04x04 - The Secret of Sam Vittorio

[bunniefuu]

( banjo playing )

Announcer: You are looking at recently

-discovered motion pictures of the notorious bank

-robbing team of Connie and Floyd.

Prior to their apprehension and incarceration, these happy

-go

-lucky t*rrorists got their kicks robbing banks all the way from Gallup, New Mexico, to Flagstaff, Arizona.

And don't forget Winona, Kingman, Barstow and San Bernardino.

Miss Connie Barker, daughter of a Carnie Barker, yearning for the bright lights and the gay life of the big city, ran away from home at the age of three.

Floyd Darrow on the other hand couldn't run away from home because he lived in a trailer camp, and no matter how far he went home was always catching up to him.

Now why would a good

-looking kid like that turn to a life of crime? The fact that he couldn't do anything else made this good

-looking kid turn to a life of crime.

Connie and Floyd cut a swath of crime through seven states, robbing banks and eluding capture by the police.

Through it all, they got along famously.

Although they were never actually married, they often acted like they were.

Connie and Floyd were inseparable.

They had a fantastic relationship and were considered by their contemporaries to be two of the swellest crooks in the Southwest.

They were always on the run, stopping only now and then to have their picture taken and fix a bumper.

( announcer reads )

Had they not followed a life of crime, Connie and Floyd would have undoubtedly ended up in the used

-car business.

The Darrow g*ng might have remained a pair of smalltime hoods had it not been for a chance meeting with Floyd's boyhood hero, the biggest bank robber of them all

-

- Sneaky Sam Vittorio, so called because of his odd penchant for wearing tennis sneakers while pulling jobs.

These are amazing newsreel pictures, Chief.

They're not newsreel pictures, 99.

Connie and Floyd carried their own photographer.

These are their personal films.

It's little wonder that Connie and Floyd were so smitten with Vittorio, for this affable crook was responsible for closing more banks than the Depression.

This was the beginning of a long and prosperous relationship between Vittorio and Connie and Floyd.

They remained inseparable, piling up one of the most impressive records in the annals of modern crime.

Now you see why I wanted you to take a look at that film.

That's it, Chief.

There's no time to waste, 99.

We've got to go get those crooks.

Max, that film was made 30 years ago! All the more reason why we should hurry.



- They've got a big head start on us.



- ( g*n fires )

Max, are you all right? Missed me by that much, Chief.

Connie and Floyd have been in jail for 30 years.

What about Sam Vittorio, Chief? Good question, 99.

Don't you think that was a good question, Chief?

- Yes, I do, Max.



- Me too.

In answer to your question, 99, they were never able to make a conviction stick against Sam Vittorio.

However, they deported him in 1937 as an undesirable alien.



- To Italy?

- No, to Pittsburgh.



- Pittsburgh?

- They really threw the book at him.

He's been living there in exile ever since.

In looking at the film, I can't help but be struck by the remarkable resemblance of Connie and Floyd.

Oh really? I didn't think they looked anything alike.



- Not like each other, Max, like us.



- That's precisely why you were chosen for this assignment.

You see, even though Sam Vittorio robbed more than 150 banks, when he was arrested all he had on him was $1.

36.

Well, $1.

36 went a lot further in those days, Chief.

Vittorio must have stolen millions, but we've never been able to find out where he hid it.

It looks like we're finally going to get a break.



- What happened, Chief?

- We've gotten word that Vittorio is dying and he's made arrangements to break Connie and Floyd out of prison.

Apparently he's going to tell them his secret.



- What secret?

- Where Vittorio hid the money, Max.

Well, even if he does tell them, how are we going to get them to tell us? He's not going to tell them, Max.

He's gonna tell you, because you two are gonna pose as Connie and Floyd.

With the strong resemblance, we should be able to pull it off.

I can't impress upon you the importance of this assignment.

If KAOS should get their hands on that money before we do, they could finance their operations for years.

Don't worry, we won't let you down.

We're depending upon you.

Now here's the plan: tomorrow morning Connie and Floyd are being transferred to a coeducational maximum security prison farm.

Vittorio has bribed the guards transporting them who will allow them to escape at a rendezvous point on Route 12.

Luckily, we found out about it in time.

The two guards were placed under arrest and Connie and Floyd were transferred last night.

Now Agent Larrabee and I will replace the two guards and tomorrow morning at the rendezvous point you two will be making your escape.

Have you got it?

- Not all of it, Chief.



- What part didn't you get? The part after "Now here's the plan.

" ( theme music playing )

We're nearing their rendezvous point.

Vittorio's arranged to leave a car for you.

Remember, his men will be watching from a vantage point, so when you jump, make it look good.

How fast will we be going when we jump? We'll slow it down some, but we've got to make it look authentic.

Get the handcuffs on.



- ( grunts )



- Chief: Something the matter, Max? I swallowed my toothpick.

I see the getaway car up ahead, Chief.

Now remember, you're to drive to a place called Danny's Diner on Route 63.

Vittorio's men will contact you there.



- Now get ready.



- Okay.

One, two, three! Max, why didn't you jump?! I did, 99, but I forgot to unfasten my seat belt.

Chief: All right, Larrabee, take the next cutoff.

We'll try it again.



- Seat belt unbuckled, Max?

- Right, Chief.

Okay.

One, two, three! Sorry about that, 99.

I thought we were going out this door.

Chief: We'll try it again.

Take the next cutoff.

Your seat belt's unbuckled, you're going out that door and there'll be no slip

-ups this time! This is it!

- ( handle rattling )



- The door won't open!

- Let me, 99.



- Hurry! Sit back, 99.

Get me a doctor.

I think i've just broken my ankle.



- Get going, Max!

- The door's working.



- Okay, one

- Wish us luck, Chief.



- Good luck.



- two, three! Chief, what are you doing here? Was there a change in plans?

- 99: Oh!

- Go ahead, Chief.

Get it all out of your system.

Vittorio's men are watching! We've got to make this look legitimate! Here, you take my g*n.

I'll run and you sh**t at me! But for heaven's sakes, miss me! Right, Chief.

Hold it, 99.



- What, Max?

- We're going the wrong way.

How can you tell? Because I have an uncanny sense of direction.

I have an instinctive feel for this kind of thing.

But if you really want to know, I have three reasons.

First, the sun is over my right shoulder.

Second, the leaves in this section of the country have a peculiar discoloration.

And three, we're on a slight upgrade when we should be walking downhill.

Now if my wind calculations are correct, Danny's Diner should be seven miles in that direction.



- Max, that's fantastic.



- Thank you, 99.

Let's hold hands.

That way no one will be able to see the handcuffs.

Right, Max.

Coming through.

You sit there.

I'll sit over here.

Max.

( clears throat )

Oh.

Pardon me, fella, but would you mind sitting here? We'd like to sit together.

I think this guy sitting next to me is our contact.

Are you sure? I've had enough experience with the criminal element to know a crook when I see one, 99.

Max, we've got to be absolutely certain.

I am absolutely certain.

Look at that face, those shifty eyes.

Anything else, Sheriff? Oh, Max, we've got to be more careful.

If you had given us away, our whole mission would have failed.

I don't think it's fair for a lawman not to wear a uniform.

Now you take those two guys there.



- ( gasps )



- I know for sure

-

- I can tell that they're cops.

Okay, Connie and Floyd, you've got a choice: you come along quietly, or go out feet first.

Uh, just a moment, Officer, you're making a big mistake.



- We're not who you think we are.



- Oh, dummy up, Floyd.



- We ain't cops.

We're Vittorio's boys.



- Those uniforms! We knocked out a couple of guys and took 'em.

The whole countryside is lousy with fuzz.

We figure this is the safest way to get you to the boss.

When you get us in the car, you gotta get us out of these handcuffs.

And you'd better get rid of those uniforms.



- Why?

- If we happen to be stopped at a roadblock, it's gonna be pretty hard to explain to them how we got arrested by two firemen.

I told him there was no such a thing as a red police car.

Man over radio: Connie Barker and Floyd Darrow did it again.

They broke out of the state maximum

-security penitentiary.

And despite the best efforts of the police of four states, Connie and Floyd have managed to slip through several dozen roadblocks and at this moment are still at large.

That's my kids.

And now on the lighter side of the news: two firemen were found walking on Route 63 in their underwear today, and they claim

-

-

- ( knocks on door )



- Get out of here! Man: It's me, boss.

I've got you

-know

-who with me.

What? Well, just don't stand there, tell Sam we're here.

Eh, yes, well, don't just stand there,

- tell Sam we're here.



- We're here, Sam.

Welcome home, kids.

For old times' sake, give me the secret handshake.

The old secret handshake, Floyd.

I'm waiting.

Uh, yes, the old secret handshake.

Of course.

You remember the old secret handshake, Connie, that Sam and I always used to give to each other.



- Oh, sure.



- Would you settle for a kiss? That's the second part.

Now get over here, give me the handshake.

Now that's the old secret handshake.

In that case could we skip the kiss? ( laughs )

Your old man here could never walk through a room without falling over something.

Ahem.

You need me for anything else, boss? No, Monk, you did a good job.

Just one more thing.



- What?

- Get out of here.

Well, kids, this calls for a big celebration.

But I mean a real celebration.

I'm gonna phone Rocky and get him to get all the old g*ng together.

They're dying to see you.

Mix us some drinks, Floyd.



- Good idea, Sam.

What'll you have?

- The usual.

The u

-u

-u

-usual.



- What is the "usual"?

- I don't know, Max.

That wasn't in our indoctrination course on Vittorio.

What are we gonna do? Ahem.

I'll just

-

- I'll just have to think of something.

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

That's too bad.

I just talked to Rocky's old lady.

He went out to bust a bank tonight and he won't be back for 20 years.

They caught him.

You know, Sam, we got word that you wanted to see us about something.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, I guess you kids heard I ain't gonna be around much longer.

( coughs )

That's right, I'm making the big break.

Well, we've heard that, but you don't look sick.

I don't feel sick neither, but Dr.

Foster said I could go for 30 days.



- 99: Is that all?

- "Is that all"? Are you kidding? No judge was ever able to give me 30 days.

Even at that, I'm outliving the doc.

He got k*lled.



- What happened?

- Right after he told me I only had 30 days I sh*t him.

Hey, Floyd, how about my drink? Uh, coming right up, Sam.

Here you are.

This should give you a big lift.

Now where's mine? Oh yeah, this is it.

Thanks, Floyd.

Uh, my pleasure, Sam.

You know, it's just like old times.

And you two kids are the closest thing to family I have.

And when a man feels his time is coming, that he has to get out, he

-

- he likes to leave something valuable to the people he holds dear to remember him by.

But this is no time to get maudlin.

Of course it's no secret that I got a secret and I'm gonna tell it to you when the time comes.

Only the time could come sooner than I expect

-

- but that's being negative.



- I'll tell you what we'll do.



- You go ahead.

I'll wait here.

No, let's have a game of pinochle.

Look, Sam, why don't you tell us the secret first? Like you said, Sam, the time could come sooner than you think,

- sort of unexpectedly.



- No no no, I'll know when the time is coming.

My room would suddenly grow dark, and I'll hear the voice of an angel singing.

But besides, I've still got Though I get a little tired once in a while.

Matter of fact, I think I'll go upstairs and take a rest.

Oh, and kids, when the time comes,

- I want you to do me a big favor.



- What's that, Sam? Tiptoe into my room and whisper in my ear that "My Mother the Car" is coming back on television.



- Why?

- So I won't mind going.

Max, we can't stay here a whole month! We're getting married in a few weeks and I've already sent out the wedding invitations.

Are you sure? I didn't get one.

The groom doesn't get an invitation to his own wedding.

Besides, Vittorio may live longer than 30 days.

You're right, 99.

Gangsters aren't very dependable.

Anyway, I don't see how we can keep up the Connie and Floyd disguise that long.

to tell us the secret.

Max: well, we've got to make him believe

- that he's dying right now.



- But how? We'll sh**t him.

( buzzes )

Yes? I know Connie and Floyd escaped.

We engineered the whole thing.

The real Connie and Floyd? Thank you.

Chief, the real Connie and Floyd just escaped.

I know that! You just told me that on the phone! Was that you? I thought I dialed my wife.

Max and 99 are in danger.

Let's go.

Chief, do I have time to call my wife? ( knocks on door )



- Who's there?

- Floyd: Open up! It's Connie and Floyd! What are you doing out there? It's dangerous.



- You're telling us!

- Where's Sam?

- Upstairs taking a nap.



- Come on, Connie.

Let's go.

Hey! Hold it! You can't disturb him.

When he finds out we're here, he's gonna want to see us right away.

What are you talking about? You just

-

- Sam: Hey, Monk! I want to see Connie and Floyd right away! See? Come on, Connie.

Now what we have to do is go up to Sam's bedroom and make him believe that the end is drawing near.



- How are we gonna do that?

- Well, Sam gave us the clue himself.

He said when the end is drawing near the lights in the room would dim and he would hear the voice of an angel singing.

Come on.

Hello, Angelo Carpet Cleaners? Yeah, I want you to pick up a rug that'll need cleaning in about 10 minutes.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'll have two big red spots in it and the bodies from whence they came.



- Now look, let me talk to Angelo.



- ( knocks on door )

Come in.

Angelo, guess who this is.



- Both: Sam!

- Yeah, how'd you guess?

- Be right with you.



- How do you like that for a greeting from a guy we haven't seen for 20 years? I told you we should've written to him more often from prison.

Yeah, that's all right, Angelo.

Yeah, the custom job would suit my needs perfectly.

( coughs )

Yeah, look, wait a minute.

Hey, Floyd, get my pills, will you? They're in the closet in my gray pinstriped suit.

Sure thing, Sam.

I'll go in and dim the lights.

You wait out here a few seconds then you come in singing, and try to sound like an angel.

Right, Max.

I certainly hope this works.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sam, I thought you were still sleeping.



- How did you do that?

- Do what?

- Get in here before I did.



- I came in with you.

But you were supposed to wait until i dimmed the lights.



- I was?

- Yeah, I know, Angelo.

Wait a minute.



- Hey, Floyd, where's my pills?

- I don't know.

They must be in my other robe in that closet.



- Go and get 'em, will you?

- Sure, Sam.

Sam: Hey, don't keep me waiting, Angelo.

Hey, Connie, get me a drink of water, will you?

- From that bathroom, baby.



- Sure, Sam.

Here are your pills, Sam.

( vocalizing music )



- What are you doing?

- I'm singing.

Why didn't you lower the lights? Why, do you sound better in the dark? Will you get me some water before I choke? I'll get it for you, Sam.



- Here's your water, Sam.



- Wait a minute.



- How did you do that?

- Do what? Why do you keep asking me that? Yeah, okay, Angelo.

See you later.

Thank you, Connie.

And now I got something for the two of you.



- ( g*nshots )



- Oh! ( gasps )

Sam! Max!

- Me!

- I found two bottles, Sam.

Which one do you want, the big pills or the little pill?

- ( groans )



- Oh, thank heaven you're all right! But Sam's been sh*t.

Oh, in that case I'd better give him the big ones.

Max, he's still alive! Connie and Floyd, you finally got here.



- Yes, it's us, Sam.



- I gotta tell you my secret.

Take it easy, Sam.

Don't try to talk.



- Save your strength.



- Well, I ain't got much time, but I gotta talk to you.

Come closer.

The secret

-

-

- Max!

- I'm all right, 99.

You know, in my lifetime I must've robbed 150 banks, maybe 160.

I guess it was closer to 200.

Uh, yeah,

- 192 to be exact.



- Where did you hide the money, Sam? What money? Most of the banks I robbed went bust in the Depression.

Then what's your secret? Crime doesn't pay! ( theme music playing )