(slow tempo guitar music)
(air hissing)
Yee-haw!
(upbeat music)
(group chattering)
(electricity humming)
(electricity crackling)
(TV whirring)
(static crackling)
(dramatic music)
George Benjamin here with Channel 7 News.
The Amityville house,
yes, you heard that right.
The Amityville house is
finally being torn down
after countless hauntings, murders,
mysteries, sharks, vibrators,
Christmas vacations.
I mean, you name it
and it's happened at the Amityville house.
Next up, Goro Chan Saha
sits down to talk about
his latest film the big
budget extravaganza,
"Kiss My Lips Before You Die Part 4".
If you're one of those people
that just need a relic from
the house, you're in luck.
Items from the house
are being auctioned off
and can be yours.
True life memorabilia,
spooky household items
all within your grasp.
Just check out the website.
I don't know about you
but I may sleep with the light on tonight.
I never really liked any
of those Amityville films.
I always thought they were kind of boring.
Well, maybe except for that one
with the the grandfather clock.
Yeah, that one was pretty cool.
(static hisses)
(birds chirping)
I'm Steve Martin and
this is my video store.
(group cheering)
No, I am not the actor Steve Martin.
I am a video stone owner.
There's so many movies here.
I have got them all.
Scary movies.
Funny movies.
Action.
Hey everybody, it's Spider
here coming to the podcast.
Okay, so I don't know,
but don't you find it a little
weird that the same week
that they started auctioning
off all these Amityville items
a bunch of weird alien UFO
stuff starts popping up.
I was in my backyard
and one of those UFOs zoomed by.
I immediately lost control
of my legs and my bladder
at the same time.
I can never enjoy a cookout again.
Not after that.
Mary Lee Bunchcake local
stamp collector and historian
says, "That aliens have been
visiting the area for years,
and she welcomes them with open arms."
I don't know about you,
but I wouldn't want any little green men
probing around my husband's behind.
Now back to Janet with the weather.
It looked weird.
Like a giant pie in the dark sky
with some lights on it.
When I was little,
I dreamed of seeing aliens.
Now I just want them to stop.
I hear aliens screaming
whenever I close my eyes.
It was about three feet tall I reckon.
Big eyes like a Bratz doll.
I've seen a lot of stuff in my life.
Scary stuff, funny stuff, ah, weird stuff.
But the.
I went out looking for a fight,
but dammit, now I'm love with a alien.
When you were born your mamma sad
The lord bless you and keep you
They're cute.
Increased sightings, UFOs,
no word from authorities.
What is going on?
(static crackling)
(ominous music)
(alarm buzzing)
Hello, paranormal fans.
This is your favorite
podcaster Francis Herman.
We have a wild episode for you today.
Aliens in small town America.
It's wild and may be apparently true.
We will sit down and talk to eyewitnesses
that have seen these aliens firsthand,
and even some of them have been probed.
Insane.
Stick with us.
(radio static hissing)
(heavy metal music)
Hey, quick question.
Wow.
Bodacious bod, sis.
Dude, what the f*ck?
I'm trying to change.
Can't you knock?
No time for knocks, sis.
Tonight's the big night.
New Year.
Okay, who cares?
We have a party to prepare for?
We?
A party?
Well, that's where it gets really fun
'cause this party is happening right here.
And one more thing, did you
unplug all of the computers?
Because apparently at 12 o'clock,
they're all supposed to be blowing up.
I think that's called Y2K.
And what about mom and dad and Annie-
Shh.
Listen, it's real.
You need to unplug all the computers,
make sure they're shut off
before you unplug them,
and yeah, it's called Y2K.
I know I just told you that.
And mom ad dad left this morning.
Remember the cruise?
Oh yeah, that was today.
Okay, but still, we
can't have a party here.
Annie's coming over and we have plans.
Oh, snap.
Annie the hot goth girl cutie with a booty.
That's a good idea definitely invite her.
We need her at this party.
I didn't invite her to your party.
Our party.
(Marianne sighs)
Now I'm gonna grab some music.
Um, should I get a DJ?
I do have that Sugar Ray CD, and I do,
I really want Sugar Ray to be played.
So my CD's only about an hour long.
I'm gonna get a Sugar
Ray specific DJ, okay?
Yeah, this party is gonna be
all that and a bag of chips.
(door bangs)
Sugar Ray. (sighs)
All that and a bag of chips.
(Marianne sighs)
(phone beeping)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Hey, Annie.
Hey, M.
What's up?
My brother just came into my room
and told me they're throwing
a party here tonight.
sh*t.
Did you tell him we have plans?
I didn't tell him what we were doing,
but I told him you're coming
over and then we have plans.
But the moron thought I was inviting you.
Oh.
Did he say anything about me?
I don't know.
He said something about a
hot goth girl with a booty.
He called me hot?
Hello.
Annie, what the f*ck?
The point is there's gonna
be a party here tonight
and we have things to do.
Okay, okay.
Just let your brother have his little party
and maybe it'll distract him enough
so we can do what we need to do.
Okay, Annie, I hope you're right.
Unless you wanna go to the party.
I don't wanna go to the party.
Do you?
Of course not.
Good.
Good.
So did your mystery item arrive?
Not yet, but it'll be here soon.
Did you read all the books?
Yep, multiple times.
I know exactly what to do.
Okie dokie.
Sounds good.
Well, I'll throw something
on and head right over.
Sounds good.
See you soon.
See ya.
(car horn honking)
What now?
(brooding music)
(sighs) Of course, these idiots are here
at eight in the morning.
(door clicks)
Chapman!
Nichols!
Ooh!
Ooh!
[Nicholas and Chapman] Go wolves!
Whoo!
Hell yeah, bro.
Hell yeah, brother.
Hell yeah, brother.
(hands slapping)
Hey, hey man.
Yeah.
(brooding music)
Okay, hey, man.
(laughs) Hey.
Hey.
You can let go.
You can let go now.
Oh my bad, bro.
My bad.
'Nam flashback, 'Nam flashback.
f*cking k*ll me now.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, Marianne.
Oh my God, I can't wait to
decorate for this party.
It's gonna be so much fun.
Yay, I know.
I'm so excited for it.
I'm Liz.
(scoffs) Gag me.
Ugh.
Yeah, I'm excited for the party, babe.
I know you're gonna be great.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, Nichols is my boy,
and he don't lie like that fucker Seth.
He f*cking sucks.
Ooh, ooh.
'Nam flashback, 'Nam flashback.
I'm just kidding, y'all.
I, I, I was never in 'Nam.
So who else coming to this party?
'Cause Annie's coming
over and we have plans.
Oh my dear sis, mom and dad are gone.
So this party is going
to be going all night.
Oh!
Nichols!
Oh!
Go wolves!
Well, I'll tell you what,
we'll just stay in my room.
Try to keep it down please.
Hey.
Me again, Liz.
You should like totally
hang out with us and party.
We can do our makeup, get ready together.
Liz.
I got like pink streamers and pink balloons
and we got all kinds of lights.
And we also got those
little attachable earrings
that are glow sticks and glow jewelry.
It all looks so cute.
I would rather travel the depths of hell
than to spend an hour
with a bunch of community college preps.
You know?
I think that's a maybe.
Yeah, yeah, maybe.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
Maybe, maybe.
Hell yeah, brother.
Hell yeah, brother.
(door clicks)
(Marianne sighs)
Ah.
I hate parties.
How am I supposed to do this
with a party going on tonight?
Stupid parties.
And I hate Liz.
Do I wanna go to the party?
No.
Maybe.
Wait.
I don't know.
(upbeat music)
(woman vocalizing)
I'll make you love
I'll make you love
(woman vocalizing)
I'll make you love
I'll make you love
(knuckles tapping)
Go away.
(knuckles tapping)
Leave me alone.
(knuckles tapping)
Oh, what the hell?
(ominous music)
(door clicks)
What?
Hello?
I'm Jack the Ripper, bitch.
You bitch.
Shut up.
Ra, ra, ra, ra.
(Marianne groaning)
(door bangs)
(Marianne groaning)
You got me.
Well, I guess since you're dead now,
I can have your mystery
package when it arrives, huh?
I mean, technically you can take it,
but you won't have it for long.
Oh yeah, and why is that?
Well, you popped up on the cameras outside.
Your fingerprints are all over the Kn*fe
and you have a motive.
My motive?
What would that be?
Well, hon, isn't it obvious?
You're obsessed with me.
Oh, M, you got me.
I'm totally obsessed.
So did your package arrive yet?
You just asked me that
on the phone earlier.
It's been hours.
Holy sh*t, how should I sleep that long?
You must be really tired, M.
Yeah, I guess so.
So same question still remains.
Did it show up?
Not yet, but it'll be here soon.
I paid for confirmed delivery on this date.
It's literally the last day of the year.
You really waited until
the last minute, right?
It was the quickest shipping I could get.
So be real with me.
All I know is that you
ordered some rare item
off the internet or something.
You are not gonna believe this.
(suspenseful music)
(clears throat) For sale.
Rare items from the infamous
m*rder house in Amityville.
Once the site of numerous
murders, hauntings,
and other unexplained phenomena
before being demolished,
Randall Auctions now gives you the chance
to own a piece of the property.
Why are you interested in
something from Amityville?
Well, normally I wouldn't be interested
in any of that Amityville nonsense.
But you know my friend Tony?
Yeah, the collector dude.
Yeah, well, he went to this auction
to get some old grandfather
clock or something,
but when he got there,
some architect had already snagged it.
And?
Well, he started looking around
and he found this really weird box
with the Kn*fe in it.
Guess what's special about the Kn*fe?
I don't know, M.
Is it haunted or something?
It'd belonged to Jack the Ripper.
The Jack the Ripper?
Like Jack the object of
your obsession Ripper?
Yes, Annie, my dear, the Jack The Ripper.
The original serial k*ller.
Wow.
That's awesome.
So that must be like a
super rare artifact, huh?
I wonder why it was at
the auction at Amityville.
Honestly, no clue.
Something about the old owner
was a collector of odd items
and you know that was before he.
(tongue clicks)
What?
He d*ed?
Yep.
k*lled himself.
Blamed it on the house.
The city just demolished the house
and sold off all the items.
Family didn't want anything.
Wait, so how does Tony know
that this is the actual Kn*fe
that Jack the Ripper used?
Well, Tony used to be
about the Ripper lifestyle,
like myself, before he moved
to Tinseltown to make movies.
So he knew details that
the auction house didn't.
They had no idea what they had.
So how does this play into
our plans for tonight?
No way, Marianne.
Yep.
We are going to communicate
with Jack the Ripper.
Holy sh*t.
Oh my God.
It's gonna be insane.
Now I understand why you were so worried
about your brother's party.
How are we gonna pull this off?
We're just gonna have to do it in here
and lock the door so nobody can disturb us.
You know, we only have one
chance if this is real.
I know, I've read the books.
The seance has to start directly
at the fall of nightly
at the point of darkness
on the night before.
No, dammit it.
I still f*cked it up.
The seance says a start
directly at the moment
of full darkness at the night before new,
what the f*ck is happening?
The seance says to start
directly at the moment
of full darkness the night before
a new lunar year with
an original touched item
from the individual.
Okay, okay, I'm in.
But you know, we can't tell your brother
or his friends anything about this, right?
Oh, not at all.
They'd interfere and ruin everything.
We'll just go to the party and
act like nothing's going on.
Let's not raise suspicion.
Exactly.
We act excited, but we're really not.
Oh, of course not.
I hate parties and I hate people.
Especially those people.
Maybe we should get dressed up,
you know blend in a little bit.
That makes sense.
We should definitely do that.
I'll hate it though.
Yeah, me too. (laughs)
(fast tempo electronic music)
Hell yeah.
We are totally gonna scare
off the college normies.
I thought we weren't going to the party.
Well, I mean, we can't let
our looks go to the waste.
We look f*cking amazing.
Okay, but we do the seance first.
Deal?
What exactly are you hoping
to achieve with this seance?
Like, do you really think
that we're gonna communicate
with Jack the Ripper?
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
You know, I love you and
you're my best friend,
and I'll do anything for
you, but I just don't.
(doorbell ringing)
Do you think that's it?
I have no clue.
Let's go look.
(door clicks)
(whimsical music)
Man, I cannot believe that there's not a DJ
that specializes in Sugar Ray.
(upbeat music)
Ugh, looks like an eight
year old's birthday party
in here.
You're so funny, Marianne.
This is horrendous.
I hate all of it.
Looks like confetti exploded in here.
Oh, hey ladies.
Check it out, Nichols.
The balloon's my cock. (laughs)
Ah, nice, it was the mailman.
Yes.
(door bangs)
(door clicks)
Okay, we need to get this out of this box.
Didn't that paper say not to do that?
I mean, you don't actually believe
that letter though, do you?
After all the books that we've read
and everything that's led us to this point,
you wouldn't believe that piece of paper?
Annie, cut it out.
It's a movie.
This is what we're supposed to be doing.
This is what you want us to do, right?
Okay, count me in.
Let's find a way to open this case.
Right, I think I have a
hammer in here somewhere.
In this drawer that was already open.
Um, M.
This box feels kind of weird.
What do you mean weird?
Like cold static.
Like cold static.
I don't know how else to explain it.
It's just how it feels.
You know, the friend who found this for me
says that he feels like every item
that comes out of the Amityville house
imbued with the power of that place.
Really?
Really.
I'm sorry, wait, I can't, sorry.
It's just too funny.
Come on, Marianne.
Be serious.
Did he really say that?
Yeah, he really did.
But I mean, come on,
you can't believe that.
Of course I do.
Everything that happened in
the Amityville house was true.
And can you just imagine if
this Kn*fe of Jack the Ripper's
became imbued with the power
of the Amityville house?
It'd be like we had some
sort of Amityville ripper
on our hands.
True, but I think that's kind of the point.
I'm pretty sure that the name of this movie
is "Amityville Ripper".
Really?
I think so.
Kind of a shitty name.
Is this movie called "Amityville Ripper"?
Anyone?
Ah, thank you.
Yeah, see "Amityville Ripper".
At least it's marketable, I guess.
Okay, well, let's try to find
a way to open this thing.
Sweet.
Let's get ready.
Actually, wait, let's,
let's light some candles
and get that board ready
before we do this.
Good idea.
Montage?
We just did one.
Is that cool?
Sure, it's cool.
The director loves montages, right?
Yeah.
Hell yeah, I'm in.
All right.
(heavy metal music)
All right, that's the last one.
Sweet.
Let's get this thing started.
(horn honking)
I guess the party's about to start.
Yeah.
Do you want to go check it out?
We should go scope it out,
make an appearance at least,
and then afterwards we
can come back up here
and have our own little party
with Mr. Jack the Ripper.
Hell yeah, let's go.
Okay.
(door clicks)
(Jack laughing)
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
Oh, there are a lot more
people here than I expected.
Yeah, this is actually a really big party.
Where's Nichols?
There she is.
Here you go, girly.
Thank you, Liz.
Where's yours?
I can't drink beer.
Are you kidding me?
I'm the head cheerleader.
I have to stay fit.
I can't put that poison into my body.
It's a temple, you know?
They say that.
Who said that?
You're so funny.
Thank you for the beer.
Well, it wasn't my idea.
The director wrote it into the script.
But you're welcome.
Whoa, whoa!
Woo.
Yeah!
Hell yeah, bro.
How the hell did you do that sh*t, man?
I, I don't know.
That was f*cking awesome.
It was like I was seeing an angel, dog.
You were that angel chugging
that vodka right there.
When I saw you doing
that, man, you touched me.
My heart and my balls, made 'em tingle.
It felt good.
Now I'm a little confused.
Okay.
What the f*ck was that?
You wouldn't understand, sis.
Okay, well, Annie and I are
gonna be in my room for a bit.
Make sure no one comes in there, okay?
Um, is this gay stuff?
Oh my God, Nichols, you're making me blush.
Cut that sh*t out. No,
we're not doing gay stuff.
What the f*ck?
I'm your sister.
Wow.
Wait, I thought, you
were like my stepsister
this whole time.
I thought I was like your sister sister.
This whole time I thought
you were like my stepsister.
Wait a minute, are y'all saying sister
like, like black people say sister?
Like sister, like what's up sister?
How you doing sister?
I thought they were talking about that show
with the twins Tia and Tamara.
That's a good show.
Yeah, it is.
Bobby, am I his sister
sister or his stepsister?
Uh, I really didn't think about it.
Um, I guess you're his stepsister.
Fine, still weird, but you're the director.
No, we're not doing gay sh*t.
We're doing schoolwork.
(laughs) Yeah, schoolwork.
Hey.
Hey.
What?
Can't keep doing that.
Doing what?
Pulling me away
every time I try to talk to him.
To Nichols?
Yes to Nichols.
I kind of dig that dude
and I think he digs me.
Plus the script says you're
supposed to eventually be okay
with me liking him anyway so.
Yeah, but that doesn't happen
for like 11 more pages.
Couldn't we just do it now
and save us both the headache?
Can we do it now?
Yeah, nothing has stopped you so far.
Do whatever you want, I guess.
Is it okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
Can we get to the seance?
(body thuds)
Oh my f*cking God.
I'm so sorry it was an accident.
I don't even know why
Liz is so nice to you.
You're both just a couple of freaks.
She's not worth it.
She dies in a few pages anyway.
I guess I need to go shower
since I'm all soaked.
Don't get too excited.
There's no nudity.
What's wrong, daddy?
Dammit.
Damn, dude, you scared the sh*t outta me.
My pecker went up in me.
I scared your wiener up in you.
What?
Yeah, it, it went up in me.
Like your own, uh?
Uh.
Cock?
Yeah, you know, like
when a turtle gets scared
and it goes in the shell,
that's my pecker right now.
It might not never come out.
Yeah, it's an innie right now.
It's just balls.
Okay.
How, how's that even happening?
So first time it happened,
I was like seven or eight,
maybe, a little, little
foggy memory for me.
You know, traumatic.
Yeah.
I tried to block it out.
I saw this big pit bull dog running at me
from down the street.
The kids that owned it were mean to it.
So I knew it was coming from my ass.
And I felt my pecker
just retract inside me.
It went ooh.
And I had a innie just like that.
It didn't come out for days.
I was scared shitless of that dog.
Damn.
And that's how I found out
Santa Claus wasn't real.
Look we're way off script here.
And I'm, I'm frustrated.
Dammit, if you're frustrated,
I'm frustrated too.
You wanna sit on my lap?
Is that in the script?
Um, no, I don't see it
in the script anywhere.
Ryan might be improvising.
Just do it.
Okay, I don't understand
how this fits in this story,
but okay.
Come on.
Ooh, yeah.
We gotta get in there.
In where?
My sister's, step stepsister's room.
Why?
Because I know they're doing
gay stuff in there, man.
Like they're naked.
You know, we, we wanna see that stuff.
Yeah, dude, you're probably right.
Yeah.
I got a strong gaydar
and it's never off.
Yeah.
And they could be bi.
Hell yeah, bro.
And we wanna see that.
What's, what we can do is
we're gonna circle back
and there's a window.
We'll go to the window and then we'll look
through the window.
Uh-huh.
And then we'll see the gay stuff.
Yeah, they're probably playing
with each other's boobies.
Yeah.
All right, let's do that.
Let's go.
Come on.
Nichols.
What the hell, bro?
Nichols my guy, where you at?
Dude?
What the f*ck, dude?
Nichols!
Oh, dammit.
Holy sh*t, dude.
Oh.
Did you tally whacker go back in you?
It never left.
Let's go see some gay stuff, buddy.
Let's do it.
How'd we get you in here?
I don't know, man.
I just got here.
f*ck it, let's go out the front door.
Okay.
Do you have the locks on?
Nah, man, they're unlocked.
Okay.
Put your back into it.
Come on.
(Nichols grunting)
Is that all you got?
The lock's on.
(whimsical music)
(upbeat music)
It is time.
Are you ready?
I think so.
There's been so much buildup
to this and now it's time.
What if it doesn't work?
Holy sh*t, but what if it does work?
(whimsical music)
(insects chirping)
Why are you in this thing anyway?
Uh, first I was supposed to be in
like a motorized cart or something,
but the director couldn't find one.
So here I am in this janky ass wheelchair.
Okay, but why even be in a
motorized cart to begin with?
Oh, yeah, I forgot that part.
I'm supposed to have a
broke leg or something.
Remember, we're football players.
That makes no sense.
None of this sh*t makes sense, man.
Like how can we see them?
Oh, sh*t.
You can see them too?
Thank God, I thought I was tripping, homie.
We can all see them.
So what the hell is this, dude?
I thought I was just acting in a movie.
Brother, it's an Amityville sequel.
sh*t's different here.
So what do we do?
No one really knows, man.
You just make your way
through it, see what happens,
try to remember the script.
That's f*cking weird, dude.
I'm just happy to be working.
Right, let's do this.
Let's do it.
(insects chirping)
What do you see, man?
Are they scissoring?
I can't really see.
I bet you anything they're scissoring.
(Marianne speaking in foreign language)
Oh sh*t, I think she's gonna sacrifice
and k*ll that goth girl or something.
What do you think we should do, bro?
I have to save her. Come on.
That goth girl's totally
gonna gimme a BJ after this.
Hell yeah, dude.
There's no way she won't.
You're totally right.
(Marianne speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
I must have done something wrong.
I don't, I don't understand.
Uh, M.
It's happening.
Do it!
(hammer thuds)
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
That was short lived.
What happened?
Hey, where have you guys been? Let's party.
My sister's trying to
sacrifice Annie to the devil
and we have to stop it.
Get Chapman.
I thought this movie was supposed
to be about Jack the Ripper and Amityville.
I don't even know anymore, dude.
I think we're supposed to go too.
Come on!
Well, I guess we can try again next year.
I just don't understand.
I did everything like the book said.
M, you bought that book from
the Scholastic Book Fair
when we were kids.
I guess you're right.
So is that the end of the movie then?
Please don't, don't k*ll the objective,
objectively hot goth girl.
Yeah, what he said.
She's way too hot to die.
What the f*ck?
Get out.
You can't k*ll her and I won't allow it
and I'm not gonna fight you on it.
No, bro, don't do it.
So k*ll me instead.
Yeah, nobody's trying to k*ll me.
What's up with that hammer then?
And that weird Kn*fe in the box?
Yeah, and what about that Ouija board?
I'm sure he was just gonna say that,
but you know, I wanted to interject too.
Yeah, what's up with all that?
And why aren't y'all doing all
gay stuff and finger banging
and scissoring and all that?
Yeah, why aren't y'all lezzing out?
(sighs) Okay, look, that Kn*fe
was from Jack the Ripper.
We were trying to hold a
seance to communicate with him.
Fortunately it didn't work
and just created a big mess.
I think that's a g*dd*mn lie.
That's right, that's right.
What he said.
Got a weird feeling that
they ain't even gay, bro.
Well, I can help you clean
up the mess if you want.
I don't mind.
I don't want your help.
I don't even want you here.
What are you a moron?
I'm not a moron actually.
I'm just trying to be nice.
If you don't want my help, then fine.
But I'm just trying to be your friend.
Okay, I am sorry I might've been a little.
(heavy metal music)
Well, I guess I'm back.
(Nichols screaming)
(Nichols panting)
(door bangs)
(Jack laughing)
(thunder rumbling)
(ominous music)
(upbeat music)
Everybody, you have to get out now.
(record scratches)
You have to leave.
You're in danger.
She's telling the truth.
You're all gonna die tonight.
We accidentally brought back
the ghost of Jack the Ripper
and he's imbued with the
power of the Amityville house.
(group laughing)
(upbeat music)
Dammit, all of these people are extras.
They haven't even read the script.
They have no idea.
(bell rings)
Ding, light bulb.
Okay, everybody split up and convince
as many people as possible.
Split up in a horror movie?
Uh, I think I live so let's do it.
Well do I live?
I didn't read the script.
No, seriously do I live?
Okay, let's meet back here ASAP.
sh*t.
Freaking idiots spilling beer on,
well, let's be quite honest,
the hottest person here.
Even sticky from the beer,
I'm still freaking hot.
(water splashing)
(upbeat music)
Oh my.
(air whooshing)
(fingers squeak)
Open the door.
(Catherine screaming)
London bridge is falling down
Falling down, falling down
London bridge is falling down
My fair lady
(body thuds)
Jack is back, baby.
Woo hoo!
Dude, you have to get out.
Yes, get out.
There's a Kn*fe and a ripper and-
You're gonna die.
Tall person.
You, you-
Come back.
Yeah, can I get a large
pepperoni delivered?
Hey, you guys have to get out of here.
There's some guy on the loose.
Come on, get off the phone.
I'm being serious.
No.
This is not the time for pizza.
I thought it was always time for pizza.
Am I right?
I could take a break for pizza.
I mean extra cheese, mushrooms,
pepperoni, pineapple.
Nah, you gotta get some
olives on there, man.
Extra black olives.
Of course we're gonna get black olives.
Little balsamic glaze.
Mm-hmm.
Get out now.
Go.
Go.
Anyway, we gotta get out of here.
Hell yeah.
Have you guys had any luck?
Not much.
No one believes us.
Because all of these Amityville sequels
have gotten so outlandish.
(record scratches)
Well, what are we gonna do?
Wait, I have an idea.
Let's use the script.
The script?
Yeah, I mean, none of us
know the script very well
because, well, the
director decided to give it
to us at the last minute.
So let's just see what
we're supposed to be doing.
You know that's not a bad idea.
Can you tell me if I die
while you got that thing?
Uh, sure.
Um, nope.
Uh, looks like you're good.
You make it.
Hell yeah, man.
I knew Bobby would never
k*ll a guy in a wheelchair.
So what's it say?
What are we supposed to be doing?
Here we are, party scene.
Oh, sh*t.
Huh?
That cheerleader girl d*ed
in the bathroom last scene.
Catherine.
(sighs) See if you guys
would've been lezzing out
like we thought you were.
None of this would be happening,
but no, you guys gotta be spooky
'cause you listen to Baha or whatever.
Uh, yeah, Catherine from
the looks of her lines,
she's pretty full of herself too.
Yeah, it's true.
She's hot or was hot.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Come on, let's go to the
bathroom and see if this is true.
(ominous music)
(water splashing)
Hello?
Is someone in the shower?
Catherine.
Cat, it's Liz.
Are you okay?
Oh, sh*t.
Oh, my God.
Carved her up.
Holy sh*t.
Are you naked?
What?
I just wanna know if she's
got big old mommy milkers.
You guys know I like big titty breasts.
Valid question.
I like mommy milkers.
(ominous music)
(insects chirping)
(heavy metal)
(muffled singing)
(muffled singing)
(car door clicks)
Hey.
Whoa, dude, that costume is f*cking tight.
I love Dracula, dude.
Dracula, mate?
Yeah, is that not a Dracula costume?
Of course it is not.
I am Jack the Ripper.
Nah, dude.
That's a Dracula costume from Amazon.
Bobby.
Yeah.
Is this a Dracula costume from Amazon?
Yeah, but it's basically
the same thing, man.
It's fine.
Bobby, I thought we were
going for screen accuracy.
Dude, I did what I could with what we had.
You know, SRS movies are low budget.
What I need to do is
go get my pickup truck,
I need to go back to the
house 'cause I'm tired.
But for this one time, last time,
I'm gonna do this amateurish junk for you.
Fine, just finish the scene please.
All right.
Did you order a pizza?
I guess it does look pretty good.
(Jack screams)
Bollix!
It's hot!
You gotta let that sh*t cool
before you dig in, little brony.
One moment, mate.
I think I got something for
you right around the corner.
This movie sucks.
I can have a piece of this
after we're done, right?
Excuse me, good sir.
Could you come over here please?
We can make it snappy little bro.
But I gotta rewatch "Dawson
Creek" season three finale
and you know, come on.
(ominous music)
(laughs) Dude, you're wild.
You can't cut pizza with a chainsaw, man.
Chainsaw.
I like it.
Yeah, it's a chainsaw.
And you can't cut pizza with a chainsaw.
Listen here, old chap, this
chainsaw ain't for the pizza.
It's for you.
Hey dude, if you don't
have the money, no sweat.
Like I'll just be going home like.
(Jack laughing)
(Jack laughing)
(body thuds)
Well, I guess that pizza was half off.
Guys, we like totally
have to call the police.
I agree.
But it's not like we can just call them
and tell them that we
brought back Jack the Ripper
with the power of the Amityville house.
(Chapman laughing)
We can't tell them that.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
Okay, I got it.
Someone gimme a phone.
(phone beeps)
(phone ringing)
You've reached 911.
If your emergency related
to ongoing reports of UFOs,
please press one.
Otherwise, stay on the line.
UFOs?
911, what's your emergency?
(Nichols clears throat)
Yeah, I got these, these
kids and they're partying
and I want you to send
someone over to get them out.
Okay, sir.
I'll send an officer right away, okay?
Yeah.
Thank you, thank you so much.
God bless.
Yes sir, thank you.
Next time use non, go away.
Hell yeah, I f*cking k*lled that sh*t.
Hell yeah, dog.
That was f*cking so smart, man.
You're the, you're the best.
You know I love you.
You know, you're so beautiful.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
What does the script say?
(screen whooshing)
Let's see.
I say, I think we should just
stay in here and lock the door
until the police arrive.
Then Nichols says, I
think that's a good idea.
Let's stay put.
That sounds nothing like
something that I would say.
I actually do not think
that we should do that.
Yeah, man, f*ck that idea.
sh*t is dumb.
This f*cking script sucks.
It has zero character development.
Just skip ahead and see what happens.
Can we do that?
No, you can't do that.
You guys are f*cking up this movie.
We're on page 62 and
none of you are dead yet.
I thought I didn't die.
Of course you die.
You're in a wheelchair, you're gonna die.
f*ck.
First of all, this idea sucks.
This script sucks and you, Mr. Director,
are the reason why this movie
sucks in the first place.
You guys would stop going off script,
we'd be fine.
You know, I didn't f*cking
even read the g*dd*mn script.
Let's just finish this sh*t
and I, I'm taking this script.
Figure it out.
Action.
I think we should just stay in here
and lock the door until the police arrive.
I think that's a good idea. Let's stay put.
(police radio chattering)
(insects chirping)
(doorbell ringing)
(radio static crackling)
(doorbell ringing)
(water splashing)
That must be the police.
Okay, we have to get out there
before they leave.
Come on everybody.
We have to be careful though.
Jack the Ripper is still out there.
Yep.
(insects chirping)
39th Glenridge Avenue.
(police radio chattering)
Dispatch, I'm out at that college party.
Something's going on.
It's weird.
I'm gonna need some backup out here.
We don't have the people at the moment.
You know that.
I can feel it in my gut.
Something is seriously wrong out here.
Dammit, Reed.
Everyone is all over the town
investigating these UFO calls.
We don't have anybody.
Well, I'm telling you, you
guys are gonna be very sorry
when you don't come out here
and help me save the one brain
cell amoebas at this party.
Something is bad wrong, guys.
Guess I gotta do it myself.
Reed out.
(radio clicks)
But first I gotta put these
bad boys in sport mode.
(upbeat music)
Sport mode.
(door clicks)
(door creaking)
Dammit, where's the cop?
Oh, come on, this feels off.
Yeah, let's go call 'em again.
Wait, I thought somebody ordered pizza.
(door creaking)
(ominous music)
(door bangs)
What he f*ck was that?
Yeah, what the hell?
Open it.
I can't.
I don't know.
(knuckles pounding)
Police, open up!
Officer, the door's stuck.
It won't open.
Someone's already dead.
There's, there's a k*ller on the loose.
Please help us.
Guys, get back.
I'm gonna try to bust it in, okay?
(door banging)
(Reed grunting)
You know what?
Stay safe.
I'm gonna go around and
try to get in the back.
(doorknob jiggling)
f*ck!
It's okay, we'll be safe.
The cop will save us.
I don't think that's what
she was thinking about.
Okay, well if she's not worried about that,
then what's the problem?
If I remember the script correctly,
it's about to get much worse.
Wait, how much worse?
(ominous music)
(Kn*fe slashing)
(body thuds)
(body whooshing)
(Kn*fe slashes)
(Kn*fe slashing)
No one can escape.
They're working together.
Who's working together, Marianne?
The power of the Amityville
house is trapping them
while Jack the Ripper kills everyone.
(ominous music)
(DJ groaning)
(Kn*fe slashes)
What the hell we going to do?
Yeah, what do we do?
We have to get out of here.
(ominous music)
(Kn*fe slashing)
(Kn*fe slashing)
Now's the time, run.
(air whooshing)
Get outta the way, M.
(Jack laughing)
(sword thuds)
(blood splashing)
(Jack laughing)
(Jack laughing)
Whoo!
(ominous music)
(insects chirping)
I've gotta get in there.
(ominous music)
Oh God.
Dude, push me behind something, man.
Hide me. I'm out here in the open.
Where are we gonna put you behind?
f*ck, why'd the director put
me in this damn wheelchair?
Throw that, throw that
camouflage blanket over me, man.
He won't see me under that.
He's definitely gonna
see you with that on you.
What do you mean it's camo?
How's it gonna hide you?
It's camo.
This works every time, bro.
f*ck.
Dammit.
Can you tell it's me under here, bro?
No, no, we can't tell it's you.
(Jack laughing)
(Chapman whimpering)
I've never been this
scared in my whole life.
(Chapman whimpering)
We never should have came to this house.
Shut up.
(fart squelching)
Ooh. (whimpering)
That made it so much worse.
Shut up.
(door creaking)
(Jack whistling)
(Nichols grunting)
Don't worry, mate.
No phone calls here.
(Kn*fe slashing)
(ominous music)
(body thuds)
Hey Chap, let me tell you,
knives have gotten a
lot better since my day.
Ginsu.
Oh, he must have been an
exceptionally talented young man.
(Chapman whimpering)
(door thuds)
(suspenseful music)
(Chapman shrieks)
(fart squelching)
Camo baby, gotta love it.
Woo. (laughs)
(brooding music)
(door clicks)
Annie, no, I can't believe she's dead.
What have I done?
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
It's okay Marianne.
Oh, sh*t!
I'm here for you.
Oh my God, Liz, can't believe you're alive.
Annie, she's dead.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
But we're dead too if we
don't get out of here.
What do we do?
Well, the cop is outside.
We know that.
We just have to get out
of this house somehow.
We could try the windows.
(energy humming)
(energy crackling)
It won't budge.
Keep trying.
We're wasting time.
The power of Amityville is too strong.
Wait, I have an idea.
If we can just get the
officer's attention somehow,
she has a g*n.
She can sh**t the lock off or something.
We don't even know where she is.
True.
There's more windows in the living room.
If we can just make it there,
I'm sure she'll see us.
You can do this.
We can make it.
I just, I really wanna
make it into this sequel
and honestly,
I don't remember what
happens to me in that script.
Your final girl material, Marianne.
I have a feeling you're
coming back for part two.
Okay, Liz, let's both
come back for part two.
Hell, yeah.
(door clicks)
(playful ominous music)
Oh man, let me see.
What the f*ck can I reach from this angle?
I'm thirsty.
Got some old Mexican food in there.
I wonder how long that's been in there?
What in the f*ck is that?
That ain't natural.
Hell yeah.
f*cking love apple juice, man.
If I could get this straw in here.
I never was too good at these.
Goddammit.
Hey, thanks man.
Always had a little of a
struggle with those things.
Hey, it's good to see somebody.
Hey, mate.
Goddammit.
Hey, I gotta do some improv here,
but I don't have anything.
f*ck, f*ck.
What the f*ck?
Bobby, what the f*ck, man?
Can I borrow this?
(straw thuds)
(Chapman groaning)
(blood splashing)
(Jack laughing)
(lips smacking)
(Jack laughing)
(Jack laughing)
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
Oh, hey, Liz.
I'm really sorry for being
such a bitch to you by the way.
You've been nothing but nice to me.
You don't have to apologize.
It's fine.
You know that.
I know, but the director said
that I need to clear up any disdain
between us before the end of the movie so.
Disdain?
Sorry, his words not mine.
I figure.
Let's make it out of here alive together.
We will, I know it.
Hey, wasn't your friend Annie
and my boyfriend Nichols
supposed to get together
before the end of the movie?
Good point.
What happened with that?
I forgot about it.
Makes sense I guess.
(ominous music)
(insects chirping)
Ladies, ladies, come here.
Come here.
sh**t the glass.
Get us out of here.
I can't sh**t the window out.
My b*ll*ts won't break glass.
What good is that?
I don't know.
It's those stupid UFOs, all the reports.
They're scared we're gonna
sh**t their glass ships down
and start a w*r of the worlds.
UFOs and aliens don't exist.
I mean technically neither
does Amityville or a
reincarnated Jack the Ripper
but it's a movie.
Yeah, it is a movie.
And well, anything can happen
except me sh**ting that f*cking window out.
I'm so confused.
Then how do we get out of here?
Meet me at the back and I
can sh**t the doorknob off.
So you can sh**t a doorknob off
but you can't sh**t at the glass.
It's what the script says.
You ready to wrap this movie?
I was ready like 78 pages ago.
I was hired for SFX and catering.
I have no clue what the f*ck
is even going on anymore.
Weird.
Just meet me at the back door
and let's get out of here.
Come on, the faster we wrap this up,
the faster we can call it a day.
Yeah.
(ominous music)
(hand tapping)
He's behind you.
(fast tempo piano music)
Behind you.
(fast tempo piano music)
(ominous music)
He's behind you.
f*ck.
(g*n bangs)
(door clicks)
He's behind you.
(fast tempo piano music)
(ominous music)
(insects chirping)
(Marianne grunts)
sh*t.
(playful music)
(g*n banging)
(g*n thuds)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
(light humming)
(light humming)
(ship whirring)
What the f*ck just happened?
Yeah, I definitely didn't
read this part of the script.
I think I'm done with
Amityville movies forever.
Yeah.
f*ck Amityville and f*ck Jack the Ripper.
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
(ship whooshing)
That last earth cow seemed
lighter than the others.
So maybe it's a skinny one.
No, this is different.
Did you pick up something else?
Of course not.
No way.
I've been doing this job
longer than you have.
Why do you always question me?
The numbers do not lie.
I ran a scan in the ship
detects an additional life form.
The ship is wrong then 'cause I didn't.
But even if I did, we're fine.
I'm sure.
(alarm ringing)
(ship rattling)
(blade clangs)
[Alien and Alien 2] Oh, sh*t.
(Jack laughing)
(upbeat music)
In London, when you'd walk the street
A melancholy man you'd meet
Approaching you on silent feet
Just head to toe in black
He cuts your throat from ear to ear
And in the dark he disappear
without a trace in any place
And all he left behind was fear
And no one knows just who he was
They never caught his track
They never knew where he would
be or where he would att*ck
Oh whisper in the dead of night
A shadow dressed in black
And no one knows just who he was
But you can call him Jack
He'd have his homicidal fits
By chopping women into bits
He'd even cut off both
their arms and legs
And ears and kidneys
And he'd throw them in a sack
And when the hue and cry would cease
He'd send the piece to the police
Which made it hard for Scotland Yard
Who never got a moment's peace
And no one knows just who he was
They never caught his track
They never knew where he would be
Or when he would att*ck
A whisper in my dead of night
A shadow dressed in black
And no one knows just who he was
But you can call him Jack
And though they searched and sought
The ripper he was never caught
So let me leave you with a thought
Someday he will be back
Be careful he may find you
when fog and darkness blind you
It even might be movie night
when he creeps up behind you
(Jack laughing)
And no one knows just who he was
They never caught his track
He's been a little quiet,
but he's picking up the slack
I've got a souvenir of him
Can't wait to show you what it is
It's very sharp
It's very long
It makes me feel alive and strong
And no one knows who wrote this song
But you can call me Jack
La, la, la, la, la
But you can call me Jack
La, la, la, la, la
But you can call me jack
La, la, la, la, la
But you can call me Jack
(ominous music)
(Jack whistling)
(Jack laughing)