves me!
You guys don't know
what you're talking about.
I have to see her!
But that's a violation
of your probation.
I know! I'll write a message,
and you two can take it to her.
Wait a second!
We're He-Man Woman Haters.
We can't deliver love notes.
Love note? No!
This is gonna be a hate note.
- Sounds good to me!
- Sounds good to me!
Dear Darla,
I hate your stinkin' guts!
You make me vomit.
[EXCLAIMS]
You're scum between my toes.
Love, Alfalfa.
BOTH: Otay!
What's up, guys?
Buckwheat, where's the note?
Note, note.
I know I got it here somewhere.
- Come on, guys.
- We'll find it.
I'm waiting.
[BLOWS NOSE]
I know! I gave it to you.
Uh-oh!
- What's going on?
- Sorry.
It's otay. I remember what it said.
"Dear Darla,
"I hate your stinking guts.
[GASPS]
"You make me vomit.
"You are scum between my toes.
[GRUNTS]
"Love, Alfalfa."
[GASPS]
[GRUNTING]
BOTH: Whoa!
Well, yeah... but was she upset?
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Oh! I have to go to her house
and explain what happened.
Forget it, pal!
Number one, she's not home
'cause she has a ballet recital.
Number two...
What was number two?
[WHISPERING]
No! Not that!
The other number two.
Spanky said
you couldn't talk to her.
What? I can talk
to Darla any time I want.
Spanky's not the boss of me!
Hiya, pal!
Oh, no!
Trust me, this is
for your own good.
After you dump her,
you'll feel like a new man.
But, I like the feel
of the old man.
Hello. Hello, enjoy the show.
Who are you with?
I'm with him,
and we need to talk to Darla.
I'm afraid that's out of the
question, she's about to go onstage.
Now clear the door. Go on.
Too bad. Well, let's go!
Hold it, partner. We're waiting
right here till Darla comes out.
Oh, man!
Whoops!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
This'll be like stealing candy
from a baby.
Oh, boy.
Come on.
[BOTH SNORING]
[QUACKING]
Hey, look! A dollar!
Ducky, ducky!
Yoo-hoo, Mister Ducky,
ducky! Ducky!
Ducky! Ducky, ducky!
Ducky! Come here, ducky!
- Ducky!
- Nothing beats a buck and a duck.
Hey, you dumb duck, wait up!
What's this?
[SCREAMS]
[SINGING]
We got a dollar, we got a dollar
We got a dollar.
Hey, hey, hey, hey
We got a dollar, we got a dollar
We got a dollar.
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I'm bored.
Ta-da!
Gee, thanks!
[GASPS]
Butch and Woim! Put that thing
in your pocket and let's bail!
Hey, there they are.
[GIRLS SCREAMING] Whoops!
[GIRLS SCREAMING] Whoops!
Let's go!
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
BOTH: Whoops!
[GIRL SCREAMING] Whoops!
Shh...
Hiya, big boys!
Woof, woof!
- Ditto!
- Say,
you two chicklets see a couple
of ugly mugs who ran in here?
You mean, besides you?
I think they went in there.
Thanks, doll face.
Bye.
One, two, three!
[GASPS]
What are you doing?
You two do not belong here.
I shall escort you to the door.
[BOYS SCREAMING]
Stop this! Please,
you're hurting me!
- Let go of me!
- SPANKY: This tutu's k*lling me.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
[GASPS]
- Hi.
- Hi!
Are you a fairy?
- No!
- Uh-uh!
- You know, a Sugar Plum Fairy.
- Oh, well, yes, of course.
[FROG CROAKS]
- What's the matter?
- Oh, she must have a frog in her throat.
I'm so nervous I'm sweating like a pig.
It must be... the recital.
Come here.
- Here's my hanky.
- Gee, thanks!
No, that's all right. You keep it.
I'm nervous too.
Waldo's gonna be here.
Waldo's Darla's boyfriend.
- Do you have boyfriends?
- BOTH: No!
No, no, of course not.
But there is one boy I'd
really love to get to know.
His name is Alfalfa.
- What a physique!
- Are you crazy?
I used to know Alfalfa. He took
the best years of my life.
Same here! That ugly scud
led me on as if he cared,
then dropped me like a hot tamale.
Plus, you know what?
- GIRLS: No, what?
- I hear he dresses in girl's clothes.
[ALL GASP]
I don't miss him at all, except...
his voice.
When he sings, he makes me melt like
a Popsicle on the Fourth of July.
He is awfully romantical.
Well, it was lovely chatting,
but we really gotta go.
Bye!
All right, girls, it's time
to take your positions!
[GIRLS CHATTERING] It's show time!
Come on now, girls.
[WHISPERING]
Hey Spanky, what are we doing?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
And now scenes from The Nutcracker.
[FROG CROAKS]
[THE NUTCRACKER PLAYING]
And two and three.
[CROAKING]
Get rid of it.
[GASPING]
[EXCLAIMING]
- Come here, hold my hand.
- SPANKY: Are you nuts?
[FROG CROAKING]
[SHUDDERING]
[WHISPERING] Get off!
Get!
Oh!
Let's get outta here!
Good thing
I finally caught that frog.
Yeah, now all you got
to worry about is warts.
[SCREAMING]
Whoo!
You ruined
my recital! Where's... Oh!
Come on out of there, young lady.
I wouldn't open that, if I was you.
Oh!
Well, this is a professional
school of ballet.
Now get out and do not come back.
[CROAKING]
[GASPS]
I'll distract them
while you make a getaway.
- Thanks, Spanky. You sure are a pal.
- Think nothin' of it.
Hello again, you stud muffins.
Going my way?
Gee, we'd love to,
but we're waiting around,
to b*at the shorts
off a couple of twerps.
Your loss, baby.
[SCATTING]
Got a burger to go with that shake?
Aaah!
That's him!
Come back here,
you ugly little freak!
And stay out!
[PANTING]
Things couldn't possibly
get any worse.
Oh! Then the clouds
opened up and God said,
"I hate you, Alfalfa."
Nice tan. Any last words?
Yeah. Uh, see ya!
[ALFALFA SCREAMING]
Hey!
WOMAN: No, you don't!
[GROANS]
I'll let myself out.
Thank you.
MAID: Well, you'd better.
[GRUNTS]
He lucked out!
[BARKING]
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Alfalfa!
This is a side of you
I've never seen before.
Darla!
Darla, there's a perfectly
logical explanation for this.
[DOG BARKING]
Which I'll make up later.
[ALFALFA SCREAMING]
- Do you like pickles?
- I think they stink.
I love pickles.
- My mother makes me eat 'em.
- I'm crazy about 'em.
I'll sell you my pickle for a nickel.
How about two cents?
Otay.
[SINGING] I have two pickles,
I have two pickles
I have two pickles today Hey, hey
[SCATTING]
Because I get two pickles today
Today
- Rough day?
- Don't ask.
Are these kosher?
BOYS: We are He-Man Woman Haters.
We feed girls to alligators.
The clubhouse
b*rned down mighty low.
But we got a plan
to make some dough.
Left, right, left, right.
Looking good. This is
gonna be a piece of cake.
Spanky, me and Porky got an idea.
Keep it. You might need
it when you grow up.
Otay.
Hey, maybe this will work.
Let's go.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Boys and girls!
Enter if you dare!
See the weird freak of nature!
- Even science can't explain it!
- It's a really good show!
Step right up and witness
this hideous mutant!
- Amazing! Incredible!
- Come on, everybody!
Four foot man-eating chicken!
Hey folks, we need
to make some money!
Give me a quarter!
Five dollars! Anything!
We need to build a new clubhouse!
Just hurry, hurry, hurry!
People, people!
We need your money!
You there, kid!
Wanna come in?
At least people are ridin' the rides.
STYMIE: Please go in.
[PENCIL SCRATCHING]
ALFALFA: I will not think of Darla.
I will not think of Darla!
I will not think of Darla.
[SIGHS]
Maybe Spanky's right.
Maybe I should
just forget about love.
Dang, I'm outta paper.
No, not that kind of paper!
Thanks, Petey.
[EXCLAIMS]
Skunked by that sleazy
sidewinder Spanky!
It's his fault Darla hates me!
Hop in, Petey! Sit!
Come on, Spanky. So things
didn't quite pan out.
"Didn't quite pan out"? We have
less money than when we came!
STYMIE: I thought the talent
show was supposed to be free.
[GASPS]
- STYMIE: Look at all that money!
- What's goin' on?
We just put up the sign and
people started paying us.
Buckwheat, Porky, you're geniuses.
BOTH: Thanks!
Look, how about if I take over
and give you guys a break?
BOTH: Otay!
Money, money.
MISS CRABTREE: Spanky McFarland!
Miss Crabtree!
I would expect this from a
four-year-old, but not from you!
Spanky, tricking people
out of their money is wrong.
It's just like cheating
on your homework.
- But I...
- What are we to do with all this money?
We can't give it back
to these people one by one.
Miss Crabtree, I got a suggestion.
What we could do is...
Interesting.
Intriguing.
I love it.
[SNICKERING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
MAN; Whoo! Nice suit, kid!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SINGING]
"L" is for the way you look at me
"O" is for the only one I see
"V" is very, very extraordinary
Now, "E" is even more
than anyone that you adore
And love
is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a
game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart
but please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
Dang.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Miss Crabtree, do you got
room for just one more act?
I think we could squeeze you in.
- Thanks, Miss Crabtree!
- You're welcome.
Well fellas, the president
saved your bacon.
I convinced Miss Crabtree to
use the money as first prize
in the Go-Cart Derby.
[ALL CHEERING]
Just think, in three days,
the money's ours.
Everything else
may have gone wrong,
but there's no way
we can lose the race.
Yeah!
- The Blur belongs to Butch.
- And Woim.
Well, if it isn't Falafel.
- Alfalfa!
- Whatever.
I hope you didn't miss
my duet with Darla.
You call that a duet?
It was stupendous.
She wasn't bad either.
[SINGING]
Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin
What on Earth are you doing?
I'm warmin' up my vocalizer.
I'm about to win Darla back
through song.
[SINGING]
I'm the barber of Seville...
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro...
Don't you get it?
Darla can't stand you.
Alfalfa, you're on.
Darla will love me
after I sing to her.
Darla can't resist my voice.
She said so herself.
Come on, dear.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
This is a song
about a tragic romance.
I once fell in love with a girl,
and through schemes and
betrayals by my best friend,
she came to think
I was nothing more
than a He-Man Woman Hater.
But I'm a woman-lover!
So let me raise a toast
to the girl I love most,
in the whole world.
Please don't say my name.
Please don't say my name.
Darla.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SINGING] If I could make a wish
[SNARLING] I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep...
I'm gonna put that fool
out of his misery!
No lights, no sound
Nothing to eat, no books to read
Sometimes
All I need is the air
that I breathe
And to love you
Whoa!
All I need is the air
that I breathe
Yes, to love you
All I need is the air
that I breathe
And to love you
Oh, I hate you, Alfalfa.
Dang!
[SNICKERS]
- SPANKY: Hey!
- Well, hello, Mr. Bubbles!
That was the most
disgusting display
of she-man woman-loving
I've ever seen!
Don't talk to me,
you Benedict Arnold!
You, you Judas Priest!
This is all your fault!
- All my fault?
- You torched the clubhouse.
And it's all my fault?
Say, you're supposed to be guarding
the go-cart, you Muzak-warbling wimp!
Relax, you double-crossing
mud-muncher!
I parked it right over there!
It was right here!
- Well, where is it?
- Boy, you're messing up left and right!
That's it, you sissified
tweety-bird!
- I wish I had a club to throw you out of!
- BOY: Me too!
Well, you sewage-swigging slime ball,
[GASPING]
if there still was a club, I'd quit!
- Good!
- Humph!
- What a wimp.
- Yeah.
[PARTS]
[BOYS LAUGHING]
[WHIMPERING]
Why don't go make up
with him, Alfalfa?
You guys have been friends
since you were one.
He started it!
And you should finish it.
You're a team, like Bert and Ernie.
Superman and Clark Kent,
Milli and Vanilli.
At least go talk to him.
What could it cost?
You mean, besides
my dignity and pride?
All I know is,
you only make
a once-in-a-lifetime buddy,
once in a lifetime.
- Is Spanky home?
- I'm sorry, Alfalfa. Spanky isn't here.
I'm sorry, Spanky.
Alfalfa's not here.
- Darn!
- Darn!
SPANKY:
I thought I'd find you here.
I'm sorry I called you a
double-crossing mud-muncher,
and a sewage-swigging slime ball.
I'm sorry I called you
a sissified tweety-bird,
and a Muzak-warbling wimp.
I'm sorry I called you
a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.
You didn't call me
a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.
Oh. I guess I was just thinking it.
I'm sorry about the fire.
I'm sorry about messing up
your picnic lunch with Darla.
Maybe I'm sort of responsible
for the fire too, a little.
You know, Spanky, I like girls.
It might even get worse
as I get older.
I know you like girls, 'Falf.
The problem is, rules is rules.
But is woman-hating
the important thing?
I mean, couldn't we be a club
'cause we like something?
Hmm.
sh**t! Without a clubhouse,
we don't have a club.
Hey! You guys b*rned down
a clubhouse, not a club!
A club is buddies who stick
together, no matter what!
Uh-huh!
[BOYS SHOUTING]
I just wish we could still
enter the Go-Cart Derby.
But it's impossible.
Who says it's impossible?
Every one of us,
working together...
Pal, that's all
the possible we need!
[BOYS CHEERING]
[BOYS CLAMORING]
We need a hammer.
And nails.
A motor.
We need a battery and a chassis,
four axles and a wheel belt.
Somebody get a supercharger.
Go get it, guys!
Here, Petey.
- Screwdriver.
- Screwdriver.
- Ratchet.
- Ratchet!
Hey, Uh-Huh,
does it stink in there?
Uh-huh!
Monkey wrench!
Ta-dum!
Do us proud, buddy.
You betcha!
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Hey, everybody! Don't forget!
Following the Go-Cart Derby, there
will be a tiny tot bunny race at 3:30.
Entrants must be five years
and under. See you there!
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
welcome to the 73rd Annual
Go-Cart Derby!
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Hey, guys, get in your cars!
We're ready to start!
You there, the kid in the blue.
Stop horsing around.
You're gonna break your neck.
How we gonna b*at that?
It looks like the Blur
with a new paint job!
[GRUNTS]
[SINGING] We're going to the race
We're goin' to win first place
And you have an ugly face
[EXCLAIMING]
[DIALING PHONE]
Hi, Dad, it's me.
You're gonna be so proud of me.
I'm gonna win this race.
Waldo, you're the best son
money can buy.
Thanks, Dad.
I don't have an ugly face.
You have an ugly face!
You have an ugly face!
- You have an ugly face!
- Your mother has an ugly face!
Now the race course
is marked with arrows,
and it ends right back here
where it started from.
Oh, great!
- This is the prize money for the winner.
- Okay.
It's just about $500.
- Just say it's from an anonymous donor.
- You got it.
Waldo, hurry up. We're late!
Oh, please. We're making an entrance.
Just sit back, relax and
leave everything to moi.
[SIGHS]
I wonder where A.J. Ferguson is.
I don't know, but I can't wait to meet him.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Okay guys, this is it.
Fasten your seat belts.
Well, well. Mr. Johnston.
Nice of you to join us.
The last car
is finally in position.
Well, if it isn't Waldo.
All the money in the world is no
substitute for hard work and ingenuity.
You lead a rich fantasy life.
Thank you.
- Moron.
- What are you doing with that?
It's Darla's handkerchief. All
great knights ride into battle,
wearing the colors
of their lady fair.
I'm not hearing this.
I'm not hearing this.
Hey, look! My mom's here!
Whoopee.
The first racer to cross
the finish line will receive,
this genuine, gold-plated, cubic
zirconium-encrusted trophy!
As well as the prize of $500!
[ALL CHEERING]
Go! Go!
Gentlemen, start your engines!
[ENGINES REVVING]
MALE ANNOUNCER:
All right, ready. Steady.
One, two, three, go!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah! Whoo!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
String 'em, Woim!
- Ah! Ah!
- Oh, no!
[BOY SCREAMING]
- All right!
- Yeah!
[WHOOPING]
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
You snotwads stole our racer!
Finders keepers, losers suck!
Ah, bite me!
Waldo, I think we have to turn here!
WALDO:
Girls have no sense of direction.
DARLA: You know, you're
starting to get on my nerves.
Huh? Uh-Oh!
Oh!
[SCREAMS]
BOY: Watch out!
Get out of the way!
Coming through!
- Excuse us!
- Move!
- You little rascals!
- Sorry!
[BOYS WHOOPING]
It's time to lose these losers.
Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed!
- They're gettin' away!
- Hold on to your beanie!
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
Activate rocket boosters!
You idiot! You put them in backwards!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[BOTH WHOOPING]
These two again?
I really hate to do this.
Huh?
Yikes! Spikes!
[BOYS SCREAMING]
Hey! You could've k*lled them!
Just forget about that
soap-sucking nincompoop!
So you're responsible for the
bubbles at the talent show!
Pull over right now! I'm not
finishing this race with you!
You got it, babe.
Now get out.
Where in tarnation are we?
Look! We're back in the race!
ALFALFA: Hey, pretty good shortcut!
Hey, how'd they get here?
Don't worry. This'll fix 'em!
- BOTH: Yeah!
- What's that?
[SCREAMING]
We can't see!
SPANKY: Where are we? Help!
- What's going on?
- I can't see!
[COUGHING]
My eyes! I can't see!
Hey, mind your own
business, rich boy!
What a guy! Thanks, pal!
[GRUNTING]
Grab the wheel!
Are you crazy or something?
We got a finish line to cross!
- Not without this!
- You're nuts!
- Whoa!
- SPANKY: Watch out! You're gonna fall!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
ALFALFA:
I'm gonna fall off! Hold my feet!
SPANKY:
Hold on! We're almost there!
Winner by a hair! Yes!
[ALL CHEERING]
You did it, Alfalfa!
You won!
We did it! All Of us!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Gentlemen,
let's give Alfalfa a big,
"Spoley-oley!"
BOYS: Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley!
Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley!
- Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley!
- Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
It ain't right!
We go through all the trouble
of stealing your racer,
and you still win!
Better brace yourself, because now
I'm really gonna kick your butt!
I'm usually a lover, not a fighter
but in your case I'm willing
to make an exception.
Pig puckey!
[SCREAMS]
Allow me!
- Looking good, man.
- BOYS: Yeah!
Hey, there's the guy who
risked his neck for us!
I got to admit, he turned out
to be pretty okay, darn it.
Put it there, pal.
You're quite a guy.
Us machismo types have a club,
the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
Alfalfa, I'm extending
a membership offer here.
- Now, what is it?
- That's not Waldo!
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
Then who's this guy
who saved our butts?
Hi, guys. What's up?
A girl! Oh!
Well, don't that b*at all.
Spanky!
And now it gives me great pleasure
to present this beautiful trophy,
and the prize money,
to Alfalfa Switzer and
Spanky McFarland.
[ALL CHEERING]
Is that a cowlick, or are
you just glad to see me?
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
Ah, the strong, silent type, eh?
Don't take this personal, lady,
but my pal's real disappointed.
Oh! What's the matter, sugar pie?
Well, we were just
kinda hopin' that,
A.J. Ferguson was
going to give us the trophy.
Well, boys, today's your lucky day.
'Cause that's exactly who I am!
[GASPS]
You're the best driver there is!
Well, thank you very much!
You didn't do so bad yourself!
[BOYS GASP]
Say, let's even things up.
How about one on this side?
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
There you go!
[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]
What a great race!
I saw what you did to
save my hanky, Alfalfa.
That was very heartwarming.
And awfully romantical.
Gee, thanks, but I
thought you hated me.
I don't hate you. It's just
sometimes you do mean things,
like playing tricks
on me at our picnic.
I can explain that.
It was me who wrecked
your picnic with Alfalfa.
You see, I thought you was
trying to steal my best friend.
I thought you were trying
to sabotage our club.
But I think I was wrong.
I'm sorry, you guys.
My Alfalfinator!
My delectable Darlooney!
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
- So, do you live around here?
- Yeah.
Do you like dolls?
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
I do!
Cool.
[CHATTERING]
SPANKY: Say!
Have we betrayed our forefathers?
Have we trampled on the generations
of honest woman-haters,
who came before us?
Uh-uh.
[ALL GASP]
Hey, everybody!
Uh-Huh's learned a new word!
Actually, I've always had a
rather extensive vocabulary,
not to mention a phenomenal
grasp of grammar
and a superlative
command of syntax.
I simply chose not to employ them.
[BARKS]
ALL: Otay!
Well, I guess things just
have to change sometimes.
[WHIMPERING]
[WHISPERING] What's my line?
[EXCLAIMING]
- Hmm?
- What?
- WOMAN: Let's start over again.
- [HICCUPING] I don't want to!
- You don't want to?
- No.
- You got the hiccups?
- Yes.
Okay, cut.
- I used to have this...
- WOMAN: Don't worry.
I forgot the word!
WOMAN: What are you doing?
[MIMICKING WOODY WOODPECKER]
Hmm!
Oh!
What a relief!
- Yuck!
- Ooh!
Allow me to introduce myself.
- What an idiot.
- Watch it, bud.
You have the most, and...
WOMAN:
Don't look at the camera, sweetie.
Honey, don't look at the camera.
Don't look at the camera.
Don't look at the camera.
Brittany, stop looking
at the camera, please.
Brittany!
I winded my ear up.
Now the race course is
marked off with arrows.
And it'll start right...
And it'll end.
Thank you. And it will end.
Paper or plastic?
And it will end, and it ends.
It ends. Right. I knew
I'd find it somewhere.
That is bad popcorn.
[GASPS]
Cut.
[STUTTERING] You'll tell me when...
We're not going yet... Okay.
Now the race course
is marked off with arrows.
And it ends right back here
where it started from.
- MAN 1: And cut.
- MAN 2: Cutting.
I finally got that sucker.
BOTH: Otay!
Little Rascals, The (1994)
Moderator: Maskath3