02x03 - A Spy for a Spy

[bunniefuu]

Max, it was very
nice of you and 99

To take me out to
celebrate my birthday.

Oh, it's nothing, chief.

The control baker made you
a very special birthday cake.

- We had it sent over.
- Oh, for goodness sakes,

- Isn't that nice?
- Pretty fancy, 99.

Now, let's see.

"Happy birthday chief
from the g*ng at control."

I don't see anything.

It's written with
invisible icing.

You see, chief, we didn't
want to reveal your identity.

After all, you are the head
of a top secret organization.

Good thinking, max.

Oh, this must be
the entertainment.

Look, chief, this should
be fun. It's a magician.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I am siegfried the great.

I am here tonight to prove

That the hand is quicker

Than the eye.

I will perform

And you will enjoy.

I shall now perform

One of my most brilliant tricks.

I need a volunteer
from the audience.

how about you, sir?
You look like a man

of imagination and daring.

I think he means me, chief.

a man who is not afraid
to face the terrors

of the unknown.

I think he means you, chief.

Have some fun.
It's your birthday.

No, 99. I don't like
to get up in public.

- Oh, come on.
- Go ahead, chief.

- Yeah, all right.
- just step up here, please.

Now, step inside this cabinet.

I shall now make this man...

Disappear!

Audience: oh! Ooh!

Terrific, 99. Really terrific!

Max,
something's wrong!

- They're both gone, 99.
- Look, there's a note.

"Kaos has your chief.
You'll hear from me.

- Siegfried the great."
- We've got to get him back!

Control will be
paralyzed without him, max.

I know, 99, but first we
gotta find that magician.

That's just as important. I
wanna question him personally.

To find out what he
knows about kaos?

No, to find out how
he did this trick.

Carlson: what's being
done about the chief now?

We have every available agent
out looking for him, prof. Carlson.

Gee, 99, I'm really
worried about the chief.

- I hope nothing has happened to him.
- So do i, max.

The chief has never
disappeared before.

Who's in charge of control now?

Don't worry, standish.
It's all taken care of.

I've been prepared
for a situation like this.

Just a moment, smart. You
have no right to take over

- The chief's job.
- And why not?

I'm head of the agent section.

Well, I'm head of
the lab section,

And standish is head of
the administration section.

And we have just as much
right to be chief as you do.

- Especially me!
- Now, wait a minute!

Hold it, hold it, standish.

We can't stand here and
argue about it all day.

Let's stop this bickering!

There's a very simple and
intelligent way to handle this thing.

After all, there are official
procedures, you know?

- Good, max.
- Now, this is the way we'll handle it...

I'll think of a number
from one to 10.

Now, if either of you guess
the number, you are chief.

If you don't, I'm chief. Okay...

- Standish?
- Three.

Right. Let's make
it two out of three.

Smart, seems to me that
only the chief's superior

Can tell us who is in charge
while the chief is gone.

But we don't know who
the chief's superior is.

There's only one man
who'd know the chief's boss.

- 99, I've gotta go right to the top.
- Max, you can't call him.

I've got to.

Hello, this is maxwell
smart of control.

I'd like to speak to...

Oh... No.

No no no no. Don't disturb
him. I'll call back later.

Thank you.

Can't bother him now, 99. He's having
an emergency meeting at his ranch.

- Top diplomatic conference, huh?
- No, it's roundup time.

Max, I know. Let's check the secret
compartment in the chief's desk.

Maybe the name of
his boss is in there.

Good idea, 99.

In case anything happens to me,

Contact my
superior, zebra 6-4-2.

We're gonna have to look this up
in the chief's special codebooks, 99.

Zebra... That's the blue book.

The blue book is the
one with the green cover.

Since when does a blue
book have a green cover?

Max worked it out
with the coding section.

In case of a kaos infiltrator,
every book has a cover identity.

You simply have a
cover for a cover.

It says, "see green book."

The green book is the
one with the blue cover.

Max couldn't throw away a
perfectly good book cover.

Ah, here it is. It
looks like it's in code.

It says, "baker able.

See telephone book."

Where's the telephone book?

The telephone book is
right here by the telephone.

Able baker, able baker,

Able... Uh, here it is.

The name of the
chief's superior is...

- "Abel baker."
- Call him, max.

Maybe he's calling us.

Uh, this is maxwell smart.

Smart? Siegfried the great.

I will return your chief,

But there's something
I want in exchange.

I would like to meet with you.

I'm not meeting you
with you, siegfried,

Until I know the
chief is all right.

How do I know he's still alive?

I will let you talk to him.

- Hello, max, this is the chief.
- Are you all right, chief?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Wait a minute, how do I
know you're really the chief?

you could be someone
impersonating him.

- Max!
- It's the chief all right.

Max, don't bargain with
kaos. I'm expendable. My life...

- Smart?
- What happened?

Your chief was just
silenced by a p*stol butt!

That's a little drastic,
isn't it, siegfried?

Couldn't you have
just shushed him?

We don't shush here!

I will finish your
conversation for him

When we meet.

One hour from now,

At the southeast
corner of potomac park,

Just the two of us.

I'm going to meet siegfried.

- Max, you're not going to meet him alone.
- Yes, I am.

No, max, he's a kaos man,

A thief, a kidnapper,
maybe a k*ller.


Have to go on trust.

Maxwell smart?

Siegfried the great?

- What was that?
- I think I just broke my shoe phone.

Shall we proceed
with our little talk?

Just a moment, siegfried.

- Are you armed?
- of course not.

What's the matter?
Don't you trust me, smart?

That's the way you come
to a peaceful meeting.

You oughta be ashamed
of yourself, siegfried.

How could you be so sneaky...

And treacherous?

I suggest we check all weapons.

Good idea.

- My revolver.
- My revolver.

My machine p*stol.

Come on, siegfried.

My machine p*stol.

My switchblade knife.

I don't have a
switchblade knife.

- Here, I have an extra one.
- Thank you.

My brass knuckles.

My brass knuckles.

And my xke500.

I have never seen a
w*apon like this before.

- May i?
- Be my guest.

It sh**t dumdum b*ll*ts.

It can rip a hole on a man
the size of an ashcan cover.

Nasty little
w*apon! Control issue?

Don't be silly, control would never
issue a w*apon as vicious as this.

I got it from a mail-order
house in chicago.

Well, that's it.

Careful, that's my
exploding wallet.

Where's yours?

I must have left it
in my other pants.

Here, I have my su1c1de pill.

It's raspberry this month.

- Wanna try it?
- No, thanks.

- Go ahead, it's not habit-forming.
- No!

Where's your su1c1de capsule?

This is my su1c1de ring.

I will have to keep it on.

A su1c1de wedding ring?
How does that work?

Through my wife.

She told me if I ever
take it off, she will k*ll me.

All right, enough of this,
siegfried. Let's get down to business.

What's your proposition?

If you wish to get
your chief back, smart,

You will deliver to me the x11.

The x... The x11?!

That's out of the
question, siegfried!

I can't give you the
x11! No, sir! No x11!

By the way, siegfried,
what is the x11?

Your country's
latest defense device!

Oh... You know what
I think, siegfried?

I don't think you even
know what the x11 is.

The x11 is an all new
laser-powered m*ssile detector.

It's 12"x14"x4", it's
completely portable,

Weighing only two
lbs. Eight and a half oz.

And there are exactly
three of them existent,

One being in the safe
in your chief's office!

If you're so smart,

How come you lost
two world wars?

You have my deal, smart.

Deliver one x11 to me

And I will deliver one live
control chief to you. Agreed?

Agreed. Where and when?

Right here, one hour from now.

Better make that two hours.

It will take us an hour
to put all this junk away.

Think we'll get
away with it, max?

I certainly hope so,
for the chief's sake.

Smart!

Did it again.

- Did you bring the chief?
- Ja!

Did you bring the x11?

Yes, I have it right here.

Throw it to me.

Now you throw me the chief.

You did it, max.

Yes, I gave him a dummy x11.

And he gave me a dummy chief.

Yes, siegfried, I
understand perfectly.

what did he say, max?

He says that unless I deliver the
real x11 to him within two hours,

He's going to k*ll the chief.

What are you going to do, max?

We can't exchange
the x11 for the chief.

No, but we can exchange the
most important in kaos man for him.

- Karl danker.
- Their number one assassin.

- Yes.
- But how are we going to do that, max?

We don't have karl danker.

We will, 99. I'm going out
and find him and bring him in.

Oh, max, please be careful.

Karl danker has k*lled


And avoided capture every time.

He's tricky and
shows no mercy, max.

You'll be in extreme
danger every minute.

And loving it.

Danker, freeze
right where you are.

All right now,
turn around slowly.

Well, danker, I finally got you.

You've escaped capture
by control 19 times,





They told me 19.

Smart's right behind me.
Catch him as he comes in.

Sorry about that,
fathead.

You better give up, danker. This building
is surrounded by 40 control agents!

Would you believe 30?

One angry boy scout?

Girl scout?

Now, you're gonna
get it the hard way.

Have you ever used one of
those things before, danker?

- No.
- Well,

Why don't I come back a little later,
after you've had a chance to practice?

There's not gonna be any later.

This is your last chance,
danker. You wanna be friends?

Hold it!

Uh, listen, i...

I hope I wasn't out of line
with that crack about fathead.

Well, fella, I guess
it's just not your day.

Well, 99, I have danker

Safely tucked away in security.

Good work, max.
Siegfried hasn't called yet.

That must be him.

- Hello? Smart here.
- This is siegfried.

Are you going
to give me the x11,

Or does your your chief die?

Neither. You give
me back the chief

And I'll give you
back karl danker,

Your number one
k*ller. I just captured him.

Well, this puts a
crimp in my plans.

Now you have our top man and
we have yours... It's a stalemate.

I wouldn't count on that, smart.

Hello, is this the
answering service?

Do you have kidnapping
messages for maxwell smart?


Already have that information.

Uh, what's your count?

Six of ours and three of theirs?

Oh, thank you.

Hello? Oh hi, 99.

No, we're doing pretty good.

I think we're ahead.
Yeah, we have 27 of theirs

And they have 26 of ours.

Hello? 99?



Okay, that's it.
Hold it right there.

Now, kaos has 99, but I
have you, miss dvorcheck.

And that puts us one up on kaos.

Now, if siegfried
wants you back,

He'll have to give us 99.

But I would rather
stay here with you.

That's out of the question.

Well, of course these
exchanges do take time.

Of course you know why I asked

- For this meeting, smart.
- Of course.

- We've both run out of agents.
- Exactly.

I have all the
control personnel,

And you have all
the kaos personnel.

Right, and it wouldn't do any
good our kidnapping each other

Because there'd be nobody
left to do the negotiating.

Exactly. Shall we start?

Okay, a straight trade...

Our chief for your
assassin danker.

Agreed. Now, we give you back

Your lab man for our lab man.

Hold on, siegfried, everybody
in the espionage business knows

That our lab man is the
top man in his profession.

Then what do you want?

Our lab man for your lab man,
and you give us $10,000 in cash.

This is ridiculous!

Kaos does not make cash deals.

Well, I have an alternate offer.

Let's see now...

We're a little weak in the
administration department

So I'll tell you what we'll do...
We'll forget about the $10,000.

You give us your head
bookkeeper and a minor accountant

And options on two of
your best garage mechanics.

This sounds fair.

We need some help
in the coding section.

How about giving us smithers
in your deciphering department,

And the first choice on
the two best men graduating

From your training school?

No deal!

We don't give away our trainees.

Forget it, smart. This
could go on all day.

Let us wait.

Your chief for danker and
we will get to the rest later.

Okay.

In one hour then,
at our warehouse.

Hold it.

- Hello, max. Good to see you.
- Good to see you, chief.

- Danker.
- Siegfried.

All right siegfried,
how do we handle this?

- Release danker.
- You release the chief.

- I don't trust you.
- I don't trust you either.

- Are you armed?
- If you like,

Frisk me.

Now you.

Well, are you
satisfied, siegfried?

Very well, I will
release the chief.

And I will release danker.

All right?

All right.

Okay, that's it.

And now just to show you
there are no hard feelings,

A little magic trick.

Hey look, chief, it's a rabbit.

Observe this.

Hands up!

The old g*n-in-the-rabbit
trick and I fell for it.

Up up!

Well, siegfried, magic
is a two-way street.

Okay, siegfried, it's my turn.

Big deal. It's only a magic g*n.

The old lighter-in-the-g*n-
in-the-rabbit trick.

You will now release
the rest of my kaos agents,

And I will release the rest
of your control agents.

- I don't trust you.
- I don't trust you either.

Okay, I've got a suggestion
that will guarantee

We both live up to the bargain.

- What?!
- Hostages...

You leave danker with me, and I'll
leave the chief with you. Right, chief?

- Wrong, max.
- "Wrong, max."

Okay, how about this?
I'll go with danker

And you go with siegfried.

Do you wanna go with
danker? I'll go with siegfried.

Do you wanna go with
danker and siegfried?

Well, how about me going
with danker and siegfried?

Just you and i, huh, chief?

The mass exchange seems
to be going all right, max.

Perfect, chief.

Max: control agent harris
for kaos agent, heinicke.

Control agent blackhawk
for kaos agent bodie.

Mr. Standish, I would
like to apologize

For the blow to your
ear when I kidnapped you.

I hope you didn't
impair your hearing.

- What?
- Never mind.

Hi, 99. Nice to have you back.

I'm sure it is, max. I just
spoke to miss dvorcheck.

She's a liar, 99.

- auf wiedersehen, smart.
- So long, siegfried.

And from now on,

Leave the spying to us.

Have we got all our agents, max?

I think so, chief, but I'll
double-check just to make sure.

- Yes, they're all here.
- Then let's go.

- We can't.
- Why not?

Siegfried kidnapped
our bus driver.