05x02 - Doug's New School

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dr. Porkchoppie and I reached
the new school at exactly midnight.

Situation status, spooky plus.

[X-Files style music playing]

Porkchoppie, look! I knew it!

There are invading aliens in this school!

-Uh-oh.
-Yes! This alien footprint is proof!

Oh.

[X-Files style music playing]

-[snarling]
-Aah!

Hey, Porkchop, you're in my light!

[jabbering]

Invading aliens!

Aaah!

[panting]

[screaming]

[snarling]

[panting] Run! This school
is swarming with invading aliens!

Huh? [screaming]

[gasping]

What's the matter with you?
Aren't you scared of aliens?

Scared? They're not half as scary as this.

What's that?

Tonight's homework!

[together] Homework?

[all screaming]

[whooshing]

[footsteps]

That's me.

[whistling]

[Doug] Just one day before school started,
and we still hadn't found a new hangout.

So we tried Cornie's Corn Bar.

It's all corn!

Look! Assorted shakes!
What flavors ya got?

Well, we got regular corn,
creamy corn, spicy corn,

-and...
-[all] And?

...frothy goat.

We've gotta find somewhere
that serves plain old shakes.

I don't know.
This is pretty frothy goat. I'm hooked.

I'm too worried about starting school
tomorrow to eat anyway.

What are you worried about?

Well, for one thing, when school starts,

we won't be
the oldest kids in school anymore.

-We'll be the youngest.
-I never thought of that.

And I hear the older kids
will treat us like servants.

[upperclassmen snarling]

Hey, you! Gimme that!

[gobbling]

Ahhh!

Do my homework, plebe!

But I don't know quantum mechanics.

[all] Read da book!

I heard the new school's gonna have
a strict, old-fashioned dress code.

Okay, jumpin' jacks! Begin!

One, two! One, two!

One, two...

Man, I heard that middle school
is so hard,

when they give you a test,
they don't even give you the questions.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Trollski,
there are no questions on my paper.

[slobbering]

[snickering]

This is middle school, not kindergarten!

[laughing maniacally]

I wonder if it's too late to be left back.

[Doug] It was too late to do anything,

because the very next day
was the first morning of school.

[indistinct conversation]

I don't see Patti, Doug.

She's going to home school
this year, remember?

We'll see her later.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's right.
-Hey, isn't that ex-mayor White?

Didn't you hear? He's our new principal.

♪ He's here, he's sincere ♪

♪ His honor, the principal ♪

[kids cheering]

Good morning, young people,
and welcome to your new school.

Of course, you all know me
as your dedicated ex- mayor.

Huh? Ha ha ha ha!

But I am equally dedicated
to being your principal...

[under his breath]
until the next election.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

And when you bring home those high grades,
tell your folks to vote for me.

Beside me is the man
who built this staggering oedipus,

Mr. Bill Bluff,
Chairman of BluffCo Industries.

Let's give him a hand!

I, oh-- [laughs]

And now Mr. Bluff and I
will unveil your glorious new school.

[drum roll]

[surprised grunting]

Are those our teachers?

Uh, pay no attention to them.

They're just putting
a few finishing touches on your school.

Excuse me! Mr. Principal?

Please. Call me your ex-mayor
or your next mayor.

Mr. Ex-mayor,
what's the name of our school?

Uh... [laughs]

Why, of course. It's, uh-- oh! Heh heh.

Why don't we let these fine young people
name their school?

Why, yes. I was just about to announce

the... um... Name Your School contest.

[all cheering]

Wow! Cool! I never heard of kids
getting to name their school.

Duh... I got it! I got it!
Bluffington School!

That was the name
of our old school, Einstein!

[snaps fingers]
Oh, man! It was so perfect.

What do we win?

A big... new... shiny--

Uh, place in the hearts
of your fellow students

for being the person
who named this illustrious institution!

-What a rip!
-[children cheering]

Wow. A big, new, shiny... [echoing]

[applause and cheers]

[kids] I pledge allegiance to Doug Funnie,
who named our school

and has a big, new, shiny place
in all our hearts!

And justice for all!

I'm going to name this school!

[Doug] I'd been in homeroom five minutes,

and I still hadn't come up
with the perfect name for our new school.

-Hi, Doug. I haven't seen you all summer.
-Yeah, hi. Good to see ya.

[whispering]

[chattering]

[whispering] Ignore Roger.

He thinks we should be friends

just because he's rich
and lives next door.

[giggles]

Bought a pair of these yet, Beebe?

Wow! DX1270 Puntium 9000s!

Yep. Watch this.

[shoe beeping] [Darth Vader voice]
My lace is loose. Tie me.

My lace is loose. Tie me.

Welcome to homeroom. I'm Ms. Kristal.

We're going to have a great year together
here at good old, um... here,

which will have a name soon.

[Doug] So the first day of school
was underway.

Let's pick up, ahem, Moby d*ck, shall we?

[Ms. Kristal reading dramatically]

[Doug] I've never seen anyone read a book
the way Ms. Kristal does.

From hell's heart, I s*ab at thee!

For hate's sake...

[Doug] If Captain Ahab was this intense,

I think Moby d*ck would have surrendered.

[Ms. Kristal] For hate's sake,
I spit my last breath on thee!

[Doug] Moby school? Moby d*ck school?

d*ck-comma-Moby Middle School...

Hey, Doug, how about
The School of Moist Learning? Ha ha!

Moist middle school?

-Middle Moist School.
-[Ms. Kristal] I spit...

my last breath...

-at theeeeee!
-[grunting]

[Doug] Our Math teacher is Mr. Abbott.

Not Mr. Absent, regardless
of what you've heard

from your older brothers and sisters.

It's a rumor. It's untrue.

I'll explain it all, eh, uh, another time!
It's just that I gotta go.

I look forward to meeting all of you.

Each and every one of you
is important to me,

but I have an important meeting.

Bye-bye.

Hey, I like this place.

Even the teachers cut class. Heh heh heh.

Do chapters one to 20.
We'll, what, have a test tomorrow.

[chuckling]

[all groaning]

Joey Cucamonga!
I knew it was too good to be true!

How about we call it
Do-it-Yourself Middle School?

[Doug] My shop teachers are
Mr. Heaver and Mr. Heaver.

You can't tell them apart until they talk.

If you want to work with wood,
you have to go with the grain.

Wood! Why don't we
just put out doilies and have a tea party!

Metal rules!

We are the masters of metal!
It must bend to our will!

-Wood!
-Steel!

-Wood!
-Steel!

Wood...

Steel!

Yeah!

-Wood!
-Steel!

-Wood!
-Steel!

-Wood!
-Steel!

Wood...

[Doug] Between classes, we found out
the new school wasn't quite done yet.

[humming]

Huh?

[applause and cheers]

What?

Oh, yeah. We're workin' on that.

[siren blaring]

[excited murmuring]

-That kid, is that--
-I think it's him! Come on!

Welcome to, um, this school,
which we'll name later, Mr. Beaumont.

It is him! It's Skunky Beaumont.

I'm warning you, Beaumont,
things will be different here.

One stink b*mb, one,

and you'll be doing time
in our new high security detention hall

that I call...
our new high security detention hall.

[talking, chuckling]

Cool.

[chuckles] They're working on it.

[indistinct conversation]

-What are you doing, Doug?
-I got it! I got the perfect name, Skeet!

-What is it? Tell me!
-Hey, Doug! Hey, Skeeter!

Here comes Patti.
I'll tell you both together.

Hmm. Wait, I thought
she went to home school.

Only in the morning, Skeet.
Then she comes to school with us.

I think I've found
what I'm really good at, Skeet.

Naming stuff.

[announcer] We're at the office
of the world's most famous namer of stuff.

Planets, hurricanes,
you name it, he's named it.

I mean, if you can't name it, he can.

And here comes the genius now!

That is a thalmin.

-[crowd] Ooh!
-[girl] Ooh! Yeah.

That is a spizzle.

[crowd] Aah!

And this, ladies and gentlemen,
Is a tortoise.

-That's taken.
-A shmortoise.

[applause and cheering]

That's brilliant! Oh, Doug!
You sure know how to name stuff.

Hey, guys. I heard
about the school naming contest.

Have you come up with anything yet?

Yeah! In fact, Doug was just about
to tell us his name for the school!

Go ahead, Doug!

It's not only a good name.

It'll inspire both teachers and students
to do their best.

Wow! What is it?

Learning is Educational Middle School!

Ha ha ha! Good one, Doug!
Y-you're kidding, right?

Well, you come up
with something better, then.

Don't worry. I will.

That's fine with me.

Well, it's fine with me!

Well, it was fine with me first!

D-oooh!

[band tuning up]

-You! Cotton swab! What is that?
-A piccolo, sir, Mr. Fort, sir!

Arrgh! Now it's garbage!
You will play a trumpet! A trumpet!

-But I don't know how to play a trumpet.
-Drop and gimme 20!

One... two...

-Your dad's principal, right?
-Mmm-hmm.

-I better go easy on you, then.
-Duh... thanks.

Gimme 40!

One... two...

What is this? I'll call you skunky!

Cool, 'cause that's my name.

Then I'll call you... Walter.

Noooo! [sobbing]

-What do you got there, blue boy?
-A clarinet, but I'd like a trumpet.

Aiii-yaah! Finally,
someone who understands music!

Gimme 20, mister!

How come?

Because it's a nice day for push-ups.
Move it!

-Name!
-Uh, Doug Funnie.

Funnie? Well, you are not-funny!
Not-funny, what is your instrument?

A-- a ban-- a ban-- a ban--
a ban-- ban-- ban...

Is that... a banjo?

Who ever heard of a banjo
in a marching band?

Certainly not my lifelong arch-rival,

the leader of Bloatsburg's
Mighty Bloatsburgers...

Baron Ostrich Verderberger.

[whistling]

[Mr. Fort] He has the best players,

the most expensive instruments
and uniforms.

[thick German accent]
Fort, you are a disgrace to music! Ha ha!

Again, mein band makes yours look foolish.

-[laughing maniacally]
-[snapping]

[crowd roaring]

Oh, no! Everyone loves the banjo!

[gasping]

Ah... a secret w*apon.

[groaning]

Not-funny, I have big plans for you!

I'm not taking my eye off you!

-Great.
-Now drop and gimme 20!

[Doug] Only a chocolate soda
could make me feel better.

Luckily, Mr. Swirly had just opened
a soda shop.

I think I'll try
the swirlylicious noodle tater twisters.

Hey, that wouldn't be
a bad name for the school!

Not bad, but it's no
Learning is Educational.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

It's compact, self-contained,
says what it is. That's a name.

-What's Patti's problem?
-Ask her! Here she comes.

Hey, Patti! Over here!

She must be coming to apologize.

You know what, Doug?

After thinking about it,
I realize how good your school name was.

-[sighing] No need to apologize, Patti.
-Oh, but I must!

No one is as good at naming stuff
as you, Doug.

Doug, after thinking about it,

I guess you realized
how lame your school name was.

No need to apologize, Patti-- Huh?

Fortunately, I came up
with a real good one,

Tomorrow's Adults Studying Today
In the Future Yesterday Middle School.

[laughing] For a minute,
I thought you were really serious.

I never thought
you could be so mean, Doug.

Oh, come on, you laughed at mine,
and at least mine was good.

Why don't we just leave it
up to the naming committee, Doug?

Huh!

Okay. Who gets the frothy goat?

That's me!

Mmm! Mmm!

[Doug] Great.
One day into the school year,

and Patti and I will probably
never be friends again.

[Skeeter] Mmm-mmm!

[Doug] The school naming committee
was ready to hear

our ideas for school names.

Yeah, well, yeah,
I-I'd love to be here to pick names,

But I... gotta go! Bye-bye.

I didn't want to fight with Patti,

so I decided I'd be a big man
and apologize.

She'd like that.

Humph!

Patti, about when I laughed at your name--

Doug, let's just drop it
until you cool off, okay?

Cool off? I'm cool! Who's cooler than me?
Name somebody cooler!

[Principal White] Keep it down back there,
young person.

Let's have our first entrant.

I suggest we call our school
Middle School Number One!

That way, we can always say,
"We're number one!" Yes!

[scattered cheers]

Is this on? [feedback]
Oh. I ha--I have two ideas,

Gallia est omnis divisa in parte tres
Middle School.

And that's Latin for "All of Gaul is
divided into three parts" Middle School.

And my other is...

Kool Skool!

I spelt it wrong on purpose.
-[crowd cheering]

{Principal White] Thank you.

I put the school initials on the front.

Doug, don't you know what the initials
of "Learning is Educational" spell?

What would we cheer at games,
"Win one for the big lie"?

Maybe.

What do you care, anyway?
You don't even go to this school!

Doug!

You're not gonna hear any as good as this!
Ready? Fat Jack Junior High!

[Principal White] Thank you.

Because it's built
on Fat Jack's trailer park! Ya get it?

[Principal White] Thank you!

Hey, Mr. Bluff! I live next door!

[Principal White] Thank... you!

-[booing]
-Stupid school!

I suggest we call it "Turbo School Now."

And I wrote a school song!

-[alternative rock music playing]
-[gasping]

♪ Go, go, Turbo School now ♪

♪ Go, go, g-g-g-g-go ♪

♪ It's the middle school that rules ♪

♪ Algebra and history ♪

♪ English and geometry ♪

♪ Learnin' stuff at such a pace ♪

♪ Turbo School ♪

♪ It's in your faaaaace ♪

♪ Go, go, Turbo School now ♪

♪ Go, go, g-g-g-g-go ♪

♪ Go, go, Turbo School now ♪

♪ G-g-g-g-go ♪

Thank you for your attention.

[Principal White]
Patricia Mayonnaise is next.

[Doug] I wanted to wish Patti luck,
but why get her hopes up?

Soon I would win, and she'd realize
how right I was all along.

[Fans] L.I.E.! L.I.E.!

Win one for the biiiig lie!

Doug's right! Learning is educational!

[crowd roaring]

[Principal White] Douglas Funnie!
Is he back there?

Yo, Doug. It's your turn, man.

My name will inspire
both teachers and students,

The Learning is Educational Middle School!

It's compact, self-contained,
says what it is,

that's a name.

[crowd murmuring]

Thank you for all your great suggestions.

We will adjourn now to vote.

No, we won't. I built this place,
so I'll choose the name.

Learning is Educational.
Learning is Educational.

Tomorrow's Adults Studying Today
in the Future Yesterday Middle School.

I've decided to name it
Beebe Bluff Middle School,

after my princess.

-Oh, daddy!
-[crowd cheering]

I'm a school!

Beebe Bluff it is!

Thanks again, young people,
for all your hard work.

[all] What?

[all grumbling]

-I broke a string for that?
-What a rip!

I'm suing!

I have to go to a school named
Beebe Bluff?

Even your name was better than that, Doug.

Beebe Bluff makes Future Adult Yesterday
and... of Tomorrow sound decent.

Well, that's that.

I guess if I'd asked you to help me,
I would have realized it spelled "lie."

I'll bet you could've helped make mine

compact, self-contained,
and really say what it is.

Can you believe we got
so mad at each other

over something
that turned out to be so dumb?

I wanted you to like
the name I came up with.

I really wanted you to like mine, too.

I guess the only thing dumber
than my school name

was the way I acted.

Yeah, me, too.

So you want to go to Swirly's
for a shake or something?

Sure, Doug.

Hey! Where are we?

I've never been
in this part of the school before.

How do you get out of here?

-Boy, I hope they finish this school soon.
-Huh?

[theme music playing]