02x04 - Not Polite Yet

[bunniefuu]

[Laughter]

Why is the office so mellow today?

Huh. Add kombucha on tap,
and we might be at Google.

Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes

is at a global leadership
conference in the Netherlands.

Ooh! I'm picturing
Skarsgards everywhere,

- and I want to be there.
- Yum.

Uh, that's Sweden, but, you know, same.

- [Slurping]
- My dear, never slurp.

It gives men the wrong idea.

Oh, Nell, did you get that
obituary assignment,

- Mary Sue Manners?
- Sure did.

The public access lady

that had the etiquette show
for like 40 years?

"Manners Matter with Mary Sue Manners."

Poor old broad
choked to death on crudité.

Have fun writing that one.

- "Old broad"?
- Everyone, stop relaxing!

I just hung up
with my father's hologram.

And effective immediately,
we will be merging

the two floors of the newsroom into one.

So pop a breath mint
and get ready to say hello

to your new office-mates.

As you know, my father
is attending a conference

about the Dutch productivity
philosophy uitmuntendheid.

It's a three-pronged approach...
a livable wage,

- solid benefits, and an intimate office.
- [Staff murmur]

Father was offended by the first two,

but I thought the third one
sounded kind of fun.

So scooch over, everybody!

Mason has the new seating assignments,

and you can slip your thank-you
notes under my office door.

Enjoy!



♪

SAM: It's weird
but kind of exciting, right?

Like meeting your roommate
on the first day of college.

Oh, my roommate in college
ate my blanket. She ate it.

- So it can't be worse than that. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Nell, you'll be sharing
your disgusting cubicle with...

TJ Silva. You might wanna
clean up the ants

and stick a Febreeze somewhere. [Sniffs]

TJ Silva, the sports writer?

He started here right before
you left for England.

He's literally the nicest guy
in the office.

Maybe I will freshen up my space.

Ah, that's a wonderful idea.

You know, a hostess
should always provide

a pleasant environment for her guests.

Do you have any soaps
shaped like shellfish

or fun aquatic creatures?

Hey! Hey, B-dawg!
Haven't seen you in a minute.

Derrick, still can't believe
you got today's Wordle in two.

- Who does that?
- DERRICK: If you got it, you got it.

Cheryl, how is your cat
doing with the Prozac?

I stopped using Band-Aids.

Well, give Peaches
a little belly rub for me.

Aww, he's got nicknames for everyone,

and he cares about animal mental health.

And he doesn't eat blankets.

- That I know of. Good luck!
- Mm-hmm.

MAN: Later, TJ.

- Hi, I'm Nell.
- TJ: Mm-hmm.

Welcome to our cubicle.

I mean, they're all the same, but...

[Quietly] ...this one's the best.

- Cool.
- Feel free to use, you know,

anything of mine...
pens, post-its, my thesaurus.

I'm very solicitous.

Hey, String Cheese! What's up?

- [Laughs] It's my favorite snack!
- [Laughs]

[Laughing] Yeah, it is.

Ooh. I see what you have on your hands.

I call this the difficult guest.

I addressed that in an episode
entitled "The Difficult Guest."

What did you do?

I found the flower that grew
in his childhood garden,

and I presented it on his table setting

when he sat down to dinner.

There's a plant in the bathroom.

- Hey, TJ.
- Oh.

So, since we're
working alongside each other,

I wanted to get you
a cubicle-warming gift.

Hope you enjoy it.

- Cool. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

♪

I love it.

Hmm. I don't think
you're gonna get a nickname.

[Cellphones chiming, vibrating]

SAM: Why are there a bunch
of children in my office?

- Hello?
- Hello.

Hello... Oh, what?

This is our social media team.

They turn our news stories
into 30-second TikToks.

Well, tick tock, I need my office back.

Bad news. It's their office now.

Good news. You're getting another one...

that you have to share
with another person.

That sounds like two bad newses.

Who am I stuck with?

- Yay! This is gonna be so fun.
- Eee! Totally!

It's gonna be like
a slumber party that you wear

- your work clothes to.
- You're right. It's gonna be fun.

Luckily, we both like
to keep the window...

- ...closed.
- Open.

I mean closed! [Chuckles awkwardly] Yay!

Yeah, I don't know
what to tell you, Cheryl.

Some people just have
to sit on the floor.

Them's the breaks.

Okay.

How's it going, Mason?

Everything working out
with the new arrangement?

Oh, aces, boss.
Everybody's really loving it.

Excellent. I'm off to lunch
with a gentleman friend.

I'll be back in half an hour.



STRING CHEESE: Hey, I had
an extra string cheese,

and I thought,
why not give it to my man TJ?

Dude.

- Bring it in.
- [Chuckles]

That is so thoughtful.
I was having a blood sugar dip,

and along comes a hero.

- All right.
- [Chuckling] Yeah.

Oh, uh... [Clears throat] Hey, everybody!

Ol' Nellybelly's getting coffee.
Who wants one? My treat.

Ooh, I'd love a coffee.
I'll get a list going.

- Who wants a coffee?!
- MAN: Oh, I'll take one.

Hey, TJ, I'm not sure if you heard,

but I'm getting coffee for my peeps.

- No, thanks. I'm good.
- Can... Oh, I... No? None?

I didn't have breakfast. Do you mind

- if I get a couple of muffins?
- Yeah, I do mind, Tina!

♪ When an edit comes along ♪

- ♪ You must click it ♪
- [Pen clicking]

♪ Another edit comes along,
you must click it ♪

- [Pen clicking]
- Dennis!

Aah! Oh, my God.

I forgot you were here.

Can you not click your pen?

Oh, my God. [Chuckling] I'm so sorry.

- Yes, I will stop that.
- Okay.

♪ Stop it good, dun-dun-dun-dun-doo ♪

Oh, hey, your calendar
is flipped to June 2021.

Let me fix that for you.

Leave it!

[Clears throat] I mean... [Chuckles]

please, uh, leave it.

I'm... I'm a big fan
of the picture for June.

Yeah, but it's the...
it's the wrong month.

- Mm-hmm.
- And the wrong year.

And if I have to look at that
every single day,

it's going to drive me bananas, so...

♪

But, you know, if a calendar page

- is that important to you, uh...
- Great. Thank you.

Well, TJ hates me.

- What? Why?
- I don't know!

I've tried everything...
gifts, hid my desk junk,

bought everybody in the office coffee.

Oh, thank you for my iced
caramel hazelnut mocha.

- Oh, that was you?
- Mm-hmm.

You owe me 9 bucks.

Nell, maybe TJ's just having
a bad day, you know?

[Laughter in distance]

WOMAN: TJ, you are so funny!

Okay. Well, sometimes
when someone acts weird,

it's about something that's
completely out of your control,

like maybe you just, like, remind him

of an ex-girlfriend or something.

Or, Nell, maybe your name reminds him

of that Jodie Foster movie
where she can't talk

- because of the woods.
- You think so?

Whatever's going on with TJ,
it's best to just let it go.

He's right. You guys have to
work right next to each other,

so just don't make it weird.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I'm-a go make things weird.

Hey, TJ, can we...

Stupid plant.

Hey. Hey. Hi.

I feel like we need
to talk about the tension

that's happening between us.

Oh, wow. I didn't think
you were going to bring it up.

For sure. Let's discuss
the elephant in the room.

Yes. And exactly what is our elephant?

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

November 2, 2016, ring a bell?

Who remembers something
from that long ago?

It was the night
you pretty much destroyed

what could have been
the greatest moment of my life.

Yeah, still nothing.

Of course you don't remember.
Why would you?

A person who's capable
of doing what you did

wouldn't bother to remember.

♪

Uh, how am I supposed to remember

what happened seven years ago?

Oh, just check your social diary.

I don't have a social diary.

Then how do you keep track

of the people
with whom you've had brunch?

Damn, what the hell did I do in 2016?

I don't know. Turn 40?

I will punch you in the neck.

I'll show you a social diary.

♪

Hello, old friends.

What are you doing here?
You're never home this early.

Well, I needed to... Ew.

Since when did you become
an afternoon-robe guy?

I like the way the fabric
feels on my arm hairs.

I don't know why I asked.

Lexi's doing this stupid thing at work

where she's forcing us
to have cubicle-mates,

and mine hates me for something
I don't remember doing,

so I'm going through the photos
of all my old cell phones

to figure out what the hell happened

that pissed him off so much,
'cause I don't want to sit next

to someone who actively hates me
for the next forever-many years.

You keep all your old cell phones?

Yeah, that was the headline
of this rant.

Thank you for your active listening.

I don't understand. Have you
never heard of the Cloud?

No... I do not trust the Cloud.

[Wood creaks]

Someone in your room, Robe Guy?

Oh, my God. Is your sex friend in there?

No, I-I just ate some dairy.
That's what that sound was.

Unh-unh. Mnh-mnh! No, no!

No. Ew. Gross. Bye.

You're gross.

Did I just hear Nell speaking ill

about the conditions
of her new work environment?

Yeah, she hates it.

I checked in with an underling,

and he said everyone was "aces."

Maybe that's because you're his boss,

and he's just saying
what he thinks you want to hear.

Employees do that?

Yeah. Sometimes lovers do it, too.

For instance,
I may have led you to believe

- I like when you grab my...
- But if people are complaining,

then they won't be productive.

And that flies in the face
of uitmuntendheid.

- You're leaving already?
- Yeah.

We didn't get a chance to...

- [Beatboxing] ♪ Oontz, oontz, oontz ♪
- Oh, well, don't tempt me.

♪ Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz,
oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz ♪

No, I must go.

Let's see. 2016, 2016.

Ooh, I did not have
my selfie game down yet.

These angles are all
really nostril-heavy.

Oh, I found it. November 2, 2016.

[Gasps] Hey, and I was with you guys.

- Aww.
- Aww.

- Yeah.
- Look how on fleek I was.

I had bangs, and Sam didn't.

- Sam's are better.
- Sam's are better.

But what happened that night?

Okay, tell me. When
I'm married and have kids,

I can still do four sh*ts
of Jager on a Wednesday, right?

- Yeah, 100%.
- Of course. Yeah.

- Nothing's gonna change.
- Oh, I'm in that, like,

sweet spot of drunk, you know?
I'm feeling, like, flirty.

I'm feeling a little girly, you know?

I think I'm gonna get
somebody's number tonight.

Yeah!

I think it's time to "shpin" that phone.

- Oh.
- Let's spin that phone.

- She gonna spin that phone?
- Spin that phone?

- Let's spin that phone.
- Spin that phone.

- She gonna spin that phone.
- Go spin that phone.

Gonna spin that phone.

ALL: She gonna spin that phone again.

ALL: She wanna spin that phone again.

♪

Yeah.

I think I found my man.

Oh, my God.

That's why TJ's been mad at me
all these years.

I got his number,
and I never called him back.

I broke his heart.

[Gasps] I'm such a hot monster.

Oh, and then years later,
having all of this

just shoved up in his poor little face?

- I'm gonna go apologize.
- [Chuckles]

Okay. All right.

I just have to say it.

The reason why I hate your calendar

is because June is the month
of my wedding anniversary.

And that is the last thing
you want to be reminded of

when you are separated.

Oh, my God. Sam, I'm so sorry.

It's okay. I forgive you. Come here.

[Chuckles] Wait a minute.

What?

I wore a wool knit Mr. Turk
to your wedding,

which I would never wear
during the summer.

You didn't get married in June.

- Okay, fine! Fine.
- [Gasps]

I just find the calendar annoying.

Oh. Well, it is not half as annoying

as every time you send an e-mail,

you feel compelled to say,
"Whoosh! Bye-bye."

That is adorable.

It is so not.
And maybe I could handle it

if it weren't for the hard-boiled eggs

that you shove down your gullet
like a pelican.

News flash, Sam... Nobody likes
food that smells like farts.

Okay. Okay.

- What are you doing? No.
- Yeah.

- [Coughs]
- Ugh. Bleh.

Now it's gonna smell like that all day.

Oh, I know.

[Gasps]

Okay. I remember our elephant.

I asked for your number,
and I never called you.

I'm... I'm really sorry.

What are you talking about?

You're right. Yeah, we don't
have to talk about it.

Yeah. It was a baseball game.

There was a baseball game?

TJ: It was Game 7 of the World Series.

The Cubs were on the verge of winning

for the first time in 108 years.

Everyone in the bar was watching
the game, except for you.

Oh, my God. You guys,
I forgot that the CMAs are on.

Beyoncé is about to perform
with the Dixie Chicks.

- [Gasps]
- DENNIS: What?

But we're never going
to make it home on time

because we have such bad Uber ratings.

Don't let me pick the music

if you don't want to hear my falsetto.

- Hands off.
- Okay. Don't worry.

Listen, there's a TV right there.

- Bey is on the way! [Laughs]
- Ooh!

TJ: Bottom of the 10th. Two outs.

Cleveland at bat.

Martinez swings...

- Set it and forget it.
- AUDIENCE: And forget it.

- That's if you followed...
- What? No!

- all the instructional material.
- What? What just happened?

I-I'm looking for Beyoncé.
It's only one TV.

Oh.

Okay, so it's all of them.

- Who's got the remote?! Whoa.
- [All shouting angrily]

I just pressed the wrong button, all right?

I don't work at Radio Shack!

ANNOUNCER: And it's over!

The Cubs have just made history!

[Cheers and applause]

They're going wild in Chicago.

What a time to be alive.

I pity the loser who missed it.

NELL: Okay, he did not say that.

Well, that's how I remember it.

Mm, you were inebriated?

In a tavern?

You ruined the biggest moment
in Cubs history.

I may have to sit next to you,
but I don't have to like you.

Well, I'm sorry,
but your social faux pas

will be very difficult to recover from.

Ah, you'll be ostracized
from society for years,

unless... Could you marry a Kennedy?

Uh... I'm fine. I can work from here.

The world is my office now.

Ohh.

Ugh.

All right, well, hopefully that gum

belonged to someone
with excellent oral hygiene.

- Hey!
- Hey.

What are you, uh...
Whatcha doing out here?

I don't think I can work next to TJ.

He's a huge Cubs fan,

and it turns out seven years ago,

I changed the channel
in a World Series game...

[Gasps] Oh, the chickens came on!

[Laughs]

Wait, that's what he's mad about?

- That was hilarious.
- Well, he doesn't think so.

Yeah, he thinks I'm kind of awful.

Well, he's wrong. Remember
we got kicked out of the bar,

and then we tried
to sneak back in wearing hats?

- Ugh, we almost made it.
- [All booing]

- But somehow they found us out.
- Aah! Aah!

- They threw stuff at us.
- Aah! Oh! Aah!

NELL: Chicken wings!

You were so funny that night.

[Gasps] And Dennis saved me.

Do you remember I was wearing

that one off-the-rack
Chanel blouse that I loved?

And he dove in between me
and an incoming hot wing.

[Slow-motion grunt]

He sacrificed
his favorite "On Fleek" shirt.

He took a wing for me. Mm, Dennis.

- [Sighs] I gotta go.
- Okay.

[Sighs]

I know, I know. I'm sure
you're appalled at my behavior.

Well, you are loud and messy
and rude and disgusting.

Well, that... That is me.

But you're also a lot of fun.

You know, Nell,

when that crudité
got stuck in my throat,

I didn't want to draw attention,

so I excused myself and went outside.

But there was no one there to help me.

I choked to death on my own politeness.

[Scoffs] Oh, don't be like me, Nell.

You be yourself.

You make as much noise as you want to.

And if that fella upstairs
doesn't like it,

well, that's his [bleep] problem.

[Gasps]

[Laughing] My. Mary Sue, you are bad.

Just...

♪

I have to show you something.

I've tried to make you like me,
but this is who I am.

I'm messy, and I don't
buy people coffee,

and I k*ll plants. And I'm really sorry

that I ruined your baseball
game that night.

And I really hope
that you can accept my apology,

but if you can't,
I think maybe it's best

that you find another desk to work at.

- All right. Thank you for that.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh. You...

♪

Don't let the door hit you
where the Good Lord split you!

Okay, Mary Sue. I'm going to give you

like 10 minutes
to get it out of your system,

and then I'm going
to send your obituary.

- Ooh, well, in that case...
- Mm-hmm.

Your tie is hideous. [Chuckles]

I don't care that
you didn't use a coaster.

- [Man sneezing]
- Ah! You just sneezed,

and I'm not going to say God bless you.

[Sighs]

You know, I've never said it aloud,

but I've always wanted to.

Buttocks! Buttocks!

Buttocks!

I've created a monster.

Dennis, we really need to talk.

Wait, before you say anything... [Sighs]

I only kept the calendar on June

because the picture reminds me of us.

- What?
- Look...

I'm the hippo, and you
are the sweet little bird

riding my back into the sunset.

That is actually so sweet.

You always just know what to...

Wait a minute.

I know for a fact

that you remember
that one time we did gummies,

and we discussed in detail
what animals we would be,

and we both said we would be a...

- pigeon...
- Pigeon.

...because we belong to the city.

And we are both always stealing
other people's fries.

Yes, I remember.

We are both dirty, lying little pigeons.

[Sighs] Which is why we are friends.

- Come here.
- Mm.

[Sighs] But we can't work
in the same office together.

Oh, God, no. You're a monster.

♪

Can you come in here real quick?

Trying to k*ll me?

It's really hard. Others have tried.

[Scoffs] Come on, let's go.

["Take Me Out to the Ballgame" playing]

♪

So, I've been thinking about

how I missed the end
of the Cubs game that night.

Oh, my God. Dude...

And I realized I didn't stop
to think about what you missed.

Picture this.

November 2, 2016.

Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks
take the stage.

The nation holds their breath,
and then...

- Set it and forget it.
- AUDIENCE: And forget it.

That's if you followed
all the instructional material.

You know, there are
so many people out there...

Okay. I can see how painful
it is from the other side.

But I still maintain it is funny.

You're right, it is.

But I couldn't see it back then.

I'd just moved to town for this job,

and I didn't know anyone
or have any friends.

But I thought if my Cubs could win,

then maybe I could turn it around, too.

And it looked good. The Cubs were up,

a pretty girl just asked
for my number...

I knew you remembered that.

[Chuckles]

But I missed the end of the game.

And things kept sucking.

And it was the loneliest
year of my life,

and I blamed it all on you.

And that wasn't fair.

♪

I've been in many a tailspin.

I get it.

Yeah, buy me one of those
chicken roasters,

and I'll forgive you.

Uh...

I'm not gonna do that.

Then I guess you're just
gonna have to live with my wrath

next to you in a cubicle forever.

I guess so.

♪

Attention, employees!

Apparently you're all unhappy,

and apparently I care.

You want ergonomic chairs.
You want childcare.

You want two-ply toilet paper.
Well, I can't do it all.

So what's one thing I can do
that will make you all happy?

I'll say it, I don't care.
This overcrowding sucks ass.

- PERSON: Yeah.
- Thank you, Tina.

It is refreshing
to finally hear the truth.

And I would love
to not sit on the floor.

- Oh, enough, Cheryl.
- WOMAN: Yeah, Cheryl.

All right. Does everyone agree

that the current situation is not ideal?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

Very well. Then I shall
un-merge the floors.

Go back to whence you came.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Is it weird that we're clapping for her

because she undid the terrible
thing she did this morning?

Just about as weird
as someone who's obsessed

with a three-year-old calendar.

- That's fair.
- Mm.

I'm going to take the plant.

It's from the ladies' room.

Yeah, I know.

[Chuckles]

See you around, Chicken Girl.

Only if you're lucky.

Get that...

- Could you... [Grunts]
- Can you... Oh... [Sighs]

Nell, you said you were going
to recycle all your old phones.

- Show me one more time.
- [Sighs]

Look, all your photos and memories

are right here on the Cloud,
including hundreds of selfies

of you seeing
if there's food in your teeth.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Are you sure they're still there?

- Ugh.
- Uh, okay, just checking.

Oh, but what about on a clear day?

It's not a literal cloud...

Oh. Jokes?

Yeah, totally. Duh.

Give me my phones.