05x21 - And Only Two Ninety-Nine

[bunniefuu]

No, mother, I really didn't
mind being alone tonight.

Besides, by the time I
got the twins to sleep,

I was so exhausted.

Max: 99, I'm home!

Oh, mother, max is here now.

I'll talk to you
tomorrow, okay? Bye-bye.

- Max, I'm upstairs in bed!
- i'll be right up!

When you come up the
stairs, turn the light on.

99, I don't need the light on
to find my way up the stairs.

I know that, max, but I
got a new end table today,

And I want you to
see where I put it.

oh, really? Where'd you put it?

Right at the top...

Stairs.

- Max, are you all right?
- i'm okay, 99.

i'll be right up as soon
as I turn the light on.

How do you like the end table?

i think it's very pretty, 99.

Do you really like it?

Yes, but I'm not too
crazy about the way it fits.

oh, max, you've broken it!

Oh no, 99. It's not broken.

I'd say it was more
like a bad sprain.

max, I mean the table.

Oh, the table. Yes, well...

The top is in pretty bad shape,

But a couple of the legs
are still pretty good.


Matter with your eye?

Oh, I was leaning over
to pick up some diapers

And I hit it on the
edge of the bassinette.

Oh. Well, how did you enjoy
the day with your mother?

Oh, she wasn't here, max.

I felt like I wanted
to be alone,

So I just called her and
told her not to come.

Is there anything wrong, 99?

No, max, why do you ask?

I don't know, it's
just not like you

To cancel out a date
with your mother.

You enjoy spending
the day so much with her.

Oh well, I just had
so many things to do.

With you coming home late,

It just seemed like the
perfect opportunity to do them.

Oh darling, I'm exhausted, love.

Good night.

Good night.

Hello.

Max, this is the chief.
Did you just get home?

A few minutes ago.

Can you speak a
little louder, max?

Well, I can't, chief.




Of course, she's in her bed.

Where do you think she
sleeps? In the closet?

Max, listen to me... Don't
repeat a word of this to 99...

Do nothing, say nothing.
You go right to sleep.

The first thing tomorrow
morning, I want you here in my office.

- Have you got that?
- Right, chief.

Would you mind telling
me what it's all about?

I don't know what
it's all about, max.

All I know is that that woman
in the other bed is not 99.

Are you sure, chief?

I'm positive.

Well, whoever she is,
she's there all right,

Sound asleep in your bed.

Well, I'm certainly glad I put
clean sheets on this morning.


Want to hear every single detail.

I had just put the twins to bed.

I went downstairs and I
heard the doorbell ring.

i went to the door and asked...

- Who's there?
- melnick's furniture.

we're delivering your end table.

so I opened the door and
the man came in with a table.

Just put it over there.

i turned to close the door
and that's when I saw the woman.

i thought I was
looking in a mirror.

It was absolutely uncanny.

She had my face, my
figure, my clothes,

but not my g*n.

She told me that I was to
go with the delivery man

And that she was
going to take my place.

I said she'd have to sh**t me

Before she'd get me
to leave my children.

- Go on.
- She said it would only be for a few days.

And she promised she'd take
perfect care of the twins.

and I said, "what
about my husband?"

And then she promised she'd
take perfect care of my husband,

And that's when I hit her.

That's interesting.
Where'd you hit her?

- In my right eye.
- Huh?

In her right eye.

Then they blindfolded me,

And they put me in
the back of the truck.

They took me to their warehouse
and locked me in the basement.

It's fortunate for us,


They're really gonna be surprised
when they find out I'm gone.

- You mean they don't know you got away?
- No.


Back there right away.

Why?


Great deal of trouble

To find someone who
looks exactly like you,

And train her to take your place.
They must be up to something big.

You mean when they find out
I've escaped, they'll call it off?

Exactly. We've got to let them
think their plan is succeeding

So we can find out what it is.


And remain their prisoner for a while.

But chief, what about the twins?

I'll have max arrange with your
mother to take them for a few days.

But first I've got
to convince max

That that woman in the
apartment with him is not you.

I know, chief. Let me
call max, I'll talk to him.

That's too risky. She might be
listening in on the extension.

I know how to prove it to him.

You've got to get back
to melnick's warehouse.

What're you gonna do, chief?

I'm gonna telephone max, tell him
to wake that woman and kiss her.

What?



The second max kisses
her, he'll know it's not you.

Chief, that's a terrible idea!

- Why?
- What if she's better?

- Morning, sweetheart.
- Oh hello, love.

You look terrific this morning.

Your eye cleared up. All
the black and blue is gone.

I put some makeup on it.

You sit down, and I'll
go get your breakfast.

Just some toast and coffee, 99.

I have to be at headquarters
early this morning.

There we go.

Who's eating with us?

No, darling, that's for you.



I never eat a big
breakfast. You know that.

I know that, love,

But I just read an article
that said breakfast is

The most important
meal of the day.

Everyone should
eat a big breakfast.



You yourself said I
was getting heavy.

i don't care what
I told you, max.

I want you to be healthy.

That's ridiculous, 99. I
couldn't eat all of that.

Oh, max, I spent so much
time trying to please you.

The least you can do is eat it.

I'm sorry, 99. I don't
care how nice you ask me,

I'm not gonna eat
all of that food.

Max... Please?

No, I'm sorry, 99. It's
out of the question.

- 99?
- Hmm?

Pass the salt.

Max, you've got to believe
me. That woman is an imposter.

Chief, how do we know that
the 99 who was here last night

Isn't the imposter, and the 99
in my apartment is the real 99,

And that this 99 lied when
she said 99 was an imposter?

- Would you say that again?
- Huh?

- Would you say that again?
- Say what again?

About the 99 who was here
last night being the imposter,

And the 99 in the
apartment being the real 99,

And this 99 lying when she said

That 99 in the apartment
was the imposter.

Would you say that again, chief?

No, max, I want you to
say it. It's your theory.

I want you to say it again so I
can see if it makes any sense.

Well, all right, chief. This
is what I was getting at:

You claim that the 99 that was
here last night is the real 99,

And the 99 in my
apartment is the fake 99.

But how do we really
know if this is the real 99

When she could be the fake 99,

And the 99 in my apartment,

Who this 99 claims is the
fake 99, could be the real 99.

And this 99 is only saying
the real 99 is the fake 99

So we'd arrest the real 99, then
the fake 99 would take her place,

And we'd think that
the fake 99 was in jail,

When it was the
other way around.

The real 99 would be in jail, and
the fake 99 would be in my apartment.

That's very logical, max.
But it's much too obvious.

How could I make you believe
that the woman being held prisoner

Is the real 99?

Chief, how can
you be so positive?

Because she knew things that
only the real 99 would know.

She knew where control
headquarters was located.

She knew where the
secret entrance was.

She knew what the password was.

- She even knew about the beauty mark.
- What beauty mark?

The beauty mark on your body.

- She didn't tell you where it was?
- Yes, she did, max.

That's not fair, chief. She
promised she'd never tell.

Max, she had to. She was
proving that she was the real 99.

Now who else but your wife
would know about that beauty mark?

- Lindquist.
- Who's lindquist?

Dr. Lindquist. He delivered me.

- He would have to know.
- Of course he would have to know.

He slapped me on it when he
brought me into the world.

Max, how can I convince you
that that woman is an imposter?

I've been giving it
a lot of thought,

And I think you may
have something there,

Because this 99 is doing a lot of
things the real 99 would never do.

- Like what?
- For example, this morning

She gave me a big breakfast.


Eat a big breakfast.

Then she sat on
my lap and fed me.

Now 99 would never do that.

When I leave in the
morning for work,


On the cheek and says goodbye.

What did she do?

She put her arms around me, kissed
me full on the lips, and wouldn't stop.

I almost didn't make
it to work this morning.

She wouldn't let go?

Well, to tell you the truth, chief,

I didn't feel like coming
to work after that.

Max, the most important thing is
to not to arouse her suspicions.

You have got to make her think
that you really believe that she's 99.

And when we find out what
their plans are, we'll move right in.

Now remember, this could
take as much as a week.

Chief, if I have to spend
a week with this woman

To help control solve
this case, I'm willing to do it.

I'm proud of you, max.

If I have to spend two weeks with
this woman, I'm willing to do that too.

Remember, you're a married man.

You're telling me?
I've got two wives.

Chief, where do you
think they have her hidden?

I'll show you.

They have her hidden
behind the wall?

I'm gonna show you on the map.

Does the name melnick
mean anything to you?

Melnick, melnick...
What's his first name?

- Melnick.
- Melnick melnick.

Nope, if I had heard a name like
that before, I would've remembered it.

No, max, his first name is
melnick, his second name is archer.

He designs and
manufactures bedroom sets.

He has a large
warehouse here in town.

Oh yes, of course.
I remember now.

Melnick archer.

Wasn't he the one that
was suspected once

Of selling bedroom sets
to iron-curtain countries?

- That's him, max.
- Of course, I remember now.

"Put a red in your bed" melnick.

That's what he was called.

Now they've got 99 hidden in his
warehouse right here on harbor boulevard.

Gee, I hope she's
all right, chief.

She's in no immediate danger.

They've made her
very comfortable.

When she was here last night, I issued
her control's new fingernail phones.

She'll be able to report to us
from time to time when she can.

Chief, 99 called from a furniture
warehouse a few minutes ago,

But I told her you were busy.

You what? Didn't she
tell you it was important?

No, she said it was urgent, but she
didn't say anything about being important.

Think something's wrong, chief?

No, the fact that she called is a
good sign. It's probably about the twins.

I promised her that you'd have
her mother take them for a few days.

I'd better call her
and find out if she will.

Listen, max, the twins can stay
at our place for a few days.

My wife would love
taking care of them,

And they'd have a lot of
fun playing in the sand.

You have a place at
the beach, larabee?

No, but we have a
very sandy apartment.

- Thanks just the same, larabee.
- Anytime, max.

- Hold it, larabee.
- Yeah, chief?

You're not going to get
away with that one that easily.

- Which one?
- Explain it to me,

How you have a very
sandy apartment.

There's nothing
to explain, chief,

We can't get the sand out because
our vacuum cleaner is broken.

Larabee, if you don't
live at the beach,

How can you have all that
sand in your apartment?

We've been talking about moving to the
beach and wanted to see if we'd like it.

Thank you, larabee.

Chief, I don't know whether
this is important to you or not,

But we don't like
it... Too much sand.

Line's busy, chief.

I'd better call back later.

Strange man, that larabee.

I was just thinking that, chief.

When he said that business about
the vacuum cleaner not working

And not being able
to sweep up the sand,

Well, why in the world didn't he
use a broom to sweep up the sand?

Max, are you sure you
and larabee aren't related?

You know, a lot of people
have asked me that lately, chief.

Control headquarters,
this is the chief.

Chief, I got back just fine.

They didn't even
know I was gone.

That's good, 99. Are you all
right? Are you comfortable?

Am I comfortable?

I wish I had a cell
like this at home.

Let me speak to her, chief.

Hold on, 99. Max
wants to talk to you.

Hi, 99.

Hello, max, my
love. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine. I had a big breakfast
this morning. I feel great.

Max, you never
eat a big breakfast.

Yes, I know, but
this woman insisted.

You know what she did
while I was eating breakfast?

she cleaned and vacuumed
and dusted the entire apartment.

You won't recognize
it when you get home.

Gee, max, you sound like
you don't miss me at all.

I miss you terribly, darling.

This woman may be a great cook
and neat and over-affectionate,

But it's not the same as you.

Max, have you called my mother
about taking the children?

Yes, I did call her, 99,
but the line was busy.

I'll have to call back later.

Max, someone's coming.
I've gotta go now.

I wish you were gonna
be home tonight, 99.

Oh, so do i, darling.

We're having beef stroganoff.

Goodbye, max.

I thought I overheard you
talking to someone, mrs. Smart.

You did, mr. Archer... I
was talking to myself.

I do that when I'm lonely.

Get used to being
alone, mrs. Smart.

You're going to be spending
the rest of your life in a cell.

But I was told I'd only
be kept here a few days.

Yes, that's true.

And then you will be placed
behind bars in a federal penitentiary.

For what?

For the m*rder of your
husband, maxwell smart.

So that's your plan.

Yes, maxwell smart
will be found dead by you

When you return to your
apartment tomorrow morning.

Melnick?

Telephone call for
you in your office.

Mrs. Maxwell smart is calling.

If you'll excuse me, my dear.

I thought I overheard her
talking when I came in here.

She may have a concealed
communication device with her.

- You think so?
- Shh.

Melnick: it's possible. Now you
remain here and watch her.

we wouldn't want
anything to go wrong now.

Right.

Things are going even
better than we expected.



She's coming over
in about an hour

To take the twins
for a few days.

Excellent, sonia.

Yes, it leaves me free
to attend to mrs. Smart.

At what rate are you
feeding him the poison?

I am giving it to him in thirds.

I gave him one
third for breakfast,

He should be home
shortly for lunch.

I'll give him some more then,

And I'll give him the
rest for dinner tonight.

By tomorrow morning,
maxwell smart will be dead,

And the autopsy will
reveal that he was poisoned.

By his lovely wife.

A beautiful plan.

When will the first symptoms
of the poison start to show?

It should start
shortly after lunch.

He'll begin to get very sleepy,

And then he'll lose his
equilibrium and fall down a lot.

Won't that attract suspicion?

Not with maxwell smart.

- Hi, chief.
- Hello, max.

Has 99 called yet?

Not since this morning. They
must be watching her very closely.

- Boy, am I tired.
- Where have you been?

I went home for lunch.

Max, you never
eat lunch at home.

I know that, chief, but


She insisted that I
come home for lunch.

So I didn't want to arouse
her suspicions, and I went.

I wonder why she insisted
that you come home for lunch.

I don't know, chief. What
difference does it make?

- It can't do any harm.
- I guess you're right.

Max, are you all right?

I'm fine, chief. I just lost
my balance for a minute.

Max, it's driving me crazy.

What could kaos's plan be?

Why would they kidnap 99 and
then replace her with someone

That looks and sounds
exactly like her?

I don't know, chief. I've been giving it
a lot of thought, and the way I feel...

Max, are you sure
you're all right?

You've fallen down twice
in less than a minute...

Even for you that's a lot.

I'm okay, chief. I just
got a little dizzy.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

What keeps bothering
me is what their plan is.

When are they gonna
make their move?

Max!

Max.

Max, I think you're coming
down with something.

Yes, if I am, chief, I'm
coming down with it a lot.

I think you'd better
go home and get to bed.

I think you need some rest.

Oh. Larabee?

Max isn't feeling very well.
I want you to take him home.

Okay, max, you ready to go?

What're you doing?

I'm not doing anything.

I'm-i'm biting my thumbnail.

Well, marcus.

And how is our
prisoner this evening?

Nervous and impatient.

Look, she hardly
touched her dinner.

Well, that's more than
I can say for mr. Smart.

He's been eating splendidly.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that at
this very moment

He's having his dinner,
and with it enough poison

to finish him.

So that's how you
plan to k*ll max.

Exactly.

And now if you'll excuse me, my
dear, I have work to attend to.

The big sale starts tomorrow.

Marcus.

Release her first
thing in the morning

Before we open the
warehouse to the public.

And get rid of the cell.

Place the furniture in
the showroom on sale.

And make the price irresistible,

So that when she comes
back with the police,

She won't be able to
corroborate her story.

Right.

Ow! Ooh!

What's wrong?

I have a cramp in my leg.

Oh, come come.
You don't expect me

To fall for an old
trick like that, do you?

Surely you don't think
I'd be stupid enough

To pull an old trick like that.

This always happens
when I'm nervous and tense.

Ow!

Try to relax.
Maybe it'll go away.

Oh, I wish my husband were here.

he always massages my leg
and makes the cramp go away.

Well, if it'll help, I'll
massage it for you.

Oh, would you, please?
And please hurry.

- Where does it hurt?
- Right down here.

Hello, chief.

I found out their plan.
They're poisoning max.

There's not a minute to lose.

I'm on my way to
the apartment now.

Good work, 99.

I'll have larabee take
melnick archer into custody

And meet you at
the apartment later.

Larabee, you're to go to
melnick's furniture warehouse...

- Now?
- Of course, now.

But the sale doesn't start
until tomorrow morning.

I don't have time to argue.

Just go to the warehouse
and arrest melnick archer.

- Right, chief.
- You're also to arrest a man named marcus.

Marcus? How will I know him?

You'll know him. He'll be the
man who starts sh**ting at you

When you arrest melnick archer.

Oh, is he a good sh*t?

I hope so.

Come on, max,
just one more bite.

No no, 99, please.

I'm so full I couldn't eat
another thing. And I'm so sleepy.

Max, at least eat
some of the cream pie.

If you eat the cream pie, you can
lie down on the sofa and go to sleep.

Sleep?

Okay, 99, I'll eat
the cream pie.

Come on, darling. One
big bite should do it.

Max, don't!

Oh hi, 99. You don't
happen to have

some bicarbonate of
soda on you, do you?

What are you doing here?

I escaped. Now get
away from my husband.

Very well.

Max!

Oh.

Get up. Put your hands up.

- Hold it right there.
- Chief!

Drop the g*n and
put your hands up.

Not you, larabee.

You heard what I
said. Drop the g*n.

Stay away from that g*n!

Chief, I'm 99. She's
the imposter.

Don't you believe
her, chief. I'm 99.

That's not true,
chief. I am! Ask max.

All right, max. Which one is it?

Your wife. Which
one is your wife?

Oh.

You're pointing at larabee.

Chief, the eyes.

They're both the same color.

No chief, the imposter
has a black eye.

She covered it with makeup.

That's right, chief.
Don't you remember?

I told you that I socked
her in her right eye.

That's right.

Wipe the makeup
off your right eye.

Sure, chief.

Good work, 99!

Oh max, we've gotta
get you to the hospital

And get your stomach pumped.

Larabee, give 99 a hand.

Be with you in a minute.

Man, this is good.