03x15 - The Groovy Guru

[bunniefuu]

"The Grateful Dead are alive and living in Beverly Hills.

" "Simon and Garfunkel fell off the Tallahatchie Bridge.

"
- Agent 86.


- I'm hip.

Courier 12.

Did you get the information about the Groovy Guru? Enough here for the fuzz to peel and freeze.


- Huh?
- Square City.

You know, enough to put him away for life.

You expect me to walk down the street carrying this? In that outfit, who'll notice? Uh, yes, well, do you really think that standard courier procedures are necessary here? We've heard there are purse
-snatchers in the area.


- Oh.


- Here's the key.

Yes, well, I wouldn't want to lose this.

The chief says this is a very important case.

Someone's coming.

Quick, emergency park procedure R
-17.


- Must've gone the other way.


- Uh, yes.

Why don't we wait for him to turn around? Back off, baby.

You're steaming up my shades.

Oh.

Yes.

Well, I'd better get this back to the chief.


- I'm gonna split.


- Ciao, man.

Uh, no thanks.

I just ate.


- Man: Oh, yes!
- Groovy Guru? Wailin' Wanda.

Everything's cool.

Purse with b*mb handcuffed to Square's wrist.


- Crazy!
- In 30 minutes, Control headquarters is gonna turn into a freak
-out.

Cra
-a
-zy!
- Mission accomplished, Chief.


- Good work, Max.

No problems? No problems at all.

Smooth as glass.

Except for a few mashers.

So I guess we really got the goods on the Groovy Guru this time.


- You bet your sweet life we do.


- ( ticking )
I got enough in here to blow this case wide open.

Say, listen, Chief, aren't all our new watches electric? That's right, Max.

They're battery operated.

That's strange.

For the last half hour, I've been hearing the funniest tick.


- Max!
- ( ticking )
Don't tell me there's a b*mb in my purse.

There's a b*mb in your purse! I asked you not to tell me that.


- I'll call the b*mb squad.


- Yes, Chief, you do that.

I'm dying to see them in action.

( alarm sounding )
The b*mb is handcuffed to him.

( gasps )
( expl*si*n )
( theme music playing )
Oh, poor Max!
- He was one of the best, 99.


- ( sobs )

- Max: Chief 99.


- ( 99 gasps )
Max, how? It's really quite simple, Chief.

When I fell down the chute, the purse ripped apart and the b*mb fell out.

Oh, Max! Thank heavens you're all right! Yes, well, I'll tell you one thing
-
- If Kaos paid more than $1.

98 for this purse, they were robbed.

It's obvious the Groovy Guru is trying to k*ll us all.

( phone rings )
Yes? Larrabee: Chief, they've just picked up two more of them.

I was afraid of this.

Send them in.


- ( muted rock music playing )

- Here they are, Chief.

They're gone, Max.

They can't have gone too far, Chief.

They left their ignitions on.

They look like they're in some kind of trance.

Dozens of kids all over town have suddenly gone into a trance.


- I know it's the Groovy Guru.


- Oh, come on, Chief.

You've got to be kidding.

Nobody takes that act seriously.

Oh no? You are movin' and groovin' with the Groovy Guru.

That sound is outtasight! Right?
- Okay, kids, stop dancing for a minute.


- ( music stops )
After my next top
-of
-the
-pops selection, I'm going to fill you in on my nationwide TV special tonight, when you're all going to get the big big message.

Now, more groovy sounds.

( music resumes )
You see what I mean? The kids do whatever the guru tells them.

What's that about a TV special, Chief? That's what scares me, 99.

The Groovy Guru is going on national television.

Now at least 10 million teenagers will be watching him.

Do you have any idea how much damage can do to this country? I thought they'd already done it.

They're mild and peaceful now, but we don't know what the big big message is.

Max, the guru must be stopped.

Don't worry, Chief.

Have I ever failed you? Have I failed you recently? How about today? Max, I've got something for you at Dr.

Steele's lab, but first I want to tell 99 what her instructions are.

( burlesque music playing )
Kaos would never guess that Control's lab is hidden backstage at the Follies, would they, Max? Yes, and that one of their featured dancers is our top chemist, Dr.

Steele.

It's a perfect front.

Back's not bad either, Chief.

Chief, 86, I'll be with you in a minute.

Just take your time, Dr.

Steele.

Uh, Max, maybe we'd better wait back at the lab.

Don't be ridiculous, Chief.

It's our duty to stay here and see that Dr.

Steele doesn't lose her cover.

Uh, figuratively speaking, of course.


- I'm almost finished.


- ( gasping, stammering )
D
-do whatever you want, dear.

Max, maybe we'd better wait in the lab.

Those are the pills, agent 86.

I'll just go ahead and change for my next number.

I don't understand why I have to take a pill to tell a lie.

Max, two of our best agents worked on the Groovy Guru case, and both have disappeared.

What happened today proves they've been talking.

Yes, well, you know I wouldn't talk, Chief.


- What if they t*rture you?
- Hmm?
- What if they t*rture you?
- Oh, t*rture.

Well, I can stand the pain if they can stand the screaming.

You know, I don't believe the guru uses t*rture.

It's my theory that he's developed a subtle but incredibly effective method of extracting information.

That's why I invented those pills to make you lie.

I call them "Gay Deceivers.

" Yes, well, Dr.

Steele, tell me, how long does it take these pills to work? Oh, instantaneously.

And my tests in my laboratory prove that they last up to 15 minutes.


- ( sneezes )

- Gesundheit.


- Are you catching cold?
- Yes.

Do you know it's the fifth cold I've had this year?
- I don't understand it.


- I don't understand it either.

Uh, why don't you come over to my apartment tonight? I've got some wonderful, uh, nose drops.

( phone buzzes )
Uh, hello? Yes yes, he's here.

Chief, it's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, this is the Chief speaking.

Oh, hello, 99.

Good.

Yes, Max has the pills, the lie pills.

Oh, fine.

He'll meet you right outside.


- Good luck, Max.


- ( swallows )
to the missing agents.

She's waiting for you outside.

Now you two are to go to the guru's temple.


- Anything wrong, Max?
- Hmm? No no no.

Nothing at all, Chief.

Max, this is a big case.

If you cr*ck it, I'll see to it that you get a substantial raise.

I don't want a raise, Chief.

The privilege of working for a dedicated man like you is all the reward I need.

Max? Max!
- The name is Fred.


- Oh, Max, this is no time for jokes.

We've got to find the guru's temple.

Call a cab.


- There are no taxis around here.


- But, Max
-
- The name is Fred.

( blows )
Taxi!
- Where to, buddy?
- I'm not going anywhere.


- Max!
- Fred.

And I'm not in your cab, buddy.


- Are you looking for trouble?
- Yes, I certainly am.

Max, what are you doing? He's a wise guy.

Chum, how would you like a punch in the nose? I'd love it.

Okay.

Out!
- Good.


- Max! Max, please.

Why are you doing this? Look, buddy, I don't want to slug ya.

I'm bigger than you.

Oh, really? Well, I happen to be 6'8" and a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers.

Go ahead, slug me.

I want you to.

Please don't fight with him.

He doesn't know what he's doing.


- Just you keep out of this, 99.


- Had enough? No.

I'd like a little more.

Oh, Max! Max! The lie pill! You took a lie pill!
- I did not.


- All right.

Would you like to kiss me right now?
- I certainly would.


- You took a lie pill.


- Did you like that?
- No.


- This must be the place, 99.


- Right, Max.

First let's make sure that the lie pill's worn off.

Who are you? Are you kidding? That's a silly question.

I'm Maxwell Smart, Control's triple
-thr*at agent and the idol of millions of kids from eight to 80.

Good.

It's worn off.

Now, for the first lesson in self
-realization and inner knowledge
-
- the contemplation of the navel.

Your own navel, please.

Huh? Oh.

Yes.

Who knows which existence is ours? Last night I dreamed I was a butterfly.

Today am I a butterfly, dreaming I'm a man, hmm? Hmm? Contemplate, my children.

I will speak to the guru and return shortly.

wrong here.

That girl isn't a hippie.

She's a Kaos agent.

I saw her picture in the files.

That proves that the guru is linked to Kaos.

Yes.

Well, we'll just have to keep up with this foolishness until we get a chance to see the guru.

Max, I don't think it's foolishness.

I'm beginning to tingle all over.

Me too.

My feet are asleep.

How are your contemplations progressing? Um, I see doves flying across a blue sky.

Uh, I see boats sailing across a peaceful sea.

You must have a wide
-screen navel.

The guru will see you now.

Follow me.

What kind of room is this? Groovy Guru: It is a room from which there is no escape.

But we just came to meditate with the Groovy Guru.

Tell your bird to cool it, Smart.

We heard your conversation in the other room.

There was a crazy little listening device concealed in the carpet.

The old bug
-in
-the
-rug trick and we fell for it.

You are about to fall again.

Max, look! ( screams )
Max, where are we? Groovy Guru: You will dig in a minute, Lady Fuzz.


- Your search is ended.


- ( beeps )
It's the Groovy Guru.

You are hip, Agent 86.

Welcome to the Temple of Meditation and Inner Peace.

Temple, eh? Looks more like Kaos headquarters to me.

Right again.

You're getting down to the nitty
-gritty, baby.

Oh, really? Well, you forgot about one thing, my friend
-
- this!
- Bulletproof glass!
- Oh, relax, Max.

Don't get uptight.

My bag is putting out sound, real mind
-bending stuff.

That's why them Kaos cats cut me in on the action.

And now meet the swingers who are gonna turn on teenyboppers.


- Go, babies!
- ( rock music playing )
( laughs )
The Sacred Cows! Of course! The Sacred Cows! Of course it's the Sacred Cows! It has to be the Sacred Cows! Who else could it be but the Sacred Cows?
- One question, 99.


- What's that, Max? Who are the Sacred Cows? They're the hottest rock and roll group in the country, Max.

Of course.

The Sacred Cows.

Yeah, and with my electronic sound control fed into the amplifier, the swingin' sounds ain't just hip, they are hypnotizing.

Dig! The missing Control agents! How awful! You said it.

They're terrible dancers.

As you can see, their minds are grooving my wavelength.

One word from me and they'd wipe out their own grandmothers.

Okay, cats, freeze the sounds.

( music stops )
Tonight, all of Televisionland's teenagers are gonna be on my wavelength.

And when I say go, they are going to att*ck all the squares of the establishment, you dig? And Scooby
-Dooby
-Doo, Kaos walks right in and take over.

Yes, well, you're not dealing with teenagers here, Guru.

Control will never let you get to those kids.

Oh, correction.

Correction, fuzz.

You two are gonna stop Control once I tune you in and take over your minds.

Okay, boys, from the top.

( music resumes )
You're wasting your time, Guru.

I've trained my mind to go completely blank anytime I want it to.

That's right.

He can do that.

Don't speak too soon.

You ain't heard the lyrics yet.

( singing )
Max, quick! I'm weakening! The lie pills!
- I only have one left, 99.


- Break it in half, Max!
- Right.


- ( gasping )
Oh, Max!
- Okay, cats, cool it.


- ( music stops )
All right, Smart, cool it.

Now you're gonna destroy Control.

But for a starter, sh**t the chick.


- With what?
- The g*n.

The g*n in your hand.

What g*n? This isn't a g*n.

This is my nephew's rubber duck.

Don't you try putting me on, Jim.

You're in my groove and you will do as I say, right?
- Wrong!
- Get him! Man, they are both way out.

Come on, I've got to go upstairs for the television rehearsal.

We'll take care of them later.

Max! Max! Oh, poor Max! Are you all right? Those lie pills are dangerous, 99.

They made my ears ring.

Oh, Max, come on.

We've got to get out of here.

Well, made the scene just in time.


- Where were we?
- Max: Uh, where were we? Uh, yes.

If I remember correctly, you were just about to k*ll us.

Thanks, Smart.

Now look at the two groovy red lights.


- ( beeps )

- That's the transmitter eye of the most powerful amplifier in the world.

Like E.

S.

A.

woofed up to a million.


- What does that mean, Max?
- It's hip talk.

It means, "like E.

S.

A.

woofed up to a million.

" That's "electronic sound amplification," dumb
-dumb.

Up to where a pin drop sounds like an earthquake.

Oh, this gets real loud, friends.

If I was you, I'd do more listening than talking.

'Cause one loud noise and zonk! No more eardrums.

( mouths words )
( hearts pounding )
What you hear is your heartbeats.

Kind of a knocked
-out tempo, ain't it? ( loud buzzing )
Ah, now, don't flip, kiddies.

A mosquito must be in the pad with you.

( buzzing continues )
( buzzing stops )
( crashes )
Wild, huh? Well, I've got to cut out of here.

My show goes on in five minutes.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I got the transmitter eye set so the sound gets higher and higher until the vibration from your heartbeats are gonna blow your brains apart.

Pow! I kind of envy you.

It's a groovy way to make the big dropout.

( whispering )
Max, what are we going to do? One chance
-
- tuning fork in my watch.

Oh, Max, we couldn't be in worse trouble.

Oh yes, we could, 99.

I think I've got the hiccups.


- ( hiccups )

- ( gasps )
it worked, Max! How did you do it? This tuning fork set up vibrations too high for the human ear but high enough to shatter.

Max, we've got to get out of here.

The broadcast is about to start.

All you sound trippers and hippies, you gather round the boob tube and tune up high, you dig? We are through cogitating, we're through meditating, we have given up infiltrating and now we're gonna start demonstrating and eliminating.

So you take your cue from the Groovy Guru and listen while the Sacred Cows lay the big message on you.

Go, man, go! ( rock music playing )
( singing )
All right, Guru, that's it.

The show's over.

Stop the music.

Keep it going, Cows.

Well, I did it, 99.

I hope I'm not too late.

I don't know how much of that message got through.

None of it got through, Max.

Don't tell me you pulled the plug.

I pulled the plug, Max.

You asked me not to tell you that, didn't you? ( theme music playing )