01x09 - Frozen Dinner...Party

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Oh, God, Ms. Gomez got into
the art supplies again.

Quick,
cover your heads.

It took me three haircuts to get
the glitter out last time.

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

playing for Meadows Creek High,
Alicia Gomez!

I have amazing news.

Yeah, me too.
I just got a video of you

fighting with a banner.

Can I ask you
not to post that?

You can,
but it already happened.

Awesome!

We qualified for
the World Debate League

Invitational Tournament.

Wait, we're going
to to the W.D.L.I.T.s --

A.K.A. the WDLITs?

Here's the best part --
it is being held in Paris.

Whoo!

Texas! Paris, Texas.

I should
have led with "Texas."

I do have some bad news.

Oh, God, she's gonna say
something personal.

Fingers up.

No!

Between flights and hotels
and food,

if we want to go on this trip,
we need to raise 10 grand.

Oh! Can't the school
cover it?

They're only covering public
schools are concerned with

is girls' shoulders.

Amen.

Principal Maris is not gonna
give us a dime

over our budget, so...

[ "Get Ready for This" plays ]

...we're gonna have to
fund it ourselves.

Oh, good. More art.

So, right now, we are here.

And then, when we take
into account the art supplies

for the thermometer and
my entrance banner, we...

are here...

at negative-$60.

Definitely worth it.

We got to get that money.

This tournament is
the kind of stuff

they wet their Dockers
over at Harvard.

And Yale.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the safeties will love it, too.

Who has
fundraising ideas?

Uh, I could
start a business

where I get things off
high shelves for people.

Uh, we'll call it...

Te-Reach.

Or we could purchase
a bankrupted company,

transfer the assets
into a shell corp,

and dissolve the original,
and then -- boom --

suddenly, we're back
in profit territory.

I feel so bad for
your future ex-wives.

We could have a pie-a-thon.

People could sponsor us
for every pie we eat.

Who'd pay for the pies?

They're not all winners,
Makayla.

Wait, I got it.
We can do a silent auction.

Or we could do the pie thing.

No, no!

It's gonna be fun.

Let's celebrate!

♪ Hey! ♪

Now I have to get a haircut!

♪♪

"Dinner with Principal Maris
at her house"?

That is off-brand.

No, it's not.

She only donates it so it
seems like she cares.

She knows no one will bid.

Come on,
she's not so scary.

Okay, should I put
your name down?

Hell, no.

Mr. E?

Bid, or get off the pot.

What year was this copy of
"Grapes of Wrath" published?

I don't know.

It's been in my garage
for like 12 years,

which is also how long you've
been standing at this table.

You can't rush antiquing.

Good advice...

that I will never use.

Take it all -- a dollar.

2 minutes, 35 seconds left!
How are we doing?

After selling Terrell's
keyboard, we've raised $7,000,

which means we only have
$3,000 left to go.

Unfortunately, we've run out of
timeshares, spa treatments,

and "errand boys."

I went for 350 bucks.

I hope they don't make me
lift anything.

We'll never earn enough
for this trip.

We only have
small items left.

Au revoir, Paris...

Texas.

Man, here goes
our Harvard bait.

I mean, I'll probably be fine.
I just feel bad for you guys.

We're going on that trip,
even if it means

doing something
that scares me.

Getting bangs?

No, asking Principal Maris
for that funding.

I'm bidding
on that dinner.

[ Chopin's "Death March" plays ]

I changed my mind.
I'm keeping the keyboard.

Uh...

I didn't know Terrell
played piano.

Yeah, it's one of his
secret passions,

like Robyn
with her crosswords,

Makayla with tropical fish,
and Luke's is archery.

In fact, I know everyone's
secret passion except for yours.

See, that's because mine
is a secret.

Well, call me
Ronan Farrow,

'cause I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.

Hey, uh,
where are those books?

Oh, I found a buyer
without commitment issues

or a junior-detective kit.

You sold them?
Even "Grapes of Wrath"?

Yeah, to Betsy Glennon
for like a dollar.

Well, good for her.

You know, I looked it up.
Your copy is a first edition.

It's worth
thousands of dollars.

[ "Dun, Dun, Dun" plays ]

Why --

Why didn't you
tell me, man?!

I was still collecting
book data.

That could've paid
for our whole trip.

Yeah.

Wow. I'm sorry.

Lost myself, there,
for a minute.

I get it, man.
Books make me emotional, too.

So, guys, [Chuckles]
w-we need to get that copy of

"Grapes of Wrath"
back from Betsy.

Unless we think Ms Gomez
can get the money

from Principal Maris.

Yeah, we got
to get that book.

♪ Need somethin'
from the top shelf? ♪

♪ Call Te-Reach, Te-Reach ♪

[ Chuckles ]

Who's excited for our dinner?

You're not Principal Maris.

Thank God for that.

Vice Principal Flair...

why are you at her desk?

Just daydreaming that she
catches me here and fires me,

and I can finally
leave this nightmare job

and enjoy my pension.

Is she around?

Oh, you didn't hear?
[ Sighs ]

So, Principal Maris
was at Costco,

and a flat-screen TV

landed on her ankle.

It was a compound fracture.

The bone busted
right through the skin!

[ Laughs ]

Damn it, Neil,
if you're gonna sell the lie,

you can't laugh.

Well, I'm sorry.

Maybe think of a lie
that gives me less joy.

That might help.
Look, fire me.

Please, I'm begging you!

Sorry, I can't.

Because you're so
miserable here,

and that makes me happy.

[ Groans ]

This feels healthy.

Passes the time.

Yeah.

Ms. Gomez,
how can I help you?

I am here to talk about
our dinner tonight.

I would love to.
Unfortunately, I can't.

I have this very important
meeting right now.

Oh, no. I did the Costco thing.
I'm out.

Come on. I paid almost 5 bucks
for that dinner.

You have to eat with me.

You sound like my last
Tinder date.

It'll be fun.

Alright, 7:00.

Be on time,
or I'm locking the door.

And come full.

I always do.

I embezzled $200,000
from the school

so I could retile my bathroom.

Nice try, Neil.

You're gonna be
here forever.

Buh-bye.

Okay.

That's the girl
who bought the book?

What is she doing?

Air drums.

Yeah. Betsy rips a solo
whenever she tells a joke.

But she's not
talking to anyone.

Visible.

Y'all should watch her
video podcast, though.

I heard
she speaks in "cat."

Well, enjoy the show,
'cause, uh,

Uncle Luke
is an expert negotiator.

Hello, Betsy.

Or should I say,
uh, "Meow meow"?

Oh, come speak "cat"
to the cat lady,

'cause that's
what she likes.

Yeah, I-I didn't
mean to offend.

No, that is what she likes.

Anyway, you purchased
something at

the silent auction yesterday.

"Grapes of Wrath"?

I didn't mean to sell it.

So you want it back?

I would do anything.

I would have just given it back,
but you and your friends

can come on
my podcast tonight.

We would love that.

Well, I am flattered to be

your plus-one to dinner
with Principal Maris.

I'm flattered you think
she gave me a plus-one.

Oh, my God, I'm crashing?

I need to convince
Principal Maris to give us

that money, and you
have that smile

that nobody can
say no to.

I'm here because
I'm obsessed

with the mystery
that is Sarah Maris.

Oh.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Welcome to the weirdest
dinner ever.

Take your shoes off.
This is gonna suck.

Can I see your room?

No.

Damn that smile.

Thanks, Miles. Way to use
the one tool in our box!

Come on in.

I just have to grab
something from the car.

Yeah.

Ah, good evening,
Ms. Gomez.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I didn't have a choice,
but you do.

Chicken or beef?

I see what she's doing.

She's trying to get me to leave,
but joke's on her.

I can eat anything.

Weird flex.

Look, I came here to fight
for money for my kids,

so I'm not leaving
till she comes back.

She promised me a year off
my contract if I got rid of you.

Hmm.

Looks like we've both
been duped.

This girl has not
been duped.

[ Tires squeal, engine revs ]

That's the sound
of her driving off.

In my car.

♪♪

Testing, testing.

Meow-meow.

I can't believe we're
gonna get this book,

all for the low price
of our entire reputations.

Come on, this is
for the debate trip.

We'll get through
it quickly,

and it'll be like
it never even happened.

Welcome to "Betsy's Four Hour
Long Video Pod-cats."

I'm out.

You really are
the weaker sex.

Today I'm interviewing
my four new best friends.

Wave.

Like I showed you.

Makayla,
meow you doin' today?

I'm out.

It -- It's not even like
it's that embarrassing.

Betsy: Before we start
the interview,

I'm gonna need you
to draw on your whiskers.

Is that a Sharpie?

Uh, whatcha doin'?

Covering my eyes to build up
the dramatic moment.

And...

Ew.

What in the Target Home display
hell is this?

That's a colorful way
to call me basic.

Why do you care so much
about what my room looks like?

I don't know.

I thought I'd see this place,
we'd have a blood ceremony,

howl at the moon, and put
curses on our ex-boyfriends.

Wow! You had
a big night planned.

Look, I don't normally
share my stuff with others.

It's weird with my mom
being the principal and all.

Sorry.

This is [Scoffs] great.

Okay, you have not
checked out my closet yet.

I have a lot more layers
than you may think.

That better not be a reference
to a collection of

J. Crew cardigans.

Eee!

♪ This is everything ♪

I just -- [Sighs]
I really want my class

to go on that trip.

I mean, they worked so hard,

and if I don't fight for them,
then who's gonna?

Blah-blah-blah.

You care. I get it.

All I care about is trying
to get this coffee mug

to leave a ring
on the table.

Nope.

Aw, never mind.

Just gonna go back to address
invites to the neighborhood

barbecue that Maris
doesn't know she's hosting.

Oh! Wow!

You put a lot of energy
into getting fired.

Yeah, it is a bit
of a fool's errand.

You know, she's so stubborn,
which is why I think you should

give up on trying to get her
to give you money for that trip.

Nope, I'll be here all night
until she gets back.

Let's figure out more ways
to anger her.

I am not
playing that game.

But if I was...

I would put her clothes
in the dryer and shrink them

so she thinks
she gained weight.

To the laundry room!
Ha-ha!

[ "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!"
plays ]

♪ The best thing
about bein' a woman ♪

♪ Is the prerogative to have
a little fun and ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh,
go totally crazy ♪

♪ Forget I'm a lady ♪

♪ Men's shirts,
short skirts ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Really go wild ♪

♪ Yeah, doin' it ♪

Whew!

A shrine to country music
in your closet?

[ Chuckles ]
A word to anyone,

and this outfit
ends up on Instagram.

Please, [Southern accent]
get me from boot to brim.

♪ And the best thing
about bein' a woman ♪

♪ Is the prerogative
to have a little fun and ♪

I thought she was going to her
locker and getting the book

so we could sell it
and pay for this debate trip.

She said she had to
"dunk on these hos"

who trashed
her podcast first.

Be right there, besties.
I'm roastin' this dude.

Dude, everyone's talking
about us, and not in the usual,

"Hey, that Terrell dude
is kinda tall" type of way.

No, no, no,
we should leave those on.

I mean, we don't have
the book yet.

We don't want
to piss her off.

Alright, come, Luke,
what is this?

It's taking forever.

Okay, time
for a little B&E.

How are bacon and eggs
gonna help us?

"Breaking and entering"!
We're breaking into her locker.

"Bacon and eggs"?

Hmm?

Oh, my God, Oh, my God!
That's my dad's Black Card!

Dude, it's okay, I got it.
Just give me your phone.

What are you gonna do?

Yeah, hi, I'd like to report
a lost credit card.

Move aside.

The combo is
her cat's birthday.

She mentioned it like
12 times on her podcast.

Well, looks, uh --

looks like this is gonna require
a delicate touch.

See, this is bad for us,
but I love seeing you fail.

Betsy: What's going on?

Hmm.

Betsy, I-I'm sorry.

W-We were just looking
for the book

'cause that was
kinda the deal.

[ Chuckles ]
I'm so stupid.

I convinced myself you guys
were hanging out with me

'cause you liked me.

But who wants to be friends
with the strange girl?

I feel terrible.

Me too.

[ Laughs ] Hey, I found
my dad's credit card!

I just canceled it.

Mornin'.
How'd it go last night?

Terrible.
She never showed.

But worry not.

I have other ways
of making the cash.

Ready? Money bag...

money bag...

[ Groans ]

Hot dog.

Maybe try something with
better odds than scratchers.

Like, find a treasure map
in your attic.

Get your friends together,

go search for a pirate ship
under the city.

I've seen "Goonies," Elliot.

What's "Goonies"?

I just feel like I really
let my kids down.

Ms. Gomez, a late auction bid
of $3,000

came in for this atrocity.

Oh, my God.
I made that atrocity!

Do you know
what this means?

Yeah, your team can go
to the tournament.

No, I'm gonna be a famous
mug maker!

It's weird. $3,000 is the exact
amount you needed.

I wonder who made the bid?

I think I know.

I got three hot dogs!

[ Laughs ] I'm rich!

No more bag lunch for this guy.

Oh, no, it's just a free ticket.

Back to bag lunch for this guy.

Hey, Betsy.
Whatcha doin'?

Tricking everyone into thinking
a kid evaporated.

Huh!
Are those my sneakers?

They're hers now.
Move on.

Um, come walk with us.

Look, we just wanted
to say we're sorry

about everything
that happened yesterday.

So we did a little
something for you

as a token
of our friendship.

Ta-da!

We organized your locker.

Look, I know you think we were
only hanging out

with you to get
the book back.

But we did have fun
being on your podcast...

for the first three hours.

Look, you might be a little
strange, but --

-But so is Luke.
-But so is Makayla.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Friends?

Of course.

And as your friend,

I feel like
I need to tell you that

I need some space.

Are you dumping us?

Don't make me say it.

Here.

Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you.

W-What happened
to the back?

You let your
cat scratch it?

What could I do?
She's her own woman.

Oh, my God, and now this book
is worthless.

No book is worthless
if you learn something.

And in this book --

Oh, I can't believe
we lost that money!

I can't believe
I found my sneakers.

For the last time,
no one "got evaporated."

If that could happen,
none of you would be here.

Now, go to class!

Principal Maris?

Oh!

Hey, Principal Maris,
wait!

You can't dodge me
forever!

Alright, fine,
make it quick.

I know it was you
who made it poss--

I just want to thank you for --

Thanks for donation,
enjoy mug.

I didn't give you
a donation.

That's why I've been
avoiding you.

I have a soft spot for you,

and it makes it hard
for me to say no.

Aww.

I can't allocate funds
to my daughter's class.

Talk about
blatant favoritism.

Think of the headlines.

"Gorgeous principal,
often mistaken

for one of her own students,

shelling out cash
to her daughter's class."

Whooh.
[ Clicks tongue ]

Okay, then who
bought my mug?

Huh?

If I had to guess,
I would say,

"I don't care."

Neil?

Did you buy my mug?

Well, it's perfect, right?

It leaves a ring
and it scratches the table.

[ Chuckles ]

Plus, I had a little
extra cash left over.

I rent the school
out on the weekends.

Lunch ladies use it
as an escape room.

I don't buy it.

I think you spent
your hard-earned money on that.

How dare you imply
that I work hard.

Good luck with that debate.

Wish I had a teacher like you
when I was a kid.

Hmm.

You know, you claim not to care,
but, admit it, you do.

Alright, but let's keep that
between us, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, we're done.

I have amazing news.

We are going to
Paris, Texas!

[ Cheering ]

Texas!

Allow me.
Uh-huh, there we go.

♪ Need somethin'
from the top shelf? ♪

♪ Call Te-Reach ♪

All: ♪ Te-Reach ♪

[ Chuckles ]
Catchy, ain't it?

Uh-huh.

That'll be 12 bucks.

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh,
go totally crazy ♪

♪ Forget I'm a lady ♪

♪ Men's shirts, short skirts ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh,
really go wild ♪

♪ Yeah, doin' it in style ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh,
get in the action ♪

♪ Feel the attraction ♪

♪ Color my hair,
do what I dare ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh,
I wanna be free ♪

♪ Yeah, to feel the way
I feel ♪

♪ The way I feel ♪

♪ Man, I feel like a woman ♪

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey, hey! ♪