04x18 - I sh*t 86 Today

[bunniefuu]

Max Max, we've gotta get going.

We've got to meet our contact in a few minutes.

Just a second, 99.

I think I've got the hang of this.

It's all in the wrist.

Max, look.

I told you it was all in the wrist, 99.

We've got to hurry, Max.

The 14th tee's way over there.

Don't worry, 99, here comes a golf cart.

I'll get my clubs and you ask for a ride.

Right, Max.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me.

I wonder if you'd mind giving my husband and me a lift to the 14th tee? Happy to.

I'm Chuck Cramer.

I'm the golf pro here.

Hello.

Ah, we certainly appreciate this.

I'll just hang on the back here.



- Great.



- Okay, let her go.

( chuckles )

Thank you very much, Mr.

Cramer.



- Chuck.



- Chuck.

We really appreciate it.



- ( panting )



- What's the matter, Max? I'm winded, 99.

Max, you're really out of condition.

You oughta take up jogging.

Do you think that's our contact over there? We'll know in a minute, 99.

I'll give him the password.



- Hi, there.



- Hello.

He's our man.

I'm 86, she's 99.

Say, you two have some handicaps.

No, we're the CONTROL agents that you asked to see.



- Aren't you Fred Fargo?

- No, I'm Frank Fargo.

Frank Fargo? We're supposed to meet Fred Fargo.

Fred Fargo is my sister

-in

-law Frieda's father.

Furthermore, he flew to Frankfurt Friday.

You have some information for us? I overheard a conversation in the locker room that at exactly 4:00 today KAOS is planning to blow up the aerospace center adjoining the golf course.

Smart and 99 are rendezvousing with Fargo.

Not Fred, Frank.

Fred flew to Frankfurt Friday.

And don't worry, I'll make it look like an accident.

Do you have any idea how it's going to be done? Yes, and I can also tell you who's behind it.

Max: Who?

- Max, what happened?

- I don't know, 99, but he's got a lump on his head the size of a golf ball.

Max, that is a golf ball.

What did I tell you? I don't understand

-

- How could a golf ball hit him in the head and

-

- embedded in the golf ball.

Max, we've gotta find out who did this.

You're right, 99.

Anybody lose a golf ball? ( theme music playing )

Yes, I see.

All right.

Yes.

Thank you, Doctor.

Goodbye.

What did the doctor say about Frank Fargo, Chief? He'll be all right.

The doctor said the arrow in that golf ball was tipped with some sort of amnesia

-producing drug.

He'll be in the hospital several weeks.

Did you notify his family, Chief? Just Frieda

-

- Fred flew to Frankfurt on Friday.

Now we don't have much time

-

- KAOS has already succeeded in blowing up two other space centers this year.

According to Fargo, this one is set to go at 4:00 this afternoon.

Which is exactly the moment that they plan to test the M

-14 rocket.

Would you say this is a coincidence? Both of those other space centers were blown up at the precise moment they were to test the M

-14 rockets.

Now that is a coincidence.

No, it's not.

But would you say this is? Both of those space centers were located next to golf courses.

Now that is a coincidence.

No, it's not.

But how about this? Chuck Cramer, who is the golf pro at this club, was also the golf pro at those other two courses at the time they blew up those space centers.

Now I'd say that's a coincidence.

You're right, 99.

Well then, Cramer's our man.

I don't think so.

Because at the exact moment those space centers were destroyed, Cramer was having a drink with the manager of that club, and he has pictures to prove it.

This one was taken at the Pinewood Country Club and this with the manager of the Cedarwood Country Club.

Chief, these pictures are interesting.

Do you mind if I hold onto them for a while?

- Absolutely, 99.



- Chief, someone's coming to our table.

That's Mr.

Upjohn, the manager of the club.

I've asked him to join us.

We need all the help he can give us.



- Sorry to keep you waiting, Chief.



- Mr.

Upjohn, these are CONTROL Agents

- How do you do?

- How do you do? You're the two that were with the victim when he was struck down.



- That was a terrible thing.



- Yes.

Mr.

Upjohn, I'll need your full cooperation.

I'd like Agents 86 and 99 to have full access to the club

-

- its facilities, the course.

I'd only be too happy to cooperate.

Could you arrange for them to play the course with your pro Chuck Cramer? No problem at all.

Oh, we're indebted to you, Mr.

Upjohn.

I can't go into details.

I can only say that this is for the security of the nation.

I'm a very patriotic man.

If this is for the good of the country, I'll

-

- I'll tell you what I'll do

-

- I'll cut the green fee in half.

Having us play with the pro this afternoon, Chief, is a stroke of genius.



- Thanks, Max.



- That way we get a free golf lesson.

That's not the reason why, Max.

Obviously, both those space centers were blown up from somewhere on the adjoining golf course.

Now, it's my hunch that it was done with some sort of a nuclear golf ball.

Chief, the nearest point to that space center is the 14th hole, and that's almost 400 yards away.

Nobody could hit a golf ball that far.

If anybody can, it would be the pro.

Now even though Cramer had an airtight alibi the last two times, I want you two to be playing golf with him at exactly 4:00 this afternoon.



- We'll see to it, Chief.



- Now, Max, under surveillance while you go to CONTROL's secret lab.

Dr.

Simon has prepared some special equipment for you.



- Right, Chief.



- Let's get going.



- We don't have much time.



- It's my check, Chief.

I mean, after all, you got it last time.

I mean, it's my turn now.

After all, there are two of us.

There's only one of you.

If you insist, Chief.

( distant show tune playing )

( audience applauds, cheers )

Dr.

Simon, where are you? Over here, 86.

Excuse me a moment.

( sighs )

( show tunes continue )

( applause )



- What are you doing?

- Exercising.

I've gotta keep in shape.

You know what they say

-

- a healthy body makes a healthy mind.

You must have some mind.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Your special golf equipment is over on the table.



- Ah, thank you.



- ( applause )

Man over PA: Two minutes, Miss Simon, two minutes.

What's that for? You don't use a balloon on a golf course.

That's for my act.

I'm doing a bubble dance this week.

These are your golf clubs.

These irons are scientifically designed to hit a ball straight every time.

Oh.

Do you have a wood that's scientifically designed to hit a golf ball straight every time? Has anybody? How about these golf balls? Are they anything special? Only one

-

- it's a magnetic golf ball that will be drawn to anything metallic.

It will home in on the cup, so be sure to use it only for putting.



- Which one is the magnetic one?

- ( clanks )

The one that's stuck to your wristwatch.

Now, should you wanna contact the Chief, this is a golf

-shoe phone.



- Well, how does it open?

- It doesn't.

You speak into this spike here and you listen to this spike here.

Oh.

Well, what's this hole in the center for?

- That's where you put the dime in.



- You have to put a dime in?! But that's ridiculous.

Suppose I don't have any change? Supposing I get a wrong number? They'll send you stamps.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get undressed for my performance.

( cheering )

Man over P.

A.

: On

-stage, Miss Simon.

Dr.

Simon, what are you doing with an autographed picture of the Los Angeles Rams? They gave it to me.

I did an undercover assignment once and traveled for two weeks with the players as one of them.

You mean to tell me that you traveled with the Los Angeles Rams and nobody found out you were a woman for two weeks?! They found out the first day, but nobody would tell.

Okay, I'm ready for my performance, 86.



- Wish me luck.



- Good luck.

Oh, I almost forgot my bubble.



- Oh, I'll get it for you.



- ( pops )

Now how am I supposed to do my dance without my bubble? Eh, yes.

Well, I don't know, but I'd certainly like to stick around and find out.

I wonder what happened to Chuck Cramer, Max.

It's almost 2:00.

I don't know.

But when he gets here, I just hope you give him the same kind of a bawling

-out you gave me.

You must admit that every time you visit CONTROL's secret lab at that burlesque house, you're very late getting back.

is no burlesque house

-

- at least it wasn't until today.

And I couldn't run out on Dr.

Simon

-

- After all, she is one of our fellow CONTROL agents.

Dr.

Simon is not what I would call "One of our fellow CONTROL agents.

" Don't be silly, 99.

I mean, she may have a beautiful face and a fabulous body and fantastic legs, but who notices? Good afternoon, Mr.

Smart, Mrs.

Smart.

Mr.

Cramer will be joining you shortly.

I hope you'll enjoy playing our beautiful course.

That's the first hole over there.

What an unusual ring you're wearing, Mr.

Upjohn.

Max, look

-

-

- isn't this a beautiful ring?

- Oh yeah, nice

-

- very nice.

Well, uh, thank you, thank you.

If there's anything else I can do, please let me know.

I saw a ring like that once before, but I can't remember where.

Well, I doubt it

-

- it's a family heirloom.



- Have a good round.



- Nice guy.

Max, I know I've seen that ring somewhere before.

I just can't place it.

about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that m*ssile center is gonna blow up.

Not only do we not know how it's gonna be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it.

We know when.

Yes, well, knowing when isn't going to tell us who or how.

I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how.



- Why?

- Eh why? Yeah, a good question, 99.

Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it and then that will give us our who, our how and our when.



- That makes sense.



- I know it, that's what worries me.

Oh, nice putt, Mrs.

Smart.



- Thank you.



- You're away.

Uh, you go ahead and putt.

Yeah.

Hmm.

That's the fourth time today you've done that, Mr.

Smart.

I've never seen anybody slice a putt before.

Eh, yes! Well, it's

-

- it's all in the wrist.

Do you mind if I look at your ball? Eh Max, you didn't give him the magnetic ball, did you? No, I gave him yours.

Looks okay to me.

Come on, 13th hole is next.



- Here's your ball, Mr.

Smart.



- Thank you.

That's the first time you've done that today.

Well, it just shows nobody's perfect, Mr.

Smart.

You two tee off.

I'll meet you down on the fairway.



- What's wrong, Max?

- I don't know, 99.

I have a feeling he did that on purpose.

It's a quarter to 4:00.

We're supposed to be with him at 4:00 when the expl*si*n's due to go off.

If we keep our eye on him, he can't make his move.

Mm, I guess you're right, 99.



- Here, go ahead, tee off.



- Right.

I switched balls with Smart.

He now has the expl*sive golf ball.

In two seconds, when he tees off

-

- that will be the end of Mr.

And Mrs.

Maxwell Smart.

Oh, throw me a ball, 99.

There're three here.

Which one do you want? Any one.

Sliced it out of bounds.



- Throw me another one.



- Okay.

That's much better

-

- hooked it out of bounds.

Throw me the last ball, 99.

There's something wrong with this ball.



- Max, are you all right?

- Yes, but I don't understand.

The space center wasn't supposed to blow up for another 15 minutes.

That wasn't the space center, Max.

Someone tried to blow us up.

An expl*sive golf ball.

How do you like that Doc Simon

-

- just because I broke her bubble.

No, Max.

Someone must have slipped you that expl*sive golf ball.

That must mean we're getting too close.



- What happened?

- Somebody just tried to k*ll us.

Why would anyone wanna do a thing like that? I admit you don't play a great game of golf, but still

-

- look, why don't you two go back to the clubhouse? You don't want to continue after something like this.

I think it would be better if we played on, at least until the 14th hole.

Yes, why don't you two go ahead and I'll join you in a few minutes?

- Right, Max.



- All right.

Hello, this is Maxwell Smart calling the Chief.

Come in, Chief.



- Chief?

- Yes, Larrabee?

- Call for you from Max.



- I'll take it here.



- Go ahead, Max.



- Hello, Chief.

Somebody just used an expl*sive golf ball to make an attempt on our lives.



- That's great.



- That's great? Of course

-

- that means you're getting too close for comfort.

It also proves that I was right

-

- they plan to blow up the space center with a nuclear golf ball.

It has to be from the 14th hole

-

- that's the closest point.

That's where Cramer and 99 are now, Chief.

Then get back there right away.

I have a feeling Cramer's our man after all.

Right, Chief.

Where's Cramer? He had a 4:00 appointment back at the clubhouse to have a publicity picture taken with Mr.

Upjohn.



- Well then, he's not our man.



- Why not? Because the exploding golf ball has to be hit from the 14th hole, and if Cramer's at the clubhouse, then that automatically eliminates him.

And he's gonna have pictures taken to prove it, just like at the other two clubs.

Max, that's where I saw the ring before.



- What are you talking about, 99?

- Look, these are pictures taken of Cramer with the managers of the other two clubs.



- Do you notice anything similar?

- Yes!

- They're both 3x5 glossies.



- No, Max.

Look at the ring that the two managers are wearing!

- Max: It's the same ring!

- Right! And that's the same ring that Mr.

Upjohn wears, and he says that it's an heirloom

-

- which means Mr.

Upjohn and the two managers are the same person.

You may be right, 99.

We've never seen the three of them together.

Take the glasses and the hair from these two men and put them on Upjohn

-

- what have you got? A surprise for Mrs.

Upjohn?

- What are you doing now?

- I'm getting out my lipstick telescope.

If Cramer and Upjohn are working together, we'd better make sure that they're back at the clubhouse.

There they are.

How are they gonna set off an expl*si*n when they're having drinks on the terrace? Let me see that, 99.

I wanna take a look at the 14th hole.

Nope, there's nobody out there.



- ( clicks )



- Oh, thank you very much.



- It's three minutes to 4:00.



- Good, I'll press the button and activate the launcher.



- Oh.



- What's wrong? Gum.

There.

The launcher is now in position and will fire automatically at exactly 4:00.

Wait a minute, that wasn't there before.



- 99: What?

- That mortar.



- A mortar?!

- Of course

-

- The old mortar

-in

-the

-rocks

- on

-the

-14th

-hole trick! Come on, 99, we've gotta get over there before they activate that mortar.

Smart and 99 are heading for the 14th green.

Quick, stop them.

Faster, Max, faster! I can't go any faster, 99, I've got it up to eight miles an hour now! ( g*nf*re )

Max, it's Cramer

-

- he's after us.

Keep your head down.

Max, the Chief

-

- he's after Cramer.

Darn fool kid.

Max, it's Upjohn

-

- he's after the Chief.

What are we gonna do?!

- I'm gonna try and lose them.

Hold on!

- Right.



- ( g*nf*re continues )



- 99: Look out!

- Quick

-

- hurry!

- ( g*nf*re continuing )

I can't shake them off, 99.

Max, the mortar on the 14th hole is gonna go off any second.



- We're never gonna make it in time!

- Wait a minute, 99.

The golf ball! The magnetic golf ball that Doc Simon gave me

-

- it works on the same principle as a ground

-to

-air m*ssile.

Max, you can't get out and hit a golf ball now.



- Yes, I can.



- No! Now, you get ready to grab the wheel when I jump.

Be careful, Max.

( groans )

Upjohn, forget him, stop her! Max? Max! Max, hurry! Oh, Max, hit it! Max, the mortar is gonna go off.

Oh! Oh, Max, you did it! I'm so proud of you.

That was absolutely fantastic! Well, it was all right, considering I rushed my sh*t.

What happened to Cramer and Upjohn? The Chief has them in custody.

How did that happen?! I stopped short and they crashed into me.

That's terrific, 99! Whatever made you think of a thing like that?! I always drive that way, Max.

( theme music playing )