02x11 - Island of the Darned

[bunniefuu]

If we don't hear
from agent 27 today,

We're going to have to
send someone in to find him.

You're really worried
about him, chief.


Since we've had a message from him.

Well, chief, you know how
agent 27 hates to write letters.

Max, the assignment
he was on is a vital one.

We've traced hans hunter
halfway around the world.

This may be our last
chance to capture him.

Hans hunter. Wasn't
he a high-ranking n*zi?

He was at various times a n*zi,

A communist, a
member of the mafia,

And is right now one of
the top executives of kaos.

If there's anything I hate,
it's a joiner.

Yes?

Oh, have him bring it right in.

It's something from 27.

you can just put
it down right there.

Sign right there, please.

Hey, what kind of
a signature is that?

It's "the chief." It's
my official signature.

Sorry, mister, but I got
to have a name on this.

This is a top secret
government organization.

My real name is
classified information.

I'm sorry, but no name, no
delivery. That's company policy.

- This is ridiculous!
- That's tough beans, charlie.

All right, all right.

- Oh, boy.
- What's the matter with you now?

I've delivered a lot
of packages in my time,

Some here to control and
some over to kaos headquarters,

And I'll tell you this...
Crime may not pay,

But it sure tips a lot better.

All right, let's
get this crate open.

- Max, do you have your screwdriver?
- Right here, chief.

Chief, it's 27!

Chief, I think there's something
definitely wrong with 27.

I'll say there is. He's dead.

Well, at least he
can't get any worse.

He looks so strange.

I don't know how to say this,


Stuffed? Oh, how
horrible, chief.

I guess the only thing
left is to bury him.

It seems a shame
to bury him chief.

- What do you mean?
- Well, couldn't we donate him to a museum?

- What did you find out, max?
- You were right, chief.

The boys in the lab went
over the body thoroughly,

And they found out that he
was shot with a poisoned dart,

Then stuffed like an animal.

Who do you think did
it, chief? Hans hunter?

Undoubtedly, 99.
It's typical of his

And kaos's fiendish
sense of humor.

They must have k*lled him and
then sent us the body as a warning.

Chief, you've got to
let me go after hunter.

I want to get that madman,
no matter how dangerous it is.

I don't care if he is one of
the world's greatest K*llers.

I don't care if he is a master
of fiendish t*rture and death.

I want him, chief. You've got
to let me have that assignment.

You've got it, max.

Of course, if you'd
rather send someone else...

The job's yours, max.

I mean, I don't want to
force you into anything chief.

- You'll leave tonight, you and 99.
- Where do we go, chief?

That's exactly what
we have to find out.

We've got to figure out
where 27's body was sent from.

Well, chief, why don't we do
a little basic detective work?

Now, for example,
the wood in this crate

Is thin and unprocessed.

there's no evidence of
any machine tools used on it,

And the nails are
of a peculiar shape

Not usually manufactured
in this hemisphere.

Then there are some hairs
caught in this slat here,

As though the crate had been
carried over a long distance by animal.

Those are excellent clues,
max, but what do they mean?

They mean this, chief... That
this crate was put together

And sent from the
caribbean island of moriva.

Max, that's fantastic!

It certainly is. How did you
arrive at that conclusion?

From the return address.

Now, we'll get you to
moriva by submarine.

Since you're posing as sportsmen
on a hunting and fishing expedition,

I've asked carlson to come up with some
special equipment to fit in with your gear.

- Carlson.
- This has been specifically designed

For the agent on vacation.

It's called a v-11 modified
vindicator, resort model.

Let me show you how it works.

Are you ready, gentlemen?

Oh, it's one of the deadliest
g*ns I've ever invented.

It's a little unsportsmanlike
for sh**ting fish, isn't it?

Max, it's an
antipersonnel w*apon.

Have you got
anything else, carlson?

Well, we have the a-14
mark ii "incinigrator."

That's fascinating,
professor. What does it do?

Absolutely nothing. But in the
event you're captured by the enemy,

They'll be so intrigued by the way
it works, you'll have time to escape.

Carlson, do you have
something compact and lethal

That they can carry
on their persons?

Well, yes. We have the only
new device right over here.

- Oh, cigarettes.
- not just cigarettes, chief.

- They're called "bazooka butts."
- Plain or menthol?

Neither. You see, you
put one in your mouth,

Light it, take one
puff, then throw it.

And what happens?

Like a super grenade.
Complete devastation.

Oh, but you don't have
to worry about a thing.

You see, as long as they're
not ignited, nothing will happen.

And don't forget that only
half of them are bazooka butts.

the rest are real
cigarettes camouflaging them.

You be sure and
brief 99 on this.

You'd better come with me,
max. Your submarine is waiting.

Uh, just one
question, professor.

What happens if you
take more than one puff?

You'll blow a hole in the back of
your head the size of a basketball.

Well, that's one
way to quit smoking.

Where do we go now, max?

Well, let's take a
look at the map and see.

Okay. Now here's our route.

We go straight along this path

Past alligator swamp,

Turn right at the
rattlesnake pit,

Then crawl through the
spider cave and go single file

Between the sulfur
bog and dead man's cliff.

Max, isn't there another way?

Well, yes there is, 99,
but they advise against it.

Why?

It's too dangerous.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Max, I can't go any
further. We're really lost.

Don't be ridiculous, 99. I
know exactly where I'm going.

I have an infallible
sense of direction.

But, max, it just seems to me that
we've been walking in circles for hours.

But that can't be possible. Every
time we've stopped along the trail,

I've made a little mark.

That way we know
where we've been.

- What kind of little mark, max?
- A little "x."

- Like that?
- Exactly like that.

Oh, max. We're hopelessly lost.

Would you drop that
please, mr. Smart?

Take their weapons.

My name is hans hunter.

i'm sure you've heard of me.

Yes. m*rder*r,
thief and traitor.

Well, people will gossip.

I'm sure your lovely companion
will learn to like me just a little bit.

- I doubt that very much.
- Take them to the lodge.

Just a minute, hunter.

You don't really think we'd be stupid
enough to come in here alone, do you?

- What do you mean?
- Just this...

In a very short while
general crawford

And a hundred of his
crack paratroopers

Will come crashing
into this landing.

Would you believe j. Edgar
hoover and 10 of his g-men?

How about tarzan and
a couple of his apes?

Get moving.

Bomba the jungle boy?

Make yourselves comfortable.

Please sit down.

Ah, you're much smarter
than your agent 27.

If he had taken my advice
and gotten some rest,

He would have lasted
a few minutes longer.

So you did m*rder agent 27.

"m*rder" is a very nasty word.

Let's just say that in the
contest between myself and 27,

I was the victor.

- Contest? What contest? - Yes.

Hunting is my hobby, mr. Smart.

I've hunted all
over the world...

India, africa, the
wilds of tibet.

I have stalked and k*lled
a huge rogue elephant,

The ferocious bengal tiger,

And once, mr. Smart...

Once, mr. Smart...

Have you ever heard
of the great white rhino?

That was done by
the great white rhino?

No. This was done by a
small blue convertible.

The great white rhino was
driving a small blue convertible?

Mr. Smart, I've heard
of your exploits.

You too are a hunter...
A hunter of men.

A man much worthy of my skill.

I knew when I k*lled agent 27

You would come hunting me.

Yes, hunter, I've
accepted your challenge.

And here we are face to face.
Now what do you have in mind?

I could k*ll you, mr. Smart.

I could k*ll you very easily.

but I will give you
one chance to live...

A 50-50 chance.

We will play a little game
called russian roulette.

It's very simple, really.

Six chambers, one cartridge.

Would you like to begin?

You wouldn't consider
switching to checkers?

No.

The game is over,
hunter. Get over there.

All right, now everybody
stay right where you are.

- Come on, 99, we're getting out of here.
- Igor, stop them.

Stay where you are,
igor. I'm warning you,

One more step and I'll put a b*llet
right between those beady little eyes.

Uh, listen, igor, I hope
I wasn't out of line

With that crack
about the beady eyes.

Put him down, igor.

Very well, mr. Smart.
Most resourceful.

But surely you didn't think I would
put a loaded w*apon in your hands.

Max, he palmed the b*llet.

And now I must say good night.

I have to get up early.
Igor and I are going hunting.

Oh? And what poor animal
are you gonna hunt this time?

As you can see, mr. Smart,

My trophy collection includes
one of almost every kind of animal...

Except one...

You, a h*m* sapiens.

Now, just a minute, hunter!

I'm as normal as you are!

What about me, hunter?

I have other plans
for you, my dear.

I hope that you will stay on
here as my permanent... Guest.

I'd rather take my chances
in the jungle with max.

Very loyal, my
dear, and very stupid.

We're control agents, hunter.

We're trained to be very
loyal and very stupid.

Igor will show
you to your rooms.

Get a good rest. We'll
have an early start.

Max, what are we going to do?

He's going to set us loose in the
jungle, hunt us down and k*ll us!

Don't be ridiculous, 99.

With my skill as a jungle
fighter, he doesn't have a chance.

- You know it and I know it.
- Max, look!

Now if only he knew it.

I will give you one hour's
head start, mr. Smart.

If you can elude me until
sundown, you will go free.

- You'll let us go free?
- You have my word.

Why should we take
the word of a vicious,

Homicidal, psychopathic
k*ller like you?

Because I am a gentleman.

Oh. Well, that's different.

Okay. Now how about weapons?

Yes. I will limit myself to r*fles,
shotguns, pistols and knives.

Oh, that seems fair.
Now, how about us?

You? You will have
your raw courage,

Your daring, your
resourcefulness, your sharp wits.

Listen, hunter, I'll
make a deal with you.

I'll trade you two of my sharp
wits for one of your r*fles.

Good luck, mr. Smart.

How about her raw
courage for a p*stol?

I suggest that you start.

My resourcefulness for a knife?

Very well.

That might make the
hunt more interesting.

Oh, I suggest you start running.

Listen, igor,

How would you like to swap this
nice new knife for that dirty old p*stol?

- Ehh.
- Was that "yes" or "no"?

- No.
- I thought so.

Until sundown, mr. Smart.

Oh!

Come on, we can't stop
now. We've got to keep going.

They're gonna catch up with
us, max. What are we gonna do?

- We've got to even the odds.
- How?

- Here, take this and start digging.
- Why?

We're gonna build a pit. Then
I'm gonna sharpen some stakes

And put them in the bottom of the
pit, then we'll cover the pit over.

Nobody'll know it's there. Then
finally someone will jump into the pit

And be impaled on the stakes.

I've heard of that, max. It's
called a malayan mantrap.

- It is?
- Uh-huh. Do you think it'll work?

- Well, that all depends, 99.
- On what?

- On whether or not hunter's a malayan man.
- Oh!

Keep digging, 99.

- Max, listen!
- What is it?

Do you know what that sound is?

I'm not sure, but it'll
never make the top 10.

Max, that's the dogs.
They're almost here.

What time is it?

It's only 3:00. We're not gonna be out of
danger as long as that sun's still shining.

The way I look at it, 99, there's
only one thing that can save us.

- What is that?
- A total eclipse.

Max, here they come!

All right. That's it.

From now on, no
more mr. Nice guy.

I c... I can't go
any further, max.

You've got to try, 99.
It's almost sundown.

Max, a bridge.

Yes, I know. It looks like
the only way across, 99.

Listen, if we can get across
this bridge and then destroy it,

Hans hunter will have
no way of following us.

- But, max, it doesn't look very safe.
- Don't be ridiculous, 99.

Whoever built this bridge built it strong
enough to support their own weight.

- Who do you think did build it, max?
- A very small pygmy.

How far do you think it is
to the bottom of that gorge?

- About a half a mile.
- Listen, max.

If you took a running start and
you jumped as far as you could,

How far do you
think you could go?

About a half a mile.

Listen, max, they're coming.
We've got to do something.

I'm all for taking our
chances on the bridge.

- What's the alternative?
- Certain death.

In that case, I'm all for taking
our chances on the bridge.

Listen, max, it's not gonna
hold both of us, though.

I'll tell you what, 99,
I'll carry you across.

That's not gonna work, max.

Well, I still think we
should go across together.

Why?

Well, that way, in case
the bridge collapses,

Then at least we'll have someone
to talk to on the way down.

- Oh, hurry!
- Okay, 99.

- Now follow close behind me, 99.
- Okay.

And be very careful.
The slightest little swing,

And we could both go
plunging to our deaths.

Right.

And whatever you
do, 99, don't laugh.

Max, I can't hold on!

Just a little ways longer,


Come on, 99. Just
a little ways more.

- We made it, max!
- Listen, 99.

Max, it's igor. He's going to come across
the bridge. What are we going to do?

- I've got to stop him, 99. You stay here.
- Be careful, max!

good work, max!

- Now let's take care of the bridge.
- Right.

All we have to do is let the bridge
down, 99. Once we destroy the bridge,

Hunter can't follow us.

It's five minutes till
sundown, 99. We've made it!

Well, mr. Smart, it's been fun

While it lasted.

Come down, please.

You really didn't do as
well as I thought you would,

Although you dispatched
igor quite nicely.

Huh-uh!

It's only 4:55, mr. Smart.

I was sure you'd still
be alive at least until 5:00.

i'm disappointed.

You're disappointed?
How do you think we feel?

Before I k*ll you, I
will make a final offer.

I would still like to
keep one of you with me.

it would be a terrible waste for
someone so young and so beautiful to die.

I'm sorry, hunter,
but I'm not interested.

- I think he means me, max.
- Huh? Oh.

Yes, of course, 99.
Well, what do you say?

- You know what my answer is.
- Of course. You see, mr. Hunter,

With a dedicated agent like 99,
there can be only one answer

To a suggestion like that,
and I think we all know

What that answer is.

- What is that answer, 99?
- No!

Of course. The
answer is no, hunter.

Then...

Prepare... To die.

- Wait.
- You've changed your mind?

No, I'd just like
one last request.

- What is it?
- Just a cigarette.

Go ahead. It will be your last.

Max, may I have a
cigarette, please?


Smoking at a time like this?

Yes, max, I'd really
like a cigarette, and I

Think that you ought
to have a cigarette too.

Forget it, 99. You know
I'm trying to quit smoking.

Max, I think you
need a cigarette.


World I don't need right now,

It's a c...

Of course. That's
exactly what I need.

You have 15 seconds, mr. Smart.

- Do you have a light, max?
- Right here.

- 10 Seconds.
- Oh, it's got to work!

Don't worry, it's got a
money-back guarantee.

Five seconds.

Are you quite
finished, mr. Smart?

We'll know in a minute.

Oh, max, how terrible!

He deserved it, 99.
He was a kaos k*ller.

Sometimes I wonder if
we're any better, max.

What are you talking about, 99?

We have to sh**t
and k*ll and destroy.

We represent everything that's
wholesome and good in the world.