04x08 - The Return of the Ancient Mariner

[bunniefuu]

Who wrote "Little Women"? Lonely little men.

( recites lyrics )

( reciting lyrics )



- Good morning, Chief.



- Morning, Max.

I'll certainly be glad when the security alert is over.

I've spent half my time learning new passwords and countersigns.

Do we really have to be that careful just because the Chameleon is back in circulation? Max, the Chameleon is the most insidious agent KAOS has.

Remember he can make himself look and sound like anybody in the world.

Yeah, he's really terrific.

He can even do Frank Gorshin.

But surely, he can't penetrate the security of CONTROL.

He's done it once before.

He disguised himself as one of our men and crashed the Christmas party.

The worst part is he made a total fool of himself.



- What's so bad about that?

- He was disguised as me.

Chief, did you want to talk to me about something? No, I didn't want to talk to you about something.

I was under the impression you wanted to talk to me.

No, I didn't want to talk to you, Chief.

Oh well, I didn't want to talk to you either.



- Chief, have you got a minute?

- Yes, why? There's something I want to talk to you about.

You see, Chief, well I'm getting married in a few days and I was gonna have Hymie the robot as my best man and you sent him out of the country on an assignment.

I'm sorry, Max, but this was a very special mission.

It called for someone who was passive, emotionless.

Someone who wouldn't show any signs of feeling.

It had to be the robot.

Couldn't you get Ed Sullivan? Max, you'll be needing a best man.

I'd like to recommend someone whom everyone in CONTROL holds in great reverence and respect.

Thank you, Chief, but I can't be my own best man.

Not you, Max.

I'm referring to Admiral Hargrade, the former head of CONTROL.

The old man himself, eh? I'm very honored, Chief, But, well gosh, he's 95 years old.

Do you think he can do the job? I said he'd be the best man, not the groom.

Max, I strongly recommend it.



- How strongly?

- It's an order.

In that case, I accept the recommendation.

Max, this is all very hush

-hush.

The admiral is arriving in Washington for some top

-level secret conferences involving the security of our nation, as well as to pitch in the old

-timer's baseball game against the CIA.

But we have one problem: the admiral must be given full protection at all times.

Right, we don't want the CIA to win that ballgame.

As you know, the admiral has very little concern for his own personal safety.

As your best man, we could provide him with full security without his even being aware of it.

Now he'll stay at your apartment and you're to keep your eye on him at all times.

Max, I don't have to tell you how much KAOS would like to get the admiral in their clutches.

( phone buzzes )

( whistle tweets )

The admiral's arriving now.

Admiral, for a man your age, you're in remarkable shape.



- I don't know how you do it.



- Prunes.

Thank you, Thaddeus.

Hey, isn't this room a little smaller than it used to be? Max, aren't you going to say something to the admiral? Who wrote "Little Women"? Louisa May Alcott.



- Wrong.



- Max.

I danced the Virginia Reel with Louisa at a cotillion back in '86.

She always wore essence of lavender

-

- used to perspire a lot.

Could you give me a little shove, please? Thank you.

Chief

-

- Hold it, Larrabee.

Who wrote "Little Women"? The book or the picture? It was a book?

- This just arrived for the admiral.



- Thanks, Larrabee.

"Welcome back.

Stop.

Will do everything within my power to get you.

Stop me if you can.

Cordially, the Chameleon.

" The nerve of that man to send a wire like that.

I'll say he's got nerve.

He sent it collect.

Gentlemen, these are dangerous times.

We must be ever alert, vigilant and ready at a moment's notice to take ( snores )

( theme music playing )

Okay, Admiral, let's whip you a little fastball right in here.

Oh, dear.

( doorbell rings )

Are you all right, Admiral? Oh, don't worry about me.

Just get the door.

Who's there? It's me, Max.

Who wrote "Little Women"? I don't know.

Why, are you doing a crossword puzzle? If you really are who you're supposed to be, you'd know the password.

Max, this is my day off.

I haven't even been down to CONTROL headquarters.

A likely story.

All right, Chameleon, step inside, and don't make any false moves.

Max, I'm not the Chameleon.

I'm 99.

We'll soon see.

What are you gonna do? I'm going to dial 99's home phone number.

If she answers, then I'll know that you're an impostor.

But, Max Answering machine: Hello, this is 99.

Thank you, 99.

That's all I wanted to know.

All right, Chameleon, are you ready to confess? Max, that's my voice on my a*t*matic answering device.

You don't really expect me to buy that one, do you? If you're so convinced I'm the Chameleon, pull the trigger.

You're a clever devil, Chameleon, disguising yourself as the one person in the world you know I couldn't harm.

Oh, Max, it's really me.

Well, I certainly hope it's you, 99.

Because if it's not, I just fell in love with the Chameleon.

It is me, Max.

All right, I'll buy that for now.



- But I'll find out on Saturday night.



- What do you mean? We're getting married Saturday morning.

And I warn you, if I find out on our wedding night that you're really the Chameleon, you're paying for half the room.

Max, is that Admiral Hargrade? Yes, come on, 99.

Give me a hand.

Get him on the couch.



- ( snoring )



- What's he doing here? Right now, he's taking a nap.

You see, 99, Hymie is away on a very important mission.

So the admiral is gonna be my best man.

He's staying here with me until the wedding.

That's why all the fuss about the password.

The Chameleon knows that he's here and he's after him.

It's my job to protect him.

That's why no one is coming through that door unless they know the password.



- What about Mr.

Bob?

- Mr.

Bob who? Just Mr.

Bob.

The interior decorator.

He's coming to look at the apartment.



- I'm sorry he can't come in.



- But, Max! You said when we decided we'd live here after we got married that I could redecorate this place my way.

If you want to redecorate it your way, what do you need with Mr.

Bob? That's what a interior decorator is for

-

- to help you redecorate your way his way.



- I'm sorry, he can't come in.



- Max! I'm sorry, 99.

Make him come back in a couple of weeks.

No, that won't work.

If he doesn't get started right away it won't be finished by the time we get back from our honeymoon.

( snores, mumbles )

Shh, you're waking the admiral.

Please, Max.

Well, all right, he can come in.

But he's gonna get a very close examination.



- ( doorbell rings )



- That must be him now.

I'll see.



- Is it him?

- I can't tell.



- Is it a man or a woman?

- That's what I can't tell.

That's him.



- We've gotta get him out of sight.



- Right, Max.

Come on, Admiral.

Florence Nightingale? No, Admiral.

I'm 99.

You sure don't look it, dear.

All right, Admiral.

Let's go now.

You'll have to finish your nap someplace else.

We're expecting some company.



- ( doorbell rings )



- Coming.

Right up the stairs, old timer.

( thuds )



- ( snoring )



- ( doorbell rings )

Just a minute.

Hi, I'm Mr.

Bob.

I'm Mr.

Max.

Ehh

-

- I'm afraid, Mr.

Bob, before I can allow you to come in here, I'll have to see some form of identification.



- I may even have to search you.



- Oh On second thought, I think identification will be quite enough.

Well, Mr.

Max, I can understand why you want to be sure I'm me.

There are so many impostors.

When you're paying Mr.

Bob, you have a right to know you're getting Mr.

Bob.

Which license would you like to see?

- Driving or flying?

- Either one.

Here we are.

Are you kidding me? This picture doesn't look anything like you.



- That's my thumbprint.



- Oh.

All right, you can come in.

Thank you.

Miss 99.

What do you think? Hate it.

Hate it.

Hate it.

( gasps )

Except, of course this wonderful old admiral lamp.

Does it turn on? Let's see, and six yards of the purple burlap.

It's gonna be the challenge of my career, but I think I can do it.

You ever thought about moving? I'm not so sure I like the idea of a trampoline instead of a bed.

Oh, I have one, Miss 99.

I just love it.

Of course it is difficult to find sheets for it.

Well, ciao.



- 86, the Chief

-

-

- Hold it, hold it, Larrabee.

Who wrote "Little Women"? The play or the TV special?

- It was a play?

- No time for passwords, Max.

The Chief wants to see you and 99 immediately.



- What's up, Larrabee?

- I don't know.

Something about the Chameleon.

I'll stay here and guard the admiral.

Now just a moment, Larrabee.

If the Chief wanted to talk to us, why did he send you over here? Why didn't he call us on the phone? Your line might've been tapped.

That makes sense.

All right Larrabee, you can stay here and guard the admiral.

But don't let anybody in that door for any reason whatsoever.

Most important of all, don't take your eyes off the old man for a minute.



- Max?

- What is it?

- Where is the admiral?

- 99.

Wake up, Admiral.

( yawns )

I think I need a haircut.

What'd you wanna see us about, Chief? What're you two doing here? You're supposed to be guarding the admiral! Larrabee came to my apartment and said you wanted to see us right away, Chief.

Didn't you, Larrabee? Larrabee, what are you doing here? I left you at the apartment to guard the admiral.



- No, you didn't, Max.



- I didn't?

- No!

- Who did we leave to guard the admiral?

- The Chameleon!

- Of course, the Chameleon.

The Chameleon? Don't be ridiculous, 99.

I wouldn't leave the admiral with the Chameleon! Max, don't you understand? Larrabee was the Chameleon! Come on.

Larrabee, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Hurry up, Max.

We don't know what's going on in there.

Wouldn't you know it? I left my key inside on the desk.

We've got to get in there.

Larrabee, break the door down.

Hold it, Larrabee.

Don't be ridiculous, Chief.

This door is impregnable.

It's built to stand the onslaught of a dozen burly toughs, hand grenades, an antitank g*n, and possibly my landlady.

How are we gonna get in there? Well, there is one way.

I always keep an extra key under the mat.

( gasps )

Admiral! Is he, or isn't he?

- Is he or isn't he what?

- Alive.



- He's still breathing.



- Do something, Max.

I'll do anything but mouth

-to

-mouth resuscitation.

( moans )

Help me up, please.

What happened, Admiral? Well, let me see now.

I was standing here, not doing anything in particular you understand, just standing.

And suddenly this fellow came bursting through that door and began to att*ck me.

( coughs )

And then he chased me around the room.

Here's your man! ( gasps )

That's not your attacker, Admiral.

This is Agent Larrabee.

Oh, well then, who att*cked me? That was the Chameleon very cleverly disguised to look like Larrabee.

You see, Admiral, what you thought was Larrabee was not really Larrabee at all, but merely Larrabee as impersonated by the Chameleon.

It takes a very trained eye to discover the real Larrabee from the fake Larrabee.

All right, fella, who wrote "Little Women"? That's enough, Max.

Admiral, what happened to the Chameleon? Well, he forced me back across the room to a point near the window, right here.

And then he lunged at me.

Thank you.

Well, much as I detest v*olence, I had no choice but to dispatch him with a karate chop.

Like so.

( soft karate yell )

( grunts )

The last I saw of him he was going over me and out the window.

There's no sign of him out there.

That awning must've broken his fall.

Come on, Max.

Sir, if you're feeling up to it, the first of our secret meetings will be held at my office at 1500.

Well, of course I'll be there, Thaddeus.

Max and 99, I want you to stay here and protect the admiral.

Don't let anybody in here even if you're absolutely sure that you know him.

Because if I know the Chameleon, he'll be back.

If you know the Chameleon, Chief, why don't you tell us what he looks like? Max, I don't know what he looks like.

He could look like anybody.

He could even look like you.

( door closes )

All right, handsome, who wrote "Little Women"? Hurry up, Admiral, or we'll be late getting down to headquarters.



- I'll be right down.



- ( doorbell rings )

Hold it, 99.

That could be the Chameleon.

Max, you're right.

Who is it?

- It's me, Mr.

Bob.



- That's not the Chameleon, Max.

Wait a minute, 99, how do we know it's not the Chameleon? We don't know the Chameleon's first name and we don't know Mr.

Bob's last name.

It could very well be Mr.

Bob Chameleon.

You get over there.

I'll cover him.

Oh, hi, Miss 99.

Did I happen to leave my book of suede swatches here? ( gasps )

All right, don't move and you won't get hurt.

Okay, 99, rip his face off.

Max, this isn't the Chameleon.

This is Mr.

Bob.

All right, 99, if you won't do it, I guess I'll have to.

Max! All right, fella, I think we'll start by pulling off your false nose.

I warn you, Mr.

Smart, you touch me and you'll regret it.

Well, 99, do you still think that's Mr.

Bob? I'm not quite sure, Max.

Maybe this will convince you.

Wait a minute! You call that a minute?

- ( N.

Y.

accent )

You had enough, pally?

- What happened to your voice? Nuthin'.

This is my real voice.

My other voice is my professional voice.

Your professional voice? Sure, I come in here talking like this, you gonna let me decorate your apartment? No, but I might ask you to move it.

Could I have my suede swatches, Miss 99? Got a lot of work waiting for me back at my boutique.

Thanks, Miss 99.

( professional voice )

Well, ciao.

Well, that's it, 99.

The Chameleon has got me completely baffled.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm beginning to suspect everybody.

I know that, Max, but what can we do about it? For one thing, I can call the Chief and recommend that he cancel those secret conferences until we capture the Chameleon.

Put down that phone, Mr.

Smart.

Max, that's not the admiral's voice.

He must be the Chameleon.



- Very perceptive, young lady.



- How long have you been disguised? After I came in as Larrabee, I drugged the admiral's prunes.

Then I ransacked the place to make it look like there had been a fight, and I was lying here when you came back.

And now you're going to take the admiral's place at the conference.

Of course, the old drug

-his

-prunes

- fake

-the

-fight

- ransack

-the

-apartment

- and

-switch

-place

- with

-the

-admiral trick.

with the admiral? He is now in the custody of one of our agents heading toward a downtown section of this city, where, in his drugged condition, he will wander the streets as a wino for the next 12 hours.

Long enough for me to attend that conference and get the information KAOS wants.

And just how do you propose stopping us from stopping you? I'm going to lock the both of you in that closet right now.

It'll never work.

But it's certainly worth a try.

( pounding )

( rapid pounding )

If only I had listened to the man from the telephone company.

He wanted to put an extension in here.

Max, you don't suppose the Chameleon left the key in the door when he locked us in here? Now that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life.

Why in the world would the Chameleon wanna leave a key in the door?

- You could look, Max.



- All right, 99.

I can't see anything.

There's something blocking the keyhole.

The key! I know that, 99.

I knew I should've listened to the man from the lock company.



- He told me to buy a skinnier key.



- It's no use, Max.

The meeting's gonna begin in about 10 minutes and without the key, we'll never get out of here in time.

Wait a minute, 99.

We're not licked yet.

I just thought of something.



- I always leave a spare under the mat.



- You have a mat in your closet? Yes, thank heavens I listened to the man from the mat company.

Now, here's what I want you to do: when we get out of here, I want you to go downtown and find the admiral.

I'm going over to the Chief's office and expose the Chameleon.

Now that we're all here, we might as well start.

We'll begin with these latest intelligence reports on the Middle East.

Hold it, Chief.

This man is an imposter.

He's wearing a disguise.

Everything about him is fake: fake hair, fake mustache

-

- Max, what're you doing? That's the real admiral.

My men just picked him up on skid row.



- They did?

- Yes! He was wandering around trying to get a quarter for a gallon of muscatel.

I'll drink to that.

( hiccups )

Not a trace of him, Max.

That's all right, 99.

They found the real Admiral.

I don't understand it.

Somehow, somewhere along the line, the Chameleon must've changed identities.

Which means, Chief, that someone here in this room is the Chameleon.

All right, I wanna see everybody's identification card.

Where's your identification, 99? ( male voice )

Right here, Mr.

Smart.

So you're the Chameleon.

That's right.

As I was entering the building disguised as the admiral, I saw the real admiral being brought in so I quickly switched identities.

And now, gentlemen, I think I've overstayed my welcome, so I'll bid you all farewell.

( 99's voice )

Till we meet again, Mr.

Smart.



- Get out a code 4 alert immediately.



- Right, Chief.

Hello, security? This is a code

-four alert.

I want all airports, railroad stations and bus terminals covered immediately.

Be on the lookout for a man with long brown hair, full sensuous lips and lovely blue eyes.

And be careful, he's got a g*n in his purse.

On the other hand, he could be a tall girl with a white mustache in an admiral's uniform.

Or a little boy in a sailor suit with a rubber duck.

And try to take him alive.

He may be my fiancée.

Oh, yeah? Same to you, fella.

( theme music playing )