Max, I want
to show you
something.
Don't act
surprised.
[ Shouts ]
oh no, it's her!
- What is it, max?
- It's tanya.
They've got your picture
plastered all over the early
morning paper.
Oh, you see?
That's
your glorious
free press
You're always
boasting about.
Where is your
maximum security
now, mr. Smart?
She's right, max.
We cannot adequately
protect miss lupescu
In a public hotel.
Don't be
ridiculous,
chief.
I've checked
this hotel a
dozen times.
I'm telling you
it's absolutely
safe.come on.
We'd like
to register,
please.
Don't move.
He has a g*n.
What do we do now,
mr. Smart?
It's all right,
he won't sh**t,
Not as long as
the cashier who
is one of our men
Has a g*n trained
on his back.
I know that, but
the bellboy has a g*n
leveled at the cashier.
Look, it's
all right
Because agent 41
the chambermaid
Has the drop
on the bellboy.
And since I've never
trusted the chambermaid,
Agent 48
the elevator operator
has the chambermaid
covered.
It's a standoff.
What is that?
Everybody's
afraid to sh**t
For fear
he himself
will be shot.
Consequently,
no one gets hurt.
Let's get
miss lupescu
out of here.
- [ g*nsh*t blasts ]
- [ body thumps ]
- [ g*ns blasting ]
- [ bodies thumping ]
Of course,
in a situation
like this
All it takes
is one wise guy.
[ theme music playing ]
This meeting of kaos
is now in session.
Order of business--
The liquidation
of tanya lupescu.
So far you have
failed miserably.
She is still alive
And in the custody
of the control
organization.
If she is
allowed to live
She will be able
to identify in court
Several of our top...
"Executives."
Since you are
all such bunglers
I have sent for
one of our most
talented agents
To perform
the delicate task
Of eliminating
miss lupescu.
That man
Is alexei sebastian.
Max, our experience
this morning proves
one thing--
It's just too difficult
to protect miss lupescu
in a public hotel.
- It takes
too many agents.
- You're right, chief.
We've got more men
in hotels than
conrad hilton.
[ Chuckles ]
I think I've got
something worked out.
See this location
I have marked off?
It has front,
back and side exits
for extreme mobility.
A minimum number of agents
can be planted to give it
maximum security.
It's two minutes
from the courthouse
And it's got a
communications setup
- Directly to control
headquarters.
- That's perfect.
Where is it,
chief?
- It's your apartment.
- My apartment.
- My apartment?!
- Yes.
Chief, I can't take
a girl to my apartment.
What will
the neighbors say?
There's
no alternative, max.
Besides, it's so obvious
it's the last place kaos
would think of looking.
But chief, it's
a bachelor apartment.
Do you know what it's like
to have stockings all over
the shower rod
And clothes
all over the floor?
This is an order, 86.
Well, all right,
chief.
- But you'd better give me
an hour or so.
- What for?
Well, I've got to get
my stockings off
the shower rod
And my clothes
off the floor.
Max, you've got to gain
tanya lupescu's confidence.
First of all you've got to
impress her with the fact
That until she testifies,
her life is in great danger.
Also you've got to
find out anything else
she knows about kaos.
- Now here's our
procedure--
- wait a minute, chief.
Isn't this top security?
Yes.
Well...
Shouldn't we activate
the cone of silence?
Max, I've been having
A little mechanical
difficulty with it
lately, and i--
Don't be ridiculous,
chief.the whole thing
is so simple.
All you have to do
is press this button
and turn this lever
- All the way
to the right.
- [ machine hums ]
- Now here's our plan--
- hold it, chief.
Okay, go ahead.
All right.
First,
You take tanya
to your apartment.
Make sure you're
not being followed,
Except,
of course--
By our own men.
Meanwhile,
I will take 99,
Disguised as tanya,
to a commercial hotel.
We'll register 99
and we'll sneak her
out of the hotel,
Making sure that some
of our men stay behind
To guard her room
as a decoy.
Have you any
questions?
No, chief, I think
that just about
covers everything.
All right, tanya.
I think we can
relax now.
This apartment
is perfectly safe;
It's under
maximum security.
[ knock on door ]
Who is that?
I don't know.
How do you do?
I'm your mutual
insurance agent.
Oh, come right in.
Who is he?
Well, I'm not
quite sure yet.
Aha, just as
I thought.
He's my mutual
insurance agent.
All right, fella,
come on, let's go.
You've probably
got a lot of
calls to make.
I'm sorry
about that.
That's okay.
A lot of people
Feel that way
about insurance.
Well tanya, why don't
you just sit down and
relax for a while?
Thank you.
Now tanya,
I'm wondering,
Can you give me
any information
that might help us
In trying
to protect you?
What do you mean?
When our men
rescued you in europe
And brought you
over here, how long
were you a prisoner of kaos?
Almost a week.
Now during that time,
did you notice
anything
About their
method of operation
that might help us?
Yes, they left me alone
in one of their offices
for an hour one day.
I found their code book
and was able to memorize
their coding system.
Eh, do you consider
that important?
Important?
Are you kidding?
Why, we've been trying
to break their code
for years.
I don't suppose
you still remember it?
Of course I do.
The first vowel after
every second consonant
Is superimposed
on the vowel
Immediately preceding
it in the alphabet.
The first word after
every preposition,
If it is
not introduced
by an article or
A personal pronoun,
is inverted.
The letter t
stands for f
Except after e.
Js count for double.
the first number after
every second adverb
is the third digit
after a modifying
adjective.
Proper names and countries
equal the word "marmalade."
Is that it?
It's so simple.
No wonder we were never
able to crack that code.
That's the way
it always is--
It's right there
under your nose and
you never see it.
"Marmalade."
Of course.
And for two years we've
been working on jelly.
If that's all
for now, mr. Smart--
- Uh, maxwell.
- Maxwell--
I do think I would
like to get some rest.
Oh, most certainly, tanya,
but one thing first.
Now I don't want
to alarm you,
But just in case anybody
happens to break in here
I'd like to show you
a few tricks in
self-defense.
- Oh.
- Now the first
thing is this--
A telephone?
Watch very carefully.
You see this trigger here?
You merely
press this
And then
you dial 1-1-7.
[ b*llet
fires ]
That's very
ingenious!
Now I'm going
to attack you.
What?
Nothing to worry about.
Just a little judo.
Nobody will get hurt.
Except me.
Well, I hope you remember
what you did, tanya.
Are you all right?
Oh, yes, of course.
We're trained
to take falls.
You know, most of you
americans are so soft.
That's because you put
such unnecessary emphasis
on physical comfort
Like luxury or love.
Love?
Yes, love.
That's all you
seem to talk about--
About glamour, sex appeal,
about hugging and kissing.
Well that's not true, tanya.
I hardly ever talk about
those things.
Why, I haven't talked about
hugging or kissing in weeks.
- Mr. Smart--
- maxwell.
- Maxwell--
- max.
Max, could you
honestly tell me
That you don't think
about that right now?
That you would not
like to kiss me?
Well, uh--
Well, let's do it
and get it over with.
I will show you
how little it means.
[ Exhales ]
Well, I think I'd like
to unpack my room
If you'll just
show me to my bag.
Oh, max...
[ knock on door ]
Okay, max, everything's
going according to plan.
I'm going to
relieve you now
And you are to report
to the chief immediately.
It's--
It's an emergency.
Oh, this.well,
it's really nothing, 99.
I was just showing tanya
a little judo.
It must have been
pretty rough.
I think she
broke your lip.
That'll be all
for now, k-13.
Stand by for
further orders.
What's up, chief?
Thank you, fang.
It's trouble.
We've just found out
Where the threat
to tanya lupescu's
life will come from.
Alexei sebastian,
the master executioner
of kaos
Is reported
in this country.
Alexei sebastian?
Yes.
The man has never
failed an assignment.
No matter
how closely guarded
a subject may be,
Sebastian has always
managed to get to him
Through one of his
extraordinary disguises.
Come with me.
I want to show you
some slides, max.
Gee, chief, I hope it's
not your cumberland gap
trip again.
I just saw
that last week.
No, max.
Chief:
do you know who that is?
Of course.that's
senator farfam.
Wrong.that's
alexei sebastian.
Isn't that fred giles,
the tennis champion?
No, sebastian again.
Hmm, nice forehand.
Max, sebastian is so
dangerous we consider
him to be a 101.
A 101?
- sh**t on recognition?
- Right.
Oh, I know him.
That's johnny carson.
I watch his show
all the time.
Sebastian.
He did "the tonight show"
for two weeks before
they found out.
Oh, no, chief.
Not my aunt rose.
Yes, it's him again.
Gives you quite
a shock, doesn't it?
Not half as much
of a shock as it's
gonna give harry.
- Who's harry?
- My uncle.
Which one of
them is sebastian?
We still don't know.
Chief, that man
is absolutely fantastic.
How are we ever
gonna trap him?
Well, he has one
physical characteristic
that he can't conceal--
Weak eyes.
Weak eyes?
Yes, when exposed
to bright lights he
blinks excessively.
But if sebastian
can be all those people
Then he can
be anybody.
Why, he could be
one of us.
Gentlemen,
as we suspected,
They have taken
miss lupescu
To maxwell smart's
apartment.
The other girl
was just a decoy.
Now I have the pleasure
of introducing
The man who will be able
to penetrate their defenses
And k*ll miss lupescu.
Gentlemen,
The world's foremost
master of disguise--
alexei sebastian.
Well, anyway, chief, I think
we should strengthen our
security measures.
Absolutely.
But we'll need
a countersign
So that when I come to
your apartment later
to question tanya
We'll know we're not
speaking to impostors.
Just to be on the
safe side, chief,
Why don't we use
a double countersign?
Good idea.
Oh, here's a good one--
I'll say,
"the migrating birds
fly low over the sea."
You say,
"shadeless windows
admit no light."
Then I'll say,
"the wingless dove
protects his nest."
And you say,
"the toothless tiger
rules a restless jungle."
- Have you got that?
- Right, chief.
All right,
let's try it.
The migrating birds
fly low over the sea.
The restless jungle
admits no shades.
no, max, I have
the restless jungle.
You have the
shadeless windows
and the wingless doves.
Oh.i thought you had
the the wingless doves and
I had the shadeless...
No, max.
How about this for
a double countersign,
chief?
You say, "hello, max,"
and I say, "hi, chief,"
- And you say--
- smart!
It's on this card.
Memorize it.
And remember,
alexei sebastian can
impersonate anyone.
- Anyone?
- Anyone.
The only two we're
sure of are you and me.
There are three of us
in this room, chief.
- You mean--?
- Yes.
F-a-n-g.
Max, that's impossible.
Nothing is impossible
with sebastian.
Let's put him
to a little test.
[ Whimpers ]
That's fang
all right, chief.
No other secret agent
in the world can run
that fast.
Max:
99, we've got to
be extra careful.
Alexei sebastian
the master impersonator
Has been hired by
kaos to get tanya.
The man is incredible.
Why, he could be
impersonating anybody.
Right.
Chief called
just after you left
To make sure
everything
was all right.
How did you know
it was the chief?
He gave me
the double
countersign.
Oh.
What was it?
"Migrating birds
fly low over the sea."
"Shadeless windows
admit no light."
"the wingless dove
protects his nest."
And "the tiger rules
the restless jungle."
Wrong.
The toothless tiger.
Oh, maxie, I thought
I heard you come in.
I will be right down
after I take my shower.
I hope you don't mind
my borrowing your towel.
Well, to tell you the truth,
tanya, that's my
favorite towel.
you can use it...
...for a while.
Well, good night, 99.
Oh, I'm staying, max.
We can take turns
watching.
There's really
no need for that, 99.
I think I can handle
the situation.
I'm going to
make some coffee.
It's going to be
a long night.
That's all right, max.
I can make the coffee.
You seem to forget
that I'm a woman too.
Besides, remember the coffee
I made for you last week?
How about some tea?
I'll make
the coffee, 99.
[ knock on door ]
The migrating birds
fly low over the sea.
Shadeless windows
admit no light.
The wingless dove
protects his nest.
The toothless tiger
rules the restless jungle.
Chief, is it
really you?
Of course
it's me, 99.
Come on in.
I guess you want
to interrogate
our gay defector.
- That's right.
- Come on.she's upstairs.
- [ knocking on door ]
- 99, why don't you
answer the--
Oh, hi, chief.
Come on in.
I guess you're here
to question the girl.
That's right, max.
Uh, chief...
You forgot
the countersign.
The old countersign
or the new countersign?
New countersign?
Yes, I say, "apples,"
you say, "macintosh."
Oh.
Chief...
The countersign.
- Apples.
- Macintosh.
The girl's
upstairs, chief.
Max, would you
fix me a drink?
Oh sure, chief.
Come on over to the bar,
pick out anything you like.
How about
some bourbon?
That's fine.
Tanya, the chief wants
to talk to you
As soon as
you're dressed.
i will be out
in a few minutes.
- It's been a trying day, 99.
- What's the matter, chief?
- Is your ulcer
acting up again?
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
I wonder if I could
trouble you for a
glass of buttermilk.
- That usually helps.
- Of course, chief.
Thank you.
- How about this, chief?
- Fine.fix it for me.
Oh, chief, I just
broke a nail.
Could you help me
get the top off the
buttermilk, please?
oh, chief...
Max.
Here's your drink.
oh, thank you.
[ Gags ]
that's not
buttermilk.
You bet your
sweet life it isn't.
I wanted--
Max, did you leave
this door open?
I don't think
so, chief.
I'd better check
the corridor.
No, I'll check
the corridor.
Oh, maxie...
Yes tanya, what is it?
Do you have a bathrobe?
I certainly hope not.
I'll look for one
anyway.
Now drink it all
down, chief.
It'll make you
feel much better.
Look, someone
left the door open.
There.
Well, I think
tanya should be out
of the shower by now.
I don't think I'll need you.
I can question tanya myself.
Chief, you know control's
rule on interrogation--
Never interrogate
a female suspect without
another agent present.
- Who made that rule?
- Your wife.
Yes.
This buttermilk has left
a bitter taste in my mouth.
Pour me a little
bourbon, will you?
- Bourbon, chief?
- Bourbon!
Right, chief.
[ knock on door ]
[ knocking continues ]
Chief, what are you
doing out there?
Checking the corridor.
But somebody locked
me outside.
Oh, chief.
You've got to
try to relax.
I just don't think
my ulcer is going
to survive this night.
Here, let me have
that buttermilk.
But chief, that's--
[ Gagging ]
Bourbon again?
Does "bourbon"
sound like "buttermilk"?
Get me some buttermilk!
Right, chief.
How long do you
think she'll be?
I'll check
it out, chief.
- tanya...
- [ footsteps approaching ]
yes, maxie?
Max:
how long will you be,
dear?
Tanya:
five minutes.
- How long will she be?
- About five minutes, chief.
Tell her to hurry up.
Right, chief.
Tanya?
yes, maxie?
How long will
you be now?
four minutes and
30 seconds.
Max:
do you have
enough towels?
- Tanya: yes.
- max: oh.
What do you have to
do to get a glass of
buttermilk?
Thank you, 99.
She'll just be
a minute, chief.
Get me a drink,
will you, max?
Right, chief.
Oh, thanks, chief.
Here you are, chief.
All right, hold it.
Don't anybody move.
k*ll him.
He's alexei sebastian.
k*ll him, max.
He's an impostor.
Wait a minute.
There's something funny
going on around here.
Well...
So ends the career
of alexei sebastian--
An ugly customer
if I ever saw one.
Oh, sorry about
that, chief.
What on earth happened?
Alexei sebastian has just
played his last role.
But max, how did you
know he was the impostor?
Well, it was really
quite simple, chief.
You see, I remembered that
sebastian had weak eyes.
So I merely
took this lamp
And flashed it
in his eyes.
Uh-oh.
I may have made
a terrible mistake.
If this is
the real chief,
You're in a lot
of trouble, fella.
Well, with sebastian
out of the way I think we can
all get a good night's rest.
He ought to get
a long prison term
for attempted m*rder.
Yes, I think
we've got him
this time.
The trouble before
has always been
with witnesses.
Since nobody knew
what he really
looks like
Nobody was able to
positively identify him.
That's right.
If we were asked
to identify him,
We would say
he looked like
our chief.
On the other hand
they could say
our chief
Looked like a fiendish
international k*ller.
[ Both chuckle ]
Smart...
Well there are two ways
of looking at it, chief.
Well, like the chief says,
I think we should all get
a good night's sleep.
By the way,
where's miss lupescu?
Uh, well, she went
up to bed already.
She has to be up
early in the morning
for the trial.
Where are you
going to sleep?
I'll just bunk out
here on the couch
someplace, chief.
I think someone should
be here all the time
To see that
tanya is safe.
Oh, I don't mind
staying, max.
Uh, no no,
That's quite
all right, 99.
Well, call us a cab
then, max, will you?
- Hmm?
- Call us a cab.
Oh, right, chief.
And be sure and
get to bed early.
You look
a little tired.
Yes well, I do feel
a little tired, chief,
But I'll just slip into my
pajamas and get some sleep.
Good night, maxie.
- [ b*llet ricochets ]
- [ screams ]
I think 99 oughta
stay here tonight, 86.
You come on home
with me.
Sorry about
that, max.
Good night, maxie.
[ theme music playing ]
01x11 - Too Many Chiefs
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Series centers on bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart (Adams), aka Agent 86, and his unnamed female partner, Agent 99 (Feldon).
Series centers on bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart (Adams), aka Agent 86, and his unnamed female partner, Agent 99 (Feldon).