05x03 - Valerie of the Dolls

[bunniefuu]

Man over p.a.: all
passengers now disembarking

from flight 101, please
report immediately to customs.

- Psst, max.
- Oh hi, chief.

- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Max, how's it going?

Great. How do you like 'em?

Max, I'm talking about the
mission. Forget about the diapers.

Well, I can't forget
about the diapers, chief.

After all, I'm gonna become
a father. I have to practice.

Max, kaos is trying to smuggle

A deadly expl*sive
into the country

And you're supposed to
be on the lookout for it.

I know that, chief.

Well, then start checking
through my luggage

Like I'm a passenger.
I'll fill you in

On all the information
we have up to now.

Right, chief.

The formula is divided
into three parts...

Chief, do you have
the keys to this thing?

Oh, yes.

The first part has already
been smuggled into this country.

Max, why did you do that?

Well, you asked me to
treat you like a customer,

And here at customs
that's the way we treat 'em.

According to our information,

Part two of the formula is
going to be sent through today,

but we don't know whether
it's coming through by boat

- Or by plane.
- Where'd you get these shorts, chief?

Never mind the shorts. Now
I've got men stationed at the pier.

- Your job...
- What size are these shorts, chief?

- 36. Your job is...
- These are no 36, chief.

- All right, max. 38.
- They're more like a 40, chief.

All right, 40 if it makes you
happy. Now give me those shorts.

Max, I can't stress upon you
the importance of this mission.

You must not let that second
part of the formula get through!

I'll check with you later.

Uh, hold it, chief. I'd better mark
that so they'll let you through.

Okay, next!

Okay, may I ask what you're
bringing into the country?

Okay, you can go ahead.

I can see what you're
bringing into the country.

Okay, who's next?

- I am.
- Well, you're a little young

To be traveling
alone, aren't you?

No, that's my doll.
I'm down here, mister.

Oh. Well, you're the youngest
ventriloquist I've ever seen.

- I'm not a ventriloquist.
- Well, you should be.

You're the greatest one I've ever
heard. Where's your mommy and daddy?

They're waiting to meet
me. I was visiting my grandma.

Oh. Well, you can go
ahead right through.

We don't want to keep your
mommy and daddy waiting.

Thank you, mister.

Good. Valerie's waiting.

You brought the second
part of the formula?

Yeah, it's in the doll,

Just like the other one.

Yes.

I see.

Thank you very much.

Well, it's definite,
max. The little girl

You let through customs
was not a little girl.

Well, she certainly
wasn't a big girl, chief.

- She was only that high.
- Max, it wasn't a little girl at all.

- It was a little man!
- chief, that is ridiculous!

I was there, you weren't. I'm
telling you that it was a little girl

With blonde, curly hair. And
she was a great ventriloquist.

Max, it was little louie
dunlap, a kaos courier!

- Well, he could've fooled me.
- He did fool you!

Does that mean that kaos has the
second part of the formula now, chief?

I'm afraid so, 99. They managed
to get both parts in the country

In less than...
Let me have that.

In less than two weeks!

If they succeed in getting the
third part in, we're in big trouble.

What do you think they plan to do
with the formula once it's complete?

They plan to change the
structure of the united states.

- What?
- Let me show you.

Now this map was stolen by
one of our control agents

From kaos headquarters.
Take a look at it.

Max, will you stop playing
around with that diaper

And look at this map?

- Sorry about that, chief.
- Now, max,

Something is
missing from this map.

California!

This is the way the
united states will look

If kaos succeeds in getting the third
part of that formula into the country.

- I don't understand, chief.
- With that formula completed,

Kaos will be able to make the most
powerful expl*sive known to man.

well, I still don't
understand, chief.

Are you saying that kaos wants
to blow california off the map?

- exactly.
- but why california?

Because some of our biggest
m*ssile bases are located in california.

And some of our best television
shows come from there too, 99.

California is expecting
an earthquake.

Now this is a
perfect alibi for kaos.

They blow california
into the ocean

And everybody will
blame it on the earthquake.

- But chief, if that were to happen...
- That's right.

- It would be a disaster!
- and some disaster.

Just think, ronald reagan will have
to go back to making movies again.

That's not the disaster
I was talking about, max.

Oh no? Think about it.

I'm sorry, that's my
new secret phone.

I'm the only one who is supposed
to know where that phone

- Is hidden in this office.
- That's okay, chief.

We'll wait in the outer office.

Come on, 99.

- Good afternoon, sir.
- Hi, chief. This is larabee.

Larabee, how'd you get the
number of my secret phone?!

- I looked it up in the phone book.
- It's in the phone book?!

It's listed in the classified
pages under secrets.

I just found the cab driver

Who picked up little
louie dunlap at the pier.

Great work, larabee.
Get him in here immediately.

Well, first we'll
have to capture him.

Not dunlap, the cab driver!

Oh. I can't. He refuses
to come now. He's on duty.

Then we'll go down
there. Where is he?

He's parked at a cab
stand at 4th and fulton.

That won't be necessary.
We're not going anyplace.

We're just gonna talk.

I know that, but anytime
anybody gets into the cab

- I'm supposed to throw the meter on.
- How do you determine

How much to charge people
who are just gonna talk?

Well, it's 35¢ for the
first three sentences

And 10¢ a word thereafter.

You picked up a
little blonde girl

carrying a doll at the
airport yesterday, didn't you?

Yeah. She was with a tall man...

Hey! Look where you're going!

With a beard. I
remember them well.

- Where'd you drop them off?
- Uh, let's see.


At a place called...

Come on! Come on! I
haven't got all day!

Miss valerie's school
for expectant fathers.

All right! The same to you!

Listen. I hope I'm
not out of line,

But seeing as
we're standing still,

Why do you keep
yelling at the other cars?

Force of habit.

You've been very helpful.
Thank you. Max, pay the man.

That'll be $3.40.

- $3.40?!
- Yeah.

Chief, we should've
walked and talked.

Listen, fella. I know
you may not realize this,

But the information
that you just gave us

Could be of vital
importance to this country.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.

Now I'm not supposed
to tell you this,

But we happen to
be secret agents.

and what you have just told us

Could mean that millions
of your fellow americans

Can continue to
live in a country

That is the home of the brave

And the land of the free.

You mean what I
just told you guys

- Is gonna help my country?
- That's right.

Gee, that makes a guy
feel good all over.

- Well, it should.
- Okay, make it $3 even.

Woman: all right, gentlemen.

so much for the care of
the infant in cases of colic.

Now, for the benefit of
our two new students,

Mr. Clark and mr. Smart,

Shall we go over
the procedure...

The correct procedure...
For bathing the baby?

Now as you remember, the
first thing that we must do

Is test the temperature by
dipping our elbow into the water.

If you would do that, please.

Max, you're supposed
to roll up your sleeve.

Oh. It's okay,
chief. It's drip-dry.

Now holding the baby thusly...

Can you all see?

We place the baby
gently in the bassinet

- and proceed to bathe it.
- well, what do you think?

I don't know, max.

All the rest of the
students look okay to me,

But I don't know
about miss valerie.

Are you kidding? She looks a lot
better to me than the students.

Max, if what the cab
driver told us was true,

The second part of that
formula must be here somewhere.

- Yeah, but where?
- Shh. Here she comes.

- Mr. Smart, how are you doing?
- Oh, fine. Fine, thank you.

Uh, do you know the difference
between the head and the feet?

Hmm? Oh, sure. These are the feet
and the head is down there somewhere.

I think you'll find that if you
keep the head above water,

- Your baby will be much happier.
- Thank you.

Now, gentlemen, if you'll
please dress your babies.

Uh, will you excuse me a moment?

- Hello?
- Valerie? Mondo.

Carney is here with the
third part of the formula.

I can't tell you how happy this
makes me. Are you at the airport?

No, we're in a phone booth
down the street from your place.

Give me just a moment
to clear the classroom.

It could be in that
supply room, max.

It's the only door in
the room that's locked.

Of course, chief. It's
gotta be the supply room.

We'll have to come up
with some clever way

- Of taking a look in that room.
- Let me handle that, chief.

- Uh, miss valerie?
- Yes?

- Could I take a look in the supply room?
- Of course not.

i keep my personal
things in there.

that's why it's locked.

I'll have to think of
another clever way, chief.

- Don't bother.
- Valerie: I'm terribly sorry, students,

But an emergency has arisen. I'm
afraid I'll have to cut the class short.

But I want all of you to
take your dolls home with you

And practice bathing them.

And don't forget to
bring them back next week.

Good night. Good
night. See you next week.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night, mr. Clark.

Shut the door, mondo.

Now at long last we can put
the entire formula together.

All right, mondo. Pull the
string on the first doll.

Doll: my name is mary lou.

Man's voice: two parts
hydrogen dexochloride.

All right. Now the second doll.

Doll: my name is mary lou.

Man's voice: one
part laudanum solution.

And now for the
third and final part.

Doll: my name is mary lou.

I hate fresh boys.

I have a little doggy.

What is this?

Doll: my name is mary lou.

- Double-cross us?
- Wait wait.

When carney collided with
that new student, smart,

They dropped the dolls.

Smart must've given him back
the wrong doll by mistake.

Yes, we've got to get that doll
back before he discovers the secret.

- Do you know where he lives?
- Yes, I have his address in my files.

Mondo, you must go there
immediately and get the doll back.

Don't worry.

I'll get that doll
back one way...

Or the other.

- Who is it?
- Max: it's me, honey.

- What's the password?
- i lost my wallet.

- That's not the password.
- i know, but I had the password

written on a piece
of paper in my wallet.

That's max.

- Hello, max. I'm so glad you're home.
- Hi, 99.

What are you doing
with that doll?

Oh, this is one of the dolls
from miss valerie's school.

She let me take it home
tonight to play with it...

- Uh, practice with it.
- It's adorable.

Look, it's the talking kind.

Doll: my name is mary lou.

Did you find out anything today?

Yes, well, I did find
out one thing, 99...

I found out that it's better
if you roll your sleeve up

Before you dip your
elbow in the water.

No, I mean about the formula.

Well, the baby's formula,

That doesn't come
up for three weeks.

No, max. The formula
for the expl*sive.

The chief and I didn't get a
chance to get around to that, 99.

- But we're going back later tonight.
- Aww.

You must be exhausted.
Let me draw you a bath.

Okay.

Be quiet.

- Do you think it might be kaos?
- Either that or your mother.

- Max!
- You go ahead and draw my bath,

- I'll take care of the door.
- Right.

- Yes?
- I'm sorry to interrupt you at this hour,

But my car broke down.
May I use your phone?

Oh, certainly. It's right
over there on the desk...

- Uh, the desk.
- Thank you.

Uh, if you need
anything, I'll be upstairs...

- Uh, upstairs.
- thank you.

Your bath will be
ready in a minute, love.

- Who was at the door?
- Some guy's car broke down

- And he asked to use the phone.
- Oh.

Max, why would he
come all the way up here?

Why wouldn't he just try one of
the apartments on the first floor?

I don't know. Maybe
there was nobody home.

On the whole first floor? And
what about the payphone in the lobby?

- He could've used that.
- Well, maybe he didn't have any change.

I don't like it. I don't think he
ought to be down there by himself.


Always so suspicious?

Some poor guy comes
along, his car breaks down,

He sees the light
shining in our window,

So he comes upstairs and asks
us if he can please use our phone

And right away you think
something wrong is happening.

I don't know, max. I just
don't feel right about it.

Okay, 99.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

I'll go down and wait until
he finishes the phone call.

Hey! What's going on here?

All right, where is it?

I told you. It's right
there on top of the desk.

Max, why are you...
What happened?

Nothing, 99. He just
couldn't find the telephone.

I told him it was right
here on top of the desk.

I want the doll.

Hey, wait a minute, fella.
That happens to be my wife.

I don't want her.
I want the doll

You brought home from
miss valerie's school.

Oh, that doll. Yes.

And I want it now.

- He wants it now.
- Well, we'd better give it to him, max.

It's only a doll, after all.
It's in the bedroom. I'll get it.

She'd better get it,
because if she doesn't get it,

You get it. Got it?

- Got it.
- All right, move over there.

Fast fast fast. Come
come come come.

Hurry. All right. Now
throw me the doll.

- Don't do anything foolish.
- Now you tell me?

I'm leaving now. Don't
try to follow me.

Okay, 99. That is it.

- We're getting out.
- What do you mean, max?

Well, when it comes to the point
that a man can come to your apartment

In the middle of the
night, take out a g*n

And take away your doll, that's when
it's time to get out of the neighborhood.

Max, when little louie dunlap

Smuggled the second
part of the formula

Past you at customs,
wasn't he carrying a doll?

You're right, 99.

And that doll looked
exactly like that doll.

But that must be how they're
smuggling in the formula...

- In dolls!
- Of course.

And miss valerie's
place is the drop-off.

I'm going back down
there. You tell the

Chief to meet me there
as quickly as he can.

Mondo: there is no possible way

anyone can connect us together.

Valerie: that's good. We
must get to the airport.

we have 45 minutes
to catch the flight.

i wouldn't worry.

this was a brilliant plan,

smuggling the secrets in dolls.

How nice of you to
drop in, mr. Smart.

You said you wanted to
see what was in this room.

Well, not really. I could...

Of course.

The old secret-supply-room-
in-the-supply-room trick.

- Carney, tie him up.
- There's no time for that.

Our plane leaves for
los angeles in 20 minutes.

get the dolls with the formula.

Now, mr. Smart,

i'm going to give you
a sporting chance.

There are six
dolls in this room.

As you already know each one
has a string hanging from its back.

the string on one of those dolls is
going to open the door to this room.

I see. Then it's just a
question of how much time

It takes me to find the doll with the
right string to get out of this room.

Correct. However, one of the
dolls in this room contains a b*mb.

so if you pull
that doll's string,

this room will be blown to bits.

Hmm, sort of a russian
roulette with dolls.

Yes.

Just a moment.
Supposing that I don't pull

The string on any of the dolls?

Supposing I just wait here until
somebody comes and finds me?

Unfortunately,
my dear mr. Smart,

There's only enough
air left in this room

To last 30 minutes.

Oh yeah? Well supposing
I hold my breath?

Doll: my name is mary lou.

You don't know how
happy I am to hear that.

- Max?
- there's nobody here.

- Wait a minute, the supply room.
- What's in there, chief?

I don't know, 99, but
I'm going to find out.

Max, are you in there?

My name is mary lou.

Stand back, 99.

Well, there's nothing in here
except those baby things on the shelf.

Why would they keep things
like this under lock and key?

Maybe there's
something behind them.

Max! Thank heavens
you're all right!

Of course I'm all right.
Chief, you got here just in time.

- Where are they headed?
- They're on their way to the airport.

They're leaving for los
angeles in five minutes.

Larabee's stationed there. I'll
call him and have him stop them!

I can tell you exactly
what they look like, chief.

Man over p.a.: flight 407
for los angeles now boarding.

Hold it. I'm a government agent.

- I want to see some identification.
- What seems to be the trouble?

Just checking
their identification.

you three better get going. Your
flight leaves in less than five minutes.

Thank you very much.

But didn't it strike you funny

That the pilot, the
copilot and a stewardess

Were all carrying dolls?!

Now that you mention
it, that is strange.


That plane to los angeles.

Larabee, how can
you be so stupid?

come on, max!

Man over p.a.: flight 407
now arriving from washington.

Well, gentlemen, I
suggest that we split up

And rendezvous at location z.

That won't be necessary.
We'll take those dolls now.

Run for it.

I'll take that, miss valerie.

Just tell me one
thing, mr. Smart:

How did you manage to
b*at us to los angeles?

Well, it was
really quite simple.

While you were stacked
up, circling over los angeles

We were barreling
along at 70 miles an hour...

By train.