05x13 - Ice Station Siegfried

[bunniefuu]

Yes, yes.

I see.

All right, I've got it.
Thank you very much.

Yes yes, I see. Yes.

Fine. Well, get back to
me as soon as you can.

Thank you.

Another bulletin, sir.

The mississippi river
is almost frozen over,

And snow flurries are
starting to fall at the equator.

Good grief, colonel
quinton, this is frightening.

- General christian.
- Yes, admiral crichton.

I've just had a communique,
sir, stating that the reservoirs

In the new york state
area are frozen solid.

In new york city alone,
manhattan, the bronx and brooklyn

- Are having a drinking problem.
- How about flushing?

I believe they're having a
little trouble with that too, sir.

General christian speaking.

General, this is the
chief of control.

I'm in miami, and I won't
be able to get out

Because we're
under 12 feet of snow.

- That's bad.
- Let me talk to him, chief.

Hello, general. This is maxwell
smart. I'm stuck down here too.

Well, that's good.

I'm assigning
agent 99 to the case

And the c.i.a. Is sending
one of their top men.

They should be reporting
any minute. Good luck.

- What's bad, sir?
- The chief of control is on a special case

- In miami beach.
- What's good, sir?

Maxwell smart is with him.

How I envy him. Now's a
good time to be in miami.

I'm afraid not.

Miami beach is under


What are we gonna do, sir?

He's assigned one of
his top agents to the case

And the c.i.a. Is sending
one of their top men.

They should be here
almost any minute.

Gentlemen, if these
agents can't stop this

We are on the verge
of another ice age.

Yes.

Man: control agent 99
and cia. Agent quigley

- are here, sir.
- good, send 'em right in.

How do you do, quigley, 99?

I'm general christian, colonel
quinton, admiral crichton.

- General crichton. Admiral...
- Christian.

- Admiral christian.
- No, I'm christian.

- Oh, you're admiral christian.
- I'm general christian.

Oh, then you must
be colonel crichton.

No, I'm quinton.

Admiral quinton.

No, he's colonel quinton.

Quigley, the general's
name is christian.

the admiral's name is crichton
and the colonel's name is quinton.

Hi, fellas.

Now suppose we get to the, uh...

Problem at hand.

Now, 99, quigley,

The entire world

Is at the mercy of a madman.

Have you heard of
professor stanislavski?

Wasn't he the polish
scientist who said

He had some method for
freezing over the world?

Oh, yeah, the
stanislavski method.

He tried to sell it to
every nation in the world,

- But no one would believe him.
- He's succeeding now.

Now we believe he's operating
from an underground laboratory

Up here near the north pole.

- Uh, right up...
- Right here, general.

Here, general.

- Are we alone on this assignment?
- Oh no, 99.

Every nation in the world
is joining forces in order

To do what must be
done to stop this madman.

Russia is standing by
with nuclear submarines.

Great britain has
offered us air cover.

South america has offered the
knowledge of its top german scientists.

And israel is making
sandwiches for the trip.

Now in this envelope

Is the exact location of professor
stanislavski's underground laboratory.

I want you to guard
that with your life.

I promise you, this envelope

Will never leave my hands.

I didn't promise about
the map. I just said...

Take these along with you, quigley.
They're scientifically treated

So that they will insulate
you against the cold.

- Thank you very much.
- Now are you to leave immediately

For wolf jaw, canada.

There you will go to
the yellow dog saloon

Where you will be contacted
and given further instructions.

Goodbye, general
quinton, admiral christian,

- Colonel...
- Fellas.

- Fellas.
- Now remember, quigley,

The entire world
is depending on you.

It couldn't be in better hands.

Oh, I'm so frozen,

I don't think I'll
ever thaw out.

- Maybe you can be next in the stove.
- Huh?

That's one of
our men... Agent 44.

Is that you, 44?

Well, it ain't daniel webster.

Hello, 99.

- How are the twins?
- Oh, they're fine, 44.

My mother's taking care of them.

Max is on an
assignment in florida.

So this is agent
quigley at the c.i.a.

Nice to meet you.

Say, how do you stand
all that heat in there?

I'm wearing bermuda shorts.

I didn't know you were
on this assignment, 44.

What are our instructions?

You're to go to the
bar and order a beer.

Then bring it back here and I'll
give you further instructions.

- Roger. I'll do it, 99. You wait here.
- Right.

One beer.

Say, 99, would you like...

Can i... Another one, please.

Another one, please.

Say, what's holding that beer?

Thank you.

Here, 44. Don't drop it.

Ahhhh!

Is there a secret message
in there or something?

No.

- Well, what did you want the beer for?
- I was thirsty.

What's our next move, 44?

See those two canadian mounties
at the table under the moose?

- Both: yes.
- They've been assigned to guide you

To professor stanislavski's
secret laboratory.

Identify yourselves
with the passwords

"When I'm calling you."

- Is there anything else?
- Yes.

Close the doors.
I'm getting a draft.

When I'm calling you.

It's siegfried and starker.

Well, it ain't nelson eddy

And jeanette macdonald, cookie.

Look, smart, if you
had to pick a disguise,

Why did you pick such
a dopey-looking one?

I'm not smart from control.

- Who are you?
- I'm dopey from...

I'm quigley from intelligence.

What are you doing
in those uniforms?

What do you mean, what are
we doing in these uniforms?

They are our uniforms.

You mean kaos has
changed its uniforms?

No, we are members

Of the royal canadian
mounted police.

- You are?
- That's right.

And we always get our man.

Starker.

- Doo-doo.
- This is not kaos anymore.

We don't "doo-doo" here.

Do you mean to tell us
you're not with kaos anymore?

Oh yeah, we had to quit. We're
getting too old for v*olence.

The college kids
are taking over.

Now we are the good guys.

Well, you certainly don't expect
us to believe that you're mounties.

You bet your sweet
klondike we do.

- Well, I don't believe it.
- You have no choice but to believe us.

Because if you don't, who
will take that map of yours

And guide you
through the wilderness

To professor
stanislavski'slaboratory?

We've decided to
trust you, siegfried.

You won't regret it. We start
immediately. Where's your dogsled?

- We're parked right outside.
- Next to the hydrant.

And now if you'll hand me
the map, we'll be on our way.

Okay. Here you are.

Good, and seeing as
I'm leading the way,

I'll hold on to the map.

Not so fast. So you
won't do anything funny,

I'm going to hold
on to the envelope.

Uh-huh, yes.

As bad as all that, huh?

All right, we'll
get back to you.

- Who was that, sir?
- Los angeles.

Don't tell me it's
snowing there too.

Either that or
the smog is frozen.

Aha, that tracking device we put

Into quigley's glove is working.

Oh, very good.

Latitude and longitude.

Ahem. That would put
him right around there.

Agent 99, you sleep in one tent,

And quigley and I
will sleep in the other.

- What about starker?
- Starker sleeps with the dogs.

- You can't do that.
- Why not?

The dogs don't mind.

You two make
yourselves comfortable.

Starker and I will
unload the sleds.

Starker!

Unload the sleds!

Quigley, do you realize this is
the first time we've been alone?

Well, what did
you have in mind, 99?

Now we can use the radio and
find out if siegfried and starker

Are really mounted police.

Oh yes, but do you realize
how much power it'd take

To reach the pentagon from here?

Oh no, quigley, we don't
have to call the pentagon.

There's a mounted police
station in whitehorse.

That's pretty far too, but
it's worth taking a chance.

- Where's the snowshoe phone?
- Right here.

Hurry, quigley.

This is agent quigley calling royal
mounted headquarters in whitehorse.

Come in, whitehorse.

- I think they're coming through.
- Good.

This is agent quigley. Look, I
wanna check out and find out

If you have an officer starker

And officer siegfried.

Is this whitehorse?

Oh, well, thanks anyway.

- What happened?
- I told you it wouldn't reach that far.

- How far did it reach?
- The sled. I was talking to siegfried.

How do you like that?
They still don't trust us.

Hmm, I wonder why not.

You think maybe they
know we're gonna k*ll them?

How could they possibly
know a thing like that?

Let me take a look at their map.

Oh yeah, we should reach

Professor
stanislavski's laboratory

In exactly 23 hours

And a half.

Good, then we k*ll
agent quigley and 99 now.

Put away that g*n, starker.

We'll do nothing of the sort.

We're not going to k*ll them?

Mother nature will
do it for us, hmm?

We will slip away

During the night.

And when they wake
up tomorrow morning...

They'll be dead.

Quigley!

Oh, oh!

Quigley, quigley, wake up.

Look, the tent's gone...

The dogs, the sled.

And siegfried and starker.

They've left us here
without anything.

They've stranded us here to die.

- Well, that just proves it.
- What?

They're not mounties.

Look, it's siegfried
and starker's tracks.

Right, if we follow
those tracks,

It'll lead us right to professor
stanislavski's laboratory.

But we'd better hurry up before
the snow covers those tracks.

- Where are your gloves?
- Yesterday, one of them

Fell right into the
water through the ice.

- What happened to the other one?
- One of the dogs ate it.

Are you sure your information
is correct, gentlemen?

Positive, general.
Absolutely positive.

According to the position
of my tracking glove,

Quigley and 99

Should be going
over niagara falls.

What about you, quinton?

I've got them inside a
dog kennel in quebec, sir.

quigley, I don't think

i can take another step.

Let's get a little rest

And maybe that will
renew our strength.

Oh, I'm so sleepy.

Ow!

- What happened?
- Nothing.

- I just hit my head on an igloo.
- Oh.

Both: an igloo!

Come on.

Help, somebody help us!

Look at this.

Look at that.

Oh, sorry, quigley.

This is the secret laboratory
of professor stanislavski.

Correction, cookie,

This is the laboratory of the
late professor stanislavski.

I've never been so
famished my whole life.

Me either. It's just delicious.

- What is that, starker?
- Penguins.

- Penguins?
- Ja, penguins.

We find 'em right outside here.

We take off their
little bow ties

And their little white
shirts. Then we cooks 'em.

They're all finished
eating, siegfried.

Good. Clean up the table.

What do I do with the bones?

Do what you always do.

Bring in one of the
dogs from the sled,

Defrost him, feed him,

Then freeze him up again.

- You freeze your dogs?
- Of course.

But is that healthy for them?

Healthy? Go feel how
cold their noses are.

Starker...

It's not that we're not
grateful for the food,

But why in the world
did you have to do away

With professor stanislavski?

Well, we had no further
use for the professor.

And now his laboratory

And his discoveries
belong to kaos.

But what are you
gonna do with it?

To begin with,

We're going to freeze

The united states!

And when it is
completely frozen over,

Kaos' elite ice skating troops

Will skate in and conquer it.

Kaos has an ice skating troupe?

Oh ja, the kaos capades.

Siegfried, maybe it's
none of my business,

But by what method was
professor stanislavski

Able to bring that
arctic weather

To the rest of the world right
in the middle of the summer?

The stanislavski method.

A method so simple,

Yet so effective

That it staggers
the imagination.

Look.

Quigley, it's a
giant electric fan.

That information
will do you no good.

We're going to k*ll you.

Just how do you plan to do that?

We're going to put you
back inside the igloo,

Block the entrance
so you can't escape.

You will be entombed forever.

And while you are dying,

The giant fan on top
of the igloo will be...

- Well.
- Well what?

Well, aren't you going to say,

"Starker, starker...

This is kaos.

We don't... Here."

No, up here in the arctic

You can get away with anything.

Get inside there.

There's something that I demand

Before you seal
us inside that igloo.

What will you demand?

I demand that you don't
seal us up in the igloo.

I don't understand that.

Oh, that I understand.

Get in there!

- Come on!
- Good work, quigley.

We don't have any g*ns,
quigley. What are we gonna do?

Starker...

Listen, you go around that way.

I'll go around this way.

Be careful, siegfried.

What do you mean
"be careful," you sissy?

They have no g*ns.
What can they do?

Besides that?

Excuse me, siegfried.

Where could they have gone?

Starker.

I don't think it was a very
good idea to hide in here.

Shh! Shh!

Siegfried: hurry,
starker, seal the tunnel.

Tunnel sealed.

Prepare the sleds.

- What about the dogs?
- We don't need the dogs.

We're going south, ja?
It's downhill all the way.

Ja.

What are we gonna do?
We can't get out now.

Try and look on
the bright side, 99.

- What's that?
- They can't get in.

Oh!

Siegfried: mush!

- mush!
- listen.

Mush!

Mush!

We've gotta get out
there and stop that fan.

- But how can we?
- I don't know.

Maybe I can kick this open.

No, that won't work.

It's no good, quigley.
This ice is like steel.

It's so frustrating.

Quigley, you did it.

Come on, let's go
out and stop that fan.

There's no switch out here.

It must be controlled
by a power transmitter

- Somewhere hidden underground.
- Look, our supplies!

Oh, 99, how can you think
of food at a time like this?

We've gotta stop that fan!

No, you don't understand.
We brought dynamite.

Right, the dynamite.

- We can blow that thing sky high.
- Quick.

Hurry, quigley.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

Hurry. Oh!

Come on, let's go.

Quigley, you have the
dynamite in your hand.

The dynamite.

Run!

- We did it.
- That did it.

That ends professor
stanislavski's mad scheme.

I'm so proud of you, quigley.

I can't wait to tell
max and the chief.

Yeah, and general quinton

- And admiral christian...
- No, the general's name is christian.

The admiral's name is crichton.

- I thought quigley was...
- No, you're quigley.

Both: the fellas.