[ rhythmic knocking ]
[ rhythmic knocking ]
I'm sorry,
I made a mistake
- Could you start
over again, please?
- 99: all right, max.
[ rhythmic knocking ]
[ rhythmic knocking ]
- Who is it?
- it's me, max.
Come in, 99.
You know, you were
using the wrong code.
- There's a new code out.
- Oh, I didn't get one yet.
Yes. You see,
when you come in
the door,
- You knock like this--
[ three loud knocks ]
- then what do you do?
- I say "come in."
- Oh.
- How is he?
- no improvement yet.
Since he's been relieved
of active duty, he's been
very very depressed.
After all, he's used
to being in the middle
of all the action.
Yes, and now look at him--
just lies around all day,
never moves, just stays
by that cabinet.
Can't blame him, max.
Fang's used to being
top dog.
Just look
at this, 99.
He hasn't touched
one speck of his food.
Maybe he doesn't
like the food
you're feeding him.
That can't be.
He had the same thing
for dinner I did.
- What's that?
- Dog food.
Well, I ran out
of everything else.
Gee, I wish there
was some way we could get
fang back on active duty.
So do i. I know
he's bored with that
desk job control gave him.
Yes. I don't blame him.
How would you like
to sit around
Checking in evidence
and then burying it?
Max, remember
agent 73?
He had
the same problem.
- He was burying evidence?
- No, max.
His dog was retired
so he sent him
to a kennel
- To have him
rehabilitated.
- Oh, yes.
I know all about it.
I asked 73 to call me
as soon as he came back in.
- Good.
- [ phone ringing ]
no, not that phone, 99.
It's the secret agent's hotline.
I'll get it.
[ Ringing continues ]
- Hello, this is 86.
- this is 73.
I just got
your message.
I was out to the kennel
picking up my dog.
Yes, that's what
I called you about, 73.
Now, can you
give me the name
of that dog kennel?
- Sure. The name
of that kennel is--
- [ growling ]
Just a second, smart.
- Get this down, 99.
- Right.
- [ Growling continues ]
- what's the matter, boy?
- [ Barks ]
- help! help!
See if you can find
a kennel called
"help help."
[ theme music playing ]
[ Insect buzzing ]
[ Buzzing resumes ]
[ buzzing stops ]
- What's the matter, chief?
- Shh, I'm trying
to k*ll a bee.
Is he carrying a g*n?
- No, max.
- I'll get it, chief.
Max, I don't think
it will bother us
up there.
I don't understand
how that bee got
into the building.
I think it's
an enemy bee, chief.
- An enemy bee?!
- Right.he's probably
carrying a transistor
And recording
this conversation
right now.
I think it may be
a bugged bug.
Max, don't be
ridiculous.
- Here's the file
you wanted, chief.
- Thanks, 99.
That bee up there?
[ Whispers ]
yes.
Can you see any
control markings
on it?
Not from here, max.
Why?
I've got a feeling
he's not one of ours.
Just as I thought,
it all ties in.
He was m*rder*d by his own dog.
- m*rder*d?!
- yes.
You see, 73 was returning
from our new york branch.
He was bringing back
a report on kaos
activities.
Now apparently
to pick up his dog
- as soon as he landed.
- I don't get the tie-up, chief.
It's all in here.
This file contains
a list
Of recent deaths
we originally thought
were accidents.
Look, general foglesby--
k*lled by his hunting dogs.
admiral kirkwood k*lled
by his chow dog.
dr. Krautmeyer
k*lled by his dachshund.
- By his dachshund?!
- While he was sleeping.
Are you suggesting
that kaos has a means
for controlling animals?
Precisely.
And practically every
important government official
Owns some kind of pet.
Then that means
whoever controls
those animals
Literally holds
a g*n on washington.
But where
do we begin,
chief?
- At the washington animal spa.
- 99: i've heard of that.
That's a very
high-class kennel.
Yes, it is.
And every one of the people
on this list--
Including agent 73--
sent his dog to that kennel.
I'm gonna issue
an urgent dispatch
telling all v.i.p.s
To stay away
from that kennel
until further notice, chief.
very good, 99.
Now, max, I have an idea
that I think may work.
Wait a minute, chief.
Shouldn't we discuss this
Under the cone
of silence?
The cone of silence?
Max, it's not
functioning
properly.
- Well, this is confidential,
isn't it, chief?
- Yes, max.
The control manual
states emphatically
That we should use
the cone of silence.
All right, max,
the cone of silence.
- [ Thumps ]
- [ whirring ]
Now, here's
what I think
we should do.
- [ buzzing resumes ]
- here's what I think
we should do.
What, chief?
I can't hear you.
There's a buzzing
in my ears.
Of course there's
a buzzing in your ears.
That's because that bee
is in here with us.
I told you it was
an enemy bee, chief.
It's in here
gathering information.
- max, raise
the cone of silence.
- [ clicks ]
- It's not working, chief.
- I told you it wasn't
functioning properly.
- I think I know
why, chief.
- Why?
It's not working.
- Max, do something
before the bee stings us!
- Right, chief.
- I'll use my special lighter.
- No, that uses poison gas!
- But it'll k*ll the bee.
- But it will also k*ll us!
Oh...
Right, chief.
No, max!
Don't sh**t!
I'm not
gonna sh**t, chief.
Watch--
How do you like that, chief?
That's pretty good.
I got the bee and fixed
the cone of silence
All at the same time.
Well, what's your plan,
chief?
Max, I wanna plant one
of our animal agents
in that kennel.
We've got to find out
how kaos is controlling
those animals
And preventing them
from ever using that
method again.
Right, chief.
And I know just
the dog
To infiltrate--
fang.
Oh, max,
I had to put fang
on the inactive list.
Let's go down
and look at some
other dogs.
Wait a minute, chief,
what's the matter
with fang?
Max, fang just
doesn't have it
anymore.
"Doesn't have it
anymore"?
Why, fang is just
as competent as I am!
I know.
- Where're the others?
- I'm sorry, chief,
But all our other
dog agents are out
on assignments.
None of these seem
to have enough experience
for the job.
What about that one
on the end? You didn't
give me his background.
- you can't
use him, chief.
- why not?
He's a training-school
dropout.
He just
hangs around here.
- All right, men,
take them out.
- [ Dogs whimper ]
Well, chief, I guess
that just leaves fang.
Oh no, max.
I told you, fang is out.
Smart, he didn't do
too well on his last case.
"Didn't do too--"
Look, chief,
everybody is entitled
to one mistake.
I've probably
made one myself.
Fang has
the experience
for this job.
Not only is he
a dedicated agent,
But he's
the fastest dog
we've got.
Why, do you know
that fang can sit up
and lie down
Faster than
any dog in control?
Go ahead, fang,
show him.
Go!
- Wanna see it again, chief?
- "Again"? I didn't see it
the first time.
See how fast
he is?
Come on, chief,
give him a break.
All right, max.
I'll put fang on
this assignment,
But only because
you want him so much.
Thank you, chief.
Well, boy, you're back
in action again.
- Oh, this is gonna
be a good one, fang.
- [ Whimpering ]
We're going to have
to put this collar
on fang.
There's a mini television
transmitter in this collar
And once fang
gets into the washington
animal spa,
You can watch
the whole thing on a portable
monitor in your apartment.
Now this button
turns the transmitter on
And this button
turns the transmitter off.
- What's this button for?
- Color.
Carleton, we'll be in trouble
if anything goes wrong
with that transmitter.
Oh, nothing will,
chief.
But just in case,
you can always send along
agent b-17.
[ Shrieks ]
Good idea.
- Max, you'd better get started.
- All right, chief.
I think I'll
use the cover name
"stanley maxwell"
Instead of
"maxwell smart."
- Uh, chief, do I
have to take him along?
- No, 99 can bring him.
Gee whiz, chief,
I don't see why
We need a bird agent
on this case anyway.
Max, he's an expert
at imitating voices,
And he repeats
everything he's heard.
Now if anything goes
wrong with the transmitter,
he can tell us what he's heard.
Maybe smart
is afraid that b-17
will show up fang.
"Show up fang"?
Huh!
- Would you believe--
- [ shrieks ]
Would you believe?
Would you believe?
- [ continues shrieking ]
- did you hear that, chief?
That's the worst impression
I ever heard.
Yes. What can I
do for you?
We're leaving town
for a few days
And we'd like
to leave our dog
and our parrot here.
Uh-huh. And this is
your dog, huh?
- Good guess.
- Really?
Um, name,
please?
- Fang.
- all right.
Mr. And mrs. Fang.
Now how long--
You don't understand.
The dog's name
is fang.
Oh, I see.
Your name, please.
Mr. And mrs.
Stanley maxwell.
All right, mr. Maxwell.
How about a bath?
No, I think I'll wait
till I get home
for that.
For the dog,
mr. Maxwell.
No, the dog
has a bad cold.
I see.
The collar.
Goodbye, fang, old boy.
Will that be all?
- That's all.
- Take good care
of them.
- We will.
- Bye-bye, paulie.
[ shrieks ]
- [ Shrieks ]
- who was that man?
He looked familiar.
I don't know him.
He said his name was
stanley maxwell.
[ Shrieks ]
"stanley maxwell
cover name
Instead of
maxwell smart--
maxwell smart."
[ Shrieks ]
It's been over
two hours since
we got a picture
From the television unit
on fang's collar.
It could be
due to technical
difficulties, max.
We sent along b-17
to cover us in a
situation like this.
He'll be able to repeat
everything he heard.
Yes well, I think we made
a mistake there, chief.
We should have sent along
a parrot that can make
television repairs.
I guess we'll just
have to wait.
There's no time to wait, 99.
There's no time to lose!
Fang is in trouble.
I can feel it.i know it!
And I'm responsible
for him being on
this assignment.
Chief, you gotta
let me go in
after him.
No, max.
If you should be captured
attempting to rescue fang,
They'd know control
was onto them.
Our mission would be
a total loss.
the picture will
be on any moment.
- And what if it isn't?
- I'm sorry, max.
I'm going back
to the office.
And no rescue attempt--
that's an order!
- 99, I've gotta
do something.
- Max...
I know, I know,
I'm not supposed to go in
and rescue him.
But let's look
at it this way, 99:
what if it was the chief
Who was captured
and I knew where he
was being held?
You'd go in
after him.
So I've just gotta
try and think of fang
As a small furry
middle-aged man.
But, max, you have
your orders.
But I can't just stay here
and do nothing,99.
Everything reminds me
of fang.
Look--
This food bowl
with his name on it--
"Fang."
My slipper that he used
to love to chew on.
His turtleneck
sweater...
His lead chain...
His favorite
toy duck.
[ Squeaks ]
I'm going in
after him.
- Max, you can't.
- Why not?
Not without me.
Now a little
twist there.
And a little
twist there.
It's a good thing
carleton was
in the lab
So he could give us
this electro-blast
device.
I never worked
with one before, max.
You merely press down
on this electronic
plunger
Which sends
an electrical current
through these wires
Which sets off
the nitro under
these suction cups
Which muffle the sound
of the expl*si*n.
- and that does it?
- yes, guaranteed
One of the best ways
to open doors.
Another good way is
turning the doorknob.
One move
and it will
be your last.
Take their g*ns.
[ Clicks heels ]
welcome, maxwell
smart.
you are no match
for the brilliance
of kaos.
You've fallen into our
very clever trap.
Hmm, I've fallen
into cleverer traps
than this before.
We purposely
blacked out your dog's
television collar unit,
knowing that you could
not resist making
a rescue attempt.
And now...
Now you are
my prisoner.
It won't do you any good.
You'll never get anything
out of him,
Not even if you beat him,
whip him and kick him.
Uh, that's right.
Go ahead-- beat me,
whip me, kick me.
How about strips
of bamboo shoved
under your fingernails?
That I'm not
too crazy about.
We don't want information
from you, mr. Smart.
We want you
as live bait.
Just as you came
loyally after your dog,
so will your chief
come loyally after you.
Kaos is
extremely clever.
They must have set
a trap for him.
Now smart is in trouble,
I can feel it.
But, chief, there's
nothing you can do.
I just can't
wait around here.
Everything reminds me
of max, look--
His sweater...
[ Chuckles ]
My tie he always
like to wear...
His courier chain.
His favorite
toy duck g*n.
[ Squeaks ]
Just like max.
If I told him once,
I told him a thousand times--
"Max, never leave
your duck loaded."
I'm going in
after him.
That's fine.
Your chief
should be here
any minute now.
It's been a half hour
since you captured us.
The chief hasn't come
to rescue us yet.
You're wasting
your time.
Let that be a lesson to you.
At least there's one person
in control
Who doesn't have
an ounce of loyalty in him.
I have no doubt that
your chief is every bit
as loyal as you are.
Why won't
you tell us what
happened to fang?
I've been saving that
as a surprise.
Fang!
What have you done
to him?
Your dog has been
undergoing treatment.
- [ Shrieks ]
- that machine
Is a canine
brain-washer.
Once subjected to it,
Any animal falls completely
under my control.
[ Speaks german ]
Think of it--
All the important dogs
in washington under my control,
And all of them ready
to turn on their masters
at my command.
Greg?
Another little
surprise.
Tell them.
This is an audio-sensitive,
high-intensity expl*sive
apparatus,
Set to explode at the sound
of a dog barking--
your dog.
Activate it.
- [ Knob clicks ]
- [ whirring ]
Put it down.
We will now take
the elevator
to the cellar.
When your chief
arrives,
I will signal
your dog.
He will then bark,
And when he does--
Pfft!
- Just a minute!
- Yes?
- There's one thing
you overlooked.
- Oh?
You see, you can't
leave us alone
in this room.
- And why not?
- Because as soon
as you're gone,
By the use of sheer
brute strength,
I shall be able
to rip these chains
from the wall
In one minute.
Would you believe it?
- One minute.
- I find that hard
to believe.
- [ whirring continues ]
- would you believe
two minutes?
I don't think so.
How about a week
from tuesday?
You have a marvelous
sense of humor.
[ Continues laughing ]
You'll probably
die laughing.
[ Heels click ]
Max, I'm sure
that kaos man is
right about the chief.
He's probably
on his way over here
right now.
- What are
we gonna do?
- Don't panic, 99.
Don't panic.
Now let's try and
think of this thing
With a nice
clear cool head.
Now number one,
we're chained
against a wall.
Number two, we're just
out of reach of the b*mb.
Number three,
when the chief comes,
That kaos man
is gonna make fang bark
and explode the b*mb
And blow us all
sky-high.
- There's only
one thing we can do.
- What is it?
- Panic.
- Max, we've got
to do something.
Hmm, there's right,
we can't just let
the chief be k*lled.
Wait a minute!
Maybe the answer lies
in something you just said.
When the chief comes,
fang will be signaled
to bark
- And the b*mb will explode--
- wait a minute, wait a minute.
I've got a plan, 99,
I've got a plan.
If we can get fang
to bark now,
Then the b*mb will explode
before the chief comes.
Then you and fang and I
will be blown to bits.
- I have an alternate plan.
- No, max!
- We've got
to do it, right?
- Right.
- It's only decent, right?
- Right.
After all, the chief's
life's more important
than ours, right?
- Right?
- Don't rush me, 99.
Right.
Max, look!
[ kaos agent
speaks german ]
Listen, 99,
he's giving fang
Voice commands from
down in the basement.
And he's opened the door
to the shaft automatically
so fang could hear him.
- That's it, 99.
- You have another
plan, max?
Yes, and I'm certain
that this one
will work.
All we have to do
is to drop the b*mb down
the elevator shaft,
And then when fang barks,
it will destroy them.
That's brilliant, max!
How do we put the b*mb
in the shaft?
"How do we put the b*mb
in the shaft," yes.
Well, that's the part
of the plan I haven't
worked out yet.
[ Shrieks,
speaks german ]
- [ Shrieks ]
- that's it!
Right.
That's what?
That's how we do it--
if you can imitate
his voice,
You can command fang
to drop the b*mb
down the shaft.
But how can
I imitate a parrot?
No, max, you imitate
the kaos man's voice.
- Like the parrot's doing.
- But he speaks german,
- I don't know
any german.
- I do.
You do?
Well, how do you say
"pick up the b*mb"?
- nimm die bombe!
- nimm die bombe!
Fang, nimm die bombe!
- nimm die bombe!
- [ knocking ]
Chief:
max, 99,
are you in there?
It's the chief.
He's here. Hurry!
How do you say
"drop the b*mb down
the elevator shaft"?
lass fallen die
bombe in den schaft.
lass fallen die
bombe in den schaft.
Fang, lass fallen die
bombe in den schaft.
[ Whirring ]
- How do you
say "bark"?
- bell!
Fang, bell!
Fang, "hiten
the dirten."
Go down
to the basement.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, we're okay, chief.
- Fang saved us.
- Fang,
Kommen sie her
and sitten downen!
Are you sure
you're all right,
max?
Yes, chief,
and fang doesn't
understand german anymore.
The expl*si*n
must've released
his mind.
- Better test him, max.
- Right, 99.
Fang, lie down, fang.
Lie down.
Beg, fang.
beg!
beg, fang.
How about that, chief?
Just as good as new.
There you go.
[ Groans ]
Sorry about this,
chief.
That's all right, max.
You don't have to
apologize to me
For breaking orders.
I understand.
Max, what's fang's
duck doing here?
That's not fang's duck, max.
That's your special g*n.
When I realized
I'd taken it from your office,
I put it in my pocket.
I must have dropped it.
- Someone better tell fang!
- [ g*nshots ]
Now you know why
I put him on a desk job.
Don't worry, chief.
I'll have him report
First thing
in the morning
for target practice.
[ theme music playing ]
01x23 - I'm Only Human
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Series centers on bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart (Adams), aka Agent 86, and his unnamed female partner, Agent 99 (Feldon).
Series centers on bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart (Adams), aka Agent 86, and his unnamed female partner, Agent 99 (Feldon).