02x12 - Bronzefinger

[bunniefuu]

Oh, max, I just love
surprise parties.

Me too, 99. Boy,
time really does fly.

Do you realize, 99, that
agent 54 will be 36 today?

My gosh, it seems like only
yesterday that 54 was 35.

- What time's he coming, max?
- In about an hour.

I told him to be here for a
surprise party promptly at 8:00.

- Oh.
- Want to see the present I got for him?

- Oh, I'd love to.
- It's a painting, 99.

Oh, max, I didn't know
you were painting.

oh, yes, I do a lot
of painting now.

The control psychiatrist said
that it would be good therapy for me

To counterbalance the
v*olence and brutality in my work.

- Oh.
- So I painted this picture of agent 54

sh**ting and
stabbing a kaos man.

- What do you think?
- Um...

It's very interesting, max.

It reminds me of picasso.

Oh, that's too bad. It's
supposed to look like 54.

Oh, that must be the chief.

Oh, I'll check the
birthday cake.


Doing here? It's early.

Sorry, max. They threw
me out of a speeding car.

Take it easy, take it easy. We're
gonna have a good time anyway.

- I've spoiled the whole surprise party.
- No, you...

You look terrible, 54. I'd
better get you a glass of punch.

I asked them to circle
the block a couple of times,

But they were in a
hurry to get rid of me.

I'm sorry, max.

The birthday boy shouldn't
be the first to arrive.

I'll wait in the hall.

You don't have to do that, 54.

Max! Who is it?

- 54.
- What happened?

He came early.

He's dead, max.

What a rotten way to
celebrate his birthday.

Look at that. Paint.

- He's painted completely blue.
- I thought he looked different.

That's probably how he died,
max... Suffocation by paint.

Well, we'd better
go fill the chief in.

Right, but we'd better make sure
that nobody touches the body.

Don't worry, 99. I'm
way ahead of you.

There. That should
do it. Come on.

Now, think, max... Did agent 54

Say anything before he died?

Yes, chief. He apologized
for being early.

No, I don't mean that. Did he say anything
about a rembrandt von bronzefinger?

- No, he didn't, chief.
- What case was agent 54 working on, chief?

- A kaos art forgery ring.
- Art forgery?

Yes, we know that kaos has been
replacing famous works of art

With clever but worthless copies

And then selling the originals
behind the iron curtain.

This is how they've been
financing their operations lately.

Chief, would you mind moving your
head to the left just a little bit?

Ah, that's much better. Now
could you tilt it up a little bit?

Good good. Now just
one more thing, chief.

What?

Could you take this
off? My thumb is stuck.

- Thank you, chief.
- Chief, do we have anything to go on?

We have reason to believe that kaos
is operating right out of the museum.

Who is this rembrandt
von bronzefinger?

He's the kaos agent who
copies the masterpieces,

then substitutes the
copies for the real ones.

He's so good that only an expert
could tell his work from the original.

now we've got to get an
agent inside the museum,

find out who bronzefinger
is, and stop him.

I don't know why I let you
convince me to pose for you.

Well, after all, chief, you promised
me a crack at this assignment.

Max, I told you before, it's not up
to me to give you this assignment.

it's up to mr. Van cleff.
He's the head of the museum.

He's gonna pick the control
agent who is the best artist.

- For what, chief?
- To go to work in the restoring room.

Bronzefinger could be one of
the technicians working there.

Uh, chief, I'm up to
your mouth now.

You mind not moving your
lips while you're talking?

The better
artist the agent is,

The less likely
he'll be suspicious.

Hello?

Oh, good. Thank you.

Mr. Van cleff is arriving.

That's all right, chief. You don't
have to talk like that anymore.

- I'm finished.
- Well, let's see it.

That's me? It doesn't
even look like me.

That's because you
moved your mouth.

Let's get to it, gentlemen.
I haven't much time.

All right, mr. Van cleff. Now,
this was painted by agent 22.

- He calls it “afternoon of a giraffe.”
- Very interesting.

Only I wouldn't call it
“afternoon of a giraffe."

- What would you call it?
- Junk.

Uh, mr. Van cleff, how do
you like this one over here?

Don't you think it's got a lot of power
and magnetism and emotional depth?

Would you believe
that this painting has

Been compared to the
works of henri matisse?

- No.
- Would you believe michelangelo?

How about charlton heston?

You have to excuse agent 86.

He was very fond of agent 54, and
he's anxious for this assignment.

- Chief, may I speak to you for a minute?
- Yes. Excuse me.

I don't see what's wrong
with it. It's kind of pretty.

A lot of pretty colors...
Red and black and green.

Uh, mr. Van cleff... Oh, sorry
about that. The paint's still wet.

Mr. Van cleff, kaos has just smuggled
another masterpiece out of the museum.

There's no time to lose. You've got
to make your decision immediately!

- Is this a dangerous assignment?
- Oh, yes, indeed.

One false move and
they'll eliminate our agent.

In that case I choose him.

Oh. Very wise
choice, mr. Van cleff.

Don't worry about a thing. I'll catch
the thief who stole those paintings

Or die in the attempt.

Can you do both?

I'm sorry to take
you out of class, max,

But a week of art
instruction is all we can spare.

That's all right. I learned
an awful lot in that week.

I learned that if you put blue
with yellow you get green,

And if you put red with
blue you get purple.

Very good, max.

And I had almost four
hours of actual painting.

Four hours? How'd you
spend the rest of the time?

Washing.

Max, mr. Van cleff
has arranged for 99

To be planted in the
museum as a guide,

And carlson has devised some very
unique art weapons for this mission.

Now what do these
look like to you?

They look like ordinary
paintbrushes, chief.

Two of them are, but watch this.

Hey, chief, you
painted a bull's-eye.

Now this may look like
an ordinary art palette,

But actually it's a
bulletproof shield.

Go ahead, max, try it.
Take a brush and sh**t.

Are you kidding,
chief? I might k*ll you.

Just make sure
you hit the palette.

Well, okay, chief.
Are you ready?

Ready.

Sorry about that,
chief. Wrong brush.

“Wrong brush.”

Now, that's what I
call the right brush.

Max, let's get back to
the special equipment.

Now you see this tube of paint?

- Now you take it and squeeze it.
- right, chief.

Oh, on second
thought, I'll do it.

This one is carlson's favorite.

Hey, that's great, chief.

I never knew carlson was
once a juvenile delinquent.

Max, remember, the man you have to
find is rembrandt von bronzefinger.

Whoever he is, he's working
somewhere in the museum.

Don't worry, I'll find him. I've got a
score to settle with bronzefinger.

If you settled with him half
as well as you settled with me,

Control will be well satisfied.

All right, bronzefinger,
drop the g*n.

I'm a trained karate expert, and
these hands are deadly weapons.

Oh,
excuse me. Who is it?

it's me, max.

Give me
the secret knock.

- Password?
- bismarck.

- Countersign, salt lake city.
- can I come in now?

Come on in, 99. The door's open.

Hello, max.


Here? It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless and I
thought I'd take a walk.

You should be careful. It's not
safe for a girl to be out after dark.

Oh, max, I'm a big girl.

Oh, I'm sorry, max.

That's all right. I probably
weakened him while I was practicing.

Max, I'm really worried about
you going to work at the museum.

Worried? Why?

Oh, I would just hate to
have you end up painted blue.

Oh, there, there, 99. If you
really feel that way about it,

Why, I'll pick
orange. How's that?

It's just that sometimes I wish you
were just an ordinary businessman.

Well, 99, we are what we are.

I'm a secret agent,
trained to be cold,

Vicious and savage...

Not enough to be a businessman.

Well, it's getting late. I
guess I'd better be going.



I guess you're
worried about kaos.

Forget about kaos. I have
a very strict landlady.

And now if you'd
like to follow me,

I'm going to show you another
masterpiece of the same period.

Actually, this painting is
only on loan to the museum.

It's called “young girl
at a half-open door.”

And here we have one of the
museum's proudest possessions,

“The man in the golden helmet.”

Now if you'd like to step
to the south corridor,

We can continue there.

Emile, I should like to introduce you to
your new associate, mr. Maxwell smart.

Mr. Smart, this is
emile, our specialist

In the renaissance period.

And this is wolfgang,

Our specialist in
the medieval period.

Hmph.

And here we have victoria,

Our specialist in the
impressionistic period.

And what is your
period, mr. Smart?

All periods. I
learned early in life

Not to play any favorites.

And, uh, here, mr. Smart,

Is your work area.

You will restore this canvas.

As you can see, the paint
is chipped in the corner.

Oh, it's a beautiful
painting. Who did it?

Brach, of course.

So there's a chip
off the old brach, eh?

Okay, let's get to it.

Good luck.

Uh, pardon me. I wonder if you could
tell me if there's a place to change.

Oh, certainly. There's a
utility closet right over there.

Thank you.

This is 86 calling control.
This is 86 calling control.

Come in, control.

Hello, chief? This is max.

I've made contact with
the three suspects.

That's fine, max. Now, listen,

I just remembered something
that agent 54 told me.

The night he was k*lled, one of
those three asked him to stay late.

It could happen
again, so be careful.

Don't worry about me, chief.

I'll be my usual
alert intelligent self.

That's what worries me.

Mr. Smart,
I hate to mention it,

But you forgot to glue
the tear in the canvas

Before you repainted the spot.

How do you like that? Now I'm
gonna have to start all over again.

What a shame.

Why don't we stay late tonight?

We can finish it before van
cleff has a chance to see it.

Oh, mr. Smart,
do let me borrow your red.

Huh? Oh, yes, of
course. Here you are.

Thank you. You know,
I may have to stay

A bit late this evening
and finish things up.

You might stay with me, and
perhaps we could have a spot of tea.

Ach!
This brush is like a club.

How do they expect
me to stroke with it?

Don't tell me, let me guess.

You want me to stay late tonight
so you can borrow one of my brushes.

Of course not. Who needs
you to stay late for that?

I borrow one of your
brushes right now.

However I could use someone

To help me refinish the frame.

If you could possibly
stay a little later for that,

I would be very grateful.

Have you found
out anything, max?

Yes, I've narrowed the three
suspects down to three suspects.

Listen, max, they're smuggling
out another original tonight.

- Agent 13 found out about it.
- Where is agent 13?

He's in the dutch section. I've got
to go before they get suspicious.

- Hurry, max. The dutch section.
- Right.

Psst!



I didn't recognize you with
that fancy-looking helmet on.

Do I look very funny?

No, as a matter of
fact it looks very nice.

You don't think
it's too much, huh?

Look, 13, I didn't come over here
to talk to you about your helmet.

Now what have
you found out? Shh!

- Bronzefinger stole another original.
- When?

Just a few minutes ago. I was looking
at that cute little dutch girl over there,

I bent down to fix my knickers
and when I came up she was gone.

What do you mean, she was
gone? She's still there, 13.

That's not her. That's a copy.

They can't fool me.

where is that twinkle
in her eye, that smile,

And those cute
little rosebud lips?


On the wall too long.

You can't stare at a girl for
two weeks and not get involved.

Forget her, 13. It wouldn't
have worked out anyway.

Now look, we've got to crack this
case. Can you describe bronzefinger?

No, I can't. All I remember
is the footsteps of the thief

Going toward the restoring room.

When I finished with my
knickers, he was out of eyeshot.

What do you mean,
“out of eyeshot”?

I can see up and down
the entire corridor.

Uh-huh, but you're not in
a frame. All I can do is this.

I'm not allowed to do this.

I'm not a pop-art
painting, you know?

Hmm, that's the museum's
closing bell.

I've got to get out of here. I've got
an appointment in the restoring room.

You're not seeing my
little dutch girl, are you?

Don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.

My date is with bronzefinger.

Emile. So you're bronzefinger.

Dead. Well, that lets him out.

Now there's only
victoria and wolfgang left.

Personally, it's my
guess that it's victoria.

Would you believe, wolfgang?

Painted to death.

No, mr. Smart, it
was none of them.

You see, I am...

- Bronzethumb!
- Bronzefinger.

A thumb is also a finger.

Okay, so you're bronzefinger.
What about them?

They were kaos agents too.

But they were going to
sell out to you tonight.

However, all this information
will do you no good.

You see, you'll never
live to tell about it.

Wait a minute, bronzefinger.
Where did you get that brush g*n?

It's a standard kaos w*apon.

Oh, really? Well, control

Happens to have a
patent on the brush g*n,

And stealing a patent is a very
serious offense in this country.

Sue me.

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

Too bad, bronzefinger,
your brush is empty.

the tube sword too.

Can't you guys ever invent
anything on your own?

I'll tell you one thing...
Kaos is in for one big lawsuit.

We invented the
tube sword first.

You stole it from us. Swine!

Copycat!

Say, what does kaos get
for one of these things?

$50 Apiece.

Is that wholesale or retail?


Bronzefinger is up to something.

I hope I'm not out of
line, bronzefinger,

But just what do you
think you're doing?

You're both about to be bronzed.

Okay. Bronzed!?

- All of us?
- All of you.

Oh. I don't suppose you'd
settle for just our baby shoes?

No, I wouldn't. This
is a timer, mr. Smart.

It controls the
position of the crucible.

now after three
minutes, the molten metal

Will turn you into an
admirable pair of bookends.

Let the girl go, bronzefinger.
She doesn't know anything.

- Max!
- I didn't mean it that way, 99.

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

I'll be back in three
minutes, after it's all over.

You see, I cannot bear
to hear a woman crying.

How do you feel
about a man screaming?

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

- Max, we've got to call control.
- Don't be silly, 99.

- He won't give us a phone.
- Your shoe phone, max.

Oh, of course. I forgot. Here.

- Just kick it off with your foot.
- Oh, I've got it!

- Good good good.
- Here, I'll hold it and you dial.

It's the wrong shoe, 99.

- now we've got it.
- pick it up with your mouth.

Oh, I've got it!

Good girl, 99.

Don't drop it, now.

- There we go.
- Oh, good.

- Turn it around, let me dial.
- Okay.

- Hurry, max, hurry!
- believe me, 99, I'm not stalling.

Hello, this is 86 calling
control. This is 86 calling control.

Come in, control. Hello, chief, this is
max. Get this and get this carefully:


About to be bronzed to death.

What? Well, isn't this



Oh, sorry. Wrong number.

Now I know I dialed the right
number. That really burns me up.

What are you doing?

- I'm dialing again, 99.
- Oh, max, there's no time!

there's only one minute left!

Well, I guess this is it, 99.

Oh, no!

Max! My razor ring! I forgot it!

- Well, we can't go home for it now.
- No, I forgot I had it.

Here, quick, pull that out
with your fingernail. Hurry!

- That's a stainless-steel blade.
- Oh, really?

How many ropes can you
cut before changing blades?

I don't know. I just got
it. Max! Look at the time!

Hurry, 99. It's almost through.

- Five seconds.
- No!

Max, it's spilling!

Max!

Oh, max, how terrible.

Terrible for him, not for us.

I wonder what bronzefinger
would have done with us, max.

Well, he probably would have
sold us to some public park.

Just think of it, 99...
There we would have been,

Two bronze statues giving
pleasure to thousands.

- Thousands of art lovers?
- No, thousands of pigeons.

You two have managed to
deliver a real setback to kaos.

I don't think I have to tell
you how much this means to us.

Tell us anyway chief.

Well with bronzefinger and
his cohorts out of the way,

Kaos will have to find a new method
of getting money for their operations.

- Like what, chief?
- I imagine they'll go back

To bank robbery,
extortion and kidnapping.

It'll be nice to have things
back to normal again.

Oh, chief, we found these
paintings in bronzefinger's office.

- Are they originals or copies?
- We don't know.

Put them in the wall safe. We'll
hold them for the museum authorities.

Right, chief.

What's 13 doing in there?

The chief said I'd been
out on field trips too long,

So he gave me this
nice soft office job.

It's awfully small. Tell me,


The chief gave me
the combination.