02x13 - Perils in a Pet Shop

[bunniefuu]

Shh.

He ducked down behind
that packing case, 99.

I wonder what
made him suspicious.

It's your squeaky shoes, max.

- Maybe you should take them off.
- Good thinking, 99.

It's not my shoes. I
think it's my socks.

- Then take your socks off.
- I'd rather not, 99.

- Why?
- It might be my feet.



It's only red wine, max.

I'm bleeding red wine?

Max, he's getting away!

- I'm going after him, 99.
- You can't do that, max.

Yes, I can. He's
out of amm*nit*on.

A .38 special only
fires six sh*ts.

What makes you think
he's using a .38 special?

Because, 99, I happen to
be an expert on weapons.

I know the sound of a .38
special and I counted six sh*ts.

But, max, you're making
a terrible mistake.

You're the one with
the .38 special, max.

I knew there was one
around here someplace.

That must be the chief.

Mmm, he'll have to make
a break for it now, 99.

Max, max! Are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right, 99.

- Is he gone?
- I'm afraid so, max.

- Max, look.
- Oh, he left the bird.

I wonder why he
tried to k*ll him.

Because kaos is vicious,
rotten and cruel.

They'll stop at nothing
to achieve their evil ends,

Even to sh**ting a
harmless little bird.

Kaos forever. Kaos forever.

Max!

He may be a harmless
little bird, 99,

But he's got a big mouth.

Here, chief. As you can see,

The sailor in the alley
is a man named kosovich.

He's a well-known kaos agent.

What I don't understand,
chief, is why kaos would be

Smuggling information
in on an old freighter.

What else is there? We've
jammed their shortwave radio,

We've broken their
telegraph code,

And yesterday we took the last of
their carrier pigeons into custody.

Kaos forever. Kaos forever.

There's something very
suspicious about that bird, chief.

All he ever says is "kaos
forever, kaos forever."

Exactly. I think he knows
more than he's telling.

There are ways to
make a parrot talk, chief.

Turn out the lights.

Max, isn't it a little
ridiculous... Questioning a bird?

All right, you, talk!

Listen, are you gonna talk
or am I gonna bring in the cat?

Now, max, we don't want to
use any third-degree tactics.

Oh.

Well, in that case, maybe I'd
better use a different tack.

Turn on the lights, chief.

All right now,
you can talk to me.

I'm your friend.


Go down to the supply room and
get our little friend some crackers?

Right, max.

- You see, chief...
- Man: I must get in there.

Wait a minute. I can't
let you got in there.

All right, harrison.

- Are you the chief of control?
- I am.

I am creevley, a.s.p.c.b.

What?

American society for the
prevention of cruelty to birds.

This says you're a
lawyer, mr. Creevley.

That is correct.

And for your information,

This bird is my client.

- What are the charges against him?
- Well, none.

Then I demand he
be released at once.

Wait a minute. How about
consorting with known criminals?

That is guilt by association,

Which is clearly
unconstitutional.

Look, mr. Creevley, this bird
may have important information.

You are detaining
my client illegally.

Have you no respect
for due process of law?

Now wait a minute, I brought
this bird here myself.

Of his own free will?

I didn't exactly
ask his permission.

By force.

I didn't twist his wing either.

Did you witness this?

Mr. Creevley, I can assure you

That max has treated this
bird with the utmost courtesy.

It's not a question of courtesy.

This is a matter
of civil rights.

Was this bird informed
that anything he said

- Could be held against him?
- Well, no.

was he advised that he
could make one phone call?

we didn't even think about it.

Tell that to the supreme court.

We were merely about
to question the bird.

You were?

Doesn't that seem cruel to you,

Grilling an innocent bird?

Oh, I expected to find
heartlessness here,

But not sheer idiocy.

Now just a moment, creevley,

There's no more idiocy here than
there is in any other organization.

Please, max, let me handle this.

Mr. Creevley, we are in
business to fight kaos.

That's why we want
information from that parrot.

Then if you're the
experts on kaos,

Why don't you question each
other instead of that bird?

Because he knows
more than we do!

That doesn't surprise me.

Kaos forever. Kaos forever.

You hear that? This bird
has seen and heard a lot.

Chief, just give me five
minutes alone with him.

I'll file suit for a million
dollars in damages

If you touch one feather
on that bird's body.

What exactly do you
want, mr. Creevley?

This is a writ of habeas corpus.

I suppose you know what that is.

Well, of course we
know what that is.

Everybody knows what that is.

What is that, chief?

It's a court order that compels
us to hand over the parrot.

Do we have to, chief?

I'm afraid so, max.
It's a legal document.

Where are you taking him?

Anywhere he wants to go.

- Where is that?
- That is privileged information

Between my client
and his lawyer.

Kaos forever. Kaos forever.

Max, I want you to
follow him and find out

- Where he takes that parrot.
- Right, chief.

Oh, and be careful. I don't want
him to know you're following him.

Don't worry, chief. If there's
one thing I know how to do,

It's to put a tail on a bird.

Hey. Hey, you.

You planning on
buying that magazine?

This ain't a library, mister.

- Shh.
- That magazine costs 50¢!

Not so loud.

This ain't
a library, mister.

Hey, there you go again.

I already paid
for this magazine.

I just put it back.

Did you take it from there?

Yes, I did, but that
doesn't mean I didn't...



It's used.

All right, I'll take a quarter.

- Chiseler.
- Deadbeat.

hey, don't tie up the phone.

I'm expecting a
call from my wife.

Hello, chief? This is 86.

Hold on a second, chief.

Hello. Yes, could you hold
on for a minute, please?

- Hey, is that for me?
- I'll be out in a few minutes.

That's a very important call.

Here.

- Hello, chief.
- Hello, gladys.

Listen, chief, I
followed creevley

Until he passed the parrot
on to a kaos messenger.

He just went into a place
called "kilmen's pet shop."

I can't hear you, gladys.
There's a guy talking into a shoe.

He should be out in
a few minutes, chief.

I don't know. It looks
like a shoe phone.

Not yet, chief.

Gladys wants to know
where you got the shoe.

- Control issue.
- He says it's control issue.

- Not yet, chief.
- What's control?

- Top secret.
- He says it's top secret.

Here he comes now, chief.

Hey, she wants to
know what your job is.

Hello, gladys? I'm a spy.

If I told you once, I
told you 1,000 times...

Ask a stupid question,
get a stupid answer.

He hasn't got the
parrot with him.

What do I want for dinner?

The parrot, chief, the parrot.

How about parrot? I mean...

Pot roast. How about pot roast?

Chief, the pot roast
is still in there.

Look, I'll be over to
control in a few minutes.

Look, I'll call you
later. Goodbye, chief.

So long, gladys.

Whew, why is it so
hot in here, carlson?

I'm sorry, chief, our air
conditioning broke down this morning.

Listen, carlson, I'd like to use

- The master identification file.
- What for?

I think I've got a lead and I'd
like to check it out in the file.

Let him use the
master file, carlson.

But, chief, that
file is not a toy.

You know what happened
to it last time he used it.

Do you really think you can
find out anything important, max?

Have I ever steered
you wrong, chief...

Lately?

All right, carlson, let
smart see what he can do.

Activate the master
identification file.

Okay, smart, it's all yours.

Now that's just a
figure of speech.

Maybe you'd better tell me
what you hope to find out, max.

Well, chief, that guy took
the parrot to kilmen's pet shop,

And the name
"kilmen" rang a bell.

So I'd like to run it through
the machine and see what we get.

How long should
this take, carlson?

About 10 seconds
if everything goes right.

Let's move over to the delivery
slot and see what we get.

It's coming out, max.

Don't pull it. Let it
come out by itself.

I know what I'm doing, carlson.

I was right, chief.
Take a look at that.

When the letters in the
name "kilmen" are rearranged,

Look what they spell.

- Melnik.
- Who's melnik?

One of kaos's top executives.

That's right. He's known
as "the smiling k*ller."

You gotta respect a man
who enjoys his work, chief.

Max, if kilmen is melnik,

That means that the
pet shop is a kaos front.

Yes, and it means that kosovich
must be working out of it

- And taking his orders from melnik.
- That's right.

You and 99 get over there
and see what you can find out.

Right, chief. Can we
take fang with us?

Good idea. He'll be
useful as a cover.

Oh, and incidentally, max,
you did a good job here.

Oh, thank you, chief.
You see, carlson?

I told you I knew
what I was doing.

That's right, carlson, I
think you owe 86 an apology.

And he owes me about $80,000.

- What for?
- For repairs!

Chief...

Are you absolutely
sure he's on our side?

Mr. Melnik, our
messenger reports

That he was followed
here by a control agent.

Perfect, kosovich, perfect.

It's as though we
planned it this way.

- What do you mean by that?
- Well,

Now that control knows
where the parrot is,

They'll be sure to send
an agent to investigate

And kaos will add
another victim to its list.

Which agent do you
think they'll send?

I don't know,
kosovich, I don't know,

But we can always
hope that it will be...

Maxwell smart. Maxwell smart.

Maxwell smart,
maxwell smart...

What are we gonna do,
max? We haven't seen anyone

Go in or come out of
there in over an hour.

We're just gonna have to
take a chance and go in, 99.

If it is a kaos front and
if melnik is operating it,

We're bound to find
incriminating evidence.

How do you want to get in?

We'll use your skeleton
keys. Let me have them.

Oh, I'm sorry, max, I left
them in my other purse.

- I guess I'd better go weigh in.
- Right.



- Man: put a penny in.
- what?

put a penny in here.

What are you talking about, 13?

This is 86. Open up.

put a penny in the slot.

I don't have a penny.

i'll take a nickel.



- What's the matter, max?
- Oh, I don't know.

It's just that 13 is
a pain sometimes.

Here.

Hi, 86. Agent 13 here.

What have you got, 13?

Claustrophobia and flat feet.

I mean, what
information do you have?

Oh, yeah. Your weight's 150

And your fortune for today...



How long have you
been on duty in here?

Since about 2:00 this afternoon.

Have you seen anything
weird or suspicious?

Not till you came along.

Where's your sense of humor, 86?

Listen, we think

That kilmen's pet
shop is a kaos front

And that melnik is operating it.

- "The smiling k*ller"?
- Yes.


Have to go in there.

Let me borrow
your skeleton keys.

Right.

Here, and that'll
be a $20 deposit.

$20?!


Control charges me.



Oh, I'm sorry, max, I
left it in my other purse.

Well, here.

Take my watch as security.

Yeah, well, I don't know, 86.

It's a perfectly good watch.

Look at that. One of mickey
mouse's hands is broken.

Let me have them.

Well, that's just
what I needed...

A perfect end to a glorious day.

Come on, 99.

Max, don't you think
we ought to check

For alarms and booby traps
before you use those keys?

Good idea, 99. You'd better
activate your magneto-ring.

Right, max. Here, can
you attach it for me?

- Get anything?
- No, it's all right.

There's no electric
eye, no alarm systems.

Good. Now nothing can go wrong

Unless this lock is attached

To some kind of
a... Some kind of a...

- Some kind of a what, max?
- Some kind of a...

Some kind of a trapdoor?

Exactly.

Good evening, mr. Smart.

So good of you and
your friends to...

To drop in, yes.

Get up.

There must be some
fascinating explanation

- For this unexpected visit.
- Okay, let's hear it.

Perhaps you wanted to
make a purchase for your pet

And you just couldn't
wait for the store to open.

Say, that's not
bad. I'll buy that.

Come on, 99, let's
get out of here.

Come on, 99.

We've decided to
stay for a while.

What kind of a fool
do you think I am?

Well, I don't know,
just an ordinary

Everyday run-of-the-mill
type fool, I guess.

Apparently you
don't know who I am.

Yes, we do. You're melnik.

"The smiling k*ller."

At your service.

You know kosovich, of course.

Hello again, smart.

Yes, the last time
I saw kosovich

He was showing his courage by
trying to assassinate a parrot.

Yes, but you must understand

These birds are vital to kaos

And we don't like the idea of
control getting a hold of them.

Why not?

An excellent question, miss.

Thank you. Now maybe you can
give me an excellent answer.

Yes, of course. Watch.

Man on tape: the formula for
the new hydrogen rocket fuel

is c2-h2-o7 subjected
to antifiltration process

and dual carbonic concentration.

- the formu...
- you see?

The recorder plays the
information over and over.

The parrot memorizes
it and then is dispatched

To kaos headquarters overseas.

Very clever, melnik.

Too bad for you we found out.

too bad for you, mr. Smart,

'Cause now we'll
have to k*ll you.

I knew it was too
bad for somebody.

- Take care of them, kosovich.
- right.

I'm warning you, kosovich...

If you point that g*n at us,

Fang's gonna leap at your
throat and tear you to pieces.

- Leap, fang, leap!
- Leap, fang!

Go ahead, fang, leap.

Melnik: he doesn't
respond too well.

Who taught him to leap?

- You did, max.
- Oh.

don't hurt the dog, kosovich.

We'll send him to kaos
headquarters and retrain him.

Here, use this.

- What's that?
- A tranquilizer g*n.

It slows up an
animal's reactions

So that he can be
handled more easily.

Somebody's
at the front door.

I'll go up and see who it is.

You take care of them, kosovich.

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

Oh, by the way,

I almost forgot...

Listen, melnik,
tell me one thing...

Why do you always smile
just before you k*ll someone?

I guess it's just because
I like dealing with people.

All right, smart, I'll
make it easy on you.

- Where do you want it?
- Where?

I'll give it to you
anywhere you want.

How about philadelphia?

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

Wait!

Before you sh**t us, I'd
like to ask for something.

- What is it?
- A goodbye kiss.



- Not him, max, you.
- Oh.

Wait a minute,

- That's not a bad idea.
- What?

An attractive man like kosovich,

A man of action,
daring, strength...

I think I'd like to have
him kiss me goodbye.



The man is a vicious
rotten kaos k*ller.

Everyone has their
little faults, max.

Is this some sort of a trick?

would I trick you
at a time like this?

I can't resist you.



It's those piercing black eyes,

That cruel mouth.

Kiss me, kosovich.

Max, are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right, 99. I've
just been tranquilized.

All right, kosovich,
get up against that wall!

Hold it, 99. Let me
take care of this.

I've got a score...

To settle...

With kosovich.

Kosovich, that's the chief of
control up there at the door.

we gotta k*ll smart
and get out of here.

Kosovich!

Get out of the way!

- Chief, thank goodness.
- Larrabee, take him down to headquarters.

- You got here just in time.
- It looks like that, 99.

But what's with max?
What's going on here?

Oh, it's a little hard
to explain, chief.

You see, max and kosovich
have been tranquilized.

- Tranquilized?
- Mm-hmm.

They've hit each other
with tranquilizing pellets.

It should wear off in a
couple of hours though.

He'll be all right, won't he?

Oh, sure, chief.
He's just asleep.

Look how
peaceful he looks,

like a five-year-old child.

Yes, I know.

Sometimes it worries me.

Here, max, put these tapes away.

We'll turn them over to
the defense department

- Tomorrow morning.
- Where do you want them?

In the wall safe behind
the picture. 99, I'd like you

To help me make out a
report on tonight's activities.

Right, chief. Usual procedure?

Naturally. Three
copies of the report.

File the master copy
and burn the other two.

Of course.

I've been meaning to
ask you about that.

Why do we bother making extra
copies when all we do is destroy them?

It's security procedure, 99.

Doesn't that strike
you as being a little odd?

I used to think so too, but,
well, it's all carefully explained

In the control standard
procedure handbook.

May I have a look at
that handbook sometime?

- I'm afraid not, 99.
- Why not?

We burned it.

Chief, I'm having a little
trouble getting this picture up.

Max!

Uh, chief,

Either this is the wrong picture

Or somebody stole
your wall safe.

It's the wrong picture.

Have you got the
new combination, max?

New combination.

New combination?!

Yes, according to
standard security procedure

We changed the combination
yesterday. Do you have it?

Well, I didn't
memorize it, chief,

- But I had the usual three copies made.
- Where are they?

- We burned them.
- Oh, yes, of course.

Do you have the master copy?

No, I don't, chief.

But I put it in a place
where no one will get it.

Where, max?