02x17 - Someone Down Here Hates Me

[bunniefuu]

Hey, buddy, got a cigarette?

Uh, yes, I do. Thank you.

Wait a minute. Could I borrow
one of your cigarettes?

Oh, certainly.

- Where are you hit?
- In the arm.

I better put a
tourniquet on that.

Give me your arm. Wait a minute.

Max: kaos, eh?

- Then that b*llet was meant for me.
- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this kaos emblem
on your back. Where did you get it?

- How did that get there?
- "How did that get there?"

Are you trying to tell me you don't
know how that tattoo got there?

You can't expect a fella
to remember everything.

All right, get on your feet. I'm
taking you downtown for questioning.

All right, smart, but
I've got news for you.

You're not gonna
live through the day.

You got a price on your head
of a quarter of million dollars.

A quarter of a million
dollars? You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding!

Is that american
money or kaos scrip?

american money!

With that kind of a
price on your head

Every k*ller in the country
is gonna be after you.

you don't stand a chance!

Oh, really? Well, I've
got news for you, fella...

Anybody who tries to
collect that reward

Is gonna have to do
it over my dead body.

Siegfried: you fools!

Incompetents! Bunglers!

Dummkopfs! Sissies!

You call yourselves K*llers?

You are not worthy of the name.

In the past three weeks

Maxwell smart has
personally eliminated

No less than 11...

Do you hear me, stupids?

Maxwell smart has
personally eliminated

No less than 11 of
our most vicious,

Brutal, cold-blooded agents!

Some of whom were
my best, dearest,

Sweetest, kindest friends.

And all because of
your bumbling stupidity!

But let me tell you this...

Who is responsible for
putting this pitcher over here?

This is another example
of your stupidity!

It belongs over here.

Now, we did our best

To try to disguise our
better-known agents.

Maxwell smart
recognized them like this.

Now, listen to this...

I am still offering

$250,000 For maxwell smart,

Dead or alive.

If... Correction! Dead or dead!

This reward may
act as an incentive

To other organizations of evil
to try to make an honest buck.

Now get this through
your thick nitwit skulls!

I warn you as of right now...

If maxwell smart is not k*lled

Within 48 hours

The annual kaos bingo
party and barbecue

Is canceled!

Max, I don't blame
you for being nervous.

Kaos is very anxious
to get rid of you.

Quarter of a million
dollars. And tax-free.

That's an enormous reward.
The biggest I can remember.

I know.

I'd make an attempt
to collect it myself

If I could figure out a
way to live through it.

Max, the important thing is
for you to be more careful

- Than you've ever been in your life.
- You're right, chief.

This whole thing is
beginning to get on my nerves.

The news is all over control.

Why, do you know that the
boys in the lab have a pool

To guess how long I'll be alive?

Wait a minute, chief.

You don't suppose
that anybody in control

Would make an attempt
on my life, do you?

I think you ought to
get of town for a while.

- Why?
- Max, you're very tense.

I think you can use the rest.

Look, chief, I'm not
gonna run away and hide.

Max, your nerves are shot.

You know who are your
friends or who are your enemies.

Next thing you know,
you'll be suspecting me.

That's not true, chief.

If there's one thing in
this world I'm sure of

It's the fact that
you and I are friends.

Well, I should
certainly hope so.

All right, now,
just take it easy.

One false move and
you're a dead man.

Pull your hand out
of your pocket slowly.

Sorry, chief.

Don't ever pull a
handkerchief on a friend.

Max, I'm worried about you.

You really are jumpy.

Don't worry about
me, 99. I'll be all right.

Max!

It's just a car backfiring.

I know that, 99.

- I was just practicing.
- For what?

For the control track meet.


Very strange about that car.

Max, they tried to k*ll us.

So, that's what it was.

- Did you get the license number?
- No, max.

I wonder if it was a kaos
car or a control car.

What are you doing, 99?

Oh, max, I'm hunting for
my electronic finder.

Agent 13 is in the area

And we're supposed to
locate him and get his report.

Oh, okay.

Listen, max.





Max, I think he's in
the vending machine.

I think you're right, 99.

You stay here and let me know

If you see any
suspicious cars coming.

Right, max.

- Is that you, 13?
- No, it's the abominable snowman.

Of course it's me.

All right, what
have you got, 13?

You name it... Pneumonia,
bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.

Look, 13, I feel very sorry
for you but I'm in a hurry.

I don't know, 86. I've got
get out of the spy business.

I'm supposed to be a
secret agent, not a penguin.

Look, 13, have you
seen any kaos agents

Loitering around here
in the neighborhood?

Well, what's the matter now?

You could at least
say gesundheit.

- All right, gesundheit.
- It's too late now.

The reason I ask
about the kaos...

I haven't had such a chill since
I asked the chief for a raise.

I'm asking you,


Gesundheit!

Yeah, now you're talking.

All right, what's
your problem, 86?

Kaos has offered a quarter
of million dollars for my death!

Wow, with that kind of money

I could retire in
florida or arizona.

The last gesundheit
he gets out of me.

- 99, Look at that.
- What, max?

Well, don't you see anything unusual
about the way that man is walking?

Not particularly.

He favors the ball
of his right foot,

Like a man who's been
raised in goat country

And has had to walk
sideways up hills a lot.

There's only one
man in the world

Who has a distinctive
walk like that.

- Who, max?
- His name is valdez

And he's one of
kaos's top assassins.

I'd know that walk anywhere.

You'll see, 99.

He has an evil face,
a big black mustache

And a scar running
across his right cheek.

- What are you gonna do, max?
- I'm going after him, 99.

- You stay here.
- Max, be careful!

All right, valdez, on your feet!

Would you get off of me, mister?

I think you've broken my arm.

Sorry about that.

You see, I thought
you were an old friend.

Max, eat your soup.

It's human to make a mistake.


New around here?

I haven't seen him before. Why?

I don't like his looks.

How is your soup, 99?

Fine.

Here, try mine.

- Fine.
- Oh, I thought it was poisoned.

All right, fella, now just what did
you have in mind for this stiletto?

It's for that gentlemen's steak.

Oh. Sorry about that.

There.

Let's skip lunch, max.

Maybe you're right, 99.

Come on, let's go.

- Hold it, 99.
- What is it, max?

That man over there.

That's a man?

Yes, it's a brilliant
disguise, 99.

But that so-called woman
is actually melvin forester,

Bag man for the kaos syndicate.

notice the twitching in the
neck muscles. That's the giveaway.

Max, don't you think you better
to have a look at melvin's face

- Before you do anything?
- We don't have time, 99.

I've gotta get him
before he sees us.

Max, you're already up on one
count of as*ault and battery.

Shh!

Would you believe two counts?

Max, you need a rest.

You can't go around
jumping on innocent people.

Besides you're in
greater danger all the time.

What do you mean?

Well, they raised the price
on your head to $500,000.

$500,000? That's a
half a million dollars.

That's terrible, chief.

I mean a quarter of a million dollars
is reasonable price for k*lling a man,

But a half a million
dollars caters to greed.

Kaos must be getting frantic.

You're probably closer to
breaking this case than you think.

I don't think so, chief.

Well, why do you think
the price was raised?

Inflation.

Max, I want you get
out of town for a while.

Go to some nice resort
somewhere and relax.

Swim, play some tennis,
take a girl out dancing.

Chief, what are
you talking about?

You can't ask me to
give up my career,

To give up a life of
adventure and intrigue,

To go to some country
club and become a has-been,

Lie around playing
golf and tennis.

- And besides...
- What?

I've got nothing to wear.

Maybe now I can get some rest.

Who is it?

It's me, max.

Who's me?



How do I know you're not
someone pretending to be 99?

You don't.

Oh. Well, what do we do now?

Why don't you look at
me through the peephole?

Good idea.



Max.

- Are you alone?
- yes.

Good.

- Come in, 99.
- Thank you, max.

Okay, 99, what's up?

- I came to say goodbye.
- To whom?

To you. The chief said you
were going away for a rest.

- I'll miss you, max.
- Oh, thank you, 99.

You're welcome. I guess I better
be getting back to control.

- Uh, 99?
- Yes, max.

I don't suppose you'd
consider leaving by the window.

No, thank you.

Well, so long, 99.

All right, start
talking! Who are you?

Max, it's me, joe
freebish, agent 63!

Are you kidding? I've known
joe freebish for years.

Well, let me up
and I'll explain.

All right, get on your feet.

Now get your hands up.

Get over there.

Who are you really?

I've been telling you...
I'm joe freebish, agent 63.

Sounds like joe's voice, max.

Yes. And it's joe's build,
but it's not joe's face.

Well, didn't you hear about the
train wreck I was in last week?

Oh, yes, you almost got k*lled.

I was very self-conscious
about those scars.

Now look.

Now go ahead, 99. You, too.

- Now, feel these cheeks.
- Well, i...

No, please, be my guest.

Huh, huh? Now, pull on my nose.

It's perfect, isn't it, huh?

- Very nice.
- Tell the truth, 86.

Is this a great
face, or isn't it?

It's okay, but I'm still not convinced
you're the real joe freebish.

I've been telling you I am joe!

Maybe he is joe, max.

Well, there's only
sure way to find out.

What happened in cairo

On the night of april 3rd, 1963?

Only the real joe freebish
would know the answer to that.

All right.

- So that's what happened?
- Uh-huh.

I still get letters
from the tall one.

- And then this is all plastic surgery?
- Right.

I don't understand. Plastic
surgery takes weeks to heal.

Not when dr. Noodleman does it.

Isn't he the one who
does plastic surgery

For control agents
without charging anything?

That's the one. He's
a great humanitarian.

Tell me, joe, where is
this doctor located?

His office is in town in
the conway building. Why?

I've gotta clear something up.

And maybe I can bring
an end to this business

Of going around
jumping on people.

Where are you going, max?

To ask dr. Noodleman
a few questions.

It must be very
gratifying, dr. Noodleman,

To give people
new hope, new life.

He who is blessed with a gift

And does not share
it lives in darkness.

I must remember that.

I'm getting a little tired of "a
coward dies a thousand deaths."

Say, that one is
fantastic, doctor.

What did he look like
before the operation?

Noodleman: he had a
little button nose.

But...

I hate little button noses.

Doctor, I came here to ask
you for some information.

It's always a pleasure
to serve control.

Doctor, I have a theory

That while facial
characteristics can be altered,

Flares and twitches are a
different matter. Is this true?

Very true, mr. Smart.

You see, doctor, I've arrested
certain criminals lately.

Criminals that I
thought I recognized.

Then later you discovered
you were mistaken.

Yes, unless...

Unless, those certain criminals have had
certain plastic surgery performed, hmm?

exactly!

Now, doctor, I understand that
you can perform plastic surgery

- That heals almost immediately.
- That is correct.

You see, doctor, I
have reason to believe

That kaos has somehow
gotten ahold of this technique.

That's why I came to you.

I was hoping perhaps you could
give me a list of crooked doctors.

Did you look in
the yellow pages?

Uh, no, I thought perhaps you
could narrow it down faster.

- What's the matter, doctor?
- Possibly nothing.

Would you mind stepping into
my examining room for a moment?

Sit right down, mr. Smart.

Well, what is it, doctor?

Probably nothing.

But as long as you're here,
we might as well take a look.

Make yourself
comfortable. I'll be right back.

Maxwell smart is in my office.

Is there still a $500,000
reward for his death?

Good.

No no, don't send anybody.

I'll k*ll him myself.

Now, mr. Smart...

Let's have a look.

What is it, doctor?

This little scar on your cheek,

How long have you had that?

Since I cut myself
shaving this morning.

Well, as long as we got you here

May as well patch it up.

- How does it feel?
- It's a little tight, doctor.

Good.

Uh, I know this is a
silly question, doctor,

But why am I being strapped in?

Well, so you won't move.

We wouldn't want
you to move and, uh...

Risk spoiling your plastic
features now, would we?

Doctor, when I learned what
you had done for joe freebish

Something in my brain snapped.

What was that, mr. Smart?

Well, I realized that
some other doctor

Was performing the same
operation for the kaos syndicate.

Impossible.

I'm the only one who
knows the technique.

Doctor, I'm gonna
ask you a question

And I want you to
tell me the truth.

Are you going to k*ll me?

Yes.

Wouldn't you like a little more
time to think over your answer?

This will only put
you to sleep, mr. Smart.

You won't feel a thing.

And when I wake up I'll be dead.

Exactly.

Don't move, noodleman,
or you're a dead doctor.

My hand... You ruined it!

- I'll never operate again.
- All right, larrabee, get him out of here.

Freebish and 99 telephoned me
after you left your apartment

And told me where
you were going.

So I decided to come over here
just in case you got into any trouble.

Nothing I couldn't
handle, chief.

Good work, max. I'm
glad this case is closed.

What do you mean
this case is closed?

- This case isn't closed.
- Why not?

Because it's shocking, absolutely
shocking that a quack like that

Could be a control
doctor for 10 years!

I want a complete and thorough
investigation of this entire matter.

Who's in charge of our
medical security division?

- Max, the case is closed!
- Who is it, chief?

You!

That's what I said,
chief. The case is closed.


Are absolutely fantastic.

He must have changed the faces
of over 100 kaos agents, max.

Yes, but at least we have
pictures of what they look like now.

We should be able to
round most of them up.

Good news, max. We've
received additional information

On the $500,000 reward
offered for your death.

- What about it, chief?
- It runs out at midnight tonight.

You mean in four hours
I'll stop being a marked man?

Absolutely. You won't
have to worry any longer

About who your friends
are or who your enemies are.

Oh, come on now, chief,
I never really thought...

That's all right,
max. I understand.

Believe me, in your place I would
have felt exactly the same way.

I wouldn't have
known who to trust.

In that case, I
wonder if you and 99

Would mind doing me a favor
until the deadline runs out.

- Certainly, max.
- What is it?

Stick 'em up!

I mean, there's no use taking
any chances now, is there?

Hey, up, up!